Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

Show Me the Muffin

10/9/2020

Offenders for the week ending October 9th, 2020:

#3 MAX EHRICH

DIdn't know much about this dude until he got engaged, and then un-engaged to Demi Lovato. Now, this dude is just feeling his feelings all public and stuff. Demi dropped him two months after they promised to say "I Do". Her people claim that he was using his elevated position in the spotlight to advance his career. Max claims she used him. Oh, snap!

"I thought I found the real deal. Now I found out that I was used. But I hope the song ("Still Have Me") is No. 1 because you know what? If that's what someone wants in the material world, here you go, you have it."

So... Demi dated you, got engaged to you, then dumped you so she'd have fodder for a song? Pfffft. We get it. Your man ego is bruised. Suck it up and STFU!

via GIPHY

#2 LANA DEL RAY

The singer had a book signing over the weekend for her new poetry book, "Violet Bent Backwards Over The Grass", and fans weren't too happy with her meet-and-greet fashion. A mesh face mask. Pretty. But ineffective-- though one fan claimed her mask did have a filter. Oh, sure. I hear the shear filters are the best. (said sarcastically)

But Lana doesn't give two COVID droplets about masks because:

"We were born to die."

Deep... And technically true. But reckless. I get it. You're all intellectual and poetic and more evolved than the rest of us. But actually, you're an idiot. Perhaps "Dumb Phuckus With Head Up Ass" should be the title of your next poetry book...

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#1 MARIAH CAREY

We're disappointed in your memoir, "The Meaning of Mariah." Cuz you've not dished about anything we want to hear about. Like, why you and Eminem hate each other. Or, why you never mentioned your current ex-fiancee James Packer. Sure, your whole premise is:

"If it was a relationship that mattered, it's in the book. If not, it didn't occur."

Just like so many people amongst us, just because you deny it happened doesn't mean it didn't actually happen. But, whatevs. But the biggest shocker was from a recent interview in which she revealed that she and James never knew each other carnally.

WTF!?!?

So. Many. Questions.

Did dude assume that her vajeen is just as golden as her voice, so no test drive needed? Or did Mariah say 'yes' under the premise that she thought she could keep the ring? Oh, wait. She tried to. But he threatened to sue her, so... that failed.

Perhaps the only size she was concerned about was his bank account-- which is porno-size huge.

Snatch Drunk

9/4/2020

Offenders for the week ending September 4, 2020:

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#3 MARIAH CAREY

Mariah is flapping her lips while on the press circuit to promote her soon-to-be-released memoir, "The Meaning of Mariah Carey". She was asked by a reporter to comment on rumors that former bed-buddy Eminem was stressed about the book. She responded:

"If somebody or something didn't pertain to the actual meaning of Mariah Carey, as is the title, then they aren't in the book."

Burrrrrrn...

So... guess he's not mentioned. Which sucks. Because these two have had beef for 19 years. Nineteen years!!! WTF happened between the two of you!?!? GAH!

If the title was: "The Moaning of Mariah Carey", would you then dish?

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#2 ANGELINA JOLIE

How long does it take to get divorced? Don't ask Angie. She's been dragging out her maybe-divorce from Brad Pitt since 2016! You could've gotten remarried and divorced at least three times in that span. Well, there's a reason why she can't let go:

It could harm the children.

Uhmmm, sure it can. But a messy divorce is a better alternative? Pffft. The real reason this is taking so long?:

"This is a game she's playing. She still has the kids for more of the time than he does, and she's trying to maintain that as long as possible...(and she has) love-hate feelings for Brad."

That's healthy.

Angie's team denies the aforementioned allegation. Methinks there's some truth to that. But it seems your boy Brad has moved on. Speaking of...

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#1 BRAD PITT

Why slap Brad? Cuz his woman-picker is off. Again. Glad he's trying to free himself from the grips of that Venus Flysnatch, Angie. But now he's falling into the poontrap of a 27-year-old model named Nicole Poturalski-- who bears a resemblance to his whenever-she-becomes-his-ex-wife-number-two. It has nothing to do with the age difference. It has everything to do with the fact that she's married.

