"Backside Story"-- The Musical

Offenders for the week ending August 18, 2017:

"Hi, remember my jay-jay?"

#3 KATY PERRY

Katy and ex-bf Orlando Bloom reunited for one night-- to see Ed Sheeran in concert. The two dated for 10 months, but weren't on the same page relationship-wise. See, he was afraid of commitment. An insider had this to say:

"They definitely seemed like they're back together... They cuddled most of the night. She sat on his lap and shared kisses."

Sigh... First, why did you choose an Ed Sheeran concert to go to? There's, like, baby-making mojo sprayed in the air at those shows! Second, why oh why must people "re-connect" with an ex? There's a smorgasbord of sausages out there to experience! Hopefully, this was just a one-time thing. He doesn't want to put a ring on it, so let it go like Elsa. 

Please, please, please quit making Orlando... Bloom!

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"Oh, shit...."

#2 TOM CRUISE

I've loved you. I've loathed you. Now, I'm just indifferent, but still-- stop with the doing of your own stunts! Dude jacked-up his body on the set of Mission Impossible 1,056. Video shows Maverick leaping from scaffolding, clinging to the side of a building. He either over-shot it, or under-shot it-- but he hit it HARD. Then, he had another issue where he missed a jump and slammed into the edge of a building. Afterwards, Tommy had a really bad limp. 

I get doing some minimally-risky stunts, but this is just insane. I'm sure you feel uber indestructible since you sold your soul to the false idols of Scientology, but guess what? You are, indeed, still mostly human. 

Just stop. Stick to jumping on couches.

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"Backstreet's back/Oh, shart!"

#1 BACKSTREET BOYS

Hard to believe it's been 20 years since the boys dropped their first album. During an interview with Rolling Stone, A.J. Mclean regaled the interviewer about their fourth album and their song "The Call"-- and how that bass line was constructed. It was constructed with the help of someone's... ass. Literally. Allegedly, while Howie Dorough (or is that Dough Boy) was recording his harmony he let one slip because he was really into it. Uh-huh. So, the producer decided to make his fart sound like a bass line.  My B.S. Alert is going off on this one.

If Howie really did a one-cheek-sneak, how ​LOUD​ was it? Mics are sensitive and all, but if you're singing and farting and the fart is audible? That's one dude that's a walking stink bomb! Whatevs. Let's roll with this then. Y'all could use reinvention since you have no plans on a reunion tour. Why not redo (or is that re-toot) some of your most popular songs, like these:

"As Long As You Gas Me"
"Larger Than Fart"
"Everyfarty"

Celebrate your booty ocarinas!

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PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com