Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

Fixer

5/6/2022

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending May 6th, 2022:

#3 DAN AKYROYD AND DONNA DIXON

I'm always amazed when couples-- especially Hollywood ones-- endure. But this one is no longer happily-ever-after. They're going to remain legally married, but live life separately.

“After 39 years as a couple we are now on separate life paths. We remain legally married, co-parents, co-workers, and business partners. This is our choice in loving friendship.”

I've got some questions: Very mature. But... who gets the house? And what about the money? Surely those things need worked out, don't they? Does this mean you'll live together, but as roommates?

The two met in 1983 while filming Doctor Detroit, and have three grown daughters together.

via GIPHY

#2 BILL GATES

Billy has admitted in an interview to having a wandering willy, kind of. He told the "Today" show that he "caused pain" to his ex, Melinda. But did he cheat?

“I certainly made mistakes, and I take responsibility. I don’t think delving into the particulars at this point is constructive, but yes, I caused pain, and I feel terrible about that."

Let us read between the sheets. Ding, ding, ding! Yes. You cheated.

Gates has been known historically as a manho-- even before his money.

Gross. How can a man who started a company with the name "soft" in it have anything hard? Except his wallet. Which must be the attraction?

Maybe his philanthropy is more like feelanthrophy.

via GIPHY

#1 JUSTIN BIEBER

This just in: getting married doesn't magically make you a better person. Because that's what Justin thought would happen when he married Hailey Baldwin.

“It’s a journey. I remember when I first got married, I hit a little bit of an emotional breakdown because I thought marriage was going to fix all my problems and it didn’t."

Duh!

And if you're thinking about having a baby because it will bring you closer if your marriage is rocky-- no.

Just take each day at a time. Be good to each other. And don't be a toolbag. Try really hard.

Clown of Sunset

4/8/2022

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offender for the week ending April 8th, 2022:

via GIPHY

#3 MIKE SHOUHED, Cast Member/Shahs of Sunset

Anyone who's ever watch this reality TV show won't be surprised that he's been busted for domestic violence. This dude is a ball of rage, has antiquated viewpoints on gender roles, is a serial cheater, and is always "working on himself."

Please. You're just the typical Mr. Massengil. He's accused of committing "intimate partner violence with injury." He's engaged to Paulina Ben-Cohen, but it hasn't been confirmed if she's the victim. Methinks, yes, since we've seen on TV how he treats her.

Dude's deleted his IG, but not before he posted this:

"Your life is your responsibility. Your success is your responsibility. Your failure is your responsibility. Your reaction is your responsibility. Your behavior is your responsibility."

Thanks, Brokedown Budhha. STFU.

via GIPHY

#2 HOPE SOLO

The former soccer champ can't keep trouble out of her net. She got busted last week after she was found passed out behind the wheel of her car with her two-year-old twins in their car seats. Her rep had this to say:

"On the advice of counsel, Hope can't speak about this situation, but she wants everyone to know that her kids are her life, that she was released immediately and is now at home with her family, that the story is more sympathetic than the initial charges suggest, and that she looks forward to her opportunity to defend these charges."

Sympathetic? Whatever your sob story is, you don't get behind the wheel of your car drunk (allegedly) with your babies in tow. She was passed out with the engine running for more than an hour!

And this ain't her first scrimmage with the law. She was arrested in 2014 on domestic assault charges after police said she attacked two relatives at her home. The charges were dropped in 2018. Back in 2012, she admitted to being intoxicated in an interview following her win at the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Later that year, she faced a doping scandal, and her fiancé was arrested for allegedly attacking her the day before their wedding.

Three words for you: Get. Some. Help. Or... Go. F*ck. Off.

via GIPHY

#1 OJ SIMPSON

If you haven't followed OJ on Twitter, you should. His DGAF is broken, and he has something to say about everything. So, he had to share his thoughts about the Oscars Slap Heard 'Round The World. He defended Will Smith. #notsurprised:

“[Will Smith] was wrong but I understand the sentiment. It was unfortunate. I think Will was wrong. Look, I understood the feeling. In my life, I’ve been through a lot of crap…every comedian in the country had an O.J. routine. Don’t think I didn’t want to slap some of those guys. You just have to accept that it’s humor.”

Really? Such level-headed advice on acceptance from a man who couldn't accept that his ex-wife moved on and maybe slapped her with a knife to death. Allegedly. This dude knows the truth, yet he's out in the streets playing all innocent about everything he's ever been in trouble for. Or went to jail for.

