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Dad. Joke.

12/3/2021

 
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​​Offender for the week ending December 3rd, 2021:    

via GIPHY

#3 WILL SMITH
For whatever reason, I'm no longer Team Will. And I don't know why... maybe I sensed this story and that's a part of it? Anywho, Willie is on blast- thanks to comedian Langston Kerman. But why, you may wonder... for Will's silly dad jokes that he posts on the IG. Guess the jokes aren't Will's. In fact, he supposedly hires other comics to write the jokes, then makes them sign NDAs. Langston said:

"I know so many comedians who had to sign NDAs to help Will Smith write silly dad jokes for Instagram, and now this n*gga is out here talking about throwing up from p*ssy poisoning. Rich people are wild."

If you're scratching your head over this reference, Will just released an autobiography in which he admitted that he had sex with so many women that he developed a "psychosomatic reaction" to reaching the Big O, saying:

                         "It would literally make me gag and sometimes even vomit."

Well, some women have bat caves that are musty... 

via GIPHY

#2 KATIE THURSTON, Reality TV Star/The Bachelorette
It's so amusing that people think they can find true love on a reality TV show. Love is hard (so to speak) to find IRL. But Katie gave the college try and found her fiancée Blake. For a hot minute. Cuz she done moved on to another bachelor from the same season, John Hersey. Who she sent home in week two. But they remained friends, and now are a thing. And Blake didn't see it coming:

“I really don’t think there was any physical cheating there, but there [was] clearly emotional [cheating] for it to transition as quickly as it did. I feel stupid and foolish for allowing it to happen, to some degree... I know they spent a lot of time together and stuff but there's just no way. I never had an inkling. I am just a very secure guy and I give my trust out 100 percent, especially to the person who I should be trusting the most."

Those Reality Steve rumors that Katie was spotted at the bar that John tends were true. Perhaps he was tending her hair bar, too. We'll see how long this one lasts. Because after watching the episode where we met Katie's mom and aunt, Blake is better off. Those two ladies are def men-haters. I imagined the duo going on a dick-ripping-off spree and making a big weenie roast. 

via GIPHY

#1 AARON CARTER
This dude defines messy. Like, look up the phrase "shit show" in the dictionary. His picture is there. At least in our dictionary it would be. He and his fiancée, Melanie Martin, have called it quits. Oh... she just gave birth to their son. A week ago. But she had it coming because she talked to Aaron's family-- whom he's estranged. Per Hot Mess Aaron:

“There has been a very big lie and my sister communicating w my ex fiancé [SIC] ruined everything considering she knew what angel tried to do to me in court thanks angel (Aaron's twin) you ruined my family. God bless... I have the most conniving deceiving family and Melanie has been lying to me the whole time communicating with my twin sister and the family members who tried to put me in prison and who tried to get a conservatorship on me in court."

Did you get all that? And... Melanie is supposedly taking their son, named Prince, to Vegas. Not to play the slots, though that wouldn't shock me, but to live-- sans Aaron. 

But remember, he's not crazy. I've met him before. Perhaps he's just a skosh cray. Or a dump truck full...

Face Off

10/4/2019

 
​Offenders for the week ending October 4, 2019:

via GIPHY

#3 R KELLY
This dude is so delusional and really believes he is above the law and so out of touch... wait, I lost my train of thought for a sec. Oh, yeah. This alleged pedophile/sexual abuser/dbag-extraordinaire requested bond from a New York judge because he really misses his two live-in girlfriends. See, it's hard livin' behind bars. Because he can only see one live-in at a time in 90 days . Sigh. Nevermind that you're charged in a racketeering scheme to sexually abuse girls in New York... while you're facing similar charges in Chicago. 

Perhaps you should take this time behind bars to allow someone to violate you into silence. And not breathing our good air... Just a suggestion.

via GIPHY

#2 STACEY DASH
Stace. What in the af has happened to you? You present yourself as this polished babe, well-spoken and well-versed... but now, you've joined the Celebrity Mugshot Hall of Fame. The actress, best known for her role in Clueless, may be clueless herself. She was arrested after a domestic incident at her home, which resulted in scratches on her hubby's arms.

She claims any marks were the result of self-defense, because he tried to choke her. And she claims he forced their kids to lie about the incident. Oh, her hubs is a lawyer. That's bad news. And... she told a judge she's indigent and can't afford a proper lawyer...

Sounds like the plot of a Lifetime movie.

As if...

via GIPHY

#1 AARON CARTER
As if allegedly threatening to kill your brother and his pregnant wife weren't enough-- why not complete your downward spiral (part 531) with a face tattoo? 

Nothing says "I'm a loser" more than a mutha stinkin' face tat. I'm sure he thinks he's all deep and self-aware since his half-face-tat is that of Greek mythological monster Medusa. It covers his jaw, cheek, cheekbone, temple and a small area under his eye. Oh, and in case you didn't know-- Aaron is all that and a bag of chips. He social media-ed a pic with this caption:

      "I'M THE BIGGEST THING IN MUSIC RIGHT NOW. I CANT BE DENIED. FACT CHECK ME."

