Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel - Haus of V

Wonderful Wedgie

4/8/2020

Who knew that flying was such a gas? If you don't have time to excuse yourself to the bathroom to rip one (as to not olfactory assault your seat mate) then shove a banana in your butt.

Well, not an actual banana... the Shreddies Carbonana absorbs your carbon emissions, so nobody nose. The wedge comes in black or white and fits like a bed wedge-- you know, so your (fart) pillow won't fall to the floor...

Go ahead a load up on tacos, beans, or whatever before that next flight!

Teenie & Terrific!

3/25/2020

Though men have historically skewed the measurement system to their advantage, not every man has a python in his pants. So why not celebrate the neolate!

That's right! Teenie Weenies are getting a small standing ovation via the new dating app:Dinky One.

The goal is to "normalize" men whose fruit bowl contains a plantain and not a banana.

"There are (those) who just prefer a smaller penis for comfort reasons... smaller men tend to compensate for size with additional skills..."

Dong is in the eye of the beholder... and that may really be true... what?

Social Dickstancing

3/18/2020

While most of us are practicing "social distancing" so we can protect ourselves and our loved ones from the Coronabitch, others, well...

One Florida (shocking) couple threw caution to the wind. And their pants. Because when a randy moment strikes...

The two were bumping uglies in front of a hospital, in plain view of everyone. Gag. From the police report, dude's:

"penis, testicles, and buttocks were displayed within view of nearby citizens."

Was this in celebration of a negative Coronavirus diagnosis? Was it because they were hosting a two-person "let's purposely get COVID-19 party"?

Perhaps he was offering to sanitize her front storage unit...

P.S. Why isn't it ever people we'd want to see naked getting naked?

Preparation Oh!

3/11/2020

I'm okay with holistic remedies. Pro-active. But I'm also into using my brain. And realizing not everything I read on the internet is something I should believe, or follow. For example, doctors warning people to not shove potatoes "where the sun don't shine."

Those with hemorrhoids are forgoing practical treatment like, I don't know, hemorrhoid cream-- in favor of giving a potato a trip to "chocolate hole.". Here's what you do:

"Peel a raw potato and cut into thin slices, like you do it for French Fries. Put the slices into the freezer and wait until they are frozen. Insert the frozen potato slice in your anus and leave it inside for 30 seconds. Repeat the process for three to five days. The next three to five days, leave the slice inside for 30 seconds more each time."

So many potato puns:
da-BUTT-hole Potatoes
BUTTset Potatoes
ANAL Cut Fries
HASSelBUTT Potatoes

Beware if someone invites you over for their special mashed potato bar...

Fetish 101

3/4/2020

Ah, Sex Ed class. A time when everyone nervously giggles as the clinical presentation of body parts and functions nearly ruin the thought of ever having sex. Nearly. Perhaps we all needed this spicy course offered at one school in Brittain. A course that celebrates the freaky side of things.

Dad was stunned when his 14-year-old brought home the manual, "Relationships and Sexual Health." Not because of that dreaded conversation that needs to happen with your kids, but because of the manual's suggestions of ways to express sexuality without intercourse. Like:

"such each other's toes"
"nibble their ears"
"buy them some nice underwear"

The teacher told students: "You don't know if you like it until you try it."

I'm sure we know how teech supplements her income...

Porno-tined

2/19/2020

It's good to have a positive outlook; Be a silver-lining type of person. So when you're quarantined because the Wuhang-Clan-Coronavirus-thing might get you, why not make your outlook... rosy?

As in palm.. or with a partner. Whatevs. Passengers aboard the Diamond Princess Cruise Ship are quarantined off the coast of Japan. That's a lot of worry and boredom. What to do... free porn! Camsoda is an adult entertainment webcam company that's offering "free entertainment-- in the form of free adult webcam sessions with sexy cam models" for all 3,500 passengers.

How generous. But is the Wi-Fi free on board. Or do you have to pay for that... package?

Banana Spits

2/12/2020

Yet another story from the "Glad-I-Don't-Have-a-Wiener" file... The things males will do when it comes to spanking the monkey-- using abanana peel as a "helping hand"...

One Reddit poster regaled readers with his near-death experience after making the sweet love to the innards of a banana peel. Not from the peel itself, but from the known-but-forgotten slipperiness of banana peel ooze. Guess this guy worked up such a later that it ran down his legs, and when he went to the bathroom to clean up, he slipped on the banana peel juice and banged... his head... on the toilet seat (the Northern head).

Sigh.

Curious, George?

Dam It!

2/5/2020

When they're not trying to contain the Coronavirus, Chinese officials are tracking wangs. No, not Wangs as in Chinese-last-name. But wangs. Of beavers.

Customs officials recently seized 12.7 tons of the smuggled peckers from a Canadian ship. Black market street value-- $24 million USD.

What in the af?

It appears these are wonder weens. Or that's the belief. They're used in traditional Chinese medicine for anti-impotence.

All those beaver lives lost to help a man get beaver. Oh, the irony...

Bladder Freakage

1/29/2020

When you wanna spice things up, you spice it up. But not "up" some places... like your potty hole.

An Arizona woman needed surgery after getting a sex toy stuck in her bladder. In. Her. Bladder! She said she was wearing the vibrating necklace around her neck until she got home, and she and her man were getting frisky. they decided to use the necklace down south when things went south.

"I moved and out of nowhere I just felt a really sharp pain... I had just lost something inside of me that was still going off... Every time it went off it was like my entire abdomen was vibrating."

The rattled woman plans on suing. And ramping down her adult toy usage-- forever.

Fishy

1/22/2020

Just when Gwyneth Paltrow couldn't get more ridiculous with her Goop-ing... She now brings us a candle named:

This Smells Like My Vagina

We hope it really doesn't smell like her jayjay. Because we imagine it would smell like three-day-old trash. Or leftover stale Chris Martin. But the description of this fragrance is:

"a blend of geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed."

Uh... just call it "Smells Like Bullsh&t." Because that $75 price tag smells like crap to us...

P.S. You missed the marketing boat by not making this candle vaj-shaped. Seriously, dudes could've gotten away with spending $75 by buying an actual vagina-shaped candle then dropping the line: "Your sn&tch is so hot, just like a candle..." Burn, baby... burnt!