But thank you for still spending so much time on the golf course looking for Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman's real killer.

Men in Smack

4/1/2022

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offender for the week ending April 1st, 2022:

via GIPHY

#3, #2, #1 WILL SMITH

The smack heard 'round the world has landed Mr. Smith on the list, taking all the spots. The dude who was once the go-to box office darling; the chill rapper who dropped rhymes about Summertime and Gettin' Jiggy Wit It is now the angry, cuckold man child for his stunt at the Oscars. Yeah, I said "stunt". And what a giant kitty you really are. You were laughing at Chris Rock's G.I. Jane joke. Your wife was smiling uncomfortably. After she shot you the "death stare" you casually strolled up to the stage and slapped Chris. Then you went back to your seat and swore at him. I hope Jada let you sleep in bed next to her that night. I wouldn't want to sleep in the garage, either, if I didn't jump when called to by my overbearing wife.

After not apologizing that night during your Oscar-winning acceptance speech, Will offered this:

“Violence in all of its forms is poisonous and destructive. My behavior at last night’s Academy Awards was unacceptable and inexcusable. Jokes at my expense are a part of the job, but a joke about Jada’s medical condition was too much for me to bear and I reacted emotionally. I would like to publicly apologize to you, Chris. I was out of line and I was wrong. I am embarrassed and my actions were not indicative of the man I want to be. There is no place for violence in a world of love and kindness. I deeply regret that my behavior has stained what has been an otherwise gorgeous journey for all of us.”

Blah, blah, blah.

This is just a big joke in a world where wrong is right and right is wrong. You're not sorry. Not truly. Look at all the attention you've gotten! And you won't get cancelled, cuz, it's YOU. Hollywood Star. With the quick wit you possess, you could've easily verbally shut that joke down. But now you're an emasculated laughing-stock to us real people that have made you rich.

F*ck you. And your entitlement. And your hurt little feelings. You're a disaster. There are ways to defend your loved ones, and ways to embarrass them. You put the "ass" in embarrassment. Congrats. I've got a statue for you to stick somewhere.

Ending on a Low Note

12/31/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending December 31st, 2021:

via GIPHY

#3 COMMON, known rapper

Rapper Common and comedian Tiffany Haddish were all booed-up during the lockdown. And they were going strong for a year-- so deeply in love. And then... Splitsville. The reason? They're both so busy post-lockdown that there's no time for affection.

Hold that.

Tiffany is now saying that's not the case:

"He might be the type of person that never really settles with somebody, maybe he’s like, you know, like a bee going from flower to flower to flower. I don’t know. I wish him nothing but joy and happiness, you know. He will always be cool.”

Not if he's not being forthcoming on why y'all broke up! I guess he likes the "common" B.S. excuses instead of the truth.

via GIPHY

#2 MEGHAN KING, former Reality TV "star" turned "Influencer"

Called it! Meghan's quickie marriage to Cuffe Owens is done-sy. And for this thrice-divorcee, she's crushed:

“I am rattled. This situation is profoundly devastating.This is obviously not what I imagined when I made my vows — and I’m shocked and saddened by the way things turned out. I am moving forward with my children (not Cuffe's) as we privately process our pain and begin to let go of shattered dreams.”

OMG! Sooooo dramatic! What in the af did you expect when your flighty-ass married this ween after THREE WEEKS of dating?

But, damn, they were three of the most fab weeks after meeting up on the Raya dating app.

“[We] texted for a day or two, then spent five straight hours on the phone the first time we spoke. By the time that call ended, Cuffe was booked and packed for a flight to St. Louis that took off in about eight hours. Within a week, we were back on the East Coast, meeting his family, and starting to plan our future together. We didn’t leave each other’s side for weeks.”

Methinks his being Biden's nephew was the main attraction. Cuz you could get extra clout coins for that move...

P.S. Is she going to marry a "Collar" next?

via GIPHY

#1 KANYE WEST

I actually feel a wee bit sorry for ol' Kanye. Cuz he is reeking of desperation. Kim. Doesn't. Want. You. Anymore. This dude had been spending most of his married time on his ranch in Montana, away from Kim and the kids. And now that she's moved on-- he says he wants to stay married to her. And on top of that? He just bought a $4.5 million mansion in Hidden Hills, CA. Across the street from his soon-to-be-ex wife.

