Fart the friendly skies...
www.giphy.com
Of "air biscuits"! Air travel is painful enough. Let alone when some testicle beater on your flight decides to stank up the enclosed area with their ass ocarina symphony. Some dude on a flight to Amsterdam from Dubai refused to put a cork in it when asked by his two Dutch victims to stop with the fart attack. Then, things went south. The flight crew was useless, so a fight broke out and the pilot had to turn the plane around. If you're nervous about flying, take something ahead of time! Perhaps airlines need to hand out bottles of Beano with those snacks before someone shoves those Stroopwafels up someone's stink emitter. Fart the friendly skies... PHOTO CREDIT: www.giphy.com I don't get these designers/fashionistas... No real-life person would wear any of the weirdo/craptastic outfits they trot-out during New York Fashion Week. And who's to say this trash is "fashion"? Case in point: Vagina wigs You read that correctly. Vagina. Wigs. A South Korean designer created these punk-inspired crotch coverings (meant to be worn on the outside for all tosee) for good reason: "to assist irregular silhouettes... to bridge the gap of hard versus soft." Let's break this down: 1. Irregular silhouettes... all I can visualize is some porno-Alfred-Hitchcock rendition of some chick's hoo-ha. 2. Hard vs. soft... Like a cushion for an unscheduled wiener landing? Foam the runway! I thought we ladies didn't want our our cookie jars on display. You know, that whole "treat me like a person, not an object" thing. Plus, if a lady were to show off her natural southern fro in pub(l)ic, she'd get arrested. Fine. I'm going to design bell bottom thigh highs and make this a complete 70s throwback. Lovers of Demi Moore's 80s Don King-esque landscaping from that infamous Playboy spread are rejoicing... Vurp. PHOTO CREDIT: www.giphy.com There's nothing more precious and memorable (for either good or bad reasons) than when one loses the "V Card". 74-year-old David Huggins said he was seduced by an alien when he was 17. The close encounter happened in the woods. Of course it did. "I think she wears a wig I'm not really sure, big black eyes and long black fingernails." Angelina Jolie really is an alien! Look! Her milkshake brings all the boys to Mars! During a TV interview, Huggins said he first encountered aliens when he was a wee (wee) Jersey boy. When asked why aliens would choose a deli worker from the Garden State, he responded: "I was always there for a reason and I would do whatever they ask me to do." Intergalactic gigolo! Indulge me these bad puns: That alien sure took Huggins "to the moon and back"! Did she say the encounter was "out of this world"? Talk about 50 Shades of "Grey"... I'm done. To see Mr. Huggins and to learn more about his alien love connection, CLICK HERE. PHOTO CREDIT: www.giphy.com We as a world are just obsessed about our genitalia. Really, we are. If you're in a situation where you have someone who wants to see you naked and make-nice with you, I don't think someone is going to judge your "southern style"-- unless there is something grotesquely wrong. First, the bleaching of the "starfish". Now, in Thailand... the whitening of the "banana". Yup. In Bangkok (no kidding), a clinic is whitening more than 100 men per month! One staff (hee hee) worker commented: "We have to be careful because it's a sensitive part of the body." Thanks, Captain Obvious. This clinic first received notoriety for their "3D Vagina" procedure, which uses the customer's own body fat to make the cookie jar fuller. Anywho, why would one need to whiten the wang? Is it because dark colors are slimming? Is it because white symbolizes the Divine and aids in mental clarity? It costs about $650 for five sessions. Yikes! Forget the laser, I can help you out for less-- and I'll use a Crest whitening strip! P.S. The title of this post is misleading... Because my momma (the Korean Tasmanian Devil) told me two reasons why I should never date an Asian man: 1. They're cheap. 2. The "egg roll" is more like a "bamboo shoot"... Move over, Disney. Ringaskiddy in County Cork, Ireland, may be the happiest place on Earth! Why? Well, there's a Viagra factory in that town. And the locals say the air is filled with arousal-- literally! Local bartender Debbie O'Grady had this insight: "One whiff and you're stiff." Yup. Love is in the air... and maybe the water. The menfolk are happy all the time, and so are man's best friend. "Even the dogs here have been known to walk around in a state of sexual excitement." But I thought after four hours... Anywho, Pfizer-- the makers of Viagra-- says no such thing is true because the company takes great pride in following production regulations. Riiight. Residents say people come to visit, then never leave. Is this Hotel Bonerfornia? One way ticket to Ireland, anyone? I've said it many