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Athletic Sir-porters...

9/29/2017

 
Offenders for the week ending September 29, 2017:
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"Just call me Waterboy!"
#3 TOM BRADY
I've heard a lot of things: the Earth is flat; the moon walk didn't happen; we live amongst aliens-- you know, the usual stuff. Since Tom is Tom he knows everything, and people will take his word as germane. Like this gem: Did you know that you won't get a sunburn if you drink lots of water?

"When I was growing up, and playing outside in the sun, I got sunburned a lot. I was a fair-skinned Irish boy, after all. These days, even if I get an adequate amount of sun, I won't get a sunburn, which I credit to the amount of water I drink. I always hydrate afterward, too, to keep my skin from peeling."

Okay, Coppertone. 

Brady Bunch claims he drinks 2.5 gallons of water every day. 40 glasses of water! I get he's a mega athlete, but when do you have time to do all that drinking!?!? I know that animals that live in the water don't get sunburned, so maybe there's some validity here? 

BWAAA HAAAA HAAA! I'm sure some toolbag will try this, go out in the sun and get baked like a lobster... or-- die from internal drowning. Either way, someone will be coming for ya money. Go away, Dr. Faux_Oz!

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"I'm so in love with myself!"
#2 PEREZ HILTON
Rumor has it that 20-year-old Kylie Jenner is preggo. While no one is confirming nor denying the story (I'm sure Momma Opportunist is waiting for the biggest payday), the infamous blogger had this to say about Kylie's potential motherhood: 

"In case you haven't been paying attention, Kylie Jenner has been dating rapper Travis Scott for what, um, 5 months, 6 months? And also, a reminder Kylie Jenner is 19-years-old. Um, I love life, I love babies. If I were Kris Jenner, I would tell that girl to get an abortion!"


Wow. I will never be a fan of the Kardashian/Jenner clan, but I am a fan of life. Sure, these ladies are a vacant-headed bunch of sh*t-lips, but at least they have the cash to raise this poor child. Well, as expected, Perez got a lot of heat on the social medias about his comment. His response:

"I know I'm the best father dad! If my daughter was as unready & young as Kylie, I'd tell her to get an abortion too!"

You want equal rights for everything and everyone, but not for human life. Wouldn't you step up as a loving potential grandfather to help your daughter? Just. Stop.

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"And Trump's a stinky poopy-head, too!"
​#1 LEBRON JAMES
I've had enough of entertainers and athletes trying to tell me what I should think and what I should do. Unfortunately, there are too many that blindly follow the agenda of someone who is wealthy beyond imagination and detached from what the majority actually experiences on the daily. It all started when the President revoked his invite to the Golden State Warriors to come to the White House. His Highness, who last I checked, does NOT play with G.S., tweeted: 

"U bum (Stephen Curry) already said he ain't going! So therefore ain't no invite. Going to White House was a great honor until you showed up!"

Poignant. How is name calling someone you claim is a name-caller and a racist and a million other things accomplishing anything? Do you not realize that you spewing hate makes you a hypocrite? Lebron claims that Mr. Trump is using sports to divide us.  Nope. You are. Why not use your platform to share what we should be standing for, not against? Why not share with me ways that we can be better as humans, you know-- something positive, evolved, helpful!?!?!?! 

But that would make sense. So easy just to stir it up, then leave the scene. 

You're an ambassador for your sport. You've given back more to your home community than you need to. But really, STFU.

​PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

Cash Her Off The Planet!

9/22/2017

 
Offenders for the week ending September 22, 2017:
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"Check my drawers. I crapped in my pants."
#3 KEVIN HART
Props on getting in front of your latest scandal. Nip it in the bud, put the fire out. Get the FBI to investigate. I get it. Still doesn't cover the FACT that you're a scum fondler that can't stop wang-ing every tramp that drops her g-string. See, he's being blackmailed by someone who has a video and if said person doesn't get a multi-million dollar payday, well, get out the popcorn for the viewing! Kevin is cheating on his pregnant wife. So, why not get your mea culpa out there: 

"I'm at a place in my life where I feel like I have a target on my back. And because of that I should make smart decisions. And recently, I didn't. You know, I'm not perfect. I'm not going to sit up here and say that I am or claim to be in any way shape or form."


