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We Three Weens...

7/28/2017

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Offenders for the week ending July 28, 2017:
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"Be healed!"
​#3 JUSTIN BIEBER
This is a left cheek-right cheek double-slappy. 

First, Beebs has cancelled the rest of his tour. Guess it's too difficult for him to muster up the strength to finish his last 14 shows. By the way, he only does ONE show per week. Exhausting. I get it. This young fella has been recording and performing almost non-stop since he was discovered. There have been stories of him crying, begging his handlers to let him sleep. Finish what you start! What about the other performers on your tour that don't make as much as you and depend on a paycheck. Are you paying them for your flake out? 

Second, Beebs cancelled because he wants to get back in touch with his spirituality and because he's planning on starting his own church. Yes. His. Own. Church. I respect his desire to get back to the New Testament. He was raised in church, and having a strong foundation is good. But... starting a church? So. Many. Questions. Is he going to preach? What would be call him? The Reverend Beebs? Will his followers then truly be "Belibers?" 

The worship music would be interesting, though...

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"My milkshake brings all the hoes to the yard..."
#2 KEVIN HART
Just call him: Daddy Cheater. While his wife is preggo, Kevin's makin' nice with some trampola. Mr. Funnyman was caught canoodling inside his luxury ride with a hot brunette outside a Miami hotel. Of course, he's trying to play it off like it's social media's fault. Haters gonna hate, right? It has nothing to do with your track record of cheating... See, Kevin got divorced the first time because he was cheating on her with the woman that would become Wife #2 and the mother of his children. Methinks this is just a bit of karma coming back around to all the players involved:

                                        "He who cheats with you will cheat ON you."

Not only is cheating repulsive, but cheating while your wife is carrying your child is, like, 100 times worse. 

Pro tip: Cars have windows. No matter what time of day or night, or how discreet you think you are-- WE CAN SEE YOU!

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"Hey, Boo boo. I'm tossin' somethin' itchy ur way..."
#1 USHER
Ur-sher is making 'em blister. Gag. I used to find you lovable. We all felt compassion for you when you publicly admitted years ago that your philandering ways made TLC's Chili break it off with you. Then, you married that hideous lecherous She-Ra and had a child with her-- and we wanted you to open your eyes to her true ways. You did. But you need to stop opening your fly. For. Realz. A woman is suing him for $10 million dollars in an "unprotected sex" suit. Because girlfriend alleges she was exposed to herpes because of him. She claims the two engaged in heavy petting, she decided to play the "skin flute," then that led to full-on muffin-meets-fruit bowl time-- with protection. But 12 days later, the two rendezvoused again, sans raincoat... and... she's not infected, yet.

What? See, she's concerned because she learned via news reports that Oozer admitted to having Herpes Simplex 2. And she never would've gone to Pleasure Town with him had she known this in advance. Plus, he previously paid a woman $1.1 million for infecting her. 

Usher, is this "Confessions Part 3"? I'm about to slap you after I put this hazmat suit on...

​PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com
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Goop-y, Messy & Sloppy...

7/21/2017

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Offenders for the week ending July 21, 2017:
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Says it all...
#3 GWYNETH PALTROW
​Dr. Twatski's at it again! How did we survive all these centuries without you? Her latest medical marvel-- stickers that promote healing. And if you make them with just the right materials and stick them on your body in the right places-- MAGICAL HEALING! Dr. T had this to say: 

"Human bodies operate at an ideal energetic frequency, but everyday stresses and anxiety can throw off our internal balance, depleting our energy reserves and weakening our immune systems. Body Vibe stickers come pre-programmed to an ideal frequency, allowing them to target imbalances."

Oh, and for just $60 you'll get a 10-pack of supernatural bullsh*t thingies! Can't I just use a cool scratch-n-sniff sticker like I had as a kid and call it a day? 

How 'bout this? I'm gonna stick some duct tape on your mouth. That sticker will heal the rest of us.

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What a charmer...
#2 R. KELLY
Dude... We know your history of freek-a-leekness, but this. THIS is just beyond... This is slavery. Sex. Slavery. Multiple reports are surfacing that the AARP Lothario has been keeping a number of women (some very young) in homes in Chicago and Atlanta as members of a "sex-obsessed, abusive cult." Former members of his inner circle and parents of the women are standing strong with their claims that:

"he tells them what and when to eat, how to dress, how to cut their hair, when they sleep... you have to ask for food. You have to ask to go use the bathroom. He's a master at mind control. He is a puppet master."

