Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

F&ck Face

10/26/2018

Offenders for the week ending October 26, 2018:

#3 GWYNETH PALTROW

Gwynie is all kinds of mad at Julia Roberts because her buddy remains friends with her ex-husband, Chris Martin. What!?!? I thought since the two of you "consciously uncoupled" that everything was coolio between you two. Guess not.

"Julia was at Gwyneth's engagement party but missed her wedding and then showed up at the party Chris and Dakota (Johnson, his girlfriend) were throwing instead... it's been difficult for their mutual pals to stay friends with them both."

Are you mentally stuck in grade school? You're supposed to be this evolved, all-knowing entity, spewing all your wisdom on your Goop website. Blah, blah, blah. Time to stomp your feet; throw yourself on the floor; flail your arms and kick your legs and crrrrryyyyyy.

"Gwyneth isn't Dakota's biggest fan and Brad (Falchuk, Gwyn's new hubby) didn't want Chris at their wedding celebrations, so Gwyneth isn't happy to see Julia hanging out with her ex."

Maybe Julia came to her senses and realized what a tit donkey you really are...

Oh, and get over the Dakota thing. Yes, she's younger than you. It's what men do. My ex married a chick 13 years his junior. I'm happy for him. Cuz now she can wipe his old ass instead of me.

#winning

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#2 KHLOE KARDASHIAN

Kryptic Khloe is posting more relationship quotes on the social medias.

"Free yourself from negative people. Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven and likeminded. Relationships should help you, not hurt you."

There's more...

"Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. When you free yourself from negative people, you free yourself to be YOU-- and being YOU is the only way to truly live."

And she wants to move to the CLE during the NBA season so her baby daddy Tristan can spend time with her and their daughter. Sigh. Stop with the passive-aggressive shizz and just get aggressive on Tristan. He deserves it. Kick him and his wandering wangthang out on his bum!

Here's something I wrote for you:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Kick him in the head
Or ya gonna get screwed... again

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#1 MEGYN KELLY

Why is she even still on TV? Well, she was a no-show for her show the other day, after she stepped in it... again. Where ya balls at now? Full retreat mode, is it? Maybe this will finally put an end to our misery, and her ratings-zapper of a show. Her latest guffaw? Not understanding why blackface is racist.

She said that when she was a child, it was okay to dress in blackface and "white face" for Halloween:

"... you were dressing like a character."

While that may be true, it's no longer something you can do without stirring the pot. There are many things we said and did as young folk that you just can't say and do now. Plus, she used Real Housewives of New York cast member Luann de Lesseps as an example of how it's cool. This past season, Luann dressed as Diana Ross-- in blackface.

"The iconic Diana Ross came up as an example. To me, I thought, why would it be controversial for someone dressing up as Diana Ross to make herself look like this amazing woman as a way of honoring and respecting her.?"

Ima have to call b.s on this rationale. And please-- enough with the ass-kissing. Diana gives zero effs about you, Meghole.

In a letter of apology to her colleagues and staff members, she said she's really sorry and didn't realize how un-p.c. blackface is because she herself is not politically correct.

Guess what, wenchbag? I'm not p.c. either, but I have the sense to not act a fool. You're a highly, overly-paid journalist, no? Do some research and get back to us.

#goaway

*update Meg is out at NBC. Thank you, sweet baby Jesus...

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Holy Groper

9/7/2018

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Offenders for the week ending September 7, 2018:

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#3 WILLIAM SHATNER

Why, Hold....A...................Grudge? In the pop culture icon's new book, he tells how he has no idea still why he a Leonard Nimoy fell out way back in 1995. Nimoy died in 2015, and Mr. TJ Hooker was slammed by fans for not attending the funeral.

"I loved Leonard, and he used to refer to me as his brother. Yet at the end of his life and for reasons I still don't know, he was not my friend. He died and I didn't feel welcome at his funeral."

Here's a thought: you should've been the bigger person. So he didn't return your calls. Did you know where he lived? Did you reach out to mutual friends, to family? Sigh.

As every parent has said: "This (slap) is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you." Oh, Shat...

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#2 KHLOE KARDASHIAN

Girl, what in the AF are you thinking? Marrying that cheatin' man of yours? Please. Don't. Tristan and Khloe are talking about getting engaged!

"Khoe and Tristan are doing better than anyone could have expected."

Really. So they're talking "engagement." What about marriage? You know, that thing that's supposed to be about forever. And... did you disinfect his ding donger?

"Tristan has promised Khloe he will never betray her again. She believes him."

Was that a pinky promise? Because those can never be broken. I'm sure he's a man of his word. Bwaaa haaa haaa! Unless you put a padlock on his package, who knows what trollop he's gonna hop on when he's on the road. Just thank him for being your sperm donor and get!

