Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

What a Lovehole

7/2/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending July 2, 2021:

#3 COURTNEY LOVE

Just when you think this pimple's been eliminated for good, it pops back up. She's all bent that pop artist Olivia Rodrigo's album cover for Sour is quite similar to Hole's 1994 album cover for Live Through This-- which features a brokedown prom queen. Love tweeted:

"Spot the difference! #twinning!"

So damn what!?!? Be grateful a 20-something appreciates your music and knows who you are.

Love felt that Olivia should've gotten permission first. Because, you know, manners. From the woman who may have killed Kurt Cobain.

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#2 MEGHAN MARKLE

Methinks Meghan possesses a poison poonanie, because once the Former-Prince Harry got a slice, he was never the same. I mean, look at all the tea spilled regarding the Royal Family. And Harry is estranged from his pops and bro? It's like Meghan wanted the benefits and exposure that being royalty could provide, without performing the royal duties. Like Harry couldn't have "escaped" the horrors of privilege pre-Meghan? Riiight.

But it appears that Meghan 2.0 has alienated yet another person-- her bestie. Jessica Mulroney posted this gem:

"Life changes. You lose love. You lose friends. You lose pieces of yourself that you never imagined would be gone. And then, without even realizing it, those pieces come back. New love enters. Better friends come along. And a stronger, wiser you, is staring back in the mirror."

But it's Jessica's fault for getting dragged into some social media fight, blah, blah, blah... that's why there's a rift. And supposedly Jessica is using their friendship for headlines. This sounds like a familiar accusation...

Perhaps Meghan was always a stormy bitchfront...

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#1 ALLISON MACK

Saying you're sorry doesn't make everything go away. Especially when you recruited women into the NXIVM sex cult. She claims she was brainwashed, and felt that what she was doing was the right thing-- bringing young women to Keith Raniere so they could be mentored. She released a lengthy statement last weekend ahead of her sentencing yesterday, hoping to garner favor from the court. In part she said:

"... those who have been harmed by my actions, it is now of paramount importance for me to say, from the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry.."

I'm sure that's true. And I'm sure that she realizes what she did. But... she wants to serve zero jail time. Zero. Why? Because she's a changed person. She's reconnected with her family, works for a catering business, and is pursuing an education at UC Berkeley. So...

Good for you. But you aided in the ruining of lives. Even those who cause car accidents that accidentally kill someone still have to answer for that. Zero jail time? Eff you. Fortunately, Allison will spend three years in prison, though it's nearly not enough. She faced 15 years in prison for her misdeeds. Let's see how much time she does, or perhaps she'll skate out of it Cosby-style.

This whole thing is disgusting for so many reasons...

Yellow Power

7/31/2020

Offenders for the week ending July 31, 2020:

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#3 THOMAS MARKLE

Oh, Thomas. You were *this* close to starting that process of reconciliation with your little girl, Meghan. But since you can't learn your lesson, you're probs going to get the freeze out. Again. Daddy of The Year most likely needed some cash money, so he turned to his favorite ATM-- the media. He recently told "The Sun" that his little girl and her hubs, the dude formerly known as Prince Harry, should stop whining:

"This is the worst time in the world for them to be whining and complaining about anything-- because people everywhere are suffering due to the coronavirus pandemic. I love my daughter, but I really don't appreciate what she's become right now."

Sigh.

Yes. A whole sh&tstorm is swirling. And yes, privileged folk should be the last to boo-hoo. But... ever hear of a phone? That's the device you can use to convey a message to a certain party without being messy. But messy is your middle name, so...

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#2 SMASH MOUTH

So, Taylor Swift sold 1.3 million copies of her latest record in 24 hours. Not surprising. The Tay Tay spell is forever floating amongst the masses, mesmerizing them into action. It's just the way it is. But Smash Mouth has taken exception to Tay's "Folklore" album, calling it:

"borelore"

Okay. Smash, who? Oh, that band from the early 1990s that had one hit song in a kid's movie: "All Star". Which you're not. Whether you like Taylor or not, she's a star. An all-ways star. Get it.

Uhmmm, your Tamagotchi is needing you, Mr. Mouth. And isn't your break over at the Quik Lube?

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#1 JEPH LOEB, former head honcho of Marvel Television

This guy isn't a celeb. But he's still a Hollywood set of d*ck lips. Daredevil star Peter Shinkoda claims his storyline was cut, along with another Asian actor because:

"Nobody gives a sh*t about Asian people."

