Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

Dingbats & A Douch*bag

2/15/2019

Offenders for the week ending February 15, 2019:

#3 CARDI B

It's probably time to make you a Lifetime Member of the slap list, because I think you've made it three out of the past four times. She's just so airhead-ish. She's made the list several times, for saying she had butterflies in her vajayjay (uh, that's 'stomach'). to sharing her cravings for her cheating man's 'sausage', and now... thanking Tom Petty for sending her flowers after her Grammy win.

Wait. He died in 2017. Or did he?

"Thank you Tom Petty for the flowers. I left the room but the flowers were very big. I want to say thank you so much... and the beautiful note."

The note with her flowers read:

"You've got a big heart. so big it could crush this town."

Those are lyrics from the song "Walls (Circus)".

Oops. First of all, again-- he's passed. Second, I'm not sure Cardi even knows who Tom Petty is/was.

Thanks for the laughs, girl. Just keep eating that leather.

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#2 DINA LOHAN

Back in the day-- and in some cases, today-- people got married to each other via arrangement. No courting. No Tinder. No preview-the-package. Just cross your fingers and hope it would all work out. In the modern era, we usually court. Date. Bang. Whatever. This mother of Lindsay has been dating a man for five years. A man she has never met. What the AF?!? She hasn't even FaceTimed him. The Celebrity Big Brother cast member told fellow houseguests:

"I can't wait to tell you about this guy. I've been talking to him for five years... You know when you talk to someone on the phone, like you feel like you know them?"

Uh-huh. Dingbat claims he's real and the reason why they haven't met is because he cannot leave San Francisco to visit her in New York. Because he's taking care of his mother.

"I swear to you he's real. I swear, it's crazy. But i'm going to marry him. It's really, really true. I talk to his mom!"

Okay. So you can't go visit him?

We smell a Catfish here. Or, she's just delusional. Maybe a little from column A and B! If you haven't seen a "picture" of "him" and he "doesn't have an iPhone" so you can't FaceTime, yeah... true love!

I think it's safe to call this chick 50 Shades of Dumb.

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#1 DRAKE

Beefin' with Kanye. Talkin' smack about everyone. And now spittin' in the face of the Grammys. Dude took home some hardware last weekend. And as most celebs, turned his speech into a bunch of self-righteous drivel:

"It's like the first time in Grammys history where I actually am who I thought I was for a second, so I like that. I definitely did not think I was winning anything... I want to let you know we play in an opinion-based sport, not a factual-based sport. It is not the NBA, where at the end of the year you're holding a trophy because you made the right decisions or won the games."

Then he was accidentally cut off. Because he had rambled and then paused. Oh, well. In previous years, Drake has bitched about his lack of acceptance by the Grammys:

"If I ever feel like an outsider, it's usually because I'm not American... I guess maybe it has something to do with the fact that I have quite an eclectic makeup. I am mixed, I am Jewish... at the end of the day, when it comes to everything else, I'm black."

F&ck off. This country is comprised of all kinds of people. And I'm so tired of the race card. Guess what? You don't see any Asians being made famous in movies, TV or music? Guess "yellow" ain't the right color? Where's the equality? Go cry on your millions of dollars and multiple trophies about how friggin' unfair life is. Most of all, just zip your pouty lip and maybe go back to Canada!

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Sprung a Leak(es)

2/8/2019

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Offenders for the week ending February 8, 2019:

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#3 BOW WOW

You've heard that saying: "Mess with the bull, you get the horns". Perhaps that's what happened to the former child star/rapper/now grown-up-actor now known by his birth name of Shad Moss. Dude was arrested for allegedly assaulting a woman last weekend. The alleged victim and Mr. Moss-Wow sustained minor visible injuries.

"Officers were unable to determine the primary aggressor of the altercation, so both parties were charged with battery."

What is it with rappers brawling with anyone they can? Next time, just run if you can. Also, I'd go back to using "Bow Wow". Because "Shad" is too close to "shat". Unless this is the direction you're going now.

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#2 KENDALL JENNER

Widdle Kendall has admitted that she's "cried endlessly for days" over social media comments. But she's learning to get over it...

