Cash Her Off The Planet!

Offenders for the week ending September 22, 2017:

"Check my drawers. I crapped in my pants."

#3 KEVIN HART

Props on getting in front of your latest scandal. Nip it in the bud, put the fire out. Get the FBI to investigate. I get it. Still doesn't cover the FACT that you're a scum fondler that can't stop wang-ing every tramp that drops her g-string. See, he's being blackmailed by someone who has a video and if said person doesn't get a multi-million dollar payday, well, get out the popcorn for the viewing! Kevin is cheating on his pregnant wife. So, why not get your mea culpa out there: 

"I'm at a place in my life where I feel like I have a target on my back. And because of that I should make smart decisions. And recently, I didn't. You know, I'm not perfect. I'm not going to sit up here and say that I am or claim to be in any way shape or form."

Yes. Nobody's perfect. But it's evident, some are just stupid for making the same mistake TWICE. Yeah. You cheated on your first wife with the chick who would become your current wife, whom you've cheated on with a stripper. And really, a stripper?!?!? Enjoy dumping into that Freddy Krueger baby-maker of hers. So. Much. Ick.

Are you gonna pull a Kobe Bryant and buy your wifey a big 'ol diamond that will erase her memory?

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Don't we all?

#2 GWYNETH PALTROW

I should just make her a permanent Slapee, but it's so cathartic to imagine slapping her, plus-- she obviously isn't getting the message. This might be the most ridiculous product on her stupid GOOP website:

                                                          Psychic Vampire Repellent

For a mere $30, you can get a spray elixir that:

"...uses a combination of gem healing and deeply aromatic therapeutic oils to banish bad vibes and shield you from people causing them."

I've been waiting for something like this! (You know I'm kidding...)

To use: Spray around your head to safeguard your aura. 

Uh, don't you know your aura is projected all around your body? You're so good at suggesting ways we plebeians can spend our hard-earned moola. Since you're the Genius of Everything, what product can we use to get rid of a whore fungus like you?

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Oh, if slapping your face were only legal...

#1 ATLANTIC RECORDS

It's bad enough that the Cash Me Outside fart licker had her 15 minutes of fame for being one of the dregs of humanity, but to have her infamy perpetuated by more attention!?!? GRRRRRR! This joke of a business is exactly what is wrong with the entire music industry. Instead of scouting TALENT and nurturing them so they can produce multiple hit albums for you, all the labels do is go for the low-lying fruit and easy money-grab. Thus, the birth of Bhad Bhabie, aka 14-year-old delinquent Danielle Bregoli, aka Cash Me Outside twat triscuit.  

Aton Ben Horin, Global Vice President of A&R at Warner Music Group said:

                             "Without a doubt, this girl is a real star with undeniable talent."

Judge for yourself. Here's the brilliant track "These Heaux" that's garnered over 27 million views. I pray to the Big Man that people are watching out of curiosity and a need to feel better about themselves. 

P.S. Ahmet Ertegun is rolling over in his grave right now. Since you don't know history, that was the founder of the label you're running into the ground. 

P. P. S. Hey, Horin: may the scurvy find your ball sack before Bhad does. Wait, that's probs how she got her record deal...

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​PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com