Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

Windbag Beneath Our Wings

11/30/2018

Offenders for the week ending November 30, 2018:

#3 JUSTIN BIEBER

Perhaps he can be a Buddha for millennials after dropping this gem of wisdom:

"Love isn't always easy."

Duh. The internets were all a quivering because Justin and his new wife, Hailey Baldwin, spent their first Thanksgiving together. And it also marked the first time their families got together in one place. OMG!

"Relationships are hard and love isn't always easy but thank you Jesus for showing me how! Every day is a learning process, trying to be more like him, patient, kind, selfless, boy I got a long way! But gods grace is sufficient!"

I'm hoping this spiritual/zen Beebs sticks. You can't be a hot mess you're whole life, right? You're welcome for the preventative slap.

via GIPHY

#2 VICKI GUNVALSON, Real Housewives of Orange County cast member

She likes to call herself the O.G. of the O.C. because she's been on the show for its duration. Awesome! But this aging attention-whore is expert at storytelling-- damaging storytelling. Her latest victim: fellow cast member Kelly Dodd. For whatever reason during the show's reunion episode, she decided to spill some tea-- claiming that Kelly does cocaine. That went over like a lead balloon. Kelly wants Vicki gone.

"If they don't so something to Vicki how could I go back... They are running that show to the ground and hurting people's reputation and my brand!!"

Vicki, who likes to flaunt her wealth, should watch her ass. Especially if Kelly sues for slander. Vicki has spread rumors in the past about other friends on the show: Tamra's husband is gay; Shannon was beaten by her ex-husband; so-and-so's marriage is miserable, etc...

Yes, stirring up the shizz makes for good reality TV, but if you're hurling up lies, then you're damaging someone's life. We're going to change your name to Icky Fullofshit.

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#1 BETTE MIDLER

This is why I hate the entertainment business, especially the "powerful" women in the business. They preach supporting women, and uplifting fellow ovarians, and helping females get ahead... blah, blah, blah. It's bullshit, quite honestly. Hollywood women only support other women if they have the same viewpoint. If you don't, then we're going to eviscerate you in the most brutal way. We're going to say the most vile things about you publicly, then turn around and talk about how we love women!

The Meddler hates our President. I understand many people loathe him. So it makes it acceptable to loathe his wife, the First Lady, and his family. You know, guilt by association. I love how the FLOTUS is denounced for being beautiful and for having a successful career as a model. Yes, she has done many a sexy photo shoot. If I had her looks and her body, you'd bet I'd capitalize on all that while I could. But Bette ain't having it. After tweeting a photo from 2000 of Melania Trump wearing a sexy bikini while posing in an airplane cockpit, she wrote:

"The dry cleaning bill for the upholstery on Air Force One must be insane."

With the hashtag: #FLOTITS

Her own fans called her out for her venom. I recall a time in Miss AssHat's career where she was known for shaking her LOW-TITS and flab ass. When Hollywood-types open their mouths, they show how stupid they really are. Which is why politicians love them-- because they'll spread any ol' pile of lies like a good soldier.

Bette, please, find some good hormone-balancing meds and get fitted for a mouth muffler. Thanks.

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What Brown Can't Do For You

7/13/2018

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Offenders for the week ending July 13, 2018:

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#3 DEMI LOVATO

Girl, this is a wake-up slap. You've had your shizz together for a while now, but it's time to get off the crazy train.

Last month she severed ties with her rehab peeps, CAST Recovery. Her contract stipulated that she obviously had to remain sober or be let go. Now, she's fired her manager mid-tour:

"She wanted to go in a different direction, and decided to completely sever ties with him... she is focused on surrounding herself with positivity and accountability."

Hope this is the truth... because addicts are usually liars to themselves and everyone around them. Did your manager call you out on some bad behavior that you're in denial about?

I'll give you a seatbelt to keep you on that wagon.

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#2 JUSTIN BIEBER

I'm a gal who loves love. But I don't think it's wrong to start taking bets on how long Justin and Hailey Baldwin will be married for-- that is, if they actually make that trip down the aisle. Because they've been on-again-off-again throughout their relationship history.

