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Rancid, Rotund & Ra-volting...

2/26/2015

 
Offenders for the week of February 23, 2015:
#3 GIULIANA RANCIC
OFFENSE: Offensive!

Haven't heard a peep from her, and she's made the list for the second time in three weeks! First, she got her diva panties in a bunch because she felt threatened by Maria Menounos' presence at the E! Network. Now, she's totally flopped like a smelly, dead fish while commentating for the Fashion Police's Oscar special. She tore apart Disney star Zendaya's hair... Her dreadlocked hair. Giuliana said: 


                                       "I feel like she smells like patchouli oil... or maybe weed."


I'm sure it's better than what you smell like:  contempt and envy.  Zendaya was completely taken aback by the unwarranted criticism, but she graciously accepted Fool-iana's public apology.

I'm not sorry for what I'm gonna say, so here goes: Eat a ween; STFU; and as the kids are sayin' nowadays-- Bye, Felicia!

P.S. Read Zendaya's Twitter response below. Classy.
Picture

Picture
"Gimme, gimme, gimme!"
#2 MAMA JUNE
OFFENSE: Bad momma

Oh how the red-necky have fallen! Once so beloved and celebrated... Today, so banished and reviled. First, our favorite reality TV mommy was slammed for bumpin' uglies with a known child molester-- a vermin who molested one of her own daughters. Now, in a recent interview on "The Doctors", it's been revealed that her 9-year-old daughter Honey Boo Boo weighs 125 pounds! 125 pounds! I weigh 125 pounds and I'm 5'9"!


WTF!?!?

Boo Boo's Uncle Poodle has witnessed June Bug feeding Boo nothing but fast food--- including a 20-piece chicken nuggets that she gobbled down in a hot minute. In fact, June lets her meal ticket eat anything she wants. Which is not awesome. Way to grow an obese child who now is susceptible to a host of life-threatening illnesses.

But... some positives here:

1. At least Boo Boo won't get trapped in one of June's folds.

2. Perhaps Boo Boo can star in a Godzilla-like remake: "Here Comes Honey Boom Boom".

We can hope that you will burst like the pimple that you truly are!



Picture
"Wanna see my 'Vinnie Barbarino'?"
#1 JOHN TRAVOLTA
OFFENSE: Beyond creeptastic

The most disturbing "performance" from the Oscars was Travolta's molestation of Scarlett Johansson and Idina Menzel. On stage, he awkwardly cupped Idina's face; backstage, he puckered-up to Scar Jo-- who looked mortified. His rep is saying all that touchy feely uncomfortable-ness was planned. Yeah-- by him, but not by the ladies!



What gives? Are you trying to convince us that you really, really, totally like women? Are you trying to distract us from your awful wig and erase our knowledge that you prefer young, taut men? Or were you fantasizing that these women were a shirtless Justin Bieber? 


What's next? A Cosby-esque evening of "hot cocoa" and "hot cock-a-doodle"-don't?


And this spoof sketch you did about secreting enzymes and such? EWWWW!


On this day, I declare you: John RAVOLTA!













PHOTO CREDITS:

John Travolta: https://www.flickr.com/photos/lauraleedooley/
Honey Boo Boo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/lwpkommunikacio/
Giuliana Rancic: https://www.flickr.com/photos/shankbone/

Hoes & A Fro...

2/19/2015

 
Offenders for the week of February 16, 2015:
Picture
"Is there a brain in here?"
#3 AMBER ROSE
OFFENSE: Hypocrite?
For some reason, the model and baby momma of Wiz Khalifa decided to start a social media war with the Kardashian wenchbags. She tweeted to Khloe K.: "I'll be that lil whore to support by family like ur older sister is a whore 2 support hers. We're even." Wha? Khloe, surprised to see Amber's tweet, repsonded:  "I guess people love to call us whores. Easiest jab to throw." 

1. Khloe is right. So cliche! Even calling Khloe a "shim" is cliche. (Maybe calling her a woman isn't...)

2. I'm not siding with anyone, but doesn't it take a famewhore to know a famewhore?


3. And this is coming from a chick who's showing off her womb at Carnival in Rio. Who da ho now?

Girl, you throwin' so much shade you could be the dome on the Georgia Dome. Mmmm-hmmmm.


