Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

Frankfurter, Frankenstein, & Frankel-twit

3/26/2015

Offenders for the week of March 23, 2015:
And I warn you... I'm in a poetic mood this week.

"I'm so jonesin' for a Johnsonville Brat & a salty milkshake..."

#3 MONICA LEWINSKY
OFFENSE: Perpetual victim
Look, girl. I've felt for you. I really have. You made a mistake that some young women have made throughout the annals of history-- falling for a powerful, charismatic, older man. It happens. Unfortunately, the man you fell for was the President of the United States. So you suffered the humiliation, the endless scrutiny and punchlines more than Billy Boy ever did-- even though he abused his power and remained virtually unscathed.

But...

Stop talking about it! You can't put the past behind you if you keep bringing it up. Please, zip it-- like you should've zipped-up Willie's pants!

So I reach out to you, Monica Lewinsky, with this"

"You put your mouth on Willie's bone.
Now get your mouth off the microphone.
Go away, and never be found.
And stay clear of those poon hounds."

"I AM TALKING!!! WHY AREN'T YOU SIMPLETONS LISTENING!?!?!?!"

#2 GWYNETH PALTROW
OFFENSE: Misinformer
Granted, she didn't come up with what I'm about to share, but... she is passing it on. So that makes her culpable. (Yes, I used a 'big girl' word there.) Are you ready? Guess what, ladies?

YOU CAN HAVE A PAIN-FREE PREGNANCY! YES-- PAIN FREE!

Say what?

Her resident Goop pain expert (I forget her name) says pregnancy can be a walk in the park! When your chest hurts, or your butt hurts, or your arm hurts-- just rub some almond oil on your belly and chest in a figure-eight pattern. Voila! No more pain!

Okay...

And don't bother eating. Avoid cow's milk, dairy, rich fatty meats, pork, roasted peanuts and peanut butter, concentrated fruit juices, wheat, sugar and sweeteners. Eat veggies and salad, and eat small portions.

Really?

And this gem: during your last trimester, relieve pain by dropping down on all fours. That way, the baby is not pressing on your pelvis, but is hanging forward in your belly. Isn't that how you got into this predicament in the first place? (wink, wink)

Please, Gwyneth. Stop with the advice. The world would be a better place.

Here's my rhyme for you:

"Hey, Queen of GOOP--
The advice you give is full of poop.
An expert you are not.
But you are a silly, bitchy, snot."

"Don't tell anyone I need the money..."

#1 REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK STAR BETHENY FRANKEL
OFFENSE: Flip-flopper
I should add "tap dancer" to your list of occupations since you're doing so well at it (insert sarcasm.) Beth left the Real Housewives years ago because she was supposedly embarrassed by the franchise-- the same franchise that netted her two spinoff shows and netted her loads of moola with her Skinny Girl brand. Guess she got over it or lost her own pride because she's baaaaaack!

Actually, you should be embarrassed for selling your soul to devil Andy Cohen for fame and fortune. And let's be frank-el here. Your divorce was as nasty as they get, and you have your ex-manchild and your child to support. Get them cat claws out, girlie, and make money! By the way, your rationale for your return is just as fake as most of your body parts.

I hope you feel my flow, Betheny:

"Betheny Frankel, you're a twit.
Your jacked-up face, I'd like to hit.
Upon your throne you love to sit.
Breathing air, I wish you'd quit."

PHOTO CREDIT:
Monica Lewinsky: https://www.flickr.com/photos/minglemediatv/
Gwyneth Paltrow: https://www.flickr.com/photos/annie_is_okay/
Betheny Frankel: https://www.flickr.com/photos/nicknamemiket/

Check Out These Triple Ds! (Ditzy, Dirty, Douchey)

3/19/2015

Offenders for the week of March 16, 2015:

"Oh, I wish I licked an Oscar Mayer Wiener... Oh, I did. A lot."

#3 KATY PERRY
OFFENSE: Thinking with her box...
Her on-and-off-then-on-again relationship with John Mayer is............ OFF. For now. Seems Katy can't quit the Mayer. Back together for only two months, their relationship fell apart supposedly over jealousy. John is jealous that Katy has an actual career, and his is like a turd circling the bowl. Plus, Katy can't trust John while she's away (understatement of the century). He takes it to the hole more often than LeBron James on game night.

Katy, listen up: You are immensely successful. You're at the height of your career. Your breasts are at their ultimate height. Go get a real man! Not some whiny, thumb-sucking narcissist. And-- there can't be anything special about his over-processed meat. Get a pile of chocolate, a lifetime supply of batteries and an Adam & Eve catalog and you'll be just fine.

Do you really need the possibility of some kind of fungus growing on your cookie jar. No. You don't. Come on, Katy. Snap out of it!

"The sooner I get this race done, the sooner I can get my nipples tweaked..."

