Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

Shake It Off

3/5/2021

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending March 5, 2021:

#3 TERESA GUIDICE, Cast Member/Real Housewives of New Jersey

As one of the Housewives franchise's O.G.s, she knows her days are numbered. She's making some serious coin, and she needs a storyline to stay relevant. Seriously. She's already gone to jail. Her husband got deported after serving his jail time, and then they divorced. Now what? Well, start a rumor-- no matter who it hurts. Momma's gotta support three kids at home while the fourth is in college!

Our favorite table-flipping housewive kicked-off the new season by spreading a rumor about fellow castmate Jackie's husband. At his birthday party. Classy. She told anyone that would listen that Jackie's husband "screws around" with women when he's at the gym. But she didn't have proof, and couldn't remember who shared this info with her.

Have a seat, beyotch! This isn't the first time she spread such filth. She pulled the same "I heard" b.s. with her own sister-in-law, and when someone spread a rumor about her and her former husband cheating on each other, well.... things got ugly. What a memory of convenience.

I think we need to retire some of these O.G.s, or give all the O.G.'s their own show where they can pull each other's hair out and claw each other's faces. Or let us do it for the complete satisfaction.

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#2 PAT SAJAK

Just like the late Alex Trebek, this dude is synonymous with the game show he's hosted forever-- Wheel of Fortune. But his luck may have run out after the Twittersphere's collective mind nearly exploded after he made fun of a contestant with a speech impediment.

During contestant Chris Bimble's introduction, Pathole mimicked his lisp. He put on a fake lisp to answer, "I see" as "I thee." In fact, he mocked this poor man twice. What in the af!?!?! While Chris laughed it off, you know it wasn't cool. Surely he didn't think it was cool, either. But what do you do when you're just a common person on national TV? He rolled with it. I'm sure this man has dealt with being teased his entire life for his impediment. Why does a highly-paid asshat feel the need to mock someone who obviously loves the show and is a pro at solving puzzles?

Shame on you. You should know better. You're like 5,000 years old. With age comes wisdom-- but not in this case.

I know you play games for a living. But there's no place in a 2021 world for a playground idiot.

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#1 TAYLOR SWIFT

I used to like TayTay. Now, I find her completely annoying. I was totally on her side when that whole thing went down with that douche-y DJ grabbing her bootay during a meet-and-greet way back when. I've admired her work ethic, and felt empathy for the isolated life she lives because of her fame. I even thought it sucked warted ween when she lost the rights to her original recordings through a shady record deal her dad made. But I'm a million percent over her whining. Like, seriously. For such an empowered, growly female-- you need thicker skin.

Her latest boo hoo sesh? The Netflix series "Ginny and Georgia" made a joke at her expense. EGADS! The joke?

"What do you care? You go through men faster than Taylor Swift."

That's a lot of men... Anywho, she snapped back on Twitter:

"How about we stop degrading hard working women by defining this horse shit as FuNnY."

Taylor! Language! She also took exception with Netflix, which carried her documentary, "Miss Americana" for having such a show on its service-- saying:

"Also, @Netflix after Miss Americana this outfit doesn't look cute on you. Happy Women's History Month I guess."

Waaaaah. Girl, you have f&ck you money. Who cares? Be grateful you're still relevant. Be grateful that you're such a part of pop culture that people wanna take a shot at you. Follow your own advice in that "Shake it Off" song of yours and shake it off!

Yellow Power

7/31/2020

Offenders for the week ending July 31, 2020:

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#3 THOMAS MARKLE

Oh, Thomas. You were *this* close to starting that process of reconciliation with your little girl, Meghan. But since you can't learn your lesson, you're probs going to get the freeze out. Again. Daddy of The Year most likely needed some cash money, so he turned to his favorite ATM-- the media. He recently told "The Sun" that his little girl and her hubs, the dude formerly known as Prince Harry, should stop whining:

"This is the worst time in the world for them to be whining and complaining about anything-- because people everywhere are suffering due to the coronavirus pandemic. I love my daughter, but I really don't appreciate what she's become right now."

Sigh.

Yes. A whole sh&tstorm is swirling. And yes, privileged folk should be the last to boo-hoo. But... ever hear of a phone? That's the device you can use to convey a message to a certain party without being messy. But messy is your middle name, so...

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#2 SMASH MOUTH

So, Taylor Swift sold 1.3 million copies of her latest record in 24 hours. Not surprising. The Tay Tay spell is forever floating amongst the masses, mesmerizing them into action. It's just the way it is. But Smash Mouth has taken exception to Tay's "Folklore" album, calling it:

"borelore"

Okay. Smash, who? Oh, that band from the early 1990s that had one hit song in a kid's movie: "All Star". Which you're not. Whether you like Taylor or not, she's a star. An all-ways star. Get it.

