Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

Who's Your Mac-n-Cheese Daddy?

2/28/2019

Offenders for the week ending March 1, 2019:

#3 ROBERT KRAFT

The owner of the New (nude) England Patriots has entered (LOL) a not guilty plea to soliciting prostitution after back-to-back visits to Orchids of Asia "spa" in Jupiter, Florida. Robert, why? was your heart broken by the death of your wife and the gold-digging ways of your 39-year-old former girlfriend? Did you feel that visiting a "pro" would be drama free?

You have a gajillion dollars. You could've bought some classy, drama free, primo kitty time. Or in this case, a hands-on experience and skin flute action. You had to have known you would've been caught. The name of the spa alone puts the illegal activity on blast. Any Asian "spa" that offers table showers, massages, and body treatments will "arouse" suspicion, so to speak.

But maybe we have it all wrong. Here are two thoughts:

1. You caught Yellow Fever. There is no cure. You just need more yellow attention.
2. You are a known philanthropist. Perhaps you've become a "feel-anthropist."

Whatever the case, let's cue your theme song: "I Did it For the Nookie".

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#2 TRISTAN THOMPSON

They teach you ball control on the court, how about trying it in your pants? After getting caught cheating while your girlfriend Khloe Kardashian was preggo with your daughter, you'd think you'd think with that stuff between your ears. Apparently, that thing between your legs is the dominant force in this saga.

This lowdown, dirty butt pimple was caught with his hand in Jordyn Woods' cookie jar. Oh, Jordyn-with-a-Y is Kylie Jenner's BFF. Kylie, of course, is Khloe's sis. Ewwwwww!

The two were "making out" at someone's house party. And they may have rolled around while Jordyn was roommates with Kylie. Tristan, Tristan, Tristan. There are millions of women in the world. Why must you dip so close to home? Are you earning "frequent Kardashian rider points"? Is this some kind of six-degrees-of-Kardashian sex game?

One day, your weener is going to rebel...

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#1 JORDYN WOODS

Congratulations! You've won the Slutbag Skank Award. Why are you tops this week and Tristan isn't? Because you could've said "no" to inviting a spoken-for man's Oscar Mayer into your den of doom. Sources say:

"This is out of character for Jordyn and no one expected this to happen."

Sure. Like the old saying goes: "It takes two two tango". If half of the equation is unavailable, then the dancing can't happen. Perhaps you've taken up "snake charming" as a vocation? And Tristan's was available for practice? Way to ruin your BFF relationship, your friendship with Khloe, and now you're labeled a tramp. Maybe you want to become Kim K famous. Don't hold your breath.

Quit treating your crotch like it's a Golden Corral.

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"Wolf"

2/22/2019

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Offender for the week ending February 22, 2019:

It happens on a few occasions-- a person so offensive that the entire Slap is dedicated to such a vile waste of space. Welcome to the club:

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JUSSIE SMOLLETT

Plain and simple. You might be the largest P.O.S. walking right now.

This anus wipe allegedly filed a false police report and was supported, prayed over, and spotlighted on national TV to regale the world over his "racially-motivated attack". Adding fuel to the hate-America-fire, this pecker rag claimed his two men wearing MAGA hats beat him because he's African-American. A true hate crime. Upon further investigation, the stories of the two non-white suspects didn't add up. It was discovered that these two were paid $3,500, allegedly, by Smuttet to attack him. Why? Because the faker was dissatisfied over his salary on the TV show "Empire". Because $20,000 per episode isn't enough jack. Plus, he wanted to promote his career, so let's try to gain sympathy with a hot-button issue.

Dude was foolish enough to pay these two with a check. And the attackers are from Nigeria. It's like one of those reverse Nigerian email scams. WTF!?!? Well, Lassie is innocent:

"(he) is angered and devastated by recent reports that the perpetrators are individuals he is familiar with. He has now been further victimized by claims attributed to these alleged perpetrators that Jussie played a role in his own attack."

WAAAAAAAAAA! You were caught. It's called a police investigation. I'm sure, though, all the police officers involved are racists.

There are real people who have really been victims of crime, victims of hate crimes-- and never receive justice. Many suffer the emotional and physical scars of their victimization. You should hope to never experience that. It's like claiming to have an illness when you don't. Bad. Karma. But I'm sure your scheming and conniving will pay off. It did for Kaepernick-- a mediocre-at-best football player who's rolling in the $$$ because of his "beliefs".

