Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel - Haus of V

Just an Accident

8/21/2019

Cucumber are summer refreshing. Cucumber salad, plain ol' cucumbers, spicy cucumbers, cucumbers in the cooch... What?

A Thai woman sought medical treatment after she experienced pain after a fall-- on top of a cucumber. She said she was in her kitchen doing her thing, when she fell on the phallic-shaped vaggie, er, veggie. Doctors dismissed her "story", and relieved her discomfort without question.

I've heard that you can slip on a banana peel, but falling on a cucumber? Oh, girl. Just raise your hand...

When The Car Is a Rockin'

8/14/2019

Carnal desires. Sometimes they just can't be controlled. So when one is feelin' frisky, one must act. Even if it's in the backseat of a parked car.

Oh. And that car was parked illegally... right outside a police station. In a "municipal vehicles only" parking spot. An officer spotted the car, the fogged windows, and the two 20-somethings bumpin' uglies. The couple, from Michigan (that explains everything), has been charged with disorderly conduct.

You couldn't find a Walmart parking lot for this?

"Fruit Bowl" Care

8/7/2019

It can be tough being a dude. Dudes aren't known to be the tidiest creatures around. Have you seen some of their abodes? So, it's no surprise that when it comes to being tidy... down there... issues can happen.

Men, beware of Pineapple Penis.

What in the AF is P. P.? Well, it happens when a dude shaves the base, and then as re-growth occurs, things get... stubbly-- like the pricks on a pineapple.

Ah...

You fellas need to treat you woolly mammoth kindly. Don't accidentally chop the base or lop a coconut. You're not in a rain forest. Or are you?

Soft Core

7/31/2019

Porn cares. Adult film stars Lisa Ann and Jayden Cole will attempt to break a Guinness Book of World Records. No-- it's not length or girth or multiple inputs-- but for how long they can keep it up... on a pole. Pole dancing, that is.

At Crazy Horse 3 in Vegas on August 11th, the ladies will lead an amateur pole dancing marathon for 24 hours. The rules: One lady must be on the pole at all times doing her thang. She can perform to live or recorded music, and pass the pole on to the next gal whenever she wants. A doctor and nutritionist will be at-the-ready to ensure no one suffers from exhaustion.

Proceeds will be donated to theFealGood Foundation in support of 9/11 first responders. If you can prove you've donated, you'll get free cover into Crazy Horse 3 during the pole-a-thon and a chance to meet some big... wigs in the adult entertainment industry.

Get out the penicillin!

Rooster See Rooster Do

7/24/2019

Guys, if you want a cock-eyed view of what your doodle doo sees, then you need (?) The CockCam.

It was created to "spice things up" in the bedroom. Really? We're thinking there are gonna be a lot of fuzz...y... shots. Unless your schlong reaches jump rope length, all we're gonna see is some blurry cavernous regions and mistake your footage for the Grand Canyon.

The company says it's:

"A revolutionary sex toy that allows you to record all of your erotic moments at never seen before angles, store and view videos on your mobile device through the Secure Mobile App, taking your sexy home videos to the next level."

Again, unless you have a tricky dickey... what amazing angles and video will occur?

Talk about up close and personal...

Unwrapped Muffin

7/10/2019

Brains. We all have them. But methinks some are just inactive. Case in point, college student Lindsey Brown (from Scotland) was vacationing in Spain with some friends when she was having issues with her bathing suit. It wasn't covering her lower lady parts.

Obviously, the one piece suit was flawed-- and the company at fault. So, she put on her best "let me speak to your manager tone" and wrote them this email:

"Hey, I wore that swimsuit today... my vagina was hanging out constantly. Is it supposed to stretch like that?" (Do you mean the suit, or your jayjay? LOL)

She included this photo. We highlighted the... issue.

The company wrote back:

"I have had a look at the picture you sent and believe you are wearing the swimsuit upside down."

Hey, dumbass-- the material flossing your snatchola is the shoulder strap. Duh!

We have so many things floating in our minds:

Vacationing in Spain? You're "money dumb". Wealthy people don't need to use their brains. Someone will think for them.

College student? Is Lori Loughlin your mom?

Didn't you: 1. Look at the picture of the suit when you bought it online? 2. If you bought it in the store, did you not see how it was hanging on the hanger?

You're on the European side of the world. They let it all hang. Get your vaj-swag on!

Tell your bestie that her right butt cheek is catching a chill. Or is that another manufacturing flaw?

