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Riding the Bunny Trail

3/3/2021

 
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​No matter how old we get, our parents will be our parents. And there are some things that will create awkward moments in perpetuity. Like... the sex stuff.

via GIPHY

A man wrote to Men's Health that he and his fiancee were finally able to visit his parents, so they spent two weeks with mom and pops. The visit went well. But when the couple returned home, they realized they left something behind-- what the man describes as an:

                                                   "enormous pink rabbit vibrator"


He says his parents are so conservative, they never talked one about sex in their household. The advice given? Be open and honest with the parent he's closest to and say it's okay for them totoss the rabbit away.

But that leads me to wonder if mom is secretly excited to have found Mr. Love Buttontail? Maybe their son has unintentionally opened a red door for them. Or... what if his parents are closet freaks and he never knew. You know, that prim and proper exterior...

(Ball) Gag. No one needs these visions... Sorry.

Bouncing Baby Doll

2/24/2021

 
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​Love is love, right? Even if it's with a blowup doll.

via GIPHY

Correction. Even if it's with a companion doll. Chinese man Xie Tianrong (thank goodness his last name isn't "Dong" because, you know...) became fascinated with realistic silicone dolls back in 2010. He wanted one so badly, but they cost too much. Fast-forward to 2019 when he found one for a measly $1,500. Well, Cupid's arrow struck! 

Xie and Mochi (the doll's name) shacked up for several months. Sometime last year, they got engaged. The two remained chaste (oh, sure) because Xie was afraid that kissing his girl would damage her sensitive skin. But now, the couple welcomes a bouncing baby... doll. Yup. His doll got knocked-up even though no boots knocked. They haven't named their baby yet, but Xie says he keeps them both happy with gifts.

Do y'all think he still lives in his parents basement?

Hardened Criminal

2/17/2021

 
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No offense, guys. But some of you are a whole lotta dumb. 

Straight outta Serbia, a 24-year-old man ran into a gas station with the intention of robbing it. The cashier refused to hand over the money, so dude punched him, grabbed the money, and ran to the back office where he had his sights on the safe. While making his demands, the punched employee called police.

Then things took a turn. Some rando woman appeared and offered the Derpian a little skin flute performance before he fled the scene. Most robbers would take off with the cold, hard, cash. But since this guy apparently had a high hard one in his pants, he took her up on the offer. Really. This robbery is no longer in progress for the sake of oral.

via GIPHY

The police arrived on the scene, and found the dumbass criminal and woman in a "compromising position" in the bathroom. The "flutist" reportedly told police: "He's yours now."

Is this woman a pro? Because she had no problem taking on some unknown sausage.... If she's a gas station employee, she deserves a raise (a non-fleshy one) and a free penicillin shot.

I can just hear this criminal now:  "I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for that pesky BJ..."

Needle in a Vstack

2/10/2021

 
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A needle and a haystack kind of go together, according to that saying. But what about a needle in a lady's vajpack?

via GIPHY

An Ohio police officer was stabbed with a hypodermic syringe that was concealed in a woman's flesh purse. It happened after officers pulled over the car in which she was a passenger. Several drug items were found in the car, which led to a search. When the officer was injured, the woman claimed it was from a piercing. Riiiight. Hopefully, the officer is okay.

Somebody tell this criminal to keep her prick to herself. 

Dick Tock

2/3/2021

 
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​Timepieces are stylish. Whether it's a fancy watch or a pocket watch, it's a cool accessory that dudes really love. Some people like stopwatches, and others-- like Conor McGregor-- like a good ol'"hot" watch.

via GIPHY

Conor dropped the U.S. equivalent of $3 million on the Rasputin from Jacob & Co. The watch is completely diamond-encrusted, with a dirty little secret inside. Press the button, and a shimmering door opens, revealing the image of a naked woman lying on her stomach in a prone position, with an aroused naked man behind her pumping every second away.

Perhaps this is where his mind was one he got knocked out by Dustin Poirier in the second round a couple weeks ago...

Apparently, time is money (shot)...