You, J.S., are a repulsive, self-serving douche nozzle. Congrats. I didn't know who the f*ck you were until your messy "incident" happened. Now, I say your name as curse word.

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Dingbats & A Douch*bag

2/15/2019

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Offenders for the week ending February 15, 2019:

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#3 CARDI B

It's probably time to make you a Lifetime Member of the slap list, because I think you've made it three out of the past four times. She's just so airhead-ish. She's made the list several times, for saying she had butterflies in her vajayjay (uh, that's 'stomach'). to sharing her cravings for her cheating man's 'sausage', and now... thanking Tom Petty for sending her flowers after her Grammy win.

Wait. He died in 2017. Or did he?

"Thank you Tom Petty for the flowers. I left the room but the flowers were very big. I want to say thank you so much... and the beautiful note."

The note with her flowers read:

"You've got a big heart. so big it could crush this town."

Those are lyrics from the song "Walls (Circus)".

Oops. First of all, again-- he's passed. Second, I'm not sure Cardi even knows who Tom Petty is/was.

Thanks for the laughs, girl. Just keep eating that leather.

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#2 DINA LOHAN

Back in the day-- and in some cases, today-- people got married to each other via arrangement. No courting. No Tinder. No preview-the-package. Just cross your fingers and hope it would all work out. In the modern era, we usually court. Date. Bang. Whatever. This mother of Lindsay has been dating a man for five years. A man she has never met. What the AF?!? She hasn't even FaceTimed him. The Celebrity Big Brother cast member told fellow houseguests:

"I can't wait to tell you about this guy. I've been talking to him for five years... You know when you talk to someone on the phone, like you feel like you know them?"

Uh-huh. Dingbat claims he's real and the reason why they haven't met is because he cannot leave San Francisco to visit her in New York. Because he's taking care of his mother.

"I swear to you he's real. I swear, it's crazy. But i'm going to marry him. It's really, really true. I talk to his mom!"

Okay. So you can't go visit him?

We smell a Catfish here. Or, she's just delusional. Maybe a little from column A and B! If you haven't seen a "picture" of "him" and he "doesn't have an iPhone" so you can't FaceTime, yeah... true love!

I think it's safe to call this chick 50 Shades of Dumb.

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#1 DRAKE

Beefin' with Kanye. Talkin' smack about everyone. And now spittin' in the face of the Grammys. Dude took home some hardware last weekend. And as most celebs, turned his speech into a bunch of self-righteous drivel:

"It's like the first time in Grammys history where I actually am who I thought I was for a second, so I like that. I definitely did not think I was winning anything... I want to let you know we play in an opinion-based sport, not a factual-based sport. It is not the NBA, where at the end of the year you're holding a trophy because you made the right decisions or won the games."

Then he was accidentally cut off. Because he had rambled and then paused. Oh, well. In previous years, Drake has bitched about his lack of acceptance by the Grammys:

"If I ever feel like an outsider, it's usually because I'm not American... I guess maybe it has something to do with the fact that I have quite an eclectic makeup. I am mixed, I am Jewish... at the end of the day, when it comes to everything else, I'm black."

F&ck off. This country is comprised of all kinds of people. And I'm so tired of the race card. Guess what? You don't see any Asians being made famous in movies, TV or music? Guess "yellow" ain't the right color? Where's the equality? Go cry on your millions of dollars and multiple trophies about how friggin' unfair life is. Most of all, just zip your pouty lip and maybe go back to Canada!

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Sprung a Leak(es)

2/8/2019

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Offenders for the week ending February 8, 2019:

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#3 BOW WOW

You've heard that saying: "Mess with the bull, you get the horns". Perhaps that's what happened to the former child star/rapper/now grown-up-actor now known by his birth name of Shad Moss. Dude was arrested for allegedly assaulting a woman last weekend. The alleged victim and Mr. Moss-Wow sustained minor visible injuries.

"Officers were unable to determine the primary aggressor of the altercation, so both parties were charged with battery."

What is it with rappers brawling with anyone they can? Next time, just run if you can. Also, I'd go back to using "Bow Wow". Because "Shad" is too close to "shat". Unless this is the direction you're going now.

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#2 KENDALL JENNER

Widdle Kendall has admitted that she's "cried endlessly for days" over social media comments. But she's learning to get over it...

"I mean, don't get me wrong: I definitely feel, and the things people say online are very hurtful. You also just have to live your life and not pay attention to it."

