Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior - Haus of V

Mani Above All Else

9/27/2019

Offenders for the week ending September 27, 2019:

#3 ASHTON KUTCHER

Demi Moore has written a scathing autobiography, and girl is spillin' all the tea! In fact, she blames threesomes for her divorce from Ashton Kutcher:

"I wanted to show him how great and fun I could be."

Uhmmm... there are other ways to show your "fun side". Guess Ashton used the three-play as a free pass to cheat. You know, since he technically "cheated" in said threesome.

Demi, you get slapped for a poor decision. Ashton, you get slapped for being an asshat.

#2 MILEY CYRUS

What in the af are you doing? You break up your marriage with the person you considered to be your best chance at "for life" partner status for Kaitlynn Carter-- only to break up with her a month later. I could care less if you love a man, a woman, a sheep. But you're irresponsible with your vaj. breaking hearts and spanking asses ain't the way to live-- unless you're a dominatrix. Weren't you a dom at one point? Anywho, guess this is no longer true:

"Miley and Kaitlynn are on the same page, which is why they work so well together. (Miley) can totally be herself with Kaitlynn."

Rumor has it that things were getting too serious and Miley didn't want that. Please, Cyrus Virus. Seal that vault between your legs.

#1 KIM KARDASHIAN

When they call childbirth a "miracle" it's because it is. Because so many things can go wrong for conception to world entry. But, some people are too superficial and shallow to think-- at all. It came out recently that Kimmie delayed her first child's birth by two hours because she needed to get a manicure. What in the af?!?

While eating a McGriddle and getting a bikini wax, her doc called her and said she had to deliver North immediately because Kim had preeclampsia. But then she looked down at her nails and just couldn't deliver her baby in such sub-fab conditions!

"And my nails were, like, dark. It was when I was still in my Lincoln Park After Dark phase of nails or like my Burgundy nails. And I was like, 'Oh, no no, I'm having a girl. I really need a nice light pink nail for delivery.' So I told the doctor, 'Are you sure I have to deliver right now? Can you give me like two hours?' And he was like, 'Fine, meet me in two hours.'"

I mean, we get it. Your appearance is far more important than your health or your baby's. NOT! Who the f*ck is looking at your hands during delivery!?!?!? And since you're the queen of Photoshop, one of your lackey's could've changed your nail color.

Not only is this true-life story completely asinine, but you have no clue at what a vapid dumbass you really are.

Tattoo Fool

2/1/2019

Offenders for the week ending February 1, 2019

#3 TORI SPELLING

She's been ordered to pay more than $88,000 to American Express. In January of 2016, the credit card company sued her after she failed to pay up for months. In December of 2016, Tori and husband Dean McDermott were sued by City National Bank for nearly $200,000 after failing to repay a $400,000 loan.

Tori blames her childhood for her money woes, saying she was born into a lavish lifestyle as the daughter of TV producer Aaron Spelling:

"I grew up rich beyond anyone's wildest dreams. I never knew anything else. Even when I try to embrace a simpler lifestyle, I can't seem to let go of my expensive tastes."

Well, you could file for bankruptcy. Or, you could get some debt counselling. Don't they do that for formerly-rich folks? Or, you and your actor hubby could try and find other work. Or this: Stop. Spending. Money.

#2 THE GAME

Some dudes are just stupid. Some need to get a hobby. Some stupid men need to get a hobby. The Game is one of them. Why would you want to poke the angry bear named Kanye?

The Game has regaled us with a song about his naked time back-in-the-day with Kim Kardashian:

"I held Kim Kardashian by the throat, n*gga. I made her swallow my kids until she choked, n*gga. I should apologize cause Ye my folks, n*gga."

Uhmmmm, if you know there's something you need to apologize for and do it in advance, it's still a steamy pile and still offensive! Why do these fellas feel the need to talk about whom they've banged? And whomever Kim shook genitals with pre-marriage doesn't matter. On top of this, The Game claims he's bedded three Kardashians: Kim, Khloe and Blac Chyna (who was married to Rob Kardashian, so that counts?).

Is there some club with benefits for nailing a Kardashian? Like Publishers Clearing House or a Kardashian of the Month Club? Whatevs.

The Game is a loser at the class game.

#1 ARIANA GRANDE

I love it when people try to display their inner-deep-thinker-I'm-so-evolved-zenmeister on their bodies. Because 99% of the time it's a fail. Ariana may be famous and privileged, but she couldn't escape a tattoo eff-up of epic proportions.