"I mean, don't get me wrong: I definitely feel, and the things people say online are very hurtful. You also just have to live your life and not pay attention to it."

Yes. Don't pay attention to the B.S. But seriously. No sympathy here. When you decided to chase the fame monster, you subconsciously agreed to to everything that comes along with it. Good and bad. But regardless, always remember that you have f*ck you money, So who cares what people think? You can buy all the ass-kissing friends you want!

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#1 NENE LEAKES, Real Housewives of Atlanta Cast Member

Loud-mouthed. Over-the-top. Pretentious. Some of the nicer words to describe Ms. Leakes. Foolish might be another one. How dare she come for the reality TV show queen, Lisa Vanderpump? Oh, no she didn't! NeNe has her Gucci panties wadded in her coochie over an alleged theft by LVP. She claims she had an idea for a restaurant in West Hollywood, called Lisa up to ask for her advice, and Lisa said it would be a bad investment. Lisa co-owns several successful restaurants in Cali, and is set to open one in Vegas.

Anywho, after shooing NeNe away-- Lisa allegedly bought the same property and opened Pump restaurant there. NeNe is not happy:

"She did some real foul sh*t to me... We're gonna get Lisa Vanderpump."

What do you mean by this exactly? You're going to sue her? For what? You got schooled. It happens. Do you know how many ideas I've had stolen from me? It ain't easy opening a restaurant. Plus, it's kind of cliche for reality TV stars to do it nowadays, but whatevs. You have clothing boutiques or something so, hang your hat on that... so to speak.

Leave the Queen alone. She's got business savvy and ultra coolness. Out of your league.

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Tattoo Fool

2/1/2019

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Offenders for the week ending February 1, 2019

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#3 TORI SPELLING

She's been ordered to pay more than $88,000 to American Express. In January of 2016, the credit card company sued her after she failed to pay up for months. In December of 2016, Tori and husband Dean McDermott were sued by City National Bank for nearly $200,000 after failing to repay a $400,000 loan.

Tori blames her childhood for her money woes, saying she was born into a lavish lifestyle as the daughter of TV producer Aaron Spelling:

"I grew up rich beyond anyone's wildest dreams. I never knew anything else. Even when I try to embrace a simpler lifestyle, I can't seem to let go of my expensive tastes."

Well, you could file for bankruptcy. Or, you could get some debt counselling. Don't they do that for formerly-rich folks? Or, you and your actor hubby could try and find other work. Or this: Stop. Spending. Money.

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#2 THE GAME

Some dudes are just stupid. Some need to get a hobby. Some stupid men need to get a hobby. The Game is one of them. Why would you want to poke the angry bear named Kanye?

The Game has regaled us with a song about his naked time back-in-the-day with Kim Kardashian:

"I held Kim Kardashian by the throat, n*gga. I made her swallow my kids until she choked, n*gga. I should apologize cause Ye my folks, n*gga."

Uhmmmm, if you know there's something you need to apologize for and do it in advance, it's still a steamy pile and still offensive! Why do these fellas feel the need to talk about whom they've banged? And whomever Kim shook genitals with pre-marriage doesn't matter. On top of this, The Game claims he's bedded three Kardashians: Kim, Khloe and Blac Chyna (who was married to Rob Kardashian, so that counts?).

Is there some club with benefits for nailing a Kardashian? Like Publishers Clearing House or a Kardashian of the Month Club? Whatevs.

The Game is a loser at the class game.

#1 ARIANA GRANDE

I love it when people try to display their inner-deep-thinker-I'm-so-evolved-zenmeister on their bodies. Because 99% of the time it's a fail. Ariana may be famous and privileged, but she couldn't escape a tattoo eff-up of epic proportions.

She intended to commemorate her new single "7 Rings". In that video, she correctly uses the Japanese kanji for the title. But when it came time to get inked, she skipped a few very-important symbols which changed the meaning to:

"shichirin" which means: "barbecue grill"

BWAAAA HAAAA HAAAA HAAAAA!

