Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

Monster Mom

3/13/2020

Offenders for the week ending March 13, 2020:

One person takes the whole damned list this week. Why? Because she's that much of a hot mess. She's not famous, but infamous. And she's been memed, so she officially is a celebrity.

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#3, #2, #1 BARB WEBER, mom of The Bachelor Peter Weber

AKA Mom from Hell. Potential MIL from Hell. Hell on Wheels.

We all thought "Karen" was bad. Momma Weber is worse. She'd make "Karen" ugly cry. For days. Now, Bachelor Nation fully understands why Peter is an emotional mess and is attracted to the drams-- because his mom is bat-sh*t cray cray. The tears this woman has shed on the show. The emotional plea to "bring her home to us!!!" The crying when Peter got engaged to a woman he then dumped a month later... and those are the mild moments.

Barb became the biggest villain of The Bachelor franchise when she spewed her venom at the live finale. From the eye rolls, to body-shaming Madison by calling her a "twig", to flat out saying that Peter (her son, remember?) needed to "fail to succeed."

"All his friends, all his family, everyone that knows him knows that it's not going to work."

With Madison. See, Peter was torn between Madison and Hannah Ann. Madison made it clear to Peter that she was uncomfortable with his being intimate with the other final two contestants because she is a Christian who is saving herself for marriage. After a tough decision, Madison left the show-- which left Hannah Ann standing-- and getting proposed to by Peter. His mom luuuuuuves Hannah Ann. Because she banged him. And she's sweet. But Madison is a horrible person because she is standing strong on her morals-- which apparently is a bad quality. What mom encourages her son to be a man-ho, or shames a person for having standards? Barb does. Take a seat, "Karen." Peter and Hannah Ann broke up, and Madison is back in the picture. Because he loved her, too. Hard to keep straight, right?

The Bachelor live finale divided the Weber family with Peter saying his family needs to zip it and accept that he loves Madi. And I'm sure that Barb and her whipped husband, Peter Sr. had a fight after the show because-- in Spanish (they are from Cuba)-- she asked her husband to say something bad about Madison.

Wow! You were mic-ed up. Duh! Plus, a lot of us speak Spanish these days. Busted!

On top of all of this, instead of supporting her son-- Satan's Sister has invited past contestant Kelley out to lunch and "shopping" with her. Because she's better for Peter than Madison.

Madison-- run. Peter is not good enough for you, plus you can see your miserable future as their DIL.

Peter-- you're 28 with a full time job. Move out of your parent's house and get off your momma's teet.

Barb-- STFU

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Not What You Think

11/29/2019

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Offenders for the week ending November 29, 2019:

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#3 TERESA GUIDICE, Real Housewives of New Jersey reality TV star

You'd think that after going to jail for nearly 15 months for some shady money dealings, girlfriend would've learned to walk a straight line. She's been hit with a $13,000 tax lien. That's in addition to the $73,000 she owes the IRS. Surely fighting your hubby's deportation has been costly, but you still need to take care of business. The government takes its time in getting you that refund, but immediately wants the money you owe. Isn't Bravo paying you enough? And all that shilling you do on the social media?

Pay. Yo. Bills.

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#2 JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

WTF J.T.? Two-timing your wife, who says she's too sexy to get any acting jobs? Justin was spotted holding hands and getting schnuggie with Alisha Wainwright at a bar in New Orleans. The two are co-starring in the film Palmer. Sources say JT was a little crunk and was holding hands with Alisha for support. That's all. Mmmkay...

"Several cast members were there and it was just a cast gathering. Nothing remotely romantic is going on with Justin and Alisha. The whole cast is shooting out there and like to hang out together. They were very much in public and nothing inappropriate was happening."

Yeah. Not at the bar. Doth protest-eth too much...

So the leg-stroking on her part was an ancient hangover cure? Oh, and he must've left his wedding ring somewhere...

Guess he's vringin' SexyBack (to the back door?)

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#1 BILL COSBY

For the record, he's not sorry for sexually assaulting Andrea Constand because he never did it-- therefore, no remorse. In his first jailhouse interview he said:

"That whole jury thing. They were impostors."

Okay. He believes jurors had already made up their minds before hearing testimony. Oh, and he believes he's going to serve all 10 years behind bars (he's 82) because the parole board is:

"... not going to hear me say that I have remorse."

