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Two Balls & One Sack

11/1/2019

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​Offenders for the week ending November 1, 2019:

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#3 JUSTIN BIEBER
He still has fans. A lot of fans. He promised to release a new album if his Instagram post got some love:

           "If this gets 20 million likes Justin Bieber will release an album before Christmas."

Errr... did Justin refer to himself in third person? #douchemove

He's "recently had a burst of creativity" (lucky for us), but said he has no plans of touring cuz he did all that when he was a teenager and hated it. So...

How 'bout if this week's slap list gets a million "likes" you'll leave the U.S. for realzies...

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#2 ANDY COHEN & TERESA GIUDICE
The O.G. of Bravo TV got first dibs on interviewing Teresa and Joe Giudice-- the legal-embattled-marriage-is-sketchy couple from the Real Housewives of New Jersey. After serving his 41-month prison term for fraud, Joe was deported to Italy recently because he never became a U.S. citizen. Teresa has been on her own after serving her 15-month prison term. The two hadn't spoken in years. But then Andy stirred the pot. By recalling a prediction former castmate Caroline Manzo made many years ago: That someone (Joe) would be going away and that Teresa would divorce Joe and show her girls how to be strong. 

Slap for Teresa: for thinking and speaking out loud that you think Caroline ratted you out to the FBI because she (Caroline) has lived "that dark life". Whatever that means. Stop blaming others for your shizz. Own up to it. Even your probably-gonna-be-ex husband said he knows who ratted and it wasn't Caroline.

Slap for Andy: you should've defended Caroline. She's not a criminal. She's just a truth-preaching bulldog. Your lack of fruit bowl power won't help you woo her back to the franchise.

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#1 JIM EDMONDS
It wasn't surprising when news of the former baseballer and his Real Housewives of Orange County wifey announced their split. Watching their relationship on the show (when the were cast members) was painful. She was definitely his trophy wife who was struggling to co-parent his teen daughter. But she wanted babies of her own with Jim. He agreed, but wasn't around for her IVF treatments. All seemed a bit better when their first child was born, but then came the stories of his sexting other women and other dalliances while she was preggo with their twins. 

And now, Meghan accuses her Jim of extra-curricular play time with the nanny. But which one? They have four nannies and an live-in au pair. That's a lot to choose from...

It's hard to feel sorry for you Meghan. Not saying cheating is cool, cuz it's not. But dude has had two other wives? And he's on the road all the time for his job? And he's a former pro athlete? 

Now, Jim vows to make things right with Meghan because she's a wonderful woman. How will you make things right? You're incapable.

1 + 1 + 1 = his bat will be a swingin' for the honey fences whenever he gets the chance... And Jim, your on-the-road-former-star-status is not a Pootie Hall Pass.
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A Match Made in Hell

10/11/2019

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Offenders for the week ending October 11, 2019:

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#3 RONNIE ORTIZ-MAGRO
The Jersey Shore star and his girlfriend Jen Harley have been on-again-off-again, and it's best that these two keep the switch off. These two are the definition of toxic. So, props for trying to keep your family together (yes, they reproduced), but it's now time to part ways permanently. Ronnie was arrested after allegedly threatening Jen with a knife after they shared a kiss and made an appearance at his CBD launch party. 

"Suspect and victim were involved in some kind of physical altercation... Officers had to use a taser (on Ronnie)."

Dude has been in-and-out of rehab. And now he faces 5-7 years if convicted. I thought CBD was supposed to be calming... Oh, if it's not mixed with drugs that cause you to act like a complete asshat.

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#2 KHLOE KARDASHIAN
​Why? Why do you want to reconcile with that cheating douchebag ex of yours, Tristan Thompson?!? Yes, you have a daughter that you're trying to raise together. Kudos. But he's lower than a snake in the grass. He's a snake lookin' for ass 24/7!

"Tristan has showed more of an interest. He seems to want more than co-parent with Khloe. It seems Khloe has moments when she is toying with the idea of getting back with Tristan." 