Yup.

His new lady love is married to German restaurateur, 68-year-old Roland Mary. They've been entangled for eight years and have a 7-year-old son. But it's all good, because Roland is all down with her being a seed dumpster. Because they have an "open relationship."

Uh-huh.

Oh, Brad. Try to keep it classy. Sure, it may seem like a sweet deal-- an all-you-can-eat 24/7 buffet that you don't have to bank roll, but... ewwwww.

You should've stayed with Jennifer, dumbass.

The Stars Have Fallen...

1/5/2018

Offenders for the week ending January 5, 2018:

With the new year comes resolutions. Sometimes it's difficult to come up with something good to fail at eventually. That's where we lend a helping hand. We suggest a resolution for each offender this week.

"(Singing) Get me some Tetley, Lipton, or mother-effin Bigelow..."

#3 MARIAH CAREY

First of all, kudos for agreeing to come back again to Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve after last year's internet-blazing craptastic performance. She did redeem herself. Kinda. Until she couldn't resist gettin' all diva-tastic when she inquired where her tea was after finishing her first tune:

Girl, please. Just concentrate on hitting the notes and not farting so your uber-tight costume doesn't burst open. Nobody needs injured from your flying fashion shrapnel. Maybe if your massive mams weren't exposed to the sub-zero temps of NYC, you wouldn't need any tea during your five minute show! And here's another thought-- plan ahead. Have one of your minions fetch a beverage that they can hold for you on stage, and let you sup from whenever you beckon.

I know. It sucks to be one of us...

Your New Year's Resolution: Get Tanaka tea (bagged).

"Just call me Countess de Liqueur..."

#2 LUANN DE LESSEPS

On Christmas Eve, The Real Housewives of New York star was busted on charges of battery on an officer, disorderly intoxication, resisting arrest with violence, and crimes against a person. She even threatened to kill police and swung at an officer. This from the woman who wrote the etiquette book "Class with the Countess: How to Live with Elegance and Flair" (Was that Rick Flair?)

The count-less was truly embarrassed, has apologized, and voluntarily checked herself into rehab. But, her first ex-husband-- Count Alexandre de Lesseps-- is out of f*cks to give. He wants her drop his name.

"After she remarried she officially lost the title and now he's demanding that she stop pretending to have a title she doesn't."

Ouch.

Maybe you need an addendum to your little book that gives us step-by-step tips on how to Zsa Zsa Gabor a police officer.

Your New Year's Resolution: Change your name to Betty de Ford.

"My douchebaggery is vast..."

#1 LOGAN PAUL

No wonder other countries hate on us. We take assh&les and make them famous. Like social media "star" Logan Paul-- known for his short videos about... stuff. He has more than 16 million Instagram followers, so a lot of teens like his "stuff." He recently visited Aokigahara, a dense forest known as the "Sea of Trees" on the northwestern side of Mount Fiji. The beautiful forest is sadly known as a popular destination for people to attempt suicide. Well, as soon as Logan entered the forest, he discovered a man's dead body. So, why not make that tragedy the center of your next stupid video?

His video commentary was a tasteless, poor attempt at humor. And the world got really angry at him. But he did it for the views. Or he didn't...

But... he's, like, totally sorry:

And now he's taking a break from vlogging. Good. Bye, you self-entitled piece of smeg.

Your New Year's Resolution: Eat a bag of steamy "Richards". Make that an extra large bag..

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

Diva Overload!

5/26/2017

Offenders for the week ending May 26, 2017:

"This is how a Canadian kicks your ass!"

#3 CELINE DION

You're a classy dame, Celine. And yes, a diva. But a good diva. So why the fuss? Things were less-than-cozy between Celine and Cher at the Billboard Music Awards last Sunday in Vegas. Celine and Cher have competing residencies in Vegas, but Celine believes she is the Grand Dame of The Strip. So, when the awards show rolled around and Cher got more stage time-- well, Mizz Dion was not happy.

