Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel - Haus of V

Oh, Holy Sh*t

12/12/2018

WTH is wrong with people? I'm starting to believe that people intentionally look for something to be offended about. The latest: candy canes.

What could possibly be offensive about candy canes? Their refreshing flavor? The color red? Or is it because when flipped upside down, they look like the letter "J". And the "J" obviously stands for "Jesus" since Christmas is his birthday.

That's logical.

A principal at a Nebraska elementary school said:

"We are not to be doing any Christmas or holiday-specific themed activities with students. Santa and Christmas items are not to be on activities or copies... (candy canes) the shape is 'J' for Jesus. The red is the blood of Christ, and the white is a symbol of his resurrection."

Uh... I don't recall learning that one in Sunday school.

This means the celebration OF NOTHING!!!

I think we should ban snow because it's... white.

Here's a thought-- why not TEACH the children all the different "Christmas" celebrations and their history; teach them about Hanukkah, Kwanzaa. Wait. That would make sense.

Ban everything!

I can think of many other things this supposed "J" could symbolize in regards to this princidouche, but two come to mind: Jerk & Jackass.

Cheeky

12/5/2018

Ten football players from Northern Illinois high school were suspended for their carefree, immature ways. They decided to run naked across a field. With Oreo cookies shoved in their butt cracks.

I think they should be charged with abuse of an Oreo, cuz that shizz is too good to not eat. They should also be charged with misdemeanor indecent exposure (a tiny offense)-- because running naked in November isn't a good look for the fruit bowl. Unless your goal was to sport your manginas.

School officials determined the boys ran naked of their own free will. Sadly, their team lost the championship game.

Ore-no.

Gobble Squabble

11/28/2018

My favorite dumb criminal stories are those that originate from Florida. Seems most of the dumb criminal stories are from there... Anywho... did you know people are cray-cray?

Take for example, 31-year-old Rebecca Phelps. She wanted her "turkey" stuffed on Thanksgiving, and made her intentions known by grabbing her boyfriend's junk. He was still sleeping (pretending) and turned down her subtle advances. Well, when a woman wants breakfast sausage, she wants breakfast sausage and she doesn't care if you don't want to serve it!

She scratched the poor dude so hard by his left eye, it became swollen and turned black and blue. But... maybe she's not the only crazy one in this relationship. Last Fall, she got violent when he turned her down. Eeeek!

1. Dude, you need to run. Fast. Like, leave your stuff behind and go!

2. Psycho, have you not heard of batteries?

Oh, Christmas Beard!

11/21/2018

This is tame. And lame. If ladies are being encouraged to glitter their rumps and wreath their nips, then dudes should be required to decorate the yule log. Cuz honestly, something needs to be done to make that thang look attractive. Anywho, the new trend for the holiday season for men-- decorating their beards with tiny Christmas lights.

The lights are battery-powered with a pack small enough to hide and clip in an epic beard-- I'm assuming. The lights also change color and clip into a beard painlessly.

What's the fun in that? Do you know how much discomfort women deal with to look good? Plus, let's get back to the inequality here. These lights need to be used on the man's southern shore. For years, rogue men have hung mistletoe from their nether regions, so let's take this up a notch and and see some festive roosters... in theory. Because I really don't want to see any unsolicited candy canes.

Stretch Dongstrong

11/14/2018

Guess the love is gone. A woman from Zimbabwe is suing her ex-boyfriend because his 'banana' stretched out her 'picnic basket.' Now, she needs reconstructive surgery.

She claims her 'storage unit' was nice and tight-y, but when Wonder Schlong came along, that one lane became an eight-lane superhighway. And since it was his 'wide load' that caused the issue, she wants him to pay for the surgery.

Uhmmm.... Didn't you get a 'feel for the ripeness' of the fruit in the fruit bowl before making a love connection?

No word on dude's dimensions.

Blinded By The... Crotch

11/7/2018

We get it. When you want to happy-fun-time and you need a little assistance, you take it. But we suggest not turning to knock-off meds when you want to get-off.

A 31-year-old dude from New York ordered generic liquid Viagra from the internet last year. That's Fail #1. Like most men, he thought: "More is better". So he took A LOT of the liquid erector. No, he didn't have a days-long pile of wood. He went blind.

Permanent eye damage.

