Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

Diva Overload!

5/26/2017

Offenders for the week ending May 26, 2017:

"This is how a Canadian kicks your ass!"

#3 CELINE DION

You're a classy dame, Celine. And yes, a diva. But a good diva. So why the fuss? Things were less-than-cozy between Celine and Cher at the Billboard Music Awards last Sunday in Vegas. Celine and Cher have competing residencies in Vegas, but Celine believes she is the Grand Dame of The Strip. So, when the awards show rolled around and Cher got more stage time-- well, Mizz Dion was not happy.

What more time did you really need? You sang "My Heart Will Go On". It was special, marking it's rise to the top of the charts 20 years ago. Were you going to re-enact the sinking of the Titanic? Plus, Cher was receiving an icon award. And at the age of 71, she deserved to take all the time she wanted. Perspective, please. You're a Canadian that we actually like. Don't ruin it.

#crazycanuck

"I'm so fab I fart sparkles."

#2 CHER

Are you getting slapped for showing off your body? No. Wearing costumes nobody would dare to? No. I'm upset about your left nipple. And your blatant discrimination against it. Cher wore a Cher-esque outfit for the Billboard Music Awards, complete with pasties. Well, a pasty for just the left nipple. Apparently the right one is her favorite-- cuz she let that sista stand proud and free!

Cher-- you've been an outspoken advocate for those discriminated against and forgotten. You've always lived your life as you see fit. And yet... and yet, why the left nipple hate? I find it even more appalling that you would shun the left, since you're a liberal. Wouldn't it make more sense to censor the right, so to speak? Free both your nipples or none at all! Where can we protest?

P.S. I could've lived the rest of my life not ever seeing one of Cher's nipples.

#leftnippleequality

"Tanaka, I need you... to wipe my brow."

#1 MARIAH CAREY

What's that smell? Desperation. And it reeks. Is it because you need to drum-up some ticket sales for your tour with Lionel that you're resorting to planting faux stories in a faux media world? Guess who Dumb Diva is allegedly "making nice" with? Former BoyToy Lova Bryan Tanaka. The same BoyToy-Lova that she dumped because he was spending too much of her fortune. Sigh.

The pair reunited for a dinner date at Wolfgang Puck's Beverly Hills restaurant. And guess what? The paparazzi just happened to be there. Amazing! It's not like she'd actually resort to calling them beforehand... (insert sarcasm) And her peeps, fearing this really might be a reunion, had this to say:

"Her team is worried Bryan could harm Mariah's well-being should they get back together. They've gone all out to stop it from happening."

Either accept that he's poorer than you, but you're addicted to his Oscar Mayer, so it's on again... or find a man that has your same resources!

#needyandskeevy

PHOTO CREDIT:
GIFs www.giphy.com

Fly, Turdies... Fly!

5/19/2017

Offenders for the week ending May 19, 2017:

"Here's what you can do with your cake!"

#3 JETBLUE

I know an airline is not a celebrity, but infamy qualifies-- at least with the slap. You'd think with all the bad publicity that the industry is getting recently, they'd check themselves before they wreck themselves. Apparently not. Imagine this:

"Hey, honey. We're going to Vegas for your 40th birthday!" Yaaaaay! But wait-- Cameron Burke, and his birthday-girl-wife and their family were en route to Vegas for said celebration when the flight attendants had them removed. Over a birthday cake. The flight attendants couldn't agree on where to store it. Here's how it went down:

Here's my thing: this family passed TSA, so what's the problem with the damn cake? Hello? Shame on you! Time to rename you JetLose.

"I'm blind and I have this squish-face syndrome, so I'm innocent..."

#2 BILL COSBY

Not only is he blind, but apparently he's insane. And things are a whole lot "nefarious." Yup. That's his go-to word to describe his "situation". On a previous Celebrity Slap, I shared that the Cosby family was embarking on a media tour to try and gain sympathy ahead of his trial this summer. In a rare interview with the allegedly-rapey-mixologist, Cos claims this whole thing is rooted in racism:

"Nefarious is a great word. And I just truly believe that some of it may very well be that."

