Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

You Can Pick Your Friend's Nose

4/19/2019

Offenders for the week ending April 19, 2019:

#3 DINA LOHAN

Because everyone smelled a "catfish" and she finally did, too, Dina has dumped the man she was going to marry-- the she'd never met in person after five years. That hurts my head. Dina said she had gotten suspicious of Jesse Nadler. He does exist. But, he "didn't have the best intentions." What? You mean there are people out there who are ill-intended that take advantage of lesser-intelligent/desperate-for-love people? The two were going to finally meet, but they got into a fight and broke up. Or is that a lie?

"Dina was already suspicious that he was media hungry and she is in talks about doing several new shows, including a dating show... This guy wants his 15 minutes of fame-- he just proved her suspicions correct."

Again, it only took FIVE YEARS! Their relationship probably would've lasted longer had Dina not revealed his identity and their story on Celebrity Big Brother. Oh, the reason they never saw each other? She lives in NYC and he lives in Cali and is taking care of his sick momma, so he can't travel.

Here's some advice: when in doubt, keep your legs shut and your mind open.

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#2 BILLIE LEE, smaller "star" on the reality show Vanderpump Rules

FYI: The pic above is not Billie Lee. Someday, she'll be gif worth.

What a brave story of Billie Lee, budding reality TV star. Billie was in gender transition when she appeared on the show and the reality nation fell in love with her. And now, she's just a big bully. It's apparent she's trying to stir up the shizz to keep her role on the popular Bravo TV show. Unfortunately, she's throwing serious shade at her co-stars and accusing them of bias against transgendered folk-- which is a big, ol' lie. And... she's all bent because she hasn't become besties with the gals on the show.

Queen bee and fellow "star" Stassi Schroeder dishes:

"It's not that she doesn't fit, because if she tried to fit, she would. If she was actually nice and kind and friendly to us, I think she would..."

Wait. We should try to be nice to each other? And not feel entitled?

Here's some advice: all relationships are a dance, not a kidnap-you-and-throw-you-in-the-trunk kind of thing.

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#1 KAITLYN BRISTOWE

I'm not cool, so I don't know who this chick is-- other than she's gotta be famous for whatever reason. She and her boyfriend Jason Tartick (guess these two twits were on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette?) are in love. And she's decided to share way too much information with us.

The two met up after talking for a while, and after they appeared on some other reality TV show. When asked about their first hookup, she spared no detail:

"I was on my period. This is a natural thing for women. We don't have to act like it's weird. We all get our periods... So I was like, 'Yo, let's dry hump.' So we did... In five minutes, he picked my nose and gave me an orgasm. So yeah, it was good. I mean, dry humping will get you if it's been a while. Then he looks at me after and goes, 'Aw. you've got a booger.' And then he picked my nose, and I was like, 'We're it. This is happening.'"

Oh, and said orgasm was the best of her life... with Mr. Booger Picker.

I just... Please.

Here's some advice: for the love of all things sacred, don't share your bowel movements with us.

P.S. I'm sure these two will have one of those Love Toilets like on that SNL skit.

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Gangsta Becks

4/12/2019

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Offenders for the week ending April 12, 2019:

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#3 RONNIE ORTIZ-MAGRO (of Jersey Shore fame) & JEN HARLEY

These tumultuous lovers are back "on" again. The two were livin' it up in Vegas recently. They even staged a wedding at the world-famous drive-thru Tunnel of Love at the Little White Chapel as an April Fools' Day joke. No, you two are the joke. And your one-year-old child is stuck in the middle of your toxic love affair. But we're sure your reconciliation will work out this time. Not.

Let's take a trip down felonious lane: Jen was arrested last June for domestic battery. In January of this year, the two split after a massive blowout on New Year's Eve. And, Ronnie sent himself to rehab.

But as the Captain and Tennille would say "Love Will Keep Us Together." Sure. Then at least get some birth control. Please.

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#2 ALLISON MACK

The former Smallville actress and completely repugnant wenchhole has decided to plead guilty in the NXIVM sex trafficking case. NXIVM is accused of existing as a secret society of "masters" and sexually subservient "slaves". Mack was accused of recruiting these "slaves" for co-founder Keith Raniere.

