Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

Shady Lady(?)

5/25/2018

Offenders for the week ending May 25, 2018:

There were so many toolbags this week, that I had to pick an honorable mention. Congrats KEVIN FEDERLINE. Britney Spears' second ex-husband and father of her two children won't let go of his petition for more child support. Now he wants what amounts to $2,000 a day. Because it's not fair when the children visit, they're forced to be all crammed into his little postage stamp-sized home. Oh, and he has no job-- except for DJ-ing in clubs. (Then get another job!)

On to our Top 3 Offenders...

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#3 KENDRICK LAMAR

Methinks this was a setup. At a recent show, Ken-dick invited a white gal up on stage to sing his song M.A.D.D. City with him. A few lines into it, he stopped the show to chastise her for singing all the lyrics-- which include the "n" word. I thought there'd be cries of "cultural appropriation", but no. Instead, overwhelming support of his victim. His fans are p*ssed off at HIM.

"The biggest setup ever... SMH... He knew what he was doing. Ruined her life all over social media. She's gonna have to live with the video of people being mad forever."

Love it. You're such a fanny wipe. That gal was a fan of yours. Imagine being called on stage to perform with your favorite artist? Then to have it ruined by your douchebaggery! She didn't see your color, but you saw hers. Hypocrite.

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#2 R. KELLY

This f&ck licker has a very high opinion of himself and his place in musical history. They way he talks, you'd think he was Michael Jackson or Prince. And, he's above the law. Captured on video, R rants about his music being banned on streaming services in light of a litany of sexual allegations against him. FYI: he believes those women should've told authorities years ago because he's "untouchable":

You're so right. You're a musical icon. So go on raping underage girls, keeping women enslaved in your various homes, and believing your jacked-up fairy tale.

You're such a disgrace to the human race.

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I loathe a lot of things. A backhanded-ho is on example. Right after the Royal Wedding and pre-American Idol finale, Katy and her fellow judges were interviewed about all kinds of stuff. When asked about Meghan Markle and the wedding, Katy wasn't as classy as the new Duchess of Sussex. She started out with sweet sentiment:

"I'm so happy for them... it's amazing what she's doing with all this, her humanitarian efforts... you know, the fact that she's a proud feminist, I love all that. I support her as another woman and love her and wish them both well."

Then she threw the shade. Take a listen:

Bitch, please. You "love and support" Meghan, but you couldn't resist taking a stab at her style. As I recall, you're the classy dame that shot whipped cream from her bra...

I'm surprised you were even able to speak with John's (Oscar) Mayer in your caboose, Orlando's Bloom in your womb, and Ryan Seacrest sniffing for a safe landing on the Haty Highway.

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Tattoo Boo!

3/23/2018

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Offenders for the week ending March 23, 2018:

"I'm a ho pirate."

#3 KYLIE JENNER

Why we make these tw*t biscuits celebrities, I'll never understand. But they're great fodder for us. Kylie's taking the heat for giving her newest Kylie Cosmetic blushes salacious names-- because she has a lot of teenage fans. Some of those names include: X Rated, Virginity, and Barely Legal. Social media lit up like the Fourth of July with fury:

"Kylie Jenner decided to name her cheap blushes with even cheaper names. Seems they're named after her life, underage-dating a 20-something dad. Bravo @krisjenner."

Well, when you don't live in reality while the rest of us do-- you don't think of consequences. Frankly, there's no thinking at all.

Here are some blush color names you might want to consider for your next autobiographical blush batch:

Angry Beaver
DNA Dumpster
Schlong Serenade

Or my favorite: STFU Forever F&ck Face.

"Don't mind while I violate you..."

#2 KATY PERRY

Katy's taking the heat for smooching 19-year-old Benjamin Glaze against his will during his recent American Idol audition. He confessed to the panel of judges that he had never kissed a gal because:

"I wanted to save it for my first relationship, I wanted it to be special."

Awwww! But now he's been violated. See, Katy sprung up and offered her cheek (so glad it wasn't her ass cheek) for him to peck. Dissatisfied that Benjamin didn't make the "smush" sound when he kissed her cheek, he tried again. That's when she pulled the ol' switcherooski and he ended up kissing her on the lips.