Uhmmm, your Tamagotchi is needing you, Mr. Mouth. And isn't your break over at the Quik Lube?

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#1 JEPH LOEB, former head honcho of Marvel Television

This guy isn't a celeb. But he's still a Hollywood set of d*ck lips. Daredevil star Peter Shinkoda claims his storyline was cut, along with another Asian actor because:

"Nobody gives a sh*t about Asian people."

That's probably true. Nobody thinks about us because while everybody is fighting each other, we shades of yellow are taking care of business. We hustle. We make our own way. We expect nothing from anyone and we kick ass with our work ethic. So, nobody may "give a shit" about Asians, but the next time you need your laundry washed or some yummy dim sum, or somebody to teach your lame ass that 1 + 1 = 2, you'll be looking for us Asians. And we'll help you out, because we know you're just an ignorant slut.

Congrats. You've gone and awoken my inner Angry Asian. And the half of me that is Asian has enough anger to kick your fossilized crotch up and out your nose.

You are precisely what's wrong with this country.

Catch me outside, bitch boy.

Just Don't Do It

7/12/2019

Offenders for the week ending July 12, 2019:

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#3 JORDYN WOODS

This trollop's only claim to fame is that she's friends with a Jenner and got close with a Kardashian's man. But, she continues to feel the need to speak about her dalliance with Tristan Thompson. Cuz it wasn't her fault. And her character is being assassinated. Because she was a true friend to one of the Jenner girls and she somehow thought Tristan was no longer with Khloe K, but they were and she didn't know that (?). And, she has not gained anything from being a part of the Kardashian/Jenner klan:

"I definitely work very hard for a lot of the things that I have, and as you can see, I'm out here hustling and I've always been working. I started modeling when I was 18 and, you know, I work hard."

Okay... Well, I'll give you this-- you've used the scandal to your advantage, launching some clothing collection. Now, you can make your own money. What a change!

Hey, tramp. Can you zip your lips (both sets) and go away?

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#2 TAYLOR SWIFT

TayTay has some strange mind control over fans. Like, seriously. She can do no wrong. She could hurl into a microphone and it would sell millions of copies. But I'm starting to think that she isn't the perfect princess, and is using her mesmerized public to create a reality that might not be real. Case in point: this whole beef with Scooter Braun over his purchase of her old record label, Big Machine, and the ownership of her old masters.

Look, we all know that every facet of the entertainment business is shady-- be it radio, TV, film, or music. Deals are made to the disadvantage of the artist all the time. Is it fair? Hell, no! But I'm starting to think Taylor's perception of her misdealings with her old label are not completely accurate. She claims she couldn't buy back her back catalogue of music. But her own father had ownership in Big Machine, so that's... suspicious. And instead of going directly to the source, she decided to spew via social media.

What do you hope to gain? A win? Your fans not supporting Big Machine artists? An uprising against Scooter and Justin Bieber? If you were truly harassed by these people, that's one thing. But if you're trying to fuel the #MeToo/bullying fire, then that's irresponsible. Some battles are best left out of the spotlight. And if your label owned your catalogue, perhaps your parents should've negotiated a better deal for you when you were a kid.

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#1 NIKE

What. The. F&ck. Why is Colin Isadick dictating what you do as a company? Seriously. Nike was set to release a limited edition shoe featuring the flag Betsy Ross designed-- but Colin was offended-- because the flag was created during a time when slavery was around.

Get. Over. It. Slavery is a part of the history of this country. Can't change that. The flag of Betsy Ross doesn't glorify slavery. It glorifies pride in our country. What's ironic, is that Colin is a slave to the past. Learn from the past and not repeat mistakes made. That's how you make change. Taking down statues and not teaching certain things in school won't change history. And have we ever figured out if Colin's family history included slaves? If so, horrible. But that situation also gave his lineage the opportunity to, I don't know, have a family member become an overly-paid NFL player.

Nike-- for a sporting shoe company, you surely have no balls.

P.S. Please, don't use the color yellow in your shoes ever because I'm half Asian and people call us yellow people and that's offensive...

A Bunch of Bad "Roosters"

12/22/2017

Offenders for the week ending December 22, 2017:

Though I'm sure some offensive celeb behavior will occur before the end of the year, this will be our last slap of 2017. The slap hand deserves some gifts and a break in preparation for 2018-- which I'm sure will be memorable.

#3 MARIO BATALI

Hey! I've raised my hand and admitted to sexual harassment. Good for me! So, I should be able to resurrect my career ASAP!

I give the chef props for owning up to his bullsh*t. But, you need to let things breathe before you try to win back the public. While we appreciate another apology written in your weekly newsletter, what we don't appreciate is adding a P.S. Especially when said P.S. is to pimp some holiday-inspired recipes.

