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Douchefecta

10/23/2020

 
Picture
​Offenders for the week ending in October 23, 2020:

via GIPHY

​#3 JAY CUTLER
Guess the next thing this dude will be throwing is a turd in his diaper. WAAAAAH! Former average pro QB Jay is upset that his wife has potentially moved on with another man since their divorce. Kristen Cavallari was seen smooching with comedian Jeff Dye. Oh the humanity!

                                                  "He's not happy seeing her move on."

Oh-effing-well. That's what people do after a breakup. And since you weren't really a good guy during the marriage-- all unsupportive while suckling off your wife's financial teet-- you really have nothing to say now. Zero. Plus, you're a hypocrite. Rumor has it you're taking snaps from Tomi Lahren. It's okay for you to move on, but not your wife. Example #1,005 while you reek of vinegar.

via GIPHY

#2 KELLY DODD,  Real Housewives of Orange County cast member
If only adults acted like adults and not big children. Kelly is the perfect example of this, and opening her large trap before thinking. She's a cut-you-to-the-bone mean bitch. 100. In recent slap-worthy moment, she posted a video to social media calling her ex-husband Michael a deadbeat dad. In front of their daughter. Classy.

"Jolie, aren't you glad you have a real dad like Rick Leventhal (Kelly's new husband) instead of your father, Michael, who you haven't seen in how long?"

The 13-year-old child answered it'd been 5 months. We get it. Michael is a known asshat. The two of you have literally been at each other's throats, so much so, that a restraining order was filed against you until you agreed to therapy and alcohol treatment. 

Move. On. You're remarried. Your kid already knows her father might be douche-y. But he's still her father. And-- KEEP YOUR DRAMZ OFF OF SOCIAL MEDIA. We don't need to see every little thing. But thank you. Because all of you celebrities provide so much material for me each week.

You can be classy. It's in there somewhere. Perhaps under one of your Botox-ed cheeks.

via GIPHY

#1 JAKE PAUL
I hate that we even live in a time where there is such a thing as a "YouTube Star".  But since we do, and there are...

Jake is everything that encapsulates the millennial stereotype. He's entitled. He does what he wants to do. And he's rewarded for his bad behavior by the flocks of sheeple out there. And he's got a ton of money. Which makes him even more insufferable. Dude was busted earlier this year for throwing a massive party in Calabasas. Whether you agree or not with the COVID restrictions-- they exist in Cali. And they will bust you.

Fast forward to now and he threw another party. And it was chronicled on social media. Crowds dancing. No masks. Because it's his birthday. So everyone should recognize!

What a joke. Gathering with the intention of trying to catch and spread COVID while having your birthday. Awesome. You'd think a guy who had his house raided by the FBI would be a little more careful... Wait. Since it's not confirmed you have a brain, thinking may not actually occur. 

Why can't an asteroid crash his next party?

Race-ing

6/12/2020

 
Offenders for the week ending June 12, 2020:

via GIPHY

#3 TERRY CREWS
Since our nation is spinning out of control, why not throw more fuel on the fire? Perfect idea! Terry tweeted:

"Defeating White supremacy  without White people creates Black supremacy. Equality is the truth. Like it or not, we are all in this together."

?

Because revenge is what this is all about? Domination? Not equality? I see you.

If you're not white, you're in this together. Because eliminating white makes it all better. Terry clarified things, though:

"Please know that everything I've said comes from a spirit of love and reconciliation, for the Black community first, then the world as a whole, in hopes to see a better future for Black people."

No mention of white in this tweet... 

Kudos to fellow celebs from the African-American community who questioned him. 

via GIPHY

#2 STASSI SCHROEDER (and Kristen Doute), formerly of Vanderpump Rules
No wonder why we have a growing cancer of mean girl-itist-- because that's what makes you infamous. Stassi is one of the meanest people out there. She has made millions with her diva, better-than-the-room behavior.

There's witty and snarky; And then there's Stassi. 

I don't have enough time to list all of her offensive tweets or recall all the nasty things she has said about her former cast members. The Dead Sea Scrolls are shorter. 

But she's sorry for calling police on a former African-American cast member and accusing her of being involved in a robbery. So funny! But it's all good now that you've posted a black square and are looking within yourself. You'll have more time now that you've been fired from the show that made you famous for no good reason.

via GIPHY

​#1 BRAVO TV
Yes, a "channel" isn't a celebrity, but it has created a lot of Bravo-leberties-- in the form of reality TV.  You've given fame and fortune to people who are mostly idiots. Thanks for firing Stassi and Kristen from VPR. But you should fire yourself because you encourage drama on all your shows, and reward those troublemakers with bigger paychecks. This isn't the first time Stassi has done or said anything racist or mean-spirited. She's the epitome of snark and privilege and bullsh*t. And you've let it go for years because it brings you bank and ratings. You glorify behaviors that most parents raise their children not to engage in. 

