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Tattoo Boo!

3/23/2018

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Offenders for the week ending March 23, 2018:
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"I'm a ho pirate."
#3 KYLIE JENNER
Why we make these tw*t biscuits celebrities, I'll never understand. But they're great fodder for us. Kylie's taking the heat for giving her newest Kylie Cosmetic blushes salacious names-- because she has a lot of teenage fans. Some of those names include: X Rated, Virginity, and Barely Legal. Social media lit up like the Fourth of July with fury:

"Kylie Jenner decided to name her cheap blushes with even cheaper names. Seems they're named after her life, underage-dating a 20-something dad. Bravo @krisjenner."

Well, when you don't live in reality while the rest of us do-- you don't think of consequences. Frankly, there's no thinking at all. 

Here are some blush color names you might want to consider for your next autobiographical blush batch:

Angry Beaver 
DNA Dumpster
Schlong Serenade


Or my favorite: STFU Forever F&ck Face.

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"Don't mind while I violate you..."
#2 KATY PERRY
Katy's taking the heat for smooching 19-year-old Benjamin Glaze against his will during his recent American Idol audition. He confessed to the panel of judges that he had never kissed a gal because: 

                     "I wanted to save it for my first relationship, I wanted it to be special."

Awwww! But now he's been violated. See, Katy sprung up and offered her cheek (so glad it wasn't her ass cheek) for him to peck. Dissatisfied that Benjamin didn't make the "smush" sound when he kissed her cheek, he tried again. That's when she pulled the ol' switcherooski and he ended up kissing her on the lips.

Gag!

​That mouth has been on dirty-butt Russell Brand, known manwhore John Mayer, and many, many more questionable meat platters!

Even though he didn't make it to Hollywood, the kid has class. He says he doesn't feel sexually harassed, and says the kiss doesn't count because it was just physical contact with no emotion behind it. Which is probably how Katy's justified all her dong diving. 

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"I really am a toolbag!"
#1 BEN AFFLECK
​Dude. How many midlife "crises" can you have!?!?! And if you're gonna have two jillion crises, own 'em all! Back in 2016, Benster was spotted with a massive back tattoo-- like, a full-back tattoo. He claimed it was for a movie role. 

Well guess, what. NOT! He was recently spotted, sans shirt, with the full-color phoenix rising artwork on his back. And it wasn't pretty for many reasons. Justifiably, the internets went all bat-shit over B-Aff's gaffe. Twitter user Crystal Methanny had this gem:

"Next time you're feeling sad, remember that you're not Ben Affleck so you (probably) don't have a tattoo so big and so ugly and so universally ridiculed that you had to lie and say it was only temporary and just for a movie when it is so clearly not."

Ben's maybe-ex-wife Jennifer Garner is a little disturbed by the supposed meaning behind the tacky tat:

"A phoenix rising from the ashes. Am I the ashes in this scenario? I take umbrage. I refuse to be the ashes."

She should get a phoenix rising tat, too. Except she's definitely rising from the ashes of that asshat.

P.S. Looks like a color wheel threw up on you.

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com
​

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Back For More...

3/9/2018

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Offender for the week ending March 9, 2018:
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because we're not a toolbags...
#3, #2, #1 ARIE LUYENDYK JR.
For the second time in slap history, I'm devoting this entire rant to one repulsive individual. Congrats, Arie Luyendyk Jr. Your multiple soul-sucking appearances on The Bachelor/The Bachelorette have earned you a whole lotta slap. As stated previously, I don't watch this show. But I can't escape you-- and your sack-less ways. ABC touted the season finale as "shocking" and "like no other." Well, it was indeed some stanky bullsh*t. 

The final two ladies vying for Arie's hand in marriage were Becca and Lauren. Arie proposed to Becca. They went house shopping together and were planning on committing for the long haul, but after five weeks... 