Nefarious by definition means: wicked or criminal. Like what you're accused of? And how are these decades-ranging allegations racist? Some of your alleged victims are African-American. You are African-American. And, you've done well for yourself... in a supposed white-washed world.

Yeah, keep reachin', you rank butthole. You and your entire delusional family are a puddin' pop short of a whole box.

"Blah, blah, blah...."

#1 TAYLOR HICKS

ican Idol is back! And Katy Perry has been named as one of the judges. And supposedly, Idol alum Chris Daughtry. Cool! Unless you're the Taylor-who-wishes-he-were-Swift.
Even though they're buds, Hickster doesn't think D should be a judge:

"I think a winner should be (a judge), personally, because what you go through to win the show is a lot different than what you go through when you're third or fourth, you know, or fight. Or tenth."

Okay. Sounds valid. Or it sounds like sour grapes 'cuz no one's called YOU to judge. Right?

"I'm not confirming or denying it."

Which means, your phone ain't ringing. Well, Soul Patrol knows best. So, let's compare the two:

Taylor:
Winner of American Idol, Season 5
Vegas residency 2012
Number of hit songs:.................
Net worth: $3.5 million
Chris:
#4 finisher American Idol, Season 5
Acted in multiple TV shows
Number of hit songs: 4 #1s, 10 Top 10s
Net worth: $8.5 million

Take your beloved harmonica and stick it in your booty crack. Maybe you'll get fame for playing it that way.

PHOTO CREDIT:
GIFs www.giphy.com

Girl, Bye!

5/12/2017

Offenders for the week ending May 12, 2017:

"Maybe some money will fall out of this magical swirly-thingie..."

#3 LINDSAY LOHAN

I do have to give LiLo a little credit. She's been lying low-- for the most part-- except for the drama involving her ex-psycho billionaire fiance. Well, she's baaaaack! Because she needs to get her booty court. See, there's this minor dispute between her and her chauffeur. She owes him money, but she doesn't want to pay. And she won't answer to it in court. Boo hoo. And on top of it-- she couldn't pay her hotel bill, so her chauffeur did.

She hasn't paid that back, either.

Her reason?

Look, Linds. You no longer have rich-man-teet to suckle off of, and you ran out of your own money. So quit living the lifestyle of the rich and famous. Best move to Florida, find an old dude with a snazzy hoveround, a full set of teeth, and an S.S. check-- and knock yourself out!

...selling my body for cigs and shampoo from the commissary.

#2 ABBY LEE MILLER

From "Dance Moms" to "Prison Bitch", Abby's sins have come back to haunt her. A year in prison, plus two years probation for fraud-- filing bankruptcy and oops, hiding assets. She had all kinds of excuses when she apologized in court. She said her father had perfect credit, and when she took over his dance business she ran into debt. She really, really planned to pay everybody back. But it was complicated.... And then:

"I didn't realize when you apply for bankruptcy it's like signing up for more homework."

What? You can't get someone to help you out that understands the process? Yeah... Are you related to reality TV star Teresa Giudice?

But all of this is NOT what's getting Abby slapped. It's what she plans to do while behind bars. She wants to learn how to speak Spanish, read more, and work on a new book. So glad you see your time behind bars as a sabbatical. I've got some time-passing ideas for you: how 'bout you learn portion control and how to shut your fat trap!?!?!

"I am a proper Southern Belle." Southern as in Hell...

#1 PHAEDRA PARKS

The big scandal on this season of the Real Housewives of Atlanta involved Phaedra's fellow co-star Kandi Burruss, and a rumor that Kandi and her hubby, Todd, wanted to drug and rape fellow co-star Porsha Williams.

Excuse me!?!?