Yes. Nobody's perfect. But it's evident, some are just stupid for making the same mistake TWICE. Yeah. You cheated on your first wife with the chick who would become your current wife, whom you've cheated on with a stripper. And really, a stripper?!?!? Enjoy dumping into that Freddy Krueger baby-maker of hers. So. Much. Ick.

Are you gonna pull a Kobe Bryant and buy your wifey a big 'ol diamond that will erase her memory?

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Don't we all?
#2 GWYNETH PALTROW
I should just make her a permanent Slapee, but it's so cathartic to imagine slapping her, plus-- she obviously isn't getting the message. This might be the most ridiculous product on her stupid GOOP website:

                                                          Psychic Vampire Repellent

For a mere $30, you can get a spray elixir that:

"...uses a combination of gem healing and deeply aromatic therapeutic oils to banish bad vibes and shield you from people causing them."

I've been waiting for something like this! (You know I'm kidding...)


To use: Spray around your head to safeguard your aura. 

Uh, don't you know your aura is projected all around your body? You're so good at suggesting ways we plebeians can spend our hard-earned moola. Since you're the Genius of Everything, what product can we use to get rid of a whore fungus like you?

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Oh, if slapping your face were only legal...
#1 ATLANTIC RECORDS
It's bad enough that the Cash Me Outside fart licker had her 15 minutes of fame for being one of the dregs of humanity, but to have her infamy perpetuated by more attention!?!? GRRRRRR! This joke of a business is exactly what is wrong with the entire music industry. Instead of scouting TALENT and nurturing them so they can produce multiple hit albums for you, all the labels do is go for the low-lying fruit and easy money-grab. Thus, the birth of Bhad Bhabie, aka 14-year-old delinquent Danielle Bregoli, aka Cash Me Outside twat triscuit.  

Aton Ben Horin, Global Vice President of A&R at Warner Music Group said:

                             "Without a doubt, this girl is a real star with undeniable talent."


Judge for yourself. Here's the brilliant track "These Heaux" that's garnered over 27 million views. I pray to the Big Man that people are watching out of curiosity and a need to feel better about themselves. 
P.S. Ahmet Ertegun is rolling over in his grave right now. Since you don't know history, that was the founder of the label you're running into the ground. 

P. P. S. Hey, Horin: may the scurvy find your ball sack before Bhad does. Wait, that's probs how she got her record deal...

​PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

Naughty Girls Need Slapped, Too!

9/15/2017

 
Offenders for the week ending September 15, 2017:
Last week, it was the guys.... this week, the ladies take over!
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"Wanna play hide-the-Oscar-John-Mayer?"
#3 NICKI MINAJ
John Mayer started a Twitter flirtation with Nicki and she indulged him. 

John: "I spend an inordinate amount of time per day wondering if Nicki Minaj would like me or not."

Nicki: "Would my body be your wonderland?"

Gag. No, Nicki. NOOOOO! His Bang-Bang Shrimp list is long, like, Dead-Sea-Scrolls-long. Plus, you're dating Nas... and, you just rapped on Katy Perry's record, and Katy and John bumped uglies... my head is going to explode!

Look. He may be the C*ck Dujour, but that doesn't mean you have to partake! Quite "frank"ly, I'm surprised he even still has a ween. Seriously. I'm surprised it hasn't boycotted and left the scene of multiple crimes. But I digress. 

Everyone's had this mystery meat, so don't indulge, lest you get Mad "Rooster" disease...

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"I literally had no idea I just ripped my jacket open..."
#2 ARIEL WINTER
I totally get being proud of your body and rockin' whatev outfit gives your mojo a tongue kiss. But wearing a pair of shorts that exposes your womb? Nah... Areola had some grocery shopping to do the other day, so she donned her best belly shirt (sans bra), cowboy boots, and something she called a pair of denim shorts. Do ladies own cheek-revealing shorts? Sure. Do most of us wear them in public? Hellz no! Ariel took to Twitter to defend her couture: 

"I literally do not try and show my ass when I wear shorts... My ass just eats them up and then I don't notice."

What's that sound? The B.S. alert going off. You don't feel that breeze on the Swiss Ass? Can't hear the sounds of your muffled muff screaming for air? Girl, bye! 

Walmart called. They miss you.

