Offenders for the week of June 15, 2015:
This week we assign our Slapees new names based on their offense...
"Can we rename the show Full Fifth House?"
#3 JOHN STAMOS
OFFENSE: Dumb
Our favorite Greek dish is in trouble with the law. He was pulled over for speeding and taken to the hospital for medical attention, where it was discovered that he did not have a 'condition', but was instead-- drunk. Boo. Things are on a complete upswing for your career with this "Full House" reboot. Stop acting like an idiot!
Come on, Uncle Jessie! You're a grown man-- learn to control your consumption! Get it together or your ass is gonna be flamed like an order of Saganaki!
New name: Ralph "Stoli" Stolichnaya... cuz I suspect you'd be hurlin' after a libation session.
OFFENSE: Dumb
Our favorite Greek dish is in trouble with the law. He was pulled over for speeding and taken to the hospital for medical attention, where it was discovered that he did not have a 'condition', but was instead-- drunk. Boo. Things are on a complete upswing for your career with this "Full House" reboot. Stop acting like an idiot!
Come on, Uncle Jessie! You're a grown man-- learn to control your consumption! Get it together or your ass is gonna be flamed like an order of Saganaki!
New name: Ralph "Stoli" Stolichnaya... cuz I suspect you'd be hurlin' after a libation session.
"I sing and stuff... mostly stuff."
#2 KYLIE JENNER
OFFENSE: Delusional
Why oh why do famous folk feel the need to sing? Or shall I say, attempt to sing? Kylie fancies herself a songbird. In fact, she's taking vocal lessons and working on a 'secret' album with her man Tyga. There are so many truly talented, struggling musicians amongst us-- but obviously we need to hear whatever drivel she has to offer (Sense the sarcasm?) But-- Kylie is serious, and her mommy Kris says she has a lot of talent!
Break out the auto tune, which is par for the course, considering most things on her are fake anyways.
Stick to your strength-- being Tyga's oral archivist.
New name: Pink-lipped Booby Bird... cuz I think your "southern" lips might sound more compelling.
OFFENSE: Delusional
Why oh why do famous folk feel the need to sing? Or shall I say, attempt to sing? Kylie fancies herself a songbird. In fact, she's taking vocal lessons and working on a 'secret' album with her man Tyga. There are so many truly talented, struggling musicians amongst us-- but obviously we need to hear whatever drivel she has to offer (Sense the sarcasm?) But-- Kylie is serious, and her mommy Kris says she has a lot of talent!
Break out the auto tune, which is par for the course, considering most things on her are fake anyways.
Stick to your strength-- being Tyga's oral archivist.
New name: Pink-lipped Booby Bird... cuz I think your "southern" lips might sound more compelling.
"I don't even have DNA results to prove I'm human..."
#1 RACHEL DOLEZAL
OFFENSE: Deviant
I don't even know where to begin with this creature-- the former Spokane, Washington, NAACP leader. You may 'identify' as an African-American, but you truly are not a minority. Try living your life faced with discrimination and name-calling by some. It's an insult to us who have actually had to live a life outside the majority.
Sure, you may have done some good in your role at the NAACP. But bottom line: you're a filthy liar. And you've soiled any good you've done with your issues. You've lied at every turn, and made other people complicit in your scheme. Toolbag. As they would say in your borrowed African-American culture: Bye, Felicia.
New name: Precious Pinocchio... maybe you can 'identify' with this mashup of the Oscar-award winning movie and the historical fictional fibber.
OFFENSE: Deviant
I don't even know where to begin with this creature-- the former Spokane, Washington, NAACP leader. You may 'identify' as an African-American, but you truly are not a minority. Try living your life faced with discrimination and name-calling by some. It's an insult to us who have actually had to live a life outside the majority.
Sure, you may have done some good in your role at the NAACP. But bottom line: you're a filthy liar. And you've soiled any good you've done with your issues. You've lied at every turn, and made other people complicit in your scheme. Toolbag. As they would say in your borrowed African-American culture: Bye, Felicia.
New name: Precious Pinocchio... maybe you can 'identify' with this mashup of the Oscar-award winning movie and the historical fictional fibber.
PHOTO CREDITS:
John Stamos https://www.flickr.com/photos/hyku/
Kylie Jenner https://www.flickr.com/photos/disneyabc/
Rachel Dolezal https://www.flickr.com/photos/cameraguy105c10/
John Stamos https://www.flickr.com/photos/hyku/
Kylie Jenner https://www.flickr.com/photos/disneyabc/
Rachel Dolezal https://www.flickr.com/photos/cameraguy105c10/
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