Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior - Haus of V

Catfished

6/19/2020

Offenders for the week ending June 19, 2020:

#3 KYLIE JENNER

Who cares how you spend your money? We wouldn't care, unless you go public and bitch and moan about your piles of money not being piled high enough. Kylie lost her Youngest Billionaire status (or some title like that) from Forbes magazine when "the receipts" showed that she was only worth $900 million. She was so bummed.

If you want to keep such status, perhaps you shouldn't purchase your own private jet. Your own private pink jet and name it Kylie Air. Because private jets are really expensive to maintain. Suck it up and fly first class like lesser celebs.

#2 DINA LOHAN

We see where Lindsay inherited her dumbness. From you. Dina is engaged again to Jesse Nadler-- you know, her online boyfriend. The toxic twins have been on-again, off-again, and now betrothed. That is, after they both sobered up in April and decided it was true love?

Oh, we forgot to mention that Dina still has never seen Jesse in person. Ever.

Catfish anyone?

Thank goodness you can't reproduce anymore..

#1 MAMA JUNE

This is why we don't make "stars" out of rednecks. Real rednecky rednecks. Because they can't help but be true to their redneck tendencies, no matter how many fab opportunities are placed at their feet! Mama June has suckled off the teet of three reality shows and made a disgusting amount of cash- which she has not spent wisely.

She admitted to one of her daughters in a recent episode of her reality show that she spends $2,500 per day on her drug habit.

That's $17,500 a week; $70,000 a month; $840,000 a year.

WTF!?!?! Many people don't even make $70,000 a year, yet alone have $70,000 to blow (pun intended). This is why we don't make tw%t skanks famous.

Remember. This is the same ho rag that dated a known pedophile and kept dating him even after he molested one of her daughters.

Flushed Cheeks

5/8/2020

Offenders for the week ending May 8, 2020:

#3 MAMA JUNE

You can take the gal out of the redneck zone, but you can't take the redneck... you know what I'm sayin'. Mama June is a disaster that has profited from pimping her Honey Boo Boo to reality TV stardom, as well as herself, but her fame turned to infamy-- and apparently June needs some cash.

She's launched her official website (which only has one good picture of her from those long-ago days when she dropped a few lbs.) and has an option for her "fans" to pay her $50 for a customized video message. Drop $15 and she'll send a text. Uhhmmmm. No thanks. Sadly, some other rednecks would love to get a greeting from this alleged drug user/seller who dated an alleged pedophile who then allegedly attacked one of her daughters. You seriously want a message from this POS?

Her existence kinda ruins the month of June...

#2 ELON MUSK & GRIMES

Cool that you want to downsize your life, E, and get back to simpler ways because $38 billion is a burden. Don't know if I could handle it (insert eye roll.) When you're the child of famous people who have a lot of money, it's okay to have an "interesting" name. Because you don't have to live in the real world. But to name your child a series of letters and symbols? Glad you have enough money to pay for therapy! Grimes is apparently Elon's mid-life crisis flavor because she's... "interesting"... The couple welcomed their first child, a boy named: X Æ A-12

Ralph is such a lovely name. Oh, wait. What in the af is his name? Grimey elaborates:

" X is the unknown variable. Æ, my eleven spelling of Ai (love &/or Artificial Intelligence). A-12 = precursor to SR-17 (our favorite aircraft). No weapons, no defenses, just speed. Great in battle, but non-violent + (A = Archangel, my favorite song) (metal rat)."

Good. Lord. Because Elon Jr is too normal.

What should we expect from a man named Musk and a chick with a name that makes me think "dirt"?

#1 HODA KOTB & SAVANNAH GUTHRIE

Matthew McConaughey is McConahottie for a reason-- because he's hotttttt. And Hoda and Savannah aren't immune to his sizzle. The two apologized for making comments off air about His Hotness-- comments he heard. And it wasn't even naughty at all. Savannah conveys what she said during a commercial break:

"I'm going to bring you in (Hoda) to say hi to Matthew. And (Hoda) said, 'Alright, but if something's going on with you two, and it's great, you don't need to bring me in.' And I said, 'Well yeah, if there's some magic happening, then I won't.'"