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#1 BISHOP CHARLES ELLIS THE THIRD

Grief makes people do inappropriate things, apparently. That's the excuse for grabbing Ariana Grande's boobala during Aretha Franklin's televised funeral-- right? Grief? More like good grief, Fart Munch, Then to make matters worse, he cracked some ridiculous joke to deflect and to apologize:

"Maybe I crossed the border, maybe I was too friendly."

WTF? Crossed the border? Like, "crossed the line". Or were you really wanting to travel "south of the border", wink wink. Too friendly? Uh, too "molestor-y" actually. By the way, he honked the hooter THREE TIMES. Three! To make matters even more mortifying, Slick Willie Clinton was looking poor Ariana up and down like she was a plate of biscuits and gravy. Hurl.

Maybe Bishop Beatoff he was invoking the Ernest Angley Method of Health Diagnosis through man-handling genitalia. Perhaps he was getting a jump-start on Breast Cancer Awareness month and was preforming a rudimentary mammogram. Or better yet, perhaps he's just the Reverend Douchebag.

Either way, you're going to Hell.

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She Wrong

5/18/2018

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Offenders for the week ending May 18, 2018:

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#3 KENDRA WILKINSON

The Playboy Playmate and reality TV star has finally left her husband of nine years, Hank Baskett. The ups-and-downs of their relationship, and his cheating on her with a transvestite was chronicled on Kendra on Top. What would be your first concern after a breakup? The care of the children? Where to live? Well, with Kspot-- it's all about her... needs... which she asked her fans about on social media.

"What's your opinion... do I start dating/sex now or give myself more time? My heart is broken but I have needs. Lmaooooo"

I think she's more "twatbroken" than anything else. Anywho, she only filed for divorce last month.

Let that thang breathe, girl. The Hank Stank ain't even out of there yet and you want to invite another depositor? Gross.

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#2 DORINDA MEDLEY & LUANN DE LESSEPS

I get keeping up with the joneses, but this is sad. These two Real Housewives of New York City cast members are fighting over who the biggest drunk is. For real. Because that's a crown we all want to wear. The show has chronicled Dorinda's growing affection for alcohol. This chick is all-or-nothing when it comes to the libations. Like, slur-your-words-that-you-need-subtitles-fight-your-grandma-drunk. A recent episode features a drunk and belligerent Dorinda embarrassing herself in front of some VIPs. Eek. So, fellow boozer and cop-assaulter Luann thought she'd call her out for her misbehavior. Dorinda flamed back:

"Dear @CountessLuann are we to take advice from a pal who got so wasted she punched her then husband in the middle of restaurant, followed by assaulting a law enforcement officer? Then jail? You almost gotta love the complete lack of self awareness."

Well, at least the Countess went to rehab while you're still in denial. Why don't the two of you just drunkenly kiss and make out and become bottle besties.

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#1 KHLOE KARDASHIAN

A man cheats on you. Very publicly. While you're pregnant with his baby. What would you do? Take him back, of course! Despite the speculation that her baby-daddy-bf Tristan Thompson "drove the lane" with five different women, Khloe is standing by her man. And she made that very public on social media:

"It's all about who you look for in a crowded room. That's where your heart belongs to."

That's sweet. Well, your heart belongs to him, but his wang belongs to every "taco truck" out there.

Meanwhile, the Khardasian Klan is less-than-pleased with Khloe. They don't support her decision and haven't visited her in Cleveland in weeks. I ethically can't side with the Kardashians, but I must say-- open your eyes (not thighs), girlfriend. You may think you're doing what's best for your family, but this pair of c*ck lips has another child with another lady. Don't think keeping him close is gonna spark some devotion.

And, if your Kardashian Kurse ruins the playoff run of our beloved Cavaliers... I'll buy your ticket and pack your funbags for you!

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That Other Pink Thing Is Your Brain...

4/13/2018

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Offenders for the week ending April 13, 2018:

"Yah, Yah, Yah, I am Lorde..."

#3 LORDE

In our first glowing example of needing to use one's brain... Lorde posted an Instagram pic with the title "day off" with her awaiting bathtub and the caption:

"And iiiii will always love you"

Oh no, you din't! Lorde's fans were less-than-pleased with her obvious Whitney Houston death reference. In case you've forgotten, Whitney was found dead in a hotel room tub in February 2012. She suffered complications from heart disease and long-term cocaine usage and accidentally drowned.

Lorde is sorry, though:

"Extremely poorly chosen quote. I'm so sorry for offending anyone-- I hand't even put this together I was just excited to take a bath."

Girl, you wish you could sing like Whitney and have even a fraction of the career she had. Your singing sounds like a grouchy vagina in heat.

