Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

Tastes Like Chicken

1/22/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending January 22, 2021:

#3 OLIVIA WILDE

Girlfriend. What in the af are you doing? Throwing away your long-term relationship and family for some fresh wiener... Olivia dumped her fiance, Jason Sudeikis, for singer/actor(?) Harry Styles. I mean, good for you that Harry likes older women (she's 10 years his senior), but to walk from a 9-year relationship cuz you're all smitten with some young bloke you met while on the set of a movie? Pffft. You have two young children with Jason-- who's sadly still believing you'll come back. Look, Harry's stroked your ego and you've stroked his... harry. So... wake up! There will be a time when Harry will tire of your 9 pm bedtime and diaper change.

I get it. It's like having veal. That young, tender meat. It's all delicious and fulfilling until you realize you actually like steak. And then you'll want to go back to steak, and then you'll find all your belongings on the front lawn...

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#2 WENDY WILLIAMS

I don't understand this big mouth's popularity. Because I assume if you still have a TV show, people like you? Wendy strikes me as the type of person you don't want to ever know. Because she's POS-y. A lot. Her brother outed her for not attending their mother's funeral, instead, opting to go to lunch with her ex-husband.

"I don't understand not giving a salute to the one person who was always there and showed you support. How can you not go to the funeral and hold up the one parent and family members you have left?"

Ouch. She did go to the wake. Doesn't that count? Well, Wendy decided to unleash on her brother, publicly:

"... let me tell you something right now. All you are is my brother. You better stop talking the way you're talking, because now it's dripping into my (TV show) comment page. He's pegging me to be a person I'm not. Honey, you don't want me to start pegging you to be the person that you are, with full-blown receipts. I could fill the audience with receipts. By the way, do you like my dress, Tommy? He would like a dress like this... "

So, you want to out your brother as a cross-dresser because you didn't go to your mom's funeral? One's an action, the other is one's identity. Perhaps he's only "a brother" to you because you suck.

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#1 ARMIE HAMMER

This dude. He's been living in denial-ish after some scandalous and scary DMs were leaked, revealing his penchant for cannibalism. Yes. For real. He just admitted that a burner Instagram account, which showed revealing pictures of Armie and drug tests and bikini babes-- is his. He made some comments about Miss Cayman Islands, alluding to some intimate knowledge of her, but then confessed he doesn't even know her and was just trying to be funny. Okay. But are you just trying to be funny about your carnivorous desires? This from his ex-mistress:

Paraphrasing: I want to break and barbecue one of your ribs...

And this DM he sent to one his, whatevers:

"You just live to obey and be my slave. If I wanted to cut off one of your toes and keep it with me in my pocket so I always had a piece of you in my possession..."

There's letting your freak flag fly, and then there's Hannibal Lecter... If these stories aren't true, why did you back out of your latest film?

Maybe there'll be another "Silence of the Lambs" reboot and he can star... Hopefully, dude will never open a restaurant. Wouldn't want to know what the secret ingredient is...

Cockodile Tears

12/18/2020

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending December 18th, 2020:

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#3 JIM EDMONDS & MEGHAN KING

These two are complete idiots. And sadly, they've reproduced. The feuding exes can't keep their drama off of social media. From accusing each other of loose morals, to an accusation of purposely exposing family to COVID, to being abusive, and now this. Jim is claiming his ex-to-be is a filthy P-I-G. In a video he posted, he said:

"Today's the big day. I got my house back. Tenants (your family, Jim) moved out, and I get to clean it up and put it up for sale. Hopefully somebody cleaned it up a little bit, but we will see."

Video shows the house not as tidy as one would expect, with bags of stuff left behind, fingerprints on the appliances, and... poop in the toilet.

Sigh.

Flush it-- like your marriage, girlfriend. It's understandable that this has been a bitter divorce. Jim was not there for you when you finally got pregnant, and then one of your children has medical needs. But lashing out publicly is not a good look-- even if he's doing that to you. Both of you STFU permanently.

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#2 PEREZ HILTON

The celeb blogger took to YouTube to cry literal tears because he's been permanently banned from TikTok. Literal tears. Over a social media platform! He says his:

"World is crumbling."

