Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior - Haus of V

Three Hoe-migos

10/5/2018

Offenders for the week ending October 5, 2018:

#3 DANIELLE STAUB

The Real Housewives of New Jersey cast member is no longer a housewife, and she blames the booze for her unfortunate nuptials. But not her boozing. His.

"It's funny how I saw certain things happening, but you just believe, especially with the perception around us, getting engaged would make it better... getting married would make it better."

Who actually believes that? I mean, seriously. Let's get legally tied to one another, because that'll make me get my shizzola together. NOT! Staub got a temporary restraining order against her hubs when she found him standing in the garage, allegedly drunk, agitated and ready to rumble. He claims she threatened to stab him in the neck multiple times over the past year.

Methinks alcohol was involved in the dating, the wedding proposal, and the stumble down the aisle... so what's the surprise here. Plus, Dani is not known to be the most mentally stable.

Please. Stop marrying. It is you.

#2 CARDI B

I guess the "B" could stand for "brawler." It's bad enough she made the list a few weeks ago for throwing a shoe at Nicki Minaj at New York Fashion Week. Now, she's been charged with assault and reckless endangerment for the attack at a strip club in Queens. Two 20-something women were attacked

"with chairs, bottles and other items."

Damn! Apparently, Cardi thought one of the two women had "relations" with her husband. So, she ordered the attack. Ah, she thinks she's the brokedown mob. Or, she's auditioning for a Lifetime TV movie.

Again, you're a mother. Stop acting like an idiot! Just proves that money can't buy class. Perhaps you should've ordered a lock for your man's pants.

#1 LINDSAY LOHAN

This crazy train is off the rails again! Her family's worried about LiLo after she posted a bizarre video in which she accuses some random woman of human trafficking, then tried to snag her kids! WTH?!?! On the video (which has since been removed) she follows the family, then says:

"I just want to show you a family that I met that's a Syrian refugee family that I'm really worried about."

And then she got punched in the face. Ouchie.

Though she was sober sometime before (I don't know what year that was), she's apparently not now!

"The strict drinking rules in Dubai where she has been living have provided a nice cover for her as well as the fact that paparazzi aren't allowed there, so there is less of a chance of her getting caught."

And she owns a night club in Mykonos, because alcoholics should own night clubs. Where they serve alcohol. And other illegal substances might be floating about.

Girl, you are 32 going on one-foot-in-the-grave. Wake up and stop being a f*ck up!

Tricky Dickies

9/28/2018

Offenders for the week ending September 28, 2018:

#3 TRISTAN THOMPSON

This dude cannot quit the pink taco! Earlier this year, T.T. was caught in a cheating scandal. And now, guess what? He was spotted leaving a Hollywood club with two brunettes. Double dribble! Well, there's no evidence that he engaged in any no-no place activities. But... he does behave in a suspicious manner.

Things have been going groovy for Khloe Kardashian and Tristan. They moved to California for the summer so her family could spend time with their baby, Tru. The Kardashians forgave Tristan's wander wang ways, and everything was peaches and cream. (And perhaps he's getting some peaches and cream for dessert.)

Or... the reason he left the club with the two brunettes is because he's an Uber driver on the side... Or, he wants to ensure more CAVS victories. He plays better when he plays around.

#GivinRides

#2 KANYE WEST

Kanye should go work at Wendy's, cuz he's beefin' again. This time with Drake, Nick Cannon, and Tyson Beckford. Damn! That's a triple combo meal with cheese! Mr. West had these words:

"I just want to express some tings that are not sitting right with my spirit. Now that I'm out of the sunken place, I think and just be Ye and express how I feel. There's a couple of things I want to address. First of all I want to address Nick Cannon, like, I understand that you used to date my wife, but you know, you're (giving) an interview, don't mention my wife. Don't be making no suggestions, like nobody f&cked my wife."

What? I dozed off. See, Nick said that Drake "smashed" Kim Kardashian.

Would this really be shocking? And who cares. Many a train has spilled its cargo rollin' through that tunnel.

He's mad at Tyson for saying his boo is a homophobe, and is mad at Drake for something involving his maybe-secret love child.

