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Wild Thing

10/8/2021

 
​Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!
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​​Offender for the week ending October 8, 2021:    

via GIPHY

#3 CLARE CRAWLEY & DALE MOSS
This is why reality TV has ruined everything. Because we take "normal" people, give them a platform, and revel in their dysfunction. Clare and Dale would be two people we'd steer away from IRL because of their drama, but now? We're down with the mess because we realize their "celebrity" makes them no better than the rest of us with "situations".

These two have been on-again, off-again since Clare blew up Bachelor Nation by leaving her season of the Bachelorette a week in because she found "the one" with Dale. Apparently, he enjoys sharing his "one thing" with other ladies-- and they're done for good. For now. Clare has accused Dale of not being there for her as her mother is dying, for being a publicity hound, and for hooking-up with fellow Bachelor Nation member Abigail Herenger.

Abigail confirmed the encounter with Dale, but was under the presumption that things weren't serious between Dale and Clare. Girl, you're not the first one to ever hear that tale. So, we'll spare you the slap hand. Meanwhile, Dale and Clare-- brace yourselves. You two need to quit each other for good and move on. You don't want the same things and you can't bend another to your will. That's for you, Clare. Dale-- slink away and stop pretending to be a good guy.

via GIPHY

#2 GWYNETH PALTROW
I had hoped she had disappeared, but she's baaaaack, with some other bullsh&t product that we don't need and that she's not qualified to sell: a female libido enhancer. Called DTF. Yes, DTF stands for exactly what it stands for on the streets: Down To F&ck.

While I will give her kudos for catchy product names, there is no way in hell anybody should be buying her overpriced shizz. Seriously. Buy overpriced stuff from someplace else. Anywho, perhaps she was feeling not-so-frisky herself, and therefore felt she would give women a product they can't get anywhere else (but can):

"Everyday stress and anxiety, hormonal changes, exhaustion, age... these can impact our libido and sexual health. So yes, we (with our science and research team) created a supplement that REALLY helps."

DTF contains Libifem fenugreek and shatavari (which sounds like somebody swearing at us) to get things...flowing... while improving mood. 

Look, B. Women have wine for all of that. And maybe some women need to consciously uncouple from the "D" for a hot minute. 

Don't you have a vageen to steam?

via GIPHY

#1 CHARLIE SHEEN
He's so likable as an actor, so loathe-able as a person. And he's such a complete d*ck because he
can-- especially to those that have put up with his b.s. over the decades. The guy that brought tiger blood and #winning into our vernacular can't stop torturing ex-wife Denise Richards. His drug use and wandering wang tore their marriage apart, but she remained amenable and available for the sake of their kids-- who have now turned on her, thanks to Charlie. She even helped raise his children with his second ex-wife so the children would bond and get to know each other better!

Daughter Sam has decided to move in with daddy because she can't tolerate the rules in Denise's house. And even though Charlie is supposedly behind in child support, payments for Sam have been stopped. So, Denise will have to go to court for that. Charlie is playing "good cop" to Denise's supposed "bad cop":

"Everything's a big party. (at Charlie's house). He plays this game with the kids. (sweetening them up) with ice cream and movies and staying up late."

What's next? Mutual drug use. You're quickly becoming a primo POS.

Charlie Sheen
You're so mean
You have a tiny ween
So small it can't be seen
And what's there is probably unclean

I Wanna Be a Billionaire

9/13/2019

 
​Offenders for the week ending September 13th, 2019:

via GIPHY

#3 KYLIE JENNER
This is a preemptive slap, as in: don't eff things up so I have to slap you for legit reasons. Kylie was recently bestowed the honor of being the youngest self-made billionaire. Granted, all the Kardashians and Jenners owe Momma Kris for shopping Kim's buck-naked film for lots of cash and too much reality TV time. But I digress. Her family lovingly teases Kylie for being so damned rich:

"When we're in a group chat talking about where we should go for a trip, they're like, 'Kylie? You going to pay for it?'"

HA HA HA! Oh, the ribbing wealthy folk must endure!

We're excited when we can pay off our Carnival cruise beforehand. Just make sure your money is well-invested so you don't end up like MC Hammer or Lindsay Lohan.

via GIPHY

#2 LORI LOUGHLIN
In a "DUH!" moment, Aunt Becky admitted that she should've taken a plea deal like Felicity Huffman did in the Operation Varsity Blues scandal. Sources say she didn't realized the seriousness of the situation. Seriously?

       "Lori was inclined to take the deal, but Mossimo said it would ruin both of their careers."

Uhmmm....
1. Damage done.
2. Jail time is better than a plea deal?
3. I thought you thought you were innocent...