Gag!

That mouth has been on dirty-butt Russell Brand, known manwhore John Mayer, and many, many more questionable meat platters!

Even though he didn't make it to Hollywood, the kid has class. He says he doesn't feel sexually harassed, and says the kiss doesn't count because it was just physical contact with no emotion behind it. Which is probably how Katy's justified all her dong diving.

"I really am a toolbag!"

#1 BEN AFFLECK

Dude. How many midlife "crises" can you have!?!?! And if you're gonna have two jillion crises, own 'em all! Back in 2016, Benster was spotted with a massive back tattoo-- like, a full-back tattoo. He claimed it was for a movie role.

Well guess, what. NOT! He was recently spotted, sans shirt, with the full-color phoenix rising artwork on his back. And it wasn't pretty for many reasons. Justifiably, the internets went all bat-shit over B-Aff's gaffe. Twitter user Crystal Methanny had this gem:

"Next time you're feeling sad, remember that you're not Ben Affleck so you (probably) don't have a tattoo so big and so ugly and so universally ridiculed that you had to lie and say it was only temporary and just for a movie when it is so clearly not."

Ben's maybe-ex-wife Jennifer Garner is a little disturbed by the supposed meaning behind the tacky tat:

"A phoenix rising from the ashes. Am I the ashes in this scenario? I take umbrage. I refuse to be the ashes."

She should get a phoenix rising tat, too. Except she's definitely rising from the ashes of that asshat.

P.S. Looks like a color wheel threw up on you.

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

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"Backside Story"-- The Musical

8/18/2017

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Offenders for the week ending August 18, 2017:

"Hi, remember my jay-jay?"

#3 KATY PERRY

Katy and ex-bf Orlando Bloom reunited for one night-- to see Ed Sheeran in concert. The two dated for 10 months, but weren't on the same page relationship-wise. See, he was afraid of commitment. An insider had this to say:

"They definitely seemed like they're back together... They cuddled most of the night. She sat on his lap and shared kisses."

Sigh... First, why did you choose an Ed Sheeran concert to go to? There's, like, baby-making mojo sprayed in the air at those shows! Second, why oh why must people "re-connect" with an ex? There's a smorgasbord of sausages out there to experience! Hopefully, this was just a one-time thing. He doesn't want to put a ring on it, so let it go like Elsa.

Please, please, please quit making Orlando... Bloom!

"Oh, shit...."

#2 TOM CRUISE

I've loved you. I've loathed you. Now, I'm just indifferent, but still-- stop with the doing of your own stunts! Dude jacked-up his body on the set of Mission Impossible 1,056. Video shows Maverick leaping from scaffolding, clinging to the side of a building. He either over-shot it, or under-shot it-- but he hit it HARD. Then, he had another issue where he missed a jump and slammed into the edge of a building. Afterwards, Tommy had a really bad limp.

I get doing some minimally-risky stunts, but this is just insane. I'm sure you feel uber indestructible since you sold your soul to the false idols of Scientology, but guess what? You are, indeed, still mostly human.

Just stop. Stick to jumping on couches.

"Backstreet's back/Oh, shart!"

#1 BACKSTREET BOYS

Hard to believe it's been 20 years since the boys dropped their first album. During an interview with Rolling Stone, A.J. Mclean regaled the interviewer about their fourth album and their song "The Call"-- and how that bass line was constructed. It was constructed with the help of someone's... ass. Literally. Allegedly, while Howie Dorough (or is that Dough Boy) was recording his harmony he let one slip because he was really into it. Uh-huh. So, the producer decided to make his fart sound like a bass line. My B.S. Alert is going off on this one.

If Howie really did a one-cheek-sneak, how LOUD was it? Mics are sensitive and all, but if you're singing and farting and the fart is audible? That's one dude that's a walking stink bomb! Whatevs. Let's roll with this then. Y'all could use reinvention since you have no plans on a reunion tour. Why not redo (or is that re-toot) some of your most popular songs, like these:

"As Long As You Gas Me"
"Larger Than Fart"
"Everyfarty"

Celebrate your booty ocarinas!