Did you get all that? But Kanye is an optimist:

"... all three of you all, come talk to me. Holla at me. We will work it out and come to a resolution..."

Uhm. I don't think they give a rat's Yeezy about this mess.

#ZipYoLip

#1 BILL COSBY

In case you missed it, Mr. Roofie Rapist was sentenced to three to 10 years in prison for drugging and raping Andrea Constand. Poor convict allegedly went ballistic at his home during his sentencing phase. Basically, he was upset that his lawyers didn't do a better job defending him. So, he tried to slam his cane on his kitchen counter, missed, and almost went through the window instead.

"He had a drink of iced tea and then tried swinging it again."

BWAAA HAAAA HAAAA!

Reports indicate that Kung Fu F&ckface swings his cane often at stuff and noises because he can't see. Guess he'll have to get good with a broom handle in prison. Speaking of, Billy had a rough first day behind bars. Someone threw a stale hotdog bun at him, and he fell down a flight of steps because he's not allowed to have his cane. He told his complicit wife, Camille to:

"...grab the checkbook and hire anyone and everyone" to get him out of prison.

I can only imagine how difficult his shower situation will be. Finally, after all these years and all those victims... Some justice. This is the legacy you now leave behind, ball fuzz.

#PuddinPopInThePooper

Peace Out!

9/21/2018

Offenders for the week ending September 21, 2018:

Offenders for the week ending September 21, 2018:

#3 SCHEANA SHAY, Vanderpump Rules Castmember

I have to hand it to Scheana. She's not shy about being a complete famewhore. She got married, then divorced two years later; gushed about her new BF Rob so much so that she scared him away. And now, she's in love again. Adam Spott is a new cast member, bartender at SUR and the newest hottie for everyone to drool over. Well, is she touching Adam's no-no place?

"You just have to watch next season. We're always together. He's my favorite person to be with."

You tease! Look, I get that you want a man to suffocate with love. But seriously, you need to air that thang out. Or you'll give birth one day to Freddie Krueger, Jr.

#VenusFlySnatch

#2 TOM ARNOLD

He puts the "ass" in classless. I'm so tired of politics infiltrating every facet of every thing. Tommy boy and producer Mark Burnett have publicly verbally battled about Arnold's upcoming show, The Hunt For The Trump Tapes, in which T-bag hopes to uncover tapes of the President saying racist and non-PC things during his days on The Apprentice. Because that's all Hollywood cares about is finding dirt. Sigh.

Allegedly, Arnold and Burnett got into some kind of physical altercation at a day-before-the-Emmys party. Roma Downey, Burnett's wife, tweeted:

"Got this bruise tonight when Tom Arnold tried to ambush my husband Mark and me at a charity event. Is your TV show worth it Tom? Please stop."

Tom wasn't having any of that:

"Bullsh*t. You lie your crazy husband attacked me you psycho. I'm filing police report & suing you for defamation."

You need to have character to be defamed.

#BackOffTheSauce

#1 VONTAE DAVIS, former player for the Buffalo Bills

I guess sometimes enough is enough. But at least finish your "work day" before you clean out your locker. Davis up and flat-out retired from the team AT HALFTIME! His former team was losing to the Chargers 28-6. Those must've been magic I-need-to-quit-now numbers. Linebacker Lorenzo Alexander was stunned:

"It's just completely disrespectful to his teammates. He didn't say nothing to nobody. I found out going into the second half of the game. They said he's not coming out, he retired. That's it."

What did Vontae have to say?

"This isn't how I pictured retiring... but today on the field, reality hit me fast and hard. I shouldn't be out there anymore. I meant no disrespect to my teammates and coaches."

Not how you pictured it? Uh, you have control over your actions. You could've retired a million other ways. Douchetae said he didn't want to "keep sacrificing" over a long season. Last I checked, the pro football season is 16 games. So, if you do the math ahead of time there are 16 GAMES! Should've bowed out at the beginning. Before game one. It's unfair to everyone. And selfish. You couldn't wait 30 more minutes to quit?

#QuittersNeverWin

Bitch Slap

9/14/2018

Offenders for the week ending September 14, 2018:

#3 CARDI B

You're a brand new momma, and now you're out fighting like some street cat? No! Cardi supposedly threw a shoe at Nicki Minaj during a New York Fashion Week party. The two have been beefin' for a hot minute, and things reached the tipping point at the event. Nicki has publicly criticized Cardi' parenting skills.