"I told Becca I would choose her every day and I know I made that commitment, and it kills me that I'm going back on that, but I have to follow my heart... Just thinking about the possibility of something with Lauren is making me want to risk it all, because I really feel like I made a mistake."

Yup. He dumped Becca to propose to Lauren. What a warted ween. Both Arie and ABC took a lot of heat on social media for airing the whole mess unedited-- calling it "cruel" and "unnecessary". 

Lauren deserves Arie and Becca is the new Bachelorette, so all is well. There were rumors that Lauren received Arie's demon seed, but that wasn't confirmed during the big finale. Fingers crossed, that it's just a rumor. We have enough idiots breathing our good air.

Arie, you give your fellow Dutch peeps and the entire male gender a bad name. Please go away. Like, vacate the Universe. Thanks.


​PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

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The BachelorWhore

3/2/2018

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​Offenders for the week ending March 2, 2018:
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What job do you have?
#3 HEATHER LOCKLEAR
WTH has happened to you!?!? This former bombshell must've been bombed when police were called to her home on a domestic violence issue:

"(she) was uncooperative and agitated. She was not only verbally uncooperative, but physically abusive to officers... she attacked three of our deputies and was arrested. There was also evidence that she had battered her boyfriend."

She's been in rehab several times over the years-- most recently last January for substance abuse issues. 

Do we blame Tommy Lee for this? Did too much of the rock-n-roll-bad-boy lifestyle taint you over the years?

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"I'm in da money! I'm in da money!"
#2 KEVIN FEDERLINE
If he wasn't a depositor in The Bank of Brit Brit, we'd never know who this toolbag is. He had his lawyers put his ex-wife, Britney Spears, on notice because he wants mo' money for child support. I guess her recent lucrative run in Vegas didn't get past him! KFed claims their two sons need to maintain an equal lifestyle with both parents at all times. Plus, his life was inconvenienced because he had to adjust his schedule so the boys could spend time with their mom.

Inconvenienced? This ass scab hasn't worked a day since he met Brit in 2004! Oh, he probably needs some extra cash because he does have another kid with another woman. Yeah, remember how he dumped his pregnant girlfriend when he met Britney? 


Yup. Total P.O.S.

The only thing he's good at is walking around with his hand out. Or his d*ck out... 

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"... I'm a complete asshole."
#1 "THE BACHELOR" ARIE LUYENDYK JR
I watch enough bad reality TV, but The Bachelor has never been in my repertoire. But I know that Arie is a boring, unlikable hoe jammer. If you've never seen this show, the premise revolves around the bachelor's search for true love. Each season ends in a proposal, but only one has actually gotten married. Perhaps people are using this platform for instafame? Nooooo. Anywho, Arie is The Bachelor for a second time. And he continues to prove what a ginormous sack sore he really is. 

Caroline Lunny was favored as an early frontrunner to win Arie's affections but, alas, was sent home. She had presented the former race car driver with a mix tape of her favorite songs. Arie in turn, used her tunes while in the fantasy suite with another woman-- who happened to be her good friend. Wha!?!?

"It's fine, because he knew that we were really close, but I was kind of, like, 'That's a little off-sides buddy, playing my f*cking mixtape.'"

Uhhhh... maybe his fantasy is a threesome?

If this weren't bad enough, Arie just may be hated for pulling a switcheroo-ski after the final rose is given. And he says he's ready for backlash from the season finale. Rumor has it that he gets un-engaged, then gets together with his second-place true love because she's... wait for it... preggo!

Is this the Maury Povich show? Do us all a favor and get the snip-snip so you aren't adding to the fool count on this planet. 

​PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

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Not So "Dope"

2/23/2018

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​Offenders for the week ending February 23, 2018:
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Actually...
​#3 NBC
I'm convinced this network is the home of complete nut beaters-- like Megyn Kelly and Matt Lauer-- all awash in arrogance and ignorance. First off, network announcers REFUSE to pronounce Pyeonchang (that place that's hosting the Winter Games) properly-- even though they know how. Pyeongchang is pronounced with with an "ah" sound. We "ang" things over here. NBC Broadcasting and Sports chairman Mark Lazarus is all out of f&cks to give. The reason for ignoring what's correct and proper?

