Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

The Wang That Got Away

9/11/2020

Offenders for the week ending September 11, 2020:

#3 NAOMI CAMPBELL

Gifts are one thing. Loans are something different. So, when someone lends you money, you need to pay it back. But Mizz Brokedown Diva doesn't embrace that concept. People want their money back. Even ex-lovers. Billionaire businessman Vladislav Doronin has filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against Naomi because she refuses to pay back money he loaned her. And... she still has some of his stuff that's worth more than $3 million.

Side note: What does she have of his that's worth this much? A Golden toothbrush? Chinchilla slippers? A rando yacht?

I'm sure she's gonna plead ignorance, since he lavished her with gifts and trips during their 5-year relationship. She reportedly dumped him because he was too caught up in her celebrity life. Surrreeee....Maybe the gift you gave him something itchy on his hang-low.

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#2 JANE FONDA

It's great if you're still enjoying the baloney pony well into your twilight years. But... we don't need to hear about it. Or follow you down memory lane as you revisit your times in Schlongsville. Yeah, that means you, Jane Fonda. During an interview with The New York Times, she denied that Argentine revolutionary Che Guevara was "the one that got away" sexually. Gag. Her actual deepest regret?

Marvin Gaye

You know, Mr. Sexual Healing. She said:

"He wanted to and I didn't."

Because she was married at the time. Kudos for having somewhat of a moral compass, though I'll never forgive you protesting our soldiers who fought in Vietnam. Bitch. Anwyho... this final crusty nugget:

Nobody wants to even imagine your DAP (Dusty Ass P&ssy). Bye!

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#1 JUAN PABLO, former The Bachelor bachelor

Never having watched his season, but hearing all about him-- I completely understand why he's considered the franchise's biggest villain. He's the entire bag of small, sweaty dicks. He had to take to social media to slam the promo for Clare Crawley's season of The Bachelorette because it features footage from his season. The season in which Clare sprouted a pair and put this douchebag back in the Summer's Eve box.

"Interesting PROMO of @Clare_Crawley and the season of@BacheloretteABC, 6 years LATER and I know WHO is the Juan that can't get OVER Juan...Would LOVE if you take a GUESS? P.S: Clare got over LONG time ago, just in CASE."

WTF is this tweet with all the rando ALL CAPS!?!?!?

Lemme translate: Juan Pricko thinks Clare is still in love with him. BWAAAA HAAAAA HAAAAA! She told you to sit down after you told her that you didn't love her, but loved "f&cking her". So, she walked away from the show as one of the finalists because you're a dirty Juan.

Mic drop.

Quaranweenie

3/20/2020

Offenders for the week ending March 20, 2020:

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#3 TAMRA JUDGE, former Real Housewives of Orange County cast member

Grown people aren't necessarily grown-- as in mature. And Tamara has always been one to prove it. She took to social media (of course) to blast follow cast member and now former friend Shannon Beador for re-kindling a friendship with Kelly Dodd-- current cast member and perpetual nasty shade thrower.

"Fake friends are like a shadow. They follow you in the sun but leave you in the dark."

That was followed up with an unfollow of Shannon.

You're a grandmother. Not a high schooler. Mending fences is something we should try to do, right?

Perhaps you're angry that you were fired from the show, er, "decided to leave" the show. But Kelly and Shannon are still taking home that big paycheck... Hmmmm...

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#2 JUAN PABLO GALAVIS, former The Bachelor contestant

Proving you can't keep a dick down, Juan Pablo has opened his mouth to fit both of his feet into. He was known as the villain of the entire franchise (until Barb Weber took his crown), and he's proving why he earned that title and why he's a complete cooch donkey. He can't stop throwing shade at the new Bachelorette Clare Crawley-- the runner up on his season of The Bachelor.

Why? Because 22 of her potential suitors are in their 20s, and she's making headlines for being 38 and looking for love. He tweeted:

"I just SAW the GUYS for @Clare_Crawley Bachelorette season and its gonna be INTERESTING seeing HER get hit on by KIDS on their 20s. I think this MIGHT be the 3rd season Im gonna watch."

Clare responded: "And yet here you are, older than 99% of them and still can't practice compassion and kindness."

Ouch.

You're just upset that she told you what's-what on your season. Burn...

P.S. ABC is recruiting more age-appropriate fellas for Clare. Happy?

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#1 GWYNETH PALTROW

If you're gonna get COVID-19, you might as well look fresh and fab! Gwynie takin' heat for being "tone deaf" in the midst of this pandemic because GOOP just had to push their annual "fresh sneaker guide," while other lifestyle gurus (self-proclaimed like G or actual real ones) are trying to bestow upon us valuable information/tips/ideas. From her Instagram:

"Most days you'll find GP wearing G.Label with a pair of sneakers-- which is one reason we make it an annual tradition to put together a fresh sneaker guide each year. Get ready to cover some serious ground (run, don't walk.)"

Sigh. Can I get a roll of toilet paper with each shoe at least?

Perhaps your snazzy sneaks can get you into Wuhan. Seems like a good place for a GOOP-er to vacay...

Maybe her brain has been quarantined... permanently.

The Wang That Got Away

Quaranweenie

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