Justin proposed during dinner at a Bahamian restaurant. Awwww! His daddy is so happy for his boy. He tweeted:

"@justinbeiber Proud is an understatement! Excited for the next chapter!"

Sure Justin has matured. He went to church and stuff and doesn't browbeat and humiliate his women anymore! Whatever. I'm confused though. You told your ex, Selena Gomez, you loved her last month-- and now you're engaged. And recently, your fiancee said you two are better as friends-- and you still proposed?

If you do tie the knot, please do not reproduce for a long while. We have enough hot messes on this planet.

"Baby/Baby/Baby/Nooooooo!"

via GIPHY

#1 CHRIS BROWN

Doesn't this set of dildo lips have as many arrests now as he's had hit songs?

There was a warrant out for his arrest. And it happened in Miami recently. He's accused of punching a photographer during a club appearance. I'm sorry, but you're still a popular artist (why, I don't know.) People are going to take your picture. In fact, that's what you want them to do. You know, for publicity and stuff.

Let's run down sperm rag's rap sheet:

1. 2009: Beating up Rihanna

2. 2016: Pointing a gun (allegedly) at a lady friend admiring your jewelry at your home.

3. 2017: Punching that photog (allegedly) in da club.

4. 2018: A woman was raped (allegedly) by two of your friends during a party at your home.

5. 2018: A woman granted a restraining order against your lame ass after you punched her.

At least you had a nice little seven-year stint of minimal douchebaggery. But you can't deny what you are genetically-- a waste. Would love to see you fight mano-a-mano with someone equally matched. Or better yet-- just stop breathing. Problem solved.

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We Three Weens...

7/28/2017

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Offenders for the week ending July 28, 2017:

"Be healed!"

#3 JUSTIN BIEBER

This is a left cheek-right cheek double-slappy.

First, Beebs has cancelled the rest of his tour. Guess it's too difficult for him to muster up the strength to finish his last 14 shows. By the way, he only does ONE show per week. Exhausting. I get it. This young fella has been recording and performing almost non-stop since he was discovered. There have been stories of him crying, begging his handlers to let him sleep. Finish what you start! What about the other performers on your tour that don't make as much as you and depend on a paycheck. Are you paying them for your flake out?

Second, Beebs cancelled because he wants to get back in touch with his spirituality and because he's planning on starting his own church. Yes. His. Own. Church. I respect his desire to get back to the New Testament. He was raised in church, and having a strong foundation is good. But... starting a church? So. Many. Questions. Is he going to preach? What would be call him? The Reverend Beebs? Will his followers then truly be "Belibers?"

The worship music would be interesting, though...

"My milkshake brings all the hoes to the yard..."

#2 KEVIN HART

Just call him: Daddy Cheater. While his wife is preggo, Kevin's makin' nice with some trampola. Mr. Funnyman was caught canoodling inside his luxury ride with a hot brunette outside a Miami hotel. Of course, he's trying to play it off like it's social media's fault. Haters gonna hate, right? It has nothing to do with your track record of cheating... See, Kevin got divorced the first time because he was cheating on her with the woman that would become Wife #2 and the mother of his children. Methinks this is just a bit of karma coming back around to all the players involved:

"He who cheats with you will cheat ON you."

Not only is cheating repulsive, but cheating while your wife is carrying your child is, like, 100 times worse.

Pro tip: Cars have windows. No matter what time of day or night, or how discreet you think you are-- WE CAN SEE YOU!

"Hey, Boo boo. I'm tossin' somethin' itchy ur way..."

#1 USHER

Ur-sher is making 'em blister. Gag. I used to find you lovable. We all felt compassion for you when you publicly admitted years ago that your philandering ways made TLC's Chili break it off with you. Then, you married that hideous lecherous She-Ra and had a child with her-- and we wanted you to open your eyes to her true ways. You did. But you need to stop opening your fly. For. Realz. A woman is suing him for $10 million dollars in an "unprotected sex" suit. Because girlfriend alleges she was exposed to herpes because of him. She claims the two engaged in heavy petting, she decided to play the "skin flute," then that led to full-on muffin-meets-fruit bowl time-- with protection. But 12 days later, the two rendezvoused again, sans raincoat... and... she's not infected, yet.

