Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

Jose Cuer-no

3/19/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending March 19, 2021:

#3 KHLOE KARDASHIAN

Khloe made a goal-- reunite with her baby-daddy Tristan Thompson for his 30th birthday. Well, she did! And now she's wearing a rather large rock on that finger. Sigh. Yes, you share a 3-year-old daughter. Yes, you want to have another baby with Tbag. But... do you really trust the dude that cheated on you with your sister's best friend? He's saying and doing all the right things right now. But when he's out on the road playing ball, who's playing with his balls?

His snake cannot be caged. Nor does he want it to be. I mean, look at who's Number Two on this list as a prime example...

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#2 ALEX RODRIGUEZ

What in the actual f&ck is wrong with you!?!? You are engaged to Jennifer-Friggin'-Lopez. Four. Years. Together. And Little ARod can't stop panty sniffing. You're a complete idiot. If you're going to jeopardize your relationship, could you at least not dip your wick into the reality TV ho-bag pool? While Madison LeCroy of Southern Charm is hot, she's no JLo! Sexting some THOT for funsies is just stupid. What are you trying to prove? That you've still got it? You will always "have it" because you're ALEX RODRIGUEZ. The Dead Sea Scrolls can't contain all the women you've wanged over the years.

I'm glad you and JLo are "working it out". Y'all are most likely working out splitting your assets while she's resisting splitting your ass in half with her Louboutin-adorned foot.

Wake up! Put your c*ck on lockdown before you ruin everything...

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#1 JOSE CANSECO

This broke down, steroid-ruined asshat only tops ARod because he's just so played out. What did this fool do? He decided to throw his hat into the ring for JLo's affections. Please. After taking to Twitter to call Alex "the most predictable person on the planet", he decided to shoot his shot for Jennifer:

"(she) needs a man that's by her side 24/7... (and is) older than she is."

Age has nothing to do with ARod's wangderlust. But there's more. Jose would....

"fight for (her)..."

But...

"(I've got) two town shoulders and a bad knee."

That's so... not eloquent. Who would want your powder puff penis at this point? Madonna was already there in your prime time. And being all up in that is kind of like walking barefoot through Grand Central.

Do us all a favor. Sit down. Shut up. Disappear.

Goober

11/13/2020

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending November 13th, 2020:

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#3 LARSA PIPPEN

The ex-wife of former NBA legend Scottie Pippen is back in the spotlight after spilling her own tea on her own messy sitch with the Kardashian sisters. Guess Larsa used to be Kim's bestie, and now the entire family doesn't speak to her. And it's all Kanye's fault:

"Maybe because I blocked him on my phone because I couldn't bear taking his calls anymore... So, he turned that into, 'Oh, she's this and she's that.' They all started to ride his wave. If you're that easily swayed, like the wind, then do I really give a f&ck? Should I give a f&ck?"

Apparently you give two f&cks, because you're talking publicly about it. Then, in your little podcast confessional you said how you've been through so much with the family and you will always love them. Blah, blah, blah, and you feel like one day you can all reconcile. Methinks you opening your trap (and perhaps your legs to Khloe's on-again-off-again meat deliverer, Tristan Thompson) isn't the way to get back in there.

A phone call or good ol' fashioned letter might be more appropriate. Or better yet, take your skank ass back to Hoe Town and let it go...

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#2 CLARE CRAWLEY, former title "character" from The Bachelorette

As predicted, Clare has left her season of the reality TV show-- 4 episodes in. Because she fell in love with former NFL wide receiver Dale Moss in 4 seconds. Literally. The moment he stepped out of the limo to meet her she said he was her future husband. Yes, the two are engaged and now shopping for bi-costal homes. And of course, there are babies in the future!

What?

She is on the warp-speed path now that she's got a man on lockdown. In one of the most uncomfortable moments from this week's show, host Chris Harrison checked in with the couple and asked what was next for them. Clare quickly, and manically shouted out: "BABIES!" And then, there was silence. From Dale. And the viewing audience. We get it, Clare. You were the oldest Bachelorette at 39 and that damned bio clock is ticking loudly. But you need better game. At least play an under-the-radar-psycho and put holes in the condoms.

