Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

I Wanna Be a Billionaire

9/13/2019

Offenders for the week ending September 13th, 2019:

#3 KYLIE JENNER

This is a preemptive slap, as in: don't eff things up so I have to slap you for legit reasons. Kylie was recently bestowed the honor of being the youngest self-made billionaire. Granted, all the Kardashians and Jenners owe Momma Kris for shopping Kim's buck-naked film for lots of cash and too much reality TV time. But I digress. Her family lovingly teases Kylie for being so damned rich:

"When we're in a group chat talking about where we should go for a trip, they're like, 'Kylie? You going to pay for it?'"

HA HA HA! Oh, the ribbing wealthy folk must endure!

We're excited when we can pay off our Carnival cruise beforehand. Just make sure your money is well-invested so you don't end up like MC Hammer or Lindsay Lohan.

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#2 LORI LOUGHLIN

In a "DUH!" moment, Aunt Becky admitted that she should've taken a plea deal like Felicity Huffman did in the Operation Varsity Blues scandal. Sources say she didn't realized the seriousness of the situation. Seriously?

"Lori was inclined to take the deal, but Mossimo said it would ruin both of their careers."

Uhmmm....
1. Damage done.
2. Jail time is better than a plea deal?
3. I thought you thought you were innocent...

Well, they are innocent. In their world. They believe they're being targeted for their wealth. Your wealth-- and throwing it around-- is what got you into this mess to begin with so, eff off.

Maybe Mossimo can design some fetch accessories for your orange jumpsuit.

#1 CHARLIE SHEEN

Oh, Charlie. You've been scary and entertaining throughout the years. From #Winning, to Tiger's Blood, to Heidi Fleiss-- the ride that is Charlie has been interesting. But one thing that's not forgivable-- not living up to your responsibilities. Ex-wife Denise Richards has taken Chuck to court, claiming he owes $450,000 in back child support.

"Charlie has squandered over $24,000,000 from the sale in his interest in Two and a Half Men to pay his personal debts and to support his extravagant lifestyle at the expense of support payments for his children."

The hot mess is also accused of diverting more than half-a-million dollars to family members (apparently, other than his children) to hide it. Charlie responded via social media:

"D and her legal posse traffic only in fiction. My day in court is painfully overdue. She is behaving like a coward and the truth will prevail."

So eloquent. So bullsh*tty.

Not sorry you have two children with Denise and two with your other ex-wife-- in that case you claim you can't get work. Why? Because of your own damned self. You can keep doing the wrong things when it comes to yourself, but you need to do the right thing when it comes to your kids.

Who's the real coward?

#NotWinningDadofTheYear

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Who's Your Mac-n-Cheese Daddy?

2/28/2019

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Offenders for the week ending March 1, 2019:

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#3 ROBERT KRAFT

The owner of the New (nude) England Patriots has entered (LOL) a not guilty plea to soliciting prostitution after back-to-back visits to Orchids of Asia "spa" in Jupiter, Florida. Robert, why? was your heart broken by the death of your wife and the gold-digging ways of your 39-year-old former girlfriend? Did you feel that visiting a "pro" would be drama free?

You have a gajillion dollars. You could've bought some classy, drama free, primo kitty time. Or in this case, a hands-on experience and skin flute action. You had to have known you would've been caught. The name of the spa alone puts the illegal activity on blast. Any Asian "spa" that offers table showers, massages, and body treatments will "arouse" suspicion, so to speak.

But maybe we have it all wrong. Here are two thoughts:

1. You caught Yellow Fever. There is no cure. You just need more yellow attention.
2. You are a known philanthropist. Perhaps you've become a "feel-anthropist."

Whatever the case, let's cue your theme song: "I Did it For the Nookie".

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#2 TRISTAN THOMPSON

They teach you ball control on the court, how about trying it in your pants? After getting caught cheating while your girlfriend Khloe Kardashian was preggo with your daughter, you'd think you'd think with that stuff between your ears. Apparently, that thing between your legs is the dominant force in this saga.