The asshat actress used her fame, and her girl-next-door charm to lie to women, claiming she wanted them to become part of a female mentorship group that addresses one's weaknesses.

You deserve way more than the potential 15-year prison sentence. You deserve to be tortured on the daily. In a world where women historically have to work harder and smarter and fight for their place, you take advantage of your own gender-- and lure these victims into their own personal hell. Hope on day one of your prison stay you suffer multiple paper cuts, have salt thrown into your wounds, then you meet a couple of nice gals that don't take kindly to helping a rapist.

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#1 LORI LOUGHLIN

Congrats for being off our slapping radar to making the list for a third time this year! It's never been more fun slapping a celebrity-next-door like you! Especially since you and your hubs have been living-it-up on the town, all smiles despite your shady, bribing, cheating ways.

The latest? Aunt Becky's gettin' all gangsta. She ain't takin' no plea deal like Felicity Huffman did. Oh, no! She's going the distance. And with an additional charge of money laundering, it seems your family may be into more than designing fashion. Damn! According to the latest indictment the couple:

"... conspired to launder bribes and other payments in furtherance of the fraud by funneling them through (Rick) Singer's purported charity and his for-profit corporation, as well as by transferring money into the United States, from outside the United States, for the purpose of promoting the fraud scheme."

Rick Singer has admitted his role as the ringleader of the scam and has pleaded guilty. Get a load of this little tap-wired convo between singer and Lori:

"They're always worried about things going on in foundations." - Singer
"I see. So we, so we just, so we just have to say we made a donation to your foundation and that's it, end of story." - Lori

Here's the end of your story. No more fame. Just infamy. And some time in a cell. And this bitch slap, for one big, privileged bitch.

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Senseless Reality

4/5/2019

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Offenders for the week ending April 5, 2019:

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#3 NENE LEAKES, Real Housewives of Atlanta "star"

This wenchbag completely supports my theory that women are the dirtiest fighters, and the whole "women for women" movement is bullsh*t for most females. She calls herself the HBIC of the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Perhaps she should call herself the B.A. of Atlanta-- as in "Biggest Assh&le". Just days after her co-star, Porsha Williams, gave birth NeNe felt the urge to fat-shame her on social media:

"You lying ass big fat hungry bitch... a big piggy with a busted shape... you worry bout them extra small baby ankles you rockin! Hopefully they hold up that giant body. Try dieting!... That's something you have never been good at."

This, coming from a woman that looks like a broke-down Shrek with a bad weave. Okurr.

The rough waters between NeNe and Porsha starting flowing after an incident on the show this season where NeNe didn't want cast members or cameras in her closet. She freaked out when the ladies wanted to peak inside the the massive room she's been bragging about. Allegedly, NeNe was so out of her mind that she put her hands on pregnant Porsha to get her out of the closet.

How about you all get in the closet, and we'll padlock the door!

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#2 THOMAS RAVENEL, former Southern Charm "star"

This dude is all kinds of effed-up. He spent some quality time in a federal prison 10+ years ago for cocaine. He's faced rape allegations in the past, and he just can't stop torturing the mother of his children, Kathryn Dennis. She is 30 years his junior and is a "star" of Southern Charm. The two share 50/50 custody of their children, but after last year's one-two-rape-allegation-punch (again), Kathryn wants full custody.

Well, Thomas has and always will be, a vindictive l.O.B. As a result, Rapenel (alleged) wants full disclosure of his ex-lover's medical records. Like, full. He wants a full list of any and all prescription medications she's currently taking. And, exact dosages. And a doctor's explanation of which symptoms they're intended to treat. While Kathryn has been in rehab before, she has led what appears to be a clean life. Perhaps this bunghole pimple should check his own life instead of trying to destroy someone else's. Oh, and he should really be concerned about what's best for his kids. Which shouldn't be secondary.

His money has kept the rape allegations from turning into something more. But karma is a dish that is always served-- whether you're hungry or not.

*Note: The above gif is not Thomas, but the sentiment fits.