"When you mention my child... make comments about my abilities to take care of my daughter is when all bets are f&ckin' off!"

I get it. Totally. But nearly getting into a brawl is not the solution, and not a good example for the little ones. Yes, Nicki needs to keep her bubble-butt-mouth shut. You getting dragged out of a very public event with your dress torn, swearing and kicking is not cool. You could've sent her a bag of d*cks, box of dog poo, or a cup of STFU.

#TakeAChillPill

#2 ASHLEY JACOBS, reality TV wannabe star

Yes, a little piece (large piece) of me would love to have that reality TV platform. But I'm not quite sure I'd be willing to sell my soul-- and editorial control-- to make that happen. Hate-ly was first introduced to the reality TV world via Southern Charm where she served as cast member Thomas Ravenel's c*ck koozie. The two are on-again, off-again, and Thomas is off of the show because of those rape "allegations". Well, the psycho princess is begging to be included on the show's next season.

"I wish they (show producers) had the decency to contact me and give me a chance. Because I would like to have a redemption story, the same way Kathryn (Dennis) did. I'm not going to fight and I'm not going to play dirty. I'm going to smile and be nice. I never had the chance to do that on the show because I was so wrapped up in Thomas' drama. I was the villain, but people tuned in to watch. I'd like to give viewers the chance to see another side of me."

Besides the gold digger side? Or the whack job side? Or the hateful, evil side? How many sides you got, Cybil? Your archnemesis Kathryn grew up, got her shizz together because she had everything to lose. She worked hard. Your only work is floppin' on your back. So, bye!

#HiAshley

#1 SERENA WILLIAMS

Most sports fans aren't fans of umps or referees. And neither are some athletes. Especially when a call is made against them. During the U.S. Open finals, chair umpire Carlos Ramos gave Serena a game penalty for court violation. He claimed she was receiving illegal coaching from her player box during the first set. She said out loud:

"I don't cheat to win, I'd rather lose. I'm just letting you know."

Okay. Many tennis players will spar with the chair ump. But then, she turned it up a notch:

"You will never, ever, ever be on another court of mine as long as you live. You are the liar. When are you going to give me my apology? You owe me an apology? Say it. Say you're sorry... And you stole a point from me. You're a thief, too!"

Gulp.

When the match ended (she lost), she didn't shake the umpire's hand and she continued to demand an apology. Perhaps you were wronged. But your refusal to drop it led the winner-- a young rising star who admires you-- to cry tears of frustration in what should've been her crowning moment.

You're a champion. Act like one.

#Fail

Holy Groper

9/7/2018

Offenders for the week ending September 7, 2018:

#3 WILLIAM SHATNER

Why, Hold....A...................Grudge? In the pop culture icon's new book, he tells how he has no idea still why he a Leonard Nimoy fell out way back in 1995. Nimoy died in 2015, and Mr. TJ Hooker was slammed by fans for not attending the funeral.

"I loved Leonard, and he used to refer to me as his brother. Yet at the end of his life and for reasons I still don't know, he was not my friend. He died and I didn't feel welcome at his funeral."

Here's a thought: you should've been the bigger person. So he didn't return your calls. Did you know where he lived? Did you reach out to mutual friends, to family? Sigh.

As every parent has said: "This (slap) is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you." Oh, Shat...

#2 KHLOE KARDASHIAN

Girl, what in the AF are you thinking? Marrying that cheatin' man of yours? Please. Don't. Tristan and Khloe are talking about getting engaged!

"Khoe and Tristan are doing better than anyone could have expected."

Really. So they're talking "engagement." What about marriage? You know, that thing that's supposed to be about forever. And... did you disinfect his ding donger?

"Tristan has promised Khloe he will never betray her again. She believes him."

Was that a pinky promise? Because those can never be broken. I'm sure he's a man of his word. Bwaaa haaa haaa! Unless you put a padlock on his package, who knows what trollop he's gonna hop on when he's on the road. Just thank him for being your sperm donor and get!