That's probably true. Nobody thinks about us because while everybody is fighting each other, we shades of yellow are taking care of business. We hustle. We make our own way. We expect nothing from anyone and we kick ass with our work ethic. So, nobody may "give a shit" about Asians, but the next time you need your laundry washed or some yummy dim sum, or somebody to teach your lame ass that 1 + 1 = 2, you'll be looking for us Asians. And we'll help you out, because we know you're just an ignorant slut.

Congrats. You've gone and awoken my inner Angry Asian. And the half of me that is Asian has enough anger to kick your fossilized crotch up and out your nose.

You are precisely what's wrong with this country.

Catch me outside, bitch boy.

Daddy Dearest

1/31/2020

Offenders for the week ending January 31st, 2020:

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#3 JOY BEHAR

While there are times I question why Joy Behar exists, I'm glad she does because she's great fodder for the The Slap. She makes the list this week for her seemingly racially-toned comment about Whoopi Goldberg's hair.

Patrick Stewart was a guest on The View, and he invited Whoopi to be a part of the new Star Trek series. To which Joy quipped:

"I just said to him, 'Does she have to take the hair thing off?'"

While tugging on one of Whoopi's dreads. Can someone offer Joy a role off this planet? Please?

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#2 KATHARINE MCPHEE

I understand self-deprecation. I'm good at it. But Kat took self-deprecation to a new level. She must've decided she needed some social media attention, so she tweeted that she actually won more Grammys than Billie Eilish did Sunday night-- by default.

"Everyone who keeps saying Billie Eilish walked away with the most Grammys must not remember I won 16 by marriage this past summer."

HA HA HA! What? McPeePee married 16-time Grampa, er, Grammy winner David Foster last June. So, by marriage she's a winner. Girl, that makes you sound like some let-me-wear-my-pearls-while-I-make-your-dinner 50's housewife b.s. Yes, you share everything when married. But... go get your own damned Grammy!

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#1 THOMAS MARKLE

Never will this man win Dad of The Year. Because he refuses to STFU about his daughter, Meghan. She has asked him to stop going public in regards to her. But, noooo. This hiney cyst just keeps talking. And talking. He claims it's the only way he can get through to his beloved girl.

"There's no other way to reach her."

Dumbass says he's going to do a new interview every 30 days until he gets a response from Meghan.

Really? I'm sure there are better ways to get a response. Have you tried the phone call/text/letter/in-person chat? Maybe there's a compelling reason for her lack of communication with you. Like, saying publicly that you were disappointed in her behavior in regards to her royal ramp-down. And you've basically blamed her for Yoko-ing the royal family. So, there's that.

The next communication you may get is from a lawyer. One of my problems with you is-- what are your true intentions? Methinks you really don't want to talk to your daughter. You're just gonna talk to the media because they pay you to talk to them. And it's all about the money. Or, you want a relationship with her so you can get the dirt and sell it to the media.

Nice try, Daddy Dickhead.

Reality Ruffian

11/16/2018

Offenders for the week ending November 16, 2018:

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#3 MEGHAN MARKLE

NOTE: This is a preventative slap-- so pay attention, duchess. You want none of the slap hand for realz.

Apparently, Meghan's personal assistant has quit-- abruptly-- after six months of service. A source said:

"It's a real shock... Melissa is a hugely talented person. She played a pivotal role in the success of the Royal Wedding and will be missed by everyone in the Royal Household."

Except Megs, apparently. According to the recently-released book about royals entitled "Hopes and Dreams," Prince Harry is whipped by Meghan, and caters to her alleged diva ways. There are also allegations that the Queen has warned Harry that Meghan needs to mind how she speaks to staff, and that she needs to follow family protocol.

I'm sure there are some growing pains. You can take the girl out of the USA, but you can't take the USA out of her... So, if this is even remotely true... Girl, check yo self. There are already enough pressures on you. Don't add to them. Be gracious and follow protocol. But behind closed doors with no one around, get your American on!

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#2 ARIANA GRANDE

NOTE: Another preventative slap...

Ariana isn't feeling lucky in love. Her ex, Mac Miller, died of a drug overdose. And she recently called-off her engagement to SNL "funnyman" Pete Davidson.

"The past couple of years have been incredibly difficult for Ariana and she rushed into the engagement with Pete. It wasn't an easy breakup and she doesn't want to date anyone for a while so she can focus on herself instead."

Cool. She did kick her out of her place and blocked his number. Love it. I agree with the "clearing your head" and growing, and finding yourself. Once you do, things will be different. But don't become that chick who hates men, cuts off her hair, wears Crocs and no makeup, and 24/7 flannel.

The Energizer Bunny can only go so long, and hook ups get boring. Take your time and find a real man. A man that looks like a man. Acts like a man. Has the ween of a man.

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#1 THOMAS RAVENEL, former cast member of the reality TV show Southern Charm

Speaking of weens...