Really, asshat? The real world is crumbling before us. A pandemic. Civil unrest brewing. People losing their jobs. And you're a grown ass man. A 42-year-old man who's begging TikTok's most popular personality, Charli D'Amelio to help you get back in TikTok's good graces!?!? And you don't know why people are comin' for ya and reporting your content? Your memory is slipping, perhaps. Earlier this year, you took a shot at Ms. D'Amelio. The 15-year-old...

"Anyone else think it's inappropriate for a 15-year-old to dance to this?"

She was dancing to "Sugar" by Brockhamtpon while wearing a bikini. And since Charli has 100+ million followers, they got a little angry. And mobilized to cancel you.

Don't snark unless you can handle retaliation.

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#1 SHIA LABEOUF

I really don't know why this dude is even a celebrity in the first place. Your acting is meh. Your looks are meh. And your humanity is subpar. One of his former girlfriends, FKA Twigs, is suing Shia, accusing him of emotional, physical, and psychological abuse, and-- knowingly giving her an STD.

During a Valentine's Day trip last year, FKA claims that Shia repeatedly got angry with her, drove recklessly, and threatened to crash the car if she didn't say that she loved him. Later at a gas station, he allegedly threw her against the car, screamed in her face, and forced her back in the car. Former girlfriend Karolyn Pho said Shia once drunkenly headbutted her and pinned her to the bed. Both ladies say that he was extremely jealous and didn't like them to look at waiters at restaurants, and had rules about how many times a day they had to touch him.

His response? He denied many of the allegations, but...

"I'm not in a position to tell anyone how my behavior made them feel. I have no excuses for my alcoholism or aggression, or any rationalizations. I have been abusive to myself and everyone around me for years. I have a history of hurting the people closest to me. I'm ashamed of that history and am sorry to those I hurt. There is nothing else I can really say."

Yet, you continue this said pattern. And yes, you've been to "rehab". But apparently, it hasn't worked. Probably because you really don't care. Empty words from you, again. Because a guy who's remorseful doesn't get photographed with a face mask that reads: "Love me like you hate me."

Eff. Off.

I've said it once, I'll say it again because it's 100: Your name most def should be changed to Shia LeDouche. You're just a ginormous POS.

Malik the Dee-ck

12/11/2020

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending December 11th, 2020:

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#3 OLIVIA JADE GIANNULLI

The YouTube influencer (-ish) has broken her silence over her parents conviction in the Operation Varsity Blues scandal. She chose Jada Pinkett-Smith's Red Table Talk to share her innermost emotions, because she felt "safe" there (insert eye roll). She said that at the time of the scandal:

"When it first happened I didn't look at it and say, 'Oh my God like how dare we do this?' I was like, 'Why is everybody complaining? I was confused what we did.' That's embarrassing to admit."

That you're such a dumbass that you didn't know it was wrong to have your parents (Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli) pay $500 thousand to fake your resume and get you into USC? It's apparent you have no brains and no moral compass. Seems like, someone didn't teach you right from wrong. And you really have no clue how the real world works. Yeah. Listening to you ramble on about how sorry you are was vomit-inducing.

Look. You're not sorry. Because we got the receipts of how mad you were at your parents when the scandal broke because they ruined your life and that you lost endorsements... Waaaaah! But... she's turned over a new leaf, y'all. She says she's working with inner city youth, and plans to continue working with underprivileged kids moving forward.

Gonna pay their way into a top-notch school? Cuz methinks you're not a good example for any human. And.... can you be anymore cliche. "Working with underprivileged kids" just glares an even bigger spotlight on your privilege.

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#2 LARSA PIPPEN

Why are you out so much? Because it's your season-- ho, ho, ho-bag! This tone-deaf trollop keeps posting stupid shizz on social media. After basically telling everyone to STFU about that picture of her holding hands with married NBA player Malik Beasley-- because we don't know the story, she's posting her sympathies to those "dealing with heartache." Oh, you mean like Montana Yao-- Malik's wife. Are you praying for her, too?

"God, I pray for healing & comfort for anyone dealing with heartache. I pray that they find refuge in You in the midst of their pain. May You continue to give them the strength to keep going. To push through these dark moments & know You are with them every step of the way."