Well, they are innocent. In their world. They believe they're being targeted for their wealth. Your wealth-- and throwing it around-- is what got you into this mess to begin with so, eff off. 

Maybe Mossimo can design some fetch accessories for your orange jumpsuit.

#1 CHARLIE SHEEN
Oh, Charlie. You've been scary and entertaining throughout the years. From #Winning, to Tiger's Blood, to Heidi Fleiss-- the ride that is Charlie has been interesting. But one thing that's not forgivable-- not living up to your responsibilities. Ex-wife Denise Richards has taken Chuck to court, claiming he owes $450,000 in back child support. 

"Charlie has squandered over $24,000,000 from the sale in his interest in Two and a Half Men to pay his personal debts and to support his extravagant lifestyle at the expense of support payments for his children."

The hot mess is also accused of diverting more than half-a-million dollars to family members (apparently, other than his children) to hide it. Charlie responded via social media:

"D and her legal posse traffic only in fiction. My day in court is painfully overdue. She is behaving like a coward and the truth will prevail."

So eloquent. So bullsh*tty.

Not sorry you have two children with Denise and two with your other ex-wife-- in that case you claim you can't get work. Why? Because of your own damned self. You can keep doing the wrong things when it comes to yourself, but you need to do the right thing when it comes to your kids.

Who's the real coward?

#NotWinningDadofTheYear

UpChuck

8/8/2018

 
Offenders. Offenders for this shortened week:

via GIPHY

#3 ANGELINA JOLIE
How many years now have Angie and Brad Pitt been getting divorced? Things are down-dirty nasty. Apparently Angie is so bent, she wants to kill any relationship Brad has with the kids. 

                    "She's fueled with anger and has gotten ridiculously unreasonable."

Famous celeb-split lawyer Laura Wasser has had enough. Even this bulldog can't take the shizz anymore.  I'm sure this is great for their kids. Not. There have been allegations of alcohol abuse and child abuse-- against Brad. No matter what the issues are between adults, if the children are loved and cared for by both parents-- don't try to taint their opinions or get in the way of that relationship. Act grown!

Girl, you need to get over the anger. Go drink someone's blood and kiss your bro. Maybe you'll feel better. 

via GIPHY

#2 SAMANTHA MARKLE
This family is just so repulsive. The halfwit sister-to-Meghan has bigmouthitis like her daddy does. She just had to put her dirty-butt two cents in when Elle UK published an article that suggested Meghan and Prince Harry were considering life away from the spotlight:

"OK so Cruella de Vil is retreating LOL. Let me know how that works out for you. @KensingtonRoyal."

In the months leading up to the royal wedding, this bloated bitch-bag has been spreading her vitriol for a fat payday:

"Let's face it, we all have to survive. Money makes the world go round, so if you want to call that cashing in, that's fine."

Regardless if what you're saying is the truth...

Your obvious jealousy is sad. We know you're upset because you're fugly-- with a face that resembles stepped-in elephant dung.

via GIPHY

#1 CHARLIE SHEEN
Cue "the world's smallest violin"-- Chuck is broke! Waaaaaaa! He's petitioning the court to have his child support payments modified because the money is done gone. He has two children with Denise Richards, and two with Brooke Mueller. Since 2016, he's been paying $50,000 a month to Brooke, and $20,000 a month to Denise. In addition, he hands over 9.5% of his gross annual income which amounts to $2.1 million. Damn! 

But his financial woes aren't his fault:

"I have been unable to find steady work, and have been blacklisted from many aspects of the entertainment industry."

Perhaps that is indeed the case. But you have yourself to blame. Remember all those hookers and all that blow? Remember your tiger blood and "winning"? Then there's your entire battle with "Two and a Half Men" creator Chuck Lorre... in which you had these lovely things to say about him:

"He's the most miserable f*cking douchebag. The most talentless f*cksack of sh*t of f*cking stupid this side of La Brea."

I don't think you'll find that on any Hallmark card...

You're unemployable because you're a hot-mess-psychopath. Whatever talent you may have is overshadowed by your volumes of bullsh*t. Maybe if you hadn't snorted most of Colombia's gross national product, you might have some money left over. 

Hollow. Like Your Head...

8/4/2017

 
​Offenders for the week ending August 4, 2017:
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Respect your nipples, and they will respect you...
​#3 DAVID IRVING
Our athletes love their bling. Big necklaces; huge diamond stud earrings; pinky rings the size of the moon; and... nipple rings. The Cowboys defensive end has been sidelined because of his injured nipple. David was wearing said jewels during training camp, and it was YANKED out. 