                                                                   "It's cleaner."

Oh. Then maybe we should call you "Dick" because it's "cleaner", and clearly that's what your name should be. But this isn't the network's only faux pas. Secondly, Dan Hicks and Bode Miller were announcing an Alpine race in which a low-ranked skier ended up winning the gold. But these two twits announced the favored athlete as winning and refused to admit their mistake. 

NBC, you win the gold in Dumbassery.

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"I'm so ripped and ready for this!"
#2 RUSSIAN OLYMPIC ATHLETE ALEXANDER KRUSHELNITSKY
Russia is already in a timeout for doping, and the country's athletes can't compete under the Russian flag. So you'd think a Russian athlete wouldn't want to get caught doping. Wrong! Alexander Krushednutsky must've thought "hey, we're already in trouble..."

A.K. failed his drug test-- twice. He had meldonium in his system. The heart medicine increases blood flow and boosts stamina. You need that for ski jumping. Or bobsledding. Or speed skating. Or for... curling. 

Curling...

Seriously!?!? There's so much pressure in curling that you need to take performance-enhancing drugs!?!?!? Have you seen some of these curlers? I imagine their "training" consists of slamming Big Macs, burritos, and Mountain Dew, then power napping on the couch!

Curling!!!!!

Guess he was stoned. Yes, slap me for the bad pun.

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"I'm the only one clapping for my sh*tbag performance..."
#1 FERGIE
Not the former Duchess of York, but The Duchess of BEP (Black Eyed Peas). In case you missed it (and your ears hope you did), Fergie put her special spin on our National Anthem. A spin that resulted in a crash and burn. In what can best be described as Marilyn Monroe's "Happy Birthday Mister President"-banging-a drunk jazz singer, there wasn't a dry eye in the house at the NBA All-Star game.

Because of the laughter. 


What in the actual hell was she thinking? Cuz you know she rehearsed. You know her people had to have heard her rendition, yet..... Please. Just sing the anthem with some class and less ass. 

Maybe she was trying to seduce a younger, suave, cash-stacked baller since she's divorced...

We should sue her for earhole assault.

Perhaps The Duchess should be renamed The Douchess.

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com
​

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Boston Tea-r Party

2/9/2018

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Offenders for the week ending February 2, 2018:
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"There's really nothing to see here..."
#3 JOE KENNEDY III
Joe Kennedy The Turd has continued in the family business-- shady politics. The Dems picked this perpetually-high looking lad to deliver the rebuttal to the State of the Union address. Perfect fit, actually, because he made an ass of himself. I didn't even hear a word of what he was saying, because I was fixated on his glazed-doughnut-face.

Was that drool? Too much lipstick on a dipstick? Or did he fellate Krispy Kreme?

I'm sure y'all can afford to get some intern to check your face before your appearance on national TV.

​Or did you drive her into the Potomac? 

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"Let's get crunk, y'all!"
#2 KEVIN HART
Oh, Kevin. You're wife has forgiven your multiple indiscretions. She allows you sleep in the garage and not have to pay her a big ol' divorce settlement. So why oh why can't you get your shizz together? 

Case in point: Super Bowl Sunday. He was so excited that the Eagles won, he had to rush the stage to get to the trophy. For realz. Oh, and he dropped an F-bomb while "chatting" with the dudes from the NFL Network.

Why give a drunk guy a mic? Duh.

At least he took his gaffes and turned it into a teachable(?) moment via social media:

"To all the kids out there, I just want to say don't drink. When alcohol is in your system, you do dumb stuff."

Here's some advice: Keep your love snake in your pants. And when your wife tells you it's a bad idea to run up on stage drunken and foolishly... listen.

