Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

An Abomination Unto Us...

3/31/2017

Offender for the week ending March 31, 2017.

Yes, you read that properly. There is only one offender this week. And he's a ginormous toolbag.

#3 - #1 JON GOSSELIN

Usually, those of the Asian Persuasion aren't foolish. Quirky. Kinky. Endearing. Yes. But foolish? There ain't no time for that! But the exception is Jon Gosselin. A complete embarrassment to the Asian Nation.

There was a time that I had empathy in my heart for this dipshit. His ex-wfie Kate is no walk in the park. That b*tch is a mother-effing hurricane wrapped inside an erupting volcano. But over time, I grew to understand why she browbeat him relentlessly-- HE'S AN IDIOT!

Sure, having eight kids is a bit of a challenge. But to spiral into a complete mess and affront to humanity and then expect us to care is repulsive. Let's take a stroll down memory lane. Jon-boy was an engineer (great job, by the way) when he met Kate-- a nurse. They got married, had two children, then decided to try for one more. Well, then came 6 more kids and a reality TV show. Jon quit his job and then quit parenting because it was time for his midlife crisis. He started staying out all night with tramps much younger than himself, clubbing, drinking, acting like a frat boy. Kate wasn't having any of it, so she divorced him.

No big deal. Jon's a star, right?!?! Well, nobody offered him a reality show. And he claimed because of his "fame" that he couldn't keep down a real job anymore, and that meant he couldn't pay child support, blah, blah, blah. So, he became a cook at TGI Fridays, then a club DJ. A bad club DJ. And now.... this...

Road trip anyone? Vomit.

The ad reads that it's his "big debut". Well, since your ex-wife and your ex-hoes called you "stubby", there's nothing 'big" about you. Except your chins and your gut. For $40 you can watch him de-robe in what is surely to be the furthest thing from sexy. Have thee not any pride!?!?! Your children are now old enough to see your stanky pile of B.S. on the internet. It's not that I have a problem with stripping. Who cares? I have a problem with this sorry excuse for a male stripping. This douchenipple is just looking for attention which he surely hopes translates into some other reality gig that will net him big bucks. Here's a thought:

Get a damn job!

You can still work as an engineer. I know office life is boring, but engineers do make good money. But that would require you to work as a professional, which you are the furthest thing from. (Sorry to end a sentence with a preposition, but I'm fired up!)

And the biggest reason I want to slap the crap out of you-- you're sullying the Korean ethnicity. The half of me that's Korean wants to punch you in your kimchi-eating mouth. Why? Because Korean folk are cool. If there are any fellow-yellows out there doing stupid newsworthy things, it's usually the Chinese or the Japanese. But with your mere existence, we are tarnished. Forever.

For the sake of mankind, KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON! AND THEN DISAPPEAR!

PHOTO CREDIT:
GIF www.giphy.com

Shout It Out Wrong!

3/24/2017

Offenders for the week ending March 24, 2017:

This week our Slap-ees are given a phone number to call...

"This using-the-phone-thing sober is so stressful!"

#3 DRAKE

Apparently, he's taking the Usher route with some confessions on his latest album. On the track, "Free Smoke" he spills the tea:

"I drunk text J.Lo/Old number, so it bounce back."

Well, he apparently got the right number... before she started blocking his calls. Really? That's all ya got!?!? You texted an old number!?!? WHAT did you text her while under the influence!?!?! That's the good stuff! That and your shady move of having some other chick re-sing all the vocals J.Lo did for your new album. Methinks you bumped uglies with this up-and-coming singer.How petty. You're the douchesniffer that CHEATED on her. Get over your lameness!

P.S. She was too good for you. Wow. I'm really passionate about this.

Please call: 1-800-EAT-A-BAG-OF-SWEATY-DICKS

"Uhhhh....."

