Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

Slappable

8/2/2019

Offenders for the week ending August 2, 2019:

#3 LUANN de LESSEPS, Real Housewives of New York City Castmember

Despite her multiple trips to rehab and her arrest, her lawsuit from her children, this chick still thinks she's a classy dame.

Ol' girl has been making ends meet with a cabaret show. Mind you, she can't really sing. Like, turtles banging sound better. But, she's riding on the notoriety of her misdeeds and her reality TV show life. So much so that she claimed she was cast in Chicago on Broadway. She said during the recent RHONY reunion:

"I want to tell you all right now, that for someone who can't sing, I just got cast... So, you know, take that and shove it up your ass. How's that?"

Is this language you'd advise us to use in one of your etiquette handbooks? Okay, then. Why don't you shove something up your ass? Like your lies. No Chicago for you, though your people claim there's a scheduling conflict. Nice going, former Count-ass.

#2 GWYNETH PALTROW

So, people still interview her because she's still famous. Sigh. But she was getting deep with some talk show host about women and aging, and how it's so tough for her because people think she's beautiful and now she's getting older. WAAAAH!

Yup. It happens.

"To get wrinkles, like, get closer to menopause, and all these things... what happens to your identity as a woman if you're not f&ckable and beautiful?"

Uh, my answer would be that you could always f*ck yourself...

Oh, and you can take comfort knowing that you're always slappable...

P.S. Don't you have something on that GOOP website of yours that can make you more... coitus-able?

#1 KATHY GRIFFIN

Some people are so repulsive to me, I'd rather have 10 consecutive pap smears than hear their name mentioned ever again. This is how I feel about our #1 offender. I've tried to like her. I've tried to find her funny. I can't.

All she seems to be good at is spewing nastiness and beefin' with whomever she feels like. Her latest victim: Andy Cohen.

"She's made up a lot of stuff about me in the past few years that has just been untrue and sad. I hope she finds some peace."

She's also feuding with Ellen DeGeneres, Perez Hilton, and Harvey Levin. Guess when you're trying to find relevance, you just fight with someone to get out there. Even though she says she's trying to find her peace in life after the Donald Trump photo scandal.

We prefer she find peace on another planet.

The Girl Who Cried (Wolf)

8/23/2018

Offenders for the week ending August 24, 2018:

via GIPHY

#3 LUANN DE LESSEPS, from the Real Housewives of New York

When you agree, legally, to provide for your children-- no matter their age-- then you follow through. That's the right thing to do.

When the former countess got divorced, she took possession of their Bridgehampton, New York, mansion. She was supposed to create a trust where her children (who are now adults) would receive half the interest in the home. But she did not. Must've forgotten during one of her many adult beverage binges. Oopsies.

So, her ex and her children are suing. And rightfully so, even though LuLu's feelings are hurt:

"First of all, I found out about this whole story... in the press so that was devastating... I felt betrayed."

What are your children to say?: "Hey, Mom. You're f*cking us over. Stop."

Perhaps your ex is trying to tell you to get your shizz together and quit embarrassing his family's name. There's a thought.

Stealing from your kids? That's the lowest of low.

#StankyRankThief

via GIPHY

#2 MAMA JUNE

This is proof why the revenge diet sucks. One should be focused on making improvements for oneself, not to "get back" at the person who dumped you. Because unless you realize that the changes you make are permanent, lifestyle changes for your betterment-- you're just going to regress.

Everyone made a big ol' deal about how the reality TV star lost a bunch of weight. At her heaviest, she tipped the scales at 460 pounds. She then got surgery, exercised and dieted, and ended up a size four. But that didn't last long. She admits to gaining 50 pounds back, and is now resting at 200 pounds.

"You've got to love yourself no matter who you are. I was 350 pounds to 150 pounds and now I'm back up to 200 pounds. People just need to learn to love who they are."

#True, but... if you are unhealthy and constantly putting your body through drastic changes, and it looks like you ate the skinnier version of yourself, your love of self is just a way to justify your lifestyle. If this all weren't insidious enough... this:

Mama said she gained back her weight because she's blind in her right eye, got a bunch of surgeries for it, and....

#NiceTry.

via GIPHY

#1 ASIA ARGENTO

Perhaps those that shout the loudest are actually the most guilty.

The asstress was the first to accuse Harvey Weinstein of sexual assault. And now, guess who's being accused of assaulting an underage male? Yup.

Here's the deets:

Jimmy Bennett has accused Asia of sexually assaulting him in a room at The Ritz-Carlton in Marina del Rey in 2013--a mere two months after his 17th birthday. She was 37. Bennett claimed she gave him alcohol, kissed him, played a symphony on his skin flute, then bumped uglies. First of all, vurp. Dude was 17. Second of all, the two starred in a movie back in 2004 when he was a little boy. Pedo-fantasy much?

After the encounter, she posted an Instagram photo:

"Happiest day of my life reuniong with @jimmymbennett. xox."

Bennett later asked for $3.5 million in damages for emotional distress, lost wages, assault and battery.

She did pay him off, kind of. She claims her dead boyfriend, Anthony Bourdain, made the payment to make him go away.

While it's true in some cases people are looking for a pay day, Bennett was a child in the eyes of the law when you decided you needed some wang.

I hope she doesn't try to use the "learned behavior" excuse. Oh, and how convenient to blame your dead boyfriend. Must've been true love for you, right. Piss farm.