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"I've got something in my eye..."
#1 TOM BRADY
WTF? Yes, we know you're a competitor. And yes, losing sucks. Having class never goes out of style. You should try it some time. After the Eagles won, Bratty couldn't bring himself to congratulate Nick Foles-- the Super Bowl winning quarterback and game MVP. Foles, though, exuded enough class for the both of them by saying it was crazy on the field and that's why Baby Tom didn't make his way over to congratulate him. 

At least Tom's wife, Giselle, did the right thing. She posted on social media:

              "Congratulations Eagles for winning the Super bowl, what a game that was!"


She also consoled her kids by reminding them that this was the first Super Bowl win for the Eagles. 

As Beyonce would say: "Who runs the world? Girls."

Change your name to Tomasina and maybe you'll have more balls.

​PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

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Float Like a Butterfly

2/2/2018

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Offenders for the week ending February 2, 2018: 
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"Guess what's in my coooochie?"
#3 CARDI B
There's nothing better than the sweet combo of live TV and diarrhea of the mouth. If you're unfamiliar, Cardi B is the new "it" girl to guest on whomever's song. (She currently lends her rhymes on Bruno Mars' "Finesse.") Maybe she was just so overcome with excitement when E! snagged her for some comments on the red carpet: 

"I'm feeling good, I'm feeling nervous, overwhelmed-- everything! Butterflies in my stomach... and vagina!"

Whoa!

Did she mean she was wearing a pair of those butterfly panties with the remote? Are larvae living up in that pink taco? 

Y'all better call Terminix, cuz penicillin won't be enough for an infestation. 

P.S. ​You've *almost* ruined butterflies for me...

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"Everybody look at me!"
#2 MADONNA
I love handbags. But I don't love them enough to pose topless with one, even if said handbag is mostly "covering the balcony". Madonna was so excited about her Louis Vuitton Montaigne Mona Lisa Bag that she had to pop in a silver "grill", take her shirt off and pose with it. 

Just. Stop. Your "shocking" shtick is about as tired as your over-dyed hair. Yawn. 

I'm not an ageist, and I know you're proud of your body but it's like: "Oh, tapioca pudding. Again." Please. The only buttons you're pushing at this point are Life Alert.

Can't you just shock us with a picture of yourself in a potato sack? Sigh. 

P.S. You've ruined raisins for me forever...

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#1 DANE COOK
I was just wondering the other day what ever happened to Dane Cook. Now I know. He's all up in a 19-year-old! 

Yup. It's just a 26-year age difference. It doesn't matter, because he is head over heels in L-O-V-E!

                                  "She's a gift. She's my best friend. She's one of a kind."

Awwwww!

Kelsi Taylor is The Dame to The Dane. I get it. You have a lot in common. You sit on the couch and watch VHS tapes of your favorite movies that you rented at Blockbuster on your Curtis Mathis console TV while she's chatting on the her rotary phone with her friends about Luke and Laura's wedding on General Hospital.... No?

At least she's helping him through his midlife re-evaluation. So who is Kelsi Taylor?

"She's a talented singer, but more importantly she's a genuine person. Check out her music to get to know her. She's gonna go far!"

DING DING DING! 

It's true love... of your still-breathing name recognition. 

Oh, Dane. Your next project should be called: "Dumb F*ck Chuck".

P.S. You're ruined schmaltz for me...

​PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com
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A Night of Jass...

1/26/2018

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Offenders for the week ending January 26, 2018:
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In reference to herself...
#3 KENYA MOORE
This Real Housewives of Atlanta cast member can throw shade and insults and whatnot, but she surely can't take it. So girlfriend is gonna cry about it and get downright nasty. On the latest episode, some kind of drama at some kind of event got stirred up, and Kenya got maaaaaad:

"(I don't) give a f*ck about any of those bitches!... Every time I do something positive, it turns into some bullsh$t!"

