Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel - Haus of V

Under the Butt Nut Hut

7/1/2020

I remember saying that as a kid. Snicker, snicker... but if you could take that "nut hut" concept and make a product for said nuts... Ingenious!

Why an ad for Shinesty's Ball Hammock sprung into my FB news feed, I don't know. But thank you for the multiple... LOLs.

"The Ball Hammock gives your boys the extra space they need to stay comfortable and adjustment-free, all damn day... If you don't love them and feel like your balls have been cradled by a cloud, we'll give you your money back..."

"Raisins" on a cloud... sounds like a dessert... in a porn...

The styles and patterns are fun, and... defining. But thecommercial is the best...

Stanktentional

6/24/2020

Lettin' one rip loudly in public is frowned upon. But sometimes, it slips out. For some, though, that tooting is intentional.

Police in Vienna, Austria, fined a man the equivalent of $564 USD for breaking wind with force and purpose. Yup. The suspect had already behaved in a "provocative and un-co-operative manner" when he decided to bring out the big guns. He got up from a park bench, and then:

"... looked at the officers and apparently intentionally released a massive intestinal wind in the immediate vicinity of the officers."

Which is assault. With his ass ocarina.

Brings to mind the song "Aqualung", but with altered lyrics...

"Stinking on a park bench..."

Vroom Womb

6/17/2020

When in doubt, porn it up!

Former V8 Supercars racer Renee Gracie didn't make a penny racing. But she's making some jack (off) with her new career in porn. She had potential in the racing world, partnering with Simona de Silvestro in 2015 as the first Aussie woman to compete full-time in the sport. But, she ran out of gas and retired in 2016. She was only 16 at the time.

Now as a grown woman, she's spreading her... wings... and flying as an adult entertainer. She's been selling pics and videos for $9 a month-- until she recently did an interview and now has 5,000 subscribers to her website. She's made $45,000 in three days.

Porn pays.

AssWhole

6/10/2020

Drinking causes bad decisions. Very bad decisions. Ones that can be a real pain in the ass...

A 27-year-old dude from India thought that shoving an 8.45 ounce bottle in his "exit point" would be a marvelous idea. Then he remembered how the whole suction thing worked, and so...

He was so embarrassed, he told no one of his bad-ass decision. After a few days of pain, he crawled to the hospital for treatment. Doctors were stunned at his message in a bottle:

"I have never seen something like this in my entire career so far."

The patient was placed under observation for two days because:

"He still has tears caused by the bottle and it is causing discomfort."

I choose to see the word "tears" in the quote as in ripping and actual tears in this idiot's eyes.

How do you live this down? Carefully, I suppose...

Air Johnson

5/27/2020

Maybe our cars are more fuel efficient if we drive them naked...

I'm trying to think of a good reason so many fools drive without clothes on, but when it comes right down to it-- they're just pervs. Case in point. Justin Mosser of Florida (not surprising). A female motorist called 911 after she noticed Mosser was "wrestling his junk" while at a stoplight. After giving police a detailed description... of his vehicle... Mosser was under surveillance. Less than 24 hours later, Mr. Wrangler exposed himself to the undercover officer tailing him. His reason for displaying his fruit bowl?

It gets hot and I need to "air it out".

Get a crotch fan and leave your raisins in your pants!

The Other White Meat

5/20/2020

If you're looking for hands-on experience, this is the perfect job for you: Boar Milker.

Westpork-- Australia's largest pork company-- needs people to milk boars for their "piggy juice", so that pigs across the land can be artificially inseminated. Because this porker wants to get even bigger. Collections would occur one to three times a week. They're hiring one full-time milker, and two part-timers. Get your resume together and maybe a video demonstration of your technique... (?)

And now pork tenderloin takes on new meaning.

So. Many. Thoughts....

Brush Fire

5/13/2020

It can be a compliment when a dude says a gal's cookie jar is on fire. But is it so hot that you need to call 9-1-1? In this case, apparently.

50-year-old Katrina Morgan frantically dialed the emergency number one night and told the dispatcher that her "p&ssy was on fire". She then proceeded to ask if his "hose was working" before requesting "somebody to come put it out with their hose."

Fortunately, there was no fire betwixt her legs (no proof there was a brain found between her ears, either.) She's charged with disrupting public service and making false reports.

P.S. And not getting pubic service, as well...

(Health) Class-y

5/6/2020

Sitti Hikmawatty was an Indonesian official. The country's president wants her "dishonorably" removed from her post because the woman publicly said that women could get pregnant by a swimming pool where a man with "strong sperm" had... left some essence behind...

Hikmawatty iwas a member of Indonesia's child protection commission. Apparently, she doesn't know how children are "made". She said:

"A pregnancy can happen even though there is no sexual penetration. Even without penetration, men may become sexually excited (by women in the pool) and ejaculate, therefore causing a pregnancy."

Apparently, Indonesian men cannot control themselves around women? Who da fuque is doing a "toss by"? Maybe Indonesians are creating a new Olympic sport. Instead of the shot put or javelin, it's the sploog toss.

You Light Up My Life

4/29/2020

There is nothing that completes a person more than true love. So when you find it, hold on to it. Or swing from it...

Amanda Liberty sued The Sun for a story it wrote on her mocking her "public declaration of love for Lumiere". What? The woman is in love with a 92-year-old German... chandelier she bought on eBay. And yes, she is in a happy, long-term relationship with with it. The 30-something woman identifies as "objectum sexual", which means she is a person with a deep emotional or romantic attachment to inanimate objects or structures.

Okay...

Anywho, she lost her lawsuit. Ipso ruled that loving an inanimate object is not a protected sexual orientation. The bright spot is, she still has her true love...

The Shizz

4/22/2020

Art is subjective. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What about jewelry? It can be beautiful, ornate, or in this case-- shitty.

Literally. Two artists in Maine have launched their business Tirdy Works-- featuring art and jewelry fashioned from moose droppings (or deer droppings.) Imagine being gifted with Deerings, Dingleberries, or a Poo Poo Platter?

Do you take this sh&t seriously-- as in thanks for the gift (so sweet) or do you think somebody's trying to tell you something? (Like, you're sh&tty.)

So. Many. Thoughts:

"This job doesn't pay sh&t. But you can buy some."

"It's a crappy job, but someone's got to doo (doo) it."

Add your own puns... there are plenty.