Why in the name of all things joyous are you wearing a friggin' nipple ring to practice? Common sense dictates taking out ALL of your jewelry when engaging in a physical activity. Fortunately, dude didn't get his entire nipple yanked out. Could you imagine? 
​
Now I'm curious. What else is pierced? Should we call you Prince David? Maybe you need titty cups to protect the boob baubles.

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"Why don't you believe me?"
#2 CHARLIE SHEEN
Charlie's pal, Rob Lowe, has this new show on A&E called "The Lowe Files" where Lowe and his sons investigate myths-- like Bigfoot. Well, there was a big revelation on the show, and I don't mean Bigfoot.... Charlie believes the moon is hollow. 

Charlie has no scientific evidence, but instead chooses to believe the conspiracy theory that the moon rings like a bell. Okay. Oh, and a hollow moon is featured in the H. G. Wells novel "The First Men on The Moon." 

Tiger Blood; #Winning; and now this... Thanks for the material.

P.S. But I thought the moon was made of cheese...

Picture
"Tastes like chicken..."
#1 MILEY CYRUS
Oh, Miley. Just when we all thought she's done a complete turnaround... this. Younger sister, Noah, shared the stage with Slimey. The two had fun singing together and soaking the crowd with water guns, until Miley spat in Noah's mouth. Say wha?

                "... she actually spit in my mouth while I was speaking. So that wasn't fun."

While I want to give props to Miley for the perfect shot, I. Just. Can't. Spit is not cool. Spit is gross. Spit is something you choose not to have in your mouth, thus the spitting!

Makes all those photos of your not keeping your tongue in your mouth seem acceptable. By the way, I think you just impregnated your sister. 

​PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

Ye Merry Bag of Richards...

6/26/2015

 
Offenders for the week of June 22, 2015:
This week our Slapees are assigned self-help books they should read...

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"Happy Mother's/Father's/Hamburger Day...."
#3 CAITLYN JENNER
OFFENSE: Confused?

Caitlyn was blowing-up social media, tweeting and posting pictures celebrating Father's Day. So, with the big to-do about your gender re-assignment... what's the deal with celebrating Father's Day? Yes, you fathered several children. But you've been adamant about being addressed as a woman because that is who you are now. Are you going to celebrate Mother's Day? You've asked us to respect your change, so should you. You can't have your cake and eat it, too. 

Your Book Assignment: Instead of "Waking Up The Tiger", yours is "Waking Up The Kitty"-- you're a woman now, so let it purr.

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"Lemme re-title this to Classic Asshat."
#2 DIDDY
OFFENSE: Hot-head

The rapper (is he still a rapper?) is in a heap o' trouble, accused of attacking UCLA Strength and Conditioning Coach Sal Alosi while the dude was on the phone. He claims Coach has an "issue" with his son, Justin, telling the kid to not come back until the end of summer. Diddy confronted Alosi, allegedly swinging a kettlbell at him while dude was on the phone. Diddy's been charged with three counts of assault with a deadly weapon, one count of making terrorist threats, and one count of battery.

Way to go, Dad of the Year. I get standing up for your kid, but nearly beating someone's ass only gets you in trouble-- especially since this guy never laid a hand on your son. He supposedly was "on his case" about whatever. 

Let's change your name from Diddy to Dummy-- because it's accurate. 

Your Book Assignment: Instead of "Awaken the Giant Within", yours is "Silence the DBag Within"... or spend time behind bars.

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"This is the face of the World's Biggest Nipple Chunk"
#1 CHARLIE SHEEN
OFFENSE: Vile

Somebody's off his meds, or doin' too much cocaine, or maybe both. He's gone-off, again, on ex-wife Denise Richards. In his most repulsive rant ever, he's taken to social media calling her:

"a heretic and washed up piglet shame pile" "a piece of shit doosh phace" "worst mom alive!"  

And those are the kindest quotes. Apparently she may have called him a deadbeat dad, because he referenced in one of his angry tweets that he's given her over $30 million in support for their two daughters. 

To me, this woman is a complete saint. Not only has she always taken the high-road with this utter and complete anal boil-- but she even took care of his twin sons with his other ex-wife, Brooke Mueller-- who was unfit to care for her own children. 

Though she could've disparaged him easily, she hasn't because it would hurt his children. 

Your Book Assignment: Instead of "7 Habits of Highly Effective People", yours is (still) "7 Habits of Highly Effective People". The first 7 habits would be shuttin' your big effin' mouth!

PHOTO CREDIT:
Caitlyn Jenner https://www.flickr.com/photos/132177716@N08/
Diddy https://www.flickr.com/photos/khanillion/
Charlie Sheen https://www.flickr.com/photos/58638907@N02/

    About The Slap

    I lovingly call out celebs for their naughty behavior. Sometimes a 'slap' is a needed wake-up call. ;)

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