NOTE: This is a real slap. For a real tool.

Props that he's come to the defense of his baby-momma, Kathryn Dennis, who was under public attack from his on-again-off-again baby-juice-dumpster Ashley something-or-other-last-name. They were caught up in a:

"screaming match of epic proportions."

I've never watched two people more perfect for each other, and totally toxic. Like, the epitome of toxic. Anywho, Thomas was upset that Ashley publicly has claimed that Kathryn's rehab stint was just to create a story line for the show, and that she's been seen all over Charleston getting crunk.

Okay, That's fine. But yelling in public and lookin' like a crotch stain isn't the way to conduct yourself.

Then, Raven-no took a public shot at Kathryn, accusing her of using their children as subject matter for the show. Sorry, dude, that you aren't on the show anymore. Stop trying to grab headlines.

You're a convicted felon. You've been accused multiple times of possessing rape-y tendencies. And you want to run your mouth-- still? Zip it-- and your pants.

UpChuck

8/8/2018

Offenders. Offenders for this shortened week:

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#3 ANGELINA JOLIE

How many years now have Angie and Brad Pitt been getting divorced? Things are down-dirty nasty. Apparently Angie is so bent, she wants to kill any relationship Brad has with the kids.

"She's fueled with anger and has gotten ridiculously unreasonable."

Famous celeb-split lawyer Laura Wasser has had enough. Even this bulldog can't take the shizz anymore. I'm sure this is great for their kids. Not. There have been allegations of alcohol abuse and child abuse-- against Brad. No matter what the issues are between adults, if the children are loved and cared for by both parents-- don't try to taint their opinions or get in the way of that relationship. Act grown!

Girl, you need to get over the anger. Go drink someone's blood and kiss your bro. Maybe you'll feel better.

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#2 SAMANTHA MARKLE

This family is just so repulsive. The halfwit sister-to-Meghan has bigmouthitis like her daddy does. She just had to put her dirty-butt two cents in when Elle UK published an article that suggested Meghan and Prince Harry were considering life away from the spotlight:

"OK so Cruella de Vil is retreating LOL. Let me know how that works out for you. @KensingtonRoyal."

In the months leading up to the royal wedding, this bloated bitch-bag has been spreading her vitriol for a fat payday:

"Let's face it, we all have to survive. Money makes the world go round, so if you want to call that cashing in, that's fine."

Regardless if what you're saying is the truth...

Your obvious jealousy is sad. We know you're upset because you're fugly-- with a face that resembles stepped-in elephant dung.

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#1 CHARLIE SHEEN

Cue "the world's smallest violin"-- Chuck is broke! Waaaaaaa! He's petitioning the court to have his child support payments modified because the money is done gone. He has two children with Denise Richards, and two with Brooke Mueller. Since 2016, he's been paying $50,000 a month to Brooke, and $20,000 a month to Denise. In addition, he hands over 9.5% of his gross annual income which amounts to $2.1 million. Damn!

But his financial woes aren't his fault:

"I have been unable to find steady work, and have been blacklisted from many aspects of the entertainment industry."

Perhaps that is indeed the case. But you have yourself to blame. Remember all those hookers and all that blow? Remember your tiger blood and "winning"? Then there's your entire battle with "Two and a Half Men" creator Chuck Lorre... in which you had these lovely things to say about him:

"He's the most miserable f*cking douchebag. The most talentless f*cksack of sh*t of f*cking stupid this side of La Brea."

I don't think you'll find that on any Hallmark card...

You're unemployable because you're a hot-mess-psychopath. Whatever talent you may have is overshadowed by your volumes of bullsh*t. Maybe if you hadn't snorted most of Colombia's gross national product, you might have some money left over.

Daddy Dearest

8/3/2018

Offenders for the week ending August 3, 2018:

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#3 DANIELLE STAUB of the Real Housewives of New Jersey

Called it! It seems to be a trend with newly-wed Bravo "Housewives"-- they rave about how awesome their beaus are, lure them into marriage, and then get divorced two months later.

Dani's marriage to Marty Caffrey is O-V-A. Why? Marty says:

"Danielle typically looks to place blame at somebody else's feet. It's difficult for her to take responsibility for anything."

Oh, and she's:

"arrogant, disrespectful, presumptuous and entitled."

Look, Dani... we all know you're one sandwich short of a picnic. Seriously, you were just after this dude's cash. And to your soon-to-be-ex: WTF were YOU thinking? Have you not seen any previous seasons of RHONJ? Your wife was engaged 19 times and married twice, and she had to change her name to escape a sketchy past.

Love it when someone's reality makes for the best reality TV.

