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Shahhead

7/15/2022

 
​Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!
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Offenders for the week ending July 15th, 2022:

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#3 KIM KARDASHIAN
I get it. We women have done all kinds of things for the sake of fashion, or beauty. And frankly, it's all bullsh*t. Kimmie needed to lose 16 pounds in three weeks to wear the infamous Marilyn Monroe-sings-happy-birthday-Mr. President dress. And why was this necessary? Why would you want to wear the exact same dress Marilyn did? It should be in a museum, not amongst us getting destroyed (as it did). Wear a damn replica! Anywho, it seems she ditched her vegetarian diet and ate meat to lose the weight. But that caused her more harm than good. She said:

"Psoriasis broke out over my body and I got psoriatic arthritis. I couldn't really move my hands. I was freaking out!"

Which is why she ditched meat in the first friggin' place!

How effed up is Hollywood that someone would willingly subject themselves to for some fleeting press and a couple of good pics for the socials? Kimster got better after a steroid shot and ditching the meat.

Lame. So. Lame.


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​#2 DOJA CAT
First of all, with a name like "Doja Cat" you have to be a complete asshat. But who am I? Just some schulb over here thinking there aren't enough minutes in the day to slap all these fools. Anywho, The Cat is mad at  Noah Schnapp, who plays Will on Stranger Things. Why would she be mad at a 17-year-old kid star? Well, because she reached out to him because she wants co-star Joseph Quinn (who played Eddie Muson) to "pet her kitty." And Noah shared screenshots of the DMs to all the world. Doja got her claws out:

“That's like borderline snake s***. That's like weasel s***. I'm not saying that encapsulates his entire personality. I made an assumption that he was gonna be chill about it and he went and shared information that I didn’t feel comfortable with him sharing."

Here's a thought: when you messaged him, you should've asked him to keep things private. That's what adults do. Which you supposedly are. All of social media defended Noah, but Doja came for everybody.

Why is this bish famous? Seriously.

​Also, you're 26 years old. You can certainly catch "D" all on your own. Without the help, again, of a 17-year-old!

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#1 JEN SHAH, Cast Member/Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
HA HA HA! We all knew she was a guilty, scamming twatbag and now she's admitted it. After a year of proclaiming her innocence, this reality TV "star" entered a guilty plea in federal court. What did she do? Scam the elderly out of their money, while flaunting her ill-gotten wealth on a reality TV show. Dumbass.

Yup. She said she committed "wire fraud, offering services with little to no value" and:

"We used interstate telephones and emails. I knew many of the purchasers were over the age of 55. I am so sorry." 

The reason why she entered a plea was not because of the overwhelming guilty she felt being a complete douche, but because she offered to not appeal her sentence if she received 14 years or less. Because she faces 30 years in prison. Damn. She's also agreed to forfeit $6 million, and to pay restitution in the amount of $9 million.

It seems like she should owe more than that...

Guess you're not so "Shaw-mazing" after all. Bye!

Hot in Here

2/11/2022

 
​Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!
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Offenders for the week ending February 11th, 2022:

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#3 NICOLAS CAGE
Congrats for making it to an entire year of wedded bliss with wife number five. Yeah. Number five. Nic had this to say about it:

          “I'm really happily married. I know five is a lot, but I think I got it right this time."

Oh, goodie! Now that his personal life is settled... ish... for now, Mr. Cage wants us to no longer call him an "actor" (well, that's been easy to do.) Instead, he prefers we call him a "thespian."

“I sound like a pretentious fart for saying ‘thespian’ but acting now has become like lying. It sounds like I’m lying. If you’re a great actor, you’re a great liar. ‘Thespian’ seems more like it’s about finding some truth within and then projecting it for others to get it. At least, it does to me. But I’m not always on the same wavelength as everyone else.”

Not on the same wavelength? Duh. We prefer to call you a "caricature" of an actor pretending to be a thespian.

