Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

Dad. Joke.

12/3/2021

Offender for the week ending December 3rd, 2021:

#3 WILL SMITH

For whatever reason, I'm no longer Team Will. And I don't know why... maybe I sensed this story and that's a part of it? Anywho, Willie is on blast- thanks to comedian Langston Kerman. But why, you may wonder... for Will's silly dad jokes that he posts on the IG. Guess the jokes aren't Will's. In fact, he supposedly hires other comics to write the jokes, then makes them sign NDAs. Langston said:

"I know so many comedians who had to sign NDAs to help Will Smith write silly dad jokes for Instagram, and now this n*gga is out here talking about throwing up from p*ssy poisoning. Rich people are wild."

If you're scratching your head over this reference, Will just released an autobiography in which he admitted that he had sex with so many women that he developed a "psychosomatic reaction" to reaching the Big O, saying:

"It would literally make me gag and sometimes even vomit."

Well, some women have bat caves that are musty...

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#2 KATIE THURSTON, Reality TV Star/The Bachelorette

It's so amusing that people think they can find true love on a reality TV show. Love is hard (so to speak) to find IRL. But Katie gave the college try and found her fiancée Blake. For a hot minute. Cuz she done moved on to another bachelor from the same season, John Hersey. Who she sent home in week two. But they remained friends, and now are a thing. And Blake didn't see it coming:

“I really don’t think there was any physical cheating there, but there [was] clearly emotional [cheating] for it to transition as quickly as it did. I feel stupid and foolish for allowing it to happen, to some degree... I know they spent a lot of time together and stuff but there's just no way. I never had an inkling. I am just a very secure guy and I give my trust out 100 percent, especially to the person who I should be trusting the most."

Those Reality Steve rumors that Katie was spotted at the bar that John tends were true. Perhaps he was tending her hair bar, too. We'll see how long this one lasts. Because after watching the episode where we met Katie's mom and aunt, Blake is better off. Those two ladies are def men-haters. I imagined the duo going on a dick-ripping-off spree and making a big weenie roast.

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#1 AARON CARTER

This dude defines messy. Like, look up the phrase "shit show" in the dictionary. His picture is there. At least in our dictionary it would be. He and his fiancée, Melanie Martin, have called it quits. Oh... she just gave birth to their son. A week ago. But she had it coming because she talked to Aaron's family-- whom he's estranged. Per Hot Mess Aaron:

“There has been a very big lie and my sister communicating w my ex fiancé [SIC] ruined everything considering she knew what angel tried to do to me in court thanks angel (Aaron's twin) you ruined my family. God bless... I have the most conniving deceiving family and Melanie has been lying to me the whole time communicating with my twin sister and the family members who tried to put me in prison and who tried to get a conservatorship on me in court."

Did you get all that? And... Melanie is supposedly taking their son, named Prince, to Vegas. Not to play the slots, though that wouldn't shock me, but to live-- sans Aaron.

But remember, he's not crazy. I've met him before. Perhaps he's just a skosh cray. Or a dump truck full...

Wild Thing

10/8/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offender for the week ending October 8, 2021:

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#3 CLARE CRAWLEY & DALE MOSS

This is why reality TV has ruined everything. Because we take "normal" people, give them a platform, and revel in their dysfunction. Clare and Dale would be two people we'd steer away from IRL because of their drama, but now? We're down with the mess because we realize their "celebrity" makes them no better than the rest of us with "situations".

These two have been on-again, off-again since Clare blew up Bachelor Nation by leaving her season of the Bachelorette a week in because she found "the one" with Dale. Apparently, he enjoys sharing his "one thing" with other ladies-- and they're done for good. For now. Clare has accused Dale of not being there for her as her mother is dying, for being a publicity hound, and for hooking-up with fellow Bachelor Nation member Abigail Herenger.

Abigail confirmed the encounter with Dale, but was under the presumption that things weren't serious between Dale and Clare. Girl, you're not the first one to ever hear that tale. So, we'll spare you the slap hand. Meanwhile, Dale and Clare-- brace yourselves. You two need to quit each other for good and move on. You don't want the same things and you can't bend another to your will. That's for you, Clare. Dale-- slink away and stop pretending to be a good guy.

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#2 GWYNETH PALTROW

I had hoped she had disappeared, but she's baaaaack, with some other bullsh&t product that we don't need and that she's not qualified to sell: a female libido enhancer. Called DTF. Yes, DTF stands for exactly what it stands for on the streets: Down To F&ck.