What? See, she's concerned because she learned via news reports that Oozer admitted to having Herpes Simplex 2. And she never would've gone to Pleasure Town with him had she known this in advance. Plus, he previously paid a woman $1.1 million for infecting her.

Usher, is this "Confessions Part 3"? I'm about to slap you after I put this hazmat suit on...

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

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MMMStop!

6/23/2017

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Offenders for the week ending June 23, 2017:

"Me? Fake a storyline?"

#3 KENYA MOORE

The Real Housewives of Atlanta star finally snagged a man in her vagus flytrap and convinced him to marry her. In a surprise move, the former Miss USA shared a sly picture on the Instagram of her wedding day. This all a shock to Matt Jordan-- the dude she was dating all of last season on the show. So that means, Mizz Desperation was seeing her victim while with Matt. Naughty. And he found out about the whole thing online:

"The false allegations of domestic violence, the unwarranted restraining order, the loss of business opportunities, money... I can deal with that. Losing my queen is a blow I never want to feel."

Sad. But you need slapped, too. You're free! Anywho, methinks this marriage is all for show. Like, the TV show-- because K-Whore knows she needs a story line to stay relevant on the show-- even though a friend claims she wants to keep things private. HA! I'm sure the two of you will continue your faux love story with a baby on the way, too. Thanks for adding to the joke that marriage is for some people.

America!

"Happy Mather's Day to meeeeeee!"

#2 CAITLYN JENNER

I don't have much to say here but this: now that you're completely a fembot, you need to stop celebrating Father's Day. Yes, back-in-the-day when you were BRUCE you fathered the childrens. So technically, you're Dad. But if you want to continue to be identified by your new identity, and you want us to as well-- then be Caitlyn. And Caitlyn only!

Grrrrrrrrr!

"Itchy ear herpes..."

#1 HANSON

Ring the bell! It's Hanson vs. Justin Bieber! During a recent radio interview in Australia, the boys took a shot at Beebs-- who by the way-- is not Australia-friendly-- while playing a game trying to guess a song. Well, "Despacito" played and they had no idea who was singing. It was The Bieber. And then, things took quite the turn. The bros Hanson compared Bieber's songs to STDs. Yup.

"I prefer not to get any venereal diseases, so whenever Justin Bieber gets near me or near my ears, it's just ear infections. His songs are terrible."

Daaaaaamn! Who knew these sweet boys could grow up to throw such epic shade! But... it is my duty to call you out. The song you're most known for, that little ditty called "MMMBop"? Well, you're responsible for infecting all of us with the musical version of herpes... which is something that will never go away.

I have to slap you for your rudeness, but I love your comparison. Maybe a light tap will do... LOL

PHOTO CREDIT:
GIF www.giphy.com

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You've Embarrassed Theo...

7/10/2015

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Offenders for the week of July 6, 2015:

This week's our Slappees get their "just deserts" of the sweet variety...

"Lookie here at my girly muscles!"

#3 JUSTIN BIEBER
OFFENSE: Icky
Since he really doesn't have a career, why not go on vacay and run around naked? Well, that's all fine-- but we don't need to see your bare, naked ass-- ever! Plus, it's no David Beckham backside! (Meow!) Beebs is livin'-it-up with his bros in Bora Bora, and one of them snapped a tushie pic. Whatevs. Hope you've wisely invested that fortune you amassed off of horrible music. But I digress... Maybe Beebs is trying to get work. Perhaps these pics are his audition for a Coppertone commercial, or a Johnson & Johnson baby wipes gig... Either way, keep that Pale Moon Risin' covered!

Your dessert: A bowl of Tapioca... to match that ass jiggle.

"Maybe they'll let me lick a cream stick in France?"