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#2 NELLY
Surprise on the 'Gram for Nelly's followers. A video of a woman playing his skin flute popped up. Nelly's peeps quickly deleted the video, but not before screenshots captured some of the action. Nelly apologized:

“I sincerely apologize to the young lady and her family, this is unwanted publicity for her/them. This was an old video that was private and never meant to go public.”

Again, why you don't need any evidence of anything happening! By the by, perhaps his "Hot in Here" lyrics were just a self-fulfilling prophecy:

"Nelly hang all out
Mix a little bit
(Uh, uh)
With a little bit
(Uh, uh)"


Please tell me someone will name his next sexy video as "Hot in Her"...

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#1 KANYE WEST & KIM KARDASHIAN
I want to clunk their heads together. Because these two are acting like children. You're getting divorced. Kanye is jealous that Kim has moved on. Kim is tired of Kanye making their business all public and stuff. We're over it, too. So. Stop. Both of you!

These two dimwits are engaged in a parenting war on social media. Kanye isn't pleased that their daughter, North, is on Tik Tok. So, he says: 

“SINCE THIS IS MY FIRST DIVORCE I NEED TO KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO ABOUT MY DAUGHTER BEING PUT ON TIK TOK AGAINST MY WILL?”

Kim responds, publicly:

“As the parent who is the main provider and caregiver for our children, I am doing my best to protect our daughter while also allowing her to express her creativity in the medium that she wishes with adult supervision — because it brings her happiness.Divorce is difficult enough on our children and Kanye’s obsession with trying to control and manipulate our situation so negatively and publicly is only causing further pain for all.”

You two bitchers are causing ALL OF US pain. Go. A. Way.

Here's a thought: pick up the damned phone and actually use your words to have a conversation with each other. What a concept!

A reminder: you're both supposed to be grown people. And your children don't need this-- whether it's Kanye's tantrum, or Kim's well-written, passive-aggressive statement.

Different Direction

11/5/2021

 
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​​Offender for the week ending November 5, 2021:    

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#3 HARVEY WEINSTEIN
There really is no room for people like Harvey Weinween on this planet. You know the type-- asshats that terrorize people; sexually harass people; threaten people. You might even work with someone just like this, sadly. Continuing to prove what a large, steamy POS this guy is, the story that Harvo effed-over the late Robin Williams. According to Kevin Smith, Weenerstein purposely pulled "Good Will Hunting" from theaters early so that Robin wouldn't get too much money from his back-end deal. Kevin said:

"It was like, 'Wait. There's all this Oscar buzz, so why would you pull it if it was just making money? They did it because keeping it in theaters meant that more of the money would go to Robin, whereas the moment it went to video, the split wasn't Robin-heavy. It was hamstrung because (of) greed."


The film made over $225 million and won two Oscars. 

Is there a place worse than hell for him to burn in? Or should he get some good ol' Old Testament Justice, first?

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#2 KIM KARDASHIAN
Kimmy. You've left behind one ball sack. Don't run into the bowl of another-- meaning-- stay away from Pete Davidson! This dude is a known wang slinger! There is no flesh ride in the world worth the grief.  The two have been spotted holding hands, and they're trying to play that "we're just friends" line that nobody ever believes. A source says: 

"No one really knows what's going on with Kim and Pete. They are just friends right now, but things could turn romantic."

I still cannot figure out what the attraction is. Maybe he runs the best game ever, because he just got done with Bridgerton's Phoebe Dynevor. He's got so many notches on his bedpost, the bedpost broke. Maybe he's trying to one-up John Mayer?

Anywho, make sure that man-ho wraps it. Do. Better... Literally.

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#1 ZAYN MALIK
You shouldn't try to resolve conflict with shoving the grandmother of your child. But... Zayn has an anger issue, apparently. Yolanda Hadid, mother of Zayn's on-again-off-again GF Gigi Hadid, says Zayn struck her last week. Zayn says it's not true:

"I adamantly deny striking Yolanda Hadid and for the sake of my daughter I decline to give any further details."