She has since removed pictures of her palm tattoo from social media. But when she was responding she said:

"It (tattoo) hurt like f*ck n still looks tight. I wouldn't have lasted one more symbol lmao."

If you can't take the pain, get out of the tattoo parlor! What if your tattoo ended up meaning: 'I f*ck squirrels in the ass" because you couldn't take the pain? Fool.

At least it wasn't some dude's name she got tattooed. But didn't she do that previously?

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YouBoob

1/25/2019

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Offenders for the week ending: January 25, 2019:

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#3 JOSH CHARLES

I totally forgot that this dude is/was an actor, because his most famous role was waaaay back in "Dead Poet's Society". Guess he's on a couple of TV shows? Anywho, he's a deep thinker. If you don't agree with his left wing politics, meaning you're a supporter of the President, then you suck.

"I'm so sick of this motherf*cker. Just so sick. This needs to end. F*ck him and every single person who continues to support him and his dangerous administration."

So eloquent. And hypocritical. The Left stands for all people, yet if you dare to not agree with its point of view then you open yourself to hate speech, threats, violence. Yes, let's end this danger. Sigh. So cliche.

I'm calling you out for your lack of originality. Just as sparkling as your acting career. BWAAA HAAAA HAAAAA!

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#2 CARDI B

Apparently, it's all about "the D." The hip-hop artist may soon reconcile with her lying, cheating husband. She recently admitted the thing she misses the most from her hubby is his wang. Not the relationship; not his fine parenting skills-- his ween. The same ween that he slapped some other tramp with.

Cardi B and Offset broke up in December, but then reunited in Puerto Rico two weeks later because she:

"Just had to to get f*cked. That's all."

But sources say she has a really deep love for Offset. How deep? Like, nine inches deep?

If this dude has such a magic rod, then perhaps he should have a residency in Vegas instead of you. If dude cheats on you one time, he'll do it again.

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#1 LOGAN PAUL, social media "star" and YouTube vlogger

This rich kid-turned-celebrity is the epitome of the clueless millennial. Young and unaware. And, sadly, famous for doing nothing because there are so many even-younger sheeple in this world. During one of his podcasts he was discussing something meaningless with a fellow jerk junkie.

"January is sober vegan January... It's male-only March. We're going to attempt to go gay for just one month."

Really? When so many people struggle on the daily with coming to terms with their sexuality, you're going to make it a fun game? This just further proves how vile this thing is. Last year, Paul was called out for a vlog post that showed the body of an alleged suicide victim in Japan. At that time, he was really sorry for what he did:

"It's time to start a new chapter in my life... I'm humbled and thankful to say this is just the beginning."

Of what? Your continued douchebaggery? Well, you've succeeded!

How 'bout you do something really outrageous in March-- act like a human being for an entire day! Betcha can't. Because you are the genetic compilation of every creature's colon. A royal shi*tbag.

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Could It Be, Saaatan?

1/11/2019

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Offenders for the week ending January 11, 2019:

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#3 CARDI B

This chick is a one-woman show. Her breathing air alone provides so much material. From cat-fighting with Nicki Minaj, to saying she had butterflies in her jay-jay, she's golden. This time around, she had to stop her show because of intense twerking. So intense that...

"Anyways, y'all, I need a little break. I'll be right back, I gotta take this wedgie out my ass."

And then she skipped off stage to address what was betwixt her cheeks. I wonder if the jaws of life were needed to help her out? Or does she have a personal ass-istant to address such matters?

Great way to capitalize on this, though. An endorsement with Charmin bathroom tissue.

"Your hiney's so Charmin shiny..."

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#2 JEFF BEZOS

He started Amazon from his garage, sending us boxes of joy. And it appears he couldn't keep his trouser snake out of his friend's wife's box. Whoops!

The gajillionaire is getting divorced from his wife of 25-years. Guess he wanted some south-of-the-border lovin' from TV host Lauren "Dirty?" Sanchez. Great choice. For so many reasons. Especially the one where this chick likes to high-profile date. Who better to bang than the dude who created Amazon? The pair's coupling is the main reason for Bezos' divorce. Kudos for keeping it on the DL for eight months. Not.