Wow. Bitch, sit down! And please stop bringing God into your trampdom.

What's next? Are you gonna play the victim and say that Malik lied to you and said what? That he and his wife were on the outs? So it's okay to wang tango with him? And you wonder why the drama-loving Kardashians want nothing to do with you... you give messy a bad look.

P.S. Close your legs to married men-- especially those as old as your son. Vurp.

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#1 MALIK BEASLEY

The NBA baller was perhaps balls-deep in Larsa Pippen. That's bad enough. Because of the whole "I'm married". But what's more repulsive is that this low-life cheating poon chaser kicked his wife and their 2-year-old son out of the family home. Why? Because his wife dared file for divorce because he was caught cheating. Montana Yao took to social media to say:

"(We) were told to leave our family home ten days ago, and just like you all, I'm pretty confused."

The victim getting shamed because she stood up for herself and their child. It's one thing to be a complete ween to your spouse... but to throw out your own flesh and blood? There aren't enough bad things that could happen to you to make up for this. We could start with ripping your balls off, setting them ablaze, and shoving them up your ass... then throwing salt on your wounds. Sounds so magical...

You're exactly the kind of wasted genetic material that gives men a bad rep. Take his card back, gents! Toss him out of your "club" called manhood.

Stronger

12/4/2020

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending November 20th, 2020:

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#3 JAKE PAUL

A YouTubeTw&t on the list...

He fancies himself an athlete, after defeating former NBA player Nate Robinson in a recent boxing match. It was a knockout, even. And... Jake was already injured when he entered the ring. He had a broken nose. What a tough guy! First of all, it looked like Nate flopped. Second, why not box someone that's an equal physical match? Oh.... cuz you might get your pimply ass handed to you.

This ginormous d-bag is now challenging Conor McGregor to a match.

HA HA HA! Is it possible to punch someone's teeth out through their butthole?

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#2 ISABELLA ROSE

Who dis, you ask? She's one of the demon spawn of disgraced actress Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli. You know, the parents that bribed people to get their two dumbass daughters into college. Well, mommy and daddy are serving their prison sentences right now, and Isabella (a YouTube influencer) is overcome with grief that she needed a getaway. A very expensive weekend away at the five-star Rosewood Miramar Hotel in Santa Barbara. She was spotted with a male friend, frolicking on the beach, while sporting a cutesy sweatshirt with the phrase:

"Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?"

Your level of hotness is quite subjective. #yourfacelookslikemymentrualcramps

And, way to keep a low profile-- considering you're too stupid to get into college on your own merits. Oh! And way to not respect your parents-- even though they were also stupid enough to actually bribe someone in the first place.

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#1 BRANDON BLACKSTOCK

This guy is Kelly Clarkson's soon-to-be ex-husband. And the sooner, the better. Not only did he blindside her with wanting a divorce, he wants a sh&t ton of her money. While Kelly gets a win in her category regarding custody of their two children, this pube flosser wants $436 thousand a month in spousal/child support. Even though Kelly has primary physical custody, and he has to travel to L.A. for his three weekends a month. What does he need all that support for? Plus, he has the stones to ask for $2 million in attorneys' fees (he has 7 lawyers)!

Eat. A. Steamy. Bag. Of. Warted. Weens.

These two have a pre-nup, so I don't know what else he thinks he should be getting here... He needs a kick to the head, for one thing.

Kelly's former manager is Brandon's dad. Then Brandon became her manager. Girl.... you should've seen this was all kinds of shady. Plus, there's that saying: "Don't shit where you eat".

As sung in your own words: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Practice What You Preach

11/20/2020

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending November 20th, 2020:

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#3 MEGHAN KING AND JIM EDMONDS, Real Housewives of Orange County former castmember; baseball dude

These two assh&les actually give the physical anatomy a bad name. It's obvious this soon-to-be-divorced couple hate each other. Loathe may be a better word. But their loathing is even beyond that. Jim Edmonds may have been a baseball "legend", but he's more legendary at being a horrible, cheating spouse. (Way to bang the nanny!) And Meghan is a self-righteous, sanctimonious princess who really, really needs to eat a sandwich.

