Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel - Haus of V

Porno-tined

2/19/2020

It's good to have a positive outlook; Be a silver-lining type of person. So when you're quarantined because the Wuhang-Clan-Coronavirus-thing might get you, why not make your outlook... rosy?

As in palm.. or with a partner. Whatevs. Passengers aboard the Diamond Princess Cruise Ship are quarantined off the coast of Japan. That's a lot of worry and boredom. What to do... free porn! Camsoda is an adult entertainment webcam company that's offering "free entertainment-- in the form of free adult webcam sessions with sexy cam models" for all 3,500 passengers.

How generous. But is the Wi-Fi free on board. Or do you have to pay for that... package?

Banana Spits

2/12/2020

Yet another story from the "Glad-I-Don't-Have-a-Wiener" file... The things males will do when it comes to spanking the monkey-- using abanana peel as a "helping hand"...

One Reddit poster regaled readers with his near-death experience after making the sweet love to the innards of a banana peel. Not from the peel itself, but from the known-but-forgotten slipperiness of banana peel ooze. Guess this guy worked up such a later that it ran down his legs, and when he went to the bathroom to clean up, he slipped on the banana peel juice and banged... his head... on the toilet seat (the Northern head).

Sigh.

Curious, George?

Dam It!

2/5/2020

When they're not trying to contain the Coronavirus, Chinese officials are tracking wangs. No, not Wangs as in Chinese-last-name. But wangs. Of beavers.

Customs officials recently seized 12.7 tons of the smuggled peckers from a Canadian ship. Black market street value-- $24 million USD.

What in the af?

It appears these are wonder weens. Or that's the belief. They're used in traditional Chinese medicine for anti-impotence.

All those beaver lives lost to help a man get beaver. Oh, the irony...

Bladder Freakage

1/29/2020

When you wanna spice things up, you spice it up. But not "up" some places... like your potty hole.

An Arizona woman needed surgery after getting a sex toy stuck in her bladder. In. Her. Bladder! She said she was wearing the vibrating necklace around her neck until she got home, and she and her man were getting frisky. they decided to use the necklace down south when things went south.

"I moved and out of nowhere I just felt a really sharp pain... I had just lost something inside of me that was still going off... Every time it went off it was like my entire abdomen was vibrating."

The rattled woman plans on suing. And ramping down her adult toy usage-- forever.

Fishy

1/22/2020

Just when Gwyneth Paltrow couldn't get more ridiculous with her Goop-ing... She now brings us a candle named:

This Smells Like My Vagina

We hope it really doesn't smell like her jayjay. Because we imagine it would smell like three-day-old trash. Or leftover stale Chris Martin. But the description of this fragrance is:

"a blend of geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed."

Uh... just call it "Smells Like Bullsh&t." Because that $75 price tag smells like crap to us...

P.S. You missed the marketing boat by not making this candle vaj-shaped. Seriously, dudes could've gotten away with spending $75 by buying an actual vagina-shaped candle then dropping the line: "Your sn&tch is so hot, just like a candle..." Burn, baby... burnt!

Furry Friend

1/8/2020

FYI: It's en vogue to let the 'fro grow. As in, the southern-hemisphere-shrubbery.

That's because Fur Oil (that's what it is indeed called) makes things less barbed wire-y. If you want the au naturel life without the oh-what-have-I-done feeling, scrounge up the $44 for your pants Chia pet. The Fur Oil will apparently make you so much more pet-able.

Instead of a kissing booth maybe there will be a.... nevermind.

What the Duck?

12/18/2019

There are some things that are just unbelievable, but then you discover that it is beautifully real. And twisted. And so... male....

See, there's a male duck in the UK named Dave who couldn't get enough quacktion. For realz. He developed sepsis for overusing his wonder wang.

Vets had to amputate little Dave because he would mate with his female companions between five and 10 times a day-- whether or not it was mating season. And in quite the female response, his unwilling participants would wander off during sex or-- peck at his pecker. Even with his bobbed Bobbitt, he still craved the pink "quacko".

Use it or lose it. He used it and still lost it. Poor Dave.

Stuff That Turkey

12/11/2019

Talk about ringing the holiday season in with a bang... No, really. And I don't mean any traditional firearms.

70-year-old Susan Roscillo, and her 60-year-old "friend with benefits" Robert Kellogg were caught in some "adult tag" on a sidewalk outside a theater on Thanksgiving night. A witness said the laid-y in waiting was on her back with her pantless-legs in the air while playing with Kellogg's "joystick."

Both have been appropriately charged for their inappropriate behavior. Yes, alcohol was involved.

The one-liners are endless:

Want some gravy for those taters?
Are those raisins in the cranberry sauce?
Can you get in that wishbone formation? Wink, wink...
Grandpa likes the breasts and thighs...

P.S. Kudos to Roscillo for being a cougar. Just keep it off the sidewalk in front of 12-year-old kids.

P.P.S. And all I can think about is Tony the Tiger saying "They're grrrreat!" cuz of the whole Kellogg's thing...

Here Comes The Sun

12/4/2019

Surely, you've heard the phrase: "Stick it where the sun don't shine!" It appears some wellness folks are turning that saying on its hind end. Seems sunning ones "perineum" is all the starfish rage.

One wellness "expert" said: "In a mere 30 seconds of sunlight on your butth*le, you will receive more energy from this electric node than you would in an entire day being outside with your clothes on."

Maybe. But I won't be breaking any laws, either. I'm surprised Gwyneth Paltrow isn't behind this one. Anywho, if you wanna give it a try just drop yo clothes and drop down on your back. Legs up in a "V" formation, or grab them knees to your chest!

Let the sunshine in...

Can you imagine going for a walk and seeing these sunsoakers?

ME: "Look at that assh*le!"

YOU: "Who?"

ME: "No. I mean, literally, look at that assh*le!" (pointing)

P.S. This type of sunbathing also works for the "cookie jar"... Instead of a "pocketful of sunshine", she has a box full of sunshine. More is better, no?

Hot Ride

11/27/2019

Look. Adulting stuffs ain't fun. I've been cleaning since the age of two and cooking since the age of nine. I. Am. Tired. But... I still take care of business. Not Stephanie Carlson. This Ohio woman apparently couldn't clean one more thing and decided to try a different method-- fire.

She pulled into a Walmart (strike one) and decided her car was a filth pit. Time for a wash. But last I checked, Walmart doesn't have a car wash... Next (il)logical step? Set that bitch (the car) on fire (strike two). Carlson poured gas on the seats and dropped a lighter because it was a dirty car with a jacked up front wheel.

The car actually belongs to her husband, who was less-than-thrilled that his wifey poo went missing and torched his car (strike three). Don't think Jake from State Farm can help with this one...