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

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Put On Your Big Girl Pants!

6/16/2017

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Offenders for the week ending June 16, 2017:

"Suckit, Hate-y Scare-y!"

#3 TAYLOR SWIFT

In the on-going feud between Tay-Tay and Katy Perry, Tay has booby-punched her nemesis again! As we all well know, Taylor's not down with streaming her music. But she changed her tune (sorry for that bad pun) and released her entire back catalog of music on all streaming services on the SAME DAY as Katy dropped her new album. Awwwww, snap! This is from Taylor Nation:

"In celebration of 1989 selling over 10 million albums worldwide and the RIAA's 100 Million Song Certification, Taylor wants to thank her fans by making her entire back catalog available to all streaming services..."

Girl, we can see through your "love of fans". Yes, they keep you in the bling-- but your real motivation was to take Katy down.. .which, I do have to say was a brilliant move. But we need you to get over this childish feud. Why are your panties in a bunch for Katy? I mean-- what's the REAL reason you loathe her so much? It has to be more than Katy using the same dancers you had on your tour. Which by the way, is no big deal. Or maybe because you both had the John "Oscar" Mayer?

Can't you just rant about it in your Burn Book and be done!?!?!

"My biggest talent is being a bitch."

#2 BRANDI GLANVILLE

I really don't know why this c*m-collector is even famous, except for saying sensational things... and I was sooooo hoping she had gone away for good when she left The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. But nooooooo. I guess the genie couldn't grant us that fourth wish. Sigh. Just like our previous Slap-ee, Miss STD needs to get over it! She is still not over her divorce from actor Eddie Cibrian, and his marriage to LeAnn Rimes. This twit is claiming that the couple stalked her boyfriend's (current bang buddy) Twitter page and showed up ON PURPOSE to the same restaurant they were dining at. Oh, and Eddie and LeAnn had Eddie and Brandi's kids with them. Ah, ha!

Eddie took to the internets himself and proved that he and LeAnn had made reservations days in advance of Brandi's dinner date. Sad that he has to even do this at all.

Look, B. Eddie left you because you're a psycho. Get. Over. It.

"I'm #1! I'm #1!"

#1 KATY PERRY

So, Katy dropped a new (very mediocre) album and is working the media hard to stay relevant. She did a 72-hour live YouTube stream in which James Corden asked her to rank a few of her lovers from best to worst. And how did Diplo, John Mayer and Orlando Bloom fair?

1. John Mayer
2. Orlando Bloom
3. Diplo

She quickly said they were all good, but you know... WEll, Diplo was NOT pleased. In fact he tweeted:

"I don't even remember having sex."

Ouch. That's what the classless broad deserves. Look, I'm no prude. But there's no need to sully your exes just 'cuz they're your exes. Why the low blow, so to speak? Here's some advice: since you can't shut your legs, just shut your mouth.

PHOTO CREDIT:
GIFs www.giphy.com

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Fly, Turdies... Fly!

5/19/2017

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Offenders for the week ending May 19, 2017:

"Here's what you can do with your cake!"

#3 JETBLUE

I know an airline is not a celebrity, but infamy qualifies-- at least with the slap. You'd think with all the bad publicity that the industry is getting recently, they'd check themselves before they wreck themselves. Apparently not. Imagine this:

"Hey, honey. We're going to Vegas for your 40th birthday!" Yaaaaay! But wait-- Cameron Burke, and his birthday-girl-wife and their family were en route to Vegas for said celebration when the flight attendants had them removed. Over a birthday cake. The flight attendants couldn't agree on where to store it. Here's how it went down:

Here's my thing: this family passed TSA, so what's the problem with the damn cake? Hello? Shame on you! Time to rename you JetLose.

"I'm blind and I have this squish-face syndrome, so I'm innocent..."

#2 BILL COSBY

Not only is he blind, but apparently he's insane. And things are a whole lot "nefarious." Yup. That's his go-to word to describe his "situation". On a previous Celebrity Slap, I shared that the Cosby family was embarking on a media tour to try and gain sympathy ahead of his trial this summer. In a rare interview with the allegedly-rapey-mixologist, Cos claims this whole thing is rooted in racism:

"Nefarious is a great word. And I just truly believe that some of it may very well be that."

