Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

Swagless

11/12/2021

Offender for the week ending November 12, 2021:

#3 SCOTT DISICK

This fool thinks if he keeps in good with the Kardashian/Jenners, he might get another shot at Kourtney. HA HA HA HA! He says he considers Kris Jenner to be a second mom to him, and that he gets along well with everyone-- except Kourtney.

Well, her opinion matters most. And she ain't leaving Travis Barker-- a real man. Just go back to age-inappropriate dating.

A little poem for you:

Disick
Is a dick
Not so slick
Go find a pole to lick

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#2 JEFF BEZOS

Jeffy was just kidding, but you know a part of him was serious when he took a shot at the luscious Leo DiCaprio. Jeff and his lady love, Lauren Sanchez, were at some soiree where Leo was. And he was lookin' F-I-N-E in a tux. Lauren was alllll into Leo, and as he turned to walk away, it looked like she was going to grab his hand and follow. Well, Barstool Sports posted video of the exchange with the caption "Leo is Mr. Steal Yo Girl."

In response, Jeff posted a picture of himself standing by a sign that read: "Danger! Steep Cliff Fatal Drop" with the caption: "Leo, come over here. I want to show you something."

Look, Bezhos. You have more money than Leo. It's cool. Go ride your penis rocket to space. It'll be okay.

A little poem for you:

Sad but true
You got the bag
But Leo got swag
Boo hoo

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#1 YE, formerly known as Kanye West

I've slapped this dude so many times, but he doesn't seem to learn. I actually feel sorry for him as he's going through a lot. Name change; marital status change. Reports came out months ago that these two are, indeed, getting divorced-- and that everything had been settled. Now, Ye claims he's never seen any divorce papers, and that he wants to stay together with Kim Kardashian. He's blaming the media, and streaming service Hulu for the breakup of his family:

"I wanna pull my family back together... It's MY family, Hulu."

What the eff does that mean? Perhaps you shouldn't have run off to your ranch in Montana for months at a time while your family was in L.A. Methinks he's just upset Kim's bumpin' uglies with Pete Davidson. I mean, I'd hurl too, but... you have your own little hook-up action going on...

A little poem for you:

Ye Ye
Go away
Change your name to
Overplayed

Different Direction

11/5/2021

Offender for the week ending November 5, 2021:

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#3 HARVEY WEINSTEIN

There really is no room for people like Harvey Weinween on this planet. You know the type-- asshats that terrorize people; sexually harass people; threaten people. You might even work with someone just like this, sadly. Continuing to prove what a large, steamy POS this guy is, the story that Harvo effed-over the late Robin Williams. According to Kevin Smith, Weenerstein purposely pulled "Good Will Hunting" from theaters early so that Robin wouldn't get too much money from his back-end deal. Kevin said:

"It was like, 'Wait. There's all this Oscar buzz, so why would you pull it if it was just making money? They did it because keeping it in theaters meant that more of the money would go to Robin, whereas the moment it went to video, the split wasn't Robin-heavy. It was hamstrung because (of) greed."

The film made over $225 million and won two Oscars.

Is there a place worse than hell for him to burn in? Or should he get some good ol' Old Testament Justice, first?

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#2 KIM KARDASHIAN

Kimmy. You've left behind one ball sack. Don't run into the bowl of another-- meaning-- stay away from Pete Davidson! This dude is a known wang slinger! There is no flesh ride in the world worth the grief. The two have been spotted holding hands, and they're trying to play that "we're just friends" line that nobody ever believes. A source says:

"No one really knows what's going on with Kim and Pete. They are just friends right now, but things could turn romantic."

I still cannot figure out what the attraction is. Maybe he runs the best game ever, because he just got done with Bridgerton's Phoebe Dynevor. He's got so many notches on his bedpost, the bedpost broke. Maybe he's trying to one-up John Mayer?

Anywho, make sure that man-ho wraps it. Do. Better... Literally.