Look. Yolanda may have been a part of the Real Housewives of Orange County at one point, but she's not a drama queen. She's always been the voice of reason. So, methinks the accusations are true. Enough so that Gigi has met with lawyers to arrange custody because, unfortunately, "Zayn will have to be a part of her (the baby's) life."

Zayn and Gigi have been toxic from day one. Time to move in a different direction. Hope you learned your lesson Malik The Deek. Or just keep being a "dick".

Wank 100

9/24/2021

 
​Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!
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​​Offender for the week ending September 24th, 2021:    

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#3 ANGELINA JOLIE
This "b" ain't ever putin' the claws away. She wants to draw as much blood and pain from Brad Pitt as possible. In addition to the never-ending custody battle, Angie tried to stiff Brad in a real estate transaction, and now... she's claiming Brad is using his celebrity status to get special treatment in court.

Let's we checked, YOU ARE A CELEBRITY! Angie successfully had a judge booted from the case, and now Brad wants that overturned....Blah, blah, blah....

I'm not saying we know what happened in their relationship behind closed doors. But if he is the big tool bag you claim he is-- then why haven't we heard a peep from his past lady loves?

Get a set of batteries and work that angst out, girlfriend.

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#2 DRAKE BELL
The former Nickelodeon star recently pleaded guilty to child endangerment charges and sentenced to two years probation. Now that he feels the dust has settled, he's speaking out about the situation. On Instagram. He said there were too many lies spread about him, and clickbait. And the reason why he did the plea thing was to resolve things quickly. 

What? So it could all go away?

He also reminded everyone that he wasn't charged for anything involving photographs or "anything physical", but.... he was "reckless and irresponsible" with text messages. 

MMMkay.

"I want to say thank you to everyone who saw through the lies and did their research and looked at my case and saw for what it was, instead of through all this media confusion...."


Wait. You admitted to poor judgement in texting a minor. Maybe you shouldn't have taken some rando's number in the first place. Two, a couple of people have accused you of abuse, so don't get too cocky. Three, go away. We don't need some pedo or psuedo-pedo vibes.

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#1 WACK 100
Wack is definitely whack. He's claiming there's another bang-'em tape starring Kim Kardashian and Ray J. He says it's longer (the video)  and more graphic than the film that made the Kardashians a household name. 

No thanks. 

But Wack says he only wants one set... of eyes... peeping it. And that's Kim's ex, Kanye.

What kind of messed up world do you live in? Like Kanye really wants to see his ex and Ray J-- again?  Sit. Down. Meanwhile, Ray J is pissed:

"This ain't cool... How can I show off growth and maturity if this kinda stuff keeps happening? I'm a father now and my job is to be a great parent and put them first. This is not the message I want to send out. SMH."

I think somebody needs to whack Wack upside the head with the video... and then burn it.

Mani Above All Else

9/27/2019

 
​Offenders for the week ending September 27, 2019:

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#3 ASHTON KUTCHER
Demi Moore has written a scathing autobiography, and girl is spillin' all the tea! In fact, she blames threesomes for her divorce from Ashton Kutcher:

                                    "I wanted to show him how great and fun I could be."

Uhmmm... there are other ways to show your "fun side".  Guess Ashton used the three-play as a free pass to cheat. You know, since he technically "cheated" in said threesome.

Demi, you get slapped for a poor decision. Ashton, you get slapped for being an asshat.

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#2 MILEY CYRUS
What in the af are you doing? You break up your marriage with the person you considered to be your best chance at "for life" partner status for Kaitlynn Carter-- only to break up with her a month later.  I could care less if you love a man, a woman, a sheep. But you're irresponsible with your vaj. breaking hearts and spanking asses ain't the way to live-- unless you're a dominatrix. Weren't you a dom at one point? Anywho, guess this is no longer true:

"Miley and Kaitlynn are on the same page, which is why they work so well together. (Miley) can totally be herself with Kaitlynn." 

Rumor has it that things were getting too serious and Miley didn't want that. Please, Cyrus Virus. Seal that vault between your legs.

