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COVIDIOT

3/27/2020

 
​Offenders for the week ending March 27, 2020:

via GIPHY

#3 50 CENT
There's a global pandemic happening. Sounds like the perfect time to reignite a beef with someone! Since the rapper isn't touring or working, his stay-at-home mandate is pretty much the norm, but I digress. He must've been bored when he spotted a story about his archenemies Randall Emmett and Lala Kent postponing their April 18th wedding because of uncertainty surrounding COVID-19-- and decided to go social with his thoughts:

                                        "... wasn't nobody going to this s--t anyway."

A few months ago, 50 alleged Emmett (a movie producer) owed him $1 million. So he took to the socials and called his fiance (she's a Bravo TV star) a "hoe" for admitting she was gifted a Range Rover from Randall after their first sexual encounter (a B-to-the-J). Randall has since re-paid 50, so....

Find a hobby, 50. Knit something.

P.S. Good for Lala and her skills. Seriously, tho. 

via GIPHY

#2 MADONNA
As a little girl who wanted to be known as the Asian Madonna, I say to you, Madonna-- Shut. The. F%ck. Up. The Material Mamaw recently posted what's being called a  video "sermon" while naked in a milky bathtub of floating rose petals, sharing her thoughts on COVID-19:

"That's the thing about COVID-19. It doesn't care about how rich you are, how famous you are, how funny you are. How smart you are. Where you live. What amazing stories you can tell. It's the great equalizer and what's terrible about it is what's great about it."

Yaaay, COVID-19? Please, stop sharing. We've seen it all from you, heard it all from you. Yawn. While you're at it, back off the chemical peel or whatever you did to your face. Extra shiny and smooth isn't normal.

Oh, and Botox isn't a "great equalizer". You'll never be 24 again.

via GIPHY

#1 EVANGELINE LILLY
​Selfishness at its highest. Stupidity at its highest. These phrases are all Evangeline. I'm always down for a good conspiracy theory. And even though I'm a part of the media, I "see" what goes on with it. Is COVID-19 as scary as it's portrayed? Is it just a bad case of the flu? I'm no expert. And neither is an over-paid asshat actress. She's been raving how life is still normal for her. and she ain't changing a thing (until the lockdown order). She and her children, and her immuno-compromised father-- all of whom she lives with-- give zero effs. Sure.

"I am living with my father at the moment, who has stage four leukemia. I am also immune compromised at the moment. I have two young kids. Some people value their lives over freedom, some people value freedom over their lives. We all make our choices."

Unfortunately, b*tch, you're making choices for your children and for your father when you take your skank ass outside and mingle and roam when you shouldn't. Why? #Fact-- you can be asymptomatic, but then pass on the sickness to someone else who then gets sick. Like, your two kids or your dad. 

I love my freedom. And I choose to not be a twatwaffle and do my part to chill and try to "flatten the curve".

​Perhaps Darwin will do us all a favor and find you. ASAP.

Jailhouse C&ck

1/4/2019

 
Offenders for the week ending January 4, 2019:

via GIPHY

#3 MADONNA
In a sad need to remain top-of-mind, it appears Madge has gotten butt implants. Just in time for the New Year! Apparently, she was performing on stage at a gay club in NYC with her 13-year-old son when patrons noticed a curvier derriere. And it's obvious she didn't receive the gluteal gain from a lot of squats. Her ass looks like a mini-Minaj-- like two cantaloupes stuffed into some stretchy pants. Fans reacted:

                                           "Looks like she has a pillow down there!"

                                            "GOTTA be pads. GOTTA be. Right?!?!"

Others were saying that the lump was the battery pack for her in-ears. Battery packs aren't curvy.... butt.... the truth remains to be seen. Just hope she doesn't drop her pants to prove either theory. For the love of God, put your lady stuff away!

via GIPHY

#2 KANYE WEST
I don't know why Yeezy has such a boner for Drake. Maybe it's because he's Canadian. If that's the case, okay. You live in our country's attic, basically, so just stay there. But for realz, Kanye is bent because Drake-- at one time-- followed his wife, Kimmie K, on the Insta. Well, lock him up! Kim has a gajillion followers because she's perpetually in a state of near-undress. Of course any straight man with a pulse in his crotch is gonna follow her! But there is no talking logic to Kanye:

"I never knew till this morning that Drake followed my wife on Instagram back in September. I had to bring this up because it's the most f*cked up thing of all and I just saw it this morning. Imagine having a problem with somebody and they follow your wife on Instagram."