Kandi vehemently denied the accusation that flowed from Porsha's lips. Who would say such slanderous things? That would be Kandi's former best-ie and now Porsha's new best-ie-- Phaedra. See, Fake-dra and Kandi had a falling-out over a business thing, and the fact that Todd and Phaedra's hubby, Apollo, are still friends. Whatevs. To spread such awful things about someone you once 'cared' about is repulsive.

I've always thought this "B" was shady. I mean, any woman that's a lawyer and knowingly marries a convict... and then acts surprised when he ends up back in prison. Please.

You are living proof that lineage, education, and money do NOT equate class. You're just a low-down, vindictive, conniving knob-gobbler in way-too-tight clothing.

PHOTO CREDIT:
Lindsay Lohan https://www.flickr.com/photos/congaman/
GIFs www.giphy.com

This Slap is on Fyre!

5/5/2017

Offenders for the week ending May 5, 2017:

"WHAT'S MY NAAAAAME????"

#3 OPRAH

When you have more money than Zeus and you're friggin' Oprah Winfrey, why do you give two f*cks about anything. Seriously? I wouldn't care. Period. But Oprah wants you to "Say Her Name, Say Her Name," or else! It was "Kids Day" at O HQ, and Oprah bribed a kid with $10 if she could tell her who she was. So. Pathetic. Someone captured it on video:

I know Gayle King wasn't around to kiss your hiney, but please. Apparently, the Big O hasn't been around children much. Because if she had, she'd know that when children are put on the spot-- even about sharing what their own name is-- they freeze up. Hope daddy ain't out of a job now since kiddo choked. Just go home, Oprah, and get whatever you need from Steadman Your Manservant/Boyfriend/Sadsack.

"Like all dem greats, I be goin' by one name."

#2 BILLY RAY CYRUS

"Hey, y'all. I is a needin' to be there relevanting again, so Imma gonna change my name. Cuz me not comfys in this Billy Ray skin no more." -- The "Artist" Formerly Known As Billy Ray.

Since the embarrassment of his loins, Miley, has calmed down, Papa Ray has to do something, right? So, he's going to change his name to: Cyrus. Just. Cyrus. Because that's what he's always wanted:

"... I always went by Cyrus, and I begged Mercury Records to call me Cyrus in the beginning because that's what I was comfortable with. I'm going to the hospital where I was born in Bellefonte, Kentucky, and legally changing my name."

Awesome. But you should know that you have to go to the COURTHOUSE to get that name change. Yeah. Well, until you make the change on August 25th, we're gonna call you Billy Ray Butthole. Yeah, I'm bringing back first grade insults, because I've always wanted to roll that way.

Ja's and Billy's dreams go up in smoke...

#1 JA RULE AND BILLY MCFARLAND

Granted, I'm not taking the side of the entitled bratty genetic wastes of space, but this is some stuff. Ja and Billy decided they were going to stage this awesome festival in the Bahamas. The Fyre Festival was pushed by famous folk and social media influencers as:

"a unique, multi-day luxury music and arts festival with celebrity chef-catered meals and impressive accommodations."

Tickets ranged from $1,500 to $12,000 with those who bought VIP passes getting access to a yacht. Yipee! Sounds like paradise.... But, it failed. Big time. Headliner Blink 182 pulled out, and when festival-goers got there, they were treated to relief tents and mattresses, cheese sandwiches, and port-a-potties.

So, the Dipsh*t Duo said the Bahamas didn't have the infrastructure to accommodate such an event. Duh. Take a page out of the Sandals resort playbook (which your non-event was next too)-- you build the infrastructure and isolate the clients in paradise. Or even better-- partner with Sandals. They have great food and great accommodations!

Sigh. You two are quite the entre-manures, aren't ya? And get this-- these fools are gonna try it again next year. BWAAAA HAAAAA! Stop. Just. Stop.

P.S. I'd be all about the FRYe festival. But I'd only pay $2.50 for it...

PHOTO CREDIT:
GIFs www.giphy.com

Diva Overload!

Fly, Turdies... Fly!

Girl, Bye!

This Slap is on Fyre!

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