She intended to commemorate her new single "7 Rings". In that video, she correctly uses the Japanese kanji for the title. But when it came time to get inked, she skipped a few very-important symbols which changed the meaning to:

"shichirin" which means: "barbecue grill"

BWAAAA HAAAA HAAAA HAAAAA!

She has since removed pictures of her palm tattoo from social media. But when she was responding she said:

"It (tattoo) hurt like f*ck n still looks tight. I wouldn't have lasted one more symbol lmao."

If you can't take the pain, get out of the tattoo parlor! What if your tattoo ended up meaning: 'I f*ck squirrels in the ass" because you couldn't take the pain? Fool.

At least it wasn't some dude's name she got tattooed. But didn't she do that previously?

Not HA HA

11/9/2018

Offenders for the week ending November 9, 2018:

#3 KIM KARDASHIAN

When, oh when, are we going to learn that certain words are just not acceptable? Sure, back in my day we said so-and-so... but you can't say so-and-so today. Is it fair? Not necessarily. But that's just the way it is. And you jackal celebrities? This applies to you as well.

It's not acceptable to drop the "R word", Kimmie. You videotape yourself all. the. time. So, you'd think she'd think and not say something stupid. Wrong! I guess she got bent when no one could identify her Halloween outfit as that of Pamela Anderson. She got upset.

"Nobody knows who I am. Yeah! Retarded."

If only we didn't know. Hey! She's sorry!

"I want to apologize for what I said in a recent video post that is inappropriate and insensitive to the special needs community. I try to learn from my mistakes and this is one of those times. Please know that my intention is always pure, and in this case, it was a mistake. I'm sorry."

Oh, you're sorry all right. But you're still famous for absolutely nothing. Learn harder, K?

#2 ALEC BALDWIN

Proving what a douchebag his truly is, Mr. Hot Head allegedly got into a physical altercation over a parking spot. Supposedly, the victim snaked into the spot that Azzhat was waiting for. So the best way to resolve the issue? Smack him upside the head. Of course, Baldwin denies the fight happened.

"I realize that it has become a sport to tag people w as many negative charges and defaming allegations as possible for the purposes of clickbait headline. Fortunately, no matter how reverberating the echos, it doesn't make the statements true.."

Look, dude. You're not known for your scintillating personality. In fact, aren't you and Sean Penn long-lost bros? I'm surprised he didn't blame Donald Trump for this fiasco.

Here's a thought... let it go. And go away. Makes life a lot better. For all of us.

#1 PETE DAVIDSON

While it's known that I have a twisted sense of humor. I know where to draw the line. Making fun of any of our servicemen or servicewomen is never, ever funny. Ever.

During the latest edition of Saturday Night Live, Pete gave his first impressions of people running for office. Dan Crenshaw is a former Navy SEAL who lost his eye serving in Afghanistan in 2012. Lost his eye. Wears a patch. True to form, Mr. Funny F$ck gave his first impression:

"A hitman in a porno movie. Which I mean who cares, right? I'm sorry, I know he lost his eye in war, or whatever. Whatever."

Yup. Whatever. Just fighting in a war as a badass Navy SEAL. Fighting like you'd never have the sack to do. Because you're a little, weak, wussy, ha-ha man. Why don't you pick up a gun and go fight the enemy for a bigger truth and ideals. Can't? You're not man enough. Eat a bag, or two. You need it.

No wonder Ariana Grande dumped yo ass. Maybe your name should be Piece (of sh&t) Davidson.

By the way, Crenshaw won. Mic drop.

It's All About The Race, 'Bout The Race...

8/25/2017

Offenders for the week ending August 25, 2017:

"So, there's Scientology..."

#3 LEAH REMINI

Instead of Maverick, perhaps Tom Cruise's Top Gun character should've been named "Diabolic". Leah's spillin' the tea on Tommy-boy! In a recent interview she said this:

"There is a public persona of the guy who looks at you directly in the eye and shakes your hand and hugs you... and there's the person behind the mask who is a completely different person...But the people who are around Tom and work for Tom-- not even people who are Scientologists-- they will say he is diabolical."

Oh, snap!

He's more than the Poster Boy for Scientology-- he's the mother-lovin' Devil himself!!! I knew it!!!!

Gurrrrl, I hope you have a good security team. You're getting slapped not out of anger, but because you need to wake up! Exposing the truth about this robot is gonna get you "disappeared," if you know what I mean!

