Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

No Joshin'

5/27/2022

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending May 27th, 2022:

#3 TRAVIS BARKER AND KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN

These two had their lavish, showy wedding in Italy. And they're getting flack from us commoners for the food they served at the reception. Guests were treated to freshly prepared pasta at their tables. But how dare these two wealthy celebs only dish out a measly palm-sized portion. One fan saw the IG post on Kylie Jenner's page and lost her shizz:

"Personally if a portion isn’t the size of my face I’m not interested.”

Actually, that is the proper size of pasta to consume. We Americans are accustomed to biggie this, and biggie that. Remember, these Hollywood folks barely eat, so that was like a year's worth of pigging out!

No slap for the newlyweds. This slap is for the rest of us who need to occasionally take the feedbag off. LOL

via GIPHY

#2 WILL SMITH

We see what you're trying to do here, William. On a David Letterman's podcast, the slapper discussed his memoir and opened up about his troublesome family dynamic growing up.

“When I was 9 years old, I saw my father beat up my mother, and I didn’t do anything. And that just left a traumatic impression of myself as a coward.”

Obviously, childhood trauma sticks with you no matter who you are or what you achieve. But... the excuse calderon is brewing. He couldn't help but slap Chris Rock because he flashed-back to when he was 9 and couldn't protect his mom, and when Chris made fun of his wife, he needed to defend her honor even though he found the joke funny....

Blah, blah, blah.

And you know what? I'm sure many people will give him a pass. They have already. No cancelling the Fresh Prince.

via GIPHY

#1 JOSH DUGGAR

This extremely large POS is getting as much punishment as the law allows. Because if we could exist outside of the law, this non-human would get a whole lot more than 12.5 years in prison. He was found guilty of possessing child porn in December 2021 after a 6-day trial and a 7-hour deliberation.

This isn't his first pervo rodeo. We know all about his touching his own sisters when he was a teenager. And now he's a married man with lots of kids. Gross. Hopefully, they'll change their last name to escape your disgrace.

I'm pretty sure you won't be having a fun time in prison. Because even criminals have a code. And they surely do not like those crimes you're guilty of. Say "hi" to Jared Fogel. Enjoy, bitch.

Second Chance

4/22/2022

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offender for the week ending April 22nd, 2022:

via GIPHY

#3 EZRA MILLER

Why so angry? The actor can't socialize like a human without allegedly assaulting someone. First, he was asked to leave a karaoke bar in Hilo, Hawaii. Now, he's charged with second degree assault after a disturbance at a get-together at a private residence in Pahoa. Police said he became irate and threw a chair when asked to leave. The chair hit some woman in the head, leaving her with a half-inch-deep cut. Hope she sues him.

Perhaps someone should hit this dude with some vinegar and water...

via GIPHY

#2 AL PACINO

Kudos to Al for having swagger. The 81-year-old is baggin' the young babes. Like, granddaughter-aged babes. Like, not-too-far-removed from-teen-years babes. But I think this slap is more like: smack, smack-- don't OD on Viagra!

Noor Alfallah likes herself some Early Bird Specials and Matlock reruns. The 28-year-old previously spent time with Mick Jagger. There was only a 51-year age gap there. She was rumored to be dating Clint Eastwood when she was 25 and he was 91, but she denied it. Cuz apparently that's when a crane is needed to get that fossil up for business.

Al's little friend may be nearly invisible by now. Perhaps they enjoy good conversation...

via GIPHY

#1 BEN AFFLECK

Again, this is more of a pre-emptive slap. You've been given a second chance at love with Jennifer Lopez. You two are happily engaged again. Don't f&ck this up! She dumped your ass a bajillion years ago because you wouldn't stop drinking and gambling. So make sure you don't fall off the wagon. JLo is too fine to let her get away again. Remember, this is what she said about your proposal:

“I was smiling so big and tears were coming down my face, feeling so incredibly happy and whole. It was nothing fancy at all, but it was the most romantic thing I could’ve ever imagined. Just a quiet Saturday night at home, two people promising to always be there for each other. Two very lucky people. Who got a second chance at true love. He hands me a ring and he says it’s a green diamond. [Green is] my favorite color, it’s also my lucky color. Obviously it’ll be my lucky color forever now. It means so much when somebody thinks about you and loves you and sees you. And it was just the most perfect moment. It’s not often you get a second chance at true love.”

Again, don't be a ween.