This lowdown, dirty butt pimple was caught with his hand in Jordyn Woods' cookie jar. Oh, Jordyn-with-a-Y is Kylie Jenner's BFF. Kylie, of course, is Khloe's sis. Ewwwwww!

The two were "making out" at someone's house party. And they may have rolled around while Jordyn was roommates with Kylie. Tristan, Tristan, Tristan. There are millions of women in the world. Why must you dip so close to home? Are you earning "frequent Kardashian rider points"? Is this some kind of six-degrees-of-Kardashian sex game?

One day, your weener is going to rebel...

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#1 JORDYN WOODS

Congratulations! You've won the Slutbag Skank Award. Why are you tops this week and Tristan isn't? Because you could've said "no" to inviting a spoken-for man's Oscar Mayer into your den of doom. Sources say:

"This is out of character for Jordyn and no one expected this to happen."

Sure. Like the old saying goes: "It takes two two tango". If half of the equation is unavailable, then the dancing can't happen. Perhaps you've taken up "snake charming" as a vocation? And Tristan's was available for practice? Way to ruin your BFF relationship, your friendship with Khloe, and now you're labeled a tramp. Maybe you want to become Kim K famous. Don't hold your breath.

Quit treating your crotch like it's a Golden Corral.

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Whatchu Talkin' 'Bout, Willis?

7/20/2018

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Offenders for the week ending July 20, 2018

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#3 THE FAT JEWISH

There are some days that I feel deeply in my soul that Kris Jenner is the anti-Christ. Seriously. We're inundated with all-things-Kardashian (and Jenner) because brokered the deal for Kim's "vaginal invader video." So let's not help this family gain more notoriety! That means you-- The Fat Jewish!

Mr. Funnypants has set up a GoFundMe for Kylie Jenner so that she can become the world's youngest self-made billionaire. Right now, Kylie is only worth $900 million. Boo-effing-hoo! He's trying to raise the $100 million to put her over the top.

"I don't want to live in a world where Kylie Jenner doesn't have a billion dollars."

Even though you're doing this in jest... don't. For the love of all things sacred, stop stirring the pot! The sheeple will make it happen!

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#2 THOMAS MARKLE

At first, I had compassion for this man. Now, I fully realize he's just an opportunistic penis wad. Yes, your daughter Meghan married Prince Harry. Yes, you missed her wedding. Yes, you haven't been a part of her life for a long while. Yes, you need to go away. This dude has a serious case of the verbal runs. In an exclusive interview with The Sun, daddy believes the pressures of being a royal is already taking its toll on his little girl:

"I see it in her eyes, I see it in her face and I see it in her smile. I've seen her smile for years. I know her smile. I don't like the one I'm seeing now."

He doesn't like the archaic rules and protocol of royalty and thinks Meghan is being suffocated:

"Why in 2018 are we dressing like the 1930s? Why do they have to cover their knees?

True. I don't think a knee has inspired a stiffy, but-- the royals don't want sexualized at all.

And guess what? He's a bit miffed that he can't profit off his daughter, while others can sell items with her likeness on it. Sigh.

"The reason I am being shunned is because I made a profit on the staged pictures."

Zip yo lip, Pops! And to you "journalists" out there-- stop paying this mother fungus to spew!

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#1 BRUCE WILLIS

The debate has raged on for years-- is "Die Hard" a Christmas film. Bruce says:

NO!

How dare ye speak such filth? Bruce gave his opinion after his Comedy Central roast, so perhaps he was bent a bit. Because he's clearly lost his mind. Even the screenwriter says the film can be considered a Christmas movie.

Here's my argument:

1. The movie centers around John flying to Cali to spend time with his corporate wife for CHRISTMAS. He meets her at the office at the company CHRISTMAS party.