#2 ARIANA GRANDE
OFFENSE: Disgusting traitor
The pop star got a hankerin' for some doughnuts, so she decided to go get some. While she was at the bakery, she was caught on video licking and spitting on the doughnuts, and declaring her hate for America/Americans. Classy. Oh, and to make matters worse-- the staff didn't see her spit on the doughnuts, so they were served to unsuspecting customers. Gross! Areola and her equally repulsive male friend were having a blast destroying the baked goods and behaving like complete douchebags.

Once Airheadia discovered she was caught on video, she tried to explain her actions:

"What I said in a private moment with my friend, who was buying the donuts, was taken out of context and I am sorry for not using more discretion with my choice of words. As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society as a whole."

What does that have to do with spitting on doughnuts or declaring your hatred of America-- you know, that country that's allowed you to be a self-entitled, spoiled ass berry?

Hey, Bimbette-- you were born here; which makes you an American that you hate so much!

Here's a thought: Hate America so much? GET. THE. F*CK. OUT.

Your dessert: A Banana Phlegm-be... since you're no stranger to "bananas" and you like to hock on things.

"I've got THE drink recipe for you..."

#1 BILL COSBY
OFFENSE: Damned, filthy liar!
I'm not sure I can find the words for this, but I'll try my best... Guess who admitted in a 2005 deposition that he obtained Quaaludes and other sedatives to give to women for sex? Yup. America's favorite TV dad. The same guy who claimed those who would dare accuse him of such awful things are racists and liars.

Look in the mirror lately? How do you live with yourself?

And FYI, you're no man. Apparently you don't have the skills or any redeeming qualities for a woman to want to be intimate with you. It takes a pathetic, deviant loser to drug a woman and rape her. Cuz why have a woman want to want you? And please, don't even dare to say you have some kind of "addiction". The only addiction you have is that chronic behavior of acting like a scumbag.

And to Mrs. Bill Crotchby-- you're just as culpable and just as disgusting for lying for this insufferable piece of shit. How do you lay down at night with this rapist? Hand back your ovaries, you're out of the club!

I guess I was able to find my words afterall...

Your dessert: Spotted Dick. No explanation needed...

PHOTO CREDIT:
Justin Bieber https://www.flickr.com/photos/joebielawa/
Ariana Grande https://www.flickr.com/photos/98388875@N03/
Bill Cosby https://www.flickr.com/photos/wacphiladelphia/

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A "Pocket" Tiger On The Prowl...

5/15/2015

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Offenders for the week of May 11, 2015:

"My girlie heart needs love..."

#3 JUSTIN BIEBER
OFFENSE: Sad sack
Boo-hoo-ing in an interview with Seventeen Magazine, our least-favorite Canadian refuses to go away. Refuses. But he's on a mission-- to change his image and to apologize for his past misdeeds. Beebler said:

"I was rebelling a little bit. I was getting cockier and cockier. I didn’t have people to check me. I looked back and I was disappointed in myself."

Disappointed? You should've had your ass kicked! His naughty behavior has included: a DUI, egging a neighbor's home, peeing in a restaurant mop bucket, and being charged with assaulting a Toronto limo driver.

Then, he laments about how painful it is searching for a good woman. He wants to find someone who's pretty, honest... someone he can just talk to. Sigh... didn't you have that with Selena? The woman you didn't cherish, but instead humiliated by calling fat and ugly and stupid in front of your entourage?

Whatevs. At least you already have the girl part-- by looking in the mirror, but the attractive and honest? One needs to possess those qualities to attract them. At your rate, well, I wouldn't hold your breath. Kindly zip your girlie lips and shoo!

Confucius Say: Wimps and wusses don't get pusses.

"Don't touch my balls!"

#2 TOM BRADY
OFFENSE: Fibster
He's ballin' over his ballin'. The NFL has suspend him for being "at least generally aware" that his team won the AFC Championship game by playing with deflated balls. He's been suspended without pay from the first four games of the upcoming season.

And he's so sad that he's gonna be out $2 million. I bet Giselle is gonna beat him-- since she had no comment about the scandal. Perhaps if she'd let Tom have his "footballs" back more often, he wouldn't be so obsessed with them. The saying goes that "Cheaters never prosper". But you've managed somehow. Maybe the shame of having an asterisk next to your championships, as well as the continuing questioning from us real folk will make you squirm... at least a little.