times-- hats off to our men and women in blue. They go into dangerous situations while we're trying to escape them. They answer the call when needed. And they have to deal with sketchy folk. Sigh. If I'm facing federal gun and drug charges, I might be a little more respectful. But I'm no criminal, and criminals aren't known for clear-thinking and upstanding morals. Sean A. Sykes Jr. will go down in history for his handling of a recent interrogation. Of course he knew nuthin' about nuthin' about the crime-- but he does know methane. Home brewed methane. Most of us would answer questions with our words. For example: Detective: "What's your address?" Most of Society: "123 Whatever Street." But this is not how Mr. Sykes handled the situation. He decided to be more silent but deadly... In his report, the interviewing detective asked Sykes about his address. Then this happened: "Mr. Sykes leaned to one side of his chair and released a loud fart before answering." This whole thing stinks to high Heaven, but I am impressed. To fart on demand is a skill. I wonder when the next cycle of America's Got Talent is... Perhaps Lord FARTleroy was inspired by this: Some things get bastardized over time. Like the word "f*ck"-- which originally was an acronym for the phrase "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge." Today, it's one of the most versatile words out there. But this is interesting-- "the finger" has always been the finger! And the loving gesture dates back to the ancient Greeks! The philosopher Diogenes The Cynic made the gesture to orator Demosthenes in the 4th century BC in Athens. I guess some people at an inn wanted to see Demosthenes. Diogenes allegedly showed them his middle finger instead and exclaimed: "This, for you, is the demagogue of the Athenians." Meow. According to an anthropologist: "The middle finger symbolizes the penis and the curved fingers on both sides, the two testicles. By doing so, you essentially give someone an offensive phallic gesture." Okay. So does this make us all flashers, essentially? Pervs? But I digress. Let's make sure we're doing it all properly-- no thumb sticking up! We salute you, with one finger, Diogenes. Thanks for the offense! Love the Ed Sheeran song. And sometimes you love the shape of an object you think might be the love of your life. No judgement here. So what's the above pic all about? The love of booty. A shapely woman's booty. That CEMENT MIXER looks like a badonkadonk, right? The lovesick middle-aged Scot was caught on smartphone video rubbing up against the metal for a few seconds before he realized that he had been spied. Uh-oh. That's when he told the amateur cameraman that he thought the cement mixer was a "bird". Thoughts: 1. Dude needs glasses. 2. Dude needs to back off the champipple. 3. Dude thinks it's appropriate to just rubs a woman's backside whenever he feels like it? Hell, no! 3. WTH would be have done to his beloved cement mixer had he not been caught!?!? I feel like we need to intervene and send him some companionship. Here ya go: P.S. I'm actually relieved he thought the mixer was a booty and not a... how should I put this... a "meow meow". Would he be the said hot dog thrown down the hallway? PHOTO CREDIT: Fair use But yet so many people do. So. Many. I've never been to Pevely, Missouri, but perhaps I should visit. People seem to be very open there. Very... exposed. And comfortable in a stranger's home. Apparently, Catherine Therrell is a part of the Pevely Welcome Wagon. Or maybe she's an event planner. Anywho, imagine returning home with your two young boys to find a stranger sitting on your couch. Sitting naked on your couch. Why was Ms. Therrell there? For a birthday party. That didn't exist. Homeowner Brianna Willey told her to put her clothes on and get the eff out of there! So, she put her clothes on backwards while the cops were called. And guess what? She was druuuuuunk-- three times over the legal limit. On top of that, this wasn't her first offense. Oh, no... she plowed into a home back in February. And yes, she was tore-up-from-the-floor-up in that instance as well. Sigh. I will give her credit for donning her birthday suit for the birthday party. But I'm wondering where she was holding the birthday present. In the back or front "storage unit"? I wonder... what would an invitation to an adult birthday party be like? Assuming un-clothed Catherine thought she was attending an adult birthday party. YOU'RE INVITED! Attire: Wear whatcha were wearin' the day you were born ;) Activities: Ring toss, cornhole, balloon fight, petting zoo P.S. Don't stand too close to the candles on the cake! PHOTO CREDIT: Homer on couch www.giphy.com |
About The "V" Spot...Welcome to what's floating around in my mind. Some serious. Some silly. But all me. You've been warned... Categories
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