Offenders for the week of October 19, 2015:
This week our Slapees will receive a toy that matches their offense...
"But I love putting beef jerky in my mouth!"
#3 MADONNA
OFFENSE: Predicktable
Apparently Madge can't stay away from retro wang. She and allegedly-abusive-ex-hubby Sean Penn are sweatin' up the sheets again. How could she resist? He wrote her a letter admitting that he appreciates her "art". Is that what he calls your cookie jar? Mr. Happy Sack has been seen looking lovingly at Madonna from the front row of a couple of her shows. Plus, there's the hotel hook-ups. Madonna has said many times that Sean was/is the love of her life. Guess that story about your being tied to a chair against your will for hours one night during your marriage was... forgettable?
It must be actually true-- crazy sex is awesome sex.
Your toy: The Good Touch/Bad Coloring Book... and all touches from your ex are BAD!!!
OFFENSE: Predicktable
Apparently Madge can't stay away from retro wang. She and allegedly-abusive-ex-hubby Sean Penn are sweatin' up the sheets again. How could she resist? He wrote her a letter admitting that he appreciates her "art". Is that what he calls your cookie jar? Mr. Happy Sack has been seen looking lovingly at Madonna from the front row of a couple of her shows. Plus, there's the hotel hook-ups. Madonna has said many times that Sean was/is the love of her life. Guess that story about your being tied to a chair against your will for hours one night during your marriage was... forgettable?
It must be actually true-- crazy sex is awesome sex.
Your toy: The Good Touch/Bad Coloring Book... and all touches from your ex are BAD!!!
"Wipe my ass with your bunny ears!"
#2 HUGH HEFNER
OFFENSE: Sad sack
Guess his virility has gone viral-- as in infectious disease. The resident Playboy Bunnies are reporting horrible living conditions and Hef's lack of... desire.
"Most of the time all he (Hugh Hefner) wants to do is play chess with his friends and watch old films... (he) refuses to change anything in the mansion. The whole place feels like it's stuck in the 1980s."
FYI: Even in the 80s, dude was still a senior citizen...
What do you expect? He's been knockin' boots before electricity! But seriously, Hef... update your living conditions. You can't re-live the past, so try to make your future better. Plus, aren't you tired of all the DNA samples crusting-over every square inch of your home?
Your toy: The Potty Patty Doll... so you remember where not to tinkle.
OFFENSE: Sad sack
Guess his virility has gone viral-- as in infectious disease. The resident Playboy Bunnies are reporting horrible living conditions and Hef's lack of... desire.
"Most of the time all he (Hugh Hefner) wants to do is play chess with his friends and watch old films... (he) refuses to change anything in the mansion. The whole place feels like it's stuck in the 1980s."
FYI: Even in the 80s, dude was still a senior citizen...
What do you expect? He's been knockin' boots before electricity! But seriously, Hef... update your living conditions. You can't re-live the past, so try to make your future better. Plus, aren't you tired of all the DNA samples crusting-over every square inch of your home?
Your toy: The Potty Patty Doll... so you remember where not to tinkle.
"We don't act like you humans..."
#1 DENNIS HOF
OFFENSE: Sleazy opportunist
The owner of the brothel where Lamar Odom was found unconscious after a weekend bender, is a class act. This guy has taken every single opportunity to talk about his "friend" Lamar, while promoting his various skank shacks. Khloe Kardashian asked him to be respectful and zip it, but that just made him run his mouth more. Fabulous.
How many times did you visit Lamar in the hospital? That's right-- zero. Glad to know you care so much... about your bottom line.
Yes, you're wealthy and infamous. But you're really just a sad loser. You have to buy female attention, and males only associate with you because you have something they want. And it's not a bromance with you.
Eat a steamy bag.
Your toy: The Cross Section Heart Model... since you're lacking one of your own.
OFFENSE: Sleazy opportunist
The owner of the brothel where Lamar Odom was found unconscious after a weekend bender, is a class act. This guy has taken every single opportunity to talk about his "friend" Lamar, while promoting his various skank shacks. Khloe Kardashian asked him to be respectful and zip it, but that just made him run his mouth more. Fabulous.
How many times did you visit Lamar in the hospital? That's right-- zero. Glad to know you care so much... about your bottom line.
Yes, you're wealthy and infamous. But you're really just a sad loser. You have to buy female attention, and males only associate with you because you have something they want. And it's not a bromance with you.
Eat a steamy bag.
Your toy: The Cross Section Heart Model... since you're lacking one of your own.
PHOTO CREDITS:
Madonna https://www.flickr.com/photos/shankbone/
Hugh Hefner https://www.flickr.com/photos/nostri-imago/
Donkeys https://www.flickr.com/photos/verdecanyonrailroad/
Madonna https://www.flickr.com/photos/shankbone/
Hugh Hefner https://www.flickr.com/photos/nostri-imago/
Donkeys https://www.flickr.com/photos/verdecanyonrailroad/
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