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Zip Yo Lip

6/28/2019

 
​Offenders for the week ending June 28, 2019:

via GIPHY

#3 TERESA GUIDICE AND DANIELLE STAUB, Real Housewives of New Jersey "stars"
Feuding bitches make for great ratings. Since one of these is completely crazy (Danielle) and the other is possibly cray cray (Teresa), we can't wait to see the next season of this hot-mess franchise. Supposedly these two reignited their feud after a half-decade of peace, and most recently-- near BFF-dom. What started the feud? Who knows.

"By the end of the season, there was a lot of finger pointing between Teresa and Danielle and it led to their falling out."

And allegedly, Teresa's sis-in-law and fellow castmember, Melissa, was stuck in the middle.

The two of these "ladies" should've never been friends in the first place. Teresa has a memory of convenience, and Danielle is delusional. Hey, Teresa. You called her a "prostitution whore" and flipped a table for a reason. But seriously, y'all are too grown to be this grade-schoolish.

via GIPHY

#2 LUANN de LESSEPS
So, the woman busted for drunkenness and assaulting a police officer-- and went to rehab twice is writing another book? Nobody gives a f&ck! Her first book, "Class With the Countess" was quite the humor piece. Oh, wait. She was serious in trying to school us on how to be our best classy selves.

Remember, this is a woman who was so drunk she fell into a row of bushes. This is the same classy dame that used her kids' trust fund money to support her own lifestyle. This is the same woman who has a "singing" career and cabaret show but has zero talent.

I think we'll pass on your latest book/memoir. We don't care to read about how tough life is for you. Or what you've written in your Hello, Kitty diary. 

Like you like to say: Money can't buy you class. But could you please buy a one-way ticket to Mars?

via GIPHY

 #1 ROSIE O'DONNELL
Why must this angry wind bag continue to open her mouth!?!? 

Some dude wrote some book about The View, so that's given Hosey the perfect opp to spew her hate. In a recent interview, Rosie said View member Whoopi Goldberg was "mean" and "worse than Fox News." Also, this:

                                "(she) was the worst experience I've ever had on live television."

I would think TV in hi-def would be your biggest nightmare, but I digress... then she threw this shade at former View-er Elisabeth Hasselbeck saying that there were:

                                         "underlying lesbian undertones" between them.

Cue the vomiting. 

I would hope and pray that if Elisabeth were to take a dip in the lady pool that she would pick someone cooler than Rosie. I imagine Rosie would be like a horrible carnie in a two-sizes-too-small white t-shirt with sweat rings trying to cop a feel from an underage girl.

Perhaps Rosie has the Elisabeth fantasy. Methinks Elisabeth has better standards than Hosehead.

P.S. Don't you need to get back to alienating your children? Thanks.

Crocodile Tears

3/8/2019

 
Offenders for the week ending March 11, 2019:

via GIPHY

#3 JORDYN WOODS
Our former #1 Slapee last week makes the list again this week because she is angry that she's being called a "homewrecker". Uhm, the strange that hooks-up with another woman's man and a breakup results is a homewrecker! Also, you're not free from absolution because you claim you "only kissed him". Again, this coochie hound (Tristan Thompson) was in a relationship with Khloe Kardashian (mother to his offspring) so kissing him is not cool. Plus, instead of making peace with KK-- you went public to proclaim your innocence. Khloe didn't take too kindly to that:

"Why are you lying @jordynwoods?? If you're going to try and save yourself by going public, INSTEAD OF CALLING ME PRIVATELY TO APOLOGIZE FIRST, at least be HONEST about your story."

Ouch. Feel the burn. Which she probably will since it's Tristan and his snake slithers often.

via GIPHY

#2 DANIELLE STAUB
The Real Housewives of New Jersey cast member, who's been engaged 22 times, and married thrice-- was ready to walk down the aisle just moments after the inked dried on the divorce decree from her third marriage. Head hurt yet? Mine does. This complete epitome of a basket case wisely ended her engagement... for now. Why? According to a source:

"Danielle wants to spend a little more time with her daughters as this happened very fast and caught them off guard." 

It happened so fast that her grown daughters never even met the Weener of the Month. But Danielle is determined. She plans on getting married in the next week or so. 

Oh, Oliver (the fiance) is a duke. So he must have money, because that's what Danielle requires. Lots of money to support her plastic life. Her third ex, Marty, was a businessman. They were married for less than two months. Apparently, Danielle has  magical vajayjay to trap all these men. Or perhaps these dudes think it's the Grand Canyon-- old and well-traveled. 

via GIPHY

#1 R. KELLY
This guy is in total denial. He truly believes his own bullshit.  And he's completely repulsive. Amidst more sexual abuse charges against him, ass clown decided that he should tell his side of things on TV. In a sit-down with CBS' Gayle King, the singer is stunned that people would believe that he's a sexual predator. Because he has no past suggesting such activities. 

"Why would I? How stupid would it be for R. Kelly-- with all I've been through in my way, way past-- to hold somebody, let alone four, five, six, 50?... How stupid would I be to do that?"

Your are stupid. You are sick. You are a predator. That's why you would continue to abuse women. Yes, you got away with it because your victim refused to testify. And her family was afraid to testify. Your own family, and people not even associated with you saw your recording studios equipped with private rooms and beds. And let's not forget--you married 15-year-old Aliyah! Fifteen! You knew she was 15, yet you seduced her and married her. 

The "Surviving R. Kelly" docuseries about you and your shameful ways made things crystal clear. Your ex-wife shared her heart-breaking story of once being a happy, successful dancer to becoming one of your prisoners. And, your own children want nothing to do with you. P.O.S. isn't even a title worthy of all your crimes against humanity. There isn't a deepest part of Hell that would be enough torture for you. 

