Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

Forget "Felicia"

6/29/2018

Offenders for the week ending June 29, 2018:

#3 HEATHER LOCKLEAR

Right now, you're the turd swirling the bowl. We're slapping you so you won't end up in the sewer!

Last week, Heather was hospitalized under a psychiatric evaluation for allegedly threatening to shoot herself. Now, she faces misdemeanor charges of battery on a police officer and emergency personnel. She was allegedly drunk and belligerent at her home, then threw a punch at a deputy, and tried to kick an EMT. Back in February, Heather was arrested on charges of domestic violence and misdemeanor battery on an officer after she fought with her boyfriend.

Look, we all have issues. Self-medicating is not a way to cope. You're not alone in your struggles. And you're more than just an actress. You're a mother, and you belong to people who love you. Embrace that!

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#2 ALSC

I know the Association for Library Service to Children isn't a celebrity, but this organization needs slapped. The ALCS is renaming its Laura Ingalls Wilder Award for children's literature because of her portrayal of Native Americans. The president of the organization says Ingalls Wilder's works are not being dismissed, but are not reflective of what they want an award to exemplify. She was born in 1867 and died in 1957. I'm sure her experiences with Native Americans were different than ours. The world was a very different place and times change. Why aren't educators and librarians and these so called smart folk teaching these classics in the context of the times in which they were written. Make this a teachable moment?

That would be the evolved thing to do. But, it's easier to try and alter history. Guess what? Trying to erase history is not going to change anything. You may feel good about yourself, but if you're not educating, this move is all just for show. We can only grow if we learn from mistakes. Trying to hide history makes us destined to repeat it.

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#1 ASHLEY JACOBS (from Southern Charm)

This douche chunk may very well be the most repulsive character on reality TV. If you were ever curious what a psycho looks like, you'd see her pic first. I've endured a lot of annoying reality types on various shows, but this beyotch makes me want to dropkick her right in the babymaker. This skankasaurus maneuvered her way onto Southern Charm by entrapping show co-star/boyfriend Thomas Ravenel within her deathsnatch. She was a nurse in California, but once she met Ravenel in da club, she turned on her charm. And since the alleged Rapenel hasn't met a vajay he can't refuse, they quickly "fell in love." She gave up her life and career to move to South Carolina to be his baby juice dumpster.

After evilly questioning Kathryn Dennis' parenting skills (she's Thomas' baby momma, FYI), she then revealed the quality she loves most about TRav:

"you're a good provider."

Let me translate: You're a money-grubbing trash donkey.

If Ashley were truly smart, she would've played Ravohno way better. If I were Assley, I would've come to Charleston, gotten my nursing license, expressed how all I want to do is be a career woman, and when he complains about not seeing me-- well, you know he'd ask you to quit your job. Perfect. But since all she does all day is troll social media and make up fake accounts to attack Kathryn, she's showing what a true whackadoodle she is.

Hide your men; hide your bunnies. #HiAshley is in da hood! Can #ByeAshley replace "Bye, Felicia"?

Designer Douche

6/22/2018

Offenders for the week ending June 22, 2018:

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#3 CONNOR OBROCHTA (From The Bachelorette)

It never ceases to amaze me how the human race is enthralled with "reality" TV. And it amazes me that The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise is STILL breathing, considering the lack of success rate in finding true love. Now, the only good part about the show (if there are any good parts) are the hot mess
suitors-- obviously only cast for the drama they cause and not for any desire to find lasting love. I honestly don't know who this Connor jerk-chunk is, but he's on the latest installment of the show, and he's talking a lot of smack. A. Lot.

Obrochta has gone public, telling fellow contestant Lincoln Adim that he'd better not show up to the taping of the "Tell All" episode-- or he's gonna get his butt kicked. The two have battled on the show, and Adim has a shady, sexual-assaulty past.

Thanks for being a Knight in Shining Armor and all that. But really, just zip it. Quit overcompensating for your inadequate fruit bowl.

