Shout It Out Wrong!

Offenders for the week ending March 24, 2017:
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This week our Slap-ees are given a phone number to call...

"This using-the-phone-thing sober is so stressful!"

#3 DRAKE

Apparently, he's taking the Usher route with some confessions on his latest album. On the track, "Free Smoke" he spills the tea:

                                       "I drunk text J.Lo/Old number, so it bounce back."

Well, he apparently got the right number... before she started blocking his calls. Really? That's all ya got!?!? You texted an old number!?!? WHAT did you text her while under the influence!?!?! That's the good stuff! That and your shady move of having some other chick re-sing all the vocals J.Lo did for your new album. Methinks you bumped uglies with this up-and-coming singer.How petty. You're the douchesniffer that CHEATED on her. Get over your lameness! 

P.S. She was too good for you. Wow. I'm really passionate about this.

Please call: 1-800-EAT-A-BAG-OF-SWEATY-DICKS

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"Uhhhh....."

#2 SHAQ

Maybe it's a basketball thing... but Shaq Fu is of one mind with Kyrie Irving. He also believes the Earth is flat. Shaq is known to be a joke-ster, so maybe he really doesn't. But he does sound convincing:

"In school, the first thing they teach us is 'Columbus discovered America', but when he got there, there were some fair-skinned people with the long hair smoking on the peace pipes. So, what does that tell you? Columbus didn't discover America.'

Okay. So, America was 'new to him.' What does that have to do with the Earth being flat!?!? 

"Have you looked outside Atlanta lately and seen all these buildings? You mean to tell me that China is under us?... It's not. The world is flat." 

I say we prove these people wrong once-and-for-all. Get a shovel and start digging.

You can't run from stupid.

Please call: 1-800-A-MIND-IS-A-TERRIBLE-THING-TO-WASTE

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"Awwww, shit. They heard that, didn't they?"

#1 MOHAMMED ANAS

I didn't know who this dude was until this week. Talk about an epic fail. M.A. is a soccer player from Ghana who plays for South Africa's Free State Stars. He'd just been named "Man of the Match" when he made this Freudian slip during a post-game interview: 

                           "Firstly I appreciate my fans... and my wife and my girlfriend." 

Say who? It could've been an honest mistake, right? Maybe he was just excited and nervous. Or perhaps he's actually the "Man of the Snatch" and that's why he made the slip. Hope he makes a lot of money as a footballer, because I think some make-up diamonds are in his future... if wifey doesn't rip off his jewels first.

You have been immortalized forever, Mr. Mohammed  An-"azz". 

Please call: 1-800-SHE'S-GON-GET-HALF

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