Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior - Haus of V

Yeezy & Skeezy

11/22/2019

Offenders for the week ending November 22, 2019:

#3 KANYE WEST

Though you've been in the line of slap fire many times, you're only getting a minimum one this time around. Your change of heart-- and soul-- and public proclamation of Faith has been surprising. And though you've been very public with your stumbling blocks to living a more Christ-like life, you are still Kanye...

While making an appearance and giving his testimony at Joel Osteen's church in Texas, Kanye declared that he is:

"... the greatest artist that God ever created."

Sigh.

#2 ANGELINA JOLIE

We all know you're a freak-a-leek, and that you have an interesting personality... but who knew how vindictive you are. Angie and Brad's children are put in the middle of their never-going-to-get-divorced situation. And now, Angie doesn't want Brad to ever see the kids.

"Brad's lost count of the times they haven't been available to see him on special occasions, like birthdays or holidays. On Halloween, Angie made no effort to organize any type of family get-together, so he had no access to the kids once again."

Why so bitter, bitch? You've accused Brad of drunkenness, abusive parenting, and a whole slew of things. Oh, and you said he forced you to get married. Really? You don't strike me as a chick who doesn't do what she doesn't want to. Hey, at least he didn't leave you for another woman like he did his first wife (Jennifer Anniston), you dirty little mistress...

But supposedly she's dating her next share-vials-of-blood-and-wear-on-our-necks victim....

#1 RAY J

Thanks, dude. Because of your sneaky secret filming of your "happy fun time" with Kim Kardashian back (door)-in-the-day we are infiltrated with Kardashians/Jenners. Apparently, being skeezy is your thing. Because your wife is throwing some massive oak tree shade your way.

Ray J posted a pic of himself, Princess Love (his pregnant wife), and their 18-month-old daughter from the BET Soul Train Music Awards in Vegas last weekend with the caption: "Thank you @bet. #SoulTrainAwards @princesslove @melodylovenorwood". Awwww turned into ohhhhh when Ms. Love posted back:

"Left me and Melody stranded in Vegas and blocked me from calling... now you wanna post family photos."

She added the LOL with tears emoji, so...

Momma said she had a car in Vegas but didn't want to drive back to Cali, all 8-months pregnant and with a toddler. I don't blame her. Unless this woman set your d*ck on fire, you have no reason to abandon her or your child.

Does the "J" in your name stand for "jerk", "jackass", "jagoff", "jackhole"?....

Jailhouse C&ck

1/4/2019

Offenders for the week ending January 4, 2019:

#3 MADONNA

In a sad need to remain top-of-mind, it appears Madge has gotten butt implants. Just in time for the New Year! Apparently, she was performing on stage at a gay club in NYC with her 13-year-old son when patrons noticed a curvier derriere. And it's obvious she didn't receive the gluteal gain from a lot of squats. Her ass looks like a mini-Minaj-- like two cantaloupes stuffed into some stretchy pants. Fans reacted:

"Looks like she has a pillow down there!"

"GOTTA be pads. GOTTA be. Right?!?!"

Others were saying that the lump was the battery pack for her in-ears. Battery packs aren't curvy.... butt.... the truth remains to be seen. Just hope she doesn't drop her pants to prove either theory. For the love of God, put your lady stuff away!

#2 KANYE WEST

I don't know why Yeezy has such a boner for Drake. Maybe it's because he's Canadian. If that's the case, okay. You live in our country's attic, basically, so just stay there. But for realz, Kanye is bent because Drake-- at one time-- followed his wife, Kimmie K, on the Insta. Well, lock him up! Kim has a gajillion followers because she's perpetually in a state of near-undress. Of course any straight man with a pulse in his crotch is gonna follow her! But there is no talking logic to Kanye:

"I never knew till this morning that Drake followed my wife on Instagram back in September. I had to bring this up because it's the most f*cked up thing of all and I just saw it this morning. Imagine having a problem with somebody and they follow your wife on Instagram."

Ohhhkaaaaay.