And then two made some comment about virtually making out with him. Lame and tame. I would've said:

"I'd like him to play my ass like those bongos he loves to bang..."

Amateurs. Anywho, we're not going to slap you. We're going to spank you. Because we know you two vixens need some discipline. Wink, wink.

The Cyrus is Spreading

10/18/2019

Offenders for the week ending October 17, 2019:

#3 MAMA JUNE

You can take the trash out, but it's still trash. This unfortunate reality TV star had it all, except class and common sense, but we digress. She and her loser boyfriend, Geno Doak (or is that D*ck?) have both entered "not guilty" pleas in their crack cocaine possession case. These two starred in the We TV reality series "From Hot to Not." The two didn't show up in an Alabama courtroom, which disappointed the reality TV crew. (Why does she still have a show?)

Anywho... the last time Doak was in court, he shouted a homophobic slur and cussed out a photographer. Why can't this slob-y wench disappear?

#2 JON GOSSELIN

This dude continues to be an embarrassment to the Korean people, as well as the male gender in general. He's still unhappy with his ex-wife, Kate. I get it. He's not thrilled that Kate continues to film "Kate Plus 8" with their children-- the youngest six are all 15 now. Sure, a judge ruled that filming isn't the best thing for the kids. But methinks Jon protesting isn't because of his love for his children:

"(The network) didn't care. It's really upsetting that big businesses and big corporations go do whatever they want, against a parent's legal right. I do know what (Kate's) capable of, whether it's mental or physical (abuse). I have two kids in my house who left a whole pile of money behind. They left fame and money and came to my house. They left it all behind."

And you left your (steady, high-paying) engineering job to pursue your nightclub-DJ dreams (not-so-steady, maybe a one-time big pile... of money). You can'T support eight kids without a J-O-B. Miss that reality money yourself, don't you?

#1 CODY SIMPSON AND MILEY CYRUS

Is Miley's bucket list really a f*ckit list-- like, anything that moves? She dumped her lady love for some Oscar Mayer, in the form of Cody Simpson. He says their uglies-bumpin' "wasn't sudden" and "he's very happy." Wasn't Miley recently really happy with what's-her-face? And if this wasn't sudden, then was she cheating on the lady she was cheating on her husband with? Exactly. It hurts your head, no? Cody says:

"We just have a ball (or two-- wink, wink) and that's the most important part of a relationship. The reason why it's not like... it hasn't been a really crazy sudden thing is we've been friends for so long that when we sort of found each other again in a space where... We both met back in the day when we were partying a lot. We had a lot of fun then... but now we've found each other in a space where we're not partying, working real hard and just like (to) keep things healthy."

But I thought the reason Miley dumped that chick was because it was moving too fast towards commitment? Maybe she just needed to fill the hole... in her heart...

Why does anyone want this hazmat vag? It's not golden. Gooey, maybe...

Becky With the Bad Move

3/22/2019

Offenders for the week ending March 22, 2019:

#3 SHEP ROSE, Southern Charm cast member

What is it with rich folk? Yes, they don't live in reality. Nor do the have to deal with reality. Usually. This born-into-privilege reality TV star got booted out of an event for acting a fool-- just like the rest of us! Look-- he has something in common with common toolbags!

Shep (total rich person name-- LOL) hit up The Players Championship Friday at TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Vedra Beach, FL. He had an awesome view of the 17th hole from inside the Dye Pavilion VIP tent. So, he acted like an assh*le, gettin' crunk. He was belligerent and pestering guests. If that weren't enough, he thought he'd bust-a-move-- blocking everyone's view. One woman wasn't havin' none of that mess, so she asked Shep to leave. He said no. That's when the popo came in and escort him away without incident.

