Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel

Derailed

1/30/2023

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It ain't easy being a raccoon. I mean, you're already labeled a thief because of that natural mask you're wearing 24/7, and then there's the whole dumpster diving and whatnot. But this poor racoon was going through it. During a recent cold spell in Georgia, a railway worker spotted a raccoon right up on the tracks. He was frozen to the tracks. Worst yet, his little raccoon testicles were frozen to said tracks.

via GIPHY

Neil Mullis is the hero of the day:

"I poured the warm water under his bottom while a co-worker worked the shovel under his butt to try and break him loose."

It took about 5 minutes to free the raccoon from his stuck-on situation. It then scurried off into the woods. Hopefully, to one day reproduce again.

Have a Coke...

1/23/2023

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... and a smile. That was a slogan from wayback. But in this case there is no fizzy soft drink, nor any smiling.

Poker pro Melissa Schubert had an unfortunate social media encounter with a man who affectionately dubbed himself "Coke Can Greg." And it's not because he has a hankering for the sugar-filled pop. Nope. Think lower-- as an attribute he's assigned his hang-low.

via GIPHY

The pic he slipped into her DMs is something he was hoping to slip into her inbox. Oh, she was into it... NOT. She posted his pic to her Twitter feed, and then this dude tried to play victim. Grego claimed he was drunk and it was a private message (oh it was private(s)). So, please take the picture down. She refused. Blocked him. But this dude was so ween-hurt that he messaged her employer and claimed she was "abusing and harassing" HIM. Da fuque!?!?!

Melissa's employer said they would surely investigate-- him. They suggested the police and the court system could (two) handle this matter. Greg was stunned. The company further spanked his monkey with this:

"I assure you, this will never be forgotten. Ever. Thanks again, Greg."

Again-- don't send rooster pics unless asked for.

In the Dumps

11/2/2022

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Weird things happen all the time. But it seems like flying is more of an adventure than it should be. Passengers on a recent British Airways flight had a crappy time, when a passenger decided to crap on the plane.

via GIPHY

And I don't mean blow-out-the-tiny-bathroom kind of crap. This dude decided to "strip from the waist down" and drop a deuce in the aisle. But that's not all, kiddos. He then "smeared himself" and "wiped it over the curtains and carpets in the cabin."

The upside? The passengers were just boarding, so they exited for a new poo-free plane.

Too bad he wasn't on a JetPoo, er, JetBlue flight.

Head to the Poles!

10/19/2022

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Tis the season for political ads inundating our lives. We're all used to the smear campaigns and fake news when it comes to these ads. But this? This is next-level WTF. Emphasis on the "F" part.

via GIPHY

Mike Itkis is running for Congress in New York's 12th District as a "liberal third-party candidate." In an effort to "bring sex rights to the forefront of politics", The big "I" has decided to publicly (or should it be pube-licly?) share a sex tape that he stars in on PornHub. He's hoping to "promote sexual positivity", to "end adultery laws, decriminalize and legalize sex work, define consent, and decriminalize sex between consenting adults."

Some slogans?

"He'll stand up for you!"
"He's up at the crack... of dawn getting it done."
"He's got the balls (deep) to do what's right."
"Got a bone to pick? Pick this one."

Well, if he doesn't win-- he has a future?

Bush Behavior

10/12/2022

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84-year-old Keith Tyssen is very upset that people keep messing with his bush.

via GIPHY

Since 2010, the dude's been grooming "Gloria"-- a shrub he fashioned into the shape of a woman seated on the ground, posing suggestively. Well, it appears several drunk passersby over the years have engaged in relations with Gloria, and Tyssen is mad! He says it's disgusting, plus, the boobala-squeezing is ruining the whole thing.

He should have fashioned a rose bush instead. Pricks to prick might stop that real quick.

Taint Happening

10/5/2022

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Proving why not all social media trends should be followed... We all could use more Vitamin D in our lives-- especially those of us who live in not-as-sunny-as-we'd-like places. But, this is no way to get more sun. Perineum sunning is the latest craze.

via GIPHY

Apparently, people are sticking their asses to the sky, and possibly spreading their cheeks to absorb all those rays for "better sleep, more energy, and a higher libido." Doctors are not down with the downlow tanning. They say the area is too sensitive for that level of UV exposure, and nobody wants skin cancer on their bridge between holes?

Best be careful. Sounds like a forthcoming indecent exposure charge. Or a booty business card.

Tastes Like Chicken?

9/28/2022

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I'm all for an adventurous palate. But I'm not down for this. You might be, though. Chazz Chips has just released a new "vagina-flavored" potato chip.

via GIPHY

Yes. A snatch snack. The company claims you'll "remember your wildest love adventures" with each bite. I couldn't get an exact beat on the ingredients, you know, to best determine the true flavor of these coochie crisps. Salt and vinegar? Tuna melt? Sour cream and pubes?

Unfortunately(?), these chips are only available in Europe. For now.

Charged

9/21/2022

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This 66-year-old woman is all charged up. The Dublin woman went to the doctor's office where they discovered she'd been storing over 50 batteries in her body.

via GIPHY

She had ingested 55 AA and AAA batteries that docs were hoping she'd pass naturally. After only 5 made their way down the Hershey Highway, the others had to be removed surgically. A total of 46 were in her stomach, the rest were in her colon. Which they had to "milk" out. GAg.

Apparently, she has one of those conditions you'd see on a TLC show.

Hairy Situation

9/14/2022

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This seems a bit... obsessive? Strange? Stalker-y? A former schoolmate of the now King Charles III has gone public with this little tidbit. He stole some of the King's hair clippings.

via GIPHY

Richard Kumnick was a student at Geelong Grammar School in Australia where King Charles III attended in 1966 as an exchange student for two terms. He says he was next in line behind Charles at a barber shop when Chuck got a haircut and saw his hair fall to the floor. What would you do? Move along. But not this dude. He grabbed a handful and has kept it in an envelope ever since. A little creepy, no?

What a Richard.

Against The Wind

9/7/2022

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Finally, some justice. A known olfactory assailant will be spending time behind bars. Why? For farting in the face of a police officer.

via GIPHY

Matthew Hapgood has terrorized police in the UK with his talkative bum. During his most-recent encounter, Hapgood was not good at all:

"... (he) broke wind in the officer's face during the course of that arrest."

He was given 34 months to gas himself in a cell. Dude has 31 previous convictions for 83 offenses. Perhaps a plug should also be a part of the farter's sentence.

<<Previous

Derailed

Have a Coke...

In the Dumps

Head to the Poles!

Bush Behavior

Taint Happening

Tastes Like Chicken?

Charged

Hairy Situation

Against The Wind

About The "V" Spot...

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