Jim had COVID a while back. And now Meghan has it. But one of Jim's daughters from another disastrous marriage is claiming the Meghan intentionally exposed the entire Edmonds family-- including Meghan's own kids-- to COVID. I would like to think no one would use this as a weapon on anybody else, but... some people have ill intentions. Anywho, everyone's airing their dirty shorts because that's the thing to do. I hope these two "adults" never reproduce again. With anyone. But thanks for the messiness. Because we all feel better about our awesome lives compared to yours.

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#2 ISAIAH WASHINGTON

(Yeah, I know. The gif is of Katherine Heigl. But there aren't any gifs of Isiah, so...)

Nothing like re-engaging in an old beef. Isaiah and his former "Grey's Anatomy" co-star Katherine Heigl are butting heads again-- this time on the socials. Over his controversial exit from Grey's over a decade ago, thanks to her accusation that Isaiah called one of their co-stars a homophobic slur. In a tweet earlier this week, he shared a photo of Heigl and this:

"This woman once proclaimed that I should 'never' be allowed to speak publicly again. The world agreed with her proclamation back then and protested for my job and my head in 65 languages. I wish I was on Twitter in 2007, because i will NEVER stop exercising my free speech."

No one knows why he went all rage-y. Perhaps he's vying to the the first person cancelled before cancel culture became a thing.

Look, Isaiah. Just zip it and use a voodoo doll for your aggressions like the rest of us...

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#1 ELLEN DEGENERES

I absolutely cannot stand a hypocrite. And Ellen is a huge, stinky pile of hypocrite. The same Ellen that faced serious allegations of racism, unfair work practices, and toxicity in the workplace, has the audacity to keep shoving down our throats her "Be Kind" mantra. With that sentiment in mind-- words she allegedly does not live by-- she just released her "Be Kind" subscription box just in time for the holidays.

Oh, yipee!

Ellen says the box is all about spreading kindness with brands that do the same. All for the low price of $55.

So, let's review. You're most likely an undercover-ish beyotch who has this facade of "peace, love and unicorn farts", who still doesn't realize that your fans (average people) are trying to stay afloat during this never-ending pandemic. Sure, spending $55 on your box of bullshit sounds awesome! Not.

Hey, Ellen. Why don't you crawl inside your box (whichever one you choose-- wink, wink) and be kind to all of us and disappear.

Goober

11/13/2020

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending November 13th, 2020:

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#3 LARSA PIPPEN

The ex-wife of former NBA legend Scottie Pippen is back in the spotlight after spilling her own tea on her own messy sitch with the Kardashian sisters. Guess Larsa used to be Kim's bestie, and now the entire family doesn't speak to her. And it's all Kanye's fault:

"Maybe because I blocked him on my phone because I couldn't bear taking his calls anymore... So, he turned that into, 'Oh, she's this and she's that.' They all started to ride his wave. If you're that easily swayed, like the wind, then do I really give a f&ck? Should I give a f&ck?"

Apparently you give two f&cks, because you're talking publicly about it. Then, in your little podcast confessional you said how you've been through so much with the family and you will always love them. Blah, blah, blah, and you feel like one day you can all reconcile. Methinks you opening your trap (and perhaps your legs to Khloe's on-again-off-again meat deliverer, Tristan Thompson) isn't the way to get back in there.

A phone call or good ol' fashioned letter might be more appropriate. Or better yet, take your skank ass back to Hoe Town and let it go...

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#2 CLARE CRAWLEY, former title "character" from The Bachelorette

As predicted, Clare has left her season of the reality TV show-- 4 episodes in. Because she fell in love with former NFL wide receiver Dale Moss in 4 seconds. Literally. The moment he stepped out of the limo to meet her she said he was her future husband. Yes, the two are engaged and now shopping for bi-costal homes. And of course, there are babies in the future!

What?

She is on the warp-speed path now that she's got a man on lockdown. In one of the most uncomfortable moments from this week's show, host Chris Harrison checked in with the couple and asked what was next for them. Clare quickly, and manically shouted out: "BABIES!" And then, there was silence. From Dale. And the viewing audience. We get it, Clare. You were the oldest Bachelorette at 39 and that damned bio clock is ticking loudly. But you need better game. At least play an under-the-radar-psycho and put holes in the condoms.