So what you're saying is you're not the one who drugged a slew of women and assaulted them? Or are you saying someone else framed you by using your "pudding pop" to assault them. What a frame job. Pfffft. It's amazing how a P.O.S. can believe their own lies. And that includes your stupid, enabling, equally rape-y wife.

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Unfollowed & Unforgiven

11/15/2019

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Offenders for the week ending November 15, 2019:

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#3 MILEY CYRUS

As well all know by now, Miley has split from her husband, Liam Hemsworth, moved on to some chick named Kaitlyn, and is now partnered with Cody Simpson. Yes, we're getting itchy just thinking about it. But this latest tidbit has landed The Virus back on the list. Miley was reportedly devastated when Liam unfollowed her on Instagram. Yup. Not the whole getting-divorced-is-crushing. A source said:

"She thought somehow they would find their way back to each other and she was holding onto that, but then Liam unfollowed her and that was his way of saying it's really done. Yeah, Liam is not turning back. After all that's been happening with her, she had been distracting herself from it all but now she is really feeling it. It's quite sad."

Boo-effin'-hoo. This is the same chick that took shots at her ex on social media, alluding to some alleged cheating on his part. Methinks now she was just getting back at him for the nasty, rude, heartless UNFOLLOW.

Perhaps you should be more concerned with who follows who in your coochie...

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#2 ABC NEWS & JOEY BUTTAFUOCO

Like a pimple that keeps coming back, you'd think this insult to men and Italians world-round would've disappeared for good. But, no.... Thanks to ABC and its upcoming "Growing Up Buttafuoco" special, we get to re-live the infamous 1992 incident that was milked for TV movies, TV appearances, books, and more.

If you don't recall, 17-year-old Amy Fisher shot Joey's wife Mary Jo in the face in Long Island, New York. Butthead went to jail for six months for statutory rape of Amy. Meanwhile, Amy served time for attempted murder. And Mary Jo suffered from facial paralysis and ear damage from the attack.

With this special, we get to hear from Jessie Buttafuoco-- who was 9-years-old at the time of the attack. Like we really need her perspective?

First off, ABC-- out of ideas for stories? Especially since it's the 27th anniversary. Couldn't wait til the 30th anniversary.

Secondly, Buttaf*cko-- nobody wants to hear from you, nor feels sorry for your lack of wang control and skeevy ways.

P.S. I keep thinking of that SNL skit with Jan Hooks pronouncing Buttafuoco "Butt-uh-foo-oh-co...

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#1 JIM EDMONDS

Who knew this former star baseball player was such a giant douchesniffer!?!? Guess his divorce to his current wife is getting extra ugly as he called police to question her ability to care for their kids after her girls' nite out.

Damn!

"Meghan came home from being out with friends and she had a couple glasses of wine. It was the first time Jim stayed at her house and put the kids to sleep since he filed for divorce, so she met up with friends. She didn't drive...She was washing her face when she heard someone knock around 10:30 pm. An officer was there with Jim and told her Jim said he was worried she couldn't care for the kids."

Meghan was deemed fit by officers. Meanwhile, put your bully bat away Jimmy. You filed for divorce. You want her out of your life.

Jim claimed he was just trying to "protect the situation." K. Didn't you mean, change-your-mind-and-spin-it? This from the guy with an inappropriate relationship with the nanny. This from the guy who sent inappropriate text messages to some rando. But they were non-"rooster" pics, allegedly. Who knows. Maybe at this point it looks like a dried-up drumstick from KFC, so...

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Daddy Gyno

11/8/2019

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Offenders for the week ending November 8, 2019:

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#3 KYLIE JENNER & DRAKE

Love can be complicated. And messy. But when you have a connection with someone... Kylie thinks she and Drake are an item. A source said:

"Kylie and Drake's friendship did take a romantic turn recently. At his Halloween party, they were affectionate and clearly there together... He also showed up to Kendall's birthday."

A source close to Drake, though, said the two aren't an item. Perhaps just a rebound for Drake? Kylie, don't be that chick. And Drake, are you slump-busting after losing JLo?

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#2 EMMA WATSON

I'm getting weary of people creating phrases for things and situations that already exist just to soften the blow of life or to protect one's precious, fragile psyche. I'm talking to you, Emma. She's single. And she's loving it. Wait. I didn't mean to use the word "single".