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#2 JADA PINKETT SMITH

Ladies like to get a nip here, a tuck there, a bigger set up top... but the growing trend is to make sure everything is youthful. Every. Thing. The "taco" must be refreshed.

Now that she has her own Facebook TV show, Jada is droppin' all kinds of TMI, including deets about her new cooch. She's had three vaginal rejuvenation treatments to her nether regions:

"When I tell you my yoni is like a 16-year-old, I'm not kidding... I'm talking about the inside. It looks like a little beautiful peach."

Okay. Can I ask? Who is judging your cookie jar? I don't want to see it nor judge it! Even if your Continental Divide looks like it has Bell's Palsy... NO. And doctors agree there is no need for such a thing:

"The term 'vaginal rejuvenation' itself is problematic because most vaginas don't need to be rejuvenated."

And another thing. Your snatchadoodle is like a 16-year-old's?... which would be illegal for someone to touch.

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#1 STEFANO GABBANA

I hate most designers. Why? Because their crapture is something no average person would ever wear. Or even celebs for that matter. And just because you're some fancy-schmancy designer doesn't mean you can throw shade. Plus, your're just suckling off the teet of your family name. A fashion Instagram account posted a picture collage of Selena Gomez wearing red. Stuffano outraged the fans of Selena Gomez by snarking:

"She's so ugly!!!"

Actor Tommy Dorfman, who stars in the Netflix show "13 Reasons Why" (which Selena is executive producer) defended S:

"@stefanogabbana you're tired and over. your homophobic, misogynistic, body-shaming existence will not thrive in 2018... it is no longer tolerable or chic. please take many seats."

Have you looked in a mirror you meat waffle? Seriously. You look like a Forrest Gump reject. Just because you're from a family of fashion, does not make you a fashionista. Nor does it make you a human being. Not only is it entirely rude to be so hateful, but this is a young woman who has struggled with body image issues thanks to toolbags like you.

So basically, STFU.

T.O. = B.S.

6/15/2018

Offenders for the week ending June 15, 2018:

Honorable Mention: IHOp/b. Trying to get into the burger game? No one cares. Stick to breakfast. No one's comin' to you for burgers. Gimme some damned pancakes! We shall now rename you: IKnob.

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#3 VINCE VAUGHN

I'm surprised that Uncle Vinnie hasn't got busted previously for some DUI action. Don't think we haven't noticed that lovely shade of rose your face has adopted over the years, or your growing bloat. Perhaps one too many adventures with Wonder Twins Gin and Juice have taken their toll.

Recently, it was Vaughnster vs. The Checkpoint. The checkpoint won.

When law enforcement asks you to exit the vehicle, just do it. Otherwise, you face obstruction charges on top of your DUI infraction. Plus, refusing never works.

F.Y.I. Your behavior is not "money."

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#2 VAL KILMER

I guess those rumors about you being sickly and dying have proven to be untrue. Isn't it terrible how people say things about you that are inaccurate? So why would you open your sloppy pie hole and spew your hurtful commentary about the suicide of Anthony Bourdain? During a rambling post on Facebook, Val wrote:

"... suicide is the most selfish act a human can execute. Those of us that knew you are shocked and angry and angry and angry selfishly angry, for what you just did to us. Millions I should think. At least as million people like me who imagine they know you. Some imagine they know you even well."

Of course, the comments section blew up. To which Val responded:

"I believe that Love can heal. It is not that I believe because he had an illness it was up to him to be solely responsible. You I am sorry to say, didn't read what I wrote very carefully."

Here's a thought: instead of trying to look like a deep-thinker and vomiting a truckload of obnoxious prose, just say that you feel that this man's death was selfish because he robbed his fandom the pleasure of taking journeys with him. Not that that would've sounded any better.

From now on, scribble your thoughts down in your Hello Kitty diary.

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#1 TERRELL OWENS

T.O. is history-making. Not because he's a part of the Class of 2019 inductees to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. It's because he won't be in attendance to unveil his bust, ride in the grand parade, and greet his fans. Why? Cuz he's a scrotum fungus ego-maniac.