Drake and Kanye have been beefin' since Kanye accused Drake of trying to contact the Kardashians and allegedly threatening some kind of physical harm over revealing that Drake has a 14-year-old love-child.

My head hurts for so many reasons. But seriously, why isn't Kanye a reality show? So. Much. Material.

#1 RONNIE ORTIZ-MAGRO, "Jersey Shore" Castmember

Is it the Jersey Way to star on a reality TV show, then become a criminal? Fellow castmember Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino was sentenced to eight months in prison for tax evasion, and now his buddy might be joining him in the clink if he can't get his shizz together. Ronster is a "person of interest" in a possible burglary that happened in the wee hours of New Year's Day. At least he's finally the "interesting" one from that cast. Too bad he needed a toxic relationship and potential criminal record to make that a reality.

Ronnie and his baby-momma Jen Harley are constantly on-again, off-again. So, they were "on" on New Year's Eve, but then "off" after an argument. There was alleged destruction of property, the thieving of property, but fortunately-- no violence.

Dude, get away from the Jen-uation. She's bad news. There are plenty of other spray-tanned, big-haired, teenie-bikini shore chicks for you to "dock your canoe". And most importantly-- you are the father of an 8-month-old girl. What kind of example are you setting? A sh&tty one. Back off the 'roids and man up where it counts-- your character.

Don't let your brain become as shriveled as your nuts.

Tricky Dickies

9/28/2018

Offenders for the week ending September 28, 2018:

#3 TRISTAN THOMPSON

This dude cannot quit the pink taco! Earlier this year, T.T. was caught in a cheating scandal. And now, guess what? He was spotted leaving a Hollywood club with two brunettes. Double dribble! Well, there's no evidence that he engaged in any no-no place activities. But... he does behave in a suspicious manner.

Things have been going groovy for Khloe Kardashian and Tristan. They moved to California for the summer so her family could spend time with their baby, Tru. The Kardashians forgave Tristan's wander wang ways, and everything was peaches and cream. (And perhaps he's getting some peaches and cream for dessert.)

Or... the reason he left the club with the two brunettes is because he's an Uber driver on the side... Or, he wants to ensure more CAVS victories. He plays better when he plays around.

#GivinRides

#2 KANYE WEST

Kanye should go work at Wendy's, cuz he's beefin' again. This time with Drake, Nick Cannon, and Tyson Beckford. Damn! That's a triple combo meal with cheese! Mr. West had these words:

"I just want to express some tings that are not sitting right with my spirit. Now that I'm out of the sunken place, I think and just be Ye and express how I feel. There's a couple of things I want to address. First of all I want to address Nick Cannon, like, I understand that you used to date my wife, but you know, you're (giving) an interview, don't mention my wife. Don't be making no suggestions, like nobody f&cked my wife."

What? I dozed off. See, Nick said that Drake "smashed" Kim Kardashian.

Would this really be shocking? And who cares. Many a train has spilled its cargo rollin' through that tunnel.

He's mad at Tyson for saying his boo is a homophobe, and is mad at Drake for something involving his maybe-secret love child.

Did you get all that? But Kanye is an optimist:

"... all three of you all, come talk to me. Holla at me. We will work it out and come to a resolution..."

Uhm. I don't think they give a rat's Yeezy about this mess.

#ZipYoLip

#1 BILL COSBY

In case you missed it, Mr. Roofie Rapist was sentenced to three to 10 years in prison for drugging and raping Andrea Constand. Poor convict allegedly went ballistic at his home during his sentencing phase. Basically, he was upset that his lawyers didn't do a better job defending him. So, he tried to slam his cane on his kitchen counter, missed, and almost went through the window instead.

"He had a drink of iced tea and then tried swinging it again."

BWAAA HAAAA HAAAA!

Reports indicate that Kung Fu F&ckface swings his cane often at stuff and noises because he can't see. Guess he'll have to get good with a broom handle in prison. Speaking of, Billy had a rough first day behind bars. Someone threw a stale hotdog bun at him, and he fell down a flight of steps because he's not allowed to have his cane. He told his complicit wife, Camille to:

"...grab the checkbook and hire anyone and everyone" to get him out of prison.