Seriously?

You've admitted to grabbing "muffins" and whatnot. So why not a muffin recipe? Ugh.

Timing. It's all about timing. Speaking of... looks like your goose is cooked. Bye, bye you sloppy excuse for a human.

How 'bout shoving some gravy in your mouth to keep it shut?

#2 MATT DAMON

Oh, Matt. You've got a new movie coming out and methinks your diarrhea of the mouth is not going to help box office receipts at all. As we are now deep-sea-diving in the #MeToo narrative, I think we can all agree that harassment is repulsive. So, just leave it there and move on. Nope:

"All of that behavior needs to be confronted, but there is a continuum. On this end... where you have rape and child molestation or whatever, you know, that's prison... The other stuff is just kind of shameful and gross... I just think we have to start delineating between what these behaviors are."

I totally get what he intended to say. There is a difference between criminal behavior and an unwanted advance. But there is this whole in-between of blackmail and blacklisting. Yes, we walk a slippery slope of ending up in a place where no one can express interest in another. But then again, there is an acceptable way of approaching another versus not acceptable.

But Matt couldn't just let it go. He had to continue to dig that hole:

"We're in a watershed moment, and it's great, but I think one thing that's not being talked about is there are a whole shitload of guys-- the preponderance of men I've worked with-- who don't do this kind of thing and whose lives aren't going to be affected."

Yes. This is true. But it's like asking for a treat for doing the right thing-- which is what one should be doing without recognition.

I'd ask you to pry your head out of your backside, but at this point you'd best stay there. It might be safer for you.

#1 DAVID MUELLER

This former DJ douche really needs to zip his mouth if he expects to have any shot at a career in the future. Dude, you're a two-time loser. You were busted for grabbing Taylor Swift's butt AND you lost your countersuit. After a one-two punch to the fruit bowl, you'd think a person would quietly go away. Not this crap fungus. He says Tay Tay is no hero for speaking out against sexual harassment:

"Do I think she's a hero? She testified in court because the judge ordered her to. And when I hear her attorney talk about it they make it sound like they had a choice..."

Yawn. But that's not all. Taylor won a $1 settlement from Mueller, which was symbolic for her. Well, it was symbolic for him, too. He was supposed to pay her with a $1 Sacagawea coin--which he hasn't done yet. Originally, he said the coin was to specifically make fun of Taylor:

"I mean, if this is all about women's rights... it's a little poke at them, a little bit. I mean, I think they made this into a publicity stunt, and this is my life."

But now he's changed his story again, saying the reason he chose the coin was to draw attention to the thousands of Native American women that go missing each year.

F&ck. Off. You're such a dirty liar. So not sorry you lost your cushy six-figure salary and F-list celeb status. Perhaps if you would've conducted yourself in a respectable manner and not like an entitled swinging "rooster" that can do whatever he wants, you may still be employable. In the meantime, just give us all a nice greeting when we come inside and grab a cart. Wink, wink.

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

Put On Your Big Girl Pants!

6/16/2017

Offenders for the week ending June 16, 2017:

"Suckit, Hate-y Scare-y!"

#3 TAYLOR SWIFT

In the on-going feud between Tay-Tay and Katy Perry, Tay has booby-punched her nemesis again! As we all well know, Taylor's not down with streaming her music. But she changed her tune (sorry for that bad pun) and released her entire back catalog of music on all streaming services on the SAME DAY as Katy dropped her new album. Awwwww, snap! This is from Taylor Nation:

"In celebration of 1989 selling over 10 million albums worldwide and the RIAA's 100 Million Song Certification, Taylor wants to thank her fans by making her entire back catalog available to all streaming services..."

Girl, we can see through your "love of fans". Yes, they keep you in the bling-- but your real motivation was to take Katy down.. .which, I do have to say was a brilliant move. But we need you to get over this childish feud. Why are your panties in a bunch for Katy? I mean-- what's the REAL reason you loathe her so much? It has to be more than Katy using the same dancers you had on your tour. Which by the way, is no big deal. Or maybe because you both had the John "Oscar" Mayer?

Can't you just rant about it in your Burn Book and be done!?!?!

"My biggest talent is being a bitch."

#2 BRANDI GLANVILLE

I really don't know why this c*m-collector is even famous, except for saying sensational things... and I was sooooo hoping she had gone away for good when she left The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. But nooooooo. I guess the genie couldn't grant us that fourth wish. Sigh. Just like our previous Slap-ee, Miss STD needs to get over it! She is still not over her divorce from actor Eddie Cibrian, and his marriage to LeAnn Rimes. This twit is claiming that the couple stalked her boyfriend's (current bang buddy) Twitter page and showed up ON PURPOSE to the same restaurant they were dining at. Oh, and Eddie and LeAnn had Eddie and Brandi's kids with them. Ah, ha!