While I will give her kudos for catchy product names, there is no way in hell anybody should be buying her overpriced shizz. Seriously. Buy overpriced stuff from someplace else. Anywho, perhaps she was feeling not-so-frisky herself, and therefore felt she would give women a product they can't get anywhere else (but can):

"Everyday stress and anxiety, hormonal changes, exhaustion, age... these can impact our libido and sexual health. So yes, we (with our science and research team) created a supplement that REALLY helps."

DTF contains Libifem fenugreek and shatavari (which sounds like somebody swearing at us) to get things...flowing... while improving mood.

Look, B. Women have wine for all of that. And maybe some women need to consciously uncouple from the "D" for a hot minute.

Don't you have a vageen to steam?

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#1 CHARLIE SHEEN

He's so likable as an actor, so loathe-able as a person. And he's such a complete d*ck because he
can-- especially to those that have put up with his b.s. over the decades. The guy that brought tiger blood and #winning into our vernacular can't stop torturing ex-wife Denise Richards. His drug use and wandering wang tore their marriage apart, but she remained amenable and available for the sake of their kids-- who have now turned on her, thanks to Charlie. She even helped raise his children with his second ex-wife so the children would bond and get to know each other better!

Daughter Sam has decided to move in with daddy because she can't tolerate the rules in Denise's house. And even though Charlie is supposedly behind in child support, payments for Sam have been stopped. So, Denise will have to go to court for that. Charlie is playing "good cop" to Denise's supposed "bad cop":

"Everything's a big party. (at Charlie's house). He plays this game with the kids. (sweetening them up) with ice cream and movies and staying up late."

What's next? Mutual drug use. You're quickly becoming a primo POS.

Charlie Sheen
You're so mean
You have a tiny ween
So small it can't be seen
And what's there is probably unclean

Goober

11/13/2020

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending November 13th, 2020:

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#3 LARSA PIPPEN

The ex-wife of former NBA legend Scottie Pippen is back in the spotlight after spilling her own tea on her own messy sitch with the Kardashian sisters. Guess Larsa used to be Kim's bestie, and now the entire family doesn't speak to her. And it's all Kanye's fault:

"Maybe because I blocked him on my phone because I couldn't bear taking his calls anymore... So, he turned that into, 'Oh, she's this and she's that.' They all started to ride his wave. If you're that easily swayed, like the wind, then do I really give a f&ck? Should I give a f&ck?"

Apparently you give two f&cks, because you're talking publicly about it. Then, in your little podcast confessional you said how you've been through so much with the family and you will always love them. Blah, blah, blah, and you feel like one day you can all reconcile. Methinks you opening your trap (and perhaps your legs to Khloe's on-again-off-again meat deliverer, Tristan Thompson) isn't the way to get back in there.

A phone call or good ol' fashioned letter might be more appropriate. Or better yet, take your skank ass back to Hoe Town and let it go...

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#2 CLARE CRAWLEY, former title "character" from The Bachelorette

As predicted, Clare has left her season of the reality TV show-- 4 episodes in. Because she fell in love with former NFL wide receiver Dale Moss in 4 seconds. Literally. The moment he stepped out of the limo to meet her she said he was her future husband. Yes, the two are engaged and now shopping for bi-costal homes. And of course, there are babies in the future!

What?

She is on the warp-speed path now that she's got a man on lockdown. In one of the most uncomfortable moments from this week's show, host Chris Harrison checked in with the couple and asked what was next for them. Clare quickly, and manically shouted out: "BABIES!" And then, there was silence. From Dale. And the viewing audience. We get it, Clare. You were the oldest Bachelorette at 39 and that damned bio clock is ticking loudly. But you need better game. At least play an under-the-radar-psycho and put holes in the condoms.

Run Dale. You've got skills. I was all #TeamClare, but now I'm afraid for you.

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#1 JEFFREY TOOBIN

If you recall, the writer for The New Yorker was suspended three weeks ago after he was caught opining-- actually, o-penising-- on camera during a Zoom meeting with co-workers. Yup. He was handling his Oscar Mayer. It's not that he meant to choke the chicken on camera. See, he thought he had turned it off, but... Seriously, dude. Are you a stupid, pimply teenage boy that can't wait until your meeting is over to put in your piece for the New Yanker? What inspired you during this meeting? One of your co-workers? Vurp. Anywho, Goobin and his employer have consciously uncoupled:

"I was fired today after 27 years as a Staff Writer. I will always love the magazine, will miss my colleagues, and will look forward to reading their work."

I'm sure you'll be jerkin' the gherkin while "reading their work." Seems he was trying to stroke some sympathy with his social media post. Let's see who feels sorry for this jerk (off).................................................................................................No one.