#PotandKettleMeet

She Wrong

5/18/2018

Offenders for the week ending May 18, 2018:

via GIPHY

#3 KENDRA WILKINSON

The Playboy Playmate and reality TV star has finally left her husband of nine years, Hank Baskett. The ups-and-downs of their relationship, and his cheating on her with a transvestite was chronicled on Kendra on Top. What would be your first concern after a breakup? The care of the children? Where to live? Well, with Kspot-- it's all about her... needs... which she asked her fans about on social media.

"What's your opinion... do I start dating/sex now or give myself more time? My heart is broken but I have needs. Lmaooooo"

I think she's more "twatbroken" than anything else. Anywho, she only filed for divorce last month.

Let that thang breathe, girl. The Hank Stank ain't even out of there yet and you want to invite another depositor? Gross.

via GIPHY

#2 DORINDA MEDLEY & LUANN DE LESSEPS

I get keeping up with the joneses, but this is sad. These two Real Housewives of New York City cast members are fighting over who the biggest drunk is. For real. Because that's a crown we all want to wear. The show has chronicled Dorinda's growing affection for alcohol. This chick is all-or-nothing when it comes to the libations. Like, slur-your-words-that-you-need-subtitles-fight-your-grandma-drunk. A recent episode features a drunk and belligerent Dorinda embarrassing herself in front of some VIPs. Eek. So, fellow boozer and cop-assaulter Luann thought she'd call her out for her misbehavior. Dorinda flamed back:

"Dear @CountessLuann are we to take advice from a pal who got so wasted she punched her then husband in the middle of restaurant, followed by assaulting a law enforcement officer? Then jail? You almost gotta love the complete lack of self awareness."

Well, at least the Countess went to rehab while you're still in denial. Why don't the two of you just drunkenly kiss and make out and become bottle besties.

via GIPHY

#1 KHLOE KARDASHIAN

A man cheats on you. Very publicly. While you're pregnant with his baby. What would you do? Take him back, of course! Despite the speculation that her baby-daddy-bf Tristan Thompson "drove the lane" with five different women, Khloe is standing by her man. And she made that very public on social media:

"It's all about who you look for in a crowded room. That's where your heart belongs to."

That's sweet. Well, your heart belongs to him, but his wang belongs to every "taco truck" out there.

Meanwhile, the Khardasian Klan is less-than-pleased with Khloe. They don't support her decision and haven't visited her in Cleveland in weeks. I ethically can't side with the Kardashians, but I must say-- open your eyes (not thighs), girlfriend. You may think you're doing what's best for your family, but this pair of c*ck lips has another child with another lady. Don't think keeping him close is gonna spark some devotion.

And, if your Kardashian Kurse ruins the playoff run of our beloved Cavaliers... I'll buy your ticket and pack your funbags for you!

The Stars Have Fallen...

1/5/2018

Offenders for the week ending January 5, 2018:

With the new year comes resolutions. Sometimes it's difficult to come up with something good to fail at eventually. That's where we lend a helping hand. We suggest a resolution for each offender this week.

"(Singing) Get me some Tetley, Lipton, or mother-effin Bigelow..."

#3 MARIAH CAREY

First of all, kudos for agreeing to come back again to Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve after last year's internet-blazing craptastic performance. She did redeem herself. Kinda. Until she couldn't resist gettin' all diva-tastic when she inquired where her tea was after finishing her first tune:

Girl, please. Just concentrate on hitting the notes and not farting so your uber-tight costume doesn't burst open. Nobody needs injured from your flying fashion shrapnel. Maybe if your massive mams weren't exposed to the sub-zero temps of NYC, you wouldn't need any tea during your five minute show! And here's another thought-- plan ahead. Have one of your minions fetch a beverage that they can hold for you on stage, and let you sup from whenever you beckon.

I know. It sucks to be one of us...

Your New Year's Resolution: Get Tanaka tea (bagged).

"Just call me Countess de Liqueur..."

#2 LUANN DE LESSEPS

On Christmas Eve, The Real Housewives of New York star was busted on charges of battery on an officer, disorderly intoxication, resisting arrest with violence, and crimes against a person. She even threatened to kill police and swung at an officer. This from the woman who wrote the etiquette book "Class with the Countess: How to Live with Elegance and Flair" (Was that Rick Flair?)

The count-less was truly embarrassed, has apologized, and voluntarily checked herself into rehab. But, her first ex-husband-- Count Alexandre de Lesseps-- is out of f*cks to give. He wants her drop his name.

"After she remarried she officially lost the title and now he's demanding that she stop pretending to have a title she doesn't."

Ouch.

Maybe you need an addendum to your little book that gives us step-by-step tips on how to Zsa Zsa Gabor a police officer.

Your New Year's Resolution: Change your name to Betty de Ford.

"My douchebaggery is vast..."

#1 LOGAN PAUL

No wonder other countries hate on us. We take assh&les and make them famous. Like social media "star" Logan Paul-- known for his short videos about... stuff. He has more than 16 million Instagram followers, so a lot of teens like his "stuff." He recently visited Aokigahara, a dense forest known as the "Sea of Trees" on the northwestern side of Mount Fiji. The beautiful forest is sadly known as a popular destination for people to attempt suicide. Well, as soon as Logan entered the forest, he discovered a man's dead body. So, why not make that tragedy the center of your next stupid video?

His video commentary was a tasteless, poor attempt at humor. And the world got really angry at him. But he did it for the views. Or he didn't...

But... he's, like, totally sorry:

And now he's taking a break from vlogging. Good. Bye, you self-entitled piece of smeg.

Your New Year's Resolution: Eat a bag of steamy "Richards". Make that an extra large bag..

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

Slappable

The Girl Who Cried (Wolf)

She Wrong

The Stars Have Fallen...

About The Slap

Archives

Categories