#2 SHAQ

Maybe it's a basketball thing... but Shaq Fu is of one mind with Kyrie Irving. He also believes the Earth is flat. Shaq is known to be a joke-ster, so maybe he really doesn't. But he does sound convincing:

"In school, the first thing they teach us is 'Columbus discovered America', but when he got there, there were some fair-skinned people with the long hair smoking on the peace pipes. So, what does that tell you? Columbus didn't discover America.'

Okay. So, America was 'new to him.' What does that have to do with the Earth being flat!?!?

"Have you looked outside Atlanta lately and seen all these buildings? You mean to tell me that China is under us?... It's not. The world is flat."

I say we prove these people wrong once-and-for-all. Get a shovel and start digging.

You can't run from stupid.

Please call: 1-800-A-MIND-IS-A-TERRIBLE-THING-TO-WASTE

"Awwww, shit. They heard that, didn't they?"

#1 MOHAMMED ANAS

I didn't know who this dude was until this week. Talk about an epic fail. M.A. is a soccer player from Ghana who plays for South Africa's Free State Stars. He'd just been named "Man of the Match" when he made this Freudian slip during a post-game interview:

"Firstly I appreciate my fans... and my wife and my girlfriend."

Say who? It could've been an honest mistake, right? Maybe he was just excited and nervous. Or perhaps he's actually the "Man of the Snatch" and that's why he made the slip. Hope he makes a lot of money as a footballer, because I think some make-up diamonds are in his future... if wifey doesn't rip off his jewels first.

You have been immortalized forever, Mr. Mohammed An-"azz".

Please call: 1-800-SHE'S-GON-GET-HALF

PHOTO CREDITS:
GIFs www.giphy.com

Size Triple D

3/17/2017

As in: diva, a dick, and a ditz...

Offenders for the week ending March 17, 2017:
This week's Slap-ees will receive an appropriate Irish saying.

Tanaka says: "I think I found what I lost in these here bushes..."

#3 MARIAH CAREY

Our favorite diva just can't get out of the hot mess vortex. Her modus operandi of securing constant male companionship continues. Her latest victim: dancer Brian Tanaka. We saw their re-connection on her reality show "Mariah's World." We also know that Mariah was engaged at the time to some international billionaire, but he didn't make enough time for her. So that opened the door for Tanaka to become Mariah's next manservant. Word has it she really wants to marry her young lover-- whether he wants to or not! She must believe that the third time's a charm...

"Mariah is already talking marriage and kids because she is absolutely enamored by this guy. She's convinced now that he's the one..."

Apparently, friends have been encouraging her to put the brakes on-- but Mariah don't listen to no one! In fact, she's shopping for engagement rings. Way to make this a transaction. Why not just have him give you a red-solo-cup-donation and call it a day. (wink, wink)

Mariah: Wake up, girl. Tanaka: you best moonwalk right out of her penthouse.

Your Irish Saying: (and this is for Tanaka) "If you want praise, die. If you want blame, marry."

"My lips are movin', so I must be lyin' about somethin'..."

#2 VANDERPUMP RULES STAR JAX TAYLOR

This perpetual man-child can't stop pouting when he doesn't get his way. This time he was at an event and wanted his picture taken with The Bachelor star Nick Viall. But Nick said he doesn't do social media. Then things got ugly:

"I have no f*cking idea who you are... Bro, you're on the f*cking Bachelor. You're gonna be gone in two weeks and nobody will know who the f&ck you are."

Ouchie. Then, he proceeded to call Nick an egotistical d-bag and much more-- to his face. Truth is, a ton of people wanted their picture taken with Nick and not Jax. Plus, Mr. Taylor had some "liquid courage" going on, which makes him extra loser-ish.

Nice, old-man-frat-boy. By the way, nobody would know who the f*ck you are, Jax-ass if it weren't for the show you're on. You're a nearly-40-year-old bartender!!!

Your Irish Saying: "May you live to be 100 years, with one extra to repent." (Think of all the years of trainwreck reality TV we'd get if he lived that long!)

"WikiLeaks on these, Julian!"