Ass
Ass.
#2 AFROMAN
OFFENSE: Dumbass
I thought partakers of the "oregano" were hungry, laid-back teddy bears. Apparently not in the case of Afroman. The rapper was performing in Biloxi when he went batsh&t crazy and punched a female fan in the face. The video shows how brutal the blow was. Not. Cool. There's an appropriate way to handle a fan jumping on stage. It's called... wait for it... SECURITY! It repulses me when we (as in the music-consuming public as a whole) make celebrities out of complete genetic wastes of space, such as yourself. I hope you choke during your next pot-fueled food binge.

Perhaps we should change your name to Assh&leMan. Yes?

P.S. Sorry to insult donkeys across the Universe.



Picture
I liken Bobbi Kristina's family to this steamy pile...
#1 BOBBI KRISTINA'S FAMILY
OFFENSE: Vultures

While the daughter of Bobby Brown and the late Whitney Houston remains in a medically-induced coma, some fringe members of her family are trying to cash-in on this sad situation. I really shouldn't be shocked. Remember how Michael Jackson's family immediately raided his mansion when he died? Some of B.K's family have asked for thousands of dollars in payment, plus perks like car services and hotel stays to do interviews. I can't really fully verbalize how I find this so utterly disgusting. If these fungi would've been there for her-- protecting her and looking out for her best interests-- like a true family does, perhaps she wouldn't be where she is today. But noooooo. You're all too busy trying to make a dollar and getting ready to claim stake to her fortune. Good luck with that. And good luck with all that future burning in Hell! Peace.



PHOTO CREDITS:
Amber Rose https://www.flickr.com/photos/skartistic/
Afroman https://www.flickr.com/photos/gilmorec/
Donkey https://www.flickr.com/photos/ddebold/
Poop https://www.flickr.com/photos/dnet/

Catfights, A Musty "Meow" & One Big Giant Pussy...

2/12/2015

 
Offenders for the week of February 9th, 2015:
Picture
"You goin' down, beyotch!"
#3 GIULIANA RANCIC
OFFENSE: Jealous and hungry

E!'s red carpet queen is green with envy! She is fed up (ironic considering how stick-thin she is) with co-worker Maria Menounos and lookin' to send her packing. See, Maria has her own E! show and has a stake in the actually company-- which means she has clout and more cash. Adding insult to injury, other E! employees think it's time for Gi to go. Ouch. I guess it's because she's a real meanie now. We all championed her as she battled cancer and struggled to start a family. But now, she's one of the snarkiest snarksters out there-- and I'm snarky! LOL Sometimes, you just have to move on and create something new. Don't hate. Eat a cheeseburger and get over it. Now.

Picture
"Wanna touch my antique 'globes'?"
#2 MADONNA
OFFENSE: WTF?
First of all, I am a Madonna lover. As a girl, I desperately wanted to be the Asian Madonna. But I am soooo tired of her... so-called 'pushing the envelope.' You done pushed it and fossilized it decades ago! Her getup at the Grammys was more like the "throwup" at the awards show. Why chaps? WHY!?!? Yes, it's great you're a 50+ year-old woman and you have a fit body (a bit on the Skeletor side, if you ask me)-- but save it for your boytoys! A woman can be sexy at any age without being ridiculous. There is nothing more cringe-worthy than a person who can't age gracefully. And for the past decade, no one is buying the notion that you're droppin' "E" and hangin' with "Molly" while gyratin' in da clubs. NO ONE your age, or even my age, is there for last call. Cuz that was so a 20-something thing! You're at home in your jammies eating organic popcorn and sticking pins in your Kabbalah doll. In case you ain't getting what I'm sending your way: No one needs to see your ancient ass or beef jerky wombspace!!!!
Picture
"(singing) I'm an insufferable doooooooouche!"
#1 KANYE WEST
OFFENSE: The Biggest Ass Clown That Ever Lived.... EVER!

I feel the need to express myself in an open letter..

