OFFENSE: Thinking with her box...
Her on-and-off-then-on-again relationship with John Mayer is............ OFF. For now. Seems Katy can't quit the Mayer. Back together for only two months, their relationship fell apart supposedly over jealousy. John is jealous that Katy has an actual career, and his is like a turd circling the bowl. Plus, Katy can't trust John while she's away (understatement of the century). He takes it to the hole more often than LeBron James on game night.
Katy, listen up: You are immensely successful. You're at the height of your career. Your breasts are at their ultimate height. Go get a real man! Not some whiny, thumb-sucking narcissist. And-- there can't be anything special about his over-processed meat. Get a pile of chocolate, a lifetime supply of batteries and an Adam & Eve catalog and you'll be just fine.
Do you really need the possibility of some kind of fungus growing on your cookie jar. No. You don't. Come on, Katy. Snap out of it!
OFFENSE: None really...
I figured he'd enjoy the slap. See, Dominatrix Kim Petro passed a lie detector test during her interview with The National Enquirer where she dished about our beloved Olympic hero. She starts her tale, recalling how Michael called her and told her to drink some water before she got to the hotel. Kim said:
"I knew what I was in for. I was going to the bathroom anyway-- I figured I might as well get paid for it!"
Indeed! Other romp-time highlights:
1. Phelps secured his tryst room under the name "Fabian Marasciullo"-- the name of a Miami music figure associated with his pal Lil' Wayne.
2. Phelps wasn't wearing underwear... men's underwear, that is. But he was wearing skimpy women's panties.
3. When Phelps removed his panties, he had a string tied around his private parts. Not a ribbon. A string.
So. Many. Thoughts. I realize his true aspiration now: to receive the Olympic Gold(en Shower) Medal.
Whatevs. Let your kink flag fly! The one thing I can't get out of my mind is that classic Life cereal commercial: "Ask Mikey. He'll eat anything." Surely he will...
OFFENSE: An affront to humanity
Paul McCartney's ex-whorebitch still can't get over the fact that he kicked her psycho, opportunistic, gold-diggin' ass to the curb. When asked during an interview about Paul, she didn't miss the chance to take a jab at him.
"When I go down the street, I get kids coming up to me-- half of them don't even know who he is. That's why he's got to do songs with Rihanna and Kanye West, so people remember."
Do you mean when you go down the street looking for johns? And, seriously, who the f*ck are you-- other than the ex-wife of Paul McCartney!?!?
She then got high off of her own farts, tooting about her past as a race skier and how she owns the largest vegan company in the universe.
I support and champion those with disabilities, but... if your prosthetic leg were to happen to fall off accidentally, I would hope someone would pick it up for you. Then beat you with it. Seriously, just drop down on your one good knee and do what you do best-- blow... your own horn.
Katy Perry: https://www.flickr.com/photos/evarinaldiphotography/
Michael Phelps: https://www.flickr.com/photos/marcopako/
Heather Mills: https://www.flickr.com/photos/jeckman/