Febreezy Yeezy

9/10/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offender for the week ending September 10th, 2021:

via GIPHY

#3 KANYE WEST

Two things here:

1. Though not shocking, this fool may have cheated on his "dream girl", now-ex wife Kim Kardashian. In his new song "Hurricane", he raps:

"Here I go actin' too rich/ Here I go with a new chick/ And I know what the truth is/ Still playin' after two kids/ It's a lot to digest when your life always movin'"

Perhaps it's more than cows he's been herding at that ranch of his...

2. Martha West? Kanye Stewart? Guess who wants to be a lifestyle brand? Yup. Shower curtains, towels, placemats, wall décor. Surely, it will all be overpriced and lookin' like something you've wiped your ass with. You know those towels granny got for free with the box of detergent? That's what I imagine he'll be "designing" and selling.

via GIPHY

#2 ANGELINA JOLIE

Her big lips are loose lips. Girl is spilling all the tea about her relationship with Brad. Well, not really spilling all of it. Because she can't. She's alluded to a volatile relationship with her is-he-ever-gonna-be-her-ex in the past. But now in a recent interview, they fought really badly over Harvey Weinstein. She claims the perv tried to assault her, and she told Brad, and then asked him to not work on the film "Inglorious Basterds"-- produced by Weinstein. But he did star in the movie and Angie was mad. Weenstein is a known asshat, so I get it.

But... Angie also claims that she feared for her entire family's safety while being married to Brad, and that the decision to divorce was not an easy one to make. Too many women are in abusive relationships, and this is not making light of that. Something just seems off. Like she's dragging this whole thing out to drag Brad. If he is a true POS, then there would be more stories, no? From other women? She does have a book coming out, so...

via GIPHY

#1 SCOTT DISICK

This man child can't get over Kourtney Kardashian. So much so, he slid into the DMs of one of her exes, threw shade at her to him, then made the DMs public himself. WTF? Well, Scott's waaaay younger GF, Amelia Gray Hamlin, dumped his creepy ass. Apparently, she was not pleased that old boy is still pining for Kourtney. Good for you, Amelia. But let's slap you, too. Dude was waaaay too old for you. He is old enough to be your dad. And you shouldn't have daddy issues, cuz your daddy is hot! Plus, why have dried, chipped beef when you can have some virile veal?

And Scott, get over it. Travis Barker may be all rocked and tatted-out. But he's cool and has cred. You're just... crud.

What the Stank!?!?

8/6/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending August 6th, 2021:

via GIPHY

#3 MACHINE GUN KELLY (aka: MGK)

K is not okay with his movie "Midnight in the Switchgrass." Plus: he met the love of his life, Megan Fox, on set. Minus: he ain't in the movie that much. In fact, the happy couple skipped the film's premiere and MGK, dropped this tweet:

"If I don't talk or tweet about a movie I'm barely in it's because it's (trash emoji)."

I mean, I applaud your telling the truth. I saw the trailer for this movie and it's not good. First of all, Bruce Willis doesn't need to do these crap movies, or does he? Second, no one is going to believe that your beloved Megan is an FBI agent. Even if I drank an entire bottle of wine would I believe she could be FBI. Unless it's some Cinemax after 11 pm movie, and "switchgrass" is changed to "switchsnatch" and Megan switches identities with another woman to entrap her lover that she believes is cheating on her.

Yes, I just made that up.

via GIPHY

#2 ASHTON KUTCHER AND MILA KUNIS

WTH is it with Hollywood and the lack of hygiene? Seriously. Back in the day, I was crushed when it was revealed by Jennifer Aniston that then-hubby Brad Pitt rarely showered. Peee-you! There'd be no way I'd get near that musty fruitbowl! Wash that entire America-Mexico-South America area!

And now this power couple has consciously uncoupled with soap and water. And their kids, too! They don't believe in washing the entire body. But they do wash their "soles and holes" every day. Praise sweet baby Jesus for that at least! In regards to the kids? If they don't see dirt on them, they don't wash 'em. Hello!!!! They have "soles and holes", too.

Please add "pits and tits" to the list. Those can be some funky areas, too. Or better yet, while you're taking care of South America and Antarctica, wash the entire globe!!!

via GIPHY

#1 R. KELLY

Why isn't this ultimate POS behind bars? Or breathing our good air? Another day, another depraved allegation against this d*uchenozzle. New York prosecutors came forward recently, accusing R (rapist?) of "grooming" young boys. He's accused of asking a minor:

"... what he was willing to do to succeed in the music business and clarified that he wanted John Doe #1 to engage in sexual contact with Kelly."

But there's more:

The teen introduced R. Criminal to John Doe #2, also a minor, and allegedly:

"paid John Doe #2 after sexual encounters with him."