Uhm, thanks for SCREAMING at us your tale of LIES. The "biggest thing"? Are you referring to your ween, cuz methinks not. Or are you meaning that you're the biggest JOKE. Because when was your last "hit"? I just "fact-checked" your chart history. "Aaron's Party" topped out at #35 on Billboard, while "That's How I Beat Shaq" reached a high of #96. In 2001.

Girl, bye.

Aaron's (Pitiful) Party

9/20/2019

 
Offenders for the week ending September 20th, 2019:

via GIPHY

​#3 50 CENT
Yo, Fiddy. Why u beefin' still with reality TV star LaLa Kent? We understand your real beef is with her fiancee, movie producer Randall Emmett. So why not go after him? Or is this like mob mentality where you go after what your enemy cares about the most? Sigh. Anywho, LaLa addressed this stupid feud on a recent TV appearance, so 50 decided to take to social media and make some memes out of some of her pictures, like:

                          "Shut up b*tch. You started with the wrong person good night"


Eloquent. But this is so much eloquent-er:

"Rise in shine puffy face. It's gym time but I'm sure your having a hangover. Welp. Here's to life buck O. LOL"

First, check yo grammar before you check someone. Next, must we make fun of a person who has publicly admitted they have struggled with the sauce?

Boo. Why don't you just sue her man to get your money back? Guess you need some beef to remind us you had some hits back in the day. Like, last decade. 

via GIPHY

#2 WENDY WILLIAMS
I've never liked this woman one bit. Overrated. Bitter. Nasty. What sucks is that she has a forum in which to sling the mud-- without proof. Yes, we all have opinions about stuff-- but she has chronic diarrhea of the mouth. Somebody get this *B* some Imodium. Or a mouth plug.

Iconic beauty Christie Brinkley had to back out of the latest installment of Dancing With the Stars. Because she broke her arm while rehearsing, The injury required surgery, a metal plate, and screws. There's even photographic evidence of said injury. But Wendy doesn't buy it:

"... that looked fake as hell. Let me tell you what I see. What I see is a 65-year-old hot stuff who looks like if you were going to fracture anything, you should have said the tailbone. I don't see a wrist and a shoulder being fractured, but that was real cute."

In Wendy World, this is all a part of a nefarious plot for Christie to get her model daughter, Sailor on the show. Which has happened. 

 Well, methinks Wendy would know about fake. Have you see that weave of hers?  

via GIPHY

#1 AARON CARTER
Proving that fame and meager fortune doesn't make your life perfect, Aaron has been a hot mess since birth. No, seriously. The former teen pop star has had troubles with substances and the law. And now, his kinda-more successful brother-- Nick-- has filed a restraining order against him. Why? Oh, you know. That whole threatening-to-kill-his-pregnant-wife thing:

"In light of Aaron's increasingly alarming behavior and his recent confession that he harbors thoughts and intentions of killing my pregnant wife and unborn child, we were left no choice but to take every measure possible to protect ourselves and our family. We love our brother and truly hope he gets the proper treatment he needs before any harm comes to himself or anyone else."

Yikes! Meanwhile, Aaron says he hasn't even seen his brother or sister in over four years, so nobody's really gonna get hurt. Aaron dropped this on social media:

                                                         "Take care. We're done for life."

He's another shining example of how drugs are bad. Let's just say we've experienced his destructive behavior many moons ago...

Look, Aaron. You're only 32. You still have time to unf&ck your life!

Goop-y, Messy & Sloppy...

7/21/2017

 
Offenders for the week ending July 21, 2017:
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Says it all...
#3 GWYNETH PALTROW
​Dr. Twatski's at it again! How did we survive all these centuries without you? Her latest medical marvel-- stickers that promote healing. And if you make them with just the right materials and stick them on your body in the right places-- MAGICAL HEALING! Dr. T had this to say: 

"Human bodies operate at an ideal energetic frequency, but everyday stresses and anxiety can throw off our internal balance, depleting our energy reserves and weakening our immune systems. Body Vibe stickers come pre-programmed to an ideal frequency, allowing them to target imbalances."

Oh, and for just $60 you'll get a 10-pack of supernatural bullsh*t thingies! Can't I just use a cool scratch-n-sniff sticker like I had as a kid and call it a day? 

How 'bout this? I'm gonna stick some duct tape on your mouth. That sticker will heal the rest of us.

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What a charmer...
#2 R. KELLY
Dude... We know your history of freek-a-leekness, but this. THIS is just beyond... This is slavery. Sex. Slavery. Multiple reports are surfacing that the AARP Lothario has been keeping a number of women (some very young) in homes in Chicago and Atlanta as members of a "sex-obsessed, abusive cult." Former members of his inner circle and parents of the women are standing strong with their claims that:

"he tells them what and when to eat, how to dress, how to cut their hair, when they sleep... you have to ask for food. You have to ask to go use the bathroom. He's a master at mind control. He is a puppet master."