"I never believed the whole 'I'm happy single' spiel. I was like, 'This is totally spiel.' It took me a long time, but I'm very happy... I call it being self-partnered."

Sigh. Whatevs. It's still being SINGLE. Well, don't self-partner too long of you'll go blind...

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#1 RAPPER T.I.

The rapper is beyond wanting dudes to "wrap it up" for safe sex. He's all about the I'm-taking-you-to-the-gyno method. He's catching a lot of heat on social media for revealing that he takes his daughter to the gyno every year after her birthday. He's been doing this since she turned 16. She's now 18. Hey-- he just wants to make sure the hy-hy is intact. Which he thinks ensures her virginity....

"Right after her birthday, we celebrate, then usually like the day after the party, she's enjoying the gifts, I put a sticky note on the door: 'Tomorrow. 9:30.'"

I. Can't. Even. Look, the thought of your little girl doing the deed and perhaps getting preggo or some disease is worrisome. What isn't cool, is taking your child to the doctor to be humiliated and most likely embarrassed about all things "southern hemisphere." Fortunately, she's 18. So technically, she doesn't need to tell you boo about her hoo hoo. Anyways, what were to happen if she "failed" the exam? You'd kick her out of the house? Cut her out of your will? Way to give someone a stigma...

We need to foster healthy convo about sex. Not this Handmaid's Tale let's-all-look-at-your-crotch b.s. What's the plan for the wedding? The good ol' Old World Tradition of showing everyone the bed sheet after she consummates her union?

I'm thinking T.I. stands for "Total Idiot".

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Two Balls & One Sack

11/1/2019

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Offenders for the week ending November 1, 2019:

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#3 JUSTIN BIEBER

He still has fans. A lot of fans. He promised to release a new album if his Instagram post got some love:

"If this gets 20 million likes Justin Bieber will release an album before Christmas."

Errr... did Justin refer to himself in third person? #douchemove

He's "recently had a burst of creativity" (lucky for us), but said he has no plans of touring cuz he did all that when he was a teenager and hated it. So...

How 'bout if this week's slap list gets a million "likes" you'll leave the U.S. for realzies...

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#2 ANDY COHEN & TERESA GIUDICE

The O.G. of Bravo TV got first dibs on interviewing Teresa and Joe Giudice-- the legal-embattled-marriage-is-sketchy couple from the Real Housewives of New Jersey. After serving his 41-month prison term for fraud, Joe was deported to Italy recently because he never became a U.S. citizen. Teresa has been on her own after serving her 15-month prison term. The two hadn't spoken in years. But then Andy stirred the pot. By recalling a prediction former castmate Caroline Manzo made many years ago: That someone (Joe) would be going away and that Teresa would divorce Joe and show her girls how to be strong.

Slap for Teresa: for thinking and speaking out loud that you think Caroline ratted you out to the FBI because she (Caroline) has lived "that dark life". Whatever that means. Stop blaming others for your shizz. Own up to it. Even your probably-gonna-be-ex husband said he knows who ratted and it wasn't Caroline.

Slap for Andy: you should've defended Caroline. She's not a criminal. She's just a truth-preaching bulldog. Your lack of fruit bowl power won't help you woo her back to the franchise.

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#1 JIM EDMONDS

It wasn't surprising when news of the former baseballer and his Real Housewives of Orange County wifey announced their split. Watching their relationship on the show (when the were cast members) was painful. She was definitely his trophy wife who was struggling to co-parent his teen daughter. But she wanted babies of her own with Jim. He agreed, but wasn't around for her IVF treatments. All seemed a bit better when their first child was born, but then came the stories of his sexting other women and other dalliances while she was preggo with their twins.

And now, Meghan accuses her Jim of extra-curricular play time with the nanny. But which one? They have four nannies and an live-in au pair. That's a lot to choose from...

It's hard to feel sorry for you Meghan. Not saying cheating is cool, cuz it's not. But dude has had two other wives? And he's on the road all the time for his job? And he's a former pro athlete?

Now, Jim vows to make things right with Meghan because she's a wonderful woman. How will you make things right? You're incapable.

1 + 1 + 1 = his bat will be a swingin' for the honey fences whenever he gets the chance... And Jim, your on-the-road-former-star-status is not a Pootie Hall Pass.