2. We hear Run-D.M.C.'s "Christmas in Hollis" in the movie.

3. Uh, remember that classic scene where McClane takes out a baddy and writes "Now I have a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho" on the baddy's sweatshirt?

4. We hear all kinds of sleigh bells!

Eat it, Willis.

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Tattoo Boo!

3/23/2018

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Offenders for the week ending March 23, 2018:

"I'm a ho pirate."

#3 KYLIE JENNER

Why we make these tw*t biscuits celebrities, I'll never understand. But they're great fodder for us. Kylie's taking the heat for giving her newest Kylie Cosmetic blushes salacious names-- because she has a lot of teenage fans. Some of those names include: X Rated, Virginity, and Barely Legal. Social media lit up like the Fourth of July with fury:

"Kylie Jenner decided to name her cheap blushes with even cheaper names. Seems they're named after her life, underage-dating a 20-something dad. Bravo @krisjenner."

Well, when you don't live in reality while the rest of us do-- you don't think of consequences. Frankly, there's no thinking at all.

Here are some blush color names you might want to consider for your next autobiographical blush batch:

Angry Beaver
DNA Dumpster
Schlong Serenade

Or my favorite: STFU Forever F&ck Face.

"Don't mind while I violate you..."

#2 KATY PERRY

Katy's taking the heat for smooching 19-year-old Benjamin Glaze against his will during his recent American Idol audition. He confessed to the panel of judges that he had never kissed a gal because:

"I wanted to save it for my first relationship, I wanted it to be special."

Awwww! But now he's been violated. See, Katy sprung up and offered her cheek (so glad it wasn't her ass cheek) for him to peck. Dissatisfied that Benjamin didn't make the "smush" sound when he kissed her cheek, he tried again. That's when she pulled the ol' switcherooski and he ended up kissing her on the lips.

Gag!

That mouth has been on dirty-butt Russell Brand, known manwhore John Mayer, and many, many more questionable meat platters!

Even though he didn't make it to Hollywood, the kid has class. He says he doesn't feel sexually harassed, and says the kiss doesn't count because it was just physical contact with no emotion behind it. Which is probably how Katy's justified all her dong diving.

"I really am a toolbag!"

#1 BEN AFFLECK

Dude. How many midlife "crises" can you have!?!?! And if you're gonna have two jillion crises, own 'em all! Back in 2016, Benster was spotted with a massive back tattoo-- like, a full-back tattoo. He claimed it was for a movie role.

Well guess, what. NOT! He was recently spotted, sans shirt, with the full-color phoenix rising artwork on his back. And it wasn't pretty for many reasons. Justifiably, the internets went all bat-shit over B-Aff's gaffe. Twitter user Crystal Methanny had this gem:

"Next time you're feeling sad, remember that you're not Ben Affleck so you (probably) don't have a tattoo so big and so ugly and so universally ridiculed that you had to lie and say it was only temporary and just for a movie when it is so clearly not."

Ben's maybe-ex-wife Jennifer Garner is a little disturbed by the supposed meaning behind the tacky tat:

"A phoenix rising from the ashes. Am I the ashes in this scenario? I take umbrage. I refuse to be the ashes."

She should get a phoenix rising tat, too. Except she's definitely rising from the ashes of that asshat.

P.S. Looks like a color wheel threw up on you.

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

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Athletic Sir-porters...

9/29/2017

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Offenders for the week ending September 29, 2017:

"Just call me Waterboy!"

#3 TOM BRADY

I've heard a lot of things: the Earth is flat; the moon walk didn't happen; we live amongst aliens-- you know, the usual stuff. Since Tom is Tom he knows everything, and people will take his word as germane. Like this gem: Did you know that you won't get a sunburn if you drink lots of water?

"When I was growing up, and playing outside in the sun, I got sunburned a lot. I was a fair-skinned Irish boy, after all. These days, even if I get an adequate amount of sun, I won't get a sunburn, which I credit to the amount of water I drink. I always hydrate afterward, too, to keep my skin from peeling."

