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Will-Full (of it)

8/5/2022

 
​Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!
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Offenders for the week ending August 5th, 2022:

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#3 JOJO SIWA
It's so cute when celebrities fight. Grab the popcorn because public pettiness is a great form of entertainment. JoJo, who I think is famous from some reality TV show, is feuding with Candace Cameron Bure. It all started when JoJo was asked on a podcast who was the rudest star, and she said Candace. Why, because Candace didn't take a picture with her at the Fuller House premiere. So, Candace responded with a Bible verse. Then her daughter said something, and then JoJo's mom got involved...and the ultimate who-gives-a-f*ck social media catfight began. Now, JoJo's momma is saying:

“Real, genuine kindness always goes a long way. It’s super easy to quote a Bible verse when everyone is looking at you but morals are what you have when no one is looking.”

True. But all people have bad moments. And maybe, just maybe-- your daughter is a bit asshat-y. The reason she's getting slapped? I would never answer the question "who's the rudest celebrity you've ever met?" Because true rude people are known. No need to keep spreading hate. The reason she's probs the rudes to JoJo? Their belief systems do not align. 

#realtalk


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#2 GWYNETH PALTROW
This bish. Not only does she peddle bullsh*t products and "health" practices, but apparently-- she's got it tough. Check that. Her children do. I know, pass the Kleenex. Not. She said it's really hard for celeb kids because they have to work harder because they're privileged. 

"As the child of someone, you get access other people don't have, so the playing field is not level in that way. However, I really do feel that once your foot is in the door, which you unfairly got in, then you almost have to work twice as hard and be twice as good. Because people are ready to pull you down.” 

Cue the violins.

The reason why it's tough for your kids is one is named Apple and the other is Moses.

One's a fruit, and the other's on a mountain waiting for you to STFU so he can come back down.

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#1 WILL SMITH
Just when you thought "the slap" would go away. It won't. Because Will won't stop addressing it. Will took to social media to apologize to Chris Rock. Though he hasn't done it personally to Chris, because Chris isn't ready. So, Will said "sorry" to Chris' mom, his family, and Tony.

"There’s no part of me that thinks that’s the optimal way to handle a feeling of disrespect or insults... If you hang on, I promise we’ll be able to be friends again.”

Yes. Because we used to hang out at Swenson's and then go home and braid each other's hair. Stop it! Why go public? Need  to push an upcoming movie? Zip your lip until you actually speak to your victim first. Which he is not interested in doing. In fact, Chris addressed it on stage this way:

“Everybody is trying to be a f—ing victim. If everybody claims to be a victim, then nobody will hear the real victims. Even me getting smacked by Suge Smith … I went to work the next day, I got kids. Anyone who says words hurt has never been punched in the face.”

For the record, Will said that Jada made him apologize publicly. Which is only fitting since her death stare is what got everyone in this situation in the first place.

Please take your midlife crisis off of social media. Jada needs you to rub her feet.

No Joshin'

5/27/2022

 
​Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!
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Offenders for the week ending May 27th, 2022:

via GIPHY

#3 TRAVIS BARKER AND KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN
These two had their lavish, showy wedding in Italy. And they're getting flack from us commoners for the food they served at the reception. Guests were treated to freshly prepared pasta at their tables. But how dare these two wealthy celebs only dish out a measly palm-sized portion. One fan saw the IG post on Kylie Jenner's page and lost her shizz:

                     "Personally if a portion isn’t the size of my face I’m not interested.”

Actually, that is the proper size of pasta to consume. We Americans are accustomed to biggie this, and biggie that.  Remember, these Hollywood folks barely eat, so that was like a year's worth of pigging out!

No slap for the newlyweds. This slap is for the rest of us who need to occasionally take the feedbag off. LOL

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#2 WILL SMITH
We see what you're trying to do here, William. On a David Letterman's podcast, the slapper discussed his memoir and opened up about his troublesome family dynamic growing up. 

“When I was 9 years old, I saw my father beat up my mother, and I didn’t do anything. And that just left a traumatic impression of myself as a coward.”

Obviously, childhood trauma sticks with you no matter who you are or what you achieve. But... the excuse calderon is brewing. He couldn't help but slap Chris Rock because he flashed-back to when he was 9 and couldn't protect his mom, and when Chris made fun of his wife, he needed to defend her honor even though he found the joke funny....