Hopefully, you'll end up in prison. And someone will go all Old Testament on your ass.

P.S. While we're at it, pay your damn child support! 

P.P.S. Stop referring to yourself in third person. Douche!


Three Hoe-migos

10/5/2018

 
​Offenders for the week ending October 5, 2018:

via GIPHY

#3 DANIELLE STAUB
The Real Housewives of New Jersey cast member is no longer a housewife, and she blames the booze for her unfortunate nuptials. But not her boozing. His.

"It's funny how I saw certain things happening, but you just believe, especially with the perception around us, getting engaged would make it better... getting married would make it better."

Who actually believes that? I mean, seriously. Let's get legally tied to one another, because that'll make me get my shizzola together. NOT!  Staub got a temporary restraining order against her hubs when she  found him standing in the garage, allegedly drunk, agitated and ready to rumble. He claims she threatened to stab him in the neck multiple times over the past year.

Methinks alcohol was involved in the dating, the wedding proposal, and the stumble down the aisle... so what's the surprise here. Plus, Dani is not known to be the most mentally stable.

Please. Stop marrying. It is you.

via GIPHY

#2 CARDI B
I guess the "B" could stand for "brawler." It's bad enough she made the list a few weeks ago for throwing a shoe at Nicki Minaj at New York Fashion Week. Now, she's been charged with assault and reckless endangerment for the attack at a strip club in Queens. Two 20-something women were attacked

                                               "with chairs, bottles and other items."

Damn! Apparently, Cardi thought one of the two women had "relations" with her husband. So, she ordered the attack. Ah, she thinks she's the brokedown mob. Or, she's auditioning for a Lifetime TV movie.

Again, you're a mother. Stop acting like an idiot! Just proves that money can't buy class. Perhaps you should've ordered a lock for your man's pants.

via GIPHY

#1 LINDSAY LOHAN
This crazy train is off the rails again! Her family's worried about LiLo after she posted a bizarre video in which she accuses some random woman of human trafficking, then tried to snag her kids! WTH?!?! On the video (which has since been removed) she follows the family, then says:

"I just want to show you a family that I met that's a Syrian refugee family that I'm really worried about."

And then she got punched in the face. Ouchie.

Though she was sober sometime before (I don't know what year that was), she's apparently not now! 

"The strict drinking rules in Dubai where she has been living have provided a nice cover for her as well as the fact that paparazzi aren't allowed there, so there is less of a chance of her getting caught."

And she owns a night club in Mykonos, because alcoholics should own night clubs. Where they serve alcohol. And other illegal substances might be floating about.

Girl, you are 32 going on one-foot-in-the-grave. Wake up and stop being a f*ck up!

Daddy Dearest

8/3/2018

 
Offenders for the week ending August 3, 2018:

via GIPHY

#3 DANIELLE STAUB of the Real Housewives of New Jersey
Called it! It seems to be a trend with newly-wed Bravo "Housewives"-- they rave about how awesome their beaus are, lure them into marriage, and then get divorced two months later.

Dani's marriage to Marty Caffrey is O-V-A. Why? Marty says:

"Danielle typically looks to place blame at somebody else's feet. It's difficult for her to take responsibility for anything."

Oh, and she's:

                                     "arrogant, disrespectful, presumptuous and entitled."

Look, Dani... we all know you're one sandwich short of a picnic. Seriously, you were just after this dude's cash. And to your soon-to-be-ex: WTF were YOU thinking? Have you not seen any previous seasons of RHONJ? Your wife was engaged 19 times and married twice, and she had to change her name to escape a sketchy past. 

Love it when someone's reality makes for the best reality TV. 

via GIPHY

#2 DAVID HASSELHOFF
I guess kudos to you for baggin' a 39-year-old wife. But... EWWWWWW!

The 66-year-old and his betrothed got married in Italy. The Hoff's two 20-something daughters were in attendance. Awww....

David and Hayley met in 2011 when he was a judge on Britain's Got Talent. Was she a contestant? Nope. Just a fan asking him for an autograph. So, it was a stroke job all the way around? Anywho, he only gave it to her (the autograph) after she gave him her phone number (then he gave it to her.)

You must be okay with this being an I-love-your-wallet transaction, because nobody's into your dimpled ding-a-ling. 

By the by, his new wifey and daughter share the same name. And they're close in age. Vurp.

via GIPHY

#1 THOMAS MARKLE
I think we're all aware of why Meghan doesn't have anything to do with her family: they're a bunch of pube baggers! (Her mother not included in this.) Thomas REFUSES to STFU! Refuses!

"I'm really hurt that she's cut me off completely. I used to have a phone number and text number for her personal aides at the palace, but after I said a few critical words about the royal family changing Meghan, they cut me off."

Yup. That's just how things go, Tommy boy. Now, he's making some veiled threats to air all the "dirty laundry" while the British media gives this taint-pimple a platform. The Queen herself may be intervening to make him go away!

He just so... sad... in many ways. 

"Perhaps it would be easier for Meghan if I died. I hope we reconcile. I'd hate to die without speaking to Meghan again."

Maybe if you could not be a publicity-seeking schlong pincher she'd speak to you! 

Whatevs.

Just go back to sitting around in your sh*t-stained undies, drinking a Milwaukee's Beast out on the porch of your Mexican shack. And while you're doing that, why don't you eat a bag of steamy weens, you over-inflated sad sack!

    About The Slap

    I lovingly call out celebs for their naughty behavior. Sometimes a 'slap' is a needed wake-up call. ;)

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