Okay, Coppertone.

Brady Bunch claims he drinks 2.5 gallons of water every day. 40 glasses of water! I get he's a mega athlete, but when do you have time to do all that drinking!?!? I know that animals that live in the water don't get sunburned, so maybe there's some validity here?

BWAAA HAAAA HAAA! I'm sure some toolbag will try this, go out in the sun and get baked like a lobster... or-- die from internal drowning. Either way, someone will be coming for ya money. Go away, Dr. Faux_Oz!

"I'm so in love with myself!"

#2 PEREZ HILTON

Rumor has it that 20-year-old Kylie Jenner is preggo. While no one is confirming nor denying the story (I'm sure Momma Opportunist is waiting for the biggest payday), the infamous blogger had this to say about Kylie's potential motherhood:

"In case you haven't been paying attention, Kylie Jenner has been dating rapper Travis Scott for what, um, 5 months, 6 months? And also, a reminder Kylie Jenner is 19-years-old. Um, I love life, I love babies. If I were Kris Jenner, I would tell that girl to get an abortion!"

Wow. I will never be a fan of the Kardashian/Jenner clan, but I am a fan of life. Sure, these ladies are a vacant-headed bunch of sh*t-lips, but at least they have the cash to raise this poor child. Well, as expected, Perez got a lot of heat on the social medias about his comment. His response:

"I know I'm the best father dad! If my daughter was as unready & young as Kylie, I'd tell her to get an abortion too!"

You want equal rights for everything and everyone, but not for human life. Wouldn't you step up as a loving potential grandfather to help your daughter? Just. Stop.

"And Trump's a stinky poopy-head, too!"

#1 LEBRON JAMES

I've had enough of entertainers and athletes trying to tell me what I should think and what I should do. Unfortunately, there are too many that blindly follow the agenda of someone who is wealthy beyond imagination and detached from what the majority actually experiences on the daily. It all started when the President revoked his invite to the Golden State Warriors to come to the White House. His Highness, who last I checked, does NOT play with G.S., tweeted:

"U bum (Stephen Curry) already said he ain't going! So therefore ain't no invite. Going to White House was a great honor until you showed up!"

Poignant. How is name calling someone you claim is a name-caller and a racist and a million other things accomplishing anything? Do you not realize that you spewing hate makes you a hypocrite? Lebron claims that Mr. Trump is using sports to divide us. Nope. You are. Why not use your platform to share what we should be standing for, not against? Why not share with me ways that we can be better as humans, you know-- something positive, evolved, helpful!?!?!?!

But that would make sense. So easy just to stir it up, then leave the scene.

You're an ambassador for your sport. You've given back more to your home community than you need to. But really, STFU.

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

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The 3-Ds...

6/19/2015

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Offenders for the week of June 15, 2015:

This week we assign our Slapees new names based on their offense...

"Can we rename the show Full Fifth House?"

#3 JOHN STAMOS
OFFENSE: Dumb
Our favorite Greek dish is in trouble with the law. He was pulled over for speeding and taken to the hospital for medical attention, where it was discovered that he did not have a 'condition', but was instead-- drunk. Boo. Things are on a complete upswing for your career with this "Full House" reboot. Stop acting like an idiot!

Come on, Uncle Jessie! You're a grown man-- learn to control your consumption! Get it together or your ass is gonna be flamed like an order of Saganaki!

New name: Ralph "Stoli" Stolichnaya... cuz I suspect you'd be hurlin' after a libation session.

"I sing and stuff... mostly stuff."

#2 KYLIE JENNER
OFFENSE: Delusional
Why oh why do famous folk feel the need to sing? Or shall I say, attempt to sing? Kylie fancies herself a songbird. In fact, she's taking vocal lessons and working on a 'secret' album with her man Tyga. There are so many truly talented, struggling musicians amongst us-- but obviously we need to hear whatever drivel she has to offer (Sense the sarcasm?) But-- Kylie is serious, and her mommy Kris says she has a lot of talent!