You've forgotten he cheated on you with your sister's best friend?

Don't. Do. It. Because before you know it, his ball(s) will be in someone else's court...

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#1 JUSTIN BIEBER AND HAILEY BALDWIN
So, Justin has continued to proven his Christ-like ways and maturity... not! Once a spoiled  nut fungus always a spoiled nut fungus. His manager has been in a very public feud with Taylor Swift. Justin has publicly defended him. By taking shots at Taylor. True to form. But instead of keeping his mouth shut and moving on, he must now continue to take shots at Tay Tay.

Taylor posted a video of herself having a post-surgery meltdown. Whatevs. Justin decided to videotape himself mocking her. You can hear his wifey poo poo laughing while recording. Of course, Tay fans were not happy with this. A day later, Hailey apologized. But not really:

"I never knew I could make somebody so upset. Truly, I'm so sorry you're THIS upset!?! Lord have mercy I hope I'm never this upset about someone I don't know!!"

Uhmmm, fans are rabid about their people. Just as some will defend you two idiots. The point is, you two speak of "love" and "no hate", but you two are petty bottom feeders with a lot of money and zero class. 

These two taint hairs are meant for each other. Two soulmates in hell.
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Box Off

6/14/2019

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​Offenders for the week ending June 14, 2019:

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#3 TRISTAN THOMPSON
Not only is Tristan a no-good, trouser wanderer, but he's the king of double standards. The former flame and baby daddy of Khloe Kardashian allegedly paid his first baby momma more than $100,000 to not date other men-- even though he was already dating Khloe. Jordan Craig said the money was to keep her "on call", and that she used the funds to care for their son and to pay back loans to her mother and sister.

Tristan started cheating with Khloe right after he discovered Jordan was pregnant. Nice.

First of all, please use contraceptives. Second, can we stop living our lives like a Lifetime movie?

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#2 GWYNETH PALTROW
This wenchbag is just looney. She's married to Brad Falchuk, but they don't live together full time. Okay... I understand separate bedrooms for the snoring issue. I understand not living full time together when one person travels a lot for business. But the reason why these two don't live together is because they're a blended family. Brad has decided to keep his home to host his children from his first marriage when it's his week. Because this is a display of true unity and true step-parenting. Not! He has two kids, Gwynie has two. It's just easier to not try.

"I mean, sometimes that piece gets complicated when there are two teenage girls. If you're not all drinking the same Kool-Aid, it can be tough. I do think, though, at the end of the day, everyone wants the same thing, which is to feel love and and be accepted."

And nothing says "I love you" by not living together as a family. Sigh. Blending families is a challenge. But the way to handle that is to work through it.

​Why did you even get married?

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#1 JUSTIN BIEBER
Guess the Beebs felt he wasn't getting enough attention in the press, so let's generate some! Well, kudos for continually proving what a toolbag you truly are. For whatever reason, he decided to challenge Tom Cruise to an MMA match, saying the actor isn't that much of a badass like he is in the movies. So, he threw this down on Twitter:

"I wanna challenge Tom Cruise to a fight in the octagon. Tom if you don't take this fight your scared and you will never live it down. Who is willing to put on the fight? @danawhite?" 

For all his blabbing about what a "changed" person he is, he really isn't. He's supposed to have found God and is all zen, and is all married and matured. HA HA HA HA!

Still don't understand why he's picking on Maverick. As for questioning Tom's physical abilities, it's called acting. You know, where you pretend to be a character you're not. It's not like Tom is scaling buildings or fighting with skells. He's playing a role. Plus, this is just silly. What grown man would respond to some manchild's ultimatum? And, why are you messing with the poster boy of Scientology?

​They could disappear you. 