Run Dale. You've got skills. I was all #TeamClare, but now I'm afraid for you.

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#1 JEFFREY TOOBIN

If you recall, the writer for The New Yorker was suspended three weeks ago after he was caught opining-- actually, o-penising-- on camera during a Zoom meeting with co-workers. Yup. He was handling his Oscar Mayer. It's not that he meant to choke the chicken on camera. See, he thought he had turned it off, but... Seriously, dude. Are you a stupid, pimply teenage boy that can't wait until your meeting is over to put in your piece for the New Yanker? What inspired you during this meeting? One of your co-workers? Vurp. Anywho, Goobin and his employer have consciously uncoupled:

"I was fired today after 27 years as a Staff Writer. I will always love the magazine, will miss my colleagues, and will look forward to reading their work."

I'm sure you'll be jerkin' the gherkin while "reading their work." Seems he was trying to stroke some sympathy with his social media post. Let's see who feels sorry for this jerk (off).................................................................................................No one.

You know people are gonna forever yell "hand check" at you, don't you?

Box Off

6/14/2019

Offenders for the week ending June 14, 2019:

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#3 TRISTAN THOMPSON

Not only is Tristan a no-good, trouser wanderer, but he's the king of double standards. The former flame and baby daddy of Khloe Kardashian allegedly paid his first baby momma more than $100,000 to not date other men-- even though he was already dating Khloe. Jordan Craig said the money was to keep her "on call", and that she used the funds to care for their son and to pay back loans to her mother and sister.

Tristan started cheating with Khloe right after he discovered Jordan was pregnant. Nice.

First of all, please use contraceptives. Second, can we stop living our lives like a Lifetime movie?

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#2 GWYNETH PALTROW

This wenchbag is just looney. She's married to Brad Falchuk, but they don't live together full time. Okay... I understand separate bedrooms for the snoring issue. I understand not living full time together when one person travels a lot for business. But the reason why these two don't live together is because they're a blended family. Brad has decided to keep his home to host his children from his first marriage when it's his week. Because this is a display of true unity and true step-parenting. Not! He has two kids, Gwynie has two. It's just easier to not try.

"I mean, sometimes that piece gets complicated when there are two teenage girls. If you're not all drinking the same Kool-Aid, it can be tough. I do think, though, at the end of the day, everyone wants the same thing, which is to feel love and and be accepted."

And nothing says "I love you" by not living together as a family. Sigh. Blending families is a challenge. But the way to handle that is to work through it.

Why did you even get married?

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#1 JUSTIN BIEBER

Guess the Beebs felt he wasn't getting enough attention in the press, so let's generate some! Well, kudos for continually proving what a toolbag you truly are. For whatever reason, he decided to challenge Tom Cruise to an MMA match, saying the actor isn't that much of a badass like he is in the movies. So, he threw this down on Twitter:

"I wanna challenge Tom Cruise to a fight in the octagon. Tom if you don't take this fight your scared and you will never live it down. Who is willing to put on the fight? @danawhite?"

For all his blabbing about what a "changed" person he is, he really isn't. He's supposed to have found God and is all zen, and is all married and matured. HA HA HA HA!

Still don't understand why he's picking on Maverick. As for questioning Tom's physical abilities, it's called acting. You know, where you pretend to be a character you're not. It's not like Tom is scaling buildings or fighting with skells. He's playing a role. Plus, this is just silly. What grown man would respond to some manchild's ultimatum? And, why are you messing with the poster boy of Scientology?

They could disappear you.

Wait. That would be a good thing. Please, keep challenging Tom.

Who's Your Mac-n-Cheese Daddy?

2/28/2019

Offenders for the week ending March 1, 2019:

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#3 ROBERT KRAFT

The owner of the New (nude) England Patriots has entered (LOL) a not guilty plea to soliciting prostitution after back-to-back visits to Orchids of Asia "spa" in Jupiter, Florida. Robert, why? was your heart broken by the death of your wife and the gold-digging ways of your 39-year-old former girlfriend? Did you feel that visiting a "pro" would be drama free?