Ohhhkaaaaay.

Drake and Kanye have been beefin' since Kanye accused Drake of trying to contact the Kardashians and allegedly threatening some kind of physical harm over revealing that Drake has a 14-year-old love-child.

My head hurts for so many reasons. But seriously, why isn't Kanye a reality show? So. Much. Material. 

via GIPHY

#1 RONNIE ORTIZ-MAGRO, "Jersey Shore" Castmember
Is it the Jersey Way to star on a reality TV show, then become a criminal? Fellow castmember Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino was sentenced to eight months in prison for tax evasion, and now his buddy might be joining him in the clink if he can't get his shizz together. Ronster is a "person of interest" in a possible burglary that happened in the wee hours of New Year's Day. At least he's finally the "interesting" one from that cast. Too bad he needed a toxic relationship and potential criminal record to make that a reality. 

Ronnie and his baby-momma Jen Harley are constantly on-again, off-again. So, they were "on" on New Year's Eve, but then "off" after an argument. There was alleged destruction of property, the thieving of property, but fortunately-- no violence. 

Dude, get away from the Jen-uation. She's bad news. There are plenty of other spray-tanned, big-haired, teenie-bikini shore chicks for you to "dock your canoe". And most importantly-- you are the father of an 8-month-old girl. What kind of example are you setting? A sh&tty one. Back off the 'roids and man up where it counts-- your character.

Don't let your brain become as shriveled as your nuts.

Leggo Your Ego

12/7/2018

 
Offenders for the week ending December 7, 2018:

via GIPHY

#3 MADONNA
I think it's a well-established fact that you are, indeed, the Queen of Pop. You dominated for two decades and are still in the public eye-- but for more desperate reasons nowadays than for doing anything worthy. Can't you be pleased that you blazed a trail for other female artists after you? That's right. Your massive ego is just as potent as your crotch stank and has apparently squashed any rational thought. 

Again, Madge is pissed at Lady Gaga-- accusing her of stealing a quote from her from the 80s. During interviews for "A Star is Born," Gaga said:

"There can be 100 people in a room and 99 of them don't believe in you, but all it takes is one who does and it just changes your whole life."

How dare she! Because 30 years ago, Madonna said:

"If there's 100 people in a room and 99 say they liked it, I only remember the one person who didn't."

Okay. But Gaga's quote spotlights the positive, while Madonna's the negative. Madonna must've been feeling neglected. Sure she's going to post some naked pics on the Insta to make herself feel better. Vurp. The comparisons between Madonna and Gaga naturally happened, like the comparisons between Mariah and Whitney when Mariah first came on the scene. It's called a reference point. 

Nothing better than looking like an over-sensitive has-been...

via GIPHY

#2 GWYNETH PALTROW
Dear Santa... all I want for Christmas is this affront to females to STFU. Please. Apparently, she's related to Al Gore because she's crediting herself for inventing things she did not. 

If you've ever done yoga, it's because she made it a "thing." WTH?

"I remember when I started doing yoga and people were like, 'What is yoga?' She's a witch. She's a freak.' Forgive me if this comes out wrong, but I went to do a yoga class in L.A. recently and the 22-year-old girl behind the counter was like, 'Have you ever done yoga before?' And I literally turned to my friend, and I was like, 'You have this job because I've done yoga before.'"

Wow! Well, I'll give ya the 'witch' part...

Gwynie reminds me of the South Park episode where all the pretentious people get high off of their own farts. Anywho, this poor 22-year-old has no idea who you are because you haven't done anything relevant since..... ? No wonder you and Madonna are scissor sisters. 

Here's something I hope you invent: a yoga move in which you're able to stick your head up your own ass and disappear. 

via GIPHY

​#1 NATALIE PORTMAN
In a recent interview, Natalie took a shot at Jessica Simpson for her confusion about sexuality as a child. 

?

Yup. Back in the late 90s, Jessica was the chick. Jessica was also proudly vocal about being a virgin. So Natalie was confused when she saw Jessica posing in a bikini for a magazine cover.

