And I warn you... I'm in a poetic mood this week.
OFFENSE: Perpetual victim
Look, girl. I've felt for you. I really have. You made a mistake that some young women have made throughout the annals of history-- falling for a powerful, charismatic, older man. It happens. Unfortunately, the man you fell for was the President of the United States. So you suffered the humiliation, the endless scrutiny and punchlines more than Billy Boy ever did-- even though he abused his power and remained virtually unscathed.
Stop talking about it! You can't put the past behind you if you keep bringing it up. Please, zip it-- like you should've zipped-up Willie's pants!
So I reach out to you, Monica Lewinsky, with this"
"You put your mouth on Willie's bone.
Now get your mouth off the microphone.
Go away, and never be found.
And stay clear of those poon hounds."
Granted, she didn't come up with what I'm about to share, but... she is passing it on. So that makes her culpable. (Yes, I used a 'big girl' word there.) Are you ready? Guess what, ladies?
YOU CAN HAVE A PAIN-FREE PREGNANCY! YES-- PAIN FREE!
Her resident Goop pain expert (I forget her name) says pregnancy can be a walk in the park! When your chest hurts, or your butt hurts, or your arm hurts-- just rub some almond oil on your belly and chest in a figure-eight pattern. Voila! No more pain!
And don't bother eating. Avoid cow's milk, dairy, rich fatty meats, pork, roasted peanuts and peanut butter, concentrated fruit juices, wheat, sugar and sweeteners. Eat veggies and salad, and eat small portions.
And this gem: during your last trimester, relieve pain by dropping down on all fours. That way, the baby is not pressing on your pelvis, but is hanging forward in your belly. Isn't that how you got into this predicament in the first place? (wink, wink)
Please, Gwyneth. Stop with the advice. The world would be a better place.
Here's my rhyme for you:
"Hey, Queen of GOOP--
The advice you give is full of poop.
An expert you are not.
But you are a silly, bitchy, snot."
I should add "tap dancer" to your list of occupations since you're doing so well at it (insert sarcasm.) Beth left the Real Housewives years ago because she was supposedly embarrassed by the franchise-- the same franchise that netted her two spinoff shows and netted her loads of moola with her Skinny Girl brand. Guess she got over it or lost her own pride because she's baaaaaack!
Actually, you should be embarrassed for selling your soul to devil Andy Cohen for fame and fortune. And let's be frank-el here. Your divorce was as nasty as they get, and you have your ex-manchild and your child to support. Get them cat claws out, girlie, and make money! By the way, your rationale for your return is just as fake as most of your body parts.
I hope you feel my flow, Betheny:
"Betheny Frankel, you're a twit.
Your jacked-up face, I'd like to hit.
Upon your throne you love to sit.
Breathing air, I wish you'd quit."
Monica Lewinsky: https://www.flickr.com/photos/minglemediatv/
Gwyneth Paltrow: https://www.flickr.com/photos/annie_is_okay/
Betheny Frankel: https://www.flickr.com/photos/nicknamemiket/