#1 PAMELA ANDERSON

She does like her bad boys. And the object of her love is WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. She's been spotted bringing him food at the Ecuadorean Embassy where he's been holed-up for the past four years to avoid extradition to Sweden on rape charges. And for all you naysayers out there, he's innocent until proven guilty.

"My Julian is the most intelligent, interesting, and informed man in existence."

The feeling is mutual:

"She's an attractive person with an attractive personality and whip-smart. She's psychologically savvy."

Oh, I bet she's good with a whip! Anywho, not everyone believes Pammy's intentions are true. One former associate had this tidbit:

"Pamela doesn't do anything unless she is getting paid... and a few years ago, she was pretty broke."

Noooooo! But she wrote this about her beloved. A poem entitled: "My Julian."

Pamela, Pamela, Pamela. Apparently there's some TitiLeaks going on. That implant juice has hit your brain.

Your Irish Saying: "It's easy to halve the potato where there's love."

PHOTO CREDIT:
Gifs www.giphy.com

Dudes Doin' Dumb

3/10/2017

Offenders for the week ending March 10, 2017:

(What is it with offensive men?!?! LOL)
This week's Slap-ees will receive a prescription from Dr. Vogel.

Get ready for the thug life, Luis!

#3 LOUIS TOMLINSON

The former One Direction-er went down a one-way street of rage when he assaulted a paparazzo at the L.A. airport. Someonegot a little too close, and Louis pulled him down by the legs, causing the commoner to hit his head on the ground. Then... he got into a scrum with an onlooker who was taking some video of the whole melee.

Tsk, tsk tsk.

I thought you British pop stars were a bit more proper. Are you upset because he called you "Loo-iss" instead of "Loo-ee"? He can't help that your parents gave you a name that has a different pronunciation from its spelling. Geez. Or is it because deep down inside your inner Ricky Martin wishes you were named "Luis"? What ever the case, get a grip! Can photogs be annoying? Hecks-to-the-yeah! Loo-ee's attorney says his client was 'provoked.' Probably. But that's the game so they can get a good pic. You should know this by now!

By the way, the photographer and onlooker made citizens' arrests! Classic! Well, Luis, have fun in court on the 29th.

Dr. Vogel prescribes: A 1,000 mg tablet of Chill-The-F*ck-Out, every hour.

"Oh, baybeeeeeeee i'm longing for youuuuuuu..."

#2 JOHN MAYER

Oh, you perpetual man-ho! His ex, Katy Perry, just broke up with Orlando Bloom, and guess who's swooping in for the kill? Yup. This rocket man. He called her up to see how she's doing:

"He just wanted to make sure she's okay."

Of course. And to make sure the buffet is open if he's hungry. Geesh! Well, they were soulmates... until he cheated. Dude thinks he's some kind of superhero, right?:

John Mayer, The Poon Slayer

You'd think, after all his years of turning the female celebrity "A" list into the "Ahhh" list, he'd be a bit savvier.

P.S. Give it a minute. She hasn't even had a chance to air it out yet!

Dr. Vogel prescribes: A pair of compression tighty whities to keep that thing in check. (Make that two pair.)

JUSTICE

#1 HUNTER BIDEN

It's a real-life soap opera unfolding with the Bidens. The late Beau Biden's widow, Hallie, is dating Hunter-- her former brother-in-law (and Beau's bro). Her married former brother-in-law. (We need a Hallmark card for this.) I'm not trying to be judge-y here. Perhaps their mutual grief brought them closer.... yeah, I find this a little suspect. Did these two have feelings for each other while married to their respective spouses? Well, Hunter is separated and supposedly papa Joe and mama Jill approve. Whatever.

Now, Hunter's estranged wife Kathleen is throwin' so much shade she's causing an eclipse. This is what she's airing out:

1. He loves some drugs and prostitutes.

2. He spends money on his own interests: travel, alcohol, strip clubs....

3. He can't support his three children and can't pay his bills (housekeeper, medical bills, therapists.)

Hallie-- you best Bide-n your time and then run from this obvious disease-harboring douchebag! And you, Hunter-- I've decided to change your name to C*nt-er. You're that repulsive.