For the sake of humanity and your liver, get your drinking under control!

#2 MAMA JUNE

This creature is the reason why Americans are hated. We've glorified white trash and made her a celebrity. Yes, out of curiosity I've watched some of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and her weight loss reality show, Mama June: From Not to Hot. Yes, I regret losing precious brain cells and moments of my life that I can no longer recover. But I've learned my lesson.

This P.O.S. has bumped her "briar thicket" with a known pedophile-- a pedo that had molested one of her own daughters. And now, this wealthy P.O.S. has been charged with drug possession. Her equally repulsive boyfriend, Eugene Doak has also been charged. The two have been dating for three years, and they want to make it legal.

Perhaps they can get married in their matching orange jumpsuits.

Mama Dumb further proves that you can lose one of your necks, but you can't lose your redneck ways.

#1 LORI LOUGHLIN

If I were Lori's attorney, I'd be telling her to STFU! The more she flaps her lips in an attempt to curry favor, the more damage she creates. First of all, she's all bent because Hallmark fired her because of her alleged college admissions cheating scandal. Hallmark is the feel-good-vanilla channel. Well, she missed John Stamos' wedding because of Hallmark. They owe her!

"They were taking Candace (Cameron Bure) and I-- all the Hallmark executives were taking us to the Super Bowl... we already committed to that."

Waaaaaah! Your privilege, again, got you somewhere not many else can go. You probably don't even like football!

Then, she opened her pie hole and tried a different approach... through a "source".

"Lori is a really great mom who is completely into her kids and family life. She lives and breathes for her husband and children... Her intentions were pure."

You know what? Let's let this one pass then. NOT! She loves her spoiled brat kids who give zero f*cks about even going to college. Her intentions may have been pure, but her (alleged) actions of paying someone to doctor test scores and photoshop pictures is cheating and illegal. A 5-year-old could tell you that those actions are wrong. With this logic, I guess I could physically slap all these offenders because my intentions to give them a "wake up call" is pure. So, no assault charge for me!

Seriously, we need to stuff a bag of sweaty ones in her mouth to shut her up. The excuse-making is insulting to those of us with sense.

The Girl Who Cried (Wolf)

8/23/2018

Offenders for the week ending August 24, 2018:

#3 LUANN DE LESSEPS, from the Real Housewives of New York

When you agree, legally, to provide for your children-- no matter their age-- then you follow through. That's the right thing to do.

When the former countess got divorced, she took possession of their Bridgehampton, New York, mansion. She was supposed to create a trust where her children (who are now adults) would receive half the interest in the home. But she did not. Must've forgotten during one of her many adult beverage binges. Oopsies.

So, her ex and her children are suing. And rightfully so, even though LuLu's feelings are hurt:

"First of all, I found out about this whole story... in the press so that was devastating... I felt betrayed."

What are your children to say?: "Hey, Mom. You're f*cking us over. Stop."

Perhaps your ex is trying to tell you to get your shizz together and quit embarrassing his family's name. There's a thought.

Stealing from your kids? That's the lowest of low.

#StankyRankThief

#2 MAMA JUNE

This is proof why the revenge diet sucks. One should be focused on making improvements for oneself, not to "get back" at the person who dumped you. Because unless you realize that the changes you make are permanent, lifestyle changes for your betterment-- you're just going to regress.

Everyone made a big ol' deal about how the reality TV star lost a bunch of weight. At her heaviest, she tipped the scales at 460 pounds. She then got surgery, exercised and dieted, and ended up a size four. But that didn't last long. She admits to gaining 50 pounds back, and is now resting at 200 pounds.

"You've got to love yourself no matter who you are. I was 350 pounds to 150 pounds and now I'm back up to 200 pounds. People just need to learn to love who they are."

#True, but... if you are unhealthy and constantly putting your body through drastic changes, and it looks like you ate the skinnier version of yourself, your love of self is just a way to justify your lifestyle. If this all weren't insidious enough... this:

Mama said she gained back her weight because she's blind in her right eye, got a bunch of surgeries for it, and....