Perhaps you shouldn't have had such loose-lips, which embarrassed your entire family, and will come back to shame your children. Yes, your kids want you to stay together. Because, kids. But Kim isn't moved. In court papers:

"Irreconcilable differences have existed and continue to exist between [West] and me, which have caused our marriage to irretrievably break down. No counseling or reconciliation effort will be of any value at this time. There will be no prejudice to [West] if our marriage is immediately dissolved, especially given the fact that throughout our marriage, we adhered to the terms of our premarital agreement and maintained the separate property character of our assets.”

And on top of that? She's asked the court to declare her "single" while they work out custody.

Go write another record about all this and move on... And out of that new house!

Swagless

11/12/2021

Offender for the week ending November 12, 2021:

via GIPHY

#3 SCOTT DISICK

This fool thinks if he keeps in good with the Kardashian/Jenners, he might get another shot at Kourtney. HA HA HA HA! He says he considers Kris Jenner to be a second mom to him, and that he gets along well with everyone-- except Kourtney.

Well, her opinion matters most. And she ain't leaving Travis Barker-- a real man. Just go back to age-inappropriate dating.

A little poem for you:

Disick
Is a dick
Not so slick
Go find a pole to lick

via GIPHY

#2 JEFF BEZOS

Jeffy was just kidding, but you know a part of him was serious when he took a shot at the luscious Leo DiCaprio. Jeff and his lady love, Lauren Sanchez, were at some soiree where Leo was. And he was lookin' F-I-N-E in a tux. Lauren was alllll into Leo, and as he turned to walk away, it looked like she was going to grab his hand and follow. Well, Barstool Sports posted video of the exchange with the caption "Leo is Mr. Steal Yo Girl."

In response, Jeff posted a picture of himself standing by a sign that read: "Danger! Steep Cliff Fatal Drop" with the caption: "Leo, come over here. I want to show you something."

Look, Bezhos. You have more money than Leo. It's cool. Go ride your penis rocket to space. It'll be okay.

A little poem for you:

Sad but true
You got the bag
But Leo got swag
Boo hoo

via GIPHY

#1 YE, formerly known as Kanye West

I've slapped this dude so many times, but he doesn't seem to learn. I actually feel sorry for him as he's going through a lot. Name change; marital status change. Reports came out months ago that these two are, indeed, getting divorced-- and that everything had been settled. Now, Ye claims he's never seen any divorce papers, and that he wants to stay together with Kim Kardashian. He's blaming the media, and streaming service Hulu for the breakup of his family:

"I wanna pull my family back together... It's MY family, Hulu."

What the eff does that mean? Perhaps you shouldn't have run off to your ranch in Montana for months at a time while your family was in L.A. Methinks he's just upset Kim's bumpin' uglies with Pete Davidson. I mean, I'd hurl too, but... you have your own little hook-up action going on...

A little poem for you:

Ye Ye
Go away
Change your name to
Overplayed

Nailed

10/15/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offender for the week ending October 15, 2021:

via GIPHY

#3 MEGHAN KING

You can take the girl out of reality TV, but you can't take the reality TV life out of the girl. Why? Because she's the Hot Mess Express, and is proud of it! Her latest doomed move? Getting married after just a few weeks of dating. Megs has tied the knot with President Biden's nephew, Cuffe Owens.

First of all, what the f*ck kind of name is Cuffe!?!? It means glove... which I hope he uses the love glove so there aren't any more cuffers running around. But I digress. Megan said the two of them clicked on a dating app, they spoke on the phone for five hours, she flew to St. Louis to meet him, and the rest is history. Thank goodness her divorce from former MLBer Jim Edmonds was just finalized.

I'm sure his being the nephew of the Prez had nothing to do with your smitten-ess....

via GIPHY

#2 DEMI LOVATO

She has gone from cool to tool quickly. I'm glad that she has a platform and feels empowered to speak on behalf of those she feels are slighted, but many times she's misguided and acting-out because she's triggered. And her latest battle? We all need to stop calling aliens, aliens. You know, the green or grey creatures we imagine that are from another realm. She feels that it's offensive to describe other possible life forms as alien. By one definition, alien:

"belonging or relating to another person, place or thing... belonging to a foreign country or nation."

Offensive. Demi says:

"I think that we have to stop calling them aliens because aliens is a derogatory term for anything. That's why I like to call them ETs!"