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#1 KIM KARDASHIAN
When they call childbirth a "miracle" it's because it is. Because so many things can go wrong for conception to world entry. But, some people are too superficial and shallow to think-- at all. It came out recently that Kimmie delayed her first child's birth by two hours because she needed to get a manicure. What in the af?!?

While eating a McGriddle and getting a bikini wax, her doc called her and said she had to deliver North immediately because Kim had preeclampsia. But then she looked down at her nails and just couldn't deliver her baby in such sub-fab conditions!

"And my nails were, like, dark. It was when I was still in my Lincoln Park After Dark phase of nails or like my Burgundy nails. And I was like, 'Oh, no no, I'm having a girl. I really need a nice light pink nail for delivery.' So I told the doctor, 'Are you sure I have to deliver right now? Can you give me like two hours?' And he was like, 'Fine, meet me in two hours.'"

I mean, we get it. Your appearance is far more important than your health or your baby's. NOT! Who the f*ck is looking at your hands during delivery!?!?!? And since you're the queen of Photoshop, one of your lackey's could've changed your nail color.

Not only is this true-life story completely asinine, but you have no clue at what a vapid dumbass you really are. 

Tattoo Fool

2/1/2019

 
Offenders for the week ending February 1, 2019

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#3 TORI SPELLING
She's been ordered to pay more than $88,000 to American Express. In January of 2016, the credit card company sued her after she failed to pay up for months. In December of 2016, Tori and husband Dean McDermott were sued by City National Bank for nearly $200,000 after failing to repay a $400,000 loan. 

Tori blames her childhood for her money woes, saying she was born into a lavish lifestyle as the daughter of TV producer Aaron Spelling:

"I grew up rich beyond anyone's wildest dreams. I never knew anything else. Even when I try to embrace a simpler lifestyle, I can't seem to let go of my expensive tastes."

Well, you could file for bankruptcy. Or, you could get some debt counselling. Don't they do that for formerly-rich folks? Or, you and your actor hubby could try and find other work. Or this: Stop. Spending. Money.

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#2 THE GAME
Some dudes are just stupid. Some need to get a hobby. Some stupid men need to get a hobby. The Game is one of them. Why would you want to poke the angry bear named Kanye? 

The Game has regaled us with a song about his naked time back-in-the-day with Kim Kardashian:

"I held Kim Kardashian by the throat, n*gga. I made her swallow my kids until she choked, n*gga. I should apologize cause Ye my folks, n*gga."

Uhmmmm, if you know there's something you need to apologize for and do it in advance, it's still a steamy pile and still offensive! Why do these fellas feel the need to talk about whom they've banged? And whomever Kim shook genitals with pre-marriage doesn't matter. On top of this, The Game claims he's bedded three Kardashians: Kim, Khloe and Blac Chyna (who was married to Rob Kardashian, so that counts?).

Is there some club with benefits for nailing a Kardashian? Like Publishers Clearing House or a Kardashian of the Month Club? Whatevs.

The Game is a loser at the class game. 

#1 ARIANA GRANDE
I love it when people try to display their inner-deep-thinker-I'm-so-evolved-zenmeister on their bodies. Because 99% of the time it's a fail. Ariana may be famous and privileged, but she couldn't escape a tattoo eff-up of epic proportions. 

She intended to commemorate her new single "7 Rings". In that video, she correctly uses the Japanese kanji for the title. But when it came time to get inked, she skipped a few very-important symbols which changed the meaning to:

                                          "shichirin" which means: "barbecue grill"

BWAAAA HAAAA HAAAA HAAAAA!

She has since removed pictures of her palm tattoo from social media. But when she was responding she said:

      "It (tattoo) hurt like f*ck n still looks tight. I wouldn't have lasted one more symbol lmao."

If you can't take the pain, get out of the tattoo parlor! What if your tattoo ended up meaning: 'I f*ck squirrels in the ass" because you couldn't take the pain? Fool.

At least it wasn't some dude's name she got tattooed. But didn't she do that previously?

