Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

Boston Tea-r Party

2/9/2018

Offenders for the week ending February 2, 2018:

"There's really nothing to see here..."

#3 JOE KENNEDY III

Joe Kennedy The Turd has continued in the family business-- shady politics. The Dems picked this perpetually-high looking lad to deliver the rebuttal to the State of the Union address. Perfect fit, actually, because he made an ass of himself. I didn't even hear a word of what he was saying, because I was fixated on his glazed-doughnut-face.

Was that drool? Too much lipstick on a dipstick? Or did he fellate Krispy Kreme?

I'm sure y'all can afford to get some intern to check your face before your appearance on national TV.

Or did you drive her into the Potomac?

"Let's get crunk, y'all!"

#2 KEVIN HART

Oh, Kevin. You're wife has forgiven your multiple indiscretions. She allows you sleep in the garage and not have to pay her a big ol' divorce settlement. So why oh why can't you get your shizz together?

Case in point: Super Bowl Sunday. He was so excited that the Eagles won, he had to rush the stage to get to the trophy. For realz. Oh, and he dropped an F-bomb while "chatting" with the dudes from the NFL Network.

Why give a drunk guy a mic? Duh.

At least he took his gaffes and turned it into a teachable(?) moment via social media:

"To all the kids out there, I just want to say don't drink. When alcohol is in your system, you do dumb stuff."

Here's some advice: Keep your love snake in your pants. And when your wife tells you it's a bad idea to run up on stage drunken and foolishly... listen.

"I've got something in my eye..."

#1 TOM BRADY

WTF? Yes, we know you're a competitor. And yes, losing sucks. Having class never goes out of style. You should try it some time. After the Eagles won, Bratty couldn't bring himself to congratulate Nick Foles-- the Super Bowl winning quarterback and game MVP. Foles, though, exuded enough class for the both of them by saying it was crazy on the field and that's why Baby Tom didn't make his way over to congratulate him.

At least Tom's wife, Giselle, did the right thing. She posted on social media:

"Congratulations Eagles for winning the Super bowl, what a game that was!"

She also consoled her kids by reminding them that this was the first Super Bowl win for the Eagles.

As Beyonce would say: "Who runs the world? Girls."

Change your name to Tomasina and maybe you'll have more balls.

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

Cash Her Off The Planet!

9/22/2017

Offenders for the week ending September 22, 2017:

"Check my drawers. I crapped in my pants."

#3 KEVIN HART

Props on getting in front of your latest scandal. Nip it in the bud, put the fire out. Get the FBI to investigate. I get it. Still doesn't cover the FACT that you're a scum fondler that can't stop wang-ing every tramp that drops her g-string. See, he's being blackmailed by someone who has a video and if said person doesn't get a multi-million dollar payday, well, get out the popcorn for the viewing! Kevin is cheating on his pregnant wife. So, why not get your mea culpa out there:

"I'm at a place in my life where I feel like I have a target on my back. And because of that I should make smart decisions. And recently, I didn't. You know, I'm not perfect. I'm not going to sit up here and say that I am or claim to be in any way shape or form."

Yes. Nobody's perfect. But it's evident, some are just stupid for making the same mistake TWICE. Yeah. You cheated on your first wife with the chick who would become your current wife, whom you've cheated on with a stripper. And really, a stripper?!?!? Enjoy dumping into that Freddy Krueger baby-maker of hers. So. Much. Ick.

Are you gonna pull a Kobe Bryant and buy your wifey a big 'ol diamond that will erase her memory?

Don't we all?

#2 GWYNETH PALTROW

I should just make her a permanent Slapee, but it's so cathartic to imagine slapping her, plus-- she obviously isn't getting the message. This might be the most ridiculous product on her stupid GOOP website:

Psychic Vampire Repellent

For a mere $30, you can get a spray elixir that:

"...uses a combination of gem healing and deeply aromatic therapeutic oils to banish bad vibes and shield you from people causing them."

I've been waiting for something like this! (You know I'm kidding...)

To use: Spray around your head to safeguard your aura.

Uh, don't you know your aura is projected all around your body? You're so good at suggesting ways we plebeians can spend our hard-earned moola. Since you're the Genius of Everything, what product can we use to get rid of a whore fungus like you?