Blah, blah, blah.

And you know what? I'm sure many people will give him a pass. They have already. No cancelling the Fresh Prince.

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#1 JOSH DUGGAR
This extremely large POS is getting as much punishment as the law allows. Because if we could exist outside of the law, this non-human would get a whole lot more than 12.5 years in prison. He was found guilty of possessing child porn in December 2021 after a 6-day trial and a 7-hour deliberation. 

This isn't his first pervo rodeo. We know all about his touching his own sisters when he was a teenager. And now he's a married man with lots of kids. Gross. Hopefully, they'll change their last name to escape your disgrace. 

I'm pretty sure you won't be having a fun time in prison. Because even criminals have a code. And they surely do not like those crimes you're guilty of. Say "hi" to Jared Fogel. Enjoy, bitch.

Vamping Vampires

4/29/2022

 
​Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!
​

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Offender for the week ending April 28th, 2022:

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#3 WILL SMITH
Now that the buzz has died down from the slap-heard-'round-social-media, Mr. Jada Pinkett is holed-up in India. The reason? Spiritual purposes. Because as he put it:

"Change takes time, and I am committed to doing the work to ensure that I never again allow violence to overtake reason.”

Then free yourself from that scary pink pouch of yours. You'd be instantly zen away from her 100%. Also, No amount of zen and incense will flush the douche away. Sorry.

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#2 BILL MURRAY
We all know this dude is eccentric. But pervy, too? That "inappropriate behavior" that he was accused of on the set of "Being Mortal"? Getting too touchy-feely with a female on the production. A source says:

“He was very hands-on touchy, not in any personal areas, but put an arm around a woman, touched her hair, pulled her ponytail — but always in a comedic way. It is a fine line and everybody loves Bill, but while his conduct is not illegal, some women felt uncomfortable and he crossed a line.”

Another source dropped this:

“(Bill) Loves women and loves to flirt, he enjoys poetry and romance, he’s always flirting, but it is always couched in comedy. It isn’t clear if he crossed a line.”

But the plot thickens. Guess he's a little anger-management-y at times? According to Ben Dreyfuss, son of actor Richard, who was a bodyguard on the set of "What About Bob?" says Mr. Bill got mad when producer Laura Ziskin wouldn't give him a day off, so he allegedly ripped her glasses right off her face. And when Richard complained about it, Bill allegedly threw an ashtray at Richard. 

Perhaps his intentions were "Lost in Translation"... I'll slap myself for that one...

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#1 MGK and MEGAN FOX
Megan's confirmed that she and Machine Gun Kelly drink each other's blood-- for ritual purposes.

             “It’s just a few drops, but yes, we do consume each other’s blood on occasion.”

And it's a "controlled" situation. Whew! I was worried! Not.

Maybe more non-celebrities do this than I know of? But it seems like a celebrity thing, like: "We're so artistic and creative and evolved that we must do stupid sh*t like drink blood because it increases our power in the Universe" or something like that. A non-celeb drinking blood would be considered a psycho or serial killer...

I wonder if they sit around and then talk about how each other's blood tastes. You know: "This 80s vintage is quite good. Oh, yes. I detect a hint of Herps with notes of Jagermeister and Xanax." 

Men in Smack

4/1/2022

 
​Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!
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Offender for the week ending April 1st, 2022:

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#3, #2, #1 WILL SMITH
The smack heard 'round the world has landed Mr. Smith on the list, taking all the spots. The dude who was once the go-to box office darling; the chill rapper who dropped rhymes about Summertime and Gettin' Jiggy Wit It is now the angry, cuckold man child for his stunt at the Oscars. Yeah, I said "stunt". And what a giant kitty you really are. You were laughing at Chris Rock's G.I. Jane joke. Your wife was smiling uncomfortably. After she shot you the "death stare" you casually strolled up to the stage and slapped Chris. Then you went back to your seat and swore at him. I hope Jada let you sleep in bed next to her that night. I wouldn't want to sleep in the garage, either, if I didn't jump when called to by my overbearing wife.