Run Dale. You've got skills. I was all #TeamClare, but now I'm afraid for you.

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#1 JEFFREY TOOBIN

If you recall, the writer for The New Yorker was suspended three weeks ago after he was caught opining-- actually, o-penising-- on camera during a Zoom meeting with co-workers. Yup. He was handling his Oscar Mayer. It's not that he meant to choke the chicken on camera. See, he thought he had turned it off, but... Seriously, dude. Are you a stupid, pimply teenage boy that can't wait until your meeting is over to put in your piece for the New Yanker? What inspired you during this meeting? One of your co-workers? Vurp. Anywho, Goobin and his employer have consciously uncoupled:

"I was fired today after 27 years as a Staff Writer. I will always love the magazine, will miss my colleagues, and will look forward to reading their work."

I'm sure you'll be jerkin' the gherkin while "reading their work." Seems he was trying to stroke some sympathy with his social media post. Let's see who feels sorry for this jerk (off).................................................................................................No one.

You know people are gonna forever yell "hand check" at you, don't you?

Nuthin' But A Dre Thing

11/6/2020

Let's raise our slap hands and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending 11/06/20:

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#3 MEGHAN FOX

Girl is flamethrowing-angry at her ex, Brian Austin Green. All because he posted a picture of himself and their youngest son, Journey, on his Insta for Halloween. The pic was so cute and fun and apparently-- infuriating. Meghan took to her Insta to light the match:

"You're so intoxicated with feeding the pervasive narrative that I'm an absent mother, and you are the perennial, eternally dedicated dad of the year. You have them half of the time. Congratulations, you are truly remarkable human!"

1. Retract them claws, pussycat.
2. Someone helped her with those big words.

Good for you that you don't post pics of your kids on the socials. We just get to see your latest wangbang, Machine Gun Kelly. And all the sick schmoopie-ness. Gag.

P.S. Don't Stop Believin'...

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#2 BETHENNY FRANKEL

Throwing an oak tree's worth of shade, Beth-y has a problem with Kim Kardashian's 40th birthday extravaganza. So much so, that she and her 10-year-old daughter mocked Kimmy through photos posted on social media. Bethenny and Bryn are seen striking a pose while sitting on top of their marble island in the kitchen. They wore matching sweaters and party sunglasses while holding cocktail glasses, surrounded by seashells, a tropical-scented candle, a stuffed flamingo and a bar sign.

"Took my family to my private (kitchen) island. #privileged #blessed #humbled #thisis50 #thisisme #turning50"

Damn! Kim K took a group of friends and family via private jet to a remote island for her celebration. Everyone was COVID tested. They had fun. I'm not one to ever defend a Kardashian, but who gives an eff? Seriously. Why the shade, Bethenny? Kim's got the million to drop on her party, so why not? Good for her! You've got the same kind of money, so you could do the same thing. Plus, dragging your daughter into your little shade show? Not cool. Way to teach your daughter to be petty and to brag about your humility. Ironic.

You posting pictures to show that you're not superficial shows how superficial you are. Pandering for birthday wishes?

Grow up.

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#1 DR. DRE

The messiest divorce award of 2020 may go to Dre and wife, Nicole Young. He says she signed a prenup in 1996, and she claims he tore it up in front of her in a romantic gesture. Plus, she was under duress when she signed it, and that would've made it void anywho.

So what's the big deal? $1 billion. That's what's up. He's worth so much more now, and she wants her piece. How is she going to do it? By showing the receipts. Nicole wants 3 of his mistresses to testify to get the 'nup overturned. Jillian Speer, Kili Anderson, and Crystal Sierra have hired a lawyer to fight Nicole. The lawyer says his clients have nothing to offer that would help enforce the pre-nup. (Obviously, the only thing they have to offer are their jayjays.)

Nicole is claiming Dre is guilty of "rampant and repeated marital misconduct."

That sounds about right.

Thinking out word: If there was a prenup filed, legally, then tearing up a piece of paper is just for show. Right?
More thinking: Is Dre buddies with Tiger Woods. Granted, Tiger had a lot more lady friends, but 3 ain't bad.
Even more thinking: Keep it in your pants, Dre!