You know people are gonna forever yell "hand check" at you, don't you?

LaNo!

10/30/2020

Let's raise our slap hands and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending October 30, 2020:

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#3 SHIA LABEOUF (his actress GF Margaret Qualley, and her sister Rainey)

This trio of freaks are getting slapped (they'd probably like it) for being... creeptastic. Rainey is a musician filming a music video for her song "Love Me Like You Hate Me". Mmmmkay. Anywho, Margaret and Shia star in the video as a couple in a toxic relationship. And as people do in relationships, they do each other. Which required full-frontal for this video and choreographed sex scenes.

Fine. It's art, right? But the creep factor is that sister Rainey wants to see her sister get bango-ed by her schlong-slinger? And Margaret is cool with it? Methinks these two sisters are really close...

I. Can't.

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#2 YOSEF ABORADY, former contestant from The Bachelorette

The villain of this installment of the series has been shown the door. He may be the epitome of douchebaggery, and that's saying a lot since we are surrounded by douches in general. And it's not because of his behavior on the show, it's because it's no act. This guy reeks of asshole-ness. Reeks!

Carly Hammond shared with the world that Yosef DM-ed her after he got home from filming the show. They talked regularly, met in person, but she ended things. After a cooling-off period, she was ready to talk to him about what went wrong. But, before she had a chance, she received a Snapchat video of Yosef waxing the string bean and saying how he wanted to "eff" her. Oh-- the video was meant for someone else. But he sent it to Carly.

#Loser

But there's more, kids! Yosef realized his gaff, unfriended her and then lied and said his account logged out and did the unfriending. Sure. Then Carly blocked him on the 'Chat, but he still stalks her through a social media account he started-- for his dog.

So. Lame.

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#1 LILY JAMES

Some woman are just dirty hoes. Lily is one of them.

Her affair with married actor Dominic West wasn't her first foray into matrimonial man meat. A new story says she was the one who broke up Armie Hammer's marriage. Armie's wife, Elizabeth Chambers, discovered texts from a mystery woman on his phone. At the time, he was filming a movie with Lily. The texts were signed "Adeline"-- the name given to Lily on the film's call sheet. Needless to say, wifey was crushed. But, she went to couple's therapy with Armie-- and they planned to renew their vows. That's until Elizabeth received a salacious text from a strange phone number.

Seems that Rated NC 17 text was intended for Armie. Or was it? Why would Lily have Elizabeth's number-- unless she wanted "caught" and wanted to steal some Armie Hammer time? What a complete dumpster.

Guys are not the brightest. Dick thinking gets them in so much trouble. But Lily seems to target dumb dick thinkers, so... shame, shame. Or maybe her vajeen emits some sort of potion that knocks the sense out of grown men.

Probs not. Most likely it's just a scent of... sourdough. You know how men love bread!

#Yeasty

The Wang That Got Away

9/11/2020

Offenders for the week ending September 11, 2020:

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#3 NAOMI CAMPBELL

Gifts are one thing. Loans are something different. So, when someone lends you money, you need to pay it back. But Mizz Brokedown Diva doesn't embrace that concept. People want their money back. Even ex-lovers. Billionaire businessman Vladislav Doronin has filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against Naomi because she refuses to pay back money he loaned her. And... she still has some of his stuff that's worth more than $3 million.

Side note: What does she have of his that's worth this much? A Golden toothbrush? Chinchilla slippers? A rando yacht?

I'm sure she's gonna plead ignorance, since he lavished her with gifts and trips during their 5-year relationship. She reportedly dumped him because he was too caught up in her celebrity life. Surrreeee....Maybe the gift you gave him something itchy on his hang-low.

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#2 JANE FONDA

It's great if you're still enjoying the baloney pony well into your twilight years. But... we don't need to hear about it. Or follow you down memory lane as you revisit your times in Schlongsville. Yeah, that means you, Jane Fonda. During an interview with The New York Times, she denied that Argentine revolutionary Che Guevara was "the one that got away" sexually. Gag. Her actual deepest regret?

Marvin Gaye

You know, Mr. Sexual Healing. She said:

"He wanted to and I didn't."

Because she was married at the time. Kudos for having somewhat of a moral compass, though I'll never forgive you protesting our soldiers who fought in Vietnam. Bitch. Anwyho... this final crusty nugget:

Nobody wants to even imagine your DAP (Dusty Ass P&ssy). Bye!

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#1 JUAN PABLO, former The Bachelor bachelor

Never having watched his season, but hearing all about him-- I completely understand why he's considered the franchise's biggest villain. He's the entire bag of small, sweaty dicks. He had to take to social media to slam the promo for Clare Crawley's season of The Bachelorette because it features footage from his season. The season in which Clare sprouted a pair and put this douchebag back in the Summer's Eve box.