I see what's going on here. You're one of them. With that, ET phone home and get outta here!

via GIPHY

#1 ERIKA JAYNE

This poor (maybe literally) cast member of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is so tragic-- the collateral damage of her ancient lawyer-husband's scheme of robbing his clients of settlement money (and then spending it on her lavish lifestyle). She had no idea her hubs was bilking people! (wink, wink) And now, she can't take it anymore. She has publicly put on her martyr hat, and has even dared to compare herself to Jesus.

A fan posted that Erika's lawyer is "undermining the judicial system", adding-- "this is exactly how CHRIST died."

Erika, of course, retweeted the post. Just. Wow. Whether you are a believer or not, Christ stood for many things. None of which Erika stands for. To compare yourself to a holy being, when you should be comparing yourself to a whoring being is repulsive. You're scamming, lying, cheating, gluttonous lifestyle is your choosing. To be caught breaking the law and being immoral is called justice. Not Jesus.

Waiting for the lightning to strike in three, two, one...

Double Oh-No!

8/20/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending August 20th, 2021:

via GIPHY

#3 JIM EDMONDS

This fool is engaged again. This time to someone, the name doesn't really matter. This will make wife #4 for Jimmy. Is he trying to have as many wives as years he played in the MLB? Of course, this gal's "the one". Never age appropriate, by the way. But me wonders if this wife will want kids, like his third wife did, and then he wasn't there for those kids because he's in AARP land and doesn't care, but hey his sperm still swim, so....

That was a lot... like the number of ex wives he's going to have.

via GIPHY

#2 DANIEL CRAIG

I have some mixed feelings about Daniel-- besides if he really made a good 007 or not. It seems he's a part of this trend to not leave his kids any money when he double-oh-dies because it ain't cool. So his intention is to give away his fortune while he's alive because he doesn't want to die rich. Sorry, kids. Daddy's worth $160-million, but you'll get nothing and like it.

"I don't want to leave great sums to the next generation. I think inheritance is quite distasteful. My philosophy is get rid of it or give it away before you go."

I get the concept that a person should make their own way in life, but unless your kids are complete douchenozzles, why the hate? There is nothing wrong with building generational wealth, which could lead to greater opportunities for your two daughters and their children. Legacy building ain't all bad.

But since this is how you're rollin', my hand is out if ya wanna drop some cheddar...

via GIPHY

#1 MAMA JUNE

It's said that this creature rose to fame thanks to her daughter's (Honey Boo Boo) popularity on Toddlers and Tiaras on TLC. There was even a time when I was happy that Mama June was able to make a better life for herself and her kids. But then she went back to her trailer park ways, because you can't take the trailer park out of the person. One of her boyfriends was the same man that was accused of raping one of her daughters. Uhmmmm, WTF? And then she hooked up with Geno Doak and got into a bunch of trouble with crack cocaine use and possession and blowing through all her reality TV money.

Dumbass.

But she's seen the light, now. After Geno was sentenced to 16 months for his drug charges, she decided to end things with him.

"He's not a part of my life, hasn't been."

Maybe you'll learn that drugs and DV aren't the way to live. Though you've made money from being a hot mess. doesn't mean you shouldn't try to live a better life.

Dear Mama June
Quit thinkin' with your poon
Wake da fuque up
Before you get cut

Wish List

7/29/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

The slap hand is taking a rest this week. But that doesn't mean YOU can't slap a celebrity! Who do you want to "slap" and why? Don't be shy...

Cancel Culture Club

7/23/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending July 23rd, 2021:

via GIPHY

#3 SPIKE LEE

He pulled a Steve Harvey x 100 at the Cannes Film Festival. He accidentally announced "Titane" as winner of the Palme d'Or-- which is the big prize-- before all the other prizes.

Duh!

That's like announcing the Best Film award at the Oscars at the beginning of the broadcast. Wait, that might be a good thing... Anywho, Spike is really sorry for the epic eff-up:

"I have no excuses. I messed up... It's like the guy at the end of the game who misses the free throw."

Dude. You weren't at the end of the game. That's the point. But we get it. You're lucky the French didn't pelt you with cheese and disdain...

via GIPHY

#2 LARSA PIPPEN

I thought this THOT had left the building, but she's still out there gettin' pub as one of the Real Housewives of Miami. Whatever. But do you still need to talk about your affair with the very married NBA baller Malik Beasley? Oh, yeah. That's the only storyline you have....