I think we should rename you "Tommy Tomfoolery".

Confucius Say: Live by soft balls, die blind with carpel tunnel.

"Hee, hee, some trollop touched my shaft... a lot...."

#1 TIGER WOODS
OFFENSE: Ri-dick-ulous
Tiger fell off the monogamy wagon and into the poon pool again. That's the real reason he split with Lindsey Vonn. At least he admitted to it this time around. Maybe another stint in rehab will help? How about vowing to not get involved in any relationship ever again? Or maybe you need to hire a handler for your club? Nevermind. You spend thousands per pop for someone to handle your club.

Are we really surprised? Perhaps this is Tiger's strategy to improve his game-- which hasn't been the same since his down-low dalliances surfaced years ago.

Regardless, a leopard may be able to change its spots-- but a Tiger is another thing all together...

Confucius Say: Wang that wanders often may fall off the vine.

PHOTO CREDIT:
Justin Bieber: https://www.flickr.com/photos/joebielawa/
Tom Brady: https://www.flickr.com/photos/keithallison/
Tiger Woods: https://www.flickr.com/photos/keithallison/

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Sisterhood of Simpletons...

1/16/2015

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Offenders for the week of January 12, 2015:

#3 JUSTIN BIEBER
OFFENSE: Dick-ish
The Dweebs had a chance encounter with Keith Richards while in the Turks & Caicos. Keith asked Justin: "Who the f&ck are you?" with Justin responding: "Who the f&ck are you!?!" Yeah. Our favorite eunuch had no idea who Keith Richards was/is. (Is he going to be thanked for discovering fresh, new talent like Kayne did? LOL) Keith & Justin proceed to imbibe, with Keith calling Beebs a "wannabee". Burrrrrn! He speaks the truth. Justin desperately wants to be a relevant male. Sadly, this sack pimple isn't worthy of carrying Keith's soiled undies after a bender. Maybe we'll get lucky and Keith will drunkenly mistake Justin for a joint and smoke him. Puff, puff, poof-- he's gone!

#2 MILEY CYRUS
OFFENSE: Public-restroom-floor-dirty
Cyrus the Virus is baaaack! And, she's nekkid! YAWN... In some spread (which she's used to doing) for some magazine, she snapped a series of "risque" photos. You done been there and done that. Your next predictable step is to star in some beastiality porn. Wait. You've probably already rode your daddy. Look. There is nothing original or awesome about you. A better class of skanks can be found at the local Hot Tub Club. You're just a petri dish of ick.
P.S. Is it me, or does she look like a naked Justin Bieber?

#1 GWYNETH PALTROW
OFFENSE: Pretentious, obnoxious, bitch-ious
She spends 21-grand a year on beauty regimes (a ripoff) and now, she's doling out advice on where to vacation on her GOOP website, places that are "just as fab as she is". Vomit. Just like her fashion advice, beauty advice, and vacation advice-- the average woman (which she claims to be) can't afford any of this... stuff! You know what? I'd like to tell you where to go. It's a place where your 21-grand beauty regime won't matter, because your bullsh*t face will melt off. (pause for deep breath) I feel better now...

PHOTO CREDIT:
Justin Bieber https://www.flickr.com/photos/joebielawa/
Miley Cyrus https://www.flickr.com/photos/joebielawa/
Gwyneth Paltrow https://www.flickr.com/photos/elhormiguerotv/

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Windbag Beneath Our Wings

What Brown Can't Do For You

We Three Weens...

MMMStop!

You've Embarrassed Theo...

A "Pocket" Tiger On The Prowl...

Sisterhood of Simpletons...

About The Slap

Archives

Categories

Windbag Beneath Our Wings

What Brown Can't Do For You

We Three Weens...

MMMStop!

You've Embarrassed Theo...

A "Pocket" Tiger On The Prowl...

Sisterhood of Simpletons...﻿

About The Slap

Archives

Categories

Sisterhood of Simpletons...