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#1 NICOLAS CAGE

This guy. Seriously. I'm amazed at how an Oscar-winning actor can become a joke. He's a big joke. But he's not turning it into a David Hasselhoff/William Shatner iconic life. He's just a joke! His latest guffaw? Filing for annulment from his fourth wife Erika Koike. After four days of marriage. Cuz he was crunk:

"Prior to obtaining a marriage license and participating in a marriage ceremony, (they) were both drinking to the point of intoxication. As a result of his intoxication, when (Koike) suggested they should marry, (Cage) reacted on impulse without the ability to recognize or understand the full impact of his actions."

On a Tuesday, he filed for a marriage license. On that Sunday, the license was granted and he tied the knot. That's a couple of days in between. You were drunk the entire time? Sure. Also, he didn't know she was linked to someone else romantically, and that she had a criminal record. When I think of the phrase "dumb d&ck", I think of Nicolas Cage. Sigh.

P.S. I have to give him props. His third wife is Korean. So, good taste there. But perhaps marriage is not a role you should pursue.

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Dummy Bs

3/29/2019

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Offenders for the week ending March 29, 2019:

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#3 CARDI B

I love me some Cardi B. And it has nothing to do with her music. She's a hot mess who's the queen of mis-speaking. And it's all gold. This time she makes the list for regaling us with stories of her time as a stripper. Not because she was a stripper, but the things she did as a stripper. A 3-year-old video resurfaced with this tidbit:

"I had to go strip, I had to go, 'Oh, yeah, you want to f&ck me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go back to this hotel... I drugged n&ggers and I robbed them. That's what I used to do."

Classy. But most strippers aren't Demi Moore in Striptease. In light of her felonious admission, fans starting using the hastag #SurvivngCardiB, like #SurvingRKelly. Well, Ms. B was not pleased.

"So I'm seeing on social media that a live I did 3 years ago. A live where I talked about things I had to do in my past right or wrong that I felt like I needed to do to make a living. I never claim to be perfect or come from a perfect world wit a perfect past I always speak my truth I always own my sh*t."

Bravo. But there's a difference between making a living and ripping someone off and breaking the law.

Minor detail, Cardi Bitch.

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#2 MEL B

No wonder they coined you "Scary Spice"-- cuz we're all afraid of what is going to come out of your mouth! Personal matters are meant to stay personal. Pillow talk occurs at the pillow, and should stay there. And for the love of all things sacred, if you're going to dish about what hot dishes you've eaten, then make sure all parties are okay with it!

The "B" in Mel be should stand for "bomb dropping", since she revealed in a recent interview that she once bumped muffins with fellow Spice Girl, Ginger (Geri Halliwell) Spice.

"She's going to hate me for this because she is all posh in a country house but it wasn't a 'thing.' It just happened, we just giggled at it and that was it. We were best friends. It just happened."

Fine. But don't talk about it, then say Geri won't deny the story. Guess what? She's pissed. And, Mel's own husband wishes she'd keep both sets of lips shut! Meanwhile, Mel B admitted to also kissing Sporty Spice-- but it wasn't sexual.

Can we make her Silent Spice?

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#1 OLIVIA JADE

The privileged, spoiled, delusional offspring of Lori Loughlin is now not speaking to her parents after the college cheating scandal that she's the "innocent victim" of. She's also blaming her parents for the end of her career as a... model? YouTuber? Whatever she does?

"Now that her endorsement deals have fallen through she is very upset with her parents. Olivia blames her mom and dad for this scandal and for the downfall of her career."

First, you're only famous because your parents are. You have a career because your mom's famous eggs got fertilized by your fashion designing daddy's sperm.

Second, your endorsement deals dried up because companies can only associate with assh*les for so long.

Third, if you would've given two sh*ts about college your parents wouldn't have done what they did. Wrong as it is, they love you.

And most importantly, what you do is not a career. You didn't train. You didn't study (obviously). Everything was handed to you, including your ass.

I'd shed a small tear for you, but I'm fresh out of f*cks to give. Enjoy your career of pouting.

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Becky With the Bad Move

3/22/2019

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Offenders for the week ending March 22, 2019:

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#3 SHEP ROSE, Southern Charm cast member

What is it with rich folk? Yes, they don't live in reality. Nor do the have to deal with reality. Usually. This born-into-privilege reality TV star got booted out of an event for acting a fool-- just like the rest of us! Look-- he has something in common with common toolbags!