I can only imagine how difficult his shower situation will be. Finally, after all these years and all those victims... Some justice. This is the legacy you now leave behind, ball fuzz.

#PuddinPopInThePooper

Pound-Her-Rosa

8/17/2018

Offenders for the week ending August 17, 2018:

#3 ISAIAH THOMAS

Somebody is letting his inner douche flag fly high. The Denver Nuggets "star" went live on the Insta naming all the cities he's played for and what he thought about them. He said he totally understands why Lebron left Cleveland, because:

"Cleveland was a sh*thole."

Like your mouth? Well, he recanted:

"Cleveland wasn't that bad... Cleveland was actually cool, it was all right. The situation wasn't the best..."

Cry me a river. You got to play ball with LeBron. Get. Over. It.

Isaiah who?

#2 KANYE WEST

He definitely has his own special brand of loco going on. In his latest track, "XTCY," Kanye shares his desire to "smash" his SILs. Not "bash" or "hit," unless those words also convey the desire to bump uglies:

"You got sick thoughts? I got more of 'em/You got a sister-in-law you would smash? I got four of them."

Vurp.

I'm sure the gals are okay with this? Your WIFE? I mean, recognizing your relatives are attractive is one thing. Feeling (in your loins) that a relative is "bangable" is, well, vomitous.

FYI: You're gonna get BPA poisoning with all those plastic vageens.

#1 OMAROSA

I've always believed this ass skank was one of the most vile creatures on this planet. And she proves me correct again with her latest stunt. I really don't know why this ball beater was ever hired to work at the White House, but that's not the gist of this analysis.

This reality TV show hack worked for 11-months within the most prestigious home in the world, was fired, then decided to write a book chronicling the "truths" of the Trump White House. She made the TV show rounds to pimp her slut, playing secret recordings and making all kinds of claims. Just like everyone else making claims.

Aside: if the President is a known racist, why would you-- of a non-white heritage-- want to work for someone who allegedly loathes you?

So sorry your book isn't a best-seller-- not. I think it's because people can see through your big ol' shade tree for the actual truth-- you got your shizz together enough to get hired, with the intent on slithering in like a snake, eating bodies whole, to gather "intel" for your let's-turn-this-book-into-a-movie-product-tv-show-moneymaker.

#FAIL

I disagree with the President calling you a dog. Because dogs are loving and loyal. You're just a psycho opportunistic assh&le.

Girl, bye!

Barred.

6/1/2018

Offenders for the week ending June 1, 2018:

#3 HARVEY WEINSTEIN

This over-inflated fat f*ck thought he was untouchable-- when it comes to karma. Cuz we all know he wanted touched. He will never change, nor learn his lesson. The proof is in the Bill Cosby-spoiled pudding: this self-absorbed c*ck munch wants an autobiography/documentary filmed about him. BWAAA HAAAA!

Before turning himself into authorities, Weenstein took several meetings with his half-baked idea-- including a person whom he helped out he past by paying that person's medical bills.

"It could be like Weiner meets 'If I Did It'. Of course, with his legal issues... this could go on forever. But someone could film him while he's going through this."

He was spotted walking into the police station with two autobiographies under his arm.

I have a great name for your mockumentary: "I, Douchebag."

#2 KANYE WEST

Two steps forward, two steps back with this one. I totally understand pushing the envelope; generating buzz. But you have to watch, because the bee can sting. Yeezy's latest gaffe-- hatin' on the late Whitney Houston. See, Kanye is producing Pusha T's new album and the two collaborated on the cover art. Well, Kanye tossed out the original agreed-upon artwork for something a little more in touch with his vision and the vibe of the album. That artwork was a photo of Whitney Houston's drug-riddled bathroom, snapped covertly in 2006.

Through all this, Pusha was okay with the new cover:

"(It) definitely does match the energy of my album."

Good(?)