"Interesting PROMO of @Clare_Crawley and the season of@BacheloretteABC, 6 years LATER and I know WHO is the Juan that can't get OVER Juan...Would LOVE if you take a GUESS? P.S: Clare got over LONG time ago, just in CASE."

WTF is this tweet with all the rando ALL CAPS!?!?!?

Lemme translate: Juan Pricko thinks Clare is still in love with him. BWAAAA HAAAAA HAAAAA! She told you to sit down after you told her that you didn't love her, but loved "f&cking her". So, she walked away from the show as one of the finalists because you're a dirty Juan.

Mic drop.

Quaranweenie

3/20/2020

Offenders for the week ending March 20, 2020:

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#3 TAMRA JUDGE, former Real Housewives of Orange County cast member

Grown people aren't necessarily grown-- as in mature. And Tamara has always been one to prove it. She took to social media (of course) to blast follow cast member and now former friend Shannon Beador for re-kindling a friendship with Kelly Dodd-- current cast member and perpetual nasty shade thrower.

"Fake friends are like a shadow. They follow you in the sun but leave you in the dark."

That was followed up with an unfollow of Shannon.

You're a grandmother. Not a high schooler. Mending fences is something we should try to do, right?

Perhaps you're angry that you were fired from the show, er, "decided to leave" the show. But Kelly and Shannon are still taking home that big paycheck... Hmmmm...

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#2 JUAN PABLO GALAVIS, former The Bachelor contestant

Proving you can't keep a dick down, Juan Pablo has opened his mouth to fit both of his feet into. He was known as the villain of the entire franchise (until Barb Weber took his crown), and he's proving why he earned that title and why he's a complete cooch donkey. He can't stop throwing shade at the new Bachelorette Clare Crawley-- the runner up on his season of The Bachelor.

Why? Because 22 of her potential suitors are in their 20s, and she's making headlines for being 38 and looking for love. He tweeted:

"I just SAW the GUYS for @Clare_Crawley Bachelorette season and its gonna be INTERESTING seeing HER get hit on by KIDS on their 20s. I think this MIGHT be the 3rd season Im gonna watch."

Clare responded: "And yet here you are, older than 99% of them and still can't practice compassion and kindness."

Ouch.

You're just upset that she told you what's-what on your season. Burn...

P.S. ABC is recruiting more age-appropriate fellas for Clare. Happy?

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#1 GWYNETH PALTROW

If you're gonna get COVID-19, you might as well look fresh and fab! Gwynie takin' heat for being "tone deaf" in the midst of this pandemic because GOOP just had to push their annual "fresh sneaker guide," while other lifestyle gurus (self-proclaimed like G or actual real ones) are trying to bestow upon us valuable information/tips/ideas. From her Instagram:

"Most days you'll find GP wearing G.Label with a pair of sneakers-- which is one reason we make it an annual tradition to put together a fresh sneaker guide each year. Get ready to cover some serious ground (run, don't walk.)"

Sigh. Can I get a roll of toilet paper with each shoe at least?

Perhaps your snazzy sneaks can get you into Wuhan. Seems like a good place for a GOOP-er to vacay...

Maybe her brain has been quarantined... permanently.

Designer Douche

6/22/2018

Offenders for the week ending June 22, 2018:

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#3 CONNOR OBROCHTA (From The Bachelorette)

It never ceases to amaze me how the human race is enthralled with "reality" TV. And it amazes me that The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise is STILL breathing, considering the lack of success rate in finding true love. Now, the only good part about the show (if there are any good parts) are the hot mess
suitors-- obviously only cast for the drama they cause and not for any desire to find lasting love. I honestly don't know who this Connor jerk-chunk is, but he's on the latest installment of the show, and he's talking a lot of smack. A. Lot.

Obrochta has gone public, telling fellow contestant Lincoln Adim that he'd better not show up to the taping of the "Tell All" episode-- or he's gonna get his butt kicked. The two have battled on the show, and Adim has a shady, sexual-assaulty past.

Thanks for being a Knight in Shining Armor and all that. But really, just zip it. Quit overcompensating for your inadequate fruit bowl.

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#2 JADA PINKETT SMITH

Ladies like to get a nip here, a tuck there, a bigger set up top... but the growing trend is to make sure everything is youthful. Every. Thing. The "taco" must be refreshed.