And here's another gem. Federal documents claim the supposed perv's crisis manager bribed a Cook County clerk after the documentary Surviving R. Kelly aired.

Get this anal leak off the streets. He's a menace!

Wish List

7/29/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

The slap hand is taking a rest this week. But that doesn't mean YOU can't slap a celebrity! Who do you want to "slap" and why? Don't be shy...

Cancel Culture Club

7/23/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending July 23rd, 2021:

via GIPHY

#3 SPIKE LEE

He pulled a Steve Harvey x 100 at the Cannes Film Festival. He accidentally announced "Titane" as winner of the Palme d'Or-- which is the big prize-- before all the other prizes.

Duh!

That's like announcing the Best Film award at the Oscars at the beginning of the broadcast. Wait, that might be a good thing... Anywho, Spike is really sorry for the epic eff-up:

"I have no excuses. I messed up... It's like the guy at the end of the game who misses the free throw."

Dude. You weren't at the end of the game. That's the point. But we get it. You're lucky the French didn't pelt you with cheese and disdain...

via GIPHY

#2 LARSA PIPPEN

I thought this THOT had left the building, but she's still out there gettin' pub as one of the Real Housewives of Miami. Whatever. But do you still need to talk about your affair with the very married NBA baller Malik Beasley? Oh, yeah. That's the only storyline you have....

She's opened her flaps again to share that she wouldn't get back with Malik if he tried to woo her. Uhhhmmmm, okay:

"(Larsa) has not been in communication with Malik and is unaware of what he's been up to... She has vowed she would not get back with him and would never take him back if he tried getting back with her. She's completely moved on and is enjoying being single again."

You're assuming he wants you back, after you disparaged his manhood and dating style publicly. Of course, he is a POS, but...

Actually sounds like you two deserve each other. Maybe you two should reunite for a reality TV show called, "The Hoe and The Hopeless."

via GIPHY

#1 CHRISSY TEIGEN

Chrissy is all upset, afraid that she's been put in what she calls the "Cancel Club." She's all sad and depressed that people have come for her over her well-known bullying of women and people that don't fit her narrative.

"I really don't know what to say here. Just feels so weird to pretend nothing happened in this online world but feel like utter s-t in real life. Going outside sucks and doesn't feel right, being at home alone with my mind makes my depressed head race. But I do know that however I'm handling this now isn't the right answer. I feel lost and need to find my place again."

Boo f&cking-hoo.

Where is your place? Since your perfection of Mean Girl-ism has been reviled, what will you do? Can't tell anyone on the socials (Courtney Stodden) to go 'take a dirt nap." Perhaps you should ask yourself why you feel the need to come for everybody. Why don't you stay in your lane and just talk about your cookbooks and your lifestyle crap? Live your life and let others live theirs. Unless you like wearing the crown of hypocrisy...

Dumbstruck

4/9/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending April 9, 2021:

via GIPHY

#3 REGE-JEAN PAGE

Oh, Rege. You've broken a million hearts with your announcement that you won't be returning for season 2 of Bridgerton. Yes, you felt as if you "stuck the landing" with the first season (there's more "sticking" we want from you, wink wink.) But you were being offered $50-thousand an episode for three episodes. Granted, I highly doubt you would've been shirtless or naked in those episodes (we can dream), but... what's my point? Oh. Take the damn money. And take your clothes off. You should be allowed to walk around naked at all times. I don't even know why I'm spanking you, errr, slapping you. Oh, because you're denying us your fine-ness. That's why.

via GIPHY

#2 LARSA PIPPEN

This hurricane of drama has decided to step away from drama because it's too much to handle. HA HA HA HA! Yes. This still-married to Scottie Pippen revolving-door-for-wiener has ended her relationship with Malik Beasley-- who was also married. And is young enough to be Larsa's son. Gag. A source said:

"He was going through a lot and the time wasn't right."

The timing wasn't right? Going through a lot? Like him kicking his wife and toddler out of their home for your ass? You were okay posting Insta pics of the two of you holding hands way back in November and clapping-back at people for calling you out for your sus behavior. And then you got all righteous telling people that they didn't know the truth, and that love is love.

The truth is: There's no wiener you'd turn down. And, you live your life with so much drama that the Kardashians don't want anything to do with you. The Kardashians!!!! Who are all about staying in our faces!!!! What does that tell you? That you're beyond messy.

P.S. Poor Malik. He's lost his wife and now his ho. BWAAAA HAAAA HAAAAA!

via GIPHY

#1 CHER

I can't believe this relic is still relevant. Well, she's not but you can't blame an old girl for trying. Because her fossilized heart was so full of emotion, she had to verbally vomit to the world that she would've prevented George Floyd's death had she been at the scene.