"I feel like the cover represents an organized chaos. The energy of the album is a bit chaotic, but it's all in place."

And... Kanye paid $85,000 for the rights to use the picture-- supposedly to Bobby Brown's sister.

Dude. Seriously. This is so not right on so many levels. You couldn't recreate a chaotic bathroom for this? I didn't even know what Whitney's bathroom looked like when she was in the midst of her drug addiction. Why don't you just put Pusha in a tub and recreate Whitney's death like Lorde did!?!?

My hope is that Bobby flies like a bat out of Hell and roundhouse kicks you (and his tw*t waffle sister) in the head Chuck Norris-style!

#1 ROSEANNE BARR

What in the actual f&*k!?!?

I've never been a Roseanne Barr fan. I did like the first incarnation of Roseanne, and the reboot was excellent. But... social media strikes again. It's the new "I hit SEND before thinking about this email". It's so instant, and accessible, and you can't take what's out there back. Which means that every stupid thing you post can ruin lives. For whatever reason, R had to take a shot at former Obama administration advisor Valerie Jarrett on Twitter:

"muslim brotherhood & planet of the apes had a baby+vj"

Good. Lord. She blames a late night (2 am) and Ambien for her tweet.

You suck for so many reasons:

1. Keep your inside voice INSIDE. Can't you equally fight someone if you're going to fight at all? Fight politics to politics. Not looks. Plus, have you looked in a mirror-- ever!?!?

2. While I give you props for having the stones to be a public figure in Hollywood publicly supporting the President, you're not helping the other supporters. It's bad enough his supporters are being categorized as racist redneck idiots. Why add fuel to the fire?

3. You had the #1 show in all of prime time TV-- and you were picked-up for a second season. Now, it's gone. And what sucks the most is that there are crew members and your fellow actors that are without a gig. You may have eff-you money, but they don't.

Go back to Hawaii and fall into a lava lake!

To quote from Planet of the Apes: "Take your stinking paws of me, you damn dirty ape!"

Hear Ye, Hear Ye!

5/4/2018

Offenders for the week ending May 4, 2018:

#3 RONNIE ORTIZ-MAGRO

This 'roided-up overtly spray-tanned nut jockey is the epitome of classless. (Un)fortunately, there is no better reality TV show fodder than hot messes in a toxic relationship. Enter Ronnie. The Jersey Shore: Family Reunion cameras captured Ronnie questioning if he wanted a relationship with Jen Harley-- the woman who just gave birth to his child-- and, his ever-wandering ween. But we're just getting started. A social media war ensued between these two lovelies:

Ronnie: "Can't turn a natural born HOE into a HOUSEWIFE."

Jen: "Can't turn a coke head into a father! Yeahhh buddy."

First of all, baby momma, you accepted his "deposit", so.... Second, these two reproduced. Poor child. Well, Daddy RonBag is sorry for accusing his "girlfriend" of cheating.

"I want to apologize for earlier to my fans, and especially @tater-to-kitty I acted on my gut and not rationally. I should've never acted in a such a manor. My deepest apologies."

Why can't there be a shark attack on the Jersey Shore?

P.S. Tater to kitty?
P.P.S. It's "manner" not "manor."

#2 MATT LAUER

Oh, goodie! Matt Prowler has broken his months-long silence over those sexual harassment allegations against him. And he's been WRONGED!

"I have made no public comments on the many false stories from anonymous or biased sources that have been reported about me over these past several months. I remained silent in an attempt to protect my family from further embarrassment and to restore a small degree of the privacy they have lost. But defending my family now requires me to speak up. I fully acknowledge that I acted inappropriately as a husband, father and principal at NBC. However I want to make it perfectly clear that any allegations or reports of coercive, aggressive or abusive actions on my part, at any time, are absolutely false."

Riiiight. As we've seen Mr. Pudding Poop Cosby, a predator's reality is not everybody else's. So (allegedly) whipping out the wang to a co-worker was merely an innocent way of asking if there were any cream sticks in the commissary? And offering sex toys to co-workers was really just a white elephant party idea gone awry?