Not HA HA

11/9/2018

 
Offenders for the week ending November 9, 2018:

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#3 KIM KARDASHIAN
When, oh when, are we going to learn that certain words are just not acceptable? Sure, back in my day we said so-and-so... but you can't say so-and-so today. Is it fair? Not necessarily. But that's just the way it is. And you jackal celebrities? This applies to you as well. 

It's not acceptable to drop the "R word", Kimmie. You videotape yourself all. the. time. So, you'd think she'd think and not say something stupid. Wrong! I guess she got bent when no one could identify her Halloween outfit as that of  Pamela Anderson. She got upset.

                                            "Nobody knows who I am. Yeah! Retarded."

If only we didn't know. Hey! She's sorry!

"I want to apologize for what I said in a recent video post that is inappropriate and insensitive to the special needs community. I try to learn from my mistakes and this is one of those times. Please know that my intention is always pure, and in this case, it was a mistake. I'm sorry."

Oh, you're sorry all right. But you're still famous for absolutely nothing. Learn harder, K?

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#2 ALEC BALDWIN
Proving what a douchebag his truly is, Mr. Hot Head allegedly got into a physical altercation over a parking spot. Supposedly, the victim snaked into the spot that Azzhat was waiting for. So the best way to resolve the issue? Smack him upside the head. Of course, Baldwin denies the fight happened.

"I realize that it has become a sport to tag people w as many negative charges and defaming allegations as possible for the purposes of clickbait headline. Fortunately, no matter how reverberating the echos, it doesn't make the statements true.."

Look, dude. You're not known for your scintillating personality. In fact, aren't you and Sean Penn long-lost bros? I'm surprised he didn't blame Donald Trump for this fiasco. 

Here's a thought... let it go. And go away. Makes life a lot better. For all of us.

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​#1 PETE DAVIDSON
While it's known that I have a twisted sense of humor. I know where to draw the line. Making fun of any of our servicemen or servicewomen is never, ever funny. Ever.

During the latest edition of Saturday Night Live, Pete gave his first impressions of people running for office. Dan Crenshaw is a former Navy SEAL who lost his eye serving in Afghanistan in 2012. Lost his eye. Wears a patch. True to form, Mr. Funny F$ck gave his first impression:

"A hitman in a porno movie. Which I mean who cares, right? I'm sorry, I know he lost his eye in war, or whatever. Whatever."

Yup. Whatever. Just fighting in a war as a badass Navy SEAL. Fighting like you'd never have the sack to do. Because you're a little, weak, wussy, ha-ha man. Why don't you pick up a gun and go fight the enemy for a bigger truth and ideals. Can't? You're not man enough. Eat a bag, or two. You need it.

No wonder Ariana Grande dumped yo ass. Maybe your name should be Piece (of sh&t) Davidson.

By the way, Crenshaw won. Mic drop.

It's All About The Race, 'Bout The Race...

8/25/2017

 
Offenders for the week ending August 25, 2017:
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"So, there's Scientology..."
#3 LEAH REMINI
Instead of Maverick, perhaps Tom Cruise's Top Gun character should've been named "Diabolic". Leah's spillin' the tea on Tommy-boy! In a recent interview she said this:

"There is a public persona of the guy who looks at you directly in the eye and shakes your hand and hugs you... and there's the person behind the mask who is a completely different person...But the people who are around Tom and work for Tom-- not even people who are Scientologists-- they will say he is diabolical." 

Oh, snap!

He's more than the Poster Boy for Scientology-- he's the mother-lovin' Devil himself!!! I knew it!!!!

Gurrrrl, I hope you have a good security team. 
You're getting slapped not out of anger, but because you need to wake up! Exposing the truth about this robot is gonna get you "disappeared," if you know what I mean!

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"I need to STFU..."
#2 KIM KARDASHIAN
Rumor has it that Kelly Ripa and Ryan Seacrest aren't all hearts-and-puppy-dog-kisses on "LIVE with Kelly and Ryan." He wants to move the show to L.A. and she ain't havin' it. So while Kelly is away on vacay, Kim Kardashian is filling in. And now, Kim wants to take over permanently because she's tired of reality TV-- and she would be really good at hosting! And what a coincidence-- Ryan is the executive producer of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" and the two are friends, and he likes to have his ass kissed-- how perfect!