I call it karma, Oh Great Pot Stirrer. Go cry somewhere else. 

First, you get a fat paycheck to be dramatic. Second, if you didn't elect to participate in this show no one would remember who you are. (For those of you who don't remember her only claim to fame, she was Miss USA sometime in the early 90s.) 

Please, leave the show. Then you can concentrate on your fake marriage.

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I introduce to you the Smelly Cat. Her claws are always out and ready to strike...
#2 MEGYN KELLY
Your show sucks a warted ween, but at least you're good at getting yourself on the Slap List. Kudos to you for not knowing how to let things go. Case in point: Jane Fonda. If you recall, Jane was one of Smeg's early guests. She was there to promote her movie with Robert Redford. Well, Meglette had to inquire about Jane's multiple face lifts. Because that's relevant to.... After a few weeks of allegedly letting it go, it bubbleth over again. Megyn's latest poke?:

"I have no regrets about that question, nor am I in the market for a lesson from Jane Fonda on what is and what is not appropriate. This is a woman whose name is synonymous with outrage. Look at her treatment of military during the Vietnam War... She posed on an anti-aircraft gun used to shoot down our American pilots. She called our POWs hypocrites and liars and referred to their torture as 'understandable.' Even she had to apologize years later for that gun picture. But not for the rest of it. By the way she says she is not proud of America."

Look, I'm no Fonda fan. She repulses me, especially since I'm the daughter of a Vietnam Veteran. But really, aren't we all out of f*cks to give over this?

I say you work this out once and for all like grown women. Each of you grab your finest leotard for a cardio sweat session. The one who's last to have their fake face fall off wins... absolutely nothing.

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Bye bye sanity, self-respect, and hopefully... freedom."
#1 BILL COSBY & HIS FANS
Mr. Roofie is apparently still delusional, because he recently did a comedy show in Philly. The show must go on, right? Despite his upcoming retrial he felt the need to... what? Laughter is good medicine, but laughter is not going to make any of us forget that your are most likely 99.999999999% guilty of drugging and raping women. And to add insult to multiple injuries, this "special event" was held on the same weekend of the women's marches. I'm sure that was intentional. 

Perhaps he'd forgotten that he admitted to acquiring Quaaludes with the intention of crafting his signature drink?

Not only should this tampon biter get slapped, but any waste of human space that actually attended this sh*t show should, too. After trolling his Facebook page, The Con has nearly 500,000 fans. And they think he's such a wronged, great, great, talented man. Sure. This cellular failure has been quite charitable and successful. But was that born out of a desire to give, or a desire to deflect from his deviant ways? What color is the sky in your world, you bunch of fools?

Well, since Cosby is a joke I can see the need for a comedy night... But I vote for a Cosby roast instead. With real fire.

​PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com
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(Fat) Shame (er) on You!

1/18/2018

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Offenders for the week ending January 19, 2018:
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Well...
#3 DENNIS RODMAN
Some people never learn. You've been to alcohol rehab-- twice. You've struggled with addiction for a large part of your adult life. So why not booze-it-up and get in your car? Sigh. His manager thinks Rodman needs to re-enter some kind of treatment facility. Duh. Perhaps this is the truth: he's missing his snuggle buddy, Kim Jong Ick. He's longing for those nights of Netflix and chill; and braiding each other's (ass) hair... Or maybe he was meant to be ultra-alcohol friendly. With a nickname like "The Worm", perhaps he was destined to be the worm in a bottle of tequila... 

Get yo stuffs together!

P.S. He's checked himself into rehab, again. Hopefully the third time's a charm...


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"So I'm the assh*le?"
#2 BRITTANY CARTWRIGHT of reality TV show Vanderpump Rules
Second time on the list for the same offense. Apparently, the first "slap" did not wake you up! I know, I know. Your boyfriend, Jax Taylor (see the above pic), is a good guy deep inside, and you can change him. And... he was, like, really sorry. Really, really sorry.

