Offenders for the week of October 12, 2015:
This week's Slapees will receive thoughts about their offenses from my dog Albert...
"I only like yellow clothing..."
#3 TAYLOR SWIFT
OFFENSE: Kinda Racist
I love me some Tay-Tay. She seems to live her life relatively scandal-free, isn't abusing herself with illicit substances, and appears to truly care about her fans. But I'm feeling she might be a tad bit racist. Why? Well, the story came out this week that her BF Calvin Harris may have enjoyed the services of a Thai massage parlor. In fact, he was caught leaving one.
Taylor called Thai massage parlors "seedy". What!?!? Just because some (most) may offer a "happy ending" doesn't make them "seedy". Perhaps those places are full service. Shouldn't your entire body get massaged? Since I'm half-Asian, I'm hurt by your dislike of yellow.
Why, oh why, Swifty? Your yellow friends have done many great things for the world. Like Zen stuff and Feng Shui-ing things. And who doesn't think Buddha is cute? And what about Hello, Kitty?
I guess I won't be a part of your Girl Squad. Whatevs.
Albert The Dog says: "I'd pee on you, but you don't like yellow. Boo."
OFFENSE: Kinda Racist
I love me some Tay-Tay. She seems to live her life relatively scandal-free, isn't abusing herself with illicit substances, and appears to truly care about her fans. But I'm feeling she might be a tad bit racist. Why? Well, the story came out this week that her BF Calvin Harris may have enjoyed the services of a Thai massage parlor. In fact, he was caught leaving one.
Taylor called Thai massage parlors "seedy". What!?!? Just because some (most) may offer a "happy ending" doesn't make them "seedy". Perhaps those places are full service. Shouldn't your entire body get massaged? Since I'm half-Asian, I'm hurt by your dislike of yellow.
Why, oh why, Swifty? Your yellow friends have done many great things for the world. Like Zen stuff and Feng Shui-ing things. And who doesn't think Buddha is cute? And what about Hello, Kitty?
I guess I won't be a part of your Girl Squad. Whatevs.
Albert The Dog says: "I'd pee on you, but you don't like yellow. Boo."
"If you got a jay-jay, you can't be the Prez..."
#2 T.I.
OFFENSE: Sexist
This ball of f*ck says he wouldn't vote for Hillary Clinton for President, because our fine nation can't handle a woman's irrational ways. Really? This douchesniffer said:
“Not to be sexist, but I can’t vote for the leader of the free world to be a woman... It’s kinda like, I just know that women make rash decisions emotionally — they make very permanent, cemented decisions — and then later, it’s kind of like it didn’t happen, or they didn’t mean for it to happen.”
And if that weren't enough he said this:
“I sure would hate to just set off a nuke. [Other leaders] will not be able to negotiate the right kinds of foreign policy; the world ain’t ready yet...I think you might be able to [get] the Loch Ness Monster elected before you could [get a woman].”
This from a dude who's had numerous drug and weapons violations. Those were well-thought decisions, I'm sure. And for the record, research has shown that women are more likely to deliberate when faced with decision-making, while a man will take rash risks.
Smoke that, T.I....
Albert The Dog says: "You smell like a steamy pile..."
OFFENSE: Sexist
This ball of f*ck says he wouldn't vote for Hillary Clinton for President, because our fine nation can't handle a woman's irrational ways. Really? This douchesniffer said:
“Not to be sexist, but I can’t vote for the leader of the free world to be a woman... It’s kinda like, I just know that women make rash decisions emotionally — they make very permanent, cemented decisions — and then later, it’s kind of like it didn’t happen, or they didn’t mean for it to happen.”
And if that weren't enough he said this:
“I sure would hate to just set off a nuke. [Other leaders] will not be able to negotiate the right kinds of foreign policy; the world ain’t ready yet...I think you might be able to [get] the Loch Ness Monster elected before you could [get a woman].”
This from a dude who's had numerous drug and weapons violations. Those were well-thought decisions, I'm sure. And for the record, research has shown that women are more likely to deliberate when faced with decision-making, while a man will take rash risks.
Smoke that, T.I....
Albert The Dog says: "You smell like a steamy pile..."
"Love me!"
#1 JENNIFER CONNELL
OFFENSE: Bitch-ist (yes, I made that up.)
This female is not a celebrity, but she's become infamous. Why? For suing her 8-year-old nephew. Four years ago when she arrived at her nephew's birthday party, he was so happy to see her, he ran and jumped into her arms. They fell, and she broke her wrist. Four years later, she's sued him for $127,000 because supposedly insurance wouldn't cover her costs. And-- she had no choice but to sue. Plus, she lives in Manhattan and it's crowded and when she goes to parties-- she can't hold an hors d'oeuvres plate! How. Awful.
This is reprehensible. Suing a child who was HAPPY to see you? It was an accident. Sorry you needed two surgeries and have medical bills! Why didn't you try to work something out with your family instead of traumatizing a boy who loves you. Soul-less C. U. Next Tuesday!
Albert The Dog says: "I wouldn't hump your leg if you were the last leg on Earth!"
OFFENSE: Bitch-ist (yes, I made that up.)
This female is not a celebrity, but she's become infamous. Why? For suing her 8-year-old nephew. Four years ago when she arrived at her nephew's birthday party, he was so happy to see her, he ran and jumped into her arms. They fell, and she broke her wrist. Four years later, she's sued him for $127,000 because supposedly insurance wouldn't cover her costs. And-- she had no choice but to sue. Plus, she lives in Manhattan and it's crowded and when she goes to parties-- she can't hold an hors d'oeuvres plate! How. Awful.
This is reprehensible. Suing a child who was HAPPY to see you? It was an accident. Sorry you needed two surgeries and have medical bills! Why didn't you try to work something out with your family instead of traumatizing a boy who loves you. Soul-less C. U. Next Tuesday!
Albert The Dog says: "I wouldn't hump your leg if you were the last leg on Earth!"
PHOTO CREDIT:
Taylor Swift https://www.flickr.com/photos/alongfortheride02/
T.I. https://www.flickr.com/photos/kicox1/
Poop https://www.flickr.com/photos/stevendepolo/
Taylor Swift https://www.flickr.com/photos/alongfortheride02/
T.I. https://www.flickr.com/photos/kicox1/
Poop https://www.flickr.com/photos/stevendepolo/
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