"After visiting Canton earlier this year, I came to the realization that I wish to celebrate what will be one of the most memorable days of my life, elsewhere."

One sports-type has his own theory about the snub:

"Maybe he was worried that he would become forgotten after the induction ceremony. This way, he gets his gold jacket, but still be remembered as the guy who told the hall to go stuff it."

But B.O. is going to have his celebration later. Perhaps he's afraid of having to write a speech; show some humility; share the spotlight with those that supported him....

Not every person who plays a pro sport gets into any hall of fame. Not sorry that Canton, Ohio, isn't good enough for your sh*t show. Hopefully, the hall will mail you your jacket and not publicly unveil the bust in your likeness, because why should you be honored when you have no respect for your fans, nor the hall where truly great athletes are enshrined.

Here's a new game for you to play: Hide-n-Go-F*ck-Yourself.

Bee Gone

6/8/2018

Offenders for the week ending June 8, 2018:

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#3 TORI SPELLING

I don't know why this is such a difficult concept to grasp: make money, file taxes, pay taxes-- whether technically we need to or not, or whether or not it's fair-- just do it! I feel for ya, girl. You've got that deadbeat scrub for a husband, a cooky momma, and years of money woes. Adding more debt to the fire, Tori owes the State of California over $280,000 in taxes. She's made the list of the state's top tax delinquents.

I'm sure having no job and five kids is rough-- and no inheritance from your dad's passing, since your mom holds the purse strings and the two of you don't get along. But.... there are ways to get out of the hole. Stop overspending, make your man work for a living instead of riding off of your last name all these years, and get yo self a side hustle. Like make something and sell it on QVC. Like sausages or glittery sweater vests.

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#2 BILL CLINTON

You are like 50 Shades of Douche. So glad you decided to speak up about your impeachment in the midst of the Monica Lewinsky scandal and alllll the suffering you endured in light of the #MeToo movement. Wrinkled Willie cried about how he was $16 million in debt when he left the White House, and how facts are facts-- nothing would've changed, he wouldn't have done anything differently, and he surely doesn't owe Monica an apology:

She does deserve an apology from the man she loved and admired. Yes, she was a grown woman who was star-struck by you. And you gave her the attention she craved and then threw her under a bus the first chance you got. Such a horrific double standard. She was branded a dirty whore, while you were just a man gettin' some 'tang. You have your name, your cronies, your money to protect you. She had, and still has-- nothing. She's the never-ending pop culture punchline who struggles to have a personal relationship, a career, a life-- because of a foolish young woman's mistake.

Quite honestly, go eat a bag of sweaty d*cks.

You're so full of yourself and believe you're so untouchable. And maybe at this point, you are. But you won't be forever. No matter who you've bought and what soul-selling you've done, you can't escape the fires of Hell.

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#1 SAMANTHA BEE

Samantha Bee surely knows how to sting. I totally understand that there are a lot of Hollywood types that loathe our president. For whatever reason, you loathe a man who y'all once sucked up to when he was just a billionaire businessman but, I digress. And illogically, when you loathe someone, you loathe their entire family because why not? AND... you take some innocuous posting from said family member and turn it into something political. How original.

Our bumbled bee took a photo of Ivanka Trump and her son and decided to deride her over her daddy's immigration policy. Not a fact-based, intellectual relaying of opinion-- but a full-frontal gutter-sludge name-calling attack:

"Let me just say, one mother to another, do something about your dad's immigration practices, you feckless c*nt."

Wow. Your comedic prowess and wit really shone through on that one! But, as always, the offender is sorry:

"I would like to sincerely apologize to Ivanka Trump and to my viewers for using an expletive on my show to describe her... it was inappropriate and inexcusable. I crossed a line, and I deeply regret it."