After admitting to crotch wrestling with the couple's mutual friend and former co-worker, Faith, Jax was caught on a recording trashing his beloved girlfriend to said skank. In his post-coital confession, Jax said he cared about Brittany, but would never marry her... and that the two never had the happy-fun-time anymore. But he's been telling everyone how much he wants to marry B and have kids with her.

Egads! Why would you stay with this festering P.O.S.? 

Is that sound of crickets...

I'm starting to think you're not the sweet Kentucky gal you're portraying, but an opportunist that is willing to divorce your self-esteem and worth to be entwined with a sociopath who treats you worse than a steamy pile.

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"TELL ME I'M A FAT ASS!!!!"
#1 MEGYN KELLY
I lost all respect with this trashy trollop when she wore nothing more than a negligee to cover the RNC, then tried to claim she was harassed at Fox News. HA HA HA HA! This from a woman who (allegedly) snookered her mentor, Britt Hume. Well, she tried to change her image to a softer, kinder, likable lady. Again, HA HA HA HA! You can't polish a turd... Anywho, her latest faux pas?

Women want to be fat-shamed. 

It worked for her when she was in college, courtesy of her stepdaddy: 
Yes, there are times I call myself a "fat b*tch" while I'm working out. But I'm surely not going to ask someone else to call me a fat-ass when I'm reaching for sustenance. Is this how you parent your children, oh wise hoochie?

If that's the thang that works best for you, I guess we could all gather in a circle and yell insults at you so you can become a better person. That would make my day...

What should we call Megyn? Add your comments below if you'd like...

​PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com
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Shameful Shes...

1/12/2018

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Offenders for the week ending January 12, 2018:

We suggest to each slappee a self-help book (if it truly existed) that befits their offense. 
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"I'm really not about the money..."
#3 THE KARDASHIAN FAMILY
I think we all feel the K Klan is a bunch of self-absorbed slut sandwiches. If I had to chose a favorite (please, Sweet Baby Jesus don't hit me with lightning) it would be Khloe. She seems to be the coolest, most real person of the bunch. So let's not pick-on the only one I .000000000000009% like. Khloe isn't like the other gals. She's taller, and therefore, larger by nature. Nothing wrong with that. Unless you're a Kardashian. Her family lovingly said to her:

                       "Khloe, you got to lose weight cause you're really hurting the brand."

Ouch.

     "I understand that was coming from my management side of my family, but it does hurt."

Really, momager Kris? Perhaps your jacked face doesn't help the brand. Unless your brand includes something that induces vomiting. Then you're golden. 

I'd check yourselves, Kardashians. Even though O.J. denies siring Khloe, I wouldn't mess with his now-littler girl. He always has a bunch of Ginsus at his disposal.

Your self-help book: Think and Grow Bitch(es)

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Said while looking in the mirror?
#2 STASSI SCHROEDER
We know you're all reality TV-podcast-social media-famous, so you can get away with anything, right? Well, she's managed to shove another foot in her mouth. 

It's fun taking selfies and posting them with little descriptions. Except when you make a Nazi reference... and you try to make Nazi stuff cool. Like your outfit is "Nazi Chic."

BWAAA HAAAA not.

The social medias tore. Her. Up.

"The problem here is that you live in a spoiled bubble. Things don't offend you because you're extremely lucky awful things haven't happened to you. But for those of us who had family affected by the holocaust, one of the worst things to happen to people, your jokes aren't funny."

She's got the career lifespan of a motherf&cking roach. Ugh.

You're great at soul-less snark, but you suck at being a human. Good luck with that.

Your self-help book: How to Lose Friends and Infuriate People

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"Oh, golly gosh did I say something stupid... again?"
#1 GWYNETH PALTROW
Okay. I'm starting to think she's giving out advice, knowing that it's a stanky pile, just for the negative publicity-- because who gives a shizz about her otherwise? You recall her calling divorce "conscious uncoupling"? You recall her claiming bras cause cancer? And how we ladies should perhaps straddle that veggie steamer with a jade egg in place? Sigh...