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Cloudy with a 100% Chance of Miley

10/25/2019

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Offenders for the week ending October 25, 2019:

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#3 ALWAYS

The former feminine hygiene product is no longer femme-only. Because the brand removed the female-face symbol on its packaging as to include everyone. First of all, I didn't even know there was a "face" on the packaging. That's not my main concern when choosing such products. Secondly, Always has been on my personal slap list for their out-of-touch marketing. Like the slogan:

"Have a happy period."

Nope. Not one time have I ever been excited about the bloating, the bleeding, the soccer game going on in my uterus every 21 days. Never.

Hey, Always. It's great you're including everyone (maybe dudes can shove one between their butt cheeks when Taco Tuesday goes awry.) But now that everyone's included, can we make the price more reasonable?

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#2 PRINCE HARRY AND PRINCE WILLIAM

I never imagined I would ever slap these two (unless it was during some royal fantasy play), but here they are. We all know that family members don't always get along all the time. But it makes me sad these boys have drifted apart. Prince Harry said:

"Part of this role and part of this job, this family, being under the pressure that it's under, inevitably stuff happens. But look, we're brothers, we'll always be brothers. We're certainly on different paths at the moment but I'll always be there for him and as I know he'll always be there for me."

Oh, come on! And by the by, moving to Africa with Meghs won't help the rift. The two of you should know how quickly life can be gone. So, put your b.s. aside and meet me in my dreams! Er, put your b.s. aside and hug it out and then do good for the Crown and the world-- together.

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#1 MILEY CYRUS

She had avoided the slap hand for a while. And now she's back topping the list for a second week in a row. Remember how she wanted privacy during the rough patch after her breakup from her hubs Liam Hemsworth? Whelp, guess it's time to spill that tea. Because this cooch sore is having all her feelings through Insta Live with her current Wang of the Week, Cody Simpson:

"There are good men out there, guys, don't give up. You don't have to be gay, there are good people with dicks out there, you've just got to find them. You've got to find a dick that's not a dick, you know? I always thought I had to be gay, because I thought all guys were evil, but it's not true. There are good people out there that just happen to have dicks. I've only ever met one, and he's on this live."

Classy.

So much here. The insults to gay folk. The insults to the male gender. And the insults to Liam-- who has remained calm and quiet through all of this. Perhaps he had grown tired of Hurricane Virus.

You epitomize everything that is wrong with celebrity. Two weeks in a row for this tw*t waffle....

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A Match Made in Hell

10/11/2019

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Offenders for the week ending October 11, 2019:

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#3 RONNIE ORTIZ-MAGRO

The Jersey Shore star and his girlfriend Jen Harley have been on-again-off-again, and it's best that these two keep the switch off. These two are the definition of toxic. So, props for trying to keep your family together (yes, they reproduced), but it's now time to part ways permanently. Ronnie was arrested after allegedly threatening Jen with a knife after they shared a kiss and made an appearance at his CBD launch party.

"Suspect and victim were involved in some kind of physical altercation... Officers had to use a taser (on Ronnie)."

Dude has been in-and-out of rehab. And now he faces 5-7 years if convicted. I thought CBD was supposed to be calming... Oh, if it's not mixed with drugs that cause you to act like a complete asshat.

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#2 KHLOE KARDASHIAN

Why? Why do you want to reconcile with that cheating douchebag ex of yours, Tristan Thompson?!? Yes, you have a daughter that you're trying to raise together. Kudos. But he's lower than a snake in the grass. He's a snake lookin' for ass 24/7!

"Tristan has showed more of an interest. He seems to want more than co-parent with Khloe. It seems Khloe has moments when she is toying with the idea of getting back with Tristan."

You've forgotten he cheated on you with your sister's best friend?

Don't. Do. It. Because before you know it, his ball(s) will be in someone else's court...

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#1 JUSTIN BIEBER AND HAILEY BALDWIN

So, Justin has continued to proven his Christ-like ways and maturity... not! Once a spoiled nut fungus always a spoiled nut fungus. His manager has been in a very public feud with Taylor Swift. Justin has publicly defended him. By taking shots at Taylor. True to form. But instead of keeping his mouth shut and moving on, he must now continue to take shots at Tay Tay.

