Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel

Secret Ingredient

2/20/2019

Last week I shared with you this "trend", or attempt at a "trend", of eating squirrel meat. Because it's tasty and controls the squirrel population. Ick.

Speaking of ick... the latest food "trend"-- menstrual blood. In foods.

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And there are specific reasons for it. Not because you want to be known as the culinary wizard behind On The Rag Ragu... but because you want to keep your man faithful and worshiping the ground you walk on.

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One blogger is all for it because this spits in the face of periods being taboo. Periods aren't taboo. Periods effing suck. I hate mine. Every month. I want Mamma Meno to show up because I'm tired of it all. With that said, it ain't cool to sneak some "red" into your man's meal for your underhanded reasons. If you need to rely on "magic" to keep your man, then you're going to be an insecure person your entire life. Here's a thought: invest in your relationship. Put the work in. And if he still walks, then let him. The next one will be better.

P.S. Just because most men will eat anything, they're not dumpsters for our womanly refuse. Let Tampax handle it.

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Just. No.

2/13/2019

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I have a diverse palette. I enjoy cuisine from different areas, regions, countries. Also, I'm practical. But there's no way I'm eating squirrel for dinner.

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Some people hate squirrels. Some people ate squirrels. I love squirrels. They've always been my "pet". I've been feeding squirrels out of my hand since childhood. I couldn't imagine feasting on one with a side of mac n cheese. But some chefs think we should be eating more squirrel-- because it will control the population.

Okay. Should we be eating dumb people because there's a whole lotta dumb in this world? Hecks-to-the-NO! One chef in London is cookin' up all the grey squirrels he can. He says it's delicious. Oh, sure. Tastes like chicken, right?

If the world becomes The Walking Dead, then whatevs. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Otherwise, where's the beef?

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Hot Taco

12/19/2018

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The internet. So glad Al Gore invented it for all of us to lose precious brain cells cyber slacking. It's quite the battle ground. We'll heatedly debate anything on the interwebs.

Put aside the "Baby, It's Cold Outside" fight, and make way for:

A hot dog is a taco.

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The war has already been waged on whether or not a hot dog is a sandwich or not. Thanks to pot-stirrers the Washington Post, they intimated that a hot dog is a taco.

A sandwich is stuff between two pieces of bread. A hot dog doesn't qualify because the ween is nestled in a bun-- which is one folded piece of "bread". So, they theorize that a hot dog is a taco.

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Maybe. But wouldn't a hot dog then be categorized as a soft taco? I don't understand why we can't just let a hot dog be a hot dog and stand alone in its own category. Why must we try to make a hot dog fit into another food box?

The only way I think that hot dogs and tacos are related is that some "hot dogs" are in search of a (pink) taco.

However you feel, just shove them both in your mouth and enjoy.

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Disappearing Dick

6/20/2018

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Say goodbye to Dick. Spotted Dick, that is.

The British-birthed dessert that's made all us juveniles-at-heart snicker has been renamed to: Spotted Richard.

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Michael Fabricant, Lichfield's Conservative MP is not pleased with these developments:

"Call a dick a dick, I say!"

Well, that's my life philosophy... but we're talking about desserts here.

In case you are unaware, Spotted Dick is a steamed suet pudding containing dried fruit and most likely originated in the middle of the 19th Century. The "spotted" part refers to the currants, which look like spots; the "dick" part is derived from the word dough.

Who cares if the dessert is named Spotted Dick. I'm upset because in our American translation, this is false advertising! I expect to see some spotted phallic thingie on my plate for my consumption. Don't tell me dough is dick and now I'm thinking doughnuts are "dicknuts." Then there's "cookie dick ice cream", "pizza dick".... nooooo!

Just leave your dick alone, would ya?

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Where My Defib At?

2/14/2017

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There are a gajillion different diet plans out there. A popular one is to go carb-less. Cool! How 'bout replacing those carbs with artery-clogging death instead?!?!

Say what?

Allow me to introduce you to... the CHIZZA.

KFC just launched a chicken crust pizza. Not a crust made of chicken-- the ENTIRE pizza shell is a big ol' flatten fried chicken breast. Add some pizza sauce, ham, and mozzarella cheese... and there you go! Straight to quadruple bypass!

Since we're all friends here, can we address the name? I realize it's a mashup of chicken and pizza, but it sounds like a mashup of a middle-age dude in his basement and the hooker he bought on Craigslist (if you get what I mean.)

Good. Lord. Why? Why the need for outrageous food concoctions? Does KFC really stand for Kentucky-sized F*cking Coronary ?!?!?

Anywho, I do have some sad news...if you were hoping to shove this in your mouth. It's only available in the Philippines, India, and Singapore. I think they launch these things in Asian nations, because Asians never get fat... except for Sumo wrestlers. But they WANT to be fat. Job security.

P.S. Wipe that chizza off your chin...

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Colonel Weiner

1/28/2015

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I think we dodged an artery-clogging bullet with this one. For two days only, KFC sold its Double Down Dog-- in the Philippines. You'd think this dietary gem would surely be offered in the States, but no. The Double Down Dog is a hot dog covered in cheese and wrapped with a chicken breast instead of a bun.

(Please don't lick the screen.)

The Double Down Dog...

Forget how this "meal" is a handful of heart attack.

All I'm saying is one extra letter in the word "dog", and we've got a porn title.

"The Double Down Dong: starring One Hung Low. All the ladies love this meaty beast..."

The Triple-D reminds me of a story from my childhood. No. Not a porno, but a story of a misplaced letter in the word "dog"...

I was just an innocent little girl (what happened?) when my dad uttered the biggest faux pas EVER. There was this hot dog place inside the mall that we loved to frequent. One day, dad decided we needed a road trip and a hot dog.

Cool!

We're at the counter. Mom places my order and hers. Then dad orders. He asks the nice young lady behind the counter for the Great American Long... DONG. Yes, dong. He meant dog, but said DONG-- and had no idea what he uttered. My mother dropped to the floor, laughing so hard she was crying. Me, in my aforementioned innocence, did not know what was so funny until years later. Dad was bewildered, until he realized what he said. He was completely embarrassed.

(I'm pretty certain the Great American Long Dong was also a porno. )

See what happens when you add a letter?

Thanks, KFC, for this teachable moment... "Be careful, kiddies. Your dog might become a dong."

PHOTO CREDIT:
Asian woman: https://www.flickr.com/photos/globetrotteri/

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Secret Ingredient

Just. No.

Hot Taco

Disappearing Dick

Where My Defib At?

Colonel Weiner

About The "V" Spot...

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Secret Ingredient

Just. No.

Hot Taco

Disappearing Dick

﻿Where My Defib At?

Colonel Weiner

About The "V" Spot...

Categories

Archives

Where My Defib At?