Break out the auto tune, which is par for the course, considering most things on her are fake anyways.

Stick to your strength-- being Tyga's oral archivist.

New name: Pink-lipped Booby Bird... cuz I think your "southern" lips might sound more compelling.

"I don't even have DNA results to prove I'm human..."

#1 RACHEL DOLEZAL
OFFENSE: Deviant
I don't even know where to begin with this creature-- the former Spokane, Washington, NAACP leader. You may 'identify' as an African-American, but you truly are not a minority. Try living your life faced with discrimination and name-calling by some. It's an insult to us who have actually had to live a life outside the majority.

Sure, you may have done some good in your role at the NAACP. But bottom line: you're a filthy liar. And you've soiled any good you've done with your issues. You've lied at every turn, and made other people complicit in your scheme. Toolbag. As they would say in your borrowed African-American culture: Bye, Felicia.

New name: Precious Pinocchio... maybe you can 'identify' with this mashup of the Oscar-award winning movie and the historical fictional fibber.

PHOTO CREDITS:
John Stamos https://www.flickr.com/photos/hyku/
Kylie Jenner https://www.flickr.com/photos/disneyabc/
Rachel Dolezal https://www.flickr.com/photos/cameraguy105c10/

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A Clan of "C U Next Tuesdays" (?)

1/30/2015

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(Yeah. The above title might be a little rough.) Offenders for the week of January 26, 2015:

"I hate you." "I hate you more."

#3 KYLIE AND KENDALL JENNER
OFFENSE: Brainless 'beauties'
It's on, bitches! Kylie (on the right) hates her sister Kendall (on the left) because waaaaay back when they were little girls, Kendall cut Kylie's hair really short! Apparently, she's no longer traumatized cuz she's sportin' a shorter 'do. But don't let that B.S. story mask the true reason for her burning hatred-- Momager monster Kris has publicly declared that she is turning her focus from Kim to Kendall-- with the belief that Kendall could be the next Audrey Hepburn. HA HA HA HA HA HA! Really, this entire family should get into comedy. With that aside, I believe the sisters should just catfight it out for momma's attention. But they're probably too lazy for that. Let's have someone else fight on their behalf. I say Jon Gosselin vs. Dustin Diamond. Hey, they both need jobs.

What can Miley fit in her mouth?

#2 MILEY CYRUS
OFFENSE: Bad naked
Miley and her beau-- Patrick Schwarzenegger-- were frolicking in the ocean while vacationing in Hawaii. She, of course, was topless. That's great, because you can save time not having to do extra laundry. But seriously. That's not the problem. That toxic-waste crotch of yours is a problem and could constitute some kind of hazardous spill in the Pacific Ocean. Worse than the Exxon Valdez. Somebody fine this nuisance! She's killing off marine life!

P.S. Best get some sunscreen on them cheese nips, girl, before they look like dried cherries.

#1 KATHIE LEE GIFFORD
OFFENSE:
Why is this Crypt Keeper still on TV? She's threatening to leave the Today show because she's upset at NBC News honcho Deb Turness. I guess boss lady refused to air Kathie Lee's 18-minute musical before the live broadcast of Peter Pan. Egads! Good for Deb! The only time Kathie Lee was interesting was when her Hall of Fame Fossil Frank Gifford cheated on her with an airline stewardess last century. I think she should go back to doing those Carnival Cruise commercials. She could then fall overboard... into the Bermuda Triangle... GONE FOREVER! Maybe that's just my fantasy...

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I Wanna Be a Billionaire

Who's Your Mac-n-Cheese Daddy?

Whatchu Talkin' 'Bout, Willis?

Tattoo Boo!

Athletic Sir-porters...

The 3-Ds...

A Clan of "C U Next Tuesdays" (?)

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