Shep (total rich person name-- LOL) hit up The Players Championship Friday at TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Vedra Beach, FL. He had an awesome view of the 17th hole from inside the Dye Pavilion VIP tent. So, he acted like an assh*le, gettin' crunk. He was belligerent and pestering guests. If that weren't enough, he thought he'd bust-a-move-- blocking everyone's view. One woman wasn't havin' none of that mess, so she asked Shep to leave. He said no. That's when the popo came in and escort him away without incident.

For the sake of humanity and your liver, get your drinking under control!

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#2 MAMA JUNE

This creature is the reason why Americans are hated. We've glorified white trash and made her a celebrity. Yes, out of curiosity I've watched some of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and her weight loss reality show, Mama June: From Not to Hot. Yes, I regret losing precious brain cells and moments of my life that I can no longer recover. But I've learned my lesson.

This P.O.S. has bumped her "briar thicket" with a known pedophile-- a pedo that had molested one of her own daughters. And now, this wealthy P.O.S. has been charged with drug possession. Her equally repulsive boyfriend, Eugene Doak has also been charged. The two have been dating for three years, and they want to make it legal.

Perhaps they can get married in their matching orange jumpsuits.

Mama Dumb further proves that you can lose one of your necks, but you can't lose your redneck ways.

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#1 LORI LOUGHLIN

If I were Lori's attorney, I'd be telling her to STFU! The more she flaps her lips in an attempt to curry favor, the more damage she creates. First of all, she's all bent because Hallmark fired her because of her alleged college admissions cheating scandal. Hallmark is the feel-good-vanilla channel. Well, she missed John Stamos' wedding because of Hallmark. They owe her!

"They were taking Candace (Cameron Bure) and I-- all the Hallmark executives were taking us to the Super Bowl... we already committed to that."

Waaaaaah! Your privilege, again, got you somewhere not many else can go. You probably don't even like football!

Then, she opened her pie hole and tried a different approach... through a "source".

"Lori is a really great mom who is completely into her kids and family life. She lives and breathes for her husband and children... Her intentions were pure."

You know what? Let's let this one pass then. NOT! She loves her spoiled brat kids who give zero f*cks about even going to college. Her intentions may have been pure, but her (alleged) actions of paying someone to doctor test scores and photoshop pictures is cheating and illegal. A 5-year-old could tell you that those actions are wrong. With this logic, I guess I could physically slap all these offenders because my intentions to give them a "wake up call" is pure. So, no assault charge for me!

Seriously, we need to stuff a bag of sweaty ones in her mouth to shut her up. The excuse-making is insulting to those of us with sense.

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Just Buy It!

3/15/2019

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Offenders for the week ending March 15, 2019:

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#3 LISA RINNA, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Cast Member

It takes a lot for me to divorce a "Housewives" show. Like, it's never happened. Because these wenches are quite entertaining. It makes me appreciate my simple, budgeted life. In a history-making move, I've stopped watching this particular branch of the Housewives tree because the invented drama for this season is aggravating. This "doggie-gate" scandal between the housewives and Vanderpump Dogs (of Lisa Vanderpump fame) is just... ugh. One cast member adopted a dog from said organization and when the dog didn't work out for the family, she didn't return the dog-- as she was legally bound to-- she re-homed it to some woman who then put the dog in a kill-shelter.

Gasp. Yeah. It sucks. Well, it seems Lisa Vanderpump is now getting a second spinoff, Vanderpump Dogs, and Rinna thinks she should get paid. Because?

"I'm a hustler... So my feeling is if we indeed are servicing a spin off we should be paid for it."

Why? It's not your business, nor your idea, nor... anything. What legal legs do you have to stand on? Take your duck lips and go suckle off of someone else's teet.

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#2 JOSE CANSECO

Congrats to Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez on their engagement. Some people are ecstatic; others don't care. And then there's Jose. Who decided to stir the pot. He claims A-Rod is cheating on JLo with his ex-wife.

