Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

Here Comes The Flatstepper...

2/24/2017

And he's not an historical gangster... (Shout out to Ini Kamoze.)

Offenders for the week ending February 24, 2017:

This week's Slap-ees will each receive a custom trending topic.

"Yeah... you like this!"

#3 LISA RINNA

I don't know about you, but the first thing I do when I get out of the shower is take a selfie. A nude selfie.

NOT!

I'm not a celeb, so my first thought is moisturizing. But I digress... The lovely Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star posted a fully nude pic on Instagram (minus the cookie jar-- sorry, guys.) A strategically-placed chair hid her Entenmann's Crumb Cake. Rinna is no stranger to droppin' the panties. She's posed for Playboy twice, and because the mag recently announced its return to nekkid pics-- she decided to celebrate. She even used the hashtag "thefemalebodyisbeautiful". Then, for whatever reason, she took the picture down.
What!?!?

That's what I have a problem with. Yes, it's cliche to post flesh pics. Yawn. But sprout a pair of hairy kiwis and keep it up there!

Your Custom Trending Topic: #freethedrapesandcarpet

"Y'all want some of this jelly?"

#2 MAMA JUNE

We thought they were gone for good. But like a stubborn ass pimple, they're back! Join Mama June and the kiddos in her new reality TV show "Mama June: From Hot To Not". The Chronicles of No-nia follows our favorite matriarch's weight loss journey and her search for luuuuuuv. Maybe even lady love. Yup, goin' from Sugar Bear to Sour Puss. I'm praying that the latter doesn't become another show for her:

"Mama June: From Rooster to Trout"

The reason why I'm slapping her is because she won't go away! And she's forcing me to watch! Yes. Against my will my DVR was set to record this. So frustrating...

Your Custom Trending Topic: #callhermissredneckuniverse

"The Earth and this ball have nothin' in common."

#1 KYRIE IRVING

While on somebody's talk show, our beloved Cavalier shared his belief that the Earth is flat. I can't believe we are still having this debate. And on top of it, the U-S educational system is purposely misleading us! Egads!

A day or two after this revelation, he tried to point out what a deep thinker he actually is by saying it was all a social experiment. Sure. He claims he was trying to point out that there is so much real news out there to talk about, yet he could influence the dynamic with his theory and get people talking about it. Okay.

I'm not buying it. I think you really believe this rubbish, and you got caught, and now you feel foolish. Right? Lemme slap ya so you realize, for sure, the Earth is not flat!

Your Custom Trending Topic: #ElvisAndTupacAreAliveOnFlatEarth

PHOTO CREDIT:
Kyrie Irving https://www.flickr.com/photos/edrost88/
Gifs from www.giphy.com

A Fart. A Tart. And A Living Shart...

2/17/2017

Offenders for the week ending February 17, 2017:

This week's Slap-ees will each receive a Vogee Award (Yes, my own award.)

"I love you..."

#3 AARON CARTER

In a bizarro interview in which he started out with a claim that he paved the way for Justin Bieber, he then took a complete left turn into Rankville with a revelation about his first celebrity crush Sandra Bullock. I don't know when this was, but A.C. was hangin' with Demi Moore and her kids somewhere, when Sandra walked into the room. Aaron got so nervous at seeing his beloved crush, that he...

Farted.

And then, Sandra walked away.Way to blow it, so to speak. I personally think he was trying to impress her, because boys are icky and gross. The bigger question I have is why did Demi and the kiddos stick around? Is there some kind of pleasure derived from sitting amongst a fart cloud? Is that how Bruce Willis or Ass-hton Kutcher wooed her?

Enough of that. Before you know it, the sentiment "I *heart* you" will become "I *fart* you."

Your Vogee Award: Worst One Cheek Sneak

"I didn't shave my head, but I look like a ballerina hooker."

#2 KATY PERRY

During a red carpet interview for a pre-Grammys telecast, Hate-y took a random and unnecessary shot at Britney Spears. Ryan Seacrest asked her about her hiatus from music. She spewed:

"It's called taking care of your mental health... I haven't shaved my head yet."

Wow! That's not throwin' shade. That's throwin' a whole damned eclipse! You've worked with her, AND on top of that-- Brit-Brit has said publicly how much she admires you. Shame!

We all make mistakes. Sadly, Britney's head-shaving is a part of pop culture history. But do we need to keep bringing it up? I'd consider your marrying that dirty-butt Russell Brand cray-cray, but are we all picking that scab? (Wait. We just did. Not sorry.)

Why don't you go make-nice with Left Shark and leave Britney alone!

Your Vogee Award: Best Placement of The Letter 'B' in Bitch

"Raise your hand if you think CeeLo is loco?"