Oh, if slapping your face were only legal...

#1 ATLANTIC RECORDS

It's bad enough that the Cash Me Outside fart licker had her 15 minutes of fame for being one of the dregs of humanity, but to have her infamy perpetuated by more attention!?!? GRRRRRR! This joke of a business is exactly what is wrong with the entire music industry. Instead of scouting TALENT and nurturing them so they can produce multiple hit albums for you, all the labels do is go for the low-lying fruit and easy money-grab. Thus, the birth of Bhad Bhabie, aka 14-year-old delinquent Danielle Bregoli, aka Cash Me Outside twat triscuit.

Aton Ben Horin, Global Vice President of A&R at Warner Music Group said:

"Without a doubt, this girl is a real star with undeniable talent."

Judge for yourself. Here's the brilliant track "These Heaux" that's garnered over 27 million views. I pray to the Big Man that people are watching out of curiosity and a need to feel better about themselves.

P.S. Ahmet Ertegun is rolling over in his grave right now. Since you don't know history, that was the founder of the label you're running into the ground.

P. P. S. Hey, Horin: may the scurvy find your ball sack before Bhad does. Wait, that's probs how she got her record deal...

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

We Three Weens...

7/28/2017

Offenders for the week ending July 28, 2017:

"Be healed!"

#3 JUSTIN BIEBER

This is a left cheek-right cheek double-slappy.

First, Beebs has cancelled the rest of his tour. Guess it's too difficult for him to muster up the strength to finish his last 14 shows. By the way, he only does ONE show per week. Exhausting. I get it. This young fella has been recording and performing almost non-stop since he was discovered. There have been stories of him crying, begging his handlers to let him sleep. Finish what you start! What about the other performers on your tour that don't make as much as you and depend on a paycheck. Are you paying them for your flake out?

Second, Beebs cancelled because he wants to get back in touch with his spirituality and because he's planning on starting his own church. Yes. His. Own. Church. I respect his desire to get back to the New Testament. He was raised in church, and having a strong foundation is good. But... starting a church? So. Many. Questions. Is he going to preach? What would be call him? The Reverend Beebs? Will his followers then truly be "Belibers?"

The worship music would be interesting, though...

"My milkshake brings all the hoes to the yard..."

#2 KEVIN HART

Just call him: Daddy Cheater. While his wife is preggo, Kevin's makin' nice with some trampola. Mr. Funnyman was caught canoodling inside his luxury ride with a hot brunette outside a Miami hotel. Of course, he's trying to play it off like it's social media's fault. Haters gonna hate, right? It has nothing to do with your track record of cheating... See, Kevin got divorced the first time because he was cheating on her with the woman that would become Wife #2 and the mother of his children. Methinks this is just a bit of karma coming back around to all the players involved:

"He who cheats with you will cheat ON you."

Not only is cheating repulsive, but cheating while your wife is carrying your child is, like, 100 times worse.

Pro tip: Cars have windows. No matter what time of day or night, or how discreet you think you are-- WE CAN SEE YOU!

"Hey, Boo boo. I'm tossin' somethin' itchy ur way..."

#1 USHER

Ur-sher is making 'em blister. Gag. I used to find you lovable. We all felt compassion for you when you publicly admitted years ago that your philandering ways made TLC's Chili break it off with you. Then, you married that hideous lecherous She-Ra and had a child with her-- and we wanted you to open your eyes to her true ways. You did. But you need to stop opening your fly. For. Realz. A woman is suing him for $10 million dollars in an "unprotected sex" suit. Because girlfriend alleges she was exposed to herpes because of him. She claims the two engaged in heavy petting, she decided to play the "skin flute," then that led to full-on muffin-meets-fruit bowl time-- with protection. But 12 days later, the two rendezvoused again, sans raincoat... and... she's not infected, yet.

What? See, she's concerned because she learned via news reports that Oozer admitted to having Herpes Simplex 2. And she never would've gone to Pleasure Town with him had she known this in advance. Plus, he previously paid a woman $1.1 million for infecting her.

Usher, is this "Confessions Part 3"? I'm about to slap you after I put this hazmat suit on...

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

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