Offenders for the week ending March 23, 2018:
"I'm a ho pirate."
#3 KYLIE JENNER
Why we make these tw*t biscuits celebrities, I'll never understand. But they're great fodder for us. Kylie's taking the heat for giving her newest Kylie Cosmetic blushes salacious names-- because she has a lot of teenage fans. Some of those names include: X Rated, Virginity, and Barely Legal. Social media lit up like the Fourth of July with fury:
"Kylie Jenner decided to name her cheap blushes with even cheaper names. Seems they're named after her life, underage-dating a 20-something dad. Bravo @krisjenner."
Well, when you don't live in reality while the rest of us do-- you don't think of consequences. Frankly, there's no thinking at all.
Here are some blush color names you might want to consider for your next autobiographical blush batch:
Angry Beaver
DNA Dumpster
Schlong Serenade
Or my favorite: STFU Forever F&ck Face.
"Kylie Jenner decided to name her cheap blushes with even cheaper names. Seems they're named after her life, underage-dating a 20-something dad. Bravo @krisjenner."
Well, when you don't live in reality while the rest of us do-- you don't think of consequences. Frankly, there's no thinking at all.
Here are some blush color names you might want to consider for your next autobiographical blush batch:
Angry Beaver
DNA Dumpster
Schlong Serenade
Or my favorite: STFU Forever F&ck Face.
"Don't mind while I violate you..."
#2 KATY PERRY
Katy's taking the heat for smooching 19-year-old Benjamin Glaze against his will during his recent American Idol audition. He confessed to the panel of judges that he had never kissed a gal because:
"I wanted to save it for my first relationship, I wanted it to be special."
Awwww! But now he's been violated. See, Katy sprung up and offered her cheek (so glad it wasn't her ass cheek) for him to peck. Dissatisfied that Benjamin didn't make the "smush" sound when he kissed her cheek, he tried again. That's when she pulled the ol' switcherooski and he ended up kissing her on the lips.
Gag!
That mouth has been on dirty-butt Russell Brand, known manwhore John Mayer, and many, many more questionable meat platters!
Even though he didn't make it to Hollywood, the kid has class. He says he doesn't feel sexually harassed, and says the kiss doesn't count because it was just physical contact with no emotion behind it. Which is probably how Katy's justified all her dong diving.
"I wanted to save it for my first relationship, I wanted it to be special."
Awwww! But now he's been violated. See, Katy sprung up and offered her cheek (so glad it wasn't her ass cheek) for him to peck. Dissatisfied that Benjamin didn't make the "smush" sound when he kissed her cheek, he tried again. That's when she pulled the ol' switcherooski and he ended up kissing her on the lips.
Gag!
That mouth has been on dirty-butt Russell Brand, known manwhore John Mayer, and many, many more questionable meat platters!
Even though he didn't make it to Hollywood, the kid has class. He says he doesn't feel sexually harassed, and says the kiss doesn't count because it was just physical contact with no emotion behind it. Which is probably how Katy's justified all her dong diving.
"I really am a toolbag!"
#1 BEN AFFLECK
Dude. How many midlife "crises" can you have!?!?! And if you're gonna have two jillion crises, own 'em all! Back in 2016, Benster was spotted with a massive back tattoo-- like, a full-back tattoo. He claimed it was for a movie role.
Well guess, what. NOT! He was recently spotted, sans shirt, with the full-color phoenix rising artwork on his back. And it wasn't pretty for many reasons. Justifiably, the internets went all bat-shit over B-Aff's gaffe. Twitter user Crystal Methanny had this gem:
"Next time you're feeling sad, remember that you're not Ben Affleck so you (probably) don't have a tattoo so big and so ugly and so universally ridiculed that you had to lie and say it was only temporary and just for a movie when it is so clearly not."
Ben's maybe-ex-wife Jennifer Garner is a little disturbed by the supposed meaning behind the tacky tat:
"A phoenix rising from the ashes. Am I the ashes in this scenario? I take umbrage. I refuse to be the ashes."
She should get a phoenix rising tat, too. Except she's definitely rising from the ashes of that asshat.
P.S. Looks like a color wheel threw up on you.
Well guess, what. NOT! He was recently spotted, sans shirt, with the full-color phoenix rising artwork on his back. And it wasn't pretty for many reasons. Justifiably, the internets went all bat-shit over B-Aff's gaffe. Twitter user Crystal Methanny had this gem:
"Next time you're feeling sad, remember that you're not Ben Affleck so you (probably) don't have a tattoo so big and so ugly and so universally ridiculed that you had to lie and say it was only temporary and just for a movie when it is so clearly not."
Ben's maybe-ex-wife Jennifer Garner is a little disturbed by the supposed meaning behind the tacky tat:
"A phoenix rising from the ashes. Am I the ashes in this scenario? I take umbrage. I refuse to be the ashes."
She should get a phoenix rising tat, too. Except she's definitely rising from the ashes of that asshat.
P.S. Looks like a color wheel threw up on you.
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