Now that she has her own Facebook TV show, Jada is droppin' all kinds of TMI, including deets about her new cooch. She's had three vaginal rejuvenation treatments to her nether regions:

"When I tell you my yoni is like a 16-year-old, I'm not kidding... I'm talking about the inside. It looks like a little beautiful peach."

Okay. Can I ask? Who is judging your cookie jar? I don't want to see it nor judge it! Even if your Continental Divide looks like it has Bell's Palsy... NO. And doctors agree there is no need for such a thing:

"The term 'vaginal rejuvenation' itself is problematic because most vaginas don't need to be rejuvenated."

And another thing. Your snatchadoodle is like a 16-year-old's?... which would be illegal for someone to touch.

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#1 STEFANO GABBANA

I hate most designers. Why? Because their crapture is something no average person would ever wear. Or even celebs for that matter. And just because you're some fancy-schmancy designer doesn't mean you can throw shade. Plus, your're just suckling off the teet of your family name. A fashion Instagram account posted a picture collage of Selena Gomez wearing red. Stuffano outraged the fans of Selena Gomez by snarking:

"She's so ugly!!!"

Actor Tommy Dorfman, who stars in the Netflix show "13 Reasons Why" (which Selena is executive producer) defended S:

"@stefanogabbana you're tired and over. your homophobic, misogynistic, body-shaming existence will not thrive in 2018... it is no longer tolerable or chic. please take many seats."

Have you looked in a mirror you meat waffle? Seriously. You look like a Forrest Gump reject. Just because you're from a family of fashion, does not make you a fashionista. Nor does it make you a human being. Not only is it entirely rude to be so hateful, but this is a young woman who has struggled with body image issues thanks to toolbags like you.

So basically, STFU.

It's All About The Race, 'Bout The Race...

8/25/2017

Offenders for the week ending August 25, 2017:

"So, there's Scientology..."

#3 LEAH REMINI

Instead of Maverick, perhaps Tom Cruise's Top Gun character should've been named "Diabolic". Leah's spillin' the tea on Tommy-boy! In a recent interview she said this:

"There is a public persona of the guy who looks at you directly in the eye and shakes your hand and hugs you... and there's the person behind the mask who is a completely different person...But the people who are around Tom and work for Tom-- not even people who are Scientologists-- they will say he is diabolical."

Oh, snap!

He's more than the Poster Boy for Scientology-- he's the mother-lovin' Devil himself!!! I knew it!!!!

Gurrrrl, I hope you have a good security team. You're getting slapped not out of anger, but because you need to wake up! Exposing the truth about this robot is gonna get you "disappeared," if you know what I mean!

"I need to STFU..."

#2 KIM KARDASHIAN

Rumor has it that Kelly Ripa and Ryan Seacrest aren't all hearts-and-puppy-dog-kisses on "LIVE with Kelly and Ryan." He wants to move the show to L.A. and she ain't havin' it. So while Kelly is away on vacay, Kim Kardashian is filling in. And now, Kim wants to take over permanently because she's tired of reality TV-- and she would be really good at hosting! And what a coincidence-- Ryan is the executive producer of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" and the two are friends, and he likes to have his ass kissed-- how perfect!

Uh.... no! Granted, LIVE isn't a bastion of journalism (not that much is anymore), but she doesn't strike me as someone remotely qualified. Practicing in front of a mirror with your hair brush as a pretend microphone does not make you a reporter or TV host in the real world-- where most of us live.

Perhaps she thought the job was for a TV ho-st... which she might be an expert?

That about sums things up...

#1 DEMARIO JACKSON

For a guy that's been so "wronged", he sure is getting a lot of publicity-- that he most likely orchestrated! "The Bachelorette" reject and "Bachelor in Paradise" reject is making the interview circuit crying racism. Why? In regards to his brief stint on "The Bachelorette," he claims Rachel (who is African American) is only into "white guys". Quote:

"From the beginning, you knew that she was attracted to white men. You knew that. No disrespect, you just knew. She had that vibe."

Okay. It had nothing to do with her finding out you had a girlfriend already....

Then, he said the only reason why his dalliance with Corinne on "Bachelor in Paradise" was a big deal is because he's black and she's white. Sigh...

Okay. It had nothing to do with you being face-planted in Corinne's cookie jar ON CAMERA.

Race isn't the issue. You're just an assh&le. And assh&les come in all shapes, sizes, races, and genders.

P.S. Is this manbitch trying to get a Kleenex endorsement? Stop with the tears, you ginormous pussy... cat!!!

PHOTO CREDIT:
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Dad. Joke.

Wild Thing

Goober

LaNo!

The Wang That Got Away

Quaranweenie

Designer Douche

It's All About The Race, 'Bout The Race...

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