BWAAA HAAAA HAAAA!

Does she even know where Minneapolis is? She tweeted that she'd been talking to her mom and crying while watching the Derek Chauvin trial and said to her:

"Mom, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but I kept thinking, maybe if I'd been there, I could've helped."

Yup. Crazy. Is the air in Hollywood different than our air? Because all these celebrities sound completely crazy. What in the af would you have done? Assaulted a police officer? Shimmy down a naval ship gun in g-string Depends? Thanks, oh mighty half-white privileged out-of-touch celebrity for swooping down and saving all of us minorities!

Is there any way we can get you to Sonny Bono yourself outta here?

Jose Cuer-no

3/19/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending March 19, 2021:

via GIPHY

#3 KHLOE KARDASHIAN

Khloe made a goal-- reunite with her baby-daddy Tristan Thompson for his 30th birthday. Well, she did! And now she's wearing a rather large rock on that finger. Sigh. Yes, you share a 3-year-old daughter. Yes, you want to have another baby with Tbag. But... do you really trust the dude that cheated on you with your sister's best friend? He's saying and doing all the right things right now. But when he's out on the road playing ball, who's playing with his balls?

His snake cannot be caged. Nor does he want it to be. I mean, look at who's Number Two on this list as a prime example...

via GIPHY

#2 ALEX RODRIGUEZ

What in the actual f&ck is wrong with you!?!? You are engaged to Jennifer-Friggin'-Lopez. Four. Years. Together. And Little ARod can't stop panty sniffing. You're a complete idiot. If you're going to jeopardize your relationship, could you at least not dip your wick into the reality TV ho-bag pool? While Madison LeCroy of Southern Charm is hot, she's no JLo! Sexting some THOT for funsies is just stupid. What are you trying to prove? That you've still got it? You will always "have it" because you're ALEX RODRIGUEZ. The Dead Sea Scrolls can't contain all the women you've wanged over the years.

I'm glad you and JLo are "working it out". Y'all are most likely working out splitting your assets while she's resisting splitting your ass in half with her Louboutin-adorned foot.

Wake up! Put your c*ck on lockdown before you ruin everything...

via GIPHY

#1 JOSE CANSECO

This broke down, steroid-ruined asshat only tops ARod because he's just so played out. What did this fool do? He decided to throw his hat into the ring for JLo's affections. Please. After taking to Twitter to call Alex "the most predictable person on the planet", he decided to shoot his shot for Jennifer:

"(she) needs a man that's by her side 24/7... (and is) older than she is."

Age has nothing to do with ARod's wangderlust. But there's more. Jose would....

"fight for (her)..."

But...

"(I've got) two town shoulders and a bad knee."

That's so... not eloquent. Who would want your powder puff penis at this point? Madonna was already there in your prime time. And being all up in that is kind of like walking barefoot through Grand Central.

Do us all a favor. Sit down. Shut up. Disappear.

Ruding & Feuding

7/24/2020

Offenders for the week ending : July 24, 2020:

via GIPHY

#3 MICKEY ROURKE

This dude has always been odd. Excellent actor, but a touch (a lot) Looney Tunes-y. For whatever reason, he decided to re-ignite his feud with Robert DeNiro. Guess these two hated each other ever since they worked with each other on the film "Angel Heart" in 1987.

In a now "disappeared" post on the Insta, Mickster shared a pic of a young Bobby wearing a red jacket and smoking a cigarette-- with this heartfelt caption:

"Big (freaking) crybaby. Mr. Tough Guy in the movies. Let me tell you something, you punk ass, when I see you I swear to God on my Grandmother, on my brother and all my dogs, (I'm) gonna embarrass you severely 100 percent..."

?

Mmmmkay. I'm sure DoucheNiro doesn't care about you. In fact, y'all sound like two old dudes that need a nap and some antacid and some Tucks, and tapioca pudding to make everything feel better...

The only cool thing about this, is that your beef has extended into two centuries... Kudos.

via GIPHY

#2 50 CENT

Sometimes the support really isn't the offering of support. It's really just a way to get your foot in the door for some tea spillin'. Methinks this is the case when 50 DM-ed Will Smith to "check in" on him after Will and wife Jada Pinkett Smith aired their dirties about her "entanglement" with August Alsina for all the world to partake. ICYMI, August and Jada "entangled" for a few years while she and Will were on a marriage break. Dude claims Will gave him permission to smash. Now back to Half-Dollar, who had to make the DM exchange all public to try and play the victim of Will's venom, because things got ugly during the exchange. What set Will off? This:

"She (Jada) said only SHE can give permission for somebody to blow her back out."