Dr. Vogel prescribes: One wooden box. Crawl inside, shut the lid, and proceed to stop breathing. Permanently.

PHOTO CREDITS:
Gifs www.giphy.com
John Mayer https://www.flickr.com/photos/sweetmusic/

Rotten Sausage Party

3/3/2017

Offenders for the week ending March 3, 2017:

Yup. All positions on this week's list are occupied by men.
This week's Slap-ees will be directed towards whom to blame for their shameful behavior.

"I'm such a sensitive guy..."

#3 THE BACHELOR NICK VIALL

Poor Nickster is afraid of one-on-one time in the Fantasy Suite. Remember, Nick is a two-time loser from The Bachelorette... so, he's feeling a bit nervous and worried that he's going to not make the right decision and have his heart broken, blah, blah, blah...

"I'm excited about this week-- overnights and fantasy-suite dates give you an incredible opportunity to connect with someone... Love is a two-way street, and you can lose it at any point. Hopefully, this doesn't all blow up in my face."

Do you really believe anyone is truly looking for love on this show?

Well, I'm sure he'll get over his fears once Woodrow the PantsPecker gets a load of one of these chicks in their finest negligee. (Yes, I used "negligee". This is a classy blog.) Oh, and I'm sure he'll find an everlasting love. Bwaa haa haa!

The Blame Game: #BlameMommy. She obviously made you a wuss. Afraid of puss.

"I will eat your soul..."

#2 ATLANTA FALCONS RECEIVER MOHAMED SANU

Forget deflated balls-- this is the true NFL controversy. Someone sabotaged the momentum the Falcons had going into halftime of Superbowl 51. And that said individual is Lady Gaga. That's what Sanu believes.

"Usually halftime's only like 15 minutes. And when you're not on the field for like a half hour, it's just like going to work out-- like a great workout-- and then you're gonna sit on the couch for an hour. And then try to start working out again."

Oh, yeah. I totally see your point! (shakes head, "No.") Comparing the biggest game of the season, the dream every football player wants to achieve-- to a "workout" is lame. Find a way to keep your head and body in the game. You're a pro. Plus, this isn't the first instance of a Superbowl halftime being 30 minutes. Where have you been? By the way, the Patriots didn't take the same break? And now for the zinger, your team extended its lead early in the second half. And then the Cleveland Browns showed up, and y'all choked.

Again, lame.

The Blame Game: #BlameGaga why? Cuz her mic drop apparently landed on this dude's head.

"Call me Dick... Tracy. "

#1 WARREN BEATTY

The 2017 Oscars were memorable. Not for the political messages that the Hollywood elite were trying to shove down our throats, but for the EPIC f*ck up announcement for Best Picture. Warren opens the envelope, looks at it, and... and...and... let's Faye Dunaway read the wrong stuff. Bitch, please.

"I wasn't trying to be funny."

No sh*t, Captain Obvious. Apparently, improvisation is not a part of your thespian repertoire. You knew you had the card for Best Actress, you gave Faye the envelope, and she said La La Land.

What's that sound?

The bus, driven by Bitty Beatty, running over Faye. Quite douche-y. You couldn't say: "Hey, guys. I have the wrong card."?!? Back to retirement for you, Warren.

P.S. Mad props to Faye for her disappearing act from the stage. That was expertly done!

The Blame Game: #BlameMadonna for luring you with her moldy muffin in the 90s. I don't know what this has to do with Warren's eff up, but I don't know what Gaga has to do with the Falcons losing the Superbowl...

PHOTO CREDIT:
Lady Gaga https://www.flickr.com/photos/infofarmer/
Gifs from www.giphy.com

An Abomination Unto Us...

Shout It Out Wrong!

Size Triple D

Dudes Doin' Dumb

Rotten Sausage Party

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