OFFENSE: Rage-a-holic
It's been two years since she and Robert Pattinson called it quits, but it seems KStew can't quit hopes of a reunion. Well, those dreams were shattered when word leaked out that RPatz and musician FKA Twigs are now engaged. Get ready for a tsunami of angst! A source claims Kristen can't believe the two would get engaged after knowing each other for only few months. Egad! Plus, she thinks the only reason he's gotten engaged is to get back at her. HA HA HA HA HA!
Here's a thought, Frumpy Pants. If you wouldn't have CHEATED on Robert with some geriatric movie director, perhaps you'd be wearing the bling. Oh, that's right... Robert didn't want to marry you-- saying he "wasn't ready".
Go ahead and cry your buckets of tears into your 90s-Era grunge flannel. At least take comfort that your situation is another teachable moment: Letting your "kitty" on the prowl can only end in breakups, heartbreak, and something requiring penicillin.
Hashtag #rottingfish
OFFENSE: Idiot
Seriously, what's the obsession with Kelly Clarkson's weight? And why is it even an issue? Wall-ass was being interviewed on some other toolbag's radio show when Kelly's weight became the topic of conversation. When host Mike Gallagher commented that Kelly had "blown up", Chris responded with:
“Kelly Clarkson’s got a lovely voice. She could stay off the deep dish pizza for a little while.”
Hey-- have you two sack pimples looked in the mirror lately? Not so lovely yourselves. And-- way to be responsible journalists. We have a rampant problem with negative body image in this country, and you ain't helping matters. And by the way, how 'bout you gestate a child for nine months, then try to push a bowling ball out of your weener slot. Yeah, you'll be cryin' like the silly douche you really are.
Now, go back to your one-sided news reporting in your fantasy world while I pour you a Polar Pop-sized beverage of STFU.
Hashtag #MyLifeWONTSuckWithoutYou
OFFENSE: Bat-sh*t crazy
I guess she's bored with the AARP discounts and early bird specials, because Babs is back with an interview for tonight's "20/20". She's interviewed so many fascinating guests over the past century. Who's getting spotlighted tonight? Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau. Remember them? Mary Kay served seven years in prison for basically molesting her then 12-year-old student and getting pregnant with his child a while back-- while she was married with four kids of her own. Mary Kay and her child groom married in 2005, and are celebrating their 10-year wedding anniversary. So sweet. What should we get them? A framed sex-offender-lives-in-your-neighborhood portrait?
Why in the name of all things decent are we supposed be celebrating this? It truly boggles my mind. This is another example of the eradication of journalism from our nation. Babs has become another hack. If you can't see why this should not be a news story, then you need more than a bottle of Centrum Silver. You need a large dose of decency and common sense!
And to you, Mary Key La-Pervo... your future husband was 12! Twelve! From a troubled home. And you took advantage of all that to satisfy your devious defects. And what do you think you're proving by doing this interview? That no one or nothing can stop true love between a minor and a below-the-belt opportunist? You are a pedophile, no matter how you want to spin it.
You don't even deserve to be called a P.O.S. because at least that was a by-product of something productive. You serve no purpose.
Hashtag #EataSweatyBag
Kristen Stewart: https://www.flickr.com/photos/elhormiguerotv/
Donkey: https://www.flickr.com/photos/ddebold/
Barbara Walters: https://www.flickr.com/photos/ellasportfolio/