#1 BISHOP CHARLES ELLIS THE THIRD

Grief makes people do inappropriate things, apparently. That's the excuse for grabbing Ariana Grande's boobala during Aretha Franklin's televised funeral-- right? Grief? More like good grief, Fart Munch, Then to make matters worse, he cracked some ridiculous joke to deflect and to apologize:

"Maybe I crossed the border, maybe I was too friendly."

WTF? Crossed the border? Like, "crossed the line". Or were you really wanting to travel "south of the border", wink wink. Too friendly? Uh, too "molestor-y" actually. By the way, he honked the hooter THREE TIMES. Three! To make matters even more mortifying, Slick Willie Clinton was looking poor Ariana up and down like she was a plate of biscuits and gravy. Hurl.

Maybe Bishop Beatoff he was invoking the Ernest Angley Method of Health Diagnosis through man-handling genitalia. Perhaps he was getting a jump-start on Breast Cancer Awareness month and was preforming a rudimentary mammogram. Or better yet, perhaps he's just the Reverend Douchebag.

Either way, you're going to Hell.

They Can Swim!

8/31/2018

Offenders for the week ending August 31, 2018:

#3 ED SHEERAN

How could you marry in secret, Eddie? Sure, your nuptials would've been a complete circus...but methinks this would've surpassed the royal wedding. Of course, many adoring ladies might call your wedding the funeral of their fantasies. But seriously, Ed was being interviewed about his upcoming Apple Music documentary when he was asked about his wedding plans. That's when the multi-platinum, multi-gajillionaire played coy-- and pointed to a silver band on his left ring finger!

Mr. Ed never wanted a big ol' thang anyways:

"I don't like large groups of people at the best of times. I never wanted a wedding that was loads of people."

Fine. I guess I'll just have to keep the Target gift card I was going to send you.

#YourLoss

#2 TAYLOR HANSON

The 35-year-old and his wife announced they're having baby #6. I guess when he's not making music with his brothers, he's making-time with his lady love. Wow!

"Baby Hanson coming in December and we are over the moon."

Apparently, somebody's "full moon" got someone knockered up! You are the real-life Brady Bunch. Congrats. I guess your "slap" is to make sure you're not deliriously reproducing. But I'm afraid a slap might turn you on, and then I'll be writing about baby #7...

I wonder if MMMBop is some kind of ovulation-earthquake song resulting in the creation of many boppers. It is a catchy tune...

#SpermBop

#1 EDDIE MURPHY

Speaking of catching things... did y'all drink from the same fertility cup?!? Cuz, Eddie is going to be a father for the TENTH TIME! He and longtime girlfriend Paige Butcher are expecting their second child together. Eddie has five children over the age of 20, two teenagers, a pre-teen, a toddler, and one on the way. So there's a 29-year age gap between kid #1 and yet-to-be-born kid. My head hurts... but, hey-- Eddie is all about the kids:

"The brightest part of my life is my kids. My world revolves around them."

You have a basketball team, and a second string! Maybe he's all Old Testament and thinks he needs to keep the human race going...

Perhaps your next movie role should be "The Nutsack Professor".... since yours is so... bountiful.

#FruitOfYourLoins

The Girl Who Cried (Wolf)

8/23/2018

Offenders for the week ending August 24, 2018:

#3 LUANN DE LESSEPS, from the Real Housewives of New York

When you agree, legally, to provide for your children-- no matter their age-- then you follow through. That's the right thing to do.

When the former countess got divorced, she took possession of their Bridgehampton, New York, mansion. She was supposed to create a trust where her children (who are now adults) would receive half the interest in the home. But she did not. Must've forgotten during one of her many adult beverage binges. Oopsies.

So, her ex and her children are suing. And rightfully so, even though LuLu's feelings are hurt:

"First of all, I found out about this whole story... in the press so that was devastating... I felt betrayed."

What are your children to say?: "Hey, Mom. You're f*cking us over. Stop."

Perhaps your ex is trying to tell you to get your shizz together and quit embarrassing his family's name. There's a thought.

Stealing from your kids? That's the lowest of low.

