Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel

Ripped

11/24/2021

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I really thought a man had let this out, but no. A female professor of nutrition and dietetics at the University of New Castle in Australia claims that smelling your own farts has health benefits.

via GIPHY

Yup. Inhaling a large sniff of your exit strategy slows the effect of aging, lowers blood pressure, and protects the brain.

But does smelling the farts of others negate one's own fart benefit? How did she even come up with this premise if methane is supposedly bad for the environment?

Regardless, I'll pass... on the gas.

Snake Fight

11/17/2021

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If we break things down, we're pretty vulnerable when we're sittin' on the throne. Our most sensitive bits are just there for the taking. A man on a South African safari trip can attest to that. The dude was sitting on the toilet, minding his biz, when a snake in the bowl decided to get all vampire-y on another snake. Yup. A snake bit the man's ween.

via GIPHY

Oh, but there's more. after getting violated by the snouted cobra, the dude had to wait three HOURS before he was life flighted to a trauma center. And... he was suffering from "envenomation of the genitals". Which means his meat was rotting. Fortunately, doctors took care of business and rescued his fruit bowl.

This is exactly why my daddy told me to keep the lid down and to always look in the toilet first before sitting down...

Wrong Turn

11/10/2021

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Men and their weens. While being a female is not a cake walk, I'm so glad I don't have one of those to dictate my life. Because I could potentially suffer from GPS. Golden. Penis. Syndrome.

via GIPHY

GPS is the mentality younger men suffer in their college years, thinking that women will always be interested in them because more men go to college than women, therefore-- more to wang! Which means, men put less effort into their appearance and into their performance. It's fitting that this is called GPS. Because with the car GPS and this GPS, dumb young men can't take direction. Well let me tell ya-- you need direction.

P.S. All I can think about is Goldfinger for some reason...

Squeeze It!

11/3/2021

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If you dare to use ketchup, then you're a filthy bastard! Of course, you're not. But one man in the U.K. was outraged by the ketchup bottles at his local Pizza Hut.

via GIPHY

Adrian Shann didn't like the fact the bottles had labels with branding on it that contained the phrase: "shake, squeeze and squirt." He believes that's dirty talk that belongs on a "swinger's app". He was further outraged because the other adults in the restaurant found it funny and were laughing about it in front of their kids.

So. Criminal!

It's obvious this man has not been squirted by anyone other than himself in a long, long time. And how would he know what's appropriate language for a swinger's app?

Perhaps he'd be more comfortable if the label instructed patrons to "bang the bottom" of the bottle.

Wonder what's on the mayonnaise bottle?

9-1-Wrong

10/27/2021

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Thank goodness for our first responders. They are there for us no matter what. And no matter what circumstance-- strange as it may be. Case in point, Florida man Terry Majors complained of shortness of breath. So, he called an ambulance.. After they placed him in the back of the vehicle, things got... weird. Like, OnlyFans weird.

via GIPHY

Terry decided to take off his clothes, slip on something more comfortable-- a condom, and then decided to choke the chicken. He then asked for an ice pack for added.... excitement? Yeah. he faces prosecution.

Of course, this leads to more questions:

Did his grapes need iced?
Does the cold make his knobbler bigger?
Does he fantasize about igloos?

I. Can't.

Centipeter

10/20/2021

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And reason 1,000 why centipedes suck... this story. Housecleaning is like a workout. So when a Taiwanese man wanted to lie down on his living room floor for a quickie nap in the midst of cleaning, he should be able to-- undisturbed. Well, a centipede apparently thought his raisins looked tasty-- and took a bite.

via GIPHY

Yup. Fortunately, the man recovered. And, his insurance company covered the bite because it was an accident. We, however. will never recover from the visual of a gross centipede biting a fruit bowl.

Huggies Bear

10/13/2021

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I can't begin to imagine what circumstance occurs in one's life that flips the freak switch. How does one become obsessed with feet? Or armpits? Or in this case-- dirty diapers?

via GIPHY

Toronto police were recently called to a daycare center for suspicious activity. An employee claimed a man had come by multiple times to remove dirty diapers from the dumpster behind the daycare. Why is someone stealing dirty diapers? Is there a black market for such an item? Does this dude have a thing for potty stuff? What does he do (doo) with these diapers!?!?!

But(t) do we really want to know? We'll just wait for the Netflix documentary, or TLC's "My Strange Addiction" to get the (poop)scoop...

Power Steering

10/6/2021

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There's just so much that goes into one's "kink." Not only do you have a "thing" you're into, but apparently "location" plays into it as well?

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A man in Michigan has been charged with indecent exposure after he was discovered in the parking lot behind a car dealership... wearing a silk mask, bondage gear, women's lingerie-- and no pants. Rahul Mitra was lying on the front seat of a car with the driver's side door open, and his fruit bowl hanging out.

Perhaps he was air-drying? Or, was he offering his gear shift?

There's got to be a logical explanation...

Plugged In

9/29/2021

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Some people do things in unconventional ways. In this case, methinks a little white lying was happening. A 15-year-old boy from Britain thought it would be a good idea to shove a USB cord down the Lincoln Log...

via GIPHY

For measuring purposes.... Riiiiiiight. The teen required emergency surgery to remove the knotted cable.

Why use a tape measure? Perhaps he just needed a little recharge...

This kid is never going to live this down. Unless it's some TikTok challenge he was involved in... but still.

Skivvies Seductress

9/22/2021

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Same topic... different week.

It's always a blessing when you have good neighbors-- otherwise, you'll have no peace. Perhaps somebody was looking for a piece of something in this situation, or perhaps not...

via GIPHY

A 42-year-old woman in Mexico called police on her 23-year-old neighbor, claiming the younger woman was trying to seduce her husband with her thongs! The woman claims this trollop would purposely wash and hang her undies outside at noon on Saturdays because she knew her husband would be home! This angry woman caught her man looking at said undies. Oh, the humanity!!!!

She wanted the police to arrest the G-stringer for a lack of morals and decency. But police declined. Because there was no illegal activity. Now, if the hubby went over there sniffing the laundry, well...

Perhaps wifey should try a thong instead of that tablecloth for underwear. At least wear it situationally to lure your own man. It's okay...

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Ripped

Snake Fight

Wrong Turn

Squeeze It!

9-1-Wrong

Centipeter

Huggies Bear

Power Steering

Plugged In

Skivvies Seductress

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