What more time did you really need? You sang "My Heart Will Go On". It was special, marking it's rise to the top of the charts 20 years ago. Were you going to re-enact the sinking of the Titanic? Plus, Cher was receiving an icon award. And at the age of 71, she deserved to take all the time she wanted. Perspective, please. You're a Canadian that we actually like. Don't ruin it.

#crazycanuck

"I'm so fab I fart sparkles."

#2 CHER

Are you getting slapped for showing off your body? No. Wearing costumes nobody would dare to? No. I'm upset about your left nipple. And your blatant discrimination against it. Cher wore a Cher-esque outfit for the Billboard Music Awards, complete with pasties. Well, a pasty for just the left nipple. Apparently the right one is her favorite-- cuz she let that sista stand proud and free!

Cher-- you've been an outspoken advocate for those discriminated against and forgotten. You've always lived your life as you see fit. And yet... and yet, why the left nipple hate? I find it even more appalling that you would shun the left, since you're a liberal. Wouldn't it make more sense to censor the right, so to speak? Free both your nipples or none at all! Where can we protest?

P.S. I could've lived the rest of my life not ever seeing one of Cher's nipples.

#leftnippleequality

"Tanaka, I need you... to wipe my brow."

#1 MARIAH CAREY

What's that smell? Desperation. And it reeks. Is it because you need to drum-up some ticket sales for your tour with Lionel that you're resorting to planting faux stories in a faux media world? Guess who Dumb Diva is allegedly "making nice" with? Former BoyToy Lova Bryan Tanaka. The same BoyToy-Lova that she dumped because he was spending too much of her fortune. Sigh.

The pair reunited for a dinner date at Wolfgang Puck's Beverly Hills restaurant. And guess what? The paparazzi just happened to be there. Amazing! It's not like she'd actually resort to calling them beforehand... (insert sarcasm) And her peeps, fearing this really might be a reunion, had this to say:

"Her team is worried Bryan could harm Mariah's well-being should they get back together. They've gone all out to stop it from happening."

Either accept that he's poorer than you, but you're addicted to his Oscar Mayer, so it's on again... or find a man that has your same resources!

#needyandskeevy

PHOTO CREDIT:
GIFs www.giphy.com

Goop-ed Again!

4/14/2017

Offenders for the week ending April 14, 2017:

There are some familiar faces on the Slap this week. If they'd only behave...

"Pack yo bags, Felicia!"

#3 MARIAH CAREY

She was fast-tracking her relationship with boy-toy-tiny-dancer Bryan Tanaka with talks of marriage and children, but she slammed on the brakes. Why? There was so much genuine lust, I mean, love there. See, baby boy Binaca was treating Mimi like an ATM machine, with his penchant for a flashy wardrobe and blingy stuffs angering her. Well, it's your own damn fault! I saw with my own eyes on your reality show how you dropped $3,000 on clothing for your former fling. Look in the mirror, Fair Diva. You set the precedent.

But that's not the only crime he's committed. It seems Bryan is not the most mature man out there. He reportedly is extremely jealous of Mariah's healthy relationship with ex-Nick Cannon. That whole co-parenting-thing-acting-like-adults is obviously atrocious. (Insert eye roll) So what if the two have lunch together, or vacation with the family together. They're exs. And you're included. At least you were.

Oh, Mariah, didn't you learn from Ms. Jennifer Lopez and her younger dancing beau, Casper Smart? That's right. You don't know who she is. Hey, maybe Tanaka can go dance with JLo now!

"Cash me outside!"

#2 SHIA LABEOUF

Poor, Shia. Maybe he was depressed because only three people showed up to the premiere of his new movie. (What new movie? Exactly.) Or, maybe this is a life lesson for all of us-- don't get between a man and his desire for french fries. Why you ask? Cuz Shia gonna go. OFF. After three hours of draaaanking some beers at a bowling alley, the "actor" sashayed over to the deli connected next door and wanted fries. That's all. The bartender refused to make an order. And that's when Shia spewed all kinds of lovely things, including calling the dude a racist.