"I remember being a teenager, and there was Jessica Simpson on the cover of a magazine saying 'I'm a virgin,' while wearing a bikini, and I was confused. Like, I don't know what this is trying to tell me as a woman, as a girl."

How 'bout nothing? That virgins don't wear sacks and hide under their beds until it's time to embrace the wang. That virgins are people, too, and sometimes they have smokin' hot bodies!

Jessica clapped back:

"I was taught to be myself and honor the different ways all women express themselves, which is why I believed then-- and believe now-- that being sexy in a bikini and being proud of my body are not synonymous with having sex.. I have made it my practice to not shame women for their choices. In this era of Time's Up and all the great work you have done for women, I encourage you to do the same.'

Boom!

Another example of these "empowering" p*ssy hat women taking shots at other women. Grrrrr.

P.S. I hate your perfume commercials.

Float Like a Butterfly

2/2/2018

 
Offenders for the week ending February 2, 2018: 
Picture
"Guess what's in my coooochie?"
#3 CARDI B
There's nothing better than the sweet combo of live TV and diarrhea of the mouth. If you're unfamiliar, Cardi B is the new "it" girl to guest on whomever's song. (She currently lends her rhymes on Bruno Mars' "Finesse.") Maybe she was just so overcome with excitement when E! snagged her for some comments on the red carpet: 

"I'm feeling good, I'm feeling nervous, overwhelmed-- everything! Butterflies in my stomach... and vagina!"

Whoa!

Did she mean she was wearing a pair of those butterfly panties with the remote? Are larvae living up in that pink taco? 

Y'all better call Terminix, cuz penicillin won't be enough for an infestation. 

P.S. ​You've *almost* ruined butterflies for me...

Picture
"Everybody look at me!"
#2 MADONNA
I love handbags. But I don't love them enough to pose topless with one, even if said handbag is mostly "covering the balcony". Madonna was so excited about her Louis Vuitton Montaigne Mona Lisa Bag that she had to pop in a silver "grill", take her shirt off and pose with it. 

Just. Stop. Your "shocking" shtick is about as tired as your over-dyed hair. Yawn. 

I'm not an ageist, and I know you're proud of your body but it's like: "Oh, tapioca pudding. Again." Please. The only buttons you're pushing at this point are Life Alert.

Can't you just shock us with a picture of yourself in a potato sack? Sigh. 

P.S. You've ruined raisins for me forever...

Picture
#1 DANE COOK
I was just wondering the other day what ever happened to Dane Cook. Now I know. He's all up in a 19-year-old! 

Yup. It's just a 26-year age difference. It doesn't matter, because he is head over heels in L-O-V-E!

                                  "She's a gift. She's my best friend. She's one of a kind."

Awwwww!

Kelsi Taylor is The Dame to The Dane. I get it. You have a lot in common. You sit on the couch and watch VHS tapes of your favorite movies that you rented at Blockbuster on your Curtis Mathis console TV while she's chatting on the her rotary phone with her friends about Luke and Laura's wedding on General Hospital.... No?

At least she's helping him through his midlife re-evaluation. So who is Kelsi Taylor?

"She's a talented singer, but more importantly she's a genuine person. Check out her music to get to know her. She's gonna go far!"

DING DING DING! 

It's true love... of your still-breathing name recognition. 

Oh, Dane. Your next project should be called: "Dumb F*ck Chuck".

P.S. You're ruined schmaltz for me...

​PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

Ho, Ho.... Hef

10/23/2015

 
Offenders for the week of October 19, 2015:
This week our Slapees will receive a toy that matches their offense...
Picture
"But I love putting beef jerky in my mouth!"
#3 MADONNA
OFFENSE: Predicktable

Apparently Madge can't stay away from retro wang. She and allegedly-abusive-ex-hubby Sean Penn are sweatin' up the sheets again. How could she resist? He wrote her a letter admitting that he appreciates her "art". Is that what he calls your cookie jar? Mr. Happy Sack has been seen looking lovingly at Madonna from the front row of a couple of her shows. Plus, there's the hotel hook-ups. Madonna has said many times that Sean was/is the love of her life. Guess that story about your being tied to a chair against your will for hours one night during your marriage was... forgettable? 

It must be actually true-- crazy sex is awesome sex. 