Nefarious by definition means: wicked or criminal. Like what you're accused of? And how are these decades-ranging allegations racist? Some of your alleged victims are African-American. You are African-American. And, you've done well for yourself... in a supposed white-washed world.

Yeah, keep reachin', you rank butthole. You and your entire delusional family are a puddin' pop short of a whole box.

"Blah, blah, blah...."

#1 TAYLOR HICKS

ican Idol is back! And Katy Perry has been named as one of the judges. And supposedly, Idol alum Chris Daughtry. Cool! Unless you're the Taylor-who-wishes-he-were-Swift.
Even though they're buds, Hickster doesn't think D should be a judge:

"I think a winner should be (a judge), personally, because what you go through to win the show is a lot different than what you go through when you're third or fourth, you know, or fight. Or tenth."

Okay. Sounds valid. Or it sounds like sour grapes 'cuz no one's called YOU to judge. Right?

"I'm not confirming or denying it."

Which means, your phone ain't ringing. Well, Soul Patrol knows best. So, let's compare the two:

Taylor:
Winner of American Idol, Season 5
Vegas residency 2012
Number of hit songs:.................
Net worth: $3.5 million
Chris:
#4 finisher American Idol, Season 5
Acted in multiple TV shows
Number of hit songs: 4 #1s, 10 Top 10s
Net worth: $8.5 million

Take your beloved harmonica and stick it in your booty crack. Maybe you'll get fame for playing it that way.

PHOTO CREDIT:
GIFs www.giphy.com

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Dudes Doin' Dumb

3/10/2017

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Offenders for the week ending March 10, 2017:

(What is it with offensive men?!?! LOL)
This week's Slap-ees will receive a prescription from Dr. Vogel.

Get ready for the thug life, Luis!

#3 LOUIS TOMLINSON

The former One Direction-er went down a one-way street of rage when he assaulted a paparazzo at the L.A. airport. Someonegot a little too close, and Louis pulled him down by the legs, causing the commoner to hit his head on the ground. Then... he got into a scrum with an onlooker who was taking some video of the whole melee.

Tsk, tsk tsk.

I thought you British pop stars were a bit more proper. Are you upset because he called you "Loo-iss" instead of "Loo-ee"? He can't help that your parents gave you a name that has a different pronunciation from its spelling. Geez. Or is it because deep down inside your inner Ricky Martin wishes you were named "Luis"? What ever the case, get a grip! Can photogs be annoying? Hecks-to-the-yeah! Loo-ee's attorney says his client was 'provoked.' Probably. But that's the game so they can get a good pic. You should know this by now!

By the way, the photographer and onlooker made citizens' arrests! Classic! Well, Luis, have fun in court on the 29th.

Dr. Vogel prescribes: A 1,000 mg tablet of Chill-The-F*ck-Out, every hour.

"Oh, baybeeeeeeee i'm longing for youuuuuuu..."

#2 JOHN MAYER

Oh, you perpetual man-ho! His ex, Katy Perry, just broke up with Orlando Bloom, and guess who's swooping in for the kill? Yup. This rocket man. He called her up to see how she's doing:

"He just wanted to make sure she's okay."

Of course. And to make sure the buffet is open if he's hungry. Geesh! Well, they were soulmates... until he cheated. Dude thinks he's some kind of superhero, right?:

John Mayer, The Poon Slayer

You'd think, after all his years of turning the female celebrity "A" list into the "Ahhh" list, he'd be a bit savvier.

P.S. Give it a minute. She hasn't even had a chance to air it out yet!

Dr. Vogel prescribes: A pair of compression tighty whities to keep that thing in check. (Make that two pair.)

JUSTICE

#1 HUNTER BIDEN

It's a real-life soap opera unfolding with the Bidens. The late Beau Biden's widow, Hallie, is dating Hunter-- her former brother-in-law (and Beau's bro). Her married former brother-in-law. (We need a Hallmark card for this.) I'm not trying to be judge-y here. Perhaps their mutual grief brought them closer.... yeah, I find this a little suspect. Did these two have feelings for each other while married to their respective spouses? Well, Hunter is separated and supposedly papa Joe and mama Jill approve. Whatever.