We've heard of coffee enemas, but this... THIS is quite different.

                                                        A coffee spritz. In your butt. 

For just $135, you can snag "The Implant O'Rama"! This is what it looks like:
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Yup. A glass jar with some tubes and a squeezy thingy. For Uranus. Hey-- it's good for you!

                                    Promotes: "health, detoxification, and longevity."

Actually, our bodies are made to handle whatever comes down the pike (or is that pipe?), so no caffeine-power-wash is needed.

I hope Starbucks doesn't get into the Tush Espresso biz. Or Rump Roast Blends.

Your self-help book: The Vag Less Traveled (unless it's steamed...)

​PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com
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The Stars Have Fallen...

1/5/2018

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Offenders for the week ending January 5, 2018:
With the new year comes resolutions. Sometimes it's difficult to come up with something good to fail at eventually. That's where we lend a helping hand. We suggest a resolution for each offender this week.
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"(Singing) Get me some Tetley, Lipton, or mother-effin Bigelow..."
​#3 MARIAH CAREY
First of all, kudos for agreeing to come back again to Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve after last year's internet-blazing craptastic performance. She did redeem herself. Kinda. Until she couldn't resist gettin' all diva-tastic when she inquired where her tea was after finishing her first tune: 
Girl, please. Just concentrate on hitting the notes and not farting so your uber-tight costume doesn't burst open. Nobody needs injured from your flying fashion shrapnel. Maybe if your massive mams weren't exposed to the sub-zero temps of NYC, you wouldn't need any tea during your five minute show! And here's another thought-- plan ahead. Have one of your minions fetch a beverage that they can hold for you on stage, and let you sup from whenever you beckon.

I know. It sucks to be one of us...

Your New Year's Resolution: Get Tanaka tea (bagged).

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"Just call me Countess de Liqueur..."
​#2 LUANN DE LESSEPS
On Christmas Eve, The Real Housewives of New York star was busted on charges of battery on an officer, disorderly intoxication, resisting arrest with violence, and crimes against a person. She even threatened to kill police and swung at an officer. This from the woman who wrote the etiquette book "Class with the Countess: How to Live with Elegance and Flair" (Was that Rick Flair?)

The count-less was truly embarrassed, has apologized, and voluntarily checked herself into rehab. But, her first ex-husband-- Count Alexandre de Lesseps-- is out of f*cks to give. He wants her drop his name. 

"After she remarried she officially lost the title and now he's demanding that she stop pretending to have a title she doesn't."

Ouch. 

Maybe you need an addendum to your little book that gives us step-by-step tips on how to Zsa Zsa Gabor a police officer. 

Your New Year's Resolution: Change your name to Betty de Ford.

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"My douchebaggery is vast..."
#1 LOGAN PAUL
No wonder other countries hate on us. We take assh&les and make them famous. Like social media "star" Logan Paul-- known for his short videos about... stuff. He has more than 16 million Instagram followers, so a lot of teens like his "stuff." He recently visited Aokigahara, a dense forest known as the "Sea of Trees" on the northwestern side of Mount Fiji. The beautiful forest is sadly known as a popular destination for people to attempt suicide. Well, as soon as Logan entered the forest, he discovered a man's dead body. So, why not make that tragedy the center of your next stupid video?

His video commentary was a tasteless, poor attempt at humor. And the world got really angry at him. But he did it for the views. Or he didn't... 

But... he's, like, totally sorry: 
And now he's taking a break from vlogging. Good. Bye, you self-entitled piece of smeg. 

Your New Year's Resolution: Eat a bag of steamy "Richards". Make that an extra large bag..

PHOTO CREDIT:
​www.giphy.com
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    I lovingly call out celebs for their naughty behavior. Sometimes a 'slap' is a needed wake-up call. ;)

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