Yank, yank. You don't. But that's besides the point. Here's a concept: since Mr. Trump is open to receiving Hollywood "leaders" with concerns (ie: Kim Kardshian) into the White House, why don't you float over there, and share your concerns about immigration? Because it's easier to use your platform to name-call than to try to actually be a catalyst for change.

You need swatted, Samanta Bee-yotch!

P.S. And another thing. I hate liberal hypocrisy. You stand up and march and cry out for female empowerment, but you decimate women that don't share your views and spew the most vile hatred towards them. Which is not empowering or supportive. Right? Maybe you're a feckless f*ck face.

Barred.

6/1/2018

Offenders for the week ending June 1, 2018:

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#3 HARVEY WEINSTEIN

This over-inflated fat f*ck thought he was untouchable-- when it comes to karma. Cuz we all know he wanted touched. He will never change, nor learn his lesson. The proof is in the Bill Cosby-spoiled pudding: this self-absorbed c*ck munch wants an autobiography/documentary filmed about him. BWAAA HAAAA!

Before turning himself into authorities, Weenstein took several meetings with his half-baked idea-- including a person whom he helped out he past by paying that person's medical bills.

"It could be like Weiner meets 'If I Did It'. Of course, with his legal issues... this could go on forever. But someone could film him while he's going through this."

He was spotted walking into the police station with two autobiographies under his arm.

I have a great name for your mockumentary: "I, Douchebag."

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#2 KANYE WEST

Two steps forward, two steps back with this one. I totally understand pushing the envelope; generating buzz. But you have to watch, because the bee can sting. Yeezy's latest gaffe-- hatin' on the late Whitney Houston. See, Kanye is producing Pusha T's new album and the two collaborated on the cover art. Well, Kanye tossed out the original agreed-upon artwork for something a little more in touch with his vision and the vibe of the album. That artwork was a photo of Whitney Houston's drug-riddled bathroom, snapped covertly in 2006.

Through all this, Pusha was okay with the new cover:

"(It) definitely does match the energy of my album."

Good(?)

"I feel like the cover represents an organized chaos. The energy of the album is a bit chaotic, but it's all in place."

And... Kanye paid $85,000 for the rights to use the picture-- supposedly to Bobby Brown's sister.

Dude. Seriously. This is so not right on so many levels. You couldn't recreate a chaotic bathroom for this? I didn't even know what Whitney's bathroom looked like when she was in the midst of her drug addiction. Why don't you just put Pusha in a tub and recreate Whitney's death like Lorde did!?!?

My hope is that Bobby flies like a bat out of Hell and roundhouse kicks you (and his tw*t waffle sister) in the head Chuck Norris-style!

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#1 ROSEANNE BARR

What in the actual f&*k!?!?

I've never been a Roseanne Barr fan. I did like the first incarnation of Roseanne, and the reboot was excellent. But... social media strikes again. It's the new "I hit SEND before thinking about this email". It's so instant, and accessible, and you can't take what's out there back. Which means that every stupid thing you post can ruin lives. For whatever reason, R had to take a shot at former Obama administration advisor Valerie Jarrett on Twitter:

"muslim brotherhood & planet of the apes had a baby+vj"

Good. Lord. She blames a late night (2 am) and Ambien for her tweet.

You suck for so many reasons:

1. Keep your inside voice INSIDE. Can't you equally fight someone if you're going to fight at all? Fight politics to politics. Not looks. Plus, have you looked in a mirror-- ever!?!?

2. While I give you props for having the stones to be a public figure in Hollywood publicly supporting the President, you're not helping the other supporters. It's bad enough his supporters are being categorized as racist redneck idiots. Why add fuel to the fire?

3. You had the #1 show in all of prime time TV-- and you were picked-up for a second season. Now, it's gone. And what sucks the most is that there are crew members and your fellow actors that are without a gig. You may have eff-you money, but they don't.

Go back to Hawaii and fall into a lava lake!

To quote from Planet of the Apes: "Take your stinking paws of me, you damn dirty ape!"

Forget "Felicia"

Designer Douche

T.O. = B.S.

Bee Gone

Barred.

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