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#1 ZAYN MALIK

You shouldn't try to resolve conflict with shoving the grandmother of your child. But... Zayn has an anger issue, apparently. Yolanda Hadid, mother of Zayn's on-again-off-again GF Gigi Hadid, says Zayn struck her last week. Zayn says it's not true:

"I adamantly deny striking Yolanda Hadid and for the sake of my daughter I decline to give any further details."

Look. Yolanda may have been a part of the Real Housewives of Orange County at one point, but she's not a drama queen. She's always been the voice of reason. So, methinks the accusations are true. Enough so that Gigi has met with lawyers to arrange custody because, unfortunately, "Zayn will have to be a part of her (the baby's) life."

Zayn and Gigi have been toxic from day one. Time to move in a different direction. Hope you learned your lesson Malik The Deek. Or just keep being a "dick".

Ye-ppy Skippy

10/29/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offender for the week ending October 29, 2021:

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#3 SCOTT DISICK

Somebody's not taking their ex's engagement so well! The dude who couldn't put a ring on Kourtney Kardashian in 10 years is upset that Travis Barker locked that down. WAAAAAH! First of all, you're a tool. Second, she's better off. Way better off. Travis is a rocker, and you're just... flaccid. An insider said:

"Scott is going crazy. He's going to go off the deep end. It's really bad. It's about to get dark."

This dude has been problematic since birth. Maybe he should get together with Travis' ex, Shanna Moakler. She's equally not pleased. They could console each other's dark hearts.

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#2 KANYE WEST

Kanye is an interesting fella, isn't he? Well, he's no longer Kanye. He had his name legally changed from Kanye Omari West to... "Ye". Just... Ye. No middle name. No last name.

Is it pronounced "yay" or "yee"? Of the change he said:

"... the being formally known as Kanye West. I am YE."

So, it's capitalized? This is so confusing. I hope it's not "yee" because that sounds like "yeast". Which may explain a lot.

But how will this affect his next presidential run?

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#1 GEORGE TAKEI

They say Italians will hold a grudge forever. You all have forgotten about the Asians-- we're talking holding a grudge for centuries if need be (I know because of some of my family members.) George will go to his grave hating William Shatner. His latest disgust? When Bill rode Jeff Bezos' rocket into space-- making him the oldest man to ever go to space.

George was bent:

"He's a guinea pig, so 90-years-old is going to show a great deal more on the wear and tear on the human body, so he'll be a good specimen to study. Although he's not the fittest specimen of 90-years-old, so he'll be a specimen that's unfit."

And then he said that Shatner went where others have already boldly gone. Damn, dude. Chill. Guess his beef with Shat is his belief that Shatner way back in the day cut a scene of his from one of the Star Trek movies and denied him command of a ship... which his character did get. But, whatevs. What world is George living in that he's so upset over Sulu's "slight".

Perhaps he's the one that's actually out of this world...

Nailed

10/15/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offender for the week ending October 15, 2021:

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#3 MEGHAN KING

You can take the girl out of reality TV, but you can't take the reality TV life out of the girl. Why? Because she's the Hot Mess Express, and is proud of it! Her latest doomed move? Getting married after just a few weeks of dating. Megs has tied the knot with President Biden's nephew, Cuffe Owens.

First of all, what the f*ck kind of name is Cuffe!?!? It means glove... which I hope he uses the love glove so there aren't any more cuffers running around. But I digress. Megan said the two of them clicked on a dating app, they spoke on the phone for five hours, she flew to St. Louis to meet him, and the rest is history. Thank goodness her divorce from former MLBer Jim Edmonds was just finalized.

I'm sure his being the nephew of the Prez had nothing to do with your smitten-ess....

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#2 DEMI LOVATO

She has gone from cool to tool quickly. I'm glad that she has a platform and feels empowered to speak on behalf of those she feels are slighted, but many times she's misguided and acting-out because she's triggered. And her latest battle? We all need to stop calling aliens, aliens. You know, the green or grey creatures we imagine that are from another realm. She feels that it's offensive to describe other possible life forms as alien. By one definition, alien:

"belonging or relating to another person, place or thing... belonging to a foreign country or nation."