Uh.... no! Granted, LIVE isn't a bastion of journalism (not that much is anymore), but she doesn't strike me as someone remotely qualified. Practicing in front of a mirror with your hair brush as a pretend microphone does not make you a reporter or TV host in the real world-- where most of us live.

​Perhaps she thought the job was for a TV ho-st... which she might be an expert?

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That about sums things up...
#1 DEMARIO JACKSON
For a guy that's been so "wronged", he sure is getting a lot of publicity-- that he most likely orchestrated! "The Bachelorette" reject and "Bachelor in Paradise" reject is making the interview circuit crying racism. Why? In regards to his brief stint on "The Bachelorette," he claims Rachel (who is African American) is only into "white guys". Quote:

"From the beginning, you knew that she was attracted to white men. You knew that. No disrespect, you just knew. She had that vibe."

Okay. It had nothing to do with her finding out you had a girlfriend already.... 

Then, he said the only reason why his dalliance with Corinne on "Bachelor in Paradise" was a big deal is because he's black and she's white. Sigh... 

Okay. It had nothing to do with you being face-planted in Corinne's cookie jar ON CAMERA. 

Race isn't the issue. You're just an assh&le. And assh&les come in all shapes, sizes, races, and genders. 

P.S. Is this manbitch trying to get a Kleenex endorsement? Stop with the tears, you ginormous pussy... cat!!!

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A Has-Been Reality...

4/28/2017

 
Offenders for the week ending April 28,2017:
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Yes. Skate backwards. Back to when you had a career...
#3 SCOTT BAIO
The hits keep coming for Chachi-- who must love the taste of leather. As in shoe-in-mouth. With the passing of Erin Moran, Baio posted a really nice tribute on social media expressing his "sincere" condolences. Oh what a difference a day makes. Cuz he had a different tune during a radio interview, where he slammed his former co-star for her battle with addiction: 

"I knew Erin well, [but] over the last many years I have not spoken with her.  She was just an insecure human being and fell into this world of drugs and alcohol . . . I don't know if that's what killed her, [but] I'm sure it was a culmination of years and years of doing it that might have had something to do with it. For me, you do drugs or drink, you're gonna die.  I'm sorry if that's cold, but God gave you a brain, [he] gave you the will to live and thrive, and you gotta take care of yourself."

​Bam! 
Were you speaking truth? Yes. Could you have used some tact and compassion? Hell. Yes. Therefore, get that cheek ready for a slap!

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Oh, Holy Sh*t!
#2 KIM KARDASHIAN
From the broad who got famous for parting her legs and treating her "Southern Hemisphere" like an all-you-can-eat pink taco buffet... this. This!!!! Her booty may have broken the internet, but her latest product placement set it on fire! She was on the Instagram blabbing about something, but more importantly-- displayed front-and-center was her new emoji candle. An emoji candle of herself as THE VIRGIN MARY!

So many offended people. And rightly so. You are a lot of things, Kimmie, but virginal?

Bwaaa haaaa haaaa!

There is no orifice that hasn't been been plugged, nor any sexual act not committed by thee. Why, oh, why did you do this? Is it because your hubs thinks he's Jesus? But that would make you his momma... nevermind. I know your existence is all about pushing buttons. So how about you push the eject button right off this planet!

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"My milkshake brings all the pedos to the yard..."
#1 REDNECK REALITY STARS
What. The. F*k!?!? It's all such an incestual confederate-flag-bearing gang-bang. I admit it. I raise my hand. I watched Mama June: From Not to Hot. I had a weird fascination with these creatures that are paid large sums of money to be trashy. Mama June became estranged from one of her daughters because momma was dating a pedophile. A pedophile that raped her own daughter. So... after June and Sugar Bear called it quits, he married a 'neck named Jennifer. Who was previously married to a, wait for it.... PEDOPHILE! 