#NiceTry.

#1 ASIA ARGENTO

Perhaps those that shout the loudest are actually the most guilty.

The asstress was the first to accuse Harvey Weinstein of sexual assault. And now, guess who's being accused of assaulting an underage male? Yup.

Here's the deets:

Jimmy Bennett has accused Asia of sexually assaulting him in a room at The Ritz-Carlton in Marina del Rey in 2013--a mere two months after his 17th birthday. She was 37. Bennett claimed she gave him alcohol, kissed him, played a symphony on his skin flute, then bumped uglies. First of all, vurp. Dude was 17. Second of all, the two starred in a movie back in 2004 when he was a little boy. Pedo-fantasy much?

After the encounter, she posted an Instagram photo:

"Happiest day of my life reuniong with @jimmymbennett. xox."

Bennett later asked for $3.5 million in damages for emotional distress, lost wages, assault and battery.

She did pay him off, kind of. She claims her dead boyfriend, Anthony Bourdain, made the payment to make him go away.

While it's true in some cases people are looking for a pay day, Bennett was a child in the eyes of the law when you decided you needed some wang.

I hope she doesn't try to use the "learned behavior" excuse. Oh, and how convenient to blame your dead boyfriend. Must've been true love for you, right. Piss farm.

#PotandKettleMeet

A Has-Been Reality...

4/28/2017

Offenders for the week ending April 28,2017:

Yes. Skate backwards. Back to when you had a career...

#3 SCOTT BAIO

The hits keep coming for Chachi-- who must love the taste of leather. As in shoe-in-mouth. With the passing of Erin Moran, Baio posted a really nice tribute on social media expressing his "sincere" condolences. Oh what a difference a day makes. Cuz he had a different tune during a radio interview, where he slammed his former co-star for her battle with addiction:

"I knew Erin well, [but] over the last many years I have not spoken with her. She was just an insecure human being and fell into this world of drugs and alcohol . . . I don't know if that's what killed her, [but] I'm sure it was a culmination of years and years of doing it that might have had something to do with it. For me, you do drugs or drink, you're gonna die. I'm sorry if that's cold, but God gave you a brain, [he] gave you the will to live and thrive, and you gotta take care of yourself."

Bam! Were you speaking truth? Yes. Could you have used some tact and compassion? Hell. Yes. Therefore, get that cheek ready for a slap!

Oh, Holy Sh*t!

#2 KIM KARDASHIAN

From the broad who got famous for parting her legs and treating her "Southern Hemisphere" like an all-you-can-eat pink taco buffet... this. This!!!! Her booty may have broken the internet, but her latest product placement set it on fire! She was on the Instagram blabbing about something, but more importantly-- displayed front-and-center was her new emoji candle. An emoji candle of herself as THE VIRGIN MARY!

So many offended people. And rightly so. You are a lot of things, Kimmie, but virginal?

Bwaaa haaaa haaaa!

There is no orifice that hasn't been been plugged, nor any sexual act not committed by thee. Why, oh, why did you do this? Is it because your hubs thinks he's Jesus? But that would make you his momma... nevermind. I know your existence is all about pushing buttons. So how about you push the eject button right off this planet!

"My milkshake brings all the pedos to the yard..."

#1 REDNECK REALITY STARS

What. The. F*k!?!? It's all such an incestual confederate-flag-bearing gang-bang. I admit it. I raise my hand. I watched Mama June: From Not to Hot. I had a weird fascination with these creatures that are paid large sums of money to be trashy. Mama June became estranged from one of her daughters because momma was dating a pedophile. A pedophile that raped her own daughter. So... after June and Sugar Bear called it quits, he married a 'neck named Jennifer. Who was previously married to a, wait for it.... PEDOPHILE!