"I need to STFU..."

#2 KIM KARDASHIAN

Rumor has it that Kelly Ripa and Ryan Seacrest aren't all hearts-and-puppy-dog-kisses on "LIVE with Kelly and Ryan." He wants to move the show to L.A. and she ain't havin' it. So while Kelly is away on vacay, Kim Kardashian is filling in. And now, Kim wants to take over permanently because she's tired of reality TV-- and she would be really good at hosting! And what a coincidence-- Ryan is the executive producer of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" and the two are friends, and he likes to have his ass kissed-- how perfect!

Uh.... no! Granted, LIVE isn't a bastion of journalism (not that much is anymore), but she doesn't strike me as someone remotely qualified. Practicing in front of a mirror with your hair brush as a pretend microphone does not make you a reporter or TV host in the real world-- where most of us live.

Perhaps she thought the job was for a TV ho-st... which she might be an expert?

That about sums things up...

#1 DEMARIO JACKSON

For a guy that's been so "wronged", he sure is getting a lot of publicity-- that he most likely orchestrated! "The Bachelorette" reject and "Bachelor in Paradise" reject is making the interview circuit crying racism. Why? In regards to his brief stint on "The Bachelorette," he claims Rachel (who is African American) is only into "white guys". Quote:

"From the beginning, you knew that she was attracted to white men. You knew that. No disrespect, you just knew. She had that vibe."

Okay. It had nothing to do with her finding out you had a girlfriend already....

Then, he said the only reason why his dalliance with Corinne on "Bachelor in Paradise" was a big deal is because he's black and she's white. Sigh...

Okay. It had nothing to do with you being face-planted in Corinne's cookie jar ON CAMERA.

Race isn't the issue. You're just an assh&le. And assh&les come in all shapes, sizes, races, and genders.

P.S. Is this manbitch trying to get a Kleenex endorsement? Stop with the tears, you ginormous pussy... cat!!!

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

A Has-Been Reality...

4/28/2017

Offenders for the week ending April 28,2017:

Yes. Skate backwards. Back to when you had a career...

#3 SCOTT BAIO

The hits keep coming for Chachi-- who must love the taste of leather. As in shoe-in-mouth. With the passing of Erin Moran, Baio posted a really nice tribute on social media expressing his "sincere" condolences. Oh what a difference a day makes. Cuz he had a different tune during a radio interview, where he slammed his former co-star for her battle with addiction:

"I knew Erin well, [but] over the last many years I have not spoken with her. She was just an insecure human being and fell into this world of drugs and alcohol . . . I don't know if that's what killed her, [but] I'm sure it was a culmination of years and years of doing it that might have had something to do with it. For me, you do drugs or drink, you're gonna die. I'm sorry if that's cold, but God gave you a brain, [he] gave you the will to live and thrive, and you gotta take care of yourself."

Bam! Were you speaking truth? Yes. Could you have used some tact and compassion? Hell. Yes. Therefore, get that cheek ready for a slap!

Oh, Holy Sh*t!

#2 KIM KARDASHIAN

From the broad who got famous for parting her legs and treating her "Southern Hemisphere" like an all-you-can-eat pink taco buffet... this. This!!!! Her booty may have broken the internet, but her latest product placement set it on fire! She was on the Instagram blabbing about something, but more importantly-- displayed front-and-center was her new emoji candle. An emoji candle of herself as THE VIRGIN MARY!

So many offended people. And rightly so. You are a lot of things, Kimmie, but virginal?

Bwaaa haaaa haaaa!

There is no orifice that hasn't been been plugged, nor any sexual act not committed by thee. Why, oh, why did you do this? Is it because your hubs thinks he's Jesus? But that would make you his momma... nevermind. I know your existence is all about pushing buttons. So how about you push the eject button right off this planet!

"My milkshake brings all the pedos to the yard..."

#1 REDNECK REALITY STARS

What. The. F*k!?!? It's all such an incestual confederate-flag-bearing gang-bang. I admit it. I raise my hand. I watched Mama June: From Not to Hot. I had a weird fascination with these creatures that are paid large sums of money to be trashy. Mama June became estranged from one of her daughters because momma was dating a pedophile. A pedophile that raped her own daughter. So... after June and Sugar Bear called it quits, he married a 'neck named Jennifer. Who was previously married to a, wait for it.... PEDOPHILE!

