Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel - Haus of V

Woodn't It Be Nice

11/25/2020

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When art and reality collide... Swansea Park in Wales needed a tune up. All those tree stumps are a blight. Here's an idea: make 'em look like wieners!

That wasn't the intention, but that's what happened! The tree stumps were supposed to bere-imagined as mushrooms. Riiight. Apparently, mushrooms were enjoyed prior to the conception of this idea. Because these mushrooms look like man stuff. So, a woody area filled with wood. Plus, mushrooms look like flesh rockets anyways... Now, the whole damn park is being eunuch-ed.

Perhaps this should've happened in the first place... to everyone involved.

So, Ohhhh-maaaazing!

11/18/2020

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There are foods rumored to be aphrodisiacs-- producing that looove feeling. But apparently, the biggest pile of chocolate was no match for a chicken sandwich. In particular, a Popeye's chicken sandwich.

Thirty-eight-year-old Vanessa Lee Jones of Florida (of course) was arrested outside of a Popeye's location at 10 in the morning. She was naked near a dumpster... pleasuring herself. Surprisingly, no drugs or alcohol were involved. Which means, that chicken made her reach for the taco!

I heard the Popeye's chicken sandwich was yummy-- it sold out everywhere when it debuted, but... who knew it'd give your tastebuds a mouthgasm so intense, you just needed to drop your pants and fiddle around.

#LoveThatChickenFromPopeyes

Pumped & Dumped

11/11/2020

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Charity is a good thing. Why trash items when someone else can find purpose with them? Surely, someone has a need for a used dildo?

A British woman posted a picture of some second-hand items she was giving away-- no money required. Apparently, she didn't preview her pics-- because several people called her out for posting two sketchy used items: The afore(skin)mentioned adult toys. Our gal played the blame game saying they were "her friend's" and that one of the items was a "pump" and, therefore, not a sex toy.

1. Hanging out with Austin Powers, are we?

2. These items don't belong to you, yet you know a little sumthin'-sumthin' about them...

3. Perhaps we should give her the benefit of the doubt. These are "massagers". You know, to get those kinks out...

Shook Me All Night Long

11/4/2020

There's nothing worse than rude neighbors. Especially if they're always loud-- be it parties, music... or sexual relations.

A Manchester, England woman claims her neighbor's loud happy-fun-time is ruining her life, and the lives of her children.

"At first, I thought it's going to stop, maybe she's got a new boyfriend and the novelty will wear off. But it just never ended."

Guess the dude comes... over... at the same time. But(t) sadly, there's nothing that can be done (except the happy neighbor lady) because Manchester Council says "it's a natural noise."

P.S. Does Mr. Boner arrive at ass-past midnight?
P.P.S. Congrats to neighbor lady throwing a pants part every night!

Dearly Departed Dolly

10/28/2020

It's sad when you lose someone so close to you: a friend; a family member; a lover. Especially since you may have horny-cided your "lover" into an early grave. Imagine a funeral service for your sex doll.

A smart Japanese entrepreneur/artist is catering to heartsick solo-ish artists by holding memorial services for a measly $800.

"Many love them as if they were human members of the family... (and) don't want them to be shredded as garbage."

For that $800, your loved-on one will be placed in a casket, swaddled in burial attire (thank goodness), and adorned with garlands.

Is it tacky to bring your new blow-up buddy to the funeral?

Bummed

10/21/2020

Taxes. We all hate them. Not one person I know has ever been pumped about paying taxes. Some people try to evade payment in many ways. Like smuggling goods into their home country to avoid taxes. But 99.999999% of the time, they get busted. In this case, I actually feel badly for the airport security team who had to deal with this fool who felt hisrear storage unit would help him pull a fast one on India's version of Uncle Sam.

A man was caught with $60,000 worth of gold bullion... in his bum.

Dude was all walking funny, which drew some attention. And then the sh&t was all over. At least the gold wasn't in nugget form. More like accommodating strips... to slip in an out of hiding easier. Vurp.

And apparently, someone else on the same flight tried to avoid getting their gold taxed. No word on where they hid their loot. Look, unless your exit strategy is lined in titanium, you're gonna get caught.

P.S. Is this why pirates call their haul booty? #BlameCaptainJack

P. P. S. I'd take this butt gold and try to sell it as a new thing called "chocolate gold". Get it? #badpun

Imprisoned Peter

10/14/2020

While most creatures don't want to live a caged life, some don't mind cages. Especially cages that lock-up ones johnson.

Whatevs. But your ween might be in an unintentional solitary confinement if hackers break into a man's chastity cage. Uh-oh! In a hurry to rush out a slew of said cages to men wanting their schlongs jailed by their partners, the Chinese manufacturer failed to run its checks and balances to ensure that no hackers could enter unwanted. But guess what happened? Hacked! Which means about 40,000 men could've been locked-down-- and not in the fun way. Also, this first-run cage model doesn't have a manual overdrive, so...

If you need to know where the beef is, well... it ain't going anywhere.

Vibe the Vote

10/7/2020

They say this election is the most crucial in our history. So, you must vote. If that's not enough incentive, how about a free vibrator?

Billy McWilliams (I was hoping his name would be "Buck" for obvious reasons) is the owner of Erotique adult store in Bozeman, Montana. In an effort to bridge the "orgasm gap" (?) he's gifting a total of 2,200 (shouldn't that be 2020?) red, white, or blue vibrators to women who pledge to vote on November 3rd.

His tagline: "Someone has to help us come together."

And with his involvement, it's like he's your pervy naked-time partner. Ew.

Each gift is bagged with a sticker, reading: "I came and I voted."

Hope no one takes this pole to the polls...

Award of Dickstinction

9/30/2020

It's really cool when you're recognized for being the best at what you do. It's cool to receive accolades, and even take home some hardware-- like a trophy. Russia's finalists for Teacher of the Year were mortified (as was the audience) over this year's statue. A big glass wiener-looking thing.

Yup. And even creepier? Each finalist (primarily women) had to walk across the stage and touch the award for "good luck." A bunch of oil companies sponsored the event and was mortified at the pervo implications. They say the trophy is an artsy pelican.

Okay, Russia. We see you. And that Schlong Award you're trying to pass off as a "pelican." Because oil, historically, has been a killer of pelicans. So winning this award is a career-(rear)ender?

Ooh La Hard

9/23/2020

If you're looking for a side hustle, shake that moneymaker for your sweetie and get paid. Yes. You, too, can test lingerie and get those g-string-stuffin'-dollas!

Pour Moi needs couples to "commit to 10 hours of sexy lingerie testing over a month", providing feedback on their product's "seduction powers". You'll get $400 for all your hard work. Just apply via their website before October 12th.

P.S. The company says it's "not liable for any resulting sexual activity caused as a result of the lingerie testing." Isn't the point of the lingerie is to get from Point A to Point... D?