Offensive. Demi says:

"I think that we have to stop calling them aliens because aliens is a derogatory term for anything. That's why I like to call them ETs!"

I see what's going on here. You're one of them. With that, ET phone home and get outta here!

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#1 ERIKA JAYNE

This poor (maybe literally) cast member of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is so tragic-- the collateral damage of her ancient lawyer-husband's scheme of robbing his clients of settlement money (and then spending it on her lavish lifestyle). She had no idea her hubs was bilking people! (wink, wink) And now, she can't take it anymore. She has publicly put on her martyr hat, and has even dared to compare herself to Jesus.

A fan posted that Erika's lawyer is "undermining the judicial system", adding-- "this is exactly how CHRIST died."

Erika, of course, retweeted the post. Just. Wow. Whether you are a believer or not, Christ stood for many things. None of which Erika stands for. To compare yourself to a holy being, when you should be comparing yourself to a whoring being is repulsive. You're scamming, lying, cheating, gluttonous lifestyle is your choosing. To be caught breaking the law and being immoral is called justice. Not Jesus.

Waiting for the lightning to strike in three, two, one...

Wild Thing

10/8/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offender for the week ending October 8, 2021:

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#3 CLARE CRAWLEY & DALE MOSS

This is why reality TV has ruined everything. Because we take "normal" people, give them a platform, and revel in their dysfunction. Clare and Dale would be two people we'd steer away from IRL because of their drama, but now? We're down with the mess because we realize their "celebrity" makes them no better than the rest of us with "situations".

These two have been on-again, off-again since Clare blew up Bachelor Nation by leaving her season of the Bachelorette a week in because she found "the one" with Dale. Apparently, he enjoys sharing his "one thing" with other ladies-- and they're done for good. For now. Clare has accused Dale of not being there for her as her mother is dying, for being a publicity hound, and for hooking-up with fellow Bachelor Nation member Abigail Herenger.

Abigail confirmed the encounter with Dale, but was under the presumption that things weren't serious between Dale and Clare. Girl, you're not the first one to ever hear that tale. So, we'll spare you the slap hand. Meanwhile, Dale and Clare-- brace yourselves. You two need to quit each other for good and move on. You don't want the same things and you can't bend another to your will. That's for you, Clare. Dale-- slink away and stop pretending to be a good guy.

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#2 GWYNETH PALTROW

I had hoped she had disappeared, but she's baaaaack, with some other bullsh&t product that we don't need and that she's not qualified to sell: a female libido enhancer. Called DTF. Yes, DTF stands for exactly what it stands for on the streets: Down To F&ck.

While I will give her kudos for catchy product names, there is no way in hell anybody should be buying her overpriced shizz. Seriously. Buy overpriced stuff from someplace else. Anywho, perhaps she was feeling not-so-frisky herself, and therefore felt she would give women a product they can't get anywhere else (but can):

"Everyday stress and anxiety, hormonal changes, exhaustion, age... these can impact our libido and sexual health. So yes, we (with our science and research team) created a supplement that REALLY helps."

DTF contains Libifem fenugreek and shatavari (which sounds like somebody swearing at us) to get things...flowing... while improving mood.

Look, B. Women have wine for all of that. And maybe some women need to consciously uncouple from the "D" for a hot minute.

Don't you have a vageen to steam?

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#1 CHARLIE SHEEN

He's so likable as an actor, so loathe-able as a person. And he's such a complete d*ck because he
can-- especially to those that have put up with his b.s. over the decades. The guy that brought tiger blood and #winning into our vernacular can't stop torturing ex-wife Denise Richards. His drug use and wandering wang tore their marriage apart, but she remained amenable and available for the sake of their kids-- who have now turned on her, thanks to Charlie. She even helped raise his children with his second ex-wife so the children would bond and get to know each other better!

Daughter Sam has decided to move in with daddy because she can't tolerate the rules in Denise's house. And even though Charlie is supposedly behind in child support, payments for Sam have been stopped. So, Denise will have to go to court for that. Charlie is playing "good cop" to Denise's supposed "bad cop":

"Everything's a big party. (at Charlie's house). He plays this game with the kids. (sweetening them up) with ice cream and movies and staying up late."