Which received a "F*ck you 50" from Will.

What did you expect? You're known for being quite the Richard, throwing your hat into situations that have nothing to do with you. We see you, Fiddy. We. See. You. You've got no room to talk or question. You spent time in Chelsea Handler's Holland Tunnel, so...

via GIPHY

#1 ELLEN DEGENERES

Don't you hate it when something ends up being too good to be true? Or if someone appears so cool and perfect, but you have that gut feeling that said person is probably a POS? It appears all the rumors of Ellen being a big meany are true. Like, she's one nasty b. Crushing. Should've known mizz queen of "Be Kind" is just projecting a virtue she herself does not possess.

Story after story has emerged of her mistreatment of staff. Current and former staffers are laying it all out there:

Staffers faced racism. fear and intimidation
Employees were fired after taking medical leave or bereavement leave
You're not allowed to speak to Ellen around the office

And this from writer Ben Simeon:

"Every day she picks someone different to really hate. It's not your fault, just suck it up for the day and she'll be mean to someone else the next day."

And that's just a taste of the vinegar popsicle being fed around there. Staffers also have a bone to pick with Ellen's executive producers who are aware of the repulsive behavior, but allow it to continue.

Why don't you be nice to us, Ellen, by sticking your head up your own ass and disappearing. It's the kindest thing you can do.

COVIDIOT

3/27/2020

Offenders for the week ending March 27, 2020:

via GIPHY

#3 50 CENT

There's a global pandemic happening. Sounds like the perfect time to reignite a beef with someone! Since the rapper isn't touring or working, his stay-at-home mandate is pretty much the norm, but I digress. He must've been bored when he spotted a story about his archenemies Randall Emmett and Lala Kent postponing their April 18th wedding because of uncertainty surrounding COVID-19-- and decided to go social with his thoughts:

"... wasn't nobody going to this s--t anyway."

A few months ago, 50 alleged Emmett (a movie producer) owed him $1 million. So he took to the socials and called his fiance (she's a Bravo TV star) a "hoe" for admitting she was gifted a Range Rover from Randall after their first sexual encounter (a B-to-the-J). Randall has since re-paid 50, so....

Find a hobby, 50. Knit something.

P.S. Good for Lala and her skills. Seriously, tho.

via GIPHY

#2 MADONNA

As a little girl who wanted to be known as the Asian Madonna, I say to you, Madonna-- Shut. The. F%ck. Up. The Material Mamaw recently posted what's being called a video "sermon" while naked in a milky bathtub of floating rose petals, sharing her thoughts on COVID-19:

"That's the thing about COVID-19. It doesn't care about how rich you are, how famous you are, how funny you are. How smart you are. Where you live. What amazing stories you can tell. It's the great equalizer and what's terrible about it is what's great about it."

Yaaay, COVID-19? Please, stop sharing. We've seen it all from you, heard it all from you. Yawn. While you're at it, back off the chemical peel or whatever you did to your face. Extra shiny and smooth isn't normal.

Oh, and Botox isn't a "great equalizer". You'll never be 24 again.

via GIPHY

#1 EVANGELINE LILLY

Selfishness at its highest. Stupidity at its highest. These phrases are all Evangeline. I'm always down for a good conspiracy theory. And even though I'm a part of the media, I "see" what goes on with it. Is COVID-19 as scary as it's portrayed? Is it just a bad case of the flu? I'm no expert. And neither is an over-paid asshat actress. She's been raving how life is still normal for her. and she ain't changing a thing (until the lockdown order). She and her children, and her immuno-compromised father-- all of whom she lives with-- give zero effs. Sure.

"I am living with my father at the moment, who has stage four leukemia. I am also immune compromised at the moment. I have two young kids. Some people value their lives over freedom, some people value freedom over their lives. We all make our choices."

Unfortunately, b*tch, you're making choices for your children and for your father when you take your skank ass outside and mingle and roam when you shouldn't. Why? #Fact-- you can be asymptomatic, but then pass on the sickness to someone else who then gets sick. Like, your two kids or your dad.

I love my freedom. And I choose to not be a twatwaffle and do my part to chill and try to "flatten the curve".

Perhaps Darwin will do us all a favor and find you. ASAP.

<<Previous

No Joshin'

Second Chance

Febreezy Yeezy

What the Stank!?!?

Wish List

Cancel Culture Club

Dumbstruck

Jose Cuer-no

Ruding & Feuding

COVIDIOT

About The Slap

Archives

Categories