"Hay, Girlz. I'm comin' for ya!"

#2 TRISTAN THOMPSON (& KHLOE KARDASHIAN)

In our second example of upper-pink-failure... We all know you're a baller, but you don't need to show your balls off to every magic box walking around. Yes, you have money and fame and all the ladies want you. Or more like your baby for the pay day. If these fellas would actually use their brains, they'd be covert in their philandering ways-- not in NYC mackin' on an Instagram model who's looking for 20 minutes of fame. Sigh. He's been caught in video, in photos, and tawdry texts were spilled all over the internets.

Khloe K just gave birth to your baby. And speaking of Khloe-- girl, please. You've never heard the saying:

"If he'll cheat with you, he will cheat on you"

Maybe she was just looking for a donor, and maybe he was just trying to help wayward skanks. You know, give 'em a leg up...

So help us if your dramz infects the CAVS during the playoffs. Grrrrrr!

#1 TONY ROBBINS

Our primo example of thinking before speaking... This sham of a life coach needs some coaching of his own. He was recently caught on video slamming the #MeToo movement, saying women are just trying to gain significance:

"If you use the #MeToo movement to try to get significance and certainty by attacking and destroying someone else, all you've done is basically use a drug called significance to make yourself feel good."

Sure. It feels good to speak up about sexual extortion or abuse. Glad you are here to show us the way, queef fondler.

A woman in the audience challenged Robbins, but was cut off. Then, he said that men are afraid of hiring attractive women because of the movement. Yup. We've been waiting for this precise moment in our history to exact our revenge because not all of us want to touch random penises.

But he's sorry:

"Sometimes, the teacher has to become the student and it is clear that I still have much to learn. I teach that 'life happens for you, not to you' and what I've realized is that while I've dedicated my life to working with victims of abuse all over the world, I need to get connected to the brave women of #MeToo."

Kudos on your beautifully-contrived-not-heartfelt-statement from your PR department.

Here's a little somethin' for ya:

#MotivateThis #UndercoverSexist #ThisPinkWillKickYourPinkNubbinCleanOff

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

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A Lady, A Tramp, and A Momma...

5/29/2015

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Offenders for the week of May 25, 2015:

*This week's slapees will be treated to advice in the form of couplets..

"I'll look okay hairless..." "Wanna look like this, Lady?"

#3 LADY GAGA
OFFENSE: Slave to vanity
The 21st century Madonna took to Instagram to post her pain. What pain is that? The pain of dyeing her hair. Going from a dark brunette to a platinum blonde has taken its toll on her locks. Why don't you stick to your own mantra of: "Baby, I was born this way"? If you're not careful, you're gonna wake up bald. I've lived the whole 'beauty is pain' thing. But please... wear a damn wig-- like you usually do. On the bright side-- at least you're back in the spotlight since you haven't had a hit song since when?

Here's some advice:
When you bleach too much, it goes awry
So please don't bleach your "Southern Pie".

"I'm the smartest person I know!"

#2 KHLOE KARDASHIAN
OFFENSE: Dumbass
She's currently in Dubai-- and she's stirrin' things up. She donned a niqab and hijab-- which are garments worn by women in the Muslim community to cover their head and face. She then had to snap a social media pic with the caption:

"Habibi Love"

Uhmmm... that outraged a lot of people. Hey, Khloe-- those items aren't really fashion accessories. There's a lot of symbolism and controversy surrounding them. Please attempt to educate yourself so you won't enrage others. Or is that too difficult since it requires a brain to think?

Here's some advice:
It's unwise to say things on the whim
Even for you-- a big, scary "shim".

"If TLC were a pie, I would eat it!"

#1 MAMA JUNE
OFFENSE: Hypocrite
Feeling the need to put her two tons in, the former reality TV star decided to give her opinion about TLC amidst the Duggar molestation scandal. She's threatening to sue the network if it doesn't cancel "19 Kids and Counting" because her show was canceled last October following reports she was dating a convicted child molestor-- a man accused of abusing one of her own daughters! Yes, you may be right. A double standard may exist with the network, but a lawsuit? You don't have a ham hock to stand on.

How 'bout you get your own matters in order?

Here's some advice:
One should not be a thrower of stones
When you're jumpin' on a pedophile's "bone".

PHOTO CREDIT:
Mama June: https://www.flickr.com/photos/lwpkommunikacio/
Khloe Kardashian: https://www.flickr.com/photos/evarinaldiphotography/
Lady Gaga: https://www.flickr.com/photos/hotgossipitalia/

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F&ck Face

Holy Groper

She Wrong

That Other Pink Thing Is Your Brain...

A Lady, A Tramp, and A Momma...

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