This gives a whole new spin to a few of your songs: "It Seems Like You're Ready" & "Feelin' Yo Booty"... disgusting.

Of course, R's crew is vehemently denying the accusations. Cuz he's such an innocent... Just like poor Bill Cosby. By the way, you're not Hefner. You're more like Rapener.

I think you need to get back into that infamous closet. In fact-- make it your coffin. 

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"I walk erratically, too!"
​#1 AARON CARTER
Oh, the irony! Remember how he mocked Shia LaBeouf for another DUI arrest by saying:

                                            "You won't catch me getting any DUIs."

Guess what? BUSTED! Yup. A motorcyclist called 9-1-1 to report an erratic driver. Aaron admits he was driving erratically, because his alignment was out. And so that's why he was driving poorly and... he was profiled by police. Since Aaron is a white man with tattoos driving a white SUV, well-- automatic criminal! Plus, the cops knew he was a famous person.

BWAAA HAAA HAAA HAAA! Who the f*ck could actually recognize Aaron Carter!?!? I saw his mugshot and thought he was Vanilla Ice. NOT a compliment! And for the record. Aaron wasn't drunk and he doesn't do drugs.

"I take Xanax, Propranolol for high blood pressure medication, and I took oxycodones for my (jaw injury)."

Oh, and he did weed nine hours before his arrest. 

You could've had a great career. But instead, you're washed-up at 29 and look like a trailer-park-Justin-Bieber impersonator. 

"He who lives in a glass crack house should not cast a stone..."

​PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com
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Shia-way From The Booze!

7/14/2017

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Offenders for the week ending July 14, 2017:
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How Hot Felon-Ween gets "pussy"...
#3 HOT FELON & ALL OF SOCIETY
Humanity is doomed. Why? Because we grant fame and fortune to complete and utter ass-cysts. "Hot Felon" is a prime example. This gang member rose to fame when his mugshot hit the internets and all the ladies thought he was soooo dreamy. WTF? Sure, dude has nice eyes but... HE'S A CRIMINAL!!!!! There's nothing sexy about that. But apparently there is, since the married felon was caught kissing Topshop heiress Chloe Green. Now, the wifey has filed for divorce. 

So what was Hot Hell-on Wheels doing when he encountered the airhead-ess? Promoting some resort in Turkey. (I suppose the resort owner should be slapped, too.) 

Apparently, cheating doesn't count if it happens in another country?

Armageddon can't arrive soon enough.

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Memories of a better time...Sigh....
#2 BLAC CHYNA & ROB KARDASHIAN
These two need to stay away from each other, like an entire universe away. They define what a toxic relationship is all about. You've got an unwilling reality TV star and a gold-digging, fame-seeking hussy. B.C. was granted a restraining order against her baby-daddy-on-again-off-again boyfriend. Both are in the wrong. 

Blac: You're a steamy pile of sh*t for taking advantage of Rob's mental and emotional issues and using them to your advantage. Oh, and none of us are sorry that your plan to use Rob as your ticket to fame and fortune failed. Well, you do have his baby-- so there's a payday for a while.

Rob: She may be the mother of your child, but there are plenty of eligible, delightful ladies out there. Plus, airing your relationship dirty laundry on social media ain't cool. You look foolish and desperate. Focus on raising your child and not falling into the snares of a venus fly-sn*tch like Blac Chyna.

That's all I've got for yous from my soap box.

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"We're all gonna kick ur ass!"
​#1 SHIA LABEOUF
Another day, another nasty, belligerent, drunken incident. This time Savannah police got a large dose of douche. He ran from police from his hotel after spending an evening gettin' his drank on at a local restaurant. For whatever reason, Shia loves to scream and throw out the race card whenever he's chastised about his behavior. In his latest moment of shame, Shia ranted:  

        "If I had my gun I'll blow your shit up... You put your own kind in the f*cking pen."

You're sad and disgusting. What a disgrace to the entire male gender. There's nothing more to say, except: time to "transform" yourself and get your ass to rehab!

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com
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    I lovingly call out celebs for their naughty behavior. Sometimes a 'slap' is a needed wake-up call. ;)

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