#StankyRankThief

#2 MAMA JUNE

This is proof why the revenge diet sucks. One should be focused on making improvements for oneself, not to "get back" at the person who dumped you. Because unless you realize that the changes you make are permanent, lifestyle changes for your betterment-- you're just going to regress.

Everyone made a big ol' deal about how the reality TV star lost a bunch of weight. At her heaviest, she tipped the scales at 460 pounds. She then got surgery, exercised and dieted, and ended up a size four. But that didn't last long. She admits to gaining 50 pounds back, and is now resting at 200 pounds.

"You've got to love yourself no matter who you are. I was 350 pounds to 150 pounds and now I'm back up to 200 pounds. People just need to learn to love who they are."

#True, but... if you are unhealthy and constantly putting your body through drastic changes, and it looks like you ate the skinnier version of yourself, your love of self is just a way to justify your lifestyle. If this all weren't insidious enough... this:

Mama said she gained back her weight because she's blind in her right eye, got a bunch of surgeries for it, and....

#NiceTry.

#1 ASIA ARGENTO

Perhaps those that shout the loudest are actually the most guilty.

The asstress was the first to accuse Harvey Weinstein of sexual assault. And now, guess who's being accused of assaulting an underage male? Yup.

Here's the deets:

Jimmy Bennett has accused Asia of sexually assaulting him in a room at The Ritz-Carlton in Marina del Rey in 2013--a mere two months after his 17th birthday. She was 37. Bennett claimed she gave him alcohol, kissed him, played a symphony on his skin flute, then bumped uglies. First of all, vurp. Dude was 17. Second of all, the two starred in a movie back in 2004 when he was a little boy. Pedo-fantasy much?

After the encounter, she posted an Instagram photo:

"Happiest day of my life reuniong with @jimmymbennett. xox."

Bennett later asked for $3.5 million in damages for emotional distress, lost wages, assault and battery.

She did pay him off, kind of. She claims her dead boyfriend, Anthony Bourdain, made the payment to make him go away.

While it's true in some cases people are looking for a pay day, Bennett was a child in the eyes of the law when you decided you needed some wang.

I hope she doesn't try to use the "learned behavior" excuse. Oh, and how convenient to blame your dead boyfriend. Must've been true love for you, right. Piss farm.

#PotandKettleMeet

Pound-Her-Rosa

8/17/2018

Offenders for the week ending August 17, 2018:

#3 ISAIAH THOMAS

Somebody is letting his inner douche flag fly high. The Denver Nuggets "star" went live on the Insta naming all the cities he's played for and what he thought about them. He said he totally understands why Lebron left Cleveland, because:

"Cleveland was a sh*thole."

Like your mouth? Well, he recanted:

"Cleveland wasn't that bad... Cleveland was actually cool, it was all right. The situation wasn't the best..."

Cry me a river. You got to play ball with LeBron. Get. Over. It.

Isaiah who?

#2 KANYE WEST

He definitely has his own special brand of loco going on. In his latest track, "XTCY," Kanye shares his desire to "smash" his SILs. Not "bash" or "hit," unless those words also convey the desire to bump uglies:

"You got sick thoughts? I got more of 'em/You got a sister-in-law you would smash? I got four of them."

Vurp.

I'm sure the gals are okay with this? Your WIFE? I mean, recognizing your relatives are attractive is one thing. Feeling (in your loins) that a relative is "bangable" is, well, vomitous.

FYI: You're gonna get BPA poisoning with all those plastic vageens.

#1 OMAROSA

I've always believed this ass skank was one of the most vile creatures on this planet. And she proves me correct again with her latest stunt. I really don't know why this ball beater was ever hired to work at the White House, but that's not the gist of this analysis.

This reality TV show hack worked for 11-months within the most prestigious home in the world, was fired, then decided to write a book chronicling the "truths" of the Trump White House. She made the TV show rounds to pimp her slut, playing secret recordings and making all kinds of claims. Just like everyone else making claims.

Aside: if the President is a known racist, why would you-- of a non-white heritage-- want to work for someone who allegedly loathes you?

So sorry your book isn't a best-seller-- not. I think it's because people can see through your big ol' shade tree for the actual truth-- you got your shizz together enough to get hired, with the intent on slithering in like a snake, eating bodies whole, to gather "intel" for your let's-turn-this-book-into-a-movie-product-tv-show-moneymaker.