After two days of flashing light and everything looking red, he went to the doctor. Permanent retina damage.

See, you can go blind... if you're a fool!

Italian Stallion

10/31/2018

Another day, another story about a politician with a side (ass) hustle.

You've probably never heard of New Hampshire state House of Representative Frank Sapareto, who's running for re-election. Now, we all have. He's getting sued by Jonathan Carter from Simi Valley, CA.

Oh, he's a porn producer.

Supposedly Frank and Jon entered into business to produce pornos. Mr. Italian Sausage even filmed seven hours of footage for a movie he was to star in. But, he was unhappy with the footage and allegedly punch the steamy-Speilberg-wannabe in the head. The one on top. The "plot" of the film: after the apocalypse, women are on the prowl for the last man standing (erect).

"Sopressata" is denying everything:

"I don't know what you're talking about. Wow, that's a great story. I haven't heard that one. I thought we were all done going after men."

He claims he invested $5,000 into the making of tourism videos. Sure, touring the "mountains and valleys."

Politician Pee Pee for office!

String Quartass

10/24/2018

Don't you just want to punch a hypocrite in the face? (At least I do.)

A large number of people that patronize the arts, like the symphony, are snobs. They believe they are smarter, better educated, more socially acceptable than the rest of us. But inside lurks a pile of trash. And sometimes it comes out.

Rock concerts get a bad rap for all the booze and weed floating around. But at least concertgoers aren't trying to be something they are not. Meanwhile, I've never seen worst behavior then when I witnessed an older, supposedly-refined gentleman with his pink IZOD sweater tied around his shoulder, and picnic basket in hand get up in an usher's face at Blossom Music Center during a symphony performance. Why? Cuz he was druuuuunk and belligerent and wanted to get to his seats. Way to keep it classy.

Now this.

Out of Sweden, two symphony patrons got into a fight-- a physical fight-- over gum.

During one quiet part during the piece, a woman in the balcony rustled a bag of gum. And that made the dude behind her angry. So, he grabbed the gum and threw it on the floor. She then slapped him the face, knocking his glasses off. The woman's beau then punched the gum-grabber, and then it became, according to a witness:

"very unpleasant"

Ya think?

I'm no Miss Manners, but I do know that loud noises during the symphony are poor etiquette. So is slapping and brawling. Maybe these two should try their shenanigans at an Insane Clown Posse concert. Let's see how that turns out for them.

That Smell

10/17/2018

Politics is a dirty business. For realz dirty. All the skeletons in your closet will come falling out if you're running for office.

Just ask Deborah Reno. She wanted to be a city councilwoman in Evanston, Wyoming. But her secret identity has been revealed. Looks like Debster has a side hustle:

Selling her used underwear and gym shorts to guys with that fetish, under the alias of "Mistee"

I would've called myself "Miss 'Tang Sally", but I digress. The not-gonna-be-a-council-type regrets her secret life:

"(it was) an interesting experience. But an error in judgement. If you want to run for public office, it's probably not a good idea."

Hey, everybody's into something. No judgement here. Plus, Mistee is already a public servant, right? Helping those that need... fulfilled?

P.S. I don't think the Snuggle bear wants to sniff these... or maybe he does.

Pumpkin Spicy!

10/10/2018

It's a trend. Painting ones body parts to celebrate whatever. So why not turn your booty into something gourd-a-licious?

Instagram: @gogetglitter

I have to give props to the "ass artiste" that created this autumnal treat. But I have a lot of thoughts swirling in my mind:

First, this means a certain someone or someones has to help you get your backside into pumpkin-bling readiness. Then, someone or someones has to scrub that all off. That'll take hours! Of course, my entrepreneurial spirit would put that live on the internet and charge a fee...

Second, say you've gone to a Halloween party and had one too many lil' smokies and they aren't agreeing with your tummy. The "brass section" starts "playing". Does glitter poof out?

Third, do you also turn the up-top sistas into glittery pumpkins, or do you just wear a sparkly bra? Or paint them like pecan pies?

I could never, ever sport this look, because I care about your vision. I don't want to commit an ocular crime. Plus, my Halloween character name would be:

#PumpkinDimpleSkin

Yeah. If the trend were to make-your-butt-look-like-a-orange, I'd win that. All. Day.