Dear KanLame:
Better check yo self at the nearest ER, cuz you've got Diarrhea of the Mouth again-- and with you it's chronic. Who made you the King of Everything? Your musical career has lasted how long? Almost 20 years-- three of which were actually good. You've fallen into that trap of: "I'm famous, so people give a f*ck about my opinion". Guess what? Ninety-nine percent of us, to quote one of your many shallow-end-diving fans, "Ain't give no f*ck". You're a rapper. You produce music. You're no ones savior; No ones hero. You are entertaining because you're wholly ridiculous. You're famous because there are a million sheep in the world with no musical taste. Beck deserved his honor. And even though you slammed him, he responded with grace. 

And another thing: your obsession with Beyonce is creepy. If I were you, I'd watch it. Jay-z shouldn't be messed with. He HAS been to prison, and has real 'cred' unlike you-- suburban-gangsta-wannabe. You and your bubble-headed-butted wife can't even sniff the success and class that Jay and Bey have. They're Neiman Marcus; you and that thing are WalMart-- on a bad day. 

The only award you deserve: The STFU Lifetime Achievement Award.

Imma let you finish what you were gonna say now...



Hugs, 


Kathy xoxox





PHOTO CREDITS:
Madonna https://www.flickr.com/photos/u2005/
Fighting cubs https://www.flickr.com/photos/tambako/
Kanye West https://www.flickr.com/photos/jasonpersse/

Crazy Train...

2/4/2015

 
Offenders for the week of February 2, 2015:
Picture(insert maniacal laugh)
#3 VANDERPUMP RULES 'STAR' KRISTEN DOUTE
OFFENSE: Crazier than the craziest beyotch 
"Reality" TV really needs a sack punch. Why? Because creatures like this will spare nothing to become famous-- even if it means being portrayed a despicable lowlife. After seven years of service (or should I say 'servicing') and endless hours of drama, Kristen is no longer a professional server at the infamous Sur restaurant. She caused quite a stir by telling her manager to: "F*ck off" and to "Go suck a d*ck". Classy. Yet, this delusional psychopath believes she still has a future on the show because she "put my whole life out there for three years." Yep. You did. Your life; your insanity; and your dirty cookie jar-- for all of us to see. Now, you can move on to your pre-destined career: animal porn. 

Picture"I'm pullin' it outta my ass, okay?"
#2 JUSTIN BIEBER
OFFENSE: Liar, liar?
Taking a page out of his Hello Kitty journal, Beebs has made a video apologizing for being an insufferable ass pimple for the past year-and-a-half. He claimed he was pretending to be someone he's not. Uh-huh. (How 'bout claiming to be male for starts?) He said he had been acting-out to cover up how he felt inside. (Chocolate and Midol-- STAT!) His goal: to make the best impression on people and to prove he's "gentle and soft." (AKA: "scissoring" with Selena.) I'm taking this whole mea culpa with a bag of salt. Words are one thing; actions are another. I'm sniffin' this is a complete PR move to get your career out of the outhouse. While you're finding your soul, could you find your fun marbles, too? 




Picture "Imma eat ur souuuuuuul!"
#1 RANDY QUAID
OFFENSE: Beyond batsh&t crazy

I'll keep this brief. He's shown his cray-cray colors in the past, but this latest shade is wack-a-doodle-tastic. To summarize: In a video with his equally nutty wife, Randy slammed Rupert Murdoch, Warner Bros., The New York Post, and then simulated sex with his aforementioned wife while she wore a Murdoch mask. I really think we should have you arrested for fraud, because you're no actor. You were born crazy, therefore, you never had to act 'crazy'. Dirty faker!

P.S. CLICK HERE for Randy's rant.




PHOTO CREDIT:
Kristen Doute http://irealhousewives1.rssing.com/chan-11273215/latest.php
Justin Bieber https://www.flickr.com/photos/joebielawa/
Randy Quaid https://www.flickr.com/photos/jjeffreys/

    About The Slap

    I lovingly call out celebs for their naughty behavior. Sometimes a 'slap' is a needed wake-up call. ;)

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