Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel - Haus of V

Fromunda

5/23/2018

I. Can't. Even.

But since I'm scarred, I'm taking y'all with me for this Funky-town ride. I am so glad that I've yet to encounter this on jury duty. But then again, what a tale it would be. In Brooklyn, a corrections officer was on trial for sexual assault-- accused of attacking inmates. Unfortunately, jurors were victims as well as they were regaled with testimony about Lt. Perez's huge, stinky, penis.

Yes. Huge. Stinky. Weenus.

One victim recalled this:

"It was so big. I wanted to throw up... It had a smell like he didn't wash or take a shower. It was a really strong smell."

O.M.G.

Well, it looks like Lt. Footlong will be spending time behind bars. Several victims were able to give great, odoriferous detail of his summer sausage.

Toss this meat. It's rotten.

"Do you come from a land 'fromunda'?
Where wieners smell and make you wonder
Can't you smell, can't you smell the odor?
You better run, you better take cover!"

You Get An "F"

5/16/2018

Weren't we all taught that first impressions matter? Apparently, this tampon sucker failed that lesson. But he is an A+ assh*le when it comes to chauvinism.

He thought his plan was soooo awesome-- see if this woman I love is good "wife" material by testing her housekeeping skills. He purposely left empty containers, half-consumed beverage boxes and bags all over his bachelor pad. By the way, this was the first time she'd ever been to his place. Guess what? This horrible excuse for a woman didn't lift a finger to clean up!

"I invited my girlfriend for the first time ever at my place & I was extremely disappointed to be honest, she came this morning & left without even washing dishes let alone some cleaning. I thought this one was actually wife material but she entirely failed this girlfriending test."

Get those pearls on, take those shoes off, and get in the kitchen!

Needless to say, the not-wifey-material dumped him after seeing his post on social media.

Here's a test for you, dude. Multiple choice:

Who's the biggest wangus limpous in the world?

A. You

B. You

C. You

All males of the world, unite! Take his "man card" away, permanently.

P.S. You're going to have to retake the human test again.

P.P.S. I'd like to kick your balls through your nose.

Wee Willie Winkie

5/9/2018

Having good neighbors is crucial to a happy life. I've had questionable neighbors in the past, so I feel fortunate to have good people keeping an eye out. But this takes "keeping an eye out" to the extreme.

A couple in the U.K. received a scathing and creepy letter from a neighbor who is tired of their... nakedness. These folks aren't naked in their yard or driveway or swimming pool. They are naked inside their own house. But that's offensive:

"Would you please close your blinds when getting dressed or undressing. We are sick of seeing big bum, big boobs, and little willy and we will report you both for indecent exposure. (Signed) Your neighbours"

The couple says they aren't exhibitionists. They're just living a normal life. Which at times requires nakedness. But I guess that's not permitted in the Fading Bush allotment.

Our naked newlyweds are actually freaked out by the letter, feeling they're being stalked.

Perhaps it's all a misunderstanding. Maybe there's a "what's-under-the-hood-watch?" Or a "major award" when Long Dong Silver is discovered. (Apparently, this gentleman doesn't qualify?)

You know how the saying goes:

"Good fences make good neighbors."

But in this case, you might need reflective windows. Or a dome. Or invite your neighbors over for a spirited game of naked Twister.

Got Yellow?

5/2/2018

You've heard of that icky disease yellow fever, right?:

"The yellow fever virus is found in tropical and subtropical areas of Africa and South America. The virus is spread to people by the bite of an infected mosquito. Yellow fever is a very rare cause of illness in U.S. travelers... There is no medicine to treat or cure infection."

Then there's Yellow. Fever:

"... males who have a clear sexual preference for women of Asian descent, although it can also be used in reference to white females who prefer Asian men."

Have you heard of Yellow Fever Eats restaurant? I hadn't either until they announced a partnership with Whole Foods. That's when everyones crusty granny panties got all wadded up their bungs. Why? Because an Asian restaurant called Yellow Fever is offensive-- even though the founder IS ASIAN! Kelly Kim opened her first location in a strip mall in California, and now she's a sensation for so many reasons... Because mostly white folk are upset over the "racism" of this restaurant.

Kim is just trying to change perception of the phrase:

"One night, we just said 'Yellow Fever!' and it worked. It's tongue-in-cheek, kind of shocking, and it's not exclusive-- you can fit all Asian cultures under one roof with a name like this. We just decided to go for it."

Look, I'm half Asian. And the Yellow Fever is real. I could regale you with stories of males in my life that wanted to date me simply because of my Asian heritage. And yes, once you've had yellow you ain't mellow ever again. #fact

Can we all just have a good laugh? I hope this restaurant grows into more locations, and if one makes it over our way-- I'm gonna get the rewards card!

P.S. You know you're hungry two hours after eating Asian food, so perhaps the true "yellow fever" is this never-ending hunger...
#truth

Rub-a-Dub Dummy

4/25/2018

We love the Cheetos, but nobody loves the orange aftermath: on your fingers, chest, belly, sofa... you know what I mean. So, perhaps this was a considerate criminal?