Wait. That would be a good thing. Please, keep challenging Tom. 
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Go Back to Canada

5/10/2019

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Offenders for the week ending May 10, 2019:

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#3 KATY PERRY
Ah, the Met Gala. That's wear all the famous people show up in costumes based on the year's theme for the event. An event I'll never be invited to because I have no fashion sense. Of course, it seems like a lot of famous people don't have fashion sense. But whatevs. While I appreciate Katy's fun persona, I found it ironic she decided that one of her "looks" of the evening would be a big burger costume. Outrageous wins, so maybe that was the goal. All I could think about was why a burger costume? There are way better costumes you could've chosen. But I guess what I find amazing about her choice is because of the irony. It's quite fitting because Katy has had a lot of "beef" in her history, so there's that.

P.S. I don't want to know what the special sauce is...

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#2 JOHN CENA AND NIKKI BELLA
Social media is truly reality TV. And it's the perfect outlet to post without thinking. John Cena and his ex-fiancee Nikki Bella are taking their fighter-ways out of the ring and into the Twittersphere. 

John tweeted: "Beware those who think you owe them happiness at the expense of your own well being."

To which Nikki tweeted: "When you don't give him what he wants, he will delete you, silence you, manipulate you, do what he can to destroy you, but turn that hurt into strength. Take the high road and prevail! Happiness can't be bought, it is priceless. It's your true secret weapon. N."

Nice try at trying to be vaguely classy. You both are just one "bye, bitch" comment from entering hot mess Mama June territory. Nobody wants that.

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#1 JUSTIN BIEBER
Isn't there a saying: "Douches of a feather flock together" or something like that. Our most loathsome Canadian import decided to verbally vomit on Insta to defend his bro, Chris Brown. Yeah, that Chris Brown. The woman beater.

"Everyone wants to wait til people die To give them the credit they deserve. I'm calling it now when CB passes away after a long full life, you will miss what you had in front of you the whole time... trust me watch you will see... the people who have over looked this mans talent because of a mistake he made... you need to reevaluate! Love you @chrisbrownofficial."

A mistake? You mean a repeated "mistake" of beating women. I can tell you I won't care when he drops off the planet. To me, he already has. Chris Brown had a potentially amazing legacy, being compared to Michael Jackson. But this is how life works: a pile of misdeeds overshadows talent. Especially since your douche-y friend is not apologetic nor sorry for his past "mistake". Just like you're not sorry for treating people like crap. Because you two are equally a jackhole. 

Where's a muzzle for this ingrown dick pimple?
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Windbag Beneath Our Wings

11/30/2018

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Offenders for the week ending November 30, 2018:

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#3 JUSTIN BIEBER
Perhaps he can be a Buddha for millennials after dropping this gem of wisdom:

                                                          "Love isn't always easy."

Duh. The internets were all a quivering because Justin and his new wife, Hailey Baldwin, spent their first Thanksgiving together. And it also marked the first time their families got together in one place. OMG! 

"Relationships are hard and love isn't always easy but thank you Jesus for showing me how! Every day is a learning process, trying to be more like him, patient, kind, selfless, boy I got a long way! But gods grace is sufficient!"

I'm hoping this spiritual/zen Beebs sticks. You can't be a hot mess you're whole life, right? You're welcome for the preventative slap.

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​#2 VICKI GUNVALSON, Real Housewives of Orange County cast member
She likes to call herself the O.G. of the O.C. because she's been on the show for its duration. Awesome! But this aging attention-whore is expert at storytelling-- damaging storytelling. Her latest victim: fellow cast member Kelly Dodd. For whatever reason during the show's reunion episode, she decided to spill some tea-- claiming that Kelly does cocaine. That went over like a lead balloon. Kelly wants Vicki gone.

"If they don't so something to Vicki how could I go back... They are running that show to the ground and hurting people's reputation and my brand!!"

Vicki, who likes to flaunt her wealth, should watch her ass. Especially if Kelly sues for slander. Vicki has spread rumors in the past about other friends on the show: Tamra's husband is gay; Shannon was beaten by her ex-husband; so-and-so's marriage is miserable, etc...

Yes, stirring up the shizz makes for good reality TV, but if you're hurling up lies, then you're damaging someone's life. We're going to change your name to Icky Fullofshit.

