Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel

You're Killin' me!

9/19/2018

Love ain't in the air for this lovely. Romance novelist Nancy Crampton-Brody is accused of killing her husband of 26 years. Yikes!

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Daniel Brophy was a beloved culinary teacher. His students found his body on the floor in the classroom. That's not scarring at all! His wife tried to deflect suspicion with this moving (?) eulogy at his funeral:

"Daniel was one of the few people I've ever known who did exactly what he wanted in life and loved doing it. He was a person who did what he loved: he loved teaching, he loved mushrooms, he loved his family."

Mushrooms? Perhaps, Miss Romance loved "mushrooms" because no motive has been revealed in this case.

This all reminds me of the interrogation scene from Basic Instinct-- not the crotch part... but the whole part about being stupid if you committed the same crime you wrote about in a book. Anywho...

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Maybe you've read some of Ms. Murder's (alleged) novels:

The Wrong Hero
The Wrong Brother
The Wrong Husband

Foreshadow much with that last one?

Perhaps your next title should be:

#TheWrongAlibi

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Dyno-miiiiite!

9/12/2018

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I'm not a fan of taper candles. First, I don't own a candelabra-thingie. Second, I've always had the fear that if I did own and light a taper candle it would fall over and set me and the house on fire. Not fun.

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But I'm pretty sure I do know the difference between a taper candle and a stick of dynamite. And there are distinguishable differences. I suppose being in the dark might obscure one's sight and brain.

A Connecticut woman severely burned her hand and face after she lit a quarter stick of dynamite. See, the power went out. She needed light, and thought it was a candle...

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She and her husband found the dynamite in the basement. It was left behind by a previous owner (supposedly). I guess these two didn't have traditional flashlights, nor a flashlight on a smart phone? Or maybe they're just super embarrassed they both didn't know what dynamite looks like, lit it and jacked her face? You've never seen the Roadrunner and all his ACME devices?

Sadly, these two have reproduced.

P.S. Have these two never set foot inside a Yankee Candle?

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Baby Bock Bock

9/5/2018

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Who couldn't use an extra $11,000? Right?

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You just need to hand over your firstborn. Not really your firstborn. Just one of your "borns." And if you really, really love KFC then this should be no problem.

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Just agree to name your baby Harland-- as in the Colonel Harland Sanders. And you have to give birth on Sunday-- which is The Colonel's birth date. And then enter the contest. And then hope you win. It's really no different than giving naming rights to family members like some people do. Plus, Harland isn't such a bad name. It is the name of a man who persevered and built his empire during his senior citizen years.

Honestly, here are worst ways to make some cash... So keep this in mind, people of reproducing age. You can make money in the weirdest ways from your offspring.

Cock-a-doodle-doo...not?

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Here Comes Peter Cottonwhat?

8/28/2018

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As a child, I loved bunnies. I mean LOOOOVED bunnies. So much so that out there in the world are these cute bunny nest covered dishes with my initials in the glass. My uncle owned an art glass factory back in the day. But I digress. My love of rabbits is nothing compared to 29-year-old Adrian James of Wales. Who dresses up like a rabbit.

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Yes. You read that correctly. But like Planet Fitness, this is a "judgement free zone." See, he's no furry. He simply loves bunnies.

"When I was born I had a yellow bunny rabbit toy and I've loved rabbits ever since... but it wasn't until the age of 15 when I found the toy in my parents' loft, that my obsession really began."

Mechanic by day, rabbit by night, Adrian has spent tens of thousands of dollars on his elaborate costuming. In fact, he just strolls around town-- or events as his alter ego, Keel.

"Wearing my bunny rabbit suit isn't a fetish-- it's just something that I love to do."

Keep hoppin' along that bunny trail!

P.S. I'm just grateful he didn't have a childhood fixation with Oscar Mayer.

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Old Wine Skins

8/22/2018

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On one hand, I desire to emulate this behavior when I reach my golden years; on the other, I'm horrified. The visual is just mind-searing.

Ponder this: one old lady + box of wine = drunk & topless

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When you've got a hankering for some refreshment, grab your favorite box of wine, take off your top, and drink away! Mary Ellen Stewart-- 81-years-young-- was caught shirtless, sitting on a park bench (Aqualung?) drinking from the spout-- which was held high above her head.

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When officers approached the topless obliterated octogenarian, she wasn't having any of that.

"(she) began to shake the box intentionally towards deputies."

No, Granny Gin-- that's alcohol abuse! She's been charged with disorderly intoxication.