You have a gajillion dollars. You could've bought some classy, drama free, primo kitty time. Or in this case, a hands-on experience and skin flute action. You had to have known you would've been caught. The name of the spa alone puts the illegal activity on blast. Any Asian "spa" that offers table showers, massages, and body treatments will "arouse" suspicion, so to speak.

But maybe we have it all wrong. Here are two thoughts:

1. You caught Yellow Fever. There is no cure. You just need more yellow attention.
2. You are a known philanthropist. Perhaps you've become a "feel-anthropist."

Whatever the case, let's cue your theme song: "I Did it For the Nookie".

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#2 TRISTAN THOMPSON

They teach you ball control on the court, how about trying it in your pants? After getting caught cheating while your girlfriend Khloe Kardashian was preggo with your daughter, you'd think you'd think with that stuff between your ears. Apparently, that thing between your legs is the dominant force in this saga.

This lowdown, dirty butt pimple was caught with his hand in Jordyn Woods' cookie jar. Oh, Jordyn-with-a-Y is Kylie Jenner's BFF. Kylie, of course, is Khloe's sis. Ewwwwww!

The two were "making out" at someone's house party. And they may have rolled around while Jordyn was roommates with Kylie. Tristan, Tristan, Tristan. There are millions of women in the world. Why must you dip so close to home? Are you earning "frequent Kardashian rider points"? Is this some kind of six-degrees-of-Kardashian sex game?

One day, your weener is going to rebel...

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#1 JORDYN WOODS

Congratulations! You've won the Slutbag Skank Award. Why are you tops this week and Tristan isn't? Because you could've said "no" to inviting a spoken-for man's Oscar Mayer into your den of doom. Sources say:

"This is out of character for Jordyn and no one expected this to happen."

Sure. Like the old saying goes: "It takes two two tango". If half of the equation is unavailable, then the dancing can't happen. Perhaps you've taken up "snake charming" as a vocation? And Tristan's was available for practice? Way to ruin your BFF relationship, your friendship with Khloe, and now you're labeled a tramp. Maybe you want to become Kim K famous. Don't hold your breath.

Quit treating your crotch like it's a Golden Corral.

Tricky Dickies

9/28/2018

Offenders for the week ending September 28, 2018:

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#3 TRISTAN THOMPSON

This dude cannot quit the pink taco! Earlier this year, T.T. was caught in a cheating scandal. And now, guess what? He was spotted leaving a Hollywood club with two brunettes. Double dribble! Well, there's no evidence that he engaged in any no-no place activities. But... he does behave in a suspicious manner.

Things have been going groovy for Khloe Kardashian and Tristan. They moved to California for the summer so her family could spend time with their baby, Tru. The Kardashians forgave Tristan's wander wang ways, and everything was peaches and cream. (And perhaps he's getting some peaches and cream for dessert.)

Or... the reason he left the club with the two brunettes is because he's an Uber driver on the side... Or, he wants to ensure more CAVS victories. He plays better when he plays around.

#GivinRides

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#2 KANYE WEST

Kanye should go work at Wendy's, cuz he's beefin' again. This time with Drake, Nick Cannon, and Tyson Beckford. Damn! That's a triple combo meal with cheese! Mr. West had these words:

"I just want to express some tings that are not sitting right with my spirit. Now that I'm out of the sunken place, I think and just be Ye and express how I feel. There's a couple of things I want to address. First of all I want to address Nick Cannon, like, I understand that you used to date my wife, but you know, you're (giving) an interview, don't mention my wife. Don't be making no suggestions, like nobody f&cked my wife."

What? I dozed off. See, Nick said that Drake "smashed" Kim Kardashian.

Would this really be shocking? And who cares. Many a train has spilled its cargo rollin' through that tunnel.

He's mad at Tyson for saying his boo is a homophobe, and is mad at Drake for something involving his maybe-secret love child.

Did you get all that? But Kanye is an optimist:

"... all three of you all, come talk to me. Holla at me. We will work it out and come to a resolution..."

Uhm. I don't think they give a rat's Yeezy about this mess.