Thanks for "speaking out". Now go away.

You must be Egyptian, cuz you're livin' in denial. Fool.

#1 KANYE WEST

Just when Ye might be making a wee bit of sense, he goes and opens his mouth... again. Even though you've gotten a steamy pile over your comments about free-thinking and support of our President, you really stepped in it when you commented about slavery. Being a choice.

"When you hear about slavery for 400 years-- for 400 years? That sounds like a choice. Like, you was there for 400 years and it's all of y'all? It's like we're mentally in prison."

I get what you meant. But your thoughts don't flow nearly as well as your rhymes. Sigh. Well, a TMZ reporter named Van got into a verbal scuffle with Yeezy:

Now let's address Kanye's new song called "Lift Yourself". A song. About poop?

"But they don't really realize, though.
This next verse, this next verse, though?
These bars?
Watch, this some shit go:
Poopity scoop
Scoop di-di whoop!
Whoopty di-di scoop poop!"

The urban Dr. Seuss needs to zip it.

She-She... SHAME!

2/10/2017

Offenders for the week ending February 10, 2017:

This week's Slap-ees will be immortalized via rhyme...

WTF, C-N-NOT!

#3 CNN

Hey! Did ya hear that Faith Hill and The Notorious B.I.G. are teaming up for an album of duets? Yaaay!

What?

First, Biggie been done-and-gone for 20 years; and second-- that's Faith EVANS-- not Faith HILL. Well, at least you got the first name correct. Is there anything you actually get correct these days?

FYI: Faith EVANS is a singer-- so I get the mistake (insert eye roll)-- and Big's widow. You do know Biggie isn't being brought back to life via some Way-Back-In-Time Machine, and that there's this thing called TECHNOLOGY which will allow the duets to happen, right? Cuz if there were a Waaaaay Back Machine maybe we could go back in time when you had your "stuff" together. Perhaps CNN should stand for: CONCOCTED NEWS NETWORK.

Your rhyme: Eenie, meenie, miney mo
Your 'news" reporting truly blows...

Even I'm not buying my own bullsh*t...

#2 GWYNETH PALTROW

For the love of all things good...

STOP GIVING US LIFE ADVICE!!!!!!!

If we want real advice, we'd get it from an expert in said area-- not some has-been actress trying to remain relevant!

First, Gwynie hit us up with the virtues of steaming our "cookie jars." Steam. On the jay-jay. Then, it was wearing a crystal. INSIDE the aforementioned cookie jar. And now, we ladies should burn our bras by the light of the full moon to 'cleanse the negative energy of failed relationships.' Oh, but there's more! According to relationship expert Suzannah Galland, lingerie holds memories of a certain partner-- which is good during, but post breakup...no way. The residual energy is left behind making it difficult to find closure.

(With as many exes as Gwynie has had, she must've started an inferno...)

Look, if I'm burning any underwear-- it's gonna be HIS. Preferably while he's wearing them. Why can't Gwyn encounter a zen nun who convinces her that a golden muzzle and vow of silence are the way to roll?

Your rhyme: Hickory dickory dock
Won't you please run head-first into a block!?!?

He'd be awesome at the World Series...

#1 KIM KARDASHIAN

Maybe she's trying to be the supportive wife. Or she sees just another opportunity for media attention. I'm goin' with the latter, because-- DUH!

Think of past "Big Game" halftime shows that were epic: Bruce Springsteen. Prince, Bruno Mars.... and most recently, Gaga. Kimster all over social media re-tweeting fans wanting hubby Kanye to play next year. Bad idea. Really bad. C'mon, Kim! The stress alone might make him explode! Plus, why would he even be interested? He's compared performing live to fighting a war, and how it's tougher than what our police and military do. We surely don't want him getting PTSD!

(Sniff, sniff, whiny beyotch!)

And-- halftime performers don't get paid, so no big diamond for you to 'get stolen'.

P.S. Your man's arch-nemesis/enemy/sexual obsession Taylor Swift is the artist people want to see perform next. Ouchie.