The two had been jetting off to exotic destinations, sending sext messages (vurp-- he's no looker), and hooking up in private estates. But this takes the prize-- a rendezvous at the same Boston hotel Jeff's family stayed at when in town for Parents Day at his son's college.

Boo.

You know Amazon's slogan: "Work hard, have fun, make history." Congrats, Skeezos, for being just another typical douche who takes-the-wood to his buddy's wife. Tacky. Classless. Maybe a porch pirate needs to snatch you off this planet.

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#1 CHRISTIAN BALE

We've been doing the slap for a number of years now. But seriously, when did Hollywood become completely un-fun and inundated with complete muff pimples!?!? There must be something in the air these people are breathing, or maybe Hollywood-types are Lizard People, cuz these folks are not rational.

At the Golden Globe Awards, Christian won for his portrayal of Dick Cheney in the film "Vice." Congrats.

During his acceptance speech is when he decided to thank Satan. If actors can insincerely thank God, why not Satan?

Well... I wouldn't want to invoke an evil entity. But that's just me. Perhaps he's already sold his soul to said entity, which would explain why he's even famous.

Is it coincidental that a man named Christian would praise the polar opposite, Satan? Perhaps you're more like Satan than Christ. There was that little incident a few years back where you were accused of assaulting your mother and sister. No Christ-like brotherly love there. Is this just a life-long need to retaliate against your birth name. If you were named Twatski, would you then be living today as a better human being?

Way to go, American A&&hole!

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Jailhouse C&ck

1/4/2019

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Offenders for the week ending January 4, 2019:

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#3 MADONNA

In a sad need to remain top-of-mind, it appears Madge has gotten butt implants. Just in time for the New Year! Apparently, she was performing on stage at a gay club in NYC with her 13-year-old son when patrons noticed a curvier derriere. And it's obvious she didn't receive the gluteal gain from a lot of squats. Her ass looks like a mini-Minaj-- like two cantaloupes stuffed into some stretchy pants. Fans reacted:

"Looks like she has a pillow down there!"

"GOTTA be pads. GOTTA be. Right?!?!"

Others were saying that the lump was the battery pack for her in-ears. Battery packs aren't curvy.... butt.... the truth remains to be seen. Just hope she doesn't drop her pants to prove either theory. For the love of God, put your lady stuff away!

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#2 KANYE WEST

I don't know why Yeezy has such a boner for Drake. Maybe it's because he's Canadian. If that's the case, okay. You live in our country's attic, basically, so just stay there. But for realz, Kanye is bent because Drake-- at one time-- followed his wife, Kimmie K, on the Insta. Well, lock him up! Kim has a gajillion followers because she's perpetually in a state of near-undress. Of course any straight man with a pulse in his crotch is gonna follow her! But there is no talking logic to Kanye:

"I never knew till this morning that Drake followed my wife on Instagram back in September. I had to bring this up because it's the most f*cked up thing of all and I just saw it this morning. Imagine having a problem with somebody and they follow your wife on Instagram."

Ohhhkaaaaay.

Drake and Kanye have been beefin' since Kanye accused Drake of trying to contact the Kardashians and allegedly threatening some kind of physical harm over revealing that Drake has a 14-year-old love-child.

My head hurts for so many reasons. But seriously, why isn't Kanye a reality show? So. Much. Material.

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#1 RONNIE ORTIZ-MAGRO, "Jersey Shore" Castmember

Is it the Jersey Way to star on a reality TV show, then become a criminal? Fellow castmember Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino was sentenced to eight months in prison for tax evasion, and now his buddy might be joining him in the clink if he can't get his shizz together. Ronster is a "person of interest" in a possible burglary that happened in the wee hours of New Year's Day. At least he's finally the "interesting" one from that cast. Too bad he needed a toxic relationship and potential criminal record to make that a reality.

Ronnie and his baby-momma Jen Harley are constantly on-again, off-again. So, they were "on" on New Year's Eve, but then "off" after an argument. There was alleged destruction of property, the thieving of property, but fortunately-- no violence.