#ZipYoLip

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#1 BILL COSBY

In case you missed it, Mr. Roofie Rapist was sentenced to three to 10 years in prison for drugging and raping Andrea Constand. Poor convict allegedly went ballistic at his home during his sentencing phase. Basically, he was upset that his lawyers didn't do a better job defending him. So, he tried to slam his cane on his kitchen counter, missed, and almost went through the window instead.

"He had a drink of iced tea and then tried swinging it again."

BWAAA HAAAA HAAAA!

Reports indicate that Kung Fu F&ckface swings his cane often at stuff and noises because he can't see. Guess he'll have to get good with a broom handle in prison. Speaking of, Billy had a rough first day behind bars. Someone threw a stale hotdog bun at him, and he fell down a flight of steps because he's not allowed to have his cane. He told his complicit wife, Camille to:

"...grab the checkbook and hire anyone and everyone" to get him out of prison.

I can only imagine how difficult his shower situation will be. Finally, after all these years and all those victims... Some justice. This is the legacy you now leave behind, ball fuzz.

#PuddinPopInThePooper

That Other Pink Thing Is Your Brain...

4/13/2018

Offenders for the week ending April 13, 2018:

"Yah, Yah, Yah, I am Lorde..."

#3 LORDE

In our first glowing example of needing to use one's brain... Lorde posted an Instagram pic with the title "day off" with her awaiting bathtub and the caption:

"And iiiii will always love you"

Oh no, you din't! Lorde's fans were less-than-pleased with her obvious Whitney Houston death reference. In case you've forgotten, Whitney was found dead in a hotel room tub in February 2012. She suffered complications from heart disease and long-term cocaine usage and accidentally drowned.

Lorde is sorry, though:

"Extremely poorly chosen quote. I'm so sorry for offending anyone-- I hand't even put this together I was just excited to take a bath."

Girl, you wish you could sing like Whitney and have even a fraction of the career she had. Your singing sounds like a grouchy vagina in heat.

"Hay, Girlz. I'm comin' for ya!"

#2 TRISTAN THOMPSON (& KHLOE KARDASHIAN)

In our second example of upper-pink-failure... We all know you're a baller, but you don't need to show your balls off to every magic box walking around. Yes, you have money and fame and all the ladies want you. Or more like your baby for the pay day. If these fellas would actually use their brains, they'd be covert in their philandering ways-- not in NYC mackin' on an Instagram model who's looking for 20 minutes of fame. Sigh. He's been caught in video, in photos, and tawdry texts were spilled all over the internets.

Khloe K just gave birth to your baby. And speaking of Khloe-- girl, please. You've never heard the saying:

"If he'll cheat with you, he will cheat on you"

Maybe she was just looking for a donor, and maybe he was just trying to help wayward skanks. You know, give 'em a leg up...

So help us if your dramz infects the CAVS during the playoffs. Grrrrrr!

#1 TONY ROBBINS

Our primo example of thinking before speaking... This sham of a life coach needs some coaching of his own. He was recently caught on video slamming the #MeToo movement, saying women are just trying to gain significance:

"If you use the #MeToo movement to try to get significance and certainty by attacking and destroying someone else, all you've done is basically use a drug called significance to make yourself feel good."

Sure. It feels good to speak up about sexual extortion or abuse. Glad you are here to show us the way, queef fondler.

A woman in the audience challenged Robbins, but was cut off. Then, he said that men are afraid of hiring attractive women because of the movement. Yup. We've been waiting for this precise moment in our history to exact our revenge because not all of us want to touch random penises.

But he's sorry:

"Sometimes, the teacher has to become the student and it is clear that I still have much to learn. I teach that 'life happens for you, not to you' and what I've realized is that while I've dedicated my life to working with victims of abuse all over the world, I need to get connected to the brave women of #MeToo."

Kudos on your beautifully-contrived-not-heartfelt-statement from your PR department.

Here's a little somethin' for ya:

#MotivateThis #UndercoverSexist #ThisPinkWillKickYourPinkNubbinCleanOff

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

Jose Cuer-no

Goober

Box Off

Who's Your Mac-n-Cheese Daddy?

Tricky Dickies

That Other Pink Thing Is Your Brain...

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