She's opened her flaps again to share that she wouldn't get back with Malik if he tried to woo her. Uhhhmmmm, okay:

"(Larsa) has not been in communication with Malik and is unaware of what he's been up to... She has vowed she would not get back with him and would never take him back if he tried getting back with her. She's completely moved on and is enjoying being single again."

You're assuming he wants you back, after you disparaged his manhood and dating style publicly. Of course, he is a POS, but...

Actually sounds like you two deserve each other. Maybe you two should reunite for a reality TV show called, "The Hoe and The Hopeless."

via GIPHY

#1 CHRISSY TEIGEN

Chrissy is all upset, afraid that she's been put in what she calls the "Cancel Club." She's all sad and depressed that people have come for her over her well-known bullying of women and people that don't fit her narrative.

"I really don't know what to say here. Just feels so weird to pretend nothing happened in this online world but feel like utter s-t in real life. Going outside sucks and doesn't feel right, being at home alone with my mind makes my depressed head race. But I do know that however I'm handling this now isn't the right answer. I feel lost and need to find my place again."

Boo f&cking-hoo.

Where is your place? Since your perfection of Mean Girl-ism has been reviled, what will you do? Can't tell anyone on the socials (Courtney Stodden) to go 'take a dirt nap." Perhaps you should ask yourself why you feel the need to come for everybody. Why don't you stay in your lane and just talk about your cookbooks and your lifestyle crap? Live your life and let others live theirs. Unless you like wearing the crown of hypocrisy...

What a Lovehole

7/2/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending July 2, 2021:

via GIPHY

#3 COURTNEY LOVE

Just when you think this pimple's been eliminated for good, it pops back up. She's all bent that pop artist Olivia Rodrigo's album cover for Sour is quite similar to Hole's 1994 album cover for Live Through This-- which features a brokedown prom queen. Love tweeted:

"Spot the difference! #twinning!"

So damn what!?!? Be grateful a 20-something appreciates your music and knows who you are.

Love felt that Olivia should've gotten permission first. Because, you know, manners. From the woman who may have killed Kurt Cobain.

via GIPHY

#2 MEGHAN MARKLE

Methinks Meghan possesses a poison poonanie, because once the Former-Prince Harry got a slice, he was never the same. I mean, look at all the tea spilled regarding the Royal Family. And Harry is estranged from his pops and bro? It's like Meghan wanted the benefits and exposure that being royalty could provide, without performing the royal duties. Like Harry couldn't have "escaped" the horrors of privilege pre-Meghan? Riiight.

But it appears that Meghan 2.0 has alienated yet another person-- her bestie. Jessica Mulroney posted this gem:

"Life changes. You lose love. You lose friends. You lose pieces of yourself that you never imagined would be gone. And then, without even realizing it, those pieces come back. New love enters. Better friends come along. And a stronger, wiser you, is staring back in the mirror."

But it's Jessica's fault for getting dragged into some social media fight, blah, blah, blah... that's why there's a rift. And supposedly Jessica is using their friendship for headlines. This sounds like a familiar accusation...

Perhaps Meghan was always a stormy bitchfront...

via GIPHY

#1 ALLISON MACK

Saying you're sorry doesn't make everything go away. Especially when you recruited women into the NXIVM sex cult. She claims she was brainwashed, and felt that what she was doing was the right thing-- bringing young women to Keith Raniere so they could be mentored. She released a lengthy statement last weekend ahead of her sentencing yesterday, hoping to garner favor from the court. In part she said:

"... those who have been harmed by my actions, it is now of paramount importance for me to say, from the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry.."

I'm sure that's true. And I'm sure that she realizes what she did. But... she wants to serve zero jail time. Zero. Why? Because she's a changed person. She's reconnected with her family, works for a catering business, and is pursuing an education at UC Berkeley. So...

Good for you. But you aided in the ruining of lives. Even those who cause car accidents that accidentally kill someone still have to answer for that. Zero jail time? Eff you. Fortunately, Allison will spend three years in prison, though it's nearly not enough. She faced 15 years in prison for her misdeeds. Let's see how much time she does, or perhaps she'll skate out of it Cosby-style.

This whole thing is disgusting for so many reasons...

<<Previous

Fixer

Clown of Sunset

Men in Smack

Ending on a Low Note

Swagless

Nailed

Double Oh-No!

Wish List

Cancel Culture Club

What a Lovehole

About The Slap

Archives

Categories