Mmmkay.

Usually when one throws a temper tantrum, you try to walk out having the last say. Not Shia. Nope. Dude had to go back to the bowling alley because he stormed out while still wearing the rented bowling shoes. Sigh....

We shall rename you Shia La-poof. Because you're career has disappeared. Like your pride.

"I know everything about everything!"

#1 GWYNETH PALTROW

There was a point in time when I really did like her. Really-- I swear! I liked her movies. She dated Brad Pitt for a hot minute. And then, something happened. Did an alien replace you? Or have you always been a complete self-absorbed egomaniac bitchhole? Who made this creature a lifestyle expert? And now, an apparent linguist!?!? She brought the phrase "conscious uncoupling" to the masses. Previously called a "divorce". Her latest:

"earthing"

WTF is "earthing"? Previously known as "walking barefoot in the grass."

I'm so tired of folks like her trying to soften the blow of words or situations by trying to make them sound hip. Things are what they are! I understand that your acting career is retired in Shitsville, but that doesn't mean you need to sully the lifestyle genre. What's next from the woman who advocates vaj steaming, twat rocks, and "affordable" wardrobes?!?!

I'd like to "intentionally vanish" you from the universe. Previously known as "permanently ending your breathing". How about that, smarty pants?

PHOTO CREDITS:
GIFs www.giphy.com

Size Triple D

3/17/2017

As in: diva, a dick, and a ditz...

Offenders for the week ending March 17, 2017:
This week's Slap-ees will receive an appropriate Irish saying.

Tanaka says: "I think I found what I lost in these here bushes..."

#3 MARIAH CAREY

Our favorite diva just can't get out of the hot mess vortex. Her modus operandi of securing constant male companionship continues. Her latest victim: dancer Brian Tanaka. We saw their re-connection on her reality show "Mariah's World." We also know that Mariah was engaged at the time to some international billionaire, but he didn't make enough time for her. So that opened the door for Tanaka to become Mariah's next manservant. Word has it she really wants to marry her young lover-- whether he wants to or not! She must believe that the third time's a charm...

"Mariah is already talking marriage and kids because she is absolutely enamored by this guy. She's convinced now that he's the one..."

Apparently, friends have been encouraging her to put the brakes on-- but Mariah don't listen to no one! In fact, she's shopping for engagement rings. Way to make this a transaction. Why not just have him give you a red-solo-cup-donation and call it a day. (wink, wink)

Mariah: Wake up, girl. Tanaka: you best moonwalk right out of her penthouse.

Your Irish Saying: (and this is for Tanaka) "If you want praise, die. If you want blame, marry."

"My lips are movin', so I must be lyin' about somethin'..."

#2 VANDERPUMP RULES STAR JAX TAYLOR

This perpetual man-child can't stop pouting when he doesn't get his way. This time he was at an event and wanted his picture taken with The Bachelor star Nick Viall. But Nick said he doesn't do social media. Then things got ugly:

"I have no f*cking idea who you are... Bro, you're on the f*cking Bachelor. You're gonna be gone in two weeks and nobody will know who the f&ck you are."

Ouchie. Then, he proceeded to call Nick an egotistical d-bag and much more-- to his face. Truth is, a ton of people wanted their picture taken with Nick and not Jax. Plus, Mr. Taylor had some "liquid courage" going on, which makes him extra loser-ish.

Nice, old-man-frat-boy. By the way, nobody would know who the f*ck you are, Jax-ass if it weren't for the show you're on. You're a nearly-40-year-old bartender!!!

Your Irish Saying: "May you live to be 100 years, with one extra to repent." (Think of all the years of trainwreck reality TV we'd get if he lived that long!)

"WikiLeaks on these, Julian!"

#1 PAMELA ANDERSON

She does like her bad boys. And the object of her love is WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. She's been spotted bringing him food at the Ecuadorean Embassy where he's been holed-up for the past four years to avoid extradition to Sweden on rape charges. And for all you naysayers out there, he's innocent until proven guilty.