This gives a whole new spin to a few of your songs: "It Seems Like You're Ready" & "Feelin' Yo Booty"... disgusting.

Of course, R's crew is vehemently denying the accusations. Cuz he's such an innocent... Just like poor Bill Cosby. By the way, you're not Hefner. You're more like Rapener.

I think you need to get back into that infamous closet. In fact-- make it your coffin. 

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"I walk erratically, too!"
​#1 AARON CARTER
Oh, the irony! Remember how he mocked Shia LaBeouf for another DUI arrest by saying:

                                            "You won't catch me getting any DUIs."

Guess what? BUSTED! Yup. A motorcyclist called 9-1-1 to report an erratic driver. Aaron admits he was driving erratically, because his alignment was out. And so that's why he was driving poorly and... he was profiled by police. Since Aaron is a white man with tattoos driving a white SUV, well-- automatic criminal! Plus, the cops knew he was a famous person.

BWAAA HAAA HAAA HAAA! Who the f*ck could actually recognize Aaron Carter!?!? I saw his mugshot and thought he was Vanilla Ice. NOT a compliment! And for the record. Aaron wasn't drunk and he doesn't do drugs.

"I take Xanax, Propranolol for high blood pressure medication, and I took oxycodones for my (jaw injury)."

Oh, and he did weed nine hours before his arrest. 

You could've had a great career. But instead, you're washed-up at 29 and look like a trailer-park-Justin-Bieber impersonator. 

"He who lives in a glass crack house should not cast a stone..."

​PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

A Fart. A Tart. And A Living Shart...

2/17/2017

 
Offenders for the week ending February 17, 2017:
This week's Slap-ees will each receive a Vogee Award (Yes, my own award.)
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"I love you..."
#3 AARON CARTER
In a bizarro interview in which he started out with a claim that he paved the way for Justin Bieber, he then took a complete left turn into Rankville with a revelation about his first celebrity crush Sandra Bullock. I don't know when this was, but A.C. was hangin' with Demi Moore and her kids somewhere, when Sandra walked into the room. Aaron got so nervous at seeing his beloved crush, that he...

                                                                        Farted.

And then, Sandra walked away.Way to blow it, so to speak. I personally think he was trying to impress her, because boys are icky and gross. The bigger question I have is why did Demi and the kiddos stick around? Is there some kind of pleasure derived from sitting amongst a fart cloud? Is that how Bruce Willis or Ass-hton Kutcher wooed her?

Enough of that. Before you know it, the sentiment "I *heart* you" will become "I *fart* you."

Your Vogee Award: Worst One Cheek Sneak


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"I didn't shave my head, but I look like a ballerina hooker."
#2 KATY PERRY
During a red carpet interview for a pre-Grammys telecast, Hate-y took a random and unnecessary shot at Britney Spears. Ryan Seacrest asked her about her hiatus from music. She spewed:

             "It's called taking care of your mental health... I haven't shaved my head yet."

Wow! That's not throwin' shade. That's throwin' a whole damned eclipse! You've worked with her, AND on top of that-- Brit-Brit has said publicly how much she admires you. Shame!

We all make mistakes. Sadly, Britney's head-shaving is a part of pop culture history. But do we need to keep bringing it up? I'd consider your marrying that dirty-butt Russell Brand cray-cray, but are we all picking that scab? (Wait. We just did. Not sorry.)

Why don't you go make-nice with Left Shark and leave Britney alone! 

​Your Vogee Award: Best Placement of The Letter 'B' in Bitch

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"Raise your hand if you think CeeLo is loco?"
#1 CEELO GREEN
WTF was that costume he wore to the Grammys!?!? He was covered head-to-toe in a gold suit, complete with a gold mask. Was he feeling left out, so he awarded himself, himself?!?! Or maybe he's a new superhero: 

                                                                     C-3P-No!

Or, is he trying to make his song "Crazy" a self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe he's trying to make us all forget he pleaded no contest to providing a woman ecstasy against her will. Or his questionable tweets about rape:

                                  "Women who have really been raped REMEMBER!!!"    

And this gem:

 "If someone is passed out, they're not even WITH you consciously! So WITH implies consent."

Or...maybe he's outing a freak-a-leak faction that's into bumpin' uglies with people dressed up like trophies. It's all so beautifully mind-boggling. 

P.S. Kudos to you. We ARE talking about you... even if the talk isn't flattering.


Your Vogee Award: The Ultimate Desecration of a Precious Metal

PHOTO CREDITS:
Katy Perry https://www.flickr.com/photos/oouinouin/
C-3PO https://www.flickr.com/photos/zetotal/

    About The Slap

    I lovingly call out celebs for their naughty behavior. Sometimes a 'slap' is a needed wake-up call. ;)

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