Eddie took to the internets himself and proved that he and LeAnn had made reservations days in advance of Brandi's dinner date. Sad that he has to even do this at all.

Look, B. Eddie left you because you're a psycho. Get. Over. It.

"I'm #1! I'm #1!"

#1 KATY PERRY

So, Katy dropped a new (very mediocre) album and is working the media hard to stay relevant. She did a 72-hour live YouTube stream in which James Corden asked her to rank a few of her lovers from best to worst. And how did Diplo, John Mayer and Orlando Bloom fair?

1. John Mayer
2. Orlando Bloom
3. Diplo

She quickly said they were all good, but you know... WEll, Diplo was NOT pleased. In fact he tweeted:

"I don't even remember having sex."

Ouch. That's what the classless broad deserves. Look, I'm no prude. But there's no need to sully your exes just 'cuz they're your exes. Why the low blow, so to speak? Here's some advice: since you can't shut your legs, just shut your mouth.

PHOTO CREDIT:
GIFs www.giphy.com

A Bunch of Dirty -Ists!

10/16/2015

Offenders for the week of October 12, 2015:

This week's Slapees will receive thoughts about their offenses from my dog Albert...

"I only like yellow clothing..."

#3 TAYLOR SWIFT
OFFENSE: Kinda Racist
I love me some Tay-Tay. She seems to live her life relatively scandal-free, isn't abusing herself with illicit substances, and appears to truly care about her fans. But I'm feeling she might be a tad bit racist. Why? Well, the story came out this week that her BF Calvin Harris may have enjoyed the services of a Thai massage parlor. In fact, he was caught leaving one.

Taylor called Thai massage parlors "seedy". What!?!? Just because some (most) may offer a "happy ending" doesn't make them "seedy". Perhaps those places are full service. Shouldn't your entire body get massaged? Since I'm half-Asian, I'm hurt by your dislike of yellow.

Why, oh why, Swifty? Your yellow friends have done many great things for the world. Like Zen stuff and Feng Shui-ing things. And who doesn't think Buddha is cute? And what about Hello, Kitty?

I guess I won't be a part of your Girl Squad. Whatevs.

Albert The Dog says: "I'd pee on you, but you don't like yellow. Boo."

"If you got a jay-jay, you can't be the Prez..."

#2 T.I.
OFFENSE: Sexist
This ball of f*ck says he wouldn't vote for Hillary Clinton for President, because our fine nation can't handle a woman's irrational ways. Really? This douchesniffer said:

“Not to be sexist, but I can’t vote for the leader of the free world to be a woman... It’s kinda like, I just know that women make rash decisions emotionally — they make very permanent, cemented decisions — and then later, it’s kind of like it didn’t happen, or they didn’t mean for it to happen.”

And if that weren't enough he said this:

“I sure would hate to just set off a nuke. [Other leaders] will not be able to negotiate the right kinds of foreign policy; the world ain’t ready yet...I think you might be able to [get] the Loch Ness Monster elected before you could [get a woman].”

This from a dude who's had numerous drug and weapons violations. Those were well-thought decisions, I'm sure. And for the record, research has shown that women are more likely to deliberate when faced with decision-making, while a man will take rash risks.

Smoke that, T.I....

Albert The Dog says: "You smell like a steamy pile..."

"Love me!"

#1 JENNIFER CONNELL
OFFENSE: Bitch-ist (yes, I made that up.)
This female is not a celebrity, but she's become infamous. Why? For suing her 8-year-old nephew. Four years ago when she arrived at her nephew's birthday party, he was so happy to see her, he ran and jumped into her arms. They fell, and she broke her wrist. Four years later, she's sued him for $127,000 because supposedly insurance wouldn't cover her costs. And-- she had no choice but to sue. Plus, she lives in Manhattan and it's crowded and when she goes to parties-- she can't hold an hors d'oeuvres plate! How. Awful.

This is reprehensible. Suing a child who was HAPPY to see you? It was an accident. Sorry you needed two surgeries and have medical bills! Why didn't you try to work something out with your family instead of traumatizing a boy who loves you. Soul-less C. U. Next Tuesday!

Albert The Dog says: "I wouldn't hump your leg if you were the last leg on Earth!"

PHOTO CREDIT:
Taylor Swift https://www.flickr.com/photos/alongfortheride02/
T.I. https://www.flickr.com/photos/kicox1/
Poop https://www.flickr.com/photos/stevendepolo/

Shake It Off

Yellow Power

Just Don't Do It

A Bunch of Bad "Roosters"

Put On Your Big Girl Pants!

A Bunch of Dirty -Ists!

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