Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel - Haus of V

Bang Up Job

10/15/2019

There's nothing worse than getting thieved. Thieves should be publicly slapped. Get a J-O-B and then buy your own stuff! But this thief got what he wanted?

A North Carolina residence was robbed of jewelry, coins, and... a 12-inch electric vibrating wand, for funsies...

So. Many. Questions:

So, were these items all hangin' out with each other in the nightstand drawer?
Or was this an inside job, so to speak? Because the items stolen were quite specific.
Was the vibrating item mistaken for another type of massager?
Was said item used?

Hide your women. Hide your children. Hide your "toys"...

Un-Satisfied Customer

10/9/2019

The customer is always right. At least that's how so many people try to justify their rude-ass behavior to anyone in the service industry. But I digress. Customer satisfaction is important, even when you're buying the services of a prostitute.

Michael Pratt decided to spend some time with a pro at a Baton Rouge motel-- rightfully named Shades. But he didn't feel he got what he paid for, so he asked for his money back. If that's not bad enough, this tale (or is it tail?) takes another turn when the hooker than called police to complain that her client asked for his money back, and because the 61-year-old "got aggressive."

Police arrived to the shady motel and arrested the dude for soliciting prostitution, while the said prostitute was arrested for hooker-ing and drug-related charges.

Must be hard to find good service these days...

Ballin'

10/2/2019

Men don't need humans (or furry friends-- just sayin;) when there's a ball for all-- the Masturball.

The Optimum Power Masturball looks like a Magic 8 Ball, but with internal grippy things for your grippy thing. Just put your sausage in the ball and pretend like you're scrubbin'-off some skank juice. There are 10 different settings, so you can set it and go, so to speak.

Find your latest self-love device on Amazon for $79.99.

P.S. You know the price should've been $69.99, right? LOL

Camel Owww!

9/25/2019

Desperate situations call for desperate actions. Case in point: when a woman became entrapped in a camel's enclosure, she did the only thing she felt she could do-- hit below the belt.

It all happened at Tiger Truck Stop in Grosse Tete, Louisiana. The woman's husband tossed some dog treats under Caspar The Camel's fence, but then their hard-of-hearing dog went after the treats and then the woman freaked out and went after her dog, and the husband followed. Did you get all that?

Well, Caspar was not a happy camel and sat on the woman-- crushing her. so, out of self-defense she bit Caspar on the sack. Yes, face-to-fruit-bowl.

Upon further investigation, it was proven the couple provoked the camel and it reacted. The happy rednecks were ticketed for having their dog off leash and criminal trespassing.

P.S. Why is there a camel at truck stop? Is it a "comfort" camel? Gag.

P.P.S. What about poor Caspar? He was assaulted...

Naked and Environmental

9/18/2019

Porn has a heart...on. To draw attention to the problem that is ocean pollution, Pornhub filmed "The Dirtiest Porn Ever"-- on a dirty beach.

Awww, Amateur couple Leolulu is doing the nasty surrounded by nastiness. Pornhub says for every view, it will make a donation to Ocean Polymers-- an environmental non-profit dedicated to removing plastic from the oceans. We say "go for it". Multiple Os means multiple dough for the environment.

Whack away trash!

Terrible Tunas

9/4/2019

It's challenging enough being a college student. There's fear of the "Freshman 15". There's fear of STDs. There's fear of having the ability to survive a frat party without being arrested. And now, foul fish.

A new study has found that college students may be OD-ing on tuna. Students are eating so much Chicken of the Sea (and other canned tunas) that they're risking mercury poisoning. Half of students surveyed are eating tuna at least three times a week. A crazy 7% are eating 20 tuna-based meals a week.

Gag.

You're better off with Ramen poisoning. Or Easy Mac overload. WTH is wrong with our youth? LOL

Sting Me

8/28/2019

The End Times are near. Because common sense is *this* close to being extinct. And this proves it. Doctors are warning women to not put wasps nests in their Venus Flysnatch.

Why would a lady want a nest in her ladyparts!?!? Because, it's "holistic." Or is that hole-istic? Some fools online claim oak galls-- which are the nests that house the eggs and larva of wasps-- help to rejuvenate the jayjay. While proponents claim the stinging sensation is beneficial, doctors say anything that stings and burns is not good for the cookie jar.

And this is yet another example why you shouldn't believe everything you read on the internet.

Just an Accident

8/21/2019

Cucumber are summer refreshing. Cucumber salad, plain ol' cucumbers, spicy cucumbers, cucumbers in the cooch... What?

A Thai woman sought medical treatment after she experienced pain after a fall-- on top of a cucumber. She said she was in her kitchen doing her thing, when she fell on the phallic-shaped vaggie, er, veggie. Doctors dismissed her "story", and relieved her discomfort without question.

I've heard that you can slip on a banana peel, but falling on a cucumber? Oh, girl. Just raise your hand...

When The Car Is a Rockin'

8/14/2019

Carnal desires. Sometimes they just can't be controlled. So when one is feelin' frisky, one must act. Even if it's in the backseat of a parked car.

Oh. And that car was parked illegally... right outside a police station. In a "municipal vehicles only" parking spot. An officer spotted the car, the fogged windows, and the two 20-somethings bumpin' uglies. The couple, from Michigan (that explains everything), has been charged with disorderly conduct.

You couldn't find a Walmart parking lot for this?

"Fruit Bowl" Care

8/7/2019

It can be tough being a dude. Dudes aren't known to be the tidiest creatures around. Have you seen some of their abodes? So, it's no surprise that when it comes to being tidy... down there... issues can happen.

Men, beware of Pineapple Penis.

What in the AF is P. P.? Well, it happens when a dude shaves the base, and then as re-growth occurs, things get... stubbly-- like the pricks on a pineapple.

Ah...

You fellas need to treat you woolly mammoth kindly. Don't accidentally chop the base or lop a coconut. You're not in a rain forest. Or are you?