LaNo!

10/30/2020

Let's raise our slap hands and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending October 30, 2020:

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#3 SHIA LABEOUF (his actress GF Margaret Qualley, and her sister Rainey)

This trio of freaks are getting slapped (they'd probably like it) for being... creeptastic. Rainey is a musician filming a music video for her song "Love Me Like You Hate Me". Mmmmkay. Anywho, Margaret and Shia star in the video as a couple in a toxic relationship. And as people do in relationships, they do each other. Which required full-frontal for this video and choreographed sex scenes.

Fine. It's art, right? But the creep factor is that sister Rainey wants to see her sister get bango-ed by her schlong-slinger? And Margaret is cool with it? Methinks these two sisters are really close...

I. Can't.

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#2 YOSEF ABORADY, former contestant from The Bachelorette

The villain of this installment of the series has been shown the door. He may be the epitome of douchebaggery, and that's saying a lot since we are surrounded by douches in general. And it's not because of his behavior on the show, it's because it's no act. This guy reeks of asshole-ness. Reeks!

Carly Hammond shared with the world that Yosef DM-ed her after he got home from filming the show. They talked regularly, met in person, but she ended things. After a cooling-off period, she was ready to talk to him about what went wrong. But, before she had a chance, she received a Snapchat video of Yosef waxing the string bean and saying how he wanted to "eff" her. Oh-- the video was meant for someone else. But he sent it to Carly.

#Loser

But there's more, kids! Yosef realized his gaff, unfriended her and then lied and said his account logged out and did the unfriending. Sure. Then Carly blocked him on the 'Chat, but he still stalks her through a social media account he started-- for his dog.

So. Lame.

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#1 LILY JAMES

Some woman are just dirty hoes. Lily is one of them.

Her affair with married actor Dominic West wasn't her first foray into matrimonial man meat. A new story says she was the one who broke up Armie Hammer's marriage. Armie's wife, Elizabeth Chambers, discovered texts from a mystery woman on his phone. At the time, he was filming a movie with Lily. The texts were signed "Adeline"-- the name given to Lily on the film's call sheet. Needless to say, wifey was crushed. But, she went to couple's therapy with Armie-- and they planned to renew their vows. That's until Elizabeth received a salacious text from a strange phone number.

Seems that Rated NC 17 text was intended for Armie. Or was it? Why would Lily have Elizabeth's number-- unless she wanted "caught" and wanted to steal some Armie Hammer time? What a complete dumpster.

Guys are not the brightest. Dick thinking gets them in so much trouble. But Lily seems to target dumb dick thinkers, so... shame, shame. Or maybe her vajeen emits some sort of potion that knocks the sense out of grown men.

Probs not. Most likely it's just a scent of... sourdough. You know how men love bread!

#Yeasty

Douchefecta

10/23/2020

Offenders for the week ending in October 23, 2020:

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#3 JAY CUTLER

Guess the next thing this dude will be throwing is a turd in his diaper. WAAAAAH! Former average pro QB Jay is upset that his wife has potentially moved on with another man since their divorce. Kristen Cavallari was seen smooching with comedian Jeff Dye. Oh the humanity!

"He's not happy seeing her move on."

Oh-effing-well. That's what people do after a breakup. And since you weren't really a good guy during the marriage-- all unsupportive while suckling off your wife's financial teet-- you really have nothing to say now. Zero. Plus, you're a hypocrite. Rumor has it you're taking snaps from Tomi Lahren. It's okay for you to move on, but not your wife. Example #1,005 while you reek of vinegar.

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#2 KELLY DODD, Real Housewives of Orange County cast member

If only adults acted like adults and not big children. Kelly is the perfect example of this, and opening her large trap before thinking. She's a cut-you-to-the-bone mean bitch. 100. In recent slap-worthy moment, she posted a video to social media calling her ex-husband Michael a deadbeat dad. In front of their daughter. Classy.

"Jolie, aren't you glad you have a real dad like Rick Leventhal (Kelly's new husband) instead of your father, Michael, who you haven't seen in how long?"