#2 MICHAEL PHELPS
OFFENSE: None really...
I figured he'd enjoy the slap. See, Dominatrix Kim Petro passed a lie detector test during her interview with The National Enquirer where she dished about our beloved Olympic hero. She starts her tale, recalling how Michael called her and told her to drink some water before she got to the hotel. Kim said:

"I knew what I was in for. I was going to the bathroom anyway-- I figured I might as well get paid for it!"

Indeed! Other romp-time highlights:

1. Phelps secured his tryst room under the name "Fabian Marasciullo"-- the name of a Miami music figure associated with his pal Lil' Wayne.

2. Phelps wasn't wearing underwear... men's underwear, that is. But he was wearing skimpy women's panties.

3. When Phelps removed his panties, he had a string tied around his private parts. Not a ribbon. A string.

So. Many. Thoughts. I realize his true aspiration now: to receive the Olympic Gold(en Shower) Medal.

Whatevs. Let your kink flag fly! The one thing I can't get out of my mind is that classic Life cereal commercial: "Ask Mikey. He'll eat anything." Surely he will...

"See. I'm not so evil. I love animals."

#1 HEATHER MILLS
OFFENSE: An affront to humanity
Paul McCartney's ex-whorebitch still can't get over the fact that he kicked her psycho, opportunistic, gold-diggin' ass to the curb. When asked during an interview about Paul, she didn't miss the chance to take a jab at him.

"When I go down the street, I get kids coming up to me-- half of them don't even know who he is. That's why he's got to do songs with Rihanna and Kanye West, so people remember."

Do you mean when you go down the street looking for johns? And, seriously, who the f*ck are you-- other than the ex-wife of Paul McCartney!?!?

She then got high off of her own farts, tooting about her past as a race skier and how she owns the largest vegan company in the universe.

Please.

I support and champion those with disabilities, but... if your prosthetic leg were to happen to fall off accidentally, I would hope someone would pick it up for you. Then beat you with it. Seriously, just drop down on your one good knee and do what you do best-- blow... your own horn.

PHOTO CREDITS:
Katy Perry: https://www.flickr.com/photos/evarinaldiphotography/
Michael Phelps: https://www.flickr.com/photos/marcopako/
Heather Mills: https://www.flickr.com/photos/jeckman/

Hey, Jealousy...

3/12/2015

Offenders for the week of March 9, 2015:

"I HATE crassness... Hey, look at my undies!"

#3 CHLOE SEVIGNY
OFFENSE: Jealous witch
This just in: Chloe is "over" Jennifer Lawrence, calling her "crass" and "annoying". Oooooh, burn... awesome playground taunt. (Not really.) In a recent interview, the actress was asked if she worried about being typecast. She said she's "afraid that maybe people think there's more personality than acting ability."

That's where she took her shot at JLaw, who's known for being goofy and uninhibited on the red carpet. Chloe also commented on herself in the interview, saying she's not a great movie star, and that she "doesn't have the charisma" of one... that she's not that girl that "everybody adores and loves and wants to f*ck."

Wha? Cuz that's not crass at all...

Quit being the First Lady of Sullen. By the way, you are an Oscar-nominated actress, I think you're doing just fine... Oh, that's right. Jennifer Lawrence is an Oscar winner. And you're an Oscar wiener.

Sour grapes much?

P.S. Pull down your bloomers and stop sounding like a bitter-biddy!

P.P.S. JLaw says your name sounds like a disease...

"Hear dat? My boyz can swim!"

#2 CHRIS BROWN
OFFENSE: Downward dirty dog
Things had been almost-smooth-sailing for Chris and his on-again/off-again GF Karrueche Tran... until now. And a "bouncing" little incident. I'm not talking about his bouncing fruit bowl (but that does come into play), I'm talking about his 9-month-old bundle of joy! That he didn't have with Karrueche.

Oops.

Yup. Chris knocked-up some chick. Coincidentally, Chris has been begging Karrueche to have a baby with him.

To add insult to injury, Chris is angry that his girlfriend won't answer his calls. Really? Why should she?

There's really no way to explain your way out of cheating on your girlfriend!!!! What would be your explanation? Your undies fell off and your "heat seeking missile" found a warm, open target?

You're a disgrace to your gender... and basically, to all of humanity. I'd like to put your junk in a vice grip... then rip!

"I am NOT angry!"

#1 BRITISH JOURNALIST KATIE HOPKINS
OFFENSE: Nasty beyotch
This so-called journalist decided to take shots at Kelly Clarkson's weight. She tweeted:

"What happened to Kelly Clarkson? Did she eat all of her backing singers?"

Then she wrote: "Look, chubsters. Kelly Clarkson had a baby a year ago. That is no longer baby weight. That is carrot cake weight."

When called-out for her fat-shaming, she said there is no such thing. Instead, she said there is only skinny-blaming: "It doesn't hurt me if I hurt someone's feelings. If you're in the media, you have to accept what comes your way."

Okay. So here it goes, crotch-waffle. When did you become a nutritionist or a health expert? Oh. You're. Not. You're an old, prune-faced talking head. A hooker's jay jay looks better than your jacked face.