Now, Hunter's estranged wife Kathleen is throwin' so much shade she's causing an eclipse. This is what she's airing out:

1. He loves some drugs and prostitutes.

2. He spends money on his own interests: travel, alcohol, strip clubs....

3. He can't support his three children and can't pay his bills (housekeeper, medical bills, therapists.)

Hallie-- you best Bide-n your time and then run from this obvious disease-harboring douchebag! And you, Hunter-- I've decided to change your name to C*nt-er. You're that repulsive.

Dr. Vogel prescribes: One wooden box. Crawl inside, shut the lid, and proceed to stop breathing. Permanently.

PHOTO CREDITS:
Gifs www.giphy.com
John Mayer https://www.flickr.com/photos/sweetmusic/

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A Fart. A Tart. And A Living Shart...

2/17/2017

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Offenders for the week ending February 17, 2017:

This week's Slap-ees will each receive a Vogee Award (Yes, my own award.)

"I love you..."

#3 AARON CARTER

In a bizarro interview in which he started out with a claim that he paved the way for Justin Bieber, he then took a complete left turn into Rankville with a revelation about his first celebrity crush Sandra Bullock. I don't know when this was, but A.C. was hangin' with Demi Moore and her kids somewhere, when Sandra walked into the room. Aaron got so nervous at seeing his beloved crush, that he...

Farted.

And then, Sandra walked away.Way to blow it, so to speak. I personally think he was trying to impress her, because boys are icky and gross. The bigger question I have is why did Demi and the kiddos stick around? Is there some kind of pleasure derived from sitting amongst a fart cloud? Is that how Bruce Willis or Ass-hton Kutcher wooed her?

Enough of that. Before you know it, the sentiment "I *heart* you" will become "I *fart* you."

Your Vogee Award: Worst One Cheek Sneak

"I didn't shave my head, but I look like a ballerina hooker."

#2 KATY PERRY

During a red carpet interview for a pre-Grammys telecast, Hate-y took a random and unnecessary shot at Britney Spears. Ryan Seacrest asked her about her hiatus from music. She spewed:

"It's called taking care of your mental health... I haven't shaved my head yet."

Wow! That's not throwin' shade. That's throwin' a whole damned eclipse! You've worked with her, AND on top of that-- Brit-Brit has said publicly how much she admires you. Shame!

We all make mistakes. Sadly, Britney's head-shaving is a part of pop culture history. But do we need to keep bringing it up? I'd consider your marrying that dirty-butt Russell Brand cray-cray, but are we all picking that scab? (Wait. We just did. Not sorry.)

Why don't you go make-nice with Left Shark and leave Britney alone!

Your Vogee Award: Best Placement of The Letter 'B' in Bitch

"Raise your hand if you think CeeLo is loco?"

#1 CEELO GREEN

WTF was that costume he wore to the Grammys!?!? He was covered head-to-toe in a gold suit, complete with a gold mask. Was he feeling left out, so he awarded himself, himself?!?! Or maybe he's a new superhero:

C-3P-No!

Or, is he trying to make his song "Crazy" a self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe he's trying to make us all forget he pleaded no contest to providing a woman ecstasy against her will. Or his questionable tweets about rape:

"Women who have really been raped REMEMBER!!!"

And this gem:

"If someone is passed out, they're not even WITH you consciously! So WITH implies consent."

Or...maybe he's outing a freak-a-leak faction that's into bumpin' uglies with people dressed up like trophies. It's all so beautifully mind-boggling.

P.S. Kudos to you. We ARE talking about you... even if the talk isn't flattering.

Your Vogee Award: The Ultimate Desecration of a Precious Metal

PHOTO CREDITS:
Katy Perry https://www.flickr.com/photos/oouinouin/
C-3PO https://www.flickr.com/photos/zetotal/

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Shady Lady(?)

Tattoo Boo!

"Backside Story"-- The Musical

Put On Your Big Girl Pants!

Fly, Turdies... Fly!

Dudes Doin' Dumb

A Fart. A Tart. And A Living Shart...

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