Taylor posted a video of herself having a post-surgery meltdown. Whatevs. Justin decided to videotape himself mocking her. You can hear his wifey poo poo laughing while recording. Of course, Tay fans were not happy with this. A day later, Hailey apologized. But not really:

"I never knew I could make somebody so upset. Truly, I'm so sorry you're THIS upset!?! Lord have mercy I hope I'm never this upset about someone I don't know!!"

Uhmmm, fans are rabid about their people. Just as some will defend you two idiots. The point is, you two speak of "love" and "no hate", but you two are petty bottom feeders with a lot of money and zero class.

These two taint hairs are meant for each other. Two soulmates in hell.

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Face Off

10/4/2019

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Offenders for the week ending October 4, 2019:

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#3 R KELLY

This dude is so delusional and really believes he is above the law and so out of touch... wait, I lost my train of thought for a sec. Oh, yeah. This alleged pedophile/sexual abuser/dbag-extraordinaire requested bond from a New York judge because he really misses his two live-in girlfriends. See, it's hard livin' behind bars. Because he can only see one live-in at a time in 90 days . Sigh. Nevermind that you're charged in a racketeering scheme to sexually abuse girls in New York... while you're facing similar charges in Chicago.

Perhaps you should take this time behind bars to allow someone to violate you into silence. And not breathing our good air... Just a suggestion.

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#2 STACEY DASH

Stace. What in the af has happened to you? You present yourself as this polished babe, well-spoken and well-versed... but now, you've joined the Celebrity Mugshot Hall of Fame. The actress, best known for her role in Clueless, may be clueless herself. She was arrested after a domestic incident at her home, which resulted in scratches on her hubby's arms.

She claims any marks were the result of self-defense, because he tried to choke her. And she claims he forced their kids to lie about the incident. Oh, her hubs is a lawyer. That's bad news. And... she told a judge she's indigent and can't afford a proper lawyer...

Sounds like the plot of a Lifetime movie.

As if...

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#1 AARON CARTER

As if allegedly threatening to kill your brother and his pregnant wife weren't enough-- why not complete your downward spiral (part 531) with a face tattoo?

Nothing says "I'm a loser" more than a mutha stinkin' face tat. I'm sure he thinks he's all deep and self-aware since his half-face-tat is that of Greek mythological monster Medusa. It covers his jaw, cheek, cheekbone, temple and a small area under his eye. Oh, and in case you didn't know-- Aaron is all that and a bag of chips. He social media-ed a pic with this caption:

"I'M THE BIGGEST THING IN MUSIC RIGHT NOW. I CANT BE DENIED. FACT CHECK ME."

Uhm, thanks for SCREAMING at us your tale of LIES. The "biggest thing"? Are you referring to your ween, cuz methinks not. Or are you meaning that you're the biggest JOKE. Because when was your last "hit"? I just "fact-checked" your chart history. "Aaron's Party" topped out at #35 on Billboard, while "That's How I Beat Shaq" reached a high of #96. In 2001.

Girl, bye.

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Mani Above All Else

9/27/2019

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Offenders for the week ending September 27, 2019:

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#3 ASHTON KUTCHER

Demi Moore has written a scathing autobiography, and girl is spillin' all the tea! In fact, she blames threesomes for her divorce from Ashton Kutcher:

"I wanted to show him how great and fun I could be."

Uhmmm... there are other ways to show your "fun side". Guess Ashton used the three-play as a free pass to cheat. You know, since he technically "cheated" in said threesome.

Demi, you get slapped for a poor decision. Ashton, you get slapped for being an asshat.

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#2 MILEY CYRUS

What in the af are you doing? You break up your marriage with the person you considered to be your best chance at "for life" partner status for Kaitlynn Carter-- only to break up with her a month later. I could care less if you love a man, a woman, a sheep. But you're irresponsible with your vaj. breaking hearts and spanking asses ain't the way to live-- unless you're a dominatrix. Weren't you a dom at one point? Anywho, guess this is no longer true:

"Miley and Kaitlynn are on the same page, which is why they work so well together. (Miley) can totally be herself with Kaitlynn."

Rumor has it that things were getting too serious and Miley didn't want that. Please, Cyrus Virus. Seal that vault between your legs.