After not apologizing that night during your Oscar-winning acceptance speech, Will offered this:

“Violence in all of its forms is poisonous and destructive. My behavior at last night’s Academy Awards was unacceptable and inexcusable. Jokes at my expense are a part of the job, but a joke about Jada’s medical condition was too much for me to bear and I reacted emotionally. I would like to publicly apologize to you, Chris. I was out of line and I was wrong. I am embarrassed and my actions were not indicative of the man I want to be. There is no place for violence in a world of love and kindness. I deeply regret that my behavior has stained what has been an otherwise gorgeous journey for all of us.” 

Blah, blah, blah.

This is just a big joke in a world where wrong is right and right is wrong. You're not sorry. Not truly. Look at all the attention you've gotten! And you won't get cancelled, cuz, it's YOU. Hollywood Star. With the quick wit you possess, you could've easily verbally shut that joke down. But now you're an emasculated laughing-stock to us real people that have made you rich.

F*ck you. And your entitlement. And your hurt little feelings. You're a disaster. There are ways to defend your loved ones, and ways to embarrass them. You put the "ass" in embarrassment. Congrats. I've got a statue for you to stick somewhere.

Dad. Joke.

12/3/2021

 
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​​Offender for the week ending December 3rd, 2021:    

via GIPHY

#3 WILL SMITH
For whatever reason, I'm no longer Team Will. And I don't know why... maybe I sensed this story and that's a part of it? Anywho, Willie is on blast- thanks to comedian Langston Kerman. But why, you may wonder... for Will's silly dad jokes that he posts on the IG. Guess the jokes aren't Will's. In fact, he supposedly hires other comics to write the jokes, then makes them sign NDAs. Langston said:

"I know so many comedians who had to sign NDAs to help Will Smith write silly dad jokes for Instagram, and now this n*gga is out here talking about throwing up from p*ssy poisoning. Rich people are wild."

If you're scratching your head over this reference, Will just released an autobiography in which he admitted that he had sex with so many women that he developed a "psychosomatic reaction" to reaching the Big O, saying:

                         "It would literally make me gag and sometimes even vomit."

Well, some women have bat caves that are musty... 

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#2 KATIE THURSTON, Reality TV Star/The Bachelorette
It's so amusing that people think they can find true love on a reality TV show. Love is hard (so to speak) to find IRL. But Katie gave the college try and found her fiancée Blake. For a hot minute. Cuz she done moved on to another bachelor from the same season, John Hersey. Who she sent home in week two. But they remained friends, and now are a thing. And Blake didn't see it coming:

“I really don’t think there was any physical cheating there, but there [was] clearly emotional [cheating] for it to transition as quickly as it did. I feel stupid and foolish for allowing it to happen, to some degree... I know they spent a lot of time together and stuff but there's just no way. I never had an inkling. I am just a very secure guy and I give my trust out 100 percent, especially to the person who I should be trusting the most."

Those Reality Steve rumors that Katie was spotted at the bar that John tends were true. Perhaps he was tending her hair bar, too. We'll see how long this one lasts. Because after watching the episode where we met Katie's mom and aunt, Blake is better off. Those two ladies are def men-haters. I imagined the duo going on a dick-ripping-off spree and making a big weenie roast. 

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#1 AARON CARTER
This dude defines messy. Like, look up the phrase "shit show" in the dictionary. His picture is there. At least in our dictionary it would be. He and his fiancée, Melanie Martin, have called it quits. Oh... she just gave birth to their son. A week ago. But she had it coming because she talked to Aaron's family-- whom he's estranged. Per Hot Mess Aaron:

“There has been a very big lie and my sister communicating w my ex fiancé [SIC] ruined everything considering she knew what angel tried to do to me in court thanks angel (Aaron's twin) you ruined my family. God bless... I have the most conniving deceiving family and Melanie has been lying to me the whole time communicating with my twin sister and the family members who tried to put me in prison and who tried to get a conservatorship on me in court."

Did you get all that? And... Melanie is supposedly taking their son, named Prince, to Vegas. Not to play the slots, though that wouldn't shock me, but to live-- sans Aaron. 

But remember, he's not crazy. I've met him before. Perhaps he's just a skosh cray. Or a dump truck full...

    About The Slap

    I lovingly call out celebs for their naughty behavior. Sometimes a 'slap' is a needed wake-up call. ;)

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