The dating pool is wider than your relatives and children. Disgusting. Both June and Jen are mothers. How can mothers knowingly hook-up with these sh*tstains?!?!? And-- you know it's wrong, because you both tried to hide your douchebag dalliances. The time has come to not reward the bottom feeders anymore. I have a great idea for new reality show: let's get all you hilljacks together, let you roam in the woods, and we get to hunt you Hunger Games-style.

Giddy up!

PHOTO CREDITS:
Kim candle: flickr
GIFs www.giphy.com

She-She... SHAME!

2/10/2017

Offenders for the week ending February 10, 2017:

This week's Slap-ees will be immortalized via rhyme...

WTF, C-N-NOT!

#3 CNN

Hey! Did ya hear that Faith Hill and The Notorious B.I.G. are teaming up for an album of duets? Yaaay!

What?

First, Biggie been done-and-gone for 20 years; and second-- that's Faith EVANS-- not Faith HILL. Well, at least you got the first name correct. Is there anything you actually get correct these days?

FYI: Faith EVANS is a singer-- so I get the mistake (insert eye roll)-- and Big's widow. You do know Biggie isn't being brought back to life via some Way-Back-In-Time Machine, and that there's this thing called TECHNOLOGY which will allow the duets to happen, right? Cuz if there were a Waaaaay Back Machine maybe we could go back in time when you had your "stuff" together. Perhaps CNN should stand for: CONCOCTED NEWS NETWORK.

Your rhyme: Eenie, meenie, miney mo
Your 'news" reporting truly blows...

Even I'm not buying my own bullsh*t...

#2 GWYNETH PALTROW

For the love of all things good...

STOP GIVING US LIFE ADVICE!!!!!!!

If we want real advice, we'd get it from an expert in said area-- not some has-been actress trying to remain relevant!

First, Gwynie hit us up with the virtues of steaming our "cookie jars." Steam. On the jay-jay. Then, it was wearing a crystal. INSIDE the aforementioned cookie jar. And now, we ladies should burn our bras by the light of the full moon to 'cleanse the negative energy of failed relationships.' Oh, but there's more! According to relationship expert Suzannah Galland, lingerie holds memories of a certain partner-- which is good during, but post breakup...no way. The residual energy is left behind making it difficult to find closure.

(With as many exes as Gwynie has had, she must've started an inferno...)

Look, if I'm burning any underwear-- it's gonna be HIS. Preferably while he's wearing them. Why can't Gwyn encounter a zen nun who convinces her that a golden muzzle and vow of silence are the way to roll?

Your rhyme: Hickory dickory dock
Won't you please run head-first into a block!?!?

He'd be awesome at the World Series...

#1 KIM KARDASHIAN

Maybe she's trying to be the supportive wife. Or she sees just another opportunity for media attention. I'm goin' with the latter, because-- DUH!

Think of past "Big Game" halftime shows that were epic: Bruce Springsteen. Prince, Bruno Mars.... and most recently, Gaga. Kimster all over social media re-tweeting fans wanting hubby Kanye to play next year. Bad idea. Really bad. C'mon, Kim! The stress alone might make him explode! Plus, why would he even be interested? He's compared performing live to fighting a war, and how it's tougher than what our police and military do. We surely don't want him getting PTSD!

(Sniff, sniff, whiny beyotch!)

And-- halftime performers don't get paid, so no big diamond for you to 'get stolen'.

P.S. Your man's arch-nemesis/enemy/sexual obsession Taylor Swift is the artist people want to see perform next. Ouchie.

Your poem: Roses are red, violets are blue
For the love of God, won't you STFU!?!?

PHOTO CREDITS:
KIM KARDASHIAN https://www.flickr.com/photos/evarinaldiphotography/
GWYNETH PALTROW https://www.flickr.com/photos/dno1967b/
FAITH HILL https://www.flickr.com/photos/32892638@N00/

R.I.P. Love...

7/24/2015

Offenders for the week of July 20, 2015:

This week our Slapees get a fruit bowl befitting their offense...

"I know everything!"

#3 GWYNETH PALTROW
OFFENSE: Wench
She's supposed to be so much better than us and more evolved, but she's pathetic. Truly. She manages to take a jab at ex-hubby Chris Martin every chance she gets. In a recent interview, she slams him for his parenting skills. Because there are days he doesn't like her (every).

"It's been hard, and you know, like, we've gone through really difficult times with it but we've always said these children are our priority. What that really means is, even though today you hate me and you never want to see me again, like, we're going to brunch 'cause it's Sunday and that's what we'll do!"