The 13-year-old child answered it'd been 5 months. We get it. Michael is a known asshat. The two of you have literally been at each other's throats, so much so, that a restraining order was filed against you until you agreed to therapy and alcohol treatment.

Move. On. You're remarried. Your kid already knows her father might be douche-y. But he's still her father. And-- KEEP YOUR DRAMZ OFF OF SOCIAL MEDIA. We don't need to see every little thing. But thank you. Because all of you celebrities provide so much material for me each week.

You can be classy. It's in there somewhere. Perhaps under one of your Botox-ed cheeks.

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#1 JAKE PAUL

I hate that we even live in a time where there is such a thing as a "YouTube Star". But since we do, and there are...

Jake is everything that encapsulates the millennial stereotype. He's entitled. He does what he wants to do. And he's rewarded for his bad behavior by the flocks of sheeple out there. And he's got a ton of money. Which makes him even more insufferable. Dude was busted earlier this year for throwing a massive party in Calabasas. Whether you agree or not with the COVID restrictions-- they exist in Cali. And they will bust you.

Fast forward to now and he threw another party. And it was chronicled on social media. Crowds dancing. No masks. Because it's his birthday. So everyone should recognize!

What a joke. Gathering with the intention of trying to catch and spread COVID while having your birthday. Awesome. You'd think a guy who had his house raided by the FBI would be a little more careful... Wait. Since it's not confirmed you have a brain, thinking may not actually occur.

Why can't an asteroid crash his next party?

Mrs. Felon

10/16/2020

Offenders for the week ending October 16, 2020:

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#3 THOMAS RAVENEL, former cast member of Southern Charm & Known DB (douche bag)

The former reality TV star and forever felon is actually going to walk down the aisle. With his second baby momma. He had two kids with Kathryn Dennis, who remains a "star" of Southern Charm. Welp, he had another kid with another chick, and supposedly she's worthy enough to earn the ring. So much so, that he's not getting a prenup:

"Not with this one. No need."

Riiight... But you might have a point. Because as Kanye said so poetically:

"18 years/18 years/Got one of your kids/Got you for 18 years."

Why get a pre-nup when you have the fruit-of-you-loins nup. This marriage might last 10 months. If they ever make it down the aisle. Guess she's okay that he's a convicted felon. It was just running drugs, so not so bad?

By the way, are orange and orange your wedding colors?

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#2 PORSHA WILLIAMS, cast member of the Real Housewives of Atlanta

Fellow castmate Cynthia Bailey's bachelorette party took quite a wild turn, and Porsha was perhaps front and spread-eagle center for all of it. Sources say there was girl-on-girl action, and a couple of ladies enjoyed the pleasures of a male stripper-- at the same time.

Word on the street is that Princess P gave her "p" to fellow cast member Tanya Sam and that the two of them are the ones that paid the male stripper with pie. Porsha is in denial, as always, since she apparently has her sights set on B.O.L.O. The Entertainer. But what about her baby-daddy-one-time fiancé, Dennis? Oh. They're off again. While she's getting off on anything with a pulse.

Whatevs.

What happens at the BP (Bachelorette Party) stays at the BP. Unless you're filming for the upcoming season... oops. Just own it! You're a wild child ready to ride whatever!

via GIPHY

#1 DOMINIC WEST

He's currently filming "The Pursuit of Love" with Lily James. The two were spotted in Rome recently kissing, sharing an electric scooter, lunching-- romantical stuff. Oh, wait. He's married. Been so for 10 years and 4-kids. Yeah... His wife saw the receipts and is crushed. Meanwhile, his tramp-in-waiting Lily dumped her relationship of 5-years.

But just the other day, Dummydick and wife Catherine staged a photo op for the press outside their home-- kissing for photogs and holding up a sign declaring they're still very much together.

Uhmmm... perhaps you both need slapped.

Dominic: This is 2020. There are cameras everywhere. And those phones everyone has takes really good pictures. And, you're a celebrity. So people watch you. And wait for your wang to get out of line.

Catherine: This dude got caught red wankered cheating on you. He's a complete stain. What did he say to you to make you stick around? That he's sorry? Did he put a Kobe apology ring on it? Hopefully, he put a mask on his hang-low so you won't catch crotch COVID.

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