"I was there a few months back with her when he called her on the phone... Alex Rodriguez stop being a piece of sh&t stop cheating on Jennifer Lopez. Alex Rodriguez I challenge you to a boxing match or an MMA match anytime you want."

WTH? A boxing match? Why is it that celebrities always want to fight each other in the ring? Stop trying to make yourself relevant!

These two have a stormy history, but seriously. Let. It. Go. Why do you give an A-rod eff what or who he does? You're the dude that was one of many who plundered Madonna, so you should check yourself. At least JLo is classy while Madonna is the McDonald's of wang. Billions and billions serviced...

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#1 FELICITY HUFFMAN AND LORI LOUGHLIN

You two are shameful examples of why white people get a bad rap. You're privileged, wealthy losers. And so are your kids! What jacked sperm created your children that you need to lie, cheat and buy your kids into college? And your kids are out of f&cks to give about even going to college!

BWAAAAA HAAAA HAAAAA!

You've got a "Desperate Housewife" and "Aunt Becky" gettin' all hood to make sure their offspring flunks out of school. This was quite the plot to get their kids into college: payments in the name of charity; faking SAT scores; photo-shopping your kids into sports photos to get athletic scholarships, etc....

Couldn't you have just taken your millions and started your own school? It's repulsive that your pampered peons are admitted into colleges when there are hard-working, more deserving kids that don't get a chance. Hope you two go to prison and experience the ways of the broom handle.

#OperationTw&twaffle

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Crocodile Tears

3/8/2019

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Offenders for the week ending March 11, 2019:

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#3 JORDYN WOODS

Our former #1 Slapee last week makes the list again this week because she is angry that she's being called a "homewrecker". Uhm, the strange that hooks-up with another woman's man and a breakup results is a homewrecker! Also, you're not free from absolution because you claim you "only kissed him". Again, this coochie hound (Tristan Thompson) was in a relationship with Khloe Kardashian (mother to his offspring) so kissing him is not cool. Plus, instead of making peace with KK-- you went public to proclaim your innocence. Khloe didn't take too kindly to that:

"Why are you lying @jordynwoods?? If you're going to try and save yourself by going public, INSTEAD OF CALLING ME PRIVATELY TO APOLOGIZE FIRST, at least be HONEST about your story."

Ouch. Feel the burn. Which she probably will since it's Tristan and his snake slithers often.

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#2 DANIELLE STAUB

The Real Housewives of New Jersey cast member, who's been engaged 22 times, and married thrice-- was ready to walk down the aisle just moments after the inked dried on the divorce decree from her third marriage. Head hurt yet? Mine does. This complete epitome of a basket case wisely ended her engagement... for now. Why? According to a source:

"Danielle wants to spend a little more time with her daughters as this happened very fast and caught them off guard."

It happened so fast that her grown daughters never even met the Weener of the Month. But Danielle is determined. She plans on getting married in the next week or so.

Oh, Oliver (the fiance) is a duke. So he must have money, because that's what Danielle requires. Lots of money to support her plastic life. Her third ex, Marty, was a businessman. They were married for less than two months. Apparently, Danielle has magical vajayjay to trap all these men. Or perhaps these dudes think it's the Grand Canyon-- old and well-traveled.

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#1 R. KELLY

This guy is in total denial. He truly believes his own bullshit. And he's completely repulsive. Amidst more sexual abuse charges against him, ass clown decided that he should tell his side of things on TV. In a sit-down with CBS' Gayle King, the singer is stunned that people would believe that he's a sexual predator. Because he has no past suggesting such activities.

"Why would I? How stupid would it be for R. Kelly-- with all I've been through in my way, way past-- to hold somebody, let alone four, five, six, 50?... How stupid would I be to do that?"

Your are stupid. You are sick. You are a predator. That's why you would continue to abuse women. Yes, you got away with it because your victim refused to testify. And her family was afraid to testify. Your own family, and people not even associated with you saw your recording studios equipped with private rooms and beds. And let's not forget--you married 15-year-old Aliyah! Fifteen! You knew she was 15, yet you seduced her and married her.