The dating pool is wider than your relatives and children. Disgusting. Both June and Jen are mothers. How can mothers knowingly hook-up with these sh*tstains?!?!? And-- you know it's wrong, because you both tried to hide your douchebag dalliances. The time has come to not reward the bottom feeders anymore. I have a great idea for new reality show: let's get all you hilljacks together, let you roam in the woods, and we get to hunt you Hunger Games-style. 

Giddy up!
​PHOTO CREDITS:
Kim candle: flickr
GIFs www.giphy.com

She-She... SHAME!

2/10/2017

 
Offenders for the week ending February 10, 2017:
This week's Slap-ees will be immortalized via rhyme...
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WTF, C-N-NOT!
#3 CNN
Hey! Did ya hear that Faith Hill and The Notorious B.I.G. are teaming up for an album of duets? Yaaay!

                                                                        What?

First, Biggie been done-and-gone for 20 years; and second-- that's Faith EVANS-- not Faith HILL. Well, at least you got the first name correct. Is there anything you actually get correct these days?  

FYI: Faith EVANS is a singer-- so I get the mistake (insert eye roll)-- and Big's widow. You do know Biggie isn't being brought back to life via some Way-Back-In-Time Machine, and that there's this thing called TECHNOLOGY which will allow the duets to happen, right? Cuz if there were a Waaaaay Back Machine maybe we could go back in time when you had your "stuff" together. Perhaps CNN should stand for: CONCOCTED NEWS NETWORK. 


Your rhyme: Eenie, meenie, miney mo
                      Your 'news" reporting truly blows...

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Even I'm not buying my own bullsh*t...
#2 GWYNETH PALTROW
For the love of all things good...

                                                   STOP GIVING US LIFE ADVICE!!!!!!!

​If we want real advice, we'd get it from an expert in said area-- not some has-been actress trying to remain relevant!

First, Gwynie hit us up with the virtues of steaming our "cookie jars." Steam. On the jay-jay. Then, it was wearing a crystal. INSIDE the aforementioned cookie jar. And now, we ladies should burn our bras by the light of the full moon to 'cleanse the negative energy of failed relationships.' Oh, but there's more! According to relationship expert Suzannah Galland, lingerie holds memories of a certain partner-- which is good during, but post breakup...no way. The residual energy is left behind making it difficult to find closure.

                        (With as many exes as Gwynie has had, she must've started an inferno...)

Look, if I'm burning any underwear-- it's gonna be HIS. Preferably while he's wearing them. Why can't Gwyn encounter a zen nun who convinces her that a golden muzzle and vow of silence are the way to roll?

Your rhyme: Hickory dickory dock
                      Won't you please run head-first into a block!?!?

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He'd be awesome at the World Series...
#1 KIM KARDASHIAN
Maybe she's trying to be the supportive wife. Or she sees just another opportunity for media attention. I'm goin' with the latter, because-- DUH!

Think of past "Big Game" halftime shows that were epic: Bruce Springsteen. Prince, Bruno Mars.... and most recently, Gaga. Kimster all over social media re-tweeting fans wanting hubby Kanye to play next year. Bad idea. Really bad. C'mon, Kim! The stress alone might make him explode! Plus, why would he even be interested? He's compared performing live to fighting a war, and how it's tougher than what our police and military do. 
We surely don't want him getting PTSD!

                                                        (Sniff, sniff, whiny beyotch!)

 And-- halftime performers don't get paid, so no big diamond for you to 'get stolen'. 

P.S. Your man's arch-nemesis/enemy/sexual obsession Taylor Swift is the artist people want to see perform next. Ouchie.

Your poem: Roses are red, violets are blue
                     For the love of God, won't you STFU!?!?

PHOTO CREDITS:
KIM KARDASHIAN https://www.flickr.com/photos/evarinaldiphotography/
GWYNETH PALTROW https://www.flickr.com/photos/dno1967b/
FAITH HILL https://www.flickr.com/photos/32892638@N00/
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    I lovingly call out celebs for their naughty behavior. Sometimes a 'slap' is a needed wake-up call. ;)

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