"My Julian is the most intelligent, interesting, and informed man in existence."

The feeling is mutual:

"She's an attractive person with an attractive personality and whip-smart. She's psychologically savvy."

Oh, I bet she's good with a whip! Anywho, not everyone believes Pammy's intentions are true. One former associate had this tidbit:

"Pamela doesn't do anything unless she is getting paid... and a few years ago, she was pretty broke."

Noooooo! But she wrote this about her beloved. A poem entitled: "My Julian."

Pamela, Pamela, Pamela. Apparently there's some TitiLeaks going on. That implant juice has hit your brain.

Your Irish Saying: "It's easy to halve the potato where there's love."

PHOTO CREDIT:
Gifs www.giphy.com

A Mimi, A Stinky, & A Dick-y...

6/5/2015

Offenders for the week of June 1, 2015:

This week, we discover which phone number our Slapees should have on speed-dial...

"Maybe I'm craaaazzzzzy..."

#3 MARIAH CAREY
OFFENSE: Self-abusing
We've been amused by your diva ways over the years. We even rolled with your infamous 2001 MTV TRL meltdown... now it's time for a much-needed reality check. Yes, reality. Not this delusional drug and alcohol haze you've reportedly creating for yourself.

Back in the day, you couldn't give much credence to the National Enquirer-- BUT-- they've broken so many stories over the years, including Tiger Woods and John Edwards, so... Her brother claims that she's caught in a suicidal web of alcohol and drug abuse, and that Mariah was even hittin' the bottle when she was pregnant. She's supposedly trying to numb her mental struggles with wine and champagne.

Come on! You're extremely talented and beautiful-- don't ruin it! Consider this a much-needed wake-up slap!

On speed-dial: 1-800-DON'T-WAKE-UP-DEAD

"What HASN'T been in my mouth!"

#2 MILEY CYRUS
OFFENSE: Rank
Miley's sporting a long, luxurious fur... under her armpits! And she's damn proud of them! In fact, she showed them off on Instagram. Thank goodness Instagram ain't scratch-n-sniff... Why the need for the added accessory? It's not like you're hiking in Guatemala, eating granola and wearing Crocs for Greenpeace. Are you storing your blunts in there? Your pride? Are you trying for some gross Guinness World Record for length? Maybe you're using it as a fashion accessory or scarf on those chilly nights? Or perhaps you enjoy the... aroma of your own stank. Cuz unshaven, crusty pit hair is a turn-on... for... woodland creatures... or the Japanese...

This does leave me with one question: I wonder if the pits match the carpet? Shaggy!

On speed-dial: 1-800-CHEWBACCA-CHACH

"I am f*cking awesome!"

#1 CHRIS BROWN
OFFENSE: A waste of genetic matter
This loser sack-pimple was flying high recently-- and literally on a private jet. He was spending quality time with Mary Jane when he couldn't control his douchey ways. Smoking, of any kind, is banned by the FAA-- even on private jets. When the flight crew reminded Chrissy of that, he handled it the way he usually does...

He "eloquated": ‘I paid $60,000 for this jet, so I own it and everyone inside.’”

Awwww, you're such a big, important man! When an older female flight attendant continued to address the situation, this was his "touching" response:

"What is your old ass doing here anyway? I like to have the help be people I’d actually like to f---.’”

All this from a man who's supposedly "changed". It's just a shame, what a disgrace you are to your family, your gender, and to humankind.

Too bad the flight crew didn't open the door and push you out... without a parachute.

On speed-dial: 1-800--GO-CHOKE-ON-YOUR-SISTER'S-"RICHARD"

PHOTO CREDIT:
Mariah Carey: https://www.flickr.com/photos/disneyabc/
Miley Cyrus: https://www.flickr.com/photos/hotgossipitalia/
Chris Brown: https://www.flickr.com/photos/evarinaldiphotography/

Show Me the Muffin

Snatch Drunk

The Stars Have Fallen...

Diva Overload!

Goop-ed Again!

Size Triple D

A Mimi, A Stinky, & A Dick-y...

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