Offenders for the week of July 20, 2015:
This week our Slapees get a fruit bowl befitting their offense...
"I know everything!"
#3 GWYNETH PALTROW
OFFENSE: Wench
She's supposed to be so much better than us and more evolved, but she's pathetic. Truly. She manages to take a jab at ex-hubby Chris Martin every chance she gets. In a recent interview, she slams him for his parenting skills. Because there are days he doesn't like her (every).
"It's been hard, and you know, like, we've gone through really difficult times with it but we've always said these children are our priority. What that really means is, even though today you hate me and you never want to see me again, like, we're going to brunch 'cause it's Sunday and that's what we'll do!"
Like, fer sure! Totally! Yawn...
I get it-- acting like adults for the sake of the kiddos and not ripping the other apart in front of them. But there are just some days you can't endure being with your cold-hearted, cold-taco ex-wife. So why force it? Cuz the kids will pick up on the tension. Stop trying to be a controlling C-U-Next-Tuesday.
Your fruit bowl: Jackfruit...because you're a jackass.
OFFENSE: Wench
She's supposed to be so much better than us and more evolved, but she's pathetic. Truly. She manages to take a jab at ex-hubby Chris Martin every chance she gets. In a recent interview, she slams him for his parenting skills. Because there are days he doesn't like her (every).
"It's been hard, and you know, like, we've gone through really difficult times with it but we've always said these children are our priority. What that really means is, even though today you hate me and you never want to see me again, like, we're going to brunch 'cause it's Sunday and that's what we'll do!"
Like, fer sure! Totally! Yawn...
I get it-- acting like adults for the sake of the kiddos and not ripping the other apart in front of them. But there are just some days you can't endure being with your cold-hearted, cold-taco ex-wife. So why force it? Cuz the kids will pick up on the tension. Stop trying to be a controlling C-U-Next-Tuesday.
Your fruit bowl: Jackfruit...because you're a jackass.
"I love doing this yogurt exercise thingie!"
#2 KIM KARDASHIAN
OFFENSE: Idiot
Kimmie's grooming her two-year-old daughter to be a superficial twat-waffle, too. How? By hiring North her own personal trainer. Gotta get rid of that baby fat, ya know? When Kim is done with her own session, she lets her dude workout with North once or twice a week. Kim says it's important for her daughter to become accustomed to a gym routine early in life.
When are the implants and waxing going to happen? At the age of four? Ridiculous.
What happened to letting a two-year-old be a two-year-old? Like... I dunno...letting them play as their form of exercise? This poor child is going to be in therapy before she hits Pre-K!
Your fruit bowl: Kiwano-- the Blowfish Fruit... need I say more?
OFFENSE: Idiot
Kimmie's grooming her two-year-old daughter to be a superficial twat-waffle, too. How? By hiring North her own personal trainer. Gotta get rid of that baby fat, ya know? When Kim is done with her own session, she lets her dude workout with North once or twice a week. Kim says it's important for her daughter to become accustomed to a gym routine early in life.
When are the implants and waxing going to happen? At the age of four? Ridiculous.
What happened to letting a two-year-old be a two-year-old? Like... I dunno...letting them play as their form of exercise? This poor child is going to be in therapy before she hits Pre-K!
Your fruit bowl: Kiwano-- the Blowfish Fruit... need I say more?
B: "Fuck you." M: "Eat a bag of dicks."
#1 BLAKE SHELTON & MIRANDA LAMBERT
OFFENSE: Killers
Because of you and your divorce. Love. Has. Died. You were so perfect together. How can anyone's marriage work if yours failed? I mean, forget the fact that Blake on his first wife with Miranda. He won't stray on you! You were together for 10 years, married for four. Because of your mutual selfishness and lack of thought for the entire human race, we can't eat, sleep, think straight... or... love-- ever again.
Thanks for the ruination of an institution.
Your fruit bowl: Crabapples... because they're bittter, just like we are.
End of sarcasm...
OFFENSE: Killers
Because of you and your divorce. Love. Has. Died. You were so perfect together. How can anyone's marriage work if yours failed? I mean, forget the fact that Blake on his first wife with Miranda. He won't stray on you! You were together for 10 years, married for four. Because of your mutual selfishness and lack of thought for the entire human race, we can't eat, sleep, think straight... or... love-- ever again.
Thanks for the ruination of an institution.
Your fruit bowl: Crabapples... because they're bittter, just like we are.
End of sarcasm...
PHOTO CREDIT:
Gwyneth Paltrow https://www.flickr.com/photos/yausser/
Kim Kardashian https://www.flickr.com/photos/synergybyjasmine/
Blake and Miranda https://www.flickr.com/photos/disneyabc/
Gwyneth Paltrow https://www.flickr.com/photos/yausser/
Kim Kardashian https://www.flickr.com/photos/synergybyjasmine/
Blake and Miranda https://www.flickr.com/photos/disneyabc/
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