To see the "too cheeky" shot, go here: http://people.com/style/ariel-winter-response-to-short-shorts-photo/

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"(singing) Crazzzy/I'm Crazzzzy for spewing my shizzzzz/Crazzzzzy..."
#1 KATE HUDSON
You're so cute-sy. And your movies are cute-sy. But then that's all ruined when you say something flippant and everyone loses their marbles. Well, rightfully so. See, Kate was filling out an innocent Cosmo mag questionnaire about various non-related topics. When she came across the question about the laziest thing she's ever done, she answered:

                                                                   "Have a C-Section!"

What was that? Who knows the context, but she sure stirred it up. I'm surprised the Internet didn't crash with all the angry mommas out there! I'm no doctor, but I do know that there is nothing lazy about a C-Section. Sure, you're not pushing for hours to deliver your baby, but-- it's a major surgery where your stomach is split open, your muscles are cut, body parts taken out, then packed back in when they're all done. And don't even mention the recovery time while trying to get the routine down with the new baby.

​Or perhaps, you just forgot all that? 


Methinks your laziest moment might've been the night you flopped on your back to conceive... cuz pretty girls don't need to work as hard, right? Wink Wink. 

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com
​

Bad Boys-- Whatcha Gonna Do?

9/8/2017

 
Offenders for the week ending September 8, 2017:
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"And that's how I got in trouble in the first place..."
#3 BRAD PITT
Hey-- Brad's sorry that he cheated on Jennifer Aniston with Angelina Jolie. Really, Captain Obvious?!?! Going through a bit of Hell, are we? Now that you're feeling the wrath of Angie, you now know what it's like to be treated like a piece of garbage. An insider claims Brad reached out to Jen earlier this week, but that doesn't mean he wants to re-insert himself into her life. 

                                                                       Good.

Rumor has it that Brad and Angie are going to give their relationship another try for the sake of the kids. Awesome. But y'all best check your issues before you proceed. Cuz if they ain't gone, they'll just resurface.

P.S. Do you feel like this is a bit of Karma coming back to bite your sack? 

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Exactly.
#2 JON GOSSELIN
While Kim Jong-un is a disgrace to the North Korean folk, Jon is certainly in the running to be the ruination of South Korean folk. This fat, lazy POS has no J.O.B. and now he wants OUR help to pay his $30,000 in court fees incurred during his battle with ex-albatross, Kate. So, his girlfriend has started a GoFundMe campaign which is hoping to play on the sympathies of us fine people:

"The family and friends of Jon Gosselin know the loving, caring, devoted father that he is, and they understand his desire to do what is best for his children... Jon works hard each day and most weekends, wanting nothing more than to spend quality time with his kids." 

Boo-effing-hoo! Then ask your damn peeps for a loan! His main complaint is that his ex makes all that reality/entertainment money, and he's struggling. Dude-- you used to be an engineer. AN ENGINEER! He had another engineering job once the Kate Plus 8 train derailed, but he left that job because of the pressure of being "known." So, dude tried to be club DJ and exotic dancer.

There is some charity involved here-- any extra money raised will go to a children's home in Pennsylvania. While that's cool and all, put your damn hand back in your damn pocket!

By the way, you're out of the Korean club, you fool!

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"Hey, Oz-- your conscience is calling..."
#1 OZZY OSBOURNE
Maybe Blizzard of Oz is referring to that thang in his pants? Which is a visual I'm sorry to have produced in your mind... Wife Sharon is opening up about his infidelities. Ozzy was making nice with his hairstylist AND many others:

                              "There wasn't just one woman, there were six of them." 

Vurp. And who were they?:

"Some f*cking Russian teenager, then a masseuse in England... our masseuse in L.A.-- and then, our cook."

Apparently, anyone that touches or feeds this toolbag might get some "bangers-and-mash." Sheesh. The cheating alone makes him an idiot, but this-- this makes him the King of Idiots:

"(We were sitting on the couch) he sends me this email. (I asked him) 'Why did you send me this stupid email?' Ozzy told me he hadn't sent me anything, I grabbed his phone and said 'Look!' And of course it was a message meant for one of his bloody women."

Oh, Ozzy. When you're trying to keep things on the D.L., double-check your "work." Or was your f*ck up your subconscious saying to you: "Stop being an idiot!"

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

    About The Slap

    I lovingly call out celebs for their naughty behavior. Sometimes a 'slap' is a needed wake-up call. ;)

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