You've fired a person after 8 seasons. Bravo-- so to speak. Where were you not so long ago when Stassi bragged on Twitter that she had "Nazi Chic"? Why no conversation with her then? Because you love her unfiltered verbal vomiting. But now, sensitivities are heightened... and now you have a "conscience". Convenient.

Cancel yourself. Since cancel culture is what it's all about. 

Whinerstein

12/20/2019

 
​Offenders for the week ending December 20, 2019:

via GIPHY

#3 CARDI B
I don't begrudge anyone their fame nor their fortune. But sometimes, y'all re stupid with your money and it needs addressed. The hip-hopster gifted the man who has everything (her husband, rapper Offset) with $500,000 for Christmas. Oh, the benjis were neatly piled and stacked in the refrigerator.

"You could buy a car, you could buy more clothes, you could buy jewelry, you could buy me more Birkin bags. You could do whatever you want."

That's true. And cool. But this is the fool that cheated on you. His wandering-wang reward is more cash for the strip club? This is not okkkuurrrr.

via GIPHY

#2 LEANNE LOCKEN​, Real Housewives of Dallas Castmember 
No matter how beautiful you are, race-infused rants are ugly. It amazes me how many reality TV show folk forget that cameras are rolling and that they're mic-ed up-- because they say and do the dumbest things at times. 

For someone who spews the mantra that her fellow castmates need to mind their business because their reps could be besmirched in the charity world of Dallas, she's blind to her own advice. The rager has been called out for attacking fellow castmember Kary Brittingham's nationality (but never to her face, of course):

"Come on, Mexican! I thought you were all Mexican and strong and powerful!.. (she is a) chirpy Mexican."

You can take the girl out of the carnival (LeeAnne's backstory), but you can't take the carney out of her...

via GIPHY

#1 HARVEY WEINSTEIN
We should all take a moment to feel sorry for Harvey. No, really. That's what he wants. Because he's been wrongly portrayed as a harass-y d-bag. In a recent interview, the affront to the male gender said he's a hero to women:

"(to be remembered) for doing more professionally for women than anyone in history-- rather than the slew of sickening accusations." 


And this:

"(making more) movies directed by women and about women than any filmmaker, and I'm talking about 30 years ago. I'm not talking about now when it's vogue. I did it first! I pioneered it first!"

Thanks, Porky Pilgrim. For your pioneering. But at what cost to those women? You know, the 80+ you're accused of sexually harassing and attacking. Poor Harvey said all his good work has been forgotten. Yes, it has. You're your own ass stain on your own legacy.

Zip it, Fatukus F*ck.

Two Balls & One Sack

11/1/2019

 
​Offenders for the week ending November 1, 2019:

via GIPHY

#3 JUSTIN BIEBER
He still has fans. A lot of fans. He promised to release a new album if his Instagram post got some love:

           "If this gets 20 million likes Justin Bieber will release an album before Christmas."

Errr... did Justin refer to himself in third person? #douchemove

He's "recently had a burst of creativity" (lucky for us), but said he has no plans of touring cuz he did all that when he was a teenager and hated it. So...

How 'bout if this week's slap list gets a million "likes" you'll leave the U.S. for realzies...

via GIPHY

#2 ANDY COHEN & TERESA GIUDICE
The O.G. of Bravo TV got first dibs on interviewing Teresa and Joe Giudice-- the legal-embattled-marriage-is-sketchy couple from the Real Housewives of New Jersey. After serving his 41-month prison term for fraud, Joe was deported to Italy recently because he never became a U.S. citizen. Teresa has been on her own after serving her 15-month prison term. The two hadn't spoken in years. But then Andy stirred the pot. By recalling a prediction former castmate Caroline Manzo made many years ago: That someone (Joe) would be going away and that Teresa would divorce Joe and show her girls how to be strong. 

Slap for Teresa: for thinking and speaking out loud that you think Caroline ratted you out to the FBI because she (Caroline) has lived "that dark life". Whatever that means. Stop blaming others for your shizz. Own up to it. Even your probably-gonna-be-ex husband said he knows who ratted and it wasn't Caroline.