A woman came home to find an intruder. Naked. In her tub.

Eating. Cheetos. Taking a bath.

A full plate of food was sitting on the toilet lid just waiting to be devoured. Is this Ghetto Goldilocks?

"This tub is just right."

She told police a male voice told her to break in. So she did.

So many things wrong here:

1. Who's the male voice? Was it like Moses and the Burning Bush? Or was your own shrubbery burning, therefore, predicating the need for a soak?

2. You dared to eat my good snacks that I've hidden from the rest of the family? Why aren't you eating those stupid carrot sticks and quinoa crackers?

3. Who takes any food into the bathroom at any time!?!?

Well, at least she's all clean for her prison bitch.

This Is Dick...

4/18/2018

He's a police officer.

And a prostitute.

Blame his parents. They named him Richard Holder. He's "Detective Dick" by day; 'Dick Holder" by night. And apparently, not very smart. See, he left his legal job on sick leave... and decided to illegally offer his wang on the AdultWork website. His alias:

Sweet Sensations

I know this will come as a huge shocker-- Dick was bad at his day job:

"(He showed) a pattern of disruptive behavior that has been on the verge of criminal at times" and he "struggled with under performance."

Who knows how well Sweet Sensations performed...

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

Oral Objection

4/11/2018

When I go to the dentist, I get a good cleaning from the hygenist (Haaay, Lindsey!)... sometimes x-rays... and a quick check up from the dentist. In the bajillion years I've gone to the dentist, he's not once offered me wine and a foot massage.

What?

Perhaps he was implementing this business model:

The "victim" claims she began to feel pain after she consented to the massage. She went to the hospital for further evaluation. Medical professionals there told her she had an abscess.

"He was giving me a foot massage. I didn't see him change gloves so like your hands are in my mouth now my whole mouth is infected."

Okay... You could've said "no". Right? Or were you strapped in that chair (wink, wink)

So, I've got more questions than answers here:

1. You called your husband and told him what was up. He thought it was weird. Yet, you stayed.

2. Are you sure his hands were in your mouth?

3. How funky are your feet that your fillings melted?

P.S. You're supposed to gargle with Listerine, not with a pair of "hairy raisins."

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

Seafood Lover

4/4/2018

What's that saying? "Truth is stranger than fiction"? Yeah, that's it.

Sometimes-- okay, most times-- you just have to shake your head. Like with this fish tale...

When one is scuba diving, aren't there more important things to be concerned about than getting amorous with a giant clam?

Yes. You read that correctly. This brainiac, a 22-year-old dude named Sean, thought it would be funny to hook-up with the clam:

"It was just a joke at first. My friend was filming so I wanted to impress him and put my d*ck into the clam, but then it just wouldn't let go."

This is just all kinds of stupid. Couldn't imagine my life being dic(k)tated by the divining (diving) rod.

But... it gets even better. Because Mister Dumb$ss is allergic to seafood, he developed a severe allergic reaction after his encounter. Which meant a hospital stay.

Sigh.

(Bearded) Clams, anyone?

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

Indi-ohhhhhh!

3/28/2018

When you think of rampant "happy fun time", you may think of places like Singapore, Porn Valley, any episode of Game of Thrones... But the country in which cows are sacred and toilet paper usage is intermittent is the most sexual satisfied in the world.

Yup. India. I-N-D-I-A.

While it may be true that India is the home of the Kama Sutra, don't get your g-string all in floss-mode over this. Because the Indian folk consider acts like kissing and getting to "second base" as the deed. And they've got some hangups about naked-time activities, including "love of self", too.

Well, at least I now know the reason why they're so pleasant as customer service reps-- they grabbed their partner's junk before taking my call.

"Thank you berry much. Come again."

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

All In The Family

3/21/2018

Hey, you! Put that toilet paper down! It's just a wipe-waster!

There's a movement, so to speak, to move away from using toilet paper to using... cloths. Yes. Don't flush. Wipe and reuse...

Proponents of the "family cloth" wish they would've ditched the t.p. a long time ago:

"We've been using family cloth for under a year... So far it's been wonderful and I can't imagine going back."

Okay...

But(t) there's more:

"Why would you want to reuse something that you wipe your genitals with? (Well) Do you throw away your underpants after each use?"

B*tch, I'm not crappin' or tinklin' in my pants? Was that your problem? Plus, I'm not wiping my tush with a pre-owned cloth, family or not!

I'm all for being environmentally conscious. But(t) this? Hell to the no f*cking way! Is there an adult diaper genie contraption for these stinky cloths?

Didn't think so!

In fact, this is LESS environmentally conscious in my opinion. Are y'all going to wash these cloths every day? If so, that wouldn't be a lot of cloths-- which means a waste of water and detergent. Plus, I would suggest running a bleached-water cycle before washing any other clothes. Ick.

Why don't you just go outside and do your business, then clean up with some grass. Natural fertilizer, right?

Go green (brown)!

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com