The "Surviving R. Kelly" docuseries about you and your shameful ways made things crystal clear. Your ex-wife shared her heart-breaking story of once being a happy, successful dancer to becoming one of your prisoners. And, your own children want nothing to do with you. P.O.S. isn't even a title worthy of all your crimes against humanity. There isn't a deepest part of Hell that would be enough torture for you.

Hopefully, you'll end up in prison. And someone will go all Old Testament on your ass.

P.S. While we're at it, pay your damn child support!

P.P.S. Stop referring to yourself in third person. Douche!

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Who's Your Mac-n-Cheese Daddy?

2/28/2019

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Offenders for the week ending March 1, 2019:

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#3 ROBERT KRAFT

The owner of the New (nude) England Patriots has entered (LOL) a not guilty plea to soliciting prostitution after back-to-back visits to Orchids of Asia "spa" in Jupiter, Florida. Robert, why? was your heart broken by the death of your wife and the gold-digging ways of your 39-year-old former girlfriend? Did you feel that visiting a "pro" would be drama free?

You have a gajillion dollars. You could've bought some classy, drama free, primo kitty time. Or in this case, a hands-on experience and skin flute action. You had to have known you would've been caught. The name of the spa alone puts the illegal activity on blast. Any Asian "spa" that offers table showers, massages, and body treatments will "arouse" suspicion, so to speak.

But maybe we have it all wrong. Here are two thoughts:

1. You caught Yellow Fever. There is no cure. You just need more yellow attention.
2. You are a known philanthropist. Perhaps you've become a "feel-anthropist."

Whatever the case, let's cue your theme song: "I Did it For the Nookie".

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#2 TRISTAN THOMPSON

They teach you ball control on the court, how about trying it in your pants? After getting caught cheating while your girlfriend Khloe Kardashian was preggo with your daughter, you'd think you'd think with that stuff between your ears. Apparently, that thing between your legs is the dominant force in this saga.

This lowdown, dirty butt pimple was caught with his hand in Jordyn Woods' cookie jar. Oh, Jordyn-with-a-Y is Kylie Jenner's BFF. Kylie, of course, is Khloe's sis. Ewwwwww!

The two were "making out" at someone's house party. And they may have rolled around while Jordyn was roommates with Kylie. Tristan, Tristan, Tristan. There are millions of women in the world. Why must you dip so close to home? Are you earning "frequent Kardashian rider points"? Is this some kind of six-degrees-of-Kardashian sex game?

One day, your weener is going to rebel...

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#1 JORDYN WOODS

Congratulations! You've won the Slutbag Skank Award. Why are you tops this week and Tristan isn't? Because you could've said "no" to inviting a spoken-for man's Oscar Mayer into your den of doom. Sources say:

"This is out of character for Jordyn and no one expected this to happen."

Sure. Like the old saying goes: "It takes two two tango". If half of the equation is unavailable, then the dancing can't happen. Perhaps you've taken up "snake charming" as a vocation? And Tristan's was available for practice? Way to ruin your BFF relationship, your friendship with Khloe, and now you're labeled a tramp. Maybe you want to become Kim K famous. Don't hold your breath.

Quit treating your crotch like it's a Golden Corral.

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"Wolf"

2/22/2019

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Offender for the week ending February 22, 2019:

It happens on a few occasions-- a person so offensive that the entire Slap is dedicated to such a vile waste of space. Welcome to the club:

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JUSSIE SMOLLETT

Plain and simple. You might be the largest P.O.S. walking right now.

This anus wipe allegedly filed a false police report and was supported, prayed over, and spotlighted on national TV to regale the world over his "racially-motivated attack". Adding fuel to the hate-America-fire, this pecker rag claimed his two men wearing MAGA hats beat him because he's African-American. A true hate crime. Upon further investigation, the stories of the two non-white suspects didn't add up. It was discovered that these two were paid $3,500, allegedly, by Smuttet to attack him. Why? Because the faker was dissatisfied over his salary on the TV show "Empire". Because $20,000 per episode isn't enough jack. Plus, he wanted to promote his career, so let's try to gain sympathy with a hot-button issue.