Like, fer sure! Totally! Yawn...

I get it-- acting like adults for the sake of the kiddos and not ripping the other apart in front of them. But there are just some days you can't endure being with your cold-hearted, cold-taco ex-wife. So why force it? Cuz the kids will pick up on the tension. Stop trying to be a controlling C-U-Next-Tuesday.

Your fruit bowl: Jackfruit...because you're a jackass.

"I love doing this yogurt exercise thingie!"

#2 KIM KARDASHIAN
OFFENSE: Idiot
Kimmie's grooming her two-year-old daughter to be a superficial twat-waffle, too. How? By hiring North her own personal trainer. Gotta get rid of that baby fat, ya know? When Kim is done with her own session, she lets her dude workout with North once or twice a week. Kim says it's important for her daughter to become accustomed to a gym routine early in life.

When are the implants and waxing going to happen? At the age of four? Ridiculous.

What happened to letting a two-year-old be a two-year-old? Like... I dunno...letting them play as their form of exercise? This poor child is going to be in therapy before she hits Pre-K!

Your fruit bowl: Kiwano-- the Blowfish Fruit... need I say more?

B: "Fuck you." M: "Eat a bag of dicks."

#1 BLAKE SHELTON & MIRANDA LAMBERT
OFFENSE: Killers
Because of you and your divorce. Love. Has. Died. You were so perfect together. How can anyone's marriage work if yours failed? I mean, forget the fact that Blake on his first wife with Miranda. He won't stray on you! You were together for 10 years, married for four. Because of your mutual selfishness and lack of thought for the entire human race, we can't eat, sleep, think straight... or... love-- ever again.

Thanks for the ruination of an institution.

Your fruit bowl: Crabapples... because they're bittter, just like we are.

End of sarcasm...

PHOTO CREDIT:
Gwyneth Paltrow https://www.flickr.com/photos/yausser/
Kim Kardashian https://www.flickr.com/photos/synergybyjasmine/
Blake and Miranda https://www.flickr.com/photos/disneyabc/

Shrinkage!

1/23/2015

Offenders for the week of January 19, 2015:

"Does my roll rust make u horny?"

#3 MAMA JUNE
OFFENSE: Repulsive
Her hot mess of a personal life includes dating a known child molester. And if that weren't horrific enough, the molester molested her own daughter! Sick. This Baby-Huey-wannabee is still in the spotlight, because she and her on-again/off-again husband/partner belly-banger, Sugar Bear, may be back on reality TV doing couples therapy. The reality show I wanna see: Punch the Pin(~)ata. The only thing I fear, though, is the biohazardous waste that would pour out of her. Sorry...

"It's so exhausting being so stoopid. Whew!"

#2 KIM KARDASHIAN
OFFENSE: Crybaby
In a recent interview, (insert sarcastic tone) Kim laments the tough life she leads. It's soooo hard having nannies and handlers, and butt-buffers. And-- the evil paparazzi! Boo. Hoo. Try working for a living. Like, 70-hours-a-week-at-three-different-jobs working. Then see how badly you need a day off. I know it must be difficult for you to actually construct a thought. Surely, you've confused "thot" and "thought" often. Now, go oil your cartoon-ish body and slip-n-slide your way out of the Universe!

*NOTE: A "thot" is defined by Urban Dictionary as: a hoe. For example: "LeShawnda may be yo woman, but she my main thot."

"Is Giselle available to fluff these balls?"

#1 BILL BELICHICK
OFFENSE: Lying flat sack
More air leaking out of Deflate-Gate's controversial figurehead. The man who won't let a fart pass without his permission claims he had no idea about this whole small-balls thing. Instead, he threw Tom Brady under the bus. Because as the QB, Tom's obsessed with the condition of his balls. I'm sure he is, since wifey Giselle has had his balls since Day One. But, really Billy? No one is buying this. You're a known cheater. You spy on people, and hire lip-readers-- whatever it takes to get the advantage. What's next, Jock-Gate? Where you Bengay the opposing team's jocks so they're distracted and smellier?

P.S. Where the hell was all the cheating when you coached the Browns? Bastard.

PHOTO CREDIT:
Mama June: https://www.flickr.com/photos/lwpkommunikacio/
Kim Kardashian: https://www.flickr.com/photos/keithallison/
Bill Belichick: https://www.flickr.com/photos/keithallison/