Your poem: Roses are red, violets are blue
For the love of God, won't you STFU!?!?

PHOTO CREDITS:
KIM KARDASHIAN https://www.flickr.com/photos/evarinaldiphotography/
GWYNETH PALTROW https://www.flickr.com/photos/dno1967b/
FAITH HILL https://www.flickr.com/photos/32892638@N00/

All In The Family w/Some "Coins"...

10/9/2015

Celebrity offenders for the week of October 5, 2015:

This week's Slapees are given a homework assignment based on their offense...

"I meant 'happy'..."

#3 50 CENT
OFFENSE: Dense
Oh, 50! He got himself mixed-up in a gay-bashing controversy because he supposedly doesn't know how "re-posting" works. Uh-huh... See, he re-posted an Instagram post that threw shade at the TV show "Empire"'s less-than-stellar second season ratings. Part of the post said the reason is because of the show's "gay stuff".

Nice. Way to further perpetuate stereotypes and bigotry... anywho, 50's spokesperson prepared a statement saying that the "rapper" made an unfortunate mistake. Like that unfortunate mistake of a film called "Righteous Kill"?

Ouch!

Your homework assignment: Write an essay about what it's like to be a has-been... include personal anecdotes...

"I don't understand..."

#2 THE KARDASHIANS
OFFENSE: Thieves
So the Kardashians are filthy rich... and they may be filthy thieves! Wha!?!? In a recently uncovered lawsuit, Kim, Khloe, and Rob are accused of using a former client's credit card to rack up over $120 thousand in unauthorized charges! Sonja Norwood, the momager of singer Brandy and her brother Ray J (aka Kim's happy-happy-fun-time video partner), gave the fams her credit card to make a one-time purchase.

Guess they made it more than one time... Maybe they thought she meant one time each?

(in a ditzy voice) "Cuz, like, I only made one charge. And then Rob made one, and then Khloe made one. That's cool, right?"

And the topper-- these mental giants used the card at their own boutiques! Too bad this trio of twits didn't try to buy some class...

Your homework assignment: Re-create the Solar System in a shoe box... one that doesn't include any you!

"I am LEGEND! Y'all hear me!?!?"

#1 KANYE WEST
OFFENSE: The Master of Delusion
He's the Gary Busey of the music world, because what spews out of his mouth is utter non-sense. Like his latest rant that reality TV is an art form, and what a shame it is that the Kardashians haven't won Emmys for their cutting-edge visionary genius. Blah, blah, blah...

Quote: "I feel proud to be in a family that has so many people breaking ground for the generations that come..."

Reality TV, an art form? Reality TV is something we watch when we need something mindless. Plus, there's nothing real about reality TV! And... if future generations believe what Kanye is spewing-- we're all in trouble.

Your homework assignment: Fashion a blinged-out Cone of Silence... so you can talk to only yourself!

PHOTO CREDITS:
50 Cent https://www.flickr.com/photos/tigerdirect/
The Kardashians https://www.flickr.com/photos/evarinaldiphotography/
Kanye West https://www.flickr.com/photos/27620885@N02/

A Bunch of Bags...

5/22/2015

Offenders for the week of May 18, 2015:
*As a nod to the upcoming holiday weekend where people will be officially grillin' and chillin', I've concocted an adult beverage for each celeb on the list. Cheers!

"I'm a cranky jackass..."

#3 BILL O'REILLY
OFFENSE: Douchebag
This loudmouthed talking head is accused of assaulting his wife in 2010 by dragging her down a staircase-- by her neck. He claims it's false. But his daughter says she witnessed the attack.

To use your own words: Caution: You are about to enter the No-Spin Zone!

Or is your denial actually spin? Get your anger in check, frump face, or you're gonna lose whatever credibility you may have left. Let's rename your show The O'Slimy Factor.

Drink of Choice: WrinkledPlumSack Wine

(crickets) "Feel my pain.."