Slap for Andy: you should've defended Caroline. She's not a criminal. She's just a truth-preaching bulldog. Your lack of fruit bowl power won't help you woo her back to the franchise.

via GIPHY

#1 JIM EDMONDS
It wasn't surprising when news of the former baseballer and his Real Housewives of Orange County wifey announced their split. Watching their relationship on the show (when the were cast members) was painful. She was definitely his trophy wife who was struggling to co-parent his teen daughter. But she wanted babies of her own with Jim. He agreed, but wasn't around for her IVF treatments. All seemed a bit better when their first child was born, but then came the stories of his sexting other women and other dalliances while she was preggo with their twins. 

And now, Meghan accuses her Jim of extra-curricular play time with the nanny. But which one? They have four nannies and an live-in au pair. That's a lot to choose from...

It's hard to feel sorry for you Meghan. Not saying cheating is cool, cuz it's not. But dude has had two other wives? And he's on the road all the time for his job? And he's a former pro athlete? 

Now, Jim vows to make things right with Meghan because she's a wonderful woman. How will you make things right? You're incapable.

1 + 1 + 1 = his bat will be a swingin' for the honey fences whenever he gets the chance... And Jim, your on-the-road-former-star-status is not a Pootie Hall Pass.

Windbag Beneath Our Wings

11/30/2018

 
Offenders for the week ending November 30, 2018:

via GIPHY

#3 JUSTIN BIEBER
Perhaps he can be a Buddha for millennials after dropping this gem of wisdom:

                                                          "Love isn't always easy."

Duh. The internets were all a quivering because Justin and his new wife, Hailey Baldwin, spent their first Thanksgiving together. And it also marked the first time their families got together in one place. OMG! 

"Relationships are hard and love isn't always easy but thank you Jesus for showing me how! Every day is a learning process, trying to be more like him, patient, kind, selfless, boy I got a long way! But gods grace is sufficient!"

I'm hoping this spiritual/zen Beebs sticks. You can't be a hot mess you're whole life, right? You're welcome for the preventative slap.

via GIPHY

​#2 VICKI GUNVALSON, Real Housewives of Orange County cast member
She likes to call herself the O.G. of the O.C. because she's been on the show for its duration. Awesome! But this aging attention-whore is expert at storytelling-- damaging storytelling. Her latest victim: fellow cast member Kelly Dodd. For whatever reason during the show's reunion episode, she decided to spill some tea-- claiming that Kelly does cocaine. That went over like a lead balloon. Kelly wants Vicki gone.

"If they don't so something to Vicki how could I go back... They are running that show to the ground and hurting people's reputation and my brand!!"

Vicki, who likes to flaunt her wealth, should watch her ass. Especially if Kelly sues for slander. Vicki has spread rumors in the past about other friends on the show: Tamra's husband is gay; Shannon was beaten by her ex-husband; so-and-so's marriage is miserable, etc...

Yes, stirring up the shizz makes for good reality TV, but if you're hurling up lies, then you're damaging someone's life. We're going to change your name to Icky Fullofshit.

via GIPHY

#1 BETTE MIDLER
This is why I hate the entertainment business, especially the "powerful" women in the business. They preach supporting women, and uplifting fellow ovarians, and helping females get ahead... blah, blah, blah. It's bullshit, quite honestly. Hollywood women only support other women if they have the same viewpoint. If you don't, then we're going to eviscerate you in the most brutal way. We're going to say the most vile things about you publicly, then turn around and talk about how we love women! 

The Meddler hates our President. I understand many people loathe him. So it makes it acceptable to loathe his wife, the First Lady, and his family. You know, guilt by association. I love how the FLOTUS is denounced for being beautiful and for having a successful career as a model. Yes, she has done many a sexy photo shoot. If I had her looks and her body, you'd bet I'd capitalize on all that while I could. But Bette ain't having it. After tweeting a photo from 2000 of Melania Trump wearing a sexy bikini while posing in an airplane cockpit, she wrote:

                  "The dry cleaning bill for the upholstery on Air Force One must be insane." 

With the hashtag: #FLOTITS

Her own fans called her out for her venom. I recall a time in Miss AssHat's career where she was known for shaking her LOW-TITS and flab ass. When Hollywood-types open their mouths, they show how stupid they really are. Which is why politicians love them-- because they'll spread any ol' pile of lies like a good soldier.

Bette, please, find some good hormone-balancing meds and get fitted for a mouth muffler. Thanks.

    About The Slap

    I lovingly call out celebs for their naughty behavior. Sometimes a 'slap' is a needed wake-up call. ;)

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