What's next? Mutual drug use. You're quickly becoming a primo POS.

Charlie Sheen
You're so mean
You have a tiny ween
So small it can't be seen
And what's there is probably unclean

R Skelly

10/1/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offender for the week ending October 1, 2021:

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#3 NICK CANNON

So sad. The c*ck is on lockdown. Check that. They baby-making is, but not the lovin'. Nick says he's done with being fruitful and multiplying. This, after his therapist told him to try celibacy., Because he fathered 4 kids in less than a year, and now he was a total of 7.

He joked previously that he was going to start his own sperm bank. I mean, he could. Apparently he's got enough for the entire universe. But, it's best if he tucks his sack away-- just in case the zombie apocalypse happens and we need to jumpstart this thing again...

P.S. We would've cost you a lot less than you therapist to tell you the exact same thing.

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#2 NICOLAS CAGE

What's that line from Animal House that's always perfect for situations like this?

"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

Yup. That sums things up. Nico needs to get a grip on his drink-o. He was booted from the upscale Vegas eatery, Lawry's Prime Rib cuz they thought he was a homeless, drunk man raising all kinds of heck. A witness said he was "completely drunk" and arguing with a staff member before getting the boot.

"... was completely smashed. He was in a really bad state and was walking around shoeless... he had been downing shots of tequila and 1980 Macallan whiskey."

Apparently,. he was so drunk he couldn't get his flip-flops on. Two things you need to stay away from, Nic: Booze and women. Isn't he on wife #5 now?

P.S. Was it the movie Face/Off that made him a joke? Discuss...

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#1 R. KELLY

This Ultimate POS is getting what we've all been waiting for-- a conviction. After decades of sexually abusing girls, boys and women, Rasshole finally was convicted on all 9-counts he faced-- including racketeering and violating the Mann Act (which prohibits the transport of any woman or girl across state lines for any "immoral purpose.") This is the first time he's been criminally prosecuted despite the allegations that have followed him for 25 years.

He faces 10-years-to-life in prison, and that doesn't feel like enough for all the lives he has destroyed. Even death is too good for this non-human. Years of torture is a good start. With Hell waiting for him in the end. So to speak...

P.S. If Bill Cosby says you've been wronged, then we all know we got it right. Too bad the two of you couldn't have shared a cell...

Wank 100

9/24/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offender for the week ending September 24th, 2021:

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#3 ANGELINA JOLIE

This "b" ain't ever putin' the claws away. She wants to draw as much blood and pain from Brad Pitt as possible. In addition to the never-ending custody battle, Angie tried to stiff Brad in a real estate transaction, and now... she's claiming Brad is using his celebrity status to get special treatment in court.

Let's we checked, YOU ARE A CELEBRITY! Angie successfully had a judge booted from the case, and now Brad wants that overturned....Blah, blah, blah....

I'm not saying we know what happened in their relationship behind closed doors. But if he is the big tool bag you claim he is-- then why haven't we heard a peep from his past lady loves?

Get a set of batteries and work that angst out, girlfriend.

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#2 DRAKE BELL

The former Nickelodeon star recently pleaded guilty to child endangerment charges and sentenced to two years probation. Now that he feels the dust has settled, he's speaking out about the situation. On Instagram. He said there were too many lies spread about him, and clickbait. And the reason why he did the plea thing was to resolve things quickly.

What? So it could all go away?

He also reminded everyone that he wasn't charged for anything involving photographs or "anything physical", but.... he was "reckless and irresponsible" with text messages.

MMMkay.

"I want to say thank you to everyone who saw through the lies and did their research and looked at my case and saw for what it was, instead of through all this media confusion...."

Wait. You admitted to poor judgement in texting a minor. Maybe you shouldn't have taken some rando's number in the first place. Two, a couple of people have accused you of abuse, so don't get too cocky. Three, go away. We don't need some pedo or psuedo-pedo vibes.