Yes. Don't pay attention to the B.S. But seriously. No sympathy here. When you decided to chase the fame monster, you subconsciously agreed to to everything that comes along with it. Good and bad. But regardless, always remember that you have f*ck you money, So who cares what people think? You can buy all the ass-kissing friends you want!

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#1 NENE LEAKES, Real Housewives of Atlanta Cast Member

Loud-mouthed. Over-the-top. Pretentious. Some of the nicer words to describe Ms. Leakes. Foolish might be another one. How dare she come for the reality TV show queen, Lisa Vanderpump? Oh, no she didn't! NeNe has her Gucci panties wadded in her coochie over an alleged theft by LVP. She claims she had an idea for a restaurant in West Hollywood, called Lisa up to ask for her advice, and Lisa said it would be a bad investment. Lisa co-owns several successful restaurants in Cali, and is set to open one in Vegas.

Anywho, after shooing NeNe away-- Lisa allegedly bought the same property and opened Pump restaurant there. NeNe is not happy:

"She did some real foul sh*t to me... We're gonna get Lisa Vanderpump."

What do you mean by this exactly? You're going to sue her? For what? You got schooled. It happens. Do you know how many ideas I've had stolen from me? It ain't easy opening a restaurant. Plus, it's kind of cliche for reality TV stars to do it nowadays, but whatevs. You have clothing boutiques or something so, hang your hat on that... so to speak.

Leave the Queen alone. She's got business savvy and ultra coolness. Out of your league.

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Tattoo Fool

2/1/2019

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Offenders for the week ending February 1, 2019

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#3 TORI SPELLING

She's been ordered to pay more than $88,000 to American Express. In January of 2016, the credit card company sued her after she failed to pay up for months. In December of 2016, Tori and husband Dean McDermott were sued by City National Bank for nearly $200,000 after failing to repay a $400,000 loan.

Tori blames her childhood for her money woes, saying she was born into a lavish lifestyle as the daughter of TV producer Aaron Spelling:

"I grew up rich beyond anyone's wildest dreams. I never knew anything else. Even when I try to embrace a simpler lifestyle, I can't seem to let go of my expensive tastes."

Well, you could file for bankruptcy. Or, you could get some debt counselling. Don't they do that for formerly-rich folks? Or, you and your actor hubby could try and find other work. Or this: Stop. Spending. Money.

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#2 THE GAME

Some dudes are just stupid. Some need to get a hobby. Some stupid men need to get a hobby. The Game is one of them. Why would you want to poke the angry bear named Kanye?

The Game has regaled us with a song about his naked time back-in-the-day with Kim Kardashian:

"I held Kim Kardashian by the throat, n*gga. I made her swallow my kids until she choked, n*gga. I should apologize cause Ye my folks, n*gga."

Uhmmmm, if you know there's something you need to apologize for and do it in advance, it's still a steamy pile and still offensive! Why do these fellas feel the need to talk about whom they've banged? And whomever Kim shook genitals with pre-marriage doesn't matter. On top of this, The Game claims he's bedded three Kardashians: Kim, Khloe and Blac Chyna (who was married to Rob Kardashian, so that counts?).

Is there some club with benefits for nailing a Kardashian? Like Publishers Clearing House or a Kardashian of the Month Club? Whatevs.

The Game is a loser at the class game.

#1 ARIANA GRANDE

I love it when people try to display their inner-deep-thinker-I'm-so-evolved-zenmeister on their bodies. Because 99% of the time it's a fail. Ariana may be famous and privileged, but she couldn't escape a tattoo eff-up of epic proportions.

She intended to commemorate her new single "7 Rings". In that video, she correctly uses the Japanese kanji for the title. But when it came time to get inked, she skipped a few very-important symbols which changed the meaning to:

"shichirin" which means: "barbecue grill"

BWAAAA HAAAA HAAAA HAAAAA!

She has since removed pictures of her palm tattoo from social media. But when she was responding she said:

"It (tattoo) hurt like f*ck n still looks tight. I wouldn't have lasted one more symbol lmao."

If you can't take the pain, get out of the tattoo parlor! What if your tattoo ended up meaning: 'I f*ck squirrels in the ass" because you couldn't take the pain? Fool.

At least it wasn't some dude's name she got tattooed. But didn't she do that previously?

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Who's Your Mac-n-Cheese Daddy?

"Wolf"

Dingbats & A Douch*bag

Sprung a Leak(es)

Tattoo Fool

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