Sunny Side Out

7/3/2019

As my parents say: "Things were different way back when." Way-back-when, when people went out into public, they put on their best duds. My dad told me as a kid, you always wore your "good clothes" wherever you went-- no matter the season. So if it were a hot, sunny, summer day and you were going to the ball game or amusement park, you wore slacks and collared shirts, and proper shoes.

Now, we're all about comfort. Livin' our "best lives" with our "f&ck everyone" attitude.

I want to be comfortable when I travel-- especially air travel, where I know I'm going to need to take my shoes off and possibly get frisked. Not once have I worn yoga pants, see-my-womb-shorts, or my see-through top.

On an EasyJet flight from Spain to London, Harriet Osbourne was kicked off the flight. Not because the "headlights" were on and fully visible, but because of her disruptive behavior-- even after she agreed to wear another top. While the airline claims she was acting poorly, Harriet says she was an innocent victim of harassment:

"The crew were horrible and made me feel cheap. This air hostess confronted me in front of the whole plane and said I wasn't allowed on in that top... she tried to cover me up with my hands."

Perhaps we're all missing something. She may have been a late-addition to the crew. A real-life demonstration of the "flotation devices" in case of a water landing.

A couple of other things:

1. She nip-slipped by the TNA, I mean, TSA? Those people live for situations like this one. Way to drop the (blue) ball.

2. Or maybe that was her TSA strategy: "I'm not a terrorist. See? I've got nothing to hide."

3. Am I the only one that is LOL-ing over the irony of the airline name?

Booty Pop

6/26/2019

Leave it to the Russians to come up with a new sporting event that we can all "get behind":

Booty Slapping Championship

The inaugural event took place a few weeks ago in Siberia. This is how it works: female competitors spank each other as hard as possible, with the goal of making the spankee take a step forward.

For all you pervs out there, keep the drawbridge down. The women were fully clothed-- and many were fitness competitors. IE: Have good personalities. Booty Slapping was part of the Siberian Power Show-- a two-day extravaganza featuring pole dancing and mass-wrestling. Whatever that is.

A couple of thoughts:

1. Would this be a good Summer or Winter Olympics event?

2. Perhaps BBD's "Do Me!" could be the official theme of this event:

"Smack it up, flip it, rub it down..."

A Little Cup of...

6/19/2019

It's amazing all the means available to women who want to have children. And thanks to dudes who make their deposits at the bank. But there is one man who gives his baby juice for free-- no bumpin' uglies required!

You may have heard of the "Sperminator" as the media has coined him. CUNY math professor Ari Nagel has sired 50 children-- 15 last year alone. The only payment he receives is having his travel expenses covered-- because dude is international! Perhaps his goal is to have fathered a child in every nation on planet Earth. Perhaps he's has a God complex and gets-off (like the pun?) on knowing he's fathered a couple football teams.

His latest baby momma is an 18-year-old homeless woman who felt it was time for her and her partner to have their own child, because she at one time took care of her 7-year-old sister. Spermtosser is so happy about his latest baby momma's situation. He says the shelter is nicer than his apartment:

"...I never asked her age. I try to help whoever asks. I think Kai (the latest recipient) is more mature than I was at her age after everything she has been through."

Hope the taxpayers of the State of New York are happy to be paying for its newest addition.

Please, Sperminator. Put a cork in it.

Dodge This!

6/12/2019

The wussification of society continues to mudslide downhill. Add dodgeball to the list of activities considered "legalized bullying."

You remember dodgeball, right? That game you played in gym class where your team tried to eliminate the other team by hitting them with a big, red ball... Well, according to researchers in Canada the game is a tool to "dehumanize and harm" classmates. How did we survive this "unethical tool of oppression"?!?!

I recall waaaay back in the day, we weren't allowed to throw the ball too terribly hard, nor were we allowed to aim for the head. In fact, we tried to protect the "more-padded" (is that P.C. enough? LOL) kids on the team so they wouldn't be easy targets. Guess we should've let them become "oppressed" by the opposing team. The only "targets" we had were the known asshats in class. Like, Donnie Tucker. The kid who farted like his ass was a weapon-- his gas was a heat-seeking missile used to trap you in a corner, blast you while you entered the classroom, and made you cry for your mother. Yeah, I may have "accidentally" pegged him in the head with a dodgeball. But my cute pigtails and sweet disposition meant I would never intentionally try to knock-out gas-ass as he knocked us out... But I digress.

I say we gather these researchers for a game of dodgeball. Let's see how they do.

P.S. F&ck you, Canada!