Big Burn

1/27/2021

 
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​Didn't know the scent of some lady's lady parts could burn down a house. But apparently, Gwyneth Paltrow's can...

via GIPHY

From her lifestyle brand GOOP, Gwynie's "This Smells Like My Vagina" candle exploded inside... a customer's home. 

    "The whole thing was ablaze and too hot to touch and could have burned the place down."

You'd think a $75 candle fashioned in the aroma of a famous woman's cookie jar would perform better. Methinks that the "explosion" was intentional-- to mimic the "Big O". Or perhaps the scent of G's jayjay makes eyes water and burns out of control for a reason. You know, of the bread-leavening kind.

​Perhaps the candle needs a Gwyneth-approved steam...

Art Dico

1/20/2021

 
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Everyone has their own style when it comes to their home decor. Some are feelin' the farmhouse thing. Others like the industrial feel. Miley Cyrus is vibing-- literally-- dildo deco.

via GIPHY

Seriously. While some display knick knacks, she displays dick knacks. Because...

"I like sex toys. I buy them for myself, but end up using them for interior design. Sex and interior design go actually hand in hand."

By "hand in hand" do you mean literally? Like, put one in your hand and then put it back on the coffee table? And when you refer to "interior design" do you mean "inside" you?

Wonder what throw pillows complement a vibrator... I sense a Miley HGTV show!

Superwang

1/13/2021

 
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​Peppa Pig. Dora the Explorer. Barney. The children love their adorable "friends." And now, there's John Dillermand. A new children's animated series about this dude who has the world's largest penis.

via GIPHY

Yes. A show for children ages 4-8. In Denmark. Not surprisingly, parents are mortified. The show is about how John overcomes hardships and challenges. Because his jump rope ween causes problems. Naturally. Proponents don't see what the "big" deal is, because kids find genitalia "funny". Until some kid whips his out to be like his hero and then there's a convo about sexual assault...

Google search the images. So. Weird. He mows the grass with his schlong. He pours a "liquid" on the grill with it. Hold balloons with it. 

This kid's character straight up looks like a pedo. While junk may be funny, this is not. 

The new Big "Bird". They should've just called him Dickerman. 

Moan-a Lisa

1/6/2021

 
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​What people call art, others call offensive. How do you feel about a 108-foot vagina sculpture?
​

via GIPHY


​Brazilian artist Juliana Notari unveiled her "Diva" sculpture on New Year's Eve. It took 11-months to build, and mere minutes to feel the heat on social media. Diva is intended to "question the relationship between nature and culture in our phallocentric and anthropocentric western society."

Yawn.

All them fancy words because you want genitalia equality. Look, I don't want to see a giant wang nor a giant jay on any hillside, anywhere. Especially this one:
​

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Juliana Notari (@juliana_notari)


First of all, I'd like to see someone plant a monolith next to this vajtravesty. Cuz, Dick needs to be heard.

Secondly, this flaming red coochie with a black center needs a large shot of penicillin. Perhaps someone will insert a bottle? Because. Art.
​
Thirdly, am I the only one that finds it amusing that this vajeen is amongst bushes? I thought the Brazilians were known for their... waxing...
​


Who's Zoomin' Who?

12/30/2020

 
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Oh, technology. It's been a lifesaver in this year of 'Rona. People are able to stay in touch with family, work virtually, and learn from home. Sometimes technology fails us. But sometimes, it's smarter than we are. Another day, another Zoom fail-- and from the younger generation who should know better. 

A college student was logged into her final lecture of the semester. Right before the professor popped onto the screen for the lesson, the student's boyfriend popped into her room to give her a lesson... in fornication.

via GIPHY

What to do? She stayed logged into the lecture to receive credit. Then, she turned the camera away, and turned the audio down-- so she could get down with her man. But... she forgot to turn off her computer's microphone. Forty minutes later (kudos to you two) she went back to her laptop to find a ton of messages from her friends telling her to "TURN OFF YOUR MIC, GIRL!!!" See, she mistakenly clicked on the speaker icon instead of the mic, so everyone heard their primal noises and dirty porn talk. 

Hopefully, she'll get an A to go along with her T and A....

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