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#1 BETTE MIDLER
This is why I hate the entertainment business, especially the "powerful" women in the business. They preach supporting women, and uplifting fellow ovarians, and helping females get ahead... blah, blah, blah. It's bullshit, quite honestly. Hollywood women only support other women if they have the same viewpoint. If you don't, then we're going to eviscerate you in the most brutal way. We're going to say the most vile things about you publicly, then turn around and talk about how we love women! 

The Meddler hates our President. I understand many people loathe him. So it makes it acceptable to loathe his wife, the First Lady, and his family. You know, guilt by association. I love how the FLOTUS is denounced for being beautiful and for having a successful career as a model. Yes, she has done many a sexy photo shoot. If I had her looks and her body, you'd bet I'd capitalize on all that while I could. But Bette ain't having it. After tweeting a photo from 2000 of Melania Trump wearing a sexy bikini while posing in an airplane cockpit, she wrote:

                  "The dry cleaning bill for the upholstery on Air Force One must be insane." 

With the hashtag: #FLOTITS

Her own fans called her out for her venom. I recall a time in Miss AssHat's career where she was known for shaking her LOW-TITS and flab ass. When Hollywood-types open their mouths, they show how stupid they really are. Which is why politicians love them-- because they'll spread any ol' pile of lies like a good soldier.

Bette, please, find some good hormone-balancing meds and get fitted for a mouth muffler. Thanks.
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What Brown Can't Do For You

7/13/2018

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​Offenders for the week ending July 13, 2018:

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#3 DEMI LOVATO
Girl, this is a wake-up slap. You've had your shizz together for a while now, but it's time to get off the crazy train. 

Last month she severed ties with her rehab peeps, CAST Recovery. Her contract stipulated that she obviously had to remain sober or be let go. Now, she's fired her manager mid-tour:

"She wanted to go in a different direction, and decided to completely sever ties with him... she is focused on surrounding herself with positivity and accountability." 

Hope this is the truth... because addicts are usually liars to themselves and everyone around them. Did your manager call you out on some bad behavior that you're in denial about? 

I'll give you a seatbelt to keep you on that wagon.

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#2 JUSTIN BIEBER
I'm a gal who loves love. But I don't think it's wrong to start taking bets on how long Justin and Hailey Baldwin will be married for-- that is, if they actually make that trip down the aisle. Because they've been on-again-off-again throughout their relationship history.

Justin proposed during dinner at a Bahamian restaurant. Awwww! His daddy is so happy for his boy. He tweeted:

                 "@justinbeiber Proud is an understatement! Excited for the next chapter!"

Sure Justin has matured. He went to church and stuff and doesn't browbeat and humiliate his women anymore! Whatever. I'm confused though. You told your ex, Selena Gomez, you loved her last month-- and now you're engaged. And recently, your fiancee said you two are better as friends-- and you still proposed?

If you do tie the knot, please do not reproduce for a long while. We have enough hot messes on this planet. 

"Baby/Baby/Baby/Nooooooo!"

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#1 CHRIS BROWN
Doesn't this set of dildo lips have as many arrests now as he's had hit songs?

There was a warrant out for his arrest. And it happened in Miami recently. He's accused of punching a photographer during a club appearance. I'm sorry, but you're still a popular artist (why, I don't know.) People are going to take your picture. In fact, that's what you want them to do. You know, for publicity and stuff. 

Let's run down sperm rag's rap sheet:

1. 2009: Beating up Rihanna

2.  2016: Pointing a gun (allegedly) at a lady friend admiring your jewelry at your home.

3. 2017: Punching that photog (allegedly) in da club.

4.  2018: A woman was raped (allegedly) by two of your friends during a party at your home.

5. 2018: A woman granted a restraining order against your lame ass after you punched her.

At least you had a nice little seven-year stint of minimal douchebaggery. But you can't deny what you are genetically-- a waste. Would love to see you fight mano-a-mano with someone equally matched. Or better yet-- just stop breathing. Problem solved. 
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We Three Weens...