#1 CEELO GREEN

WTF was that costume he wore to the Grammys!?!? He was covered head-to-toe in a gold suit, complete with a gold mask. Was he feeling left out, so he awarded himself, himself?!?! Or maybe he's a new superhero:

C-3P-No!

Or, is he trying to make his song "Crazy" a self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe he's trying to make us all forget he pleaded no contest to providing a woman ecstasy against her will. Or his questionable tweets about rape:

"Women who have really been raped REMEMBER!!!"

And this gem:

"If someone is passed out, they're not even WITH you consciously! So WITH implies consent."

Or...maybe he's outing a freak-a-leak faction that's into bumpin' uglies with people dressed up like trophies. It's all so beautifully mind-boggling.

P.S. Kudos to you. We ARE talking about you... even if the talk isn't flattering.

Your Vogee Award: The Ultimate Desecration of a Precious Metal

PHOTO CREDITS:
Katy Perry https://www.flickr.com/photos/oouinouin/
C-3PO https://www.flickr.com/photos/zetotal/

She-She... SHAME!

2/10/2017

Offenders for the week ending February 10, 2017:

This week's Slap-ees will be immortalized via rhyme...

WTF, C-N-NOT!

#3 CNN

Hey! Did ya hear that Faith Hill and The Notorious B.I.G. are teaming up for an album of duets? Yaaay!

What?

First, Biggie been done-and-gone for 20 years; and second-- that's Faith EVANS-- not Faith HILL. Well, at least you got the first name correct. Is there anything you actually get correct these days?

FYI: Faith EVANS is a singer-- so I get the mistake (insert eye roll)-- and Big's widow. You do know Biggie isn't being brought back to life via some Way-Back-In-Time Machine, and that there's this thing called TECHNOLOGY which will allow the duets to happen, right? Cuz if there were a Waaaaay Back Machine maybe we could go back in time when you had your "stuff" together. Perhaps CNN should stand for: CONCOCTED NEWS NETWORK.

Your rhyme: Eenie, meenie, miney mo
Your 'news" reporting truly blows...

Even I'm not buying my own bullsh*t...

#2 GWYNETH PALTROW

For the love of all things good...

STOP GIVING US LIFE ADVICE!!!!!!!

If we want real advice, we'd get it from an expert in said area-- not some has-been actress trying to remain relevant!

First, Gwynie hit us up with the virtues of steaming our "cookie jars." Steam. On the jay-jay. Then, it was wearing a crystal. INSIDE the aforementioned cookie jar. And now, we ladies should burn our bras by the light of the full moon to 'cleanse the negative energy of failed relationships.' Oh, but there's more! According to relationship expert Suzannah Galland, lingerie holds memories of a certain partner-- which is good during, but post breakup...no way. The residual energy is left behind making it difficult to find closure.

(With as many exes as Gwynie has had, she must've started an inferno...)

Look, if I'm burning any underwear-- it's gonna be HIS. Preferably while he's wearing them. Why can't Gwyn encounter a zen nun who convinces her that a golden muzzle and vow of silence are the way to roll?

Your rhyme: Hickory dickory dock
Won't you please run head-first into a block!?!?

He'd be awesome at the World Series...

#1 KIM KARDASHIAN

Maybe she's trying to be the supportive wife. Or she sees just another opportunity for media attention. I'm goin' with the latter, because-- DUH!

Think of past "Big Game" halftime shows that were epic: Bruce Springsteen. Prince, Bruno Mars.... and most recently, Gaga. Kimster all over social media re-tweeting fans wanting hubby Kanye to play next year. Bad idea. Really bad. C'mon, Kim! The stress alone might make him explode! Plus, why would he even be interested? He's compared performing live to fighting a war, and how it's tougher than what our police and military do. We surely don't want him getting PTSD!

(Sniff, sniff, whiny beyotch!)

And-- halftime performers don't get paid, so no big diamond for you to 'get stolen'.

P.S. Your man's arch-nemesis/enemy/sexual obsession Taylor Swift is the artist people want to see perform next. Ouchie.

Your poem: Roses are red, violets are blue
For the love of God, won't you STFU!?!?

PHOTO CREDITS:
KIM KARDASHIAN https://www.flickr.com/photos/evarinaldiphotography/
GWYNETH PALTROW https://www.flickr.com/photos/dno1967b/
FAITH HILL https://www.flickr.com/photos/32892638@N00/

Here Comes The Flatstepper...

A Fart. A Tart. And A Living Shart...

She-She... SHAME!

About The Slap

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﻿Here Comes The Flatstepper...

A Fart. A Tart. And A Living Shart...

She-She... SHAME!

About The Slap

Archives

Categories

Here Comes The Flatstepper...