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#1 KIM KARDASHIAN

When they call childbirth a "miracle" it's because it is. Because so many things can go wrong for conception to world entry. But, some people are too superficial and shallow to think-- at all. It came out recently that Kimmie delayed her first child's birth by two hours because she needed to get a manicure. What in the af?!?

While eating a McGriddle and getting a bikini wax, her doc called her and said she had to deliver North immediately because Kim had preeclampsia. But then she looked down at her nails and just couldn't deliver her baby in such sub-fab conditions!

"And my nails were, like, dark. It was when I was still in my Lincoln Park After Dark phase of nails or like my Burgundy nails. And I was like, 'Oh, no no, I'm having a girl. I really need a nice light pink nail for delivery.' So I told the doctor, 'Are you sure I have to deliver right now? Can you give me like two hours?' And he was like, 'Fine, meet me in two hours.'"

I mean, we get it. Your appearance is far more important than your health or your baby's. NOT! Who the f*ck is looking at your hands during delivery!?!?!? And since you're the queen of Photoshop, one of your lackey's could've changed your nail color.

Not only is this true-life story completely asinine, but you have no clue at what a vapid dumbass you really are.

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Aaron's (Pitiful) Party

9/20/2019

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Offenders for the week ending September 20th, 2019:

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#3 50 CENT

Yo, Fiddy. Why u beefin' still with reality TV star LaLa Kent? We understand your real beef is with her fiancee, movie producer Randall Emmett. So why not go after him? Or is this like mob mentality where you go after what your enemy cares about the most? Sigh. Anywho, LaLa addressed this stupid feud on a recent TV appearance, so 50 decided to take to social media and make some memes out of some of her pictures, like:

"Shut up b*tch. You started with the wrong person good night"

Eloquent. But this is so much eloquent-er:

"Rise in shine puffy face. It's gym time but I'm sure your having a hangover. Welp. Here's to life buck O. LOL"

First, check yo grammar before you check someone. Next, must we make fun of a person who has publicly admitted they have struggled with the sauce?

Boo. Why don't you just sue her man to get your money back? Guess you need some beef to remind us you had some hits back in the day. Like, last decade.

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#2 WENDY WILLIAMS

I've never liked this woman one bit. Overrated. Bitter. Nasty. What sucks is that she has a forum in which to sling the mud-- without proof. Yes, we all have opinions about stuff-- but she has chronic diarrhea of the mouth. Somebody get this *B* some Imodium. Or a mouth plug.

Iconic beauty Christie Brinkley had to back out of the latest installment of Dancing With the Stars. Because she broke her arm while rehearsing, The injury required surgery, a metal plate, and screws. There's even photographic evidence of said injury. But Wendy doesn't buy it:

"... that looked fake as hell. Let me tell you what I see. What I see is a 65-year-old hot stuff who looks like if you were going to fracture anything, you should have said the tailbone. I don't see a wrist and a shoulder being fractured, but that was real cute."

In Wendy World, this is all a part of a nefarious plot for Christie to get her model daughter, Sailor on the show. Which has happened.

Well, methinks Wendy would know about fake. Have you see that weave of hers?

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#1 AARON CARTER

Proving that fame and meager fortune doesn't make your life perfect, Aaron has been a hot mess since birth. No, seriously. The former teen pop star has had troubles with substances and the law. And now, his kinda-more successful brother-- Nick-- has filed a restraining order against him. Why? Oh, you know. That whole threatening-to-kill-his-pregnant-wife thing:

"In light of Aaron's increasingly alarming behavior and his recent confession that he harbors thoughts and intentions of killing my pregnant wife and unborn child, we were left no choice but to take every measure possible to protect ourselves and our family. We love our brother and truly hope he gets the proper treatment he needs before any harm comes to himself or anyone else."

Yikes! Meanwhile, Aaron says he hasn't even seen his brother or sister in over four years, so nobody's really gonna get hurt. Aaron dropped this on social media:

"Take care. We're done for life."

He's another shining example of how drugs are bad. Let's just say we've experienced his destructive behavior many moons ago...

Look, Aaron. You're only 32. You still have time to unf&ck your life!

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Monster Mom

Not What You Think

Unfollowed & Unforgiven

Daddy Gyno

Two Balls & One Sack

Cloudy with a 100% Chance of Miley

A Match Made in Hell

Face Off

Mani Above All Else

Aaron's (Pitiful) Party

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