#2 KANYE WEST
OFFENSE: Windbag
Nice performance at the Billboard Music Awards, Yeezy. That's right. Your performance was so profane that it had to be bleeped. And it was bleeped so often that there were looooong stretches of silence. Silence, of course, which you've incessantly bitched about saying it was unecessary and unwarranted. (By the way, I'm not buying that you actually came up with those big words on your own.)

HA HA HA HA! Go eat an extra large bag for your extra large ego!

First, I applaud the tech crew. There was so much fog on stage, we could barely see your Mushmouth-ass performing your "masterpieces".

Second, and most importantly, thanks to the producers who bleeped your performance. Because silence is the best way to listen to your drivel.

Drink of Choice: Over-sized Mudslide

"So glad I'm airing this thing out..."

#1 KE$HA
OFFENSE: Wenchbag
She's definitely no longer in touch with the common folk. The pop star who lovingly shared her weight and self-image issues, glitter bombs and 5-day old makeup, and admitted to drinking her own pee is now... a complete diva bitch.

While on her tour of college campuses, the "singer" refuses to take selfies with her fans-- or sign autographs. Her handlers at least know the dealio. They told her to suck-it-up. But, their words fell on deaf ears. She even threatened to call the cops if her fans didn't stop bothering her!

Note: If you've slipped to doing a college tour, you best get your 'tude in check. Before you know it, you'll be playing the Armpit County Fair... which you'd probably enjoy because the smell of fried foods and redneck crotch sweat reminds you of Home Sweet Home. Be grateful anyone still cares about your "fine beats" and lyrical wimp-ess.

Drink of Choice: WhiteTrash Tini

PHOTO CREDIT:
Bill O'Reilly: https://www.flickr.com/photos/donkeyhotey/
Kanye West: https://www.flickr.com/photos/jasonpersse/
Ke$ha: https://www.flickr.com/photos/becky-sullivan/

You Can't Run From Stupid...

1/9/2015

Offenders for the week of January 5, 2015:

#3 MADONNA
OFFENSE: Unoriginal
Last century, Madonna was cutting-edge; provocative; ingenious. Presently, not. So. Much. In a series of photoshopped Instagrams, she compared herself to Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King Jr., and Bob Marley-- because they all have a rebel heart. Coincidentally, her new album is named "Rebel Heart." See what she did there? What a joke. Mandela and King are known for fighting against horrible injustices. You, on the other hand, are known for spreading your legs and exposing your elephant-ear-crotchola and proudly 'bobbin' cob' for your record deal. So not comparable. The only struggle you face is how to remain relevant. Please, take your Skeletor arms and go away.

#2 REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS 'STAR' BRANDI GLANVILLE
OFFENSE: Attention whore
When she's not running her potty mouth, she's throwing drinks on people, and then trying to blame the victim-- not her own insane membrane. She tossed a drink on a co-star then, as an alleged joke, tossed another drink during an interview because she felt insulted. First of all, it's sad we've allowed this piece of used toilet paper to even become a celebrity. Second, you're indeed a crass drunkard who's made a career out of acting like a foul-mouthed slut. If someone calls you a slut (with STDs), then deal. Go roll around in a vat of penicillin and get over it. And by the way, back off the plastic surgery. A goat's bung looks better than your face.

#1 THE FANS OF KANYE WEST
OFFENSE: WTF!?!?!
A small part of me, like 1/1,000,000th, wants to be a Kanye fan. Because life as a dumbass worshiping a blowhard and fawning over his every move sounds like a blissfully ignorant Utopia. Fans showered him with praise for discovering "fresh, new talent like Paul McCartney". Yeah. That Paul. The dude from the Beatles. But I'm sure his minions think I'm talking about a bug. Why don't you thank Kanye for discovering air, water, and fire while you're at it? I can't wait for Armageddon.

PHOTO CREDIT:
Madonna: https://www.flickr.com/photos/robsonsilva/
Creepy Doll: https://www.flickr.com/photos/hahayoyoo/
Kanye & Paul: https://www.flickr.com/photos/urbanboss/