7/28/2017

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Offenders for the week ending July 28, 2017:
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"Be healed!"
​#3 JUSTIN BIEBER
This is a left cheek-right cheek double-slappy. 

First, Beebs has cancelled the rest of his tour. Guess it's too difficult for him to muster up the strength to finish his last 14 shows. By the way, he only does ONE show per week. Exhausting. I get it. This young fella has been recording and performing almost non-stop since he was discovered. There have been stories of him crying, begging his handlers to let him sleep. Finish what you start! What about the other performers on your tour that don't make as much as you and depend on a paycheck. Are you paying them for your flake out? 

Second, Beebs cancelled because he wants to get back in touch with his spirituality and because he's planning on starting his own church. Yes. His. Own. Church. I respect his desire to get back to the New Testament. He was raised in church, and having a strong foundation is good. But... starting a church? So. Many. Questions. Is he going to preach? What would be call him? The Reverend Beebs? Will his followers then truly be "Belibers?" 

The worship music would be interesting, though...
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"My milkshake brings all the hoes to the yard..."
#2 KEVIN HART
Just call him: Daddy Cheater. While his wife is preggo, Kevin's makin' nice with some trampola. Mr. Funnyman was caught canoodling inside his luxury ride with a hot brunette outside a Miami hotel. Of course, he's trying to play it off like it's social media's fault. Haters gonna hate, right? It has nothing to do with your track record of cheating... See, Kevin got divorced the first time because he was cheating on her with the woman that would become Wife #2 and the mother of his children. Methinks this is just a bit of karma coming back around to all the players involved:

                                        "He who cheats with you will cheat ON you."

Not only is cheating repulsive, but cheating while your wife is carrying your child is, like, 100 times worse. 

Pro tip: Cars have windows. No matter what time of day or night, or how discreet you think you are-- WE CAN SEE YOU!
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"Hey, Boo boo. I'm tossin' somethin' itchy ur way..."
#1 USHER
Ur-sher is making 'em blister. Gag. I used to find you lovable. We all felt compassion for you when you publicly admitted years ago that your philandering ways made TLC's Chili break it off with you. Then, you married that hideous lecherous She-Ra and had a child with her-- and we wanted you to open your eyes to her true ways. You did. But you need to stop opening your fly. For. Realz. A woman is suing him for $10 million dollars in an "unprotected sex" suit. Because girlfriend alleges she was exposed to herpes because of him. She claims the two engaged in heavy petting, she decided to play the "skin flute," then that led to full-on muffin-meets-fruit bowl time-- with protection. But 12 days later, the two rendezvoused again, sans raincoat... and... she's not infected, yet.

What? See, she's concerned because she learned via news reports that Oozer admitted to having Herpes Simplex 2. And she never would've gone to Pleasure Town with him had she known this in advance. Plus, he previously paid a woman $1.1 million for infecting her. 

Usher, is this "Confessions Part 3"? I'm about to slap you after I put this hazmat suit on...
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MMMStop!

6/23/2017

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Offenders for the week ending June 23, 2017:
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"Me? Fake a storyline?"
#3 KENYA MOORE
The Real Housewives of Atlanta star finally snagged a man in her vagus flytrap and convinced him to marry her. In a surprise move, the former Miss USA shared a sly picture on the Instagram of her wedding day. This all a shock to Matt Jordan-- the dude she was dating all of last season on the show. So that means, Mizz Desperation was seeing her victim while with Matt. Naughty. And he found out about the whole thing online:

"The false allegations of domestic violence, the unwarranted restraining order, the loss of business opportunities, money... I can deal with that. Losing my queen is a blow I never want to feel."

Sad. But you need slapped, too. You're free! Anywho, methinks this marriage is all for show. Like, the TV show-- because K-Whore knows she needs a story line to stay relevant on the show-- even though a friend claims she wants to keep things private. HA!  I'm sure the two of you will continue your faux love story with a baby on the way, too. Thanks for adding to the joke that marriage is for some people.