While wine gets better with time, the "hanging baskets" do not...

#36long

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Bush Beer

8/15/2018

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As time goes on, there are are more and more instances of me saying to myself:

"What in the actual f&ck!?!?"

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Another week, another "down-south" story.

Why are we all obsessed with vajayjays? Why!?!? As an owner of one, let me tell you this: there is nothing special about it. Nothing. It doesn't matter if you're a supermodel, a bodybuilder, or middle-aged mom.... it's a va-gi-na! Unless yours shoots out fireworks or sparkles or talks, then who cares? Well, these twits care. The Order of Yoni (that's order, not odor) has launched: vagina beer.

Made from the "vaginal lactic acid of hot underwear models."

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I guess said "hot chicks" go to the gyno, get a pap sample, and then the brewery makes it all happen.

I must say, this is the perfect beer for losers who will never get such liquid refreshment straight from the source-- if you know what I mean.

Let this be a lesson, ladies. Make some product involving your vag and you'll be rich.

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Au Naturel

8/7/2018

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Attention, Ladies:
Put down those razors and forget waxing. The "Bald Eagle" look for your cookie jar is OUT. Full-on growth is IN.

Hello, 1970s!

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Fashionistas at Vogue magazine have spoken. And they say The "shrub" is the new Brazilian. We need to thank(?) our Hollywood sisters on their tireless efforts advocating against pube discrimination. New York holistic gyno Dr. Eden Frombergis is as happy as a bearded clam:

"Women are becoming increasingly aware that our bodies are a lot more than the visual or sexual playthings."

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#FullBushMatters

I'm going to have to give this a hard "no". Why? Because when a woman reaches a certain time in her life, her hair turns gray. All. Of. It. Turns... "77 South" is deteriorating... And nobody wants to travel south and see Don King in a head lock.

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Boogie Wonderwhat?

8/1/2018

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Break out the bell bottoms, way-too-wide collars, and a plethora of polyester! Get ready for a big, shiny mirror ball up in yo face!

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The 2018 edition of Burning Man will feature a ginormous, 30-ton, inflatable disco ball. Designer Bjarke Ingels says his creation is supposed to represent Earth.

Guess it'll be really easy to check my makeup, or to determine if my pants make my butt look fat since there's a big mirror right there.

I'm sensing there can only be ill that happens because of this giant ball. What if things start catching fire from the sun's rays bouncing off? Or what if someone goes blind? Or someone gets cut in half from some laser beam? Or what if this thing escapes and becomes an enlarged rogue pinball from some Arnold Schwarzenegger-futuristic-type film and plows everyone over?!?!?

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Plus, the depiction of this thing makes me think of that Spice Girls video set in the desert:

By the way, Flat Earthers are gonna be bent over this!

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Pee Pee's Rank Adventure

7/25/2018

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What in the actual f*ck!?!?

When grown folk need to tinkle and we can't get to a proper relief facility, we hold it. Apparently some choose not to, and decide peeing on the floor is the best option.

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While on a Wizz Airlines flight (no joke), a passenger asked if she could use the bathroom while the plane was in refuel mode. She was denied. So she pee-pee-danced to the galley, dropped trou, and let it flow-- while on the phone with a gal pal:

"I asked them (cabin crew) if I could use the toilet, but they said I could not right now. So I am peeing in the galley. Right in front of them."

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The "pissy" passenger was also being filmed-- and couldn't care less. In fact, she kept talking on her phone:

"The police are coming because it is my fault. All my fault."

Take a listen:

"Follow the yellow piss road with Wizz Airlines!"

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Plugged In

7/18/2018

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What is it with the Chinese and their predilection for putting things where they don't belong? Like eels in the "backdoor storage unit"... and a USB cable in the "spring roll."

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A 13-year-old boy in China decided one day that sticking a 20 centimeters-long USB cable in his "skin flute" would be a titillating idea. After a few moments he realized this was not his best-laid plan and tried to reverse the action. Sadly, he failed. Imagine having to tell your mom and pops that you need to visit the ER for your plug-in fail.

A urologist tried to work his magic:

"... The cable reached his bladder, where it tangled and ended up in a knot, so when he tried to pull it back out, it became stuck."

I feel bad for the kid, but at least a truth has been verified: My mother told me to never marry an Asian man because they are cheap and...

have small... weens.

Hmmmmmm....

If the cable is 20 centimeters (which is 7.87 inches), and it gets bunched before you reach the end, then...

20 cm + knotted cable = small ween