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Twit Trifecta

12/28/2018

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We're taking a break from slapping celebrities. We'd thought we'd end the year slapping a few real-life characters that are in desperate need of punishment. With that in mind, enjoy. 
​
​Offenders for the year ending 2018:

via GIPHY

​#3 "SACKLESS WONDER"
You are all the bad/litigious "-ists/-isms" rolled into one. Perhaps one day you'll discover the one "-ism" you're lacking: "professionalism". But since you're close to the "hang 'em up" age, there's no hope for you. Plus, your reputation outside your shanty kingdom is less-than stellar, like, you're a complete joke.

Your weaknesses include: indecision; a lack of balls; poor self-evaluation; easily persuaded; and believing you're own bullsh*t. You're a knee-jerk reactor and a jerk in general. Perhaps you should next study under a magician since you're good with smoke and mirrors.

I do want to give you props for being an excellent binge-drinker, party animal, airhead, "company man" and all-around ass clown. I can respect an outright assh&le. It's the covert ones like you that pretend to care that make my skin crawl.  Hope that selling your soul to the Devil was worth the vajay-jay you now have in the place of what I assume would've been your snack-size sausage link.

P.S. Perhaps you should be a tad more discreet when gettin' some "strange". Everyone knows!

via GIPHY

#2 "C*NTZILLA" 
You're expert at exuding bad attitude and a pro at being condescending. That's why you're C*ntzilla.  You can take down an entire town and reduce someone to rubble in seconds. You're also the epitome of what females should not aspire to become. You're manipulative, self-serving, self-absorbed, and downright douchey. You like to divide people and talk sh&t about them to advance your own agenda. If someone isn't on your side, then you always find a way to push them out. A team player you're not-- unless you and your buddy Carp Crotch (because she smells like an entire ocean of dead fish) are hoppin' on Sackless Wonder's genital area.

Since we've established that he has an MIA "fruit bowl", the two of you must be on an archaeological dig. All that surveying has curried you favor. Perhaps silly putty-titties and the disposition of a rabid badger are "en vogue." If so, you've got style for the ages. Otherwise,  you're a pathetic excuse for a human being. 


"Oh, no. There goes Canton, OH. Go, go, C*ntzilla!"

via GIPHY

​#1  "CRAZY EYES"
Since you think you're evolved, intelligent and superior, I thought I'd write a little poem for you. Forget the prose. Everything that needs to be said is spewed below. Forgive my imperfect rhyme, because I'm not as scholarly as you: Bwaaa haaaa haaaaa haaaaa!

Ode to the Un-Woke

You should've taken notes when I tried to teach you
But you didn't care, so let the beasts eat you.
Chirping like a bird to your mother hen
To hatch your plan--  but how did it end?
You're not a star (please);
You don't matter (ha-ha).
There is no happily-ever-after... for you.
A tool, a fool who chose to deceive. 
In you no one can believe.
Because to you all men are bad
And they're out to get you (or get with you)
Thanks to your issues with dad.
What you don't know is that you're... sad
And fake and a little lazy.
You should've earned it.
And not ​burned it, 
Mizz Mother F*ckin' Crazy.

Happy New Year to *all* of yous...

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Magic-Less

4/27/2018

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Offenders for the week ending April 27, 2018:

via GIPHY

#3 CHANNING TATUM
You've heard the saying:

                                                   "Birds of a feather flock together"

So why are you hanging out with former The Bachelor contestant Arie Luyendyk Jr.? Unless you, too, are a raging douchebag tampon junkie. Sure, it's cool to hang out at a racetrack with the former race car driver. Pick someone cooler! It's bad enough people are talking smack about your impending divorce. Why add fuel to the fire? Stop making bad decisions.

​Just because you're unattached doesn't mean you need to behave like a dumbass frat boy. 

Just. No.  

via GIPHY

#2 THE KARDASHIANS
Such entre-manures these gals are! In a complete violation of proper business practices, the sloppy sisters announced publicly that they'd be closing the doors on their Dash boutique. This little gem came as quite the surprise to employees, who found out about the pending closure via social media. #FAIL

Kim K released this written-for-her statement:

"After nearly 12 years, my sisters and I have decided to close the doors of our Dash stores. We've loved running Dash, but in the last few years we've all grown so much individually. We've been busy running our own brands, as well as being moms and balancing work with our families. We know in our hearts that it's time to move on."

Too bad these broads can't close their legs like they're closing their shop doors. 

via GIPHY

#1 ALLISON MACK
Let's get this out of the way right off the bat. You're the biggest piece of lowlife piece of ass vomit that's ever existed. For those of you unfamiliar, the Smallville actress is accused of being the lieutenant of the NXIVM sex-cult. This cult masquerades as a "self-help" organization meant to empower women.

So disgusting. The members of this group were told to starve themselves to achieve a standard of beauty and to have sexual encounters with the leader. Mack's "sweet girl" persona was the perfect lure. So many reports that she tried to recruit fellow actresses while at auditions, harassing them by email. 

It's even more repulsive that a judge let her out on a $5 million bond. This pube rag should be behind bars until her trial. It's apparent she's a scheme-master and can't be trusted. 

We need to stop taking advantage of one another. And I think we should use you as an example. Set this bitch on fire on live TV and be done with it. 

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    About The Slap

    I lovingly call out celebs for their naughty behavior. Sometimes a 'slap' is a needed wake-up call. ;)

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