And-- of course we can't hurt your feelings. BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO HEART OR SOUL. You're not even good enough to be a piece of poo on a car in lower Akron.

You are the problem with our world. We all need to get over this body-shaming trend. Perhaps if you got friendly with some Oscar Mayer, you might not be so cranky. Then again, you're just projecting your own self-hatred onto someone you're deep-down-inside jealous of.

By the way, Kelly is a class act. Her response to all of this?:

"I'm awesome! It doesn't bother me. It's a free world. Say what you will. I've just never cared what people think. It's more if I'm happy and I'm confident and feeling good, that's always been my thing. And more so now, since having a family — I don't seek out any other acceptance."

Take that, you weathered wenchbag!

PHOTO CREDITS:
Chloe Sevigny https://www.flickr.com/photos/orangeintense/
Chris Brown https://www.flickr.com/photos/evarinaldiphotography/
Angry cat https://www.flickr.com/photos/spakattacks/

Weak Wannabees...

3/5/2015

Offenders for the week of March 2, 2015:

"Mic check, mic check, one, two, one, two!"

#3 JON GOSSELIN
OFFENSE: Pathetic
Like a cold sore, he's baaaaaack! And he thinks he's a club DJ! Check that, he's a bowling alley DJ. Woot! He brought his mad skills to Laurel Lanes' Brewsters Pub in Maple Shade, NJ. No one was on the dance floor, but his supposed fans packed the bar area. Sure.

This new career move is on the heels of several setbacks last year-- like being evicted.

Please. He's just trying to gain sympathy. WAAAAAAA, poor Jon! Granted, your ex-wife ain't no walk in the park, but... I'm going to call it like I see it. You're a fat, lazy buddha who's lost previous jobs because you're a flaming toolbag. Not feeling sorry for you. Since you're Asian, I know it's hard to find your sack-- but it's dangling there (somewhere). Since you say you want to be a good dad, quit getting fired from your various jobs! And by the way, you were an engineer. An engineer! There aren't any engineering jobs out there? Or is the only thing you want to engineer is parking your micro weenie inside some 20-year-old tramp?

You're 40-years-old. It's time to stop playin' with your Fisher Price record player and get a real J.O.B.! And by the way, it actually takes talent to be an awesome and successful club DJ. You're successful at being a waste of space.

P.S. I wonder what name you went by? DJ Pot Sticker? MC PuPu Platter? Actually, your name should be DJ Dipsh*t.

"Hip we be. Pip, pip!"

#2 OXFORD UNIVERSITY
OFFENSE: Weak
As if this fool doesn't have enough platforms to spew nonsense, this prestigious institution of higher learning invited Kanye West to give a lecture.

What. The. F*ck!?!?!!?

Kanye gave this sage advice: "One of my biggest Achilles' heels has been my ego. And if I, Kanye West, the very person, can remove my ego, I think there's hope for everyone. People say I have a bad reputation. I think I've got the best reputation in the building."

Apparently, there isn't hope because you haven't removed your ego! It's actually grown exponentially with your lunacy! My only hope for you is that you choke on a bag of steamy "richards".

But this slap is really intended for Oxford.

You don't need to be hip. Because sometimes "hip" isn't smart or worthy. You're Oxford friggin' University. Act like it! Weren't there any humanitarians or successful entrepreneurs available with an inspirational message? Or perhaps an "average Joe" who became something amazing? Nope. Let's have this mouth-breathing fool speak to our youth.

No wonder we kicked your ass in the Revolutionary War.

"I'm rolling over in my grave."

#1 CONRAD HILTON
OFFENSE: Pansy puss in boots
Exemplifying all that is wrong with society today, this rich bitch pleaded guilty to assault. What did our golden boy do? He had an airplane meltdown last July in which he threatened to "f*cking own the peasants on this flight". HA HA HA HA! That's the best you got? He was such a complete d-bag that he had to be handcuffed to his seat.

He then proceeded to yell at the passengers and flight attendants, shouting: "I'm going to f*cking kill you!" "I will f*cking rip through you!"

And then, the ultimate sissy-boy threat:

"I could get you all fired in five minutes. I know your boss! My father will pay this out!"

Bravo! Way to show that you've got nothing between your legs. And, just for the record, we "peasants" are productive members of society. Unlike yourself. All that you managed to do was be born. And that's only because your momma worked hard and pushed you out.

Conrad faces six months in prison and a measly fine of $5,000. We can only pray that you become the buns for Bubba's meat. Wouldn't that be scary for such a manly man such as yourself?

As we peasants would say: "Suck it, Richie Rich!"

PHOTO CREDIT:
Jon Gosselin https://www.flickr.com/photos/rittysdigiez/
Oxford University https://www.flickr.com/photos/28143834@N00/
Hilton https://www.flickr.com/photos/shoelessjoe/

Frankfurter, Frankenstein, & Frankel-twit

Check Out These Triple Ds! (Ditzy, Dirty, Douchey)

Hey, Jealousy...

Weak Wannabees...

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