Dude was foolish enough to pay these two with a check. And the attackers are from Nigeria. It's like one of those reverse Nigerian email scams. WTF!?!? Well, Lassie is innocent:

"(he) is angered and devastated by recent reports that the perpetrators are individuals he is familiar with. He has now been further victimized by claims attributed to these alleged perpetrators that Jussie played a role in his own attack."

WAAAAAAAAAA! You were caught. It's called a police investigation. I'm sure, though, all the police officers involved are racists.

There are real people who have really been victims of crime, victims of hate crimes-- and never receive justice. Many suffer the emotional and physical scars of their victimization. You should hope to never experience that. It's like claiming to have an illness when you don't. Bad. Karma. But I'm sure your scheming and conniving will pay off. It did for Kaepernick-- a mediocre-at-best football player who's rolling in the $$$ because of his "beliefs".

You, J.S., are a repulsive, self-serving douche nozzle. Congrats. I didn't know who the f*ck you were until your messy "incident" happened. Now, I say your name as curse word.

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Dingbats & A Douch*bag

2/15/2019

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Offenders for the week ending February 15, 2019:

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#3 CARDI B

It's probably time to make you a Lifetime Member of the slap list, because I think you've made it three out of the past four times. She's just so airhead-ish. She's made the list several times, for saying she had butterflies in her vajayjay (uh, that's 'stomach'). to sharing her cravings for her cheating man's 'sausage', and now... thanking Tom Petty for sending her flowers after her Grammy win.

Wait. He died in 2017. Or did he?

"Thank you Tom Petty for the flowers. I left the room but the flowers were very big. I want to say thank you so much... and the beautiful note."

The note with her flowers read:

"You've got a big heart. so big it could crush this town."

Those are lyrics from the song "Walls (Circus)".

Oops. First of all, again-- he's passed. Second, I'm not sure Cardi even knows who Tom Petty is/was.

Thanks for the laughs, girl. Just keep eating that leather.

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#2 DINA LOHAN

Back in the day-- and in some cases, today-- people got married to each other via arrangement. No courting. No Tinder. No preview-the-package. Just cross your fingers and hope it would all work out. In the modern era, we usually court. Date. Bang. Whatever. This mother of Lindsay has been dating a man for five years. A man she has never met. What the AF?!? She hasn't even FaceTimed him. The Celebrity Big Brother cast member told fellow houseguests:

"I can't wait to tell you about this guy. I've been talking to him for five years... You know when you talk to someone on the phone, like you feel like you know them?"

Uh-huh. Dingbat claims he's real and the reason why they haven't met is because he cannot leave San Francisco to visit her in New York. Because he's taking care of his mother.

"I swear to you he's real. I swear, it's crazy. But i'm going to marry him. It's really, really true. I talk to his mom!"

Okay. So you can't go visit him?

We smell a Catfish here. Or, she's just delusional. Maybe a little from column A and B! If you haven't seen a "picture" of "him" and he "doesn't have an iPhone" so you can't FaceTime, yeah... true love!

I think it's safe to call this chick 50 Shades of Dumb.

via GIPHY

#1 DRAKE

Beefin' with Kanye. Talkin' smack about everyone. And now spittin' in the face of the Grammys. Dude took home some hardware last weekend. And as most celebs, turned his speech into a bunch of self-righteous drivel:

"It's like the first time in Grammys history where I actually am who I thought I was for a second, so I like that. I definitely did not think I was winning anything... I want to let you know we play in an opinion-based sport, not a factual-based sport. It is not the NBA, where at the end of the year you're holding a trophy because you made the right decisions or won the games."

Then he was accidentally cut off. Because he had rambled and then paused. Oh, well. In previous years, Drake has bitched about his lack of acceptance by the Grammys:

"If I ever feel like an outsider, it's usually because I'm not American... I guess maybe it has something to do with the fact that I have quite an eclectic makeup. I am mixed, I am Jewish... at the end of the day, when it comes to everything else, I'm black."

F&ck off. This country is comprised of all kinds of people. And I'm so tired of the race card. Guess what? You don't see any Asians being made famous in movies, TV or music? Guess "yellow" ain't the right color? Where's the equality? Go cry on your millions of dollars and multiple trophies about how friggin' unfair life is. Most of all, just zip your pouty lip and maybe go back to Canada!

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