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#1 WACK 100

Wack is definitely whack. He's claiming there's another bang-'em tape starring Kim Kardashian and Ray J. He says it's longer (the video) and more graphic than the film that made the Kardashians a household name.

No thanks.

But Wack says he only wants one set... of eyes... peeping it. And that's Kim's ex, Kanye.

What kind of messed up world do you live in? Like Kanye really wants to see his ex and Ray J-- again? Sit. Down. Meanwhile, Ray J is pissed:

"This ain't cool... How can I show off growth and maturity if this kinda stuff keeps happening? I'm a father now and my job is to be a great parent and put them first. This is not the message I want to send out. SMH."

I think somebody needs to whack Wack upside the head with the video... and then burn it.

Febreezy Yeezy

9/10/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offender for the week ending September 10th, 2021:

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#3 KANYE WEST

Two things here:

1. Though not shocking, this fool may have cheated on his "dream girl", now-ex wife Kim Kardashian. In his new song "Hurricane", he raps:

"Here I go actin' too rich/ Here I go with a new chick/ And I know what the truth is/ Still playin' after two kids/ It's a lot to digest when your life always movin'"

Perhaps it's more than cows he's been herding at that ranch of his...

2. Martha West? Kanye Stewart? Guess who wants to be a lifestyle brand? Yup. Shower curtains, towels, placemats, wall décor. Surely, it will all be overpriced and lookin' like something you've wiped your ass with. You know those towels granny got for free with the box of detergent? That's what I imagine he'll be "designing" and selling.

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#2 ANGELINA JOLIE

Her big lips are loose lips. Girl is spilling all the tea about her relationship with Brad. Well, not really spilling all of it. Because she can't. She's alluded to a volatile relationship with her is-he-ever-gonna-be-her-ex in the past. But now in a recent interview, they fought really badly over Harvey Weinstein. She claims the perv tried to assault her, and she told Brad, and then asked him to not work on the film "Inglorious Basterds"-- produced by Weinstein. But he did star in the movie and Angie was mad. Weenstein is a known asshat, so I get it.

But... Angie also claims that she feared for her entire family's safety while being married to Brad, and that the decision to divorce was not an easy one to make. Too many women are in abusive relationships, and this is not making light of that. Something just seems off. Like she's dragging this whole thing out to drag Brad. If he is a true POS, then there would be more stories, no? From other women? She does have a book coming out, so...

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#1 SCOTT DISICK

This man child can't get over Kourtney Kardashian. So much so, he slid into the DMs of one of her exes, threw shade at her to him, then made the DMs public himself. WTF? Well, Scott's waaaay younger GF, Amelia Gray Hamlin, dumped his creepy ass. Apparently, she was not pleased that old boy is still pining for Kourtney. Good for you, Amelia. But let's slap you, too. Dude was waaaay too old for you. He is old enough to be your dad. And you shouldn't have daddy issues, cuz your daddy is hot! Plus, why have dried, chipped beef when you can have some virile veal?

And Scott, get over it. Travis Barker may be all rocked and tatted-out. But he's cool and has cred. You're just... crud.

Rated R

8/27/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offender for the week ending August 27th, 2021:

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It's a rare occurrence when the slap list is dedicated to one individual. But in this case, he's worthy of way more than a "slap". He needs extinguished from existence. So here we go:

#3, #2, #1 R. KELLY
Why is this dreg of society still walking around a free man? Probably because he has the money to pay people off. R. Kelly is on trial, charged with nine counts of racketeering and violations of the Mann Act, which makes it a crime to transport "any woman or girl" across state lines for any "immoral purpose." The testimony has been jaw-dropping-- but sadly, not shocking. Here are some of the lowlife-lights from court testimony.

Anthony Navarro was the douchebag's assistant from 2007 to 2009. He said R's Chicago mansion was like the Twilight Zone because:

"You went into the gate and it was like a different world... just a strange place."