#FAIL

I disagree with the President calling you a dog. Because dogs are loving and loyal. You're just a psycho opportunistic assh&le.

Girl, bye!

UpChuck

8/8/2018

Offenders. Offenders for this shortened week:

#3 ANGELINA JOLIE

How many years now have Angie and Brad Pitt been getting divorced? Things are down-dirty nasty. Apparently Angie is so bent, she wants to kill any relationship Brad has with the kids.

"She's fueled with anger and has gotten ridiculously unreasonable."

Famous celeb-split lawyer Laura Wasser has had enough. Even this bulldog can't take the shizz anymore. I'm sure this is great for their kids. Not. There have been allegations of alcohol abuse and child abuse-- against Brad. No matter what the issues are between adults, if the children are loved and cared for by both parents-- don't try to taint their opinions or get in the way of that relationship. Act grown!

Girl, you need to get over the anger. Go drink someone's blood and kiss your bro. Maybe you'll feel better.

#2 SAMANTHA MARKLE

This family is just so repulsive. The halfwit sister-to-Meghan has bigmouthitis like her daddy does. She just had to put her dirty-butt two cents in when Elle UK published an article that suggested Meghan and Prince Harry were considering life away from the spotlight:

"OK so Cruella de Vil is retreating LOL. Let me know how that works out for you. @KensingtonRoyal."

In the months leading up to the royal wedding, this bloated bitch-bag has been spreading her vitriol for a fat payday:

"Let's face it, we all have to survive. Money makes the world go round, so if you want to call that cashing in, that's fine."

Regardless if what you're saying is the truth...

Your obvious jealousy is sad. We know you're upset because you're fugly-- with a face that resembles stepped-in elephant dung.

#1 CHARLIE SHEEN

Cue "the world's smallest violin"-- Chuck is broke! Waaaaaaa! He's petitioning the court to have his child support payments modified because the money is done gone. He has two children with Denise Richards, and two with Brooke Mueller. Since 2016, he's been paying $50,000 a month to Brooke, and $20,000 a month to Denise. In addition, he hands over 9.5% of his gross annual income which amounts to $2.1 million. Damn!

But his financial woes aren't his fault:

"I have been unable to find steady work, and have been blacklisted from many aspects of the entertainment industry."

Perhaps that is indeed the case. But you have yourself to blame. Remember all those hookers and all that blow? Remember your tiger blood and "winning"? Then there's your entire battle with "Two and a Half Men" creator Chuck Lorre... in which you had these lovely things to say about him:

"He's the most miserable f*cking douchebag. The most talentless f*cksack of sh*t of f*cking stupid this side of La Brea."

I don't think you'll find that on any Hallmark card...

You're unemployable because you're a hot-mess-psychopath. Whatever talent you may have is overshadowed by your volumes of bullsh*t. Maybe if you hadn't snorted most of Colombia's gross national product, you might have some money left over.

Push It Real Bad

7/27/2018

Offenders for the week ending July 27, 2018:

It's rare when the Slap is dedicated to just one fool. But the mood has struck, therefore...

#3, #2 & #1 BRYAN ABRAMS of Color Me Badd

We remember those dudes! They had a couple of hits last century. So I was so happy they made the news, and then sad because they made the news due to douchebaggery.

Last week, the group performed at a casino in upstate New York. It was going so well until Bryan Abrams shoved band bro Mark Calderon to the ground during the encore. See, Bryan was having voice issues (alcoholism, supposedly) and had left the stage. Say what?

"All of a sudden he shoves me and blindsides me and I'm on the ground..."

A witness said Abrams shouted during his assault:

"I'm motherf*cking Color Me Badd!"

Uhm, okay. You were never NSYNC or Backstreet Boys... or even Another Bad Creation or 3T! Check yo self.

The only thing you've got down, Mr. Ball Zit is the "bad" part.

Anywho, Calderon was treated for neck and back pain. And Abratt faces charges.

Maybe Bryan is upset that he got fat and drunk and stupid? Congrats on your future workin'-that-drive-thru gig!

P.S. Should we rename "I Wanna Sex You Up" to "I Wanna F*ck You Up"?