America!
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"Happy Mather's Day to meeeeeee!"
#2 CAITLYN JENNER
I don't have much to say here but this: now that you're completely a fembot, you need to stop celebrating Father's Day. Yes, back-in-the-day when you were BRUCE you fathered the childrens. So technically, you're Dad. But if you want to continue to be identified by your new identity, and you want us to as well-- then be Caitlyn. And Caitlyn only!

Grrrrrrrrr! 
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"Itchy ear herpes..."
#1 HANSON
Ring the bell! It's Hanson vs. Justin Bieber! During a recent radio interview in Australia, the boys took a shot at Beebs-- who by the way-- is not Australia-friendly-- while playing a game trying to guess a song. Well, "Despacito" played and they had no idea who was singing. It was The Bieber. And then, things took quite the turn. The bros Hanson compared Bieber's songs to STDs. Yup. 

"I prefer not to get any venereal diseases, so whenever Justin Bieber gets near me or near my ears, it's just ear infections. His songs are terrible."

Daaaaaamn! Who knew these sweet boys could grow up to throw such epic shade! But... it is my duty to call you out. The song you're most known for, that little ditty called "MMMBop"? Well, you're responsible for infecting all of us with the musical version of herpes... which is something that will never go away. 

I have to slap you for your rudeness, but I love your comparison. Maybe a light tap will do... LOL 
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GIF www.giphy.com
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You've Embarrassed Theo...

7/10/2015

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Offenders for the week of July 6, 2015:
This week's our Slappees get their "just deserts" of the sweet variety...
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"Lookie here at my girly muscles!"
#3 JUSTIN BIEBER 
OFFENSE: Icky
Since he really doesn't have a career, why not go on vacay and run around naked? Well, that's all fine-- but we don't need to see your bare, naked ass-- ever! Plus, it's no David Beckham backside! (Meow!) Beebs is livin'-it-up with his bros in Bora Bora, and one of them snapped a tushie pic. Whatevs. Hope you've wisely invested that fortune you amassed off of horrible music. But I digress... Maybe Beebs is trying to get work. Perhaps these pics are his audition for a Coppertone commercial, or a Johnson & Johnson baby wipes gig... Either way, keep that Pale Moon Risin' covered!

Your dessert: A bowl of Tapioca... to match that ass jiggle.
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"Maybe they'll let me lick a cream stick in France?"
#2 ARIANA GRANDE
OFFENSE: Disgusting traitor
The pop star got a hankerin' for some doughnuts, so she decided to go get some. While she was at the bakery, she was caught on video licking and spitting on the doughnuts, and declaring her hate for America/Americans. Classy. Oh, and to make matters worse-- the staff didn't see her spit on the doughnuts, so they were served to unsuspecting customers. Gross! Areola and her equally repulsive male friend were having a blast destroying the baked goods and behaving like complete douchebags. 

Once Airheadia discovered she was caught on video, she tried to explain her actions:

"What I said in a private moment with my friend, who was buying the donuts, was taken out of context and I am sorry for not using more discretion with my choice of words. As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society as a whole."

What does that have to do with spitting on doughnuts or declaring your hatred of America-- you know, that country that's allowed you to be a self-entitled, spoiled ass berry?


Hey, Bimbette-- you were born here; which makes you an American that you hate so much!

Here's a thought: Hate America so much? GET. THE. F*CK. OUT. 

Your dessert: A Banana Phlegm-be... since you're no stranger to "bananas" and you like to hock on things. 
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"I've got THE drink recipe for you..."
#1 BILL COSBY 
OFFENSE: Damned, filthy liar!
I'm not sure I can find the words for this, but I'll try my best... Guess who admitted in a 2005 deposition that he obtained Quaaludes and other sedatives to give to women for sex? Yup. America's favorite TV dad. The same guy who claimed those who would dare accuse him of such awful things are racists and liars. 


Look in the mirror lately? How do you live with yourself?