Your toy: The Good Touch/Bad Coloring Book... and all touches from your ex are BAD!!!

Picture
"Wipe my ass with your bunny ears!"
#2 HUGH HEFNER
OFFENSE: Sad sack

Guess his virility has gone viral-- as in infectious disease. The resident Playboy Bunnies are reporting horrible living conditions and Hef's lack of... desire. 

"Most of the time all he (Hugh Hefner) wants to do is play chess with his friends and watch old films... (he) refuses to change anything in the mansion. The whole place feels like it's stuck in the 1980s."

FYI: Even in the 80s, dude was still a senior citizen...

What do you expect? He's been knockin'  boots before electricity! But seriously, Hef... update your living conditions. You can't re-live the past, so try to make your future better. Plus, aren't you tired of all the DNA samples crusting-over every square inch of your home?

Your toy: The Potty Patty Doll... so you remember where not to tinkle.

Picture
"We don't act like you humans..."
#1 DENNIS HOF
OFFENSE: Sleazy opportunist

The owner of the brothel where Lamar Odom was found unconscious after a weekend bender, is a class act. This guy has taken every single opportunity to talk about his "friend" Lamar, while promoting his various skank shacks. Khloe Kardashian asked him to be respectful and zip it, but that just made him run his mouth more. Fabulous.

How many times did you visit Lamar in the hospital? That's right-- zero. Glad to know you care so much... about your bottom line. 

Yes, you're wealthy and infamous. But you're really just a sad loser. You have to buy female attention, and males only associate with you because you have something they want. And it's not a bromance with you.  

Eat a steamy bag.

Your toy: The Cross Section Heart Model... since you're lacking one of your own.

PHOTO CREDITS:
Madonna https://www.flickr.com/photos/shankbone/
Hugh Hefner https://www.flickr.com/photos/nostri-imago/
Donkeys https://www.flickr.com/photos/verdecanyonrailroad/

You Can't Run From Stupid...

1/9/2015

 
Offenders for the week of January 5, 2015:
Picture

#3 MADONNA
OFFENSE: Unoriginal
Last century, Madonna was cutting-edge; provocative; ingenious. Presently, not. So. Much. In a series of photoshopped Instagrams, she compared herself to Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King Jr., and Bob Marley-- because they all have a rebel heart. Coincidentally, her new album is named "Rebel Heart." See what she did there? What a joke. Mandela and King are known for fighting against horrible injustices. You, on the other hand, are known for spreading your legs and exposing your elephant-ear-crotchola and proudly 'bobbin' cob' for your record deal. So not comparable. The only struggle you face is how to remain relevant. Please, take your Skeletor arms and go away.

Picture

#2 REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS 'STAR' BRANDI GLANVILLE
OFFENSE: Attention whore
When she's not running her potty mouth, she's throwing drinks on people, and then trying to blame the victim-- not her own insane membrane. She tossed a drink on a co-star then, as an alleged joke, tossed another drink during an interview because she felt insulted. First of all, it's sad we've allowed this piece of used toilet paper to even become a celebrity. Second, you're indeed a crass drunkard who's made a career out of acting like a foul-mouthed slut. If someone calls you a slut (with STDs), then deal. Go roll around in a vat of penicillin and get over it. And by the way, back off the plastic surgery. A goat's bung looks better than your face.


Picture

#1 THE FANS OF KANYE WEST
OFFENSE: WTF!?!?!

A small part of me, like 1/1,000,000th, wants to be a Kanye fan. Because life as a dumbass worshiping a blowhard and fawning over his every move sounds like a blissfully ignorant Utopia. Fans showered him with praise for discovering "fresh, new talent like Paul McCartney". Yeah. That Paul. The dude from the Beatles. But I'm sure his minions think I'm talking about a bug. Why don't you thank Kanye for discovering air, water, and fire while you're at it? I can't wait for Armageddon.


PHOTO CREDIT: 
Madonna: https://www.flickr.com/photos/robsonsilva/
Creepy Doll: https://www.flickr.com/photos/hahayoyoo/
Kanye & Paul: https://www.flickr.com/photos/urbanboss/

    About The Slap

    I lovingly call out celebs for their naughty behavior. Sometimes a 'slap' is a needed wake-up call. ;)

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