The dating pool is wider than your relatives and children. Disgusting. Both June and Jen are mothers. How can mothers knowingly hook-up with these sh*tstains?!?!? And-- you know it's wrong, because you both tried to hide your douchebag dalliances. The time has come to not reward the bottom feeders anymore. I have a great idea for new reality show: let's get all you hilljacks together, let you roam in the woods, and we get to hunt you Hunger Games-style.

Giddy up!

PHOTO CREDITS:
Kim candle: flickr
GIFs www.giphy.com

Here Comes The Flatstepper...

2/24/2017

And he's not an historical gangster... (Shout out to Ini Kamoze.)

Offenders for the week ending February 24, 2017:

This week's Slap-ees will each receive a custom trending topic.

"Yeah... you like this!"

#3 LISA RINNA

I don't know about you, but the first thing I do when I get out of the shower is take a selfie. A nude selfie.

NOT!

I'm not a celeb, so my first thought is moisturizing. But I digress... The lovely Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star posted a fully nude pic on Instagram (minus the cookie jar-- sorry, guys.) A strategically-placed chair hid her Entenmann's Crumb Cake. Rinna is no stranger to droppin' the panties. She's posed for Playboy twice, and because the mag recently announced its return to nekkid pics-- she decided to celebrate. She even used the hashtag "thefemalebodyisbeautiful". Then, for whatever reason, she took the picture down.
What!?!?

That's what I have a problem with. Yes, it's cliche to post flesh pics. Yawn. But sprout a pair of hairy kiwis and keep it up there!

Your Custom Trending Topic: #freethedrapesandcarpet

"Y'all want some of this jelly?"

#2 MAMA JUNE

We thought they were gone for good. But like a stubborn ass pimple, they're back! Join Mama June and the kiddos in her new reality TV show "Mama June: From Hot To Not". The Chronicles of No-nia follows our favorite matriarch's weight loss journey and her search for luuuuuuv. Maybe even lady love. Yup, goin' from Sugar Bear to Sour Puss. I'm praying that the latter doesn't become another show for her:

"Mama June: From Rooster to Trout"

The reason why I'm slapping her is because she won't go away! And she's forcing me to watch! Yes. Against my will my DVR was set to record this. So frustrating...

Your Custom Trending Topic: #callhermissredneckuniverse

"The Earth and this ball have nothin' in common."

#1 KYRIE IRVING

While on somebody's talk show, our beloved Cavalier shared his belief that the Earth is flat. I can't believe we are still having this debate. And on top of it, the U-S educational system is purposely misleading us! Egads!

A day or two after this revelation, he tried to point out what a deep thinker he actually is by saying it was all a social experiment. Sure. He claims he was trying to point out that there is so much real news out there to talk about, yet he could influence the dynamic with his theory and get people talking about it. Okay.

I'm not buying it. I think you really believe this rubbish, and you got caught, and now you feel foolish. Right? Lemme slap ya so you realize, for sure, the Earth is not flat!

Your Custom Trending Topic: #ElvisAndTupacAreAliveOnFlatEarth

PHOTO CREDIT:
Kyrie Irving https://www.flickr.com/photos/edrost88/
Gifs from www.giphy.com

A Lady, A Tramp, and A Momma...

5/29/2015

Offenders for the week of May 25, 2015:

*This week's slapees will be treated to advice in the form of couplets..

"I'll look okay hairless..." "Wanna look like this, Lady?"

#3 LADY GAGA
OFFENSE: Slave to vanity
The 21st century Madonna took to Instagram to post her pain. What pain is that? The pain of dyeing her hair. Going from a dark brunette to a platinum blonde has taken its toll on her locks. Why don't you stick to your own mantra of: "Baby, I was born this way"? If you're not careful, you're gonna wake up bald. I've lived the whole 'beauty is pain' thing. But please... wear a damn wig-- like you usually do. On the bright side-- at least you're back in the spotlight since you haven't had a hit song since when?

Here's some advice:
When you bleach too much, it goes awry
So please don't bleach your "Southern Pie".