And FYI, you're no man. Apparently you don't have the skills or any redeeming qualities for a woman to want to be intimate with you. It takes a pathetic, deviant loser to drug a woman and rape her. Cuz why have a woman want to want you? And please, don't even dare to say you have some kind of "addiction". The only addiction you have is that chronic behavior of acting like a scumbag.

And to Mrs. Bill Crotchby-- you're just as culpable and just as disgusting for lying for this insufferable piece of shit. How do you lay down at night with this rapist? Hand back your ovaries, you're out of the club!

I guess I was able to find my words afterall...

Your dessert: Spotted Dick. No explanation needed...
PHOTO CREDIT:
Justin Bieber https://www.flickr.com/photos/joebielawa/
Ariana Grande https://www.flickr.com/photos/98388875@N03/
Bill Cosby https://www.flickr.com/photos/wacphiladelphia/
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A "Pocket" Tiger On The Prowl...

5/15/2015

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Offenders for the week of May 11, 2015:

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"My girlie heart needs love..."
#3 JUSTIN BIEBER
OFFENSE: Sad sack
Boo-hoo-ing in an interview with Seventeen Magazine, our least-favorite Canadian refuses to go away. Refuses. But he's on a mission-- to change his image and to apologize for his past misdeeds. Beebler said:

"I was rebelling a little bit. I was getting cockier and cockier. I didn’t have people to check me. I looked back and I was disappointed in myself."

Disappointed? You should've had your ass kicked! His naughty behavior has included: a DUI, egging a neighbor's home, peeing in a restaurant mop bucket, and being charged with assaulting a Toronto limo driver. 

Then, he laments about how painful it is searching for a good woman. He wants to find someone who's pretty, honest... someone he can just talk to. Sigh... didn't you have that with Selena? The woman you didn't cherish, but instead humiliated by calling fat and ugly and stupid in front of your entourage? 

Whatevs. At least you already have the girl part-- by looking in the mirror, but the attractive and honest? One needs to possess those qualities to attract them. At your rate, well, I wouldn't hold your breath. Kindly zip your girlie lips and shoo!

Confucius Say: Wimps and wusses don't get pusses.
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"Don't touch my balls!"
#2 TOM BRADY
OFFENSE: Fibster
He's ballin' over his ballin'. The NFL has suspend him for being "at least generally aware" that his team won the AFC Championship game by playing with deflated balls. He's been suspended without pay from the first four games of the upcoming season.

And he's so sad that he's gonna be out $2 million. I bet Giselle is gonna beat him-- since she had no comment about the scandal. Perhaps if she'd let Tom have his "footballs" back more often, he wouldn't be so obsessed with them. The saying goes that "Cheaters never prosper". But you've managed somehow. Maybe the shame of having an asterisk next to your championships, as well as the continuing questioning from us real folk will make you squirm... at least a little. 

I think we should rename you "Tommy Tomfoolery".

Confucius Say: Live by soft balls, die blind with carpel tunnel.
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"Hee, hee, some trollop touched my shaft... a lot...."
#1 TIGER WOODS
OFFENSE: Ri-dick-ulous
Tiger fell off the monogamy wagon and into the poon pool again. That's the real reason he split with Lindsey Vonn. At least he admitted to it this time around. Maybe another stint in rehab will help? How about vowing to not get involved in any relationship ever again? Or maybe you need to hire a handler for your club? Nevermind. You spend thousands per pop for someone to handle your club. 

Are we really surprised? Perhaps this is Tiger's strategy to improve his game-- which hasn't been the same since his down-low dalliances surfaced years ago. 

Regardless, a leopard may be able to change its spots-- but a Tiger is another thing all together... 

Confucius Say: Wang that wanders often may fall off the vine.
PHOTO CREDIT:
Justin Bieber: https://www.flickr.com/photos/joebielawa/
Tom Brady: https://www.flickr.com/photos/keithallison/
Tiger Woods: https://www.flickr.com/photos/keithallison/
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    About The Slap

    I lovingly call out celebs for their naughty behavior. Sometimes a 'slap' is a needed wake-up call. ;)

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