Anthony was in charge of enforcing "Rob's Rules" as a way to keep the girls in line. He wasn't allowed to speak to them as he escorted the girls to their designated rooms-- that they weren't allowed to leave. One rule included:

"If they're (the girls) not where they're supposed to be, you'd have to tell Rob or a manager. They weren't supposed to be wandering around."

In addition, Anthony recalled reviewing security footage and seeing two teenage girls jump the fence to escape. Meanwhile, Demetrius Smith was R's former tour manager. He was in the inner circle, and helped orchestrate R's illegal marriage to Aaliyah. When Aaliyah was 15, she thought she was pregnant. R was worried about going to jail because she was 15 and he was 27, so he had Demetrius bribe a welfare office worker to make an illegal ID card that didn't show her date of birth. They then obtained a marriage license.

Then, a woman named Zel-- an aspiring then 17-year-old aspiring singer-- testified. She says her initial plan was to audition for him. But he pressured her for sex when he got to his hotel. After some time together, she informed R. that she needed to go back to school since she was only 17. Zel said he laughed in her face, slapped her, then told her she'd be home-schooled so she could live with him in Chicago. At one point, Zel got pregnant. R told her to get an abortion so she could "keep her body tight". Because his girls needed to

"...stay beautiful and innocent and that anything Daddy says is to help me."

If any girl broke any of Rob's Rules, they would be chastised with spankings that would tear the skin and leave bruises.

Oh, and if this wasn't horrific enough? R gave Zel the herpes-- then blamed her.

If convicted, he faces 10-years to life in prison. A lifetime wouldn't be enough IF he is convicted.

There is no pain he could suffer that would atone for all his crimes....

Double Oh-No!

8/20/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending August 20th, 2021:

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#3 JIM EDMONDS

This fool is engaged again. This time to someone, the name doesn't really matter. This will make wife #4 for Jimmy. Is he trying to have as many wives as years he played in the MLB? Of course, this gal's "the one". Never age appropriate, by the way. But me wonders if this wife will want kids, like his third wife did, and then he wasn't there for those kids because he's in AARP land and doesn't care, but hey his sperm still swim, so....

That was a lot... like the number of ex wives he's going to have.

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#2 DANIEL CRAIG

I have some mixed feelings about Daniel-- besides if he really made a good 007 or not. It seems he's a part of this trend to not leave his kids any money when he double-oh-dies because it ain't cool. So his intention is to give away his fortune while he's alive because he doesn't want to die rich. Sorry, kids. Daddy's worth $160-million, but you'll get nothing and like it.

"I don't want to leave great sums to the next generation. I think inheritance is quite distasteful. My philosophy is get rid of it or give it away before you go."

I get the concept that a person should make their own way in life, but unless your kids are complete douchenozzles, why the hate? There is nothing wrong with building generational wealth, which could lead to greater opportunities for your two daughters and their children. Legacy building ain't all bad.

But since this is how you're rollin', my hand is out if ya wanna drop some cheddar...

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#1 MAMA JUNE

It's said that this creature rose to fame thanks to her daughter's (Honey Boo Boo) popularity on Toddlers and Tiaras on TLC. There was even a time when I was happy that Mama June was able to make a better life for herself and her kids. But then she went back to her trailer park ways, because you can't take the trailer park out of the person. One of her boyfriends was the same man that was accused of raping one of her daughters. Uhmmmm, WTF? And then she hooked up with Geno Doak and got into a bunch of trouble with crack cocaine use and possession and blowing through all her reality TV money.

Dumbass.

But she's seen the light, now. After Geno was sentenced to 16 months for his drug charges, she decided to end things with him.

"He's not a part of my life, hasn't been."

Maybe you'll learn that drugs and DV aren't the way to live. Though you've made money from being a hot mess. doesn't mean you shouldn't try to live a better life.

Dear Mama June
Quit thinkin' with your poon
Wake da fuque up
Before you get cut

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Swagless

Different Direction

Ye-ppy Skippy

Nailed

Wild Thing

R Skelly

Wank 100

Febreezy Yeezy

Rated R

Double Oh-No!

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