Dude, get away from the Jen-uation. She's bad news. There are plenty of other spray-tanned, big-haired, teenie-bikini shore chicks for you to "dock your canoe". And most importantly-- you are the father of an 8-month-old girl. What kind of example are you setting? A sh&tty one. Back off the 'roids and man up where it counts-- your character.

Don't let your brain become as shriveled as your nuts.

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Life Offenders

12/14/2018

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Offenders for the week ending December 14, 2018:

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#3 KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN

John Mayer has his sights set on Kourtney. For the love of all things sacred-- don't go there! I'm not a Kardashian fan, but no one deserves John-Oscar-Mayer. The two were chatting at GQ's Men of the Year party. He was "very into" her. Yeah, and he was heard dropping lines like their crossing paths was "sweet serendipity" and that they should "meet up again soon."

Gag.

Kourtney is supposedly not feeling the Mayer (Yay!). Let's keep it that way. Stay strong. Get. Batteries.

Run from this wang as fast as you can!

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#2 TISH CYRUS

The bonds between a mom and child can be so strong. so it's so sweet that Miley Cyrus and mom Tish are close. Because they smoke weed together.

Miley had given up the green last spring. But momma encouraged her to start again. Miley was happy to be pot-free because she wanted to speak clearly while promoting her new record. But Tish must've said something awesome to change her mind.

"My mom smokes a lot of week. She's gonna be like, 'Well, I've been wanting to do a weed company so you got me started. I'll get you in, don't worry.'"

Oh, goodie. Tish wants to run a business in which she can be in charge of Quality Control? Sigh.

Who cares if you are a potter. But encouraging others to join in-- especially your child no matter what her age-- is repulsive. She was proud and happy to be off of everything, but losers love company.

Way to go, mom of the year.

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#1 NICKI MINAJ

WTF!?!? There are plenty of fish in the sea (and probs in your crotch) So why date a criminal? Especially one that is a registered sex offender!?!?

The large-assian is dating some douche named Kenneth Petty. The two made their relationship Insta official over the weekend. I can do a quickie Google search to find info on anyone. With your resources, you can't do a thorough background check?

It's one thing if you didn't know. But once you found out, why not drop him like a bad habit? Oh, because you support sex offenders. And you think it's all good. Nicki's man was convicted in 1995 of attempted rape in the first degree involving a 16-year-old girl. He was sentenced 18-to-54 months in prison. Meanwhile, Nicki's brother was found guilty in 2017 of sexually assaulting an 11-year-old. Oh-- she's also publicly supported rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine who was involved in a sexually explicit video of a 13-year-old girl.

And you've criticized Cardi B's parenting. You're a horrible human. Zip it, beyotch!

You are the company you keep, so, I guess you're okay with being a POS. Enjoy being a d*ck rag for the rest of your life.

Disgusting. Please never have kids for your man to molest.

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Leggo Your Ego

12/7/2018

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Offenders for the week ending December 7, 2018:

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#3 MADONNA

I think it's a well-established fact that you are, indeed, the Queen of Pop. You dominated for two decades and are still in the public eye-- but for more desperate reasons nowadays than for doing anything worthy. Can't you be pleased that you blazed a trail for other female artists after you? That's right. Your massive ego is just as potent as your crotch stank and has apparently squashed any rational thought.

Again, Madge is pissed at Lady Gaga-- accusing her of stealing a quote from her from the 80s. During interviews for "A Star is Born," Gaga said:

"There can be 100 people in a room and 99 of them don't believe in you, but all it takes is one who does and it just changes your whole life."

How dare she! Because 30 years ago, Madonna said:

"If there's 100 people in a room and 99 say they liked it, I only remember the one person who didn't."

Okay. But Gaga's quote spotlights the positive, while Madonna's the negative. Madonna must've been feeling neglected. Sure she's going to post some naked pics on the Insta to make herself feel better. Vurp. The comparisons between Madonna and Gaga naturally happened, like the comparisons between Mariah and Whitney when Mariah first came on the scene. It's called a reference point.

Nothing better than looking like an over-sensitive has-been...