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#2 DAVID HASSELHOFF

I guess kudos to you for baggin' a 39-year-old wife. But... EWWWWWW!

The 66-year-old and his betrothed got married in Italy. The Hoff's two 20-something daughters were in attendance. Awww....

David and Hayley met in 2011 when he was a judge on Britain's Got Talent. Was she a contestant? Nope. Just a fan asking him for an autograph. So, it was a stroke job all the way around? Anywho, he only gave it to her (the autograph) after she gave him her phone number (then he gave it to her.)

You must be okay with this being an I-love-your-wallet transaction, because nobody's into your dimpled ding-a-ling.

By the by, his new wifey and daughter share the same name. And they're close in age. Vurp.

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#1 THOMAS MARKLE

I think we're all aware of why Meghan doesn't have anything to do with her family: they're a bunch of pube baggers! (Her mother not included in this.) Thomas REFUSES to STFU! Refuses!

"I'm really hurt that she's cut me off completely. I used to have a phone number and text number for her personal aides at the palace, but after I said a few critical words about the royal family changing Meghan, they cut me off."

Yup. That's just how things go, Tommy boy. Now, he's making some veiled threats to air all the "dirty laundry" while the British media gives this taint-pimple a platform. The Queen herself may be intervening to make him go away!

He just so... sad... in many ways.

"Perhaps it would be easier for Meghan if I died. I hope we reconcile. I'd hate to die without speaking to Meghan again."

Maybe if you could not be a publicity-seeking schlong pincher she'd speak to you!

Whatevs.

Just go back to sitting around in your sh*t-stained undies, drinking a Milwaukee's Beast out on the porch of your Mexican shack. And while you're doing that, why don't you eat a bag of steamy weens, you over-inflated sad sack!

Whatchu Talkin' 'Bout, Willis?

7/20/2018

Offenders for the week ending July 20, 2018

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#3 THE FAT JEWISH

There are some days that I feel deeply in my soul that Kris Jenner is the anti-Christ. Seriously. We're inundated with all-things-Kardashian (and Jenner) because brokered the deal for Kim's "vaginal invader video." So let's not help this family gain more notoriety! That means you-- The Fat Jewish!

Mr. Funnypants has set up a GoFundMe for Kylie Jenner so that she can become the world's youngest self-made billionaire. Right now, Kylie is only worth $900 million. Boo-effing-hoo! He's trying to raise the $100 million to put her over the top.

"I don't want to live in a world where Kylie Jenner doesn't have a billion dollars."

Even though you're doing this in jest... don't. For the love of all things sacred, stop stirring the pot! The sheeple will make it happen!

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#2 THOMAS MARKLE

At first, I had compassion for this man. Now, I fully realize he's just an opportunistic penis wad. Yes, your daughter Meghan married Prince Harry. Yes, you missed her wedding. Yes, you haven't been a part of her life for a long while. Yes, you need to go away. This dude has a serious case of the verbal runs. In an exclusive interview with The Sun, daddy believes the pressures of being a royal is already taking its toll on his little girl:

"I see it in her eyes, I see it in her face and I see it in her smile. I've seen her smile for years. I know her smile. I don't like the one I'm seeing now."

He doesn't like the archaic rules and protocol of royalty and thinks Meghan is being suffocated:

"Why in 2018 are we dressing like the 1930s? Why do they have to cover their knees?

True. I don't think a knee has inspired a stiffy, but-- the royals don't want sexualized at all.

And guess what? He's a bit miffed that he can't profit off his daughter, while others can sell items with her likeness on it. Sigh.

"The reason I am being shunned is because I made a profit on the staged pictures."

Zip yo lip, Pops! And to you "journalists" out there-- stop paying this mother fungus to spew!

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#1 BRUCE WILLIS

The debate has raged on for years-- is "Die Hard" a Christmas film. Bruce says:

NO!

How dare ye speak such filth? Bruce gave his opinion after his Comedy Central roast, so perhaps he was bent a bit. Because he's clearly lost his mind. Even the screenwriter says the film can be considered a Christmas movie.

Here's my argument:

1. The movie centers around John flying to Cali to spend time with his corporate wife for CHRISTMAS. He meets her at the office at the company CHRISTMAS party.

2. We hear Run-D.M.C.'s "Christmas in Hollis" in the movie.

3. Uh, remember that classic scene where McClane takes out a baddy and writes "Now I have a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho" on the baddy's sweatshirt?

4. We hear all kinds of sleigh bells!

Eat it, Willis.

What a Lovehole

Yellow Power

Daddy Dearest

Reality Ruffian

UpChuck

Daddy Dearest

Whatchu Talkin' 'Bout, Willis?

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