"I'm the smartest person I know!"

#2 KHLOE KARDASHIAN
OFFENSE: Dumbass
She's currently in Dubai-- and she's stirrin' things up. She donned a niqab and hijab-- which are garments worn by women in the Muslim community to cover their head and face. She then had to snap a social media pic with the caption:

"Habibi Love"

Uhmmm... that outraged a lot of people. Hey, Khloe-- those items aren't really fashion accessories. There's a lot of symbolism and controversy surrounding them. Please attempt to educate yourself so you won't enrage others. Or is that too difficult since it requires a brain to think?

Here's some advice:
It's unwise to say things on the whim
Even for you-- a big, scary "shim".

"If TLC were a pie, I would eat it!"

#1 MAMA JUNE
OFFENSE: Hypocrite
Feeling the need to put her two tons in, the former reality TV star decided to give her opinion about TLC amidst the Duggar molestation scandal. She's threatening to sue the network if it doesn't cancel "19 Kids and Counting" because her show was canceled last October following reports she was dating a convicted child molestor-- a man accused of abusing one of her own daughters! Yes, you may be right. A double standard may exist with the network, but a lawsuit? You don't have a ham hock to stand on.

How 'bout you get your own matters in order?

Here's some advice:
One should not be a thrower of stones
When you're jumpin' on a pedophile's "bone".

PHOTO CREDIT:
Mama June: https://www.flickr.com/photos/lwpkommunikacio/
Khloe Kardashian: https://www.flickr.com/photos/evarinaldiphotography/
Lady Gaga: https://www.flickr.com/photos/hotgossipitalia/

Shrinkage!

1/23/2015

Offenders for the week of January 19, 2015:

"Does my roll rust make u horny?"

#3 MAMA JUNE
OFFENSE: Repulsive
Her hot mess of a personal life includes dating a known child molester. And if that weren't horrific enough, the molester molested her own daughter! Sick. This Baby-Huey-wannabee is still in the spotlight, because she and her on-again/off-again husband/partner belly-banger, Sugar Bear, may be back on reality TV doing couples therapy. The reality show I wanna see: Punch the Pin(~)ata. The only thing I fear, though, is the biohazardous waste that would pour out of her. Sorry...

"It's so exhausting being so stoopid. Whew!"

#2 KIM KARDASHIAN
OFFENSE: Crybaby
In a recent interview, (insert sarcastic tone) Kim laments the tough life she leads. It's soooo hard having nannies and handlers, and butt-buffers. And-- the evil paparazzi! Boo. Hoo. Try working for a living. Like, 70-hours-a-week-at-three-different-jobs working. Then see how badly you need a day off. I know it must be difficult for you to actually construct a thought. Surely, you've confused "thot" and "thought" often. Now, go oil your cartoon-ish body and slip-n-slide your way out of the Universe!

*NOTE: A "thot" is defined by Urban Dictionary as: a hoe. For example: "LeShawnda may be yo woman, but she my main thot."

"Is Giselle available to fluff these balls?"

#1 BILL BELICHICK
OFFENSE: Lying flat sack
More air leaking out of Deflate-Gate's controversial figurehead. The man who won't let a fart pass without his permission claims he had no idea about this whole small-balls thing. Instead, he threw Tom Brady under the bus. Because as the QB, Tom's obsessed with the condition of his balls. I'm sure he is, since wifey Giselle has had his balls since Day One. But, really Billy? No one is buying this. You're a known cheater. You spy on people, and hire lip-readers-- whatever it takes to get the advantage. What's next, Jock-Gate? Where you Bengay the opposing team's jocks so they're distracted and smellier?

P.S. Where the hell was all the cheating when you coached the Browns? Bastard.

PHOTO CREDIT:
Mama June: https://www.flickr.com/photos/lwpkommunikacio/
Kim Kardashian: https://www.flickr.com/photos/keithallison/
Bill Belichick: https://www.flickr.com/photos/keithallison/