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#2 GWYNETH PALTROW

Dear Santa... all I want for Christmas is this affront to females to STFU. Please. Apparently, she's related to Al Gore because she's crediting herself for inventing things she did not.

If you've ever done yoga, it's because she made it a "thing." WTH?

"I remember when I started doing yoga and people were like, 'What is yoga?' She's a witch. She's a freak.' Forgive me if this comes out wrong, but I went to do a yoga class in L.A. recently and the 22-year-old girl behind the counter was like, 'Have you ever done yoga before?' And I literally turned to my friend, and I was like, 'You have this job because I've done yoga before.'"

Wow! Well, I'll give ya the 'witch' part...

Gwynie reminds me of the South Park episode where all the pretentious people get high off of their own farts. Anywho, this poor 22-year-old has no idea who you are because you haven't done anything relevant since..... ? No wonder you and Madonna are scissor sisters.

Here's something I hope you invent: a yoga move in which you're able to stick your head up your own ass and disappear.

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#1 NATALIE PORTMAN

In a recent interview, Natalie took a shot at Jessica Simpson for her confusion about sexuality as a child.

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Yup. Back in the late 90s, Jessica was the chick. Jessica was also proudly vocal about being a virgin. So Natalie was confused when she saw Jessica posing in a bikini for a magazine cover.

"I remember being a teenager, and there was Jessica Simpson on the cover of a magazine saying 'I'm a virgin,' while wearing a bikini, and I was confused. Like, I don't know what this is trying to tell me as a woman, as a girl."

How 'bout nothing? That virgins don't wear sacks and hide under their beds until it's time to embrace the wang. That virgins are people, too, and sometimes they have smokin' hot bodies!

Jessica clapped back:

"I was taught to be myself and honor the different ways all women express themselves, which is why I believed then-- and believe now-- that being sexy in a bikini and being proud of my body are not synonymous with having sex.. I have made it my practice to not shame women for their choices. In this era of Time's Up and all the great work you have done for women, I encourage you to do the same.'

Boom!

Another example of these "empowering" p*ssy hat women taking shots at other women. Grrrrr.

P.S. I hate your perfume commercials.

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Windbag Beneath Our Wings

11/30/2018

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Offenders for the week ending November 30, 2018:

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#3 JUSTIN BIEBER

Perhaps he can be a Buddha for millennials after dropping this gem of wisdom:

"Love isn't always easy."

Duh. The internets were all a quivering because Justin and his new wife, Hailey Baldwin, spent their first Thanksgiving together. And it also marked the first time their families got together in one place. OMG!

"Relationships are hard and love isn't always easy but thank you Jesus for showing me how! Every day is a learning process, trying to be more like him, patient, kind, selfless, boy I got a long way! But gods grace is sufficient!"

I'm hoping this spiritual/zen Beebs sticks. You can't be a hot mess you're whole life, right? You're welcome for the preventative slap.

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#2 VICKI GUNVALSON, Real Housewives of Orange County cast member

She likes to call herself the O.G. of the O.C. because she's been on the show for its duration. Awesome! But this aging attention-whore is expert at storytelling-- damaging storytelling. Her latest victim: fellow cast member Kelly Dodd. For whatever reason during the show's reunion episode, she decided to spill some tea-- claiming that Kelly does cocaine. That went over like a lead balloon. Kelly wants Vicki gone.

"If they don't so something to Vicki how could I go back... They are running that show to the ground and hurting people's reputation and my brand!!"

Vicki, who likes to flaunt her wealth, should watch her ass. Especially if Kelly sues for slander. Vicki has spread rumors in the past about other friends on the show: Tamra's husband is gay; Shannon was beaten by her ex-husband; so-and-so's marriage is miserable, etc...

Yes, stirring up the shizz makes for good reality TV, but if you're hurling up lies, then you're damaging someone's life. We're going to change your name to Icky Fullofshit.

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#1 BETTE MIDLER

This is why I hate the entertainment business, especially the "powerful" women in the business. They preach supporting women, and uplifting fellow ovarians, and helping females get ahead... blah, blah, blah. It's bullshit, quite honestly. Hollywood women only support other women if they have the same viewpoint. If you don't, then we're going to eviscerate you in the most brutal way. We're going to say the most vile things about you publicly, then turn around and talk about how we love women!

The Meddler hates our President. I understand many people loathe him. So it makes it acceptable to loathe his wife, the First Lady, and his family. You know, guilt by association. I love how the FLOTUS is denounced for being beautiful and for having a successful career as a model. Yes, she has done many a sexy photo shoot. If I had her looks and her body, you'd bet I'd capitalize on all that while I could. But Bette ain't having it. After tweeting a photo from 2000 of Melania Trump wearing a sexy bikini while posing in an airplane cockpit, she wrote:

"The dry cleaning bill for the upholstery on Air Force One must be insane."

With the hashtag: #FLOTITS

Her own fans called her out for her venom. I recall a time in Miss AssHat's career where she was known for shaking her LOW-TITS and flab ass. When Hollywood-types open their mouths, they show how stupid they really are. Which is why politicians love them-- because they'll spread any ol' pile of lies like a good soldier.

Bette, please, find some good hormone-balancing meds and get fitted for a mouth muffler. Thanks.

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Reality Ruffian

11/16/2018

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Offenders for the week ending November 16, 2018:

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#3 MEGHAN MARKLE

NOTE: This is a preventative slap-- so pay attention, duchess. You want none of the slap hand for realz.

Apparently, Meghan's personal assistant has quit-- abruptly-- after six months of service. A source said:

"It's a real shock... Melissa is a hugely talented person. She played a pivotal role in the success of the Royal Wedding and will be missed by everyone in the Royal Household."

Except Megs, apparently. According to the recently-released book about royals entitled "Hopes and Dreams," Prince Harry is whipped by Meghan, and caters to her alleged diva ways. There are also allegations that the Queen has warned Harry that Meghan needs to mind how she speaks to staff, and that she needs to follow family protocol.

I'm sure there are some growing pains. You can take the girl out of the USA, but you can't take the USA out of her... So, if this is even remotely true... Girl, check yo self. There are already enough pressures on you. Don't add to them. Be gracious and follow protocol. But behind closed doors with no one around, get your American on!

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#2 ARIANA GRANDE

NOTE: Another preventative slap...

Ariana isn't feeling lucky in love. Her ex, Mac Miller, died of a drug overdose. And she recently called-off her engagement to SNL "funnyman" Pete Davidson.

"The past couple of years have been incredibly difficult for Ariana and she rushed into the engagement with Pete. It wasn't an easy breakup and she doesn't want to date anyone for a while so she can focus on herself instead."

Cool. She did kick her out of her place and blocked his number. Love it. I agree with the "clearing your head" and growing, and finding yourself. Once you do, things will be different. But don't become that chick who hates men, cuts off her hair, wears Crocs and no makeup, and 24/7 flannel.

The Energizer Bunny can only go so long, and hook ups get boring. Take your time and find a real man. A man that looks like a man. Acts like a man. Has the ween of a man.

via GIPHY

#1 THOMAS RAVENEL, former cast member of the reality TV show Southern Charm

Speaking of weens...

NOTE: This is a real slap. For a real tool.

Props that he's come to the defense of his baby-momma, Kathryn Dennis, who was under public attack from his on-again-off-again baby-juice-dumpster Ashley something-or-other-last-name. They were caught up in a:

"screaming match of epic proportions."

I've never watched two people more perfect for each other, and totally toxic. Like, the epitome of toxic. Anywho, Thomas was upset that Ashley publicly has claimed that Kathryn's rehab stint was just to create a story line for the show, and that she's been seen all over Charleston getting crunk.

Okay, That's fine. But yelling in public and lookin' like a crotch stain isn't the way to conduct yourself.

Then, Raven-no took a public shot at Kathryn, accusing her of using their children as subject matter for the show. Sorry, dude, that you aren't on the show anymore. Stop trying to grab headlines.

You're a